So here is a quick introduction: this is a diary log of horror movies. The log is organized by film time of event. These are just thoughts and commentary of the film and the horror genre in general. All outside references to movies, actors and other people are not intended to be slander.
00:00:00 Hello! So here begins Dawn of the Dead remake. When I first saw this film, along with 300 a couple years later, I thought Zack Snyder was set to be some awesome, visionary director. Kinda like a David Fincher twisted with Michael Bay who makes movies with crazy filters and action with zero logic. But, alas, he’s turned out to be a Christopher Nolan wannabe.
00:01:51 Our main character, blonde Nurse lady finds out that her patient has been put in ICU for a atypical bite. PATIENT ZERO! Or, wait, PATIENT ONE, or TWO! THE BEGINNING!
00:02:00 Rick Grimes and 28 Days Later dude are in comas in adjacent rooms. AWWWW so cute! They get to skip Day Z together! It always made me wonder why coma victims like those two survived the opening day of an apocalypse. Like, I know, zombie theories are stupid and insane. But zombie MOVIES have set rules and guidelines, like a cliff notes of cliches. And, for some reason, ‘coma victim survives Day Z’ is one of them. Maybe it’s just to create an establishing shot of ‘dude coming to terms with the carnage and desolation’ but come onnnnnn! Rick Grimes is not surviving Opening Day of Zombie Warfare while unconscious IN A HOSPITAL! That’s like Omaha Beach territory! And any attempt to explain away this anomaly with, like, ‘lack of brain activity’ is bogus. Zombies don’t have a heat sensor for brain activity. They’re walking corpses, not evolved T-800’s.
00:02:55 Nurse drives home and meets her first potential killer, little girl on roller skates who can, ‘skate backwards.’ Yeahh, okay. Pics or it didn’t happen, amirite?? Possessed children scare the hell out of me and Snyder is plain mean making our first witnessed zombie a zombie child.
00:03:26 Nurse gets home and is greeted by her, I can only assume unemployed, boyfriend watching American Idol. Then they have shower sex. Just like that. Because nothing turns people on more than Simon Cowell.
00:04:24 Oh no! They miss a breaking news bulletin on the television about the oncoming zombie apocalypse! If only American Idol wasn’t so damn sexy, Nurse’s boyfriend wouldn’t be dying in the next scene!
00:04:50 6:36 AM on a Saturday morning and zombified roller skate girl shows up in the doorway of their bedroom. Why is she in their house? Did she already finish eating her own family? Here’s another pro tip to avoid being in a horror movie: never trust your neighbors.
00:05:51 After taking a quality chunk out of Nurse’s boyfriend’s neck, zombified roller skate girl is thrown down a long hallway. Nurse stares as zombified roller skate girl then bounces back up like a fucking ninja and sprints back at her. So I guess we’re using THESE type of zombies. I don’t blame Nurse for being slow on the reaction. I would have thought you had AT LEAST 30 SECONDS for a normal zombie to get back up and limp over. Zombified roller skate girl is just breaking all these damn rules.
00:06:39 Boyfriend dies while Nurse calls for 911 and then rises in RECORD ZOMBIE TIME back from the dead. He’s flustered, but he knows DAMN WELL that he must eat his girlfriend or else all his new zombie besties will mock him for the rest of his (after)life.
00:06:56 Zombified boyfriend is now super strong too! Is this a zombie movie or was Snyder auditioning for a gory Superman film?
00:07:17 Zombified boyfriend also has KILLER horror timing, as he waits for the perfect time to scare his (former) girlfriend, Nurse. Wouldn’t we all just be better people if we became zombies? Isn’t this Zack Snyder’s message to us all?? Why do we fight this urgeee!!!
0:08:22 Nurse escapes outside where she finds another neighbor wielding a gun at random passerby’s. Upon seeing her, he comes closer, telling her to keep back (irony). Then he continues to aim but not shoot until he’s jussssttt enough in the road that an ambulance hits him (irony!)
00:08:55 Nurse escapes in Toyota Corolla and zombified boyfriend chases after her at Usain Bolt speed. Like, what is this? Does being semi-functioning corpses make us faster or something? Can this be converted into some type of steroid?? Does Barry Bonds know???
00:10:22 Kevin James-esque mailman tries to jack Nurse’s car, then she crashes and the opening credits roll. DAWN OF THE DEAD (remake)!
00:11:26 Stock footage of apocalypse and a press conference of official looking dudes saying they don’t know what they are doing. So, basically, your 11 o’clock news, everyone!!
00:13:21 Credits over, Nurse awakes from accident to find Ving Rhames brandishing a shotgun to her face. You never know how you meet your new best friends!
00:14:51 NEW NEW FRIENDS! Ving Rhames and Nurse get shot at by three new people. Guns are a sign of friendship in the zombie apocalypse.
