00:00:00 Have you ever dreamed of a horror movie that contained all your classic villains, creatures and cliches without that film paying anything for the intellectual properties? Welcome to The Cabin in the Woods.
I’ll admit it, Cabin in the Woods may be my favorite horror movie. I realize that it shouldn’t technically qualify as horror and that many people hate this movie. But Cabin in the Woods was never constructed to be scary. It suffered from a bad marketing campaign and audiences arrived at theaters expecting some type of generic slasher Jason Voorhees-knock off.
Instead you probably left the cinema’s having laughed more than screamed. That’s perfectly fine! It’s a genre film about it’s genre. A love poem to all that is horror.
Written by Buffy the Vampire Slayer geniuses Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard, Cabin in the Woods is a brilliant piece of meta.
Are y’all tired of my lauding yet? Good. Horror Holiday presents Cabin in the Woods!
00:01:12 The movie opens with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford chatting in a typical work-environment break room about fertility issues. I would watch a whole two hour movie starring Whitford and Jenkins talking in a break room.
00:01:56 Amy Acker approaches the guys, decked out in science lab clothing. She tells them that Stockholm, “went south”. I don’t know, Amy, I actually think it’s pretty north.
00:02:08 She informs Jenkins and Whitford that only Japan and us are left. Are we supposed to call them up to battle royale for global supremacy? Or, like, throw a party because we are the last ones left! Wooo! We did it, guys!
00:02:20 Jenkins and Whitford jump onto a golf cart and drive through corridors. Jenkins fumbles with his break room coffee while Whitford drives the cart with two hands. They continue their fertility conversation and discuss hanging out with beer and power tools. Can I, like, intern for you guys or something?
00:03:06 Dana, played by Kristen Connolly, packs in her room, pantless, in front of open windows. I’m so glad we are past Scream and actually have self-aware characters now…..
00:03:39 Her best friend Jules, portrayed by Anna Hutchison, sneaks into the room behind her. Dana freaks out because Jules has dyed her hair blonde. THIS IS A BIG DEAL GUYS! Going blonde is a big commitment!
00:04:36 Jules mocks Dana for being a nerd and wanting to bring textbooks on their drunken cabin escapades. Chris Hemsworth (you fucking heard me) tip toes behind them and throws a football out the window. Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy receives the pass about three stories down. What a connection! Coach! Get some scholarships over here!
00:05:14 Chris Hemsworth and Jules reenact the, “I learned it from watching you,” anti-drug PSA but instead of drugs, it’s textbooks. How can you not love this?!
00:05:41 Dana finally realizes that she is not wearing pants in front of her best friend’s boyfriend. Hanging out in no pants must just be casual wednesday.
00:05:49 Williams and Hemsworth load the camper as their final companion, Marty, rolls up in his car while smoking a giant bong out of his lap. Nice.
00:06:29 Marty reasons that the cops won’t pull over a man with a giant bong in his car. Don’t try this, kids.
00:06:42 Marty also locks his car with the windows wide open. Don’t do this either, kids.
00:06:56 Finally, Marty compresses his giant bong into a travel-sized coffee mug. Yes, you may do this, kids.
00:07:20 As the camper pulls away from Dana’s house, the camera pans up to find NINJA SECRET AGENT hanging out on the roof. He informs his radio that everything is a go.
00:08:15 Marty monologues about society crumbling and everyone being watched all while rolling up about twelve joints. I’m pretty sure I knew a few Marty’s in college.
00:08:22 “Society needs to crumble,” Marty wraps up, “we’re all just too chicken-shit to let it.”
00:08:31 Awwww man! An intern military guard verifies Jenkins and Whitford for entrance to the control room. I could have totally done that!
00:09:12 Intern Truman reports that he’s been briefed on the mission. He leaves Whitford and Jenkins to do their work on some massive control room screens. And soooo many buttons!
00:09:55 The camper arrives at a vacant-looking gas station. Chris Hemsworth is still holding a football just in case you didn’t believe Thor was jock enough.
00:10:45 A creepy old man appears from within the convenience store. He warns them about the ol’ Buckner cabin; tells them that he owns that property’s lawn and Y’ALL BEST STAY OFF NOW YA HEAR??
00:11:41 Old man and the kids sash each other. Old man calls newly-blonde Jules a whore and they part ways. Oh the wonders of meeting new friends!
