00:00:00 Hellooo and this is the Friday the 13th Diary Log brought to you by the AMC Fear Fest telecast. It’s the original!!! The classic that spawned other greats like Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part IV, and who can forget the memorable Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan!
All of these movies were made practically back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Seriously, how were all these movies allowed to be made in consecutive years? I don’t even know how they wrote each one, went through pre-production, filming, post-production and then completed them before a yearly release date. This franchise is like when Marvel decided to pump out movies about raccoons and trees because fuck it.
In this day and age, I doubt a movie franchise like Friday the 13th could exist and that’s a bit sad. They may be cheesy horror films but they were our cheesy horror films! Without Jason dying and reliving and then re-dying and then being sent to space, we wouldn’t have the legend Sir Voorhees is today.
The original Friday the 13th was made on a $550,000 budget and grossed $37 million domestically. That’s the stuff of studio dreams.
So, without any further ado, here is the original Friday the 13th!
00:00:28 Good ol’ sing alongs at Crystal Lake Summer Camp circa 1958! Nothing can go wrong at Fort Happy!
00:01:56 I take back all I said. These campers suck at singing and I am now rooting for kid Jason to breakout early. Come on, kid! We all see your potential!
00:02:49 Counselor girl and Counselor boy sneak off from the group of, like, eight kids to make out. Don’t your kids need you or something? They can’t like singing that much to ignore the absence of parental supervision. They’re all going to do drugs and drink all the booze!
00:04:07 Camera goes first person and WE slash the Counselor boy. That’s right, WE are the REAL murderers here! And then we slash the girl too. I don’t know why, she was cute. Can’t we vote on this? Is there, like, a popular vote or are we going to go all electoral college on our first-person slashing?
00:05:55 The Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma of the soundtrack is making me think of Ooga Chaka Ooga Ooga. Wouldn’t that be horrifying if some serial killer just slashed people while singing ‘Blue Swede’?
00:07:02 A young female reporter asks a stray dog how far Crystal Lake is. The dog responds, “I’m just a dog, go home you’re drunk.”
00:08:08 Reporter who speaks to dogs (Doctor Doolittle!) grabs a ride with some stranger who says he can bring her to Crystal Lake. Nobody seems to like when Crystal Lake is mentioned. Taxes or some shit.
00:09:35 Stranger tells Dr Doolittle to quit her research on Crystal Lake. Doolittle doesn’t know all the stories or what he’s talking about. Yet, she is tasked by her newspaper to research the lake. I mean, how unprepared can you be to go into the field and write a story? You would think that she’d ask her editor, “hey, why the fuck am I going to this lake anyway? Anything I should look for? What do you mean don’t talk to any stray dogs or take rides with strangers?”
00:11:42: Three other teenagers, two guys and a girl, drive up to Crystal Lake in a red pick up truck. They’re blasting folk guitar music. Seriously? It’s 1980. Shouldn’t these kids be rebelling against society with some Led Zeppelin or Queen or, fuck it, even disco?
00:13:18 Two other people, a man and a women, instantly put the teenagers to work at the run-down camp. I wish I could be more specific on who’s who but everyone looks the same. Even the women have similar haircuts to the men. I can only identify one of them because he has his shirt off and is trying to grow a mustache, but don’t quote me on that.
00:16:28 Mustache peaces out in his jeep, leaving the six other teens to finish fixing up the camp ground. He says it better be done before he gets back but we all know that’s not happening. As soon as he leaves, they’re going to scavenge all the alcohol they can and try to awkwardly flirt with one another.
00:17:08 Doc Doolittle is still hitchhiking. The Stranger dude just left her before the lake I guess? That’s weird. Maybe she tried to talk to his dog.
00:17:52 Doc gets into another hitchhiker’s car, who then flies past the lake road. He keeps on driving and Doc freaks out and jumps from the vehicle. The vehicle reverses and we go first-person camera again. We stalk a limping Doc into the woods. I mean, Doc is weird and stupid and all but she seems like a decent person. Maybe we can teach her to ask probing questions the next time she gets assigned a sketchy journalistic piece.
00:19:03 Too late, we kill Doc anyway. How are these votes being tallied? Is this, like, a republic or something? Who got elected to make our decisions? I want answers! (See, Doc, that’s how you ask important questions!)
00:21:12 The teens all (obviously) slack off and go swim in the lake. Some dude named Ned, I guess, cramps and almost drowns but the teens save him. They drag him onto the dock and one of the girls tries to resuscitate him via mouth-to-mouth. This is when he grabs her head and makes out with her. Like, this kid was under water, actually drowning himself just to make out with this girl? Does he know that there are easier ways to get her attention?
00:23:50 The gang of teens find a snake in the bunks and they decide the most efficient way to hunt down the snake is to tear the bunks apart. After bunk destruction, some dude hacks it with a machete.
00:25:08 A police officer drives up and asks why the fuck these teens were left in charge of the whole camp site.