00:15:36 Roy Scheider-looking dude (the guys from Jaws, if you don’t know who Roy Scheider is) says, “We’re going to the mall.” I mean, they must have killer deals if a third of the population have converted to zombi-ism. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
00:17:23 Roy Scheider, Ving Rhames and friends break into mall and take a stroll through a Bed, Bath and Beyond rip-off store.
00:18:13 When all else in the world fails, there will always be elevator music playing in malls and elevators.
00:22:54 Roy Scheider meets a surprisingly pissed off zombified Foot Locker clerk, who he then introduces to a croquet stick. With Jaws and now this, Roy Scheider probably has had it with things eating his friends by now.
00:23:41 Everyone retreats to elevators and Roy Scheider comes bolting out of Foot Locker covered in blood. Every time I see this movie, I am shocked the Nurse, who is holding the shotgun, does not blow his head off. I mean, did Zack Snyder tell Roy, “Hey! Let’s get your audition for ‘zombie Roy’ in during this take,” and they kept it in the movie?? Because Roy is totally portraying zombie Roy in that quick scene. But I digress. All I am trying to say is that, in reality, Roy probably gets shot in that scene.
00:24:09 At the top of the elevator, Roy and friends meet Mike Piazza-esque security guard and his two virgin pals. They’re pissed because THIS IS THEIR TERRITORY ARGHHHH! But they’ll all be friends someday. Because why have rivalries when you are battling a freaking zombie army on the side?
00:25:25 Mike Piazza calls Ving Rhames, “Shaq,” and they all become best friends.
00:25:35 I lied. Piazza and virgins actually lock them all up in Bed, Bath and Beyond.
00:26:50 Watching television broadcast, Al Pacino-looking sheriff lays out the goddamn zombie handbook for the viewers. “Ya gotta shoot ‘em in the head. Then ya gotta burn ‘em. Huh? Hey, Danny! Danny, we gotta twitcher over ther’. Shoot ‘em again!” Oh Danny, always pissing off the sheriff.
00:27:01 Virgin pal security guard, we’ll call him Jeeves, thinks Al Pacino is cool for his cool guy zombie lingo. Al Pacino guarantees he’ll have all these zombie folk terminated by the weekend. Twenty minutes off-camera and I can guarantee Al Pacino doesn’t make it to the weekend.
00:31:47 The gang paint S.O.S. onto rooftop and notice all the zombies coming to the mall. They heard of the bargain deals too! Ving Rhames comments that they are coming out of instinct, deep-set memory. This is a nice ode to George Romero. When zombies were first created as a concept, they were supposed to represent consumerism and mindless spending, doing, being. It wasn’t until after the fact that people really loved the whole gory-ness of it all. Zombies became simple, blood thirsty creatures that the heroes could shoot. The metaphors were lost.
00:32:21 Discount Danny Trejo lives across from the mall in his gun shop. He spends his days sniping out random zombies. He waves to the others, signaling their new found friendship. Guns seem to be a key way to establish friendship thus far in the film. Since Danny Trejo owns the gun shop, he must be the most popular friend.
00:35:30 Jeeves brags how he was going to tap that girl from Dairy Queen tonight, but the zombie apocalypse ruined it for him. Quick, everyone feel sorry for Jeeves!
00:36:14 Preacher on television tells Mike Piazza that the zombie apocalypse happened because we all touch ourselves at night. So there’s that….
00:38:00 8 AM wakeup and Jeeves thinks he’s cool by dressing himself in just boxers, t-shirt and his utility belt. Nobody likes Jeeves.
00:40:23 Security Officer Trainee turns off the elevator music, signifying (to me, at least) that the world as we know it is ending.
00:42:15 The tides have turned! Trainee turns on his fellow mall cops and Ving Rhames and the gang lock Piazza and Jeeves in a holding cell.
00:43:34 New friends! A truck of ‘em show up at the mall. And, look! They have guns! They must be friendly!
00:44:44 And look! They brought Phil Dunphy!
00:45:23 Oooohhh. Phil Dunphy is an asshole in this movie. And has weird sideburns. Sideburned-Phil Dunphy may be Phil Dunphy’s evil twin or something.
00:47:19 Ving Rhames and Discount Danny Trejo become best friends via the new instant messenger, also known as messages written on white boards and only viewable through use of binoculars.
00:49:18 Ill lady converts to zombi-ism and tries to kill people in Bed, Bath and Beyond, is killed. Then everyone gathers and gossips about her at Starbucks. Just like ‘Friends’!
00:52:30 Turmoil amongst the group on who to shoot next. My heart tears for this internal conflict that threatens to rip through this tight group of friends!
00:55:53 They decide to shoot some guy named Frank. Then they all become best friends again because Frank is gone! A Frank Sinatra-style ‘Down with the Sickness’ plays during a montage of this rekindled friendship.
00:58:35 In holding cell-jail world, Piazza reads aloud ‘Cosmopolitan’ surveys about relationships to Jeeves, who hates it with a passion. I’m pretty sure the true meaning of this movie is not about zombies, death and gore, but about friendships, relationships, and how pointing guns at each other only accelerate this process.