00:13:50 The gang arrives and oh look! It’s an exact replica of the Evil Dead cabin! Listen, Jamie Kennedy doesn’t know shit about guidelines to avoid being in a horror movie. Virginity, drinking, “I’ll be right back,” nah nah nah. Rule number fucking one: if your brand new cabin looks exactly like the Evil Dead cabin, you do not go in that cabin. You get back in what ever means of transportation you arrived in: car, camper, bicycle, fucking horseback and you find a different goddamn cabin. I mean, it’s basically on par with, ‘never read the fucking latin.’ YOU JUST DON’T DO IT!
00:15:44 Jesse Williams is creeped out by a painting in his bedroom depicting men slaughtering a goat. He takes the painting down to reveal a one-way mirror into Dana’s room. On basic instinct, I guess, Dana begins undressing. Because fuck clothes, right? She already spent three hours or so clothed in the camper. Can’t take it any longer! Jesse Williams internally struggles: watch or alert Dana. He decides to alert Dana and the others come check out the mirror.
00:18:12 If Evil Dead cabin is now giving you strange clues that this cabin may not be your generic cabin, you should leave.
00:18:57 We return to Jenkins and Whitford who are watching from a dozen of camera feeds throughout the cabin. Amy Acker informs the Dream Team that the chem department drugged Jules’ hair dye to seep into her brain and make her dumber. Is that how dumb blonde works?
00:22:19 The control room becomes crowded and Jenkins stands above his audience collecting bets. He takes Whitford’s bet and teases him, calling him ‘aquaman,’ but Whitford doesn’t find it too funny.
00:22:50 Oh what! There are more interns!? Is there a whole department? I have to find an application website or something. Anyway, the intern places the same exact bet as maintenance. Awkward.
00:23:42 Truman asks about the betting and what is going on. So much for being briefed. Whitford and Jenkins explain how the kids must be punished, how it is all just part of the game. “If they don’t go down into the basement, they don’t progress and they live.” Do I even have to state the rule against going down into Evil Dead’s basement?
00:25:39 The gang get drunk and play truth or dare. Marty dares Jules to make out with the moose hanging on the wall but instead points to a wolf. Did they give the hair dye to the wrong person? Maybe he’s just super high.
00:26:58 Jules over-sexually makes out with the dead wolf’s head and automatically answers my previous question.
00:28:03 During Dana’s turn, the cellar door flies open. Hemsworth dares her to go check it out and break every one of the previously mentioned horror rules.
00:29:04 The gang heads down together and discover a cellar full of creepy portraits, mirrors, wedding dresses, conches, film reels, music boxes, basically any frightening item you can imagine finding in a bad, no good, Evil Dead basement.
00:30:14 The gang play with their new toys, obviously. Dana begins to read an old journal aloud.
00:31:00 The gang gathers. The diary belongs to a child named Patience. Patience is basically the offspring of Texas Chainsaw and the grown-up girl from the Exorcist who was then raised in the Evil Dead cabin while being disciplined with hack saws and butcher knives. Essentially the disturbed journal is a page-turner.
00:32:05 Dana pauses. “And then there’s something in latin.”
00:32:06 “Dana, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand,” Marty cautions, “don’t read the fucking latin.”
00:32:14 Dana begins reading the latin because of course she fucking does.
00:32:25 A hand rises through the ground, deep within the woods. The dead have been reanimated. And it’s a fucking family of five.
00:33:17 Maintenance and the intern win the work betting pool for Zombie Redneck Torture Family! Wooo!
00:34:14 Whitford is upset. Jenkins waddles up to comfort his disappointed partner. See, every year Whitford places a bet for this murderous amphibian creature called The Merman but every year he loses. He wants, just once, to see a Merman. Just one time.
00:34:40 We check out one of the smaller TV screens labeled, “Japan,” where the girl from The Ring is wrecking havoc on some elementary children. Is this how the last two countries left in the world educate our children?
00:35:04 We’re back at the cabin and Jules has gone full-on dumb blonde. Good work, chem department. She dances extremely sexually in front of the fire place and everyone is super uncomfortable.
00:36:54 Hemsworth takes Jules out to bone her in the woods. Bedroom’s are too mainstream.
00:37:18 Marty questions Dana on some of the oddities going on amongst their friends. Jules typically isn’t slutty and Hemsworth doesn’t act like a complete air-head jock. “He’s a sociology major,” Marty reasons, “he’s on full academic scholarship.”
00:37:38 Marty believes that the cabin is making them puppets. Dana just tells him that he’s really high. He chooses to go read a book with pictures instead.