00:25:55 He says the local crazy guy is drunk and on the loose (US?) and for them to keep an eye out. I don’t know if he lost him (US!) from his holding cell or something or he’s, like, on some type of house arrest. But, damn, we are pretty good at dodging the police chief and getting our booze on!
00:26:50 We’re about a half hour in and I can still not distinguish between any of the teens. There are three dudes and three girls. But I cannot tell who is who, which pisses me off. I wanted to give them all weird names but they are all so dull and generic that I cannot even. The only character I’ve named was Doc and, hey! we decided to kill her instead. I told you we should have voted! Damn Narrator Czar!
00:27:16 Awww, one of the girl teens finds the local crazy guy in their kitchen closet. I guess it wasn’t us. Can we still be some bad ass who escapes custody and drinks?
00:28:12 Local crazy tells the teens that they are all doomed and then steals one of their bikes.
00:29:45 The sun rises on Day Two at Crystal Lake. One of the girls and one of the guys make out on the dock as a different dude acts as the peeping tom. Screw it, we’re going to call him Peeping Tom.
00:31:07 Peeping Tom adventures off and follows a strange noise into an abandoned bunk. He probably is off to peep more tom.
00:31:47 OH MY GOD, WAIT! One of them is Kevin Bacon! How did I not realize this before!?
00:32:15 So Kevin Bacon tries to get it in with his girl at the lake. A storm starts kicking up so they decide to head in…. to make out some more.
00:33:23 You can add Friday the 13th to the Kevin Bacon’s Six Degrees of Separation game now, if you hadn’t already.
00:34:28 Kevin Bacon gets it in, official time.
00:34:51 Okay, one last dude to name! And since he is currently playing a guitar like a douchebag, he will be Jason Mraz.
00:35:23 There are two other girls with Mraz. One of them is blonde, the other is not blonde. That will be their goddamn names. Not Blonde decides that the three of them should play strip monopoly, much to the delight of Mraz.
00:35:55 Peeping Tom is dead. I guess we decided to kill him, which I was actually in favor of so, good job us!
00:36:32 Kevin Bacon and Kevin Bacon’s Girl get real awkward post sex. I mean, it only lasted two minutes of movie time so I kind of know why.
00:37:51 Strip Monopoly is progressing very slowly with no one actually striped of anything. Come on, Mraz, you have to be aggressive here. Not Blonde REQUESTED strip monopoly.
00:39:08 Kevin Bacon’s Girl leaves to use the bathroom, which is when some dude from underneath Kevin Bacon’s bed slashes his throat. Was he just there the whole time?? Are we sure Peeping Tom is dead??
00:41:59 And now Kevin Bacon’s Girl has been ax-murdered.
00:42:21 Still no official Jason Voorhees sighting. Wait, are we Jason Voorhees? YES! So pumped! Halloween came early!
00:42:35 Strip Monopoly is progressing!
00:43:10 Not Blonde Girl remembers that she left her car windows open, like, five hours into the storm. At that point, Not Blonde Girl, you should just let it happen.
00:43:38 Oh look, Mustache is back. He’s at a diner, sipping espresso and flirting with the waitress. Is this the real reason he left?
00:44:38 Not Blonde Girl instantly forgets about her flooding car, goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Because priorities.
00:45:15 So I want to believe that we are Jason Voorhees. Not Blonde Girl stares at us as we hide in a shower stall. I think democracy has set in and we are collecting the votes.
00:46:07 She left! Did we get the final tally? No? Dammit, we’re as inept at counting votes as Florida.
00:46:46 Mustache crashes his jeep because Mustache guy is rather lame and bad everything. He grabs a lift with a police officer.
00:47:33 We stare at Not Blonde Girl as she lays in bed reading. I’m assuming that we figured out a result from our voting. That or we are just keeping her close as we’re still counting.
00:48:26 Not Blonde Girl hears a ‘help me’ from the woods and instantly forgets that there are no kids at the camp yet. She goes into full-camp-counselor-on-duty, looking and scolding the child as she searches. I think Not Blonde Girl’s awareness levels suck. Do we have to vote on that? No? Good, we’re unanimous.
00:49:34 Oh good! The votes are in. AND WE’RE KILLING NOT BLONDE GIRL! Yay democracy!
00:50:41 Mraz returns to Blonde Girl, scaring her as he swings open the door while cloaked in a poncho. I honestly didn’t know Mraz left the building in the first place.
00:52:07 Mraz and Blonde Girl find a bloody ax in Not Blonde Girl’s bed. “What is going on?” Blonde Girl casually asks. They search the compound and find everyone missing. “Maybe we should call someone,” they agree. Like, seriously? You two are supposed to be camp counselors??
00:53:04 The Teen Counselors break into the main office. I don’t know how Mustache expected the gang to finish fixing up the camp when he restricted their access to key areas.