00:59:14 Meanwhile, Phil Dunphy and Ving Rhames take enjoyment out of Discount Danny Trejo sniping celebrity zombie look-a-likes in the face. “Get Burt Reynolds next. No, no, do Jay Leno!!”
01:01:38 Ving Rhames and Discount Danny Trejo sign off their instant messengers for the night. They’d be great on the new season of ‘True Detective’!
01:02:44 Pregnant foreign lady and husband, meanwhile, have been keeping it quiet that pregnant lady has been bitten but is, well, pregnant. So her husband has been pulling this whole Dr. Frankenstein act and tied her to bed for when she turns, which could be a slight bump in their relationship.
01:04:50 The power goes out in mall and the gang releases Piazza and Jeeves to do the whole Hannibal Lector thing to find the power circuit in the parking garage.
01:07:03 Parkour zombie (what?!) attacks Jeeves and Jeeves dies without ever meeting his one true love, Dairy Queen chick. Emotional moment.
01:10:02 Pregnant lady dies but Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment is a success!! She has become zombie pregnant lady!
01:12:13 Dr. Frankenstein’s mad experiment has been discovered! And the gang does not approve! Dr. Frankenstein has created… ZOMBIE BABY!!
01:13:01 Trucker Lady and Dr. Frankenstein have a minimal-movement, slow motion shootout which kills each of them and zombie pregnant lady.
01:14:58 Zombie Baby Redux!!!
01:15:03 … is all too short, as Nurse kills Zombie Baby.
01:16:58 Phil Dunphy casually brags about his yacht, which he failed to think was a sufficient escape route this entire time.
01:18:09 Gang decides that the yacht would be a jolly good plan. CUE MONTAGE of building steel bound escape buses!! Chain saws! Barbed wire! Steel! Spray painted fangs! Those zombies are going to be petrified of all that spray paint.
1:21:02 Roy Scheider and Nurse romantically bond over how efficient a chainsaw will be at killing zombies. Is this Dawn of the Dead? Or Love, Sex, and Weapons?
01:24:15 Gang plan to get their best friend Discount Danny Trejo some food via carrier dog, but it backfires and Trejo is zombie bit. As they are chit-chatting on walki-talkies (the new, new instant messenger!), Red Headed Dog Lover takes one of the steel escape buses to save the in-no-danger dog. Then she meets soon to be zombified Discount Danny Trejo.
01:26:11 DETOUR! Rescue party of Roy Scheider, Piazza, Trainee, and Ving Rhames try to save Red Headed Dog Lover and steal former best friend Discount Danny Trejo’s shit. Because, like, he’s a zombie now. And human friends always steal their zombified friend’s cool stuff. When will the class warfare end?
01:29:49 Ving Rhames blows former best friend Discount Danny Trejo’s head off. Almost as tragic as Romeo and Juliet, but worse.
01:33:22 Zombies invade mall because Phil Dunphy goes all asshole on the rescue party and the escape mission is on!
01:33:42 THE ELEVATOR MUSIC RETURNS! All is now right with the world. What zombies?
01:34:57 Damn, I guess the gang was right! The zombies are terrified of all that spray paint! (I’m lying. It actually may be attracting them). Zombies mosh the two escape buses and threaten to flip them unless the gang performs ‘Free Bird’.
01:36:10 Gang does not perform ‘Free Bird’, napalms the zombies instead.
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01:37:20 Two members of the gang accidentally chainsaw each other, is not romantic.
01:38:47 Newly zombified Phil Dunphy is actually less of an asshole than human Phil Dunphy, is still shot by Nurse.
01:42:18 Piazza draws the zombies in as gang escapes towards boat, sacrificing himself. Blows up giant propane tank along with the rest of the films special effects budget. Always the team player!
01:44:22 Roy Scheider admits to being bitten in previous escapade, says he will not go with gang on boat. I feel like Roy has grown since his last boat trip. Maybe he has learned to let vicious, flesh hungry creatures be themselves within nature. Does anyone even know what I’m talking about anymore?
01:45:01 Roy Scheider kisses Nurse goodbye as American flag waves in the background. Is there nothing more patriotic than last first kisses and zombies?!
End Credits show that the remaining members of the gang, Ving Rhames, Trainee, Red Headed Dog Lover and Nurse, sail until they reach an unknown island, to which there are further zombies. Because there are never happy endings in zombie movies!!!
‘DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS’ blasts through speakers as the end-end credits play out.
And that’s a wrap on the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake! For all the fun I poke at this movie, it actually is pretty good and one of Zack Snyder’s best. Definitely see it around Halloween if you want a good, modern zombie movie. I’ll continue this diary log thing for a few more horror movies and I’ll see where it ends up taking us.
Sources
- Dawn of the Dead. Dir. Zack Snyder. Perf. Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames. Universal Studios, 2004
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