00:00:00 Please don’t call it a zombie movie. Whatever you say, these aren’t zombies. The director even says, “my villain-dudes are not zombies.” They’re called infected because they are, well, infected. This is what would happen if the plague was fused with steroids and then got an adrenaline shot. Oh, yeah, this movie is called 28 Days Later.
While not a zombie film, 28 Days Later revitalized the zombie genre in 2003. Before then the genre was deader than it’s occupants. Director Danny Boyle gave a spark to this sub-genre by making his villains scary and, actually, deadly. Before then, a couple of well-timed jukes could have avoided you all of the horror conflict. Boyle imagined a desolate London whose new residents were diseased super humans hungry for living flesh. And his main character somehow slept through the whole ordeal for, you guessed it, 28 days!
Basically, if you love The Walking Dead, Zombieland, or Nazi Zombies, you have 28 Days Later to thank. So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents 28 Days Later!
00:00:10 By the way, with both this film and Shaun of the Dead, you have to thank the British for influencing your addiction to everything zombie.
00:00:50 Stock news footage of chaos. Don’t worry, this is how every zombie genre film begins.
00:01:27 An ape is tied up Clockwork Orange-style being forced to watch a never-ending loop of the violence. Someone save Cesar!!
00:02:09 Ocean’s Eleven: PETA Edition breaks into the ape-experimenting facility.
00:02:45 Is Andy Serkis playing all these apes? I’m just going to assume Andy Serkis plays every ape in film history from now on.
00:03:34 The Ocean’s Eleven squad is discovered by a graveyard-shift scientist. He begs them not to release the apes as they have been injected with a drug called ‘Rage.’
00:04:22 Ocean’s Eleven releases the apes anyway because nobody tells George Clooney and Brad Pitt what to do!
00:04:53 Apes instantly attack Ocean’s Eleven. Victim Zero’s!
00:05:23 Cue card fades in: 28 Days Later.
00:05:30 Just curious, what were the plans for those scientists injecting the apes with Rage and then having to isolate them? Was this some underground laboratory for GNC? Were they making the next pre-workout mix?! Imagine infected strength while getting your leg day in? Making gains, bro!
00:05:37 Man (Not Rick) wakes up from a coma. This man is Cillian Murphy, also known for his portrayal of Scarecrow in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight series.
00:07:06 Scarecrow wanders around the vacant hospital. Half of his hair has been shaved which probably classifies him as a hipster. Dude, the zombie apocalypse is way too mainstream. I’mma go ghost for a while, come back 28 days later. No, man, I told you, a month is too mainstream!
00:08:53 Scarecrow leaves the hospital and enters a barren London. He walks over the Westminster Bridge. No tourists. SOMETHING IS TOTALLY UP, YOU GUYS!
00:10:28 Scarecrow visits every touristy spot in London, just in case you forget that he is in London and not Tennessee. That or he is totally taking a great opportunity to sight-see. Look, guys! No line to get into Buckingham Palace!
00:11:21 St. Paul’s Cathedral! No way, Trafalgar Square! Look, it’s the London Eye! We are seeing everything today!
00:11:51 Scarecrow’s got the Andrew Luck beard going on. Stop copying the hipsters, Luck!
00:12:50 Scarecrow finds a memorial wall to the lost and the dead which is pretty much everyone in London.
00:13:50 He enters a church and finds, “THE END IS FUCKING NIGH,” written on the walls. You’re telling me, dude.
00:14:19 Scarecrow climbs to the second floor of the church to overlook hundreds of dead bodies scattered throughout the pews.
00:15:03 “Hello?” he asks.
00:15:05 Dozens of bodies awaken.
00:15:38 A priest comes running up the staircase and tries to attack Scarecrow, who promptly wacks him and then begs for forgiveness. I think you’re exempt if the priest attacks you first, Scarecrow. Is that one of the bylaws?
00:15:49 Scarecrow rushes out of the church.
00:16:00 Confirmed, it is not one of the bylaws.
00:16:16 Scarecrow invites the awakened infected to a 1,600 meter race. The infected gladly accept.
00:16:20 Randoms begin throwing molotov cocktails at the infected, setting them aflame. That’s totally against the rules of the race, right??
00:16:25 The rules clearly state you must remain unflaming throughout the course of the race.
00:16:31 And you’re DQ’d! And you’re DQ’d!
00:16:52 Scarecrow, who began the race at a distant 20:1 odds, takes first place!!
00:17:06 He takes refuge with the molotov cocktail-throwers in a gas station’s back room. The other flaming contestants ignite a bunch of gasoline and, well, blow up.
00:17:38 The gang make their way down into the subway tubes. One of them tells a frightened Scarecrow riddles. Scarecrow isn’t good at riddles.