00:42:16 Jules and Hemsworth wander around the woods looking for a place to have sex. They are making out on the ground when one of the Zombie Rednecks decide a menage a trois would be better. It stabs Jules’ hand and Hemsworth tackles him. More arrive though, with rather impressive and original weapons. One of them has a bear trap. A fucking bear trap!
00:43:06 Hemsworth is restrained as two of Zombie Rednecks handle a giant crosscut saw and cut off Jules’ head.
00:44:03 Back in the control room a prayer is read. Jenkins reaches for a golden lever and blood trickles down from a fountain to fill in the gaps of a stone carving.
00:46:15 Marty goes outside to take a leak. As he does his business, a one-armed young female member of the Zombie Rednecks approaches behind him. Her name is Patience.
00:46:41 Hemsworth charges out of the woods and completely levels Patience. “Dumb bitch!” he yells at her. Poor Patience.
00:46:50 Everyone asks Hemsworth what is happening. “Where’s Jules?” Dana opens the cabin door and is greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He hands her a head. There’s Jules!
00:48:32 The gang chooses to split up, Scooby-Doo style. They barricade themselves in their respective rooms and the control room locks them in.
00:49:14 Marty breaks a vase. He notices a tiny camera and traces the wire all the way through his room. The control room freaks out but notices Grandpa Zombie Redneck approaching Marty’s window.
00:50:18 Grandpa rips Marty out of the cabin window but Marty whips out his coffee mug bong and smacks Grandpa. Fuck yeah!
00:50:46 Grandpa Zombie Redneck is unfazed. He stabs Marty and drags him into the woods. Jenkins pulls another golden lever and more blood is leaked out of the fountain.
00:51:49 One of the big happy Zombie Redneck family members tries to bust into Dana’s room but Jesse Williams breaks the one way mirror and saves her.
00:52:45 They return to the basement because why the fuck not and find all the weapons that gave Zombie Redneck Torture Family their namesake.
00:53:03 As they look for a way out, a bear trap latches onto Jesse Williams and drags him upwards. Bear traps are terrifying, man! Dana rescues Williams though by piercing the Zombie Redneck in the face a few times with an ice pick.
00:54:41 Hemsworth finds them in the basement and leads them out the cellar door. They jump in the camper and drive away a slight 40 minutes past due.
00:55:07 We return to Japan, one of the remaining countries in the world. The little school children have defeated Miss Ring and transformed her into the frog. Jenkins stares at the screen and issues the children a message.
“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you!”
So many lessons learned in so few words.
00:57:30 Amy Acker flashes onto one of the screens. Japan’s perfect record has been squandered and zero fatalities, at that. Jenkins questions her department about Marty’s weed, which should have been laced to make him completely inebriated. “How did he almost make it out of there?”
00:58:04 Whitford notices the camper fly by on one of the cameras. He checks another and realizes that the tunnel, the wood’s only exit, has not caved in as scheduled.
00:58:34 Jenkins sprints out of the control room and down hallways. He bursts into the electronics room and splices some wires. The camper is halfway through the tunnel when it finally detonates. Hemsworth throws the RV into reverse and they narrowly avoid being crushed.
00:59:13 There is a 20 foot canyon between where they stand and road on the other side of the tunnel. Hemsworth conveniently brought his fucking dirt bike. “I’m going to jump it.” Okay…
00:59:34 Hemsworth promises to return with, “police, helicopters and fucking tanks and we are going to kill those things that killed Jules.” That may be a tad overkill, Thor.
00:59:45 Hemsworth revs his engine and begins his run up towards the gap. He launches and has a good take off. It looks like he could make itttttt …. until he hits an invisible barrier and Hemsworth crashs down into the canyon’s abyss.
01:00:00 Soooo about that overkill statement… Scratch that. I think you’re going to need some divine intervention to get out of here.
01:01:20 Jesse Williams and Dana return to the RV. Williams says that they will drive until they can’t drive anymore. Jesse Williams is then stabbed through his neck by a hidden Zombie Redneck and the camper crashes into the lake. I mean, Jesse wasn’t wrong in his claim.
01:02:27 Dana escapes the sinking RV and swims to the surface. From within the control room, Whitford and Jenkins celebrate with beers.
01:02:35 “Why are you celebrating? There’s still one left,” Truman asks. “The virgin’s death is optional,” explains Whitford, “as long as she suffers, the ritual is complete.”
01:03:35 Dana crawls up to the dock and is instantly greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He strangles and tortures her while the entire company parties in the control room.