00:54:12 “Don’t worry, we’ll be laughing about this tomorrow,” says Jason Mraz. Like, dude, your friends are missing and you have found a bloody ax in one of their beds. Who will be laughing about this tomorrow?
00:54:20 I was wrong, we’ll be laughing about this tomorrow. Whoever we are.
00:55:38 The police officer drops Mustache off well before the camp. Does anybody actually complete their assignments in this movie?
00:56:26 We shine a flood light on Mustache. He stares at us, goes, “oh hey.” And then we kill Mustache. Obviously an unanimous vote.
00:57:32 Quick side bar: is this considered horror if we are the ones who kill all the characters? Like, this first-person camera angle is cool but I can’t find myself scared if we are, like, all bad-ass and shit.
00:59:05 Mraz goes out to find things that he can laugh at more tomorrow because tonight hasn’t been fucking hilarious enough already.
01:01:02 Blonde Girl makes coffee in Mraz’s absence, still not concerned over the potential deaths of her friends. Are we back in an Alien situation? They all seemed like such good friends earlier! Never trust teenagers.
01:02:05 She finally decides to go look for now-missing Mraz.
01:02:57 Blonde Girl finds Mraz pinned up to a door with a knife through her forehead. Properly (finally) freaks the fuck out.
01:03:50 She locks down the cabin with very not-lock-down-able materials. Like, she blocks the door with a belt, a couple logs of wood and frying pans. That won’t keep us back!
01:06:13 We decide to throw Not Blonde Girl’s dead body into the window to make Blonde Girl cry. Blonde Girl cries. Our actions prove to be a roaring success! Man, I can’t wait to see our new polling numbers.
01:07:27 Mrs. Voorhees shows up in a jeep and provides Blonde Girl a shoulder to cry on.
01:08:23 Blonde Girl brings our Mom into the cabin, where she comments how pretty the dead Not Blonde Girl is. Weird.
01:09:30 Mom goes into an unprovoked monologue about the story of her son Jason drowning in the lake while two counselors had sex. Does Jason dislike people or simply counselors?
01:10:39 Mom and Blonde Girl go battle royale and Blonde Girl knocks her out. Blonde Girl runs around and finds all of her dead friends.
01:11:30 So, wait, were we Mrs. Voorhees this whole time? That’s rather disappointing.
01:12:19 Mrs. Voorhees goes all Norman Bates and starts talking to herself in a child’s voice. So is Mom really a dude in a wig?
01:13:53 Blonde Girl fights Mama Voorhees again and, once again, beats her up and runs away. Why are you running away, Blonde Girl? You’re winning!
01:16:32 Blonde Girl, for some reason, hides from Mama Voorhees in the cabin.
01:17:21 Mama Voorhees finds Blonde Girl in the kitchen closet. When Mama Voorhees goes to attack Blonde Girl, Blonde Girl smacks her with a frying pan, knocking her out cold. In celebration of her victory, Blonde Girl runs away AGAIN! I mean, she is totally beating the shit out of Mrs. Voorhees. Why is she on the defensive again??
01:18:00 So I was wrong about this film being about Jason Voorhees. He has yet to make an appearance. I honestly had not seen the original before this point and I thought Jason was the main villain. I am the fool.
01:18:17 Blonde Girl goes out to the dock and sits, ponders the universe. Mrs. Voorhees shows up and tries to slash Blonde Girl. Battle Royale Part IV commences.
01:19:33 Blonde Girl takes Mama Voorhee’s sword-knife thing and beheads her. A perfect 4 for 4! Blonde Girl’s win is official. So, what are you going to do to celebrate your victory, Blonde Girl? Blonde Girl immediately runs away, gets into a boat and floats around in the lake. Fucking why?!
01:21:31 Blonde Girl wakes up in the canoe, having survived the night. A police officer waves to her from the shore. As she stands up to signal the officer, JASON RISES ABOVE THE SURFACE AND DRAGS HER TO THE LAKE’S DEPTHS!
01:22:43 Blonde Girl wakes up in a hospital bed, the cops having saved her from drowning. She asks if they found Jason, but the cop and the doctors tell her that Jason has been dead for 30 years. She denies their claims, firmly believing Jason is alive.
01:23:51 The camera zooms into Crystal Lake and the screen fades to black. We are Jason. And we shall wait.
END CREDITS
So that’s a wrap on Friday the 13th. This was the first time I’ve seen it, honestly. I was led to believe this was JASON VOORHEES OWNAGE instead of ‘Mama Voorhees does her best Norman Bates impression’.
Jason Voorhees does eventually become the icon that he is today in Friday the 13th Part 2. But, honestly, is anyone else really disappointed that we weren’t Jason Voorhees the whole time? I’m super bummed. Screw it, guys, we can still be Jason Voorhees! We’ll just take some creative liberties within this story.
Sources
- Friday the 13th. Dir. Sean Cunningham. Perf. Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King. Paramount Pictures, 1980.
- Cover Image
Horror Holiday 
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