00:18:53 One of the molotov cocktail-throwers is Naomie Harris. She’s the voodoo lady from Pirates of the Caribbean. She will from here forth be referred to as Voodoo. The other guy is Mark. He’s pretty lame.
00:19:30 Voodoo brings Scarecrow up to speed on all he’s missed in his 28 days of unconsciousness. Scarecrow is pretty relieved that he chose the perfect time to check out for a little while.
00:20:37 “There has to be a government,” Scarecrow insists, “police, authority…” No countries and no religion too?!
00:22:02 Mark, Voodoo, and Scarecrow continue their sightseeing of London in daylight. Hey, a plague-like apocalypse can’t ruin a good vacation!
00:23:09 The group enters Scarecrow’s old home. He finds his parents dead in their bed, cause of death via sleeping pills. The group takes refuge for the night.
00:28:05 Scarecrow explores his home and watches old home videos. An infected spots the light from the television and attack through the glass door. Mark saves Scarecrow by hacking the infected with a machete. Voodoo is pissed. She asks Scarecrow if he’s been bitten but he denies. She turns to Mark; he has been bitten. She kills Mark. Being bitten is too mainstream, bro. You are officially EXPELLED from the hipster functioning homo sapien faction!
00:30:53 Voodoo explains the rules of the infected to Scarecrow which is essentially the official zombie survival guide.
00:32:38 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction spot a light coming from an apartment complex. They begin a 15 floor climb to the illuminating beacon.
00:33:46 On floor eight, they realize the infected have infiltrated the complex. The infected fly up the staircase triple the speed of the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. I mean, should we just accept being infected? These guys seem to be way more athletic than hipster humans. Scarecrow was heaving on floor five alone!
00:34:31 Voodoo and Scarecrow run into a riot-gear clad fellow who beats up the infected and invites the faction in for tea.
00:35:24 Oh, look! It’s Mad-eye Moody! And he has two totally normal eyes!
00:35:36 They introduce themselves to Mad-Eye and his daughter, Hannah.
00:35:38 The light emitting from the apartment are flashing Christmas lights which instantly qualifies 28 Days Later as a classic Christmas film. Hey, if we can put Die Hard on the list, I can put 28 goddamn Days Later on my list too! No, we are not watching Frosty the Snowman again, mom! We are watching the infected chase a bunch of hipsters around downtown London! ‘Tis the season!
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00:38:07 Scarecrow shaves. He didn’t like being compared to Andrew Luck.
00:38:51 Voodoo and Scarecrow take refuge at Mad-Eye’s apartment. Functioning Homo Sapien Faction’s couch hopping abilities are strong!
00:40:17 Mad Eye shows Scarecrow the roof where he is collecting rain water to drink, proving his worth as a true hipster and eco-friendly as well.
00:41:09 I wonder, if there truly is an infected apocalypse, if the hipsters have a stronger chance of survival. Does Vegas have odds on which stereotypes will last the longest?
00:42:34 Mad-Eye is inducted to the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. They argue over whether to respond to a military proclamation for people to journey to a safe house outside the city. Infected and Xenomorphs need not apply.
00:43:18 Mad-Eye is a taxi driver. He takes the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction out for another tour of London.
00:43:59 Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.
00:44:20 Mad-Eye takes their taxi underneath in a tunnel where there are abandoned cars and dead bodies. Haven’t seen this!
00:45:02 Mad-Eye turns into a monster truck driver and begins running over the cars until he blows out his tire. Note to self: taxi is not a 20-foot tall monster truck.
00:45:41 While fixing the wrecked tire, rats expel from the sewers. Ironically, they do not begin a plague.
00:46:00 The infected enter the tunnels, their shadows reflect upon the walls. The hipsters turn NASCAR pit crew to replace the tire.
00:46:56 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction escape, prove that the infected are not as fast as moving vehicles. Infected is overrated anyway!
00:47:43 The Faction find a grocery store and go BLACK FRIDAY ALL OVER IT!
00:48:50 Mad-Eye steals about five bottles of whiskey, is my kind of guy.
00:49:21 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction decide it’s a beautiful day to travel the outskirts of London, promptly run out of gas.
00:50:03 They decide to siphon some gasoline from a tanker. Stealing is now officially totally hipster.
00:51:34 Scarecrow enters the adjacent store because, “he wants a cheeseburger.” I mean, unless McDonald’s isn’t telling us something about their Big Macs storage ability, I’m pretty sure all that ground meat is rotten. But, it is McDonald’s soo….
00:52:17 Scarecrow gets jump scared by an infected. He beats the shit out of it. End scene.
00:53:25 The group drives to Stonehenge because you can’t go to England and not see Stonehenge!
00:53:56 Confirmed: bunch of random stones in the ground are not Stonehenge.
00:54:16 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction stop to eat some of their stolen food.
00:56:13 The group decides to bunk up for the night OUTSIDE. Why is that the plan!? Every other plan so far has seemed legit given the circumstances but now we’re sleeping outside!? (Not) Stonehenge will not protect you!
00:58:31 Scarecrow wakes up in daylight to find himself abandoned. He yells at a bunch of horses.
00:59:01 Except he was dreaming and it is still dark. Are we back to Oculus? Is that a goddamned mirror hanging on Stonehenge?!
00:59:27 The group awakes in daylight. I still do not approve of their ‘camping with the infected’ plan.
01:00:25 Taxi continues down abandoned free ways. The taxi toll continues to rise. Will that be cash or credit?
01:01:51 The taxi reaches a Manchester border toll booth. The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction remembers that they denounced coin money as too mainstream right before deciding being infected wasn’t very hipster. I mean, given their declaration that hipsters steal everything now, our group should be fine.
01:03:15 The toll booth has been blockaded by the military. Looks like they’ll have to actually pay the toll. Dammit all!
01:03:55 Mad-Eye goes searching for some set of keys to move the military truck blockade.
01:05:10 Mad-Eye gets pissed at a crow feasting on some infected body hanging on a pillar. He gets underneath it and starts yelling at the rude crow when a drop of blood falls into his eye.
01:05:36 Mad-Eye realizes that he is fucked. He goes to tell his daughter that he loves her and to keep away. He begins his conversion to the mainstream-infection side but Mad-Eye is shot dead by hidden military soldiers.
01:06:58 The soldiers bring the depleted Functioning Homo Sapien Faction to their headquarters, Windsor Castle.
01:07:12 Okay, it’s not really Windsor Castle but I’m going to call it freaking Windsor Castle.
01:07:43 The soldiers bring the faction to their leader, Major Henry West, played by Christopher Eccleston, who recently played Malekith in Thor: The Dark World.
01:08:59 Voodoo and Scarecrow, once again, take refuge. This time at Windsor Castle. Be careful, Malekith! The last two people they couch hopped on didn’t make it past the hour mark!
01:10:59 Malekith gives Scarecrow a tour of all their booby-traps such as flood lights, trip wires and well-placed snipers, to protect Windsor Castle.
01:11:47 Scarecrow is beginning to see that the soldiers are really a bunch of immature jerks. I guess Vegas needs to up ‘immature jerks’ odds for apocalypse survival?
01:12:10 Malekith has an infected tied up in their courtyard for experimentation. If only Ocean’s Eleven could see this now!
01:13:06 The infected are people too! Freedom! Freedom!
01:13:54 The soldiers feast in Windsor Castle’s dining hall, slamming their silverware and singing Arsenal chants. Long live the infected Queen!
01:14:13 Malekith is totally having a King Henry the VIII complex syndrome. He will collect many wives, or immature soldiers or hipsters. You know what, fuck it. OFF WITH ALL THEIR HEADS!
01:15:54 One of the sergeants tries his best Plato impersonation, believes that they should just let the infected happen, man; return to normality. Scratch that, sergeant may be more surfer duuuuude.
01:16:44 Hannah refuses to eat. Malekith demands she eats or off with her head!
01:17:15 Infected trip the encompassing alarms. Asshole soldiers go to work, gunning down the intruders. They count their killings, keeping score. You’re welcome, Nazi Zombies.
01:18:45 The soldiers return from their slaughter and mock Voodoo for both holding a machete and being a women. I told you these soldiers were jerks.
01:19:50 Malekith breaks up his soldier’s inappropriate pursuit of Voodoo. She storms off to her bedroom. Malekith takes Scarecrow to his office for a drink.
01:20:54 Malekith explains his intentions for the women of the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. He wants them to become wives to him and his soldiers, to become impregnated and create for their future. He really took the Henry the VIII thing seriously, didn’t he?
01:21:52 Scarecrow won’t allow it. He rushes to retrieve Voodoo and Hannah but is knocked out conscious by an asshole soldier.
01:22:08 Scarecrow comes to and Malekith reiterates that the only way he doesn’t start feeding his Pet Infected is if he cooperates.
01:23:54 Scarecrow is sent to the brig where he finds that sergeant surfer duuude is also exiled. A few moments later, the two of them are being dragged out into the middle of the woods to be executed.
01:25:45 The immature jerk soldiers execute surfer duuuude and, while they argue since they are immature jerks, Scarecrow escapes over the Windsor Castle dividing wall. The immature soldiers shrug and go home. Mission accomplished??
01:27:25 Scarecrow runs through the woods and falls. He stares up at the sky and sees a plane cruising through the air. There is hope.
01:28:19 Malekith unleashes his immature children soldiers on Voodoo and Hannah. Voodoo hypnotizes the immature jerks with her femininity to leave Hannah and her alone to dress. While they are gone, Voodoo tries to convince Hannah to commit suicide with pills. One of the soldiers breaks this up however.
01:30:23 The alarm sounds, soldiers scatter.
01:30:30 Beyond the Windsor wall, Scarecrow triggers the beacon. Attack on Windsor Castle commences!
01:31:05 A convoy drives out to the beacon. Scarecrow waits. He has learned the ways of the infected; has now become Infected (but not really infected) Ninja.
01:32:24 Scarecrow kills one of the soldiers and disconnects the military vehicle. Malekith is stranded.
01:33:17 Malekith begins his on-foot trek through the woods back to Windsor.
01:33:42 Scarecrow returns to Windsor and unleashes Pet Infected. Pet and him exchange knowing looks and Pet creates chaos within the castle.
01:33:46 The infected are so misunderstood! All it takes is a little bit of trust and some parkour and we can all get along!
01:34:09 The immature soldiers are on-edge with King Henry the VIII away.
01:35:01 Sleeping-pill-drugged Hannah goes all premonition on the soldiers, telling them they’re going to be next.
01:35:13 Pet Infected immediately responds with killer-precise timing, murders soldier through a window.
01:35:24 Voodoo and Hannah escape but Hannah is high as a kite. She doesn’t seem to worry about the impending doom. Surfer duuuude would have been so proud of you, Hannah!
01:36:06 The infection begins to spread throughout the soldiers. Infiltrate from within!
01:37:13 The soldiers panic as the infected begin to multiply. One soldier runs up the stairs to be stabbed by Scarecrow. Scarecrow has now entered the building!
01:38:07 Malekith returns to find his house a wreck and most of his soldiers dying and/or chasing their former teammates around his castle. This is why you always hire a babysitter!
01:39:26 Hannah hides from an infected by hanging from the back of a mirror. The infected enters the room and is entranced by his own reflection. The narcissism is strong with this one!
01:40:21 Scarecrow frantically searches Windsor for Voodoo and Hannah.
01:41:24 He finds Voodoo being held hostage by a soldier. He drops down and brutally murders the soldier. The infected have taught him well!
01:42:26 Given his infected-like violence, Voodoo threatens to hack Scarecrow with a machete. Upon noticing his active membership card to the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction, she decides the better course of action is to make out with him instead.
01:43:03 Given Voodoo and Scarecrow’s non-infected-like make out session, Hannah breaks a bottle over Scarecrow’s head. We’ll give Hannah a pass on this one though. She’s still superrrr highhhh.
01:43:35 The realigned Functioning Homo Sapien Faction flee Windsor Castle towards Mad-Eye’s taxi. Upon opening the cab door, Malekith shoots Scarecrow.
01:43:37 Hannah, who has taken her place in the drivers spot which I can only wonder why given her super high actions of the past ten minutes, reverses the taxi into Windsor’s main entrance. Her new best friend, Pet Infected, rips Malekith out of the rear window and tears him to pieces.
01:44:14 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction retreat from the castle and Pet Infected bellows from the doorway, proclaiming there is a new King of England! ALL HAIL!
01:44:41 Hannah speeds the taxi towards the main gate, which is locked. In her infinite-high wisdom, she rams it. The screen goes black. A 28 days later cue card fades in.
01:44:59 Scarecrow awakens in bed, showing off a rather impressive inner clock.
01:45:49 The faction is in Scotland surviving on canned goods in isolation.
01:47:41 A jet flies by and sees HELLO written on the faction’s lawn with knitted sheets. “Send a helicopter,” the pilot orders over his comms.
01:47:58 “Think he saw us this time?” Voodoo teases.
END CREDITS
And that’s a wrap on 28 Days Later! Remember to always bet on hipsters when it comes to apocalypses. World-wide doom is wayyy too mainstream. Oh, and beware King Henry the VIII’s immature army. They are both ill-prepared and perverts.
Also, next time you watch a zombie movie or watch a new episode of the Walking Dead, remember that it probably wouldn’t exist if Danny Boyle didn’t introduce the infected’s vacation in London. Oh and also don’t let GNC test pre-workouts on apes! It is very dangerous for mankind and doesn’t make a lick of sense!
Sources
- 28 Days Later. Dir. Danny Boyle. Perf. Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris. DNA Films, 2002.
- Cover Image
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