01:04:50 Jenkins teases the electrical department about their tunnel cave-in malfunction. They inform him that it wasn’t their fault, that there was a power failure upstairs. “What do you mean upstairs?” Jenkins questions.
01:05:05 The red phone rings. The party stops. Jenkins and Whitford exchange worried looks. Whitford finally answers and is hushed.
….
“That’s impossible, everything was done within the guidelines,” Whitford explains.
……..
“No, the virgin is the final one I….”
………..
“Which one?”
01:05:53 Daddy Zombie Redneck continues to toy with Dana on the dock. He swings his bear trap high above his head for a death blow but it’s swing is disrupted by an object: a coffee mug shaped bong.
01:06:34 Marty whacks Daddy Zombie Redneck into the lake and him and Dana run back towards the cabin.
01:07:05 Marty leads her into one of the zombie’s graves. Six feet under are wires and steel. Marty tells her that he’s figured it out, that there is an elevator below their feet. He splices some wires and the top of the elevator opens. They enter.
01:09:01 The elevator descends and stops. It begins moving sideways. The doors of the elevator are glass windows. It halts.
01:09:53 A werewolf jumps at their window and they move laterally again. They stop. A ghost mocks them.
01:10:13 They descend once again and Marty witnesses a ballerina with a face full of jagged teeth. Dana gazes at a Hellraiser knockoff.
01:11:22 “The cellar,” Dana fights back tears, “all that shit we played with. They made us choose. They made us choose how we died.” She begins screaming at Hellraiser. Hellraiser is pleased by the attention. The camera pans out and we see a rubik’s cube of monsters stuck in their elevator prisons. Dana and Marty’s is merely one in a thousand.
01:12:04 Now this is where Cabin in the Woods earns it’s cool points. All of these monsters and aliens and creatures of horror in one place. It’s a classic-horror fan’s wet dream.
01:12:11 The control room completely panics. They’ve lost track of their victims. “Where the fuck are they?” Jenkins screams over a radio. “Do not touch the girl. You must kill the fool first or this whole thing goes to hell,” Whitford states.
01:12:20 So yeahhhh, I apologize if this diary log hasn’t made much sense so far. The movie builds to it but it’s difficult to explain during it’s course. Essentially, once per year, each country is responsible for conducting a ritual to the Gods. Think Greek mythology and all that. This scenario is basically if Zeus had a serious horror snuff film fetish (also, Zeus probably has a serious horror snuff film fetish).
At least one of the rituals must be successful to keep the Gods from rising beneath the Earth and raging hell on humanity. The countries base their rituals on their horror stereotypes. Japan has The Ring and The Grudge influences, Spain has government conspiracy theory-related horror and us Americans just want to see zombies kill some teenagers.
Which brings me to my next point: the virgin. Dana is the virgin except she is not a virgin. In the beginning of the film, Jules mentions her past affair with a professor. Anyway, the other stereotypes are also present. Jules, the blonde slut. Chris Hemsworth, the dumb jock. Jesse Williams, the nerrrddddd. And Marty, the fool.
The characters, other than Marty, have not acted like themselves this whole movie. That’s because they’ve been drugged. They all act like their given stereotypes. Marty, though, is immune because the chem department fucked up. They did lace his weed but Marty had a secret stash that he was using this weekend. Marty, while super high, was our most sober protagonist.
01:12:26 Truman scans the television monitors and spots Dana and Marty in their elevator cube. “Bring them downstairs,” Jenkins demands.
01:13:12 Dana and Marty cautiously exit the elevator to find twelve others in an elevator lobby. A voice speaks to them over the loud speaker telling them the story of the Gods. SWAT teams approach from all directions.
01:14:37 Dana and Marty hide in the elevator control room. The SWAT team shoots at the bulletproof glass. Dana finds a red button labeled System Purge. And presses it. Fuck yeah!
01:15:14 Now let me pause briefly to inform you that I cannot put into words the awesomeness that follows. I will try but I will fail. Nothing can replace the epicness of this elevator sequence.
01:15:15 A buzzer sounds and the SWAT team halts. They look around as the sound of twelve descending elevators grow louder. One of them puts his gun down. “Aw shit.” The lights above the elevators ding on.
01:15:30 Twelve of the most pissed off horror monsters bolt out of the elevator doors and brutally, gruesomely rip each SWAT member into pieces.
01:16:01 A second SWAT team approaches and is greeted by an elevator lobby drenched in dripping blood and intestines. The elevator lights flash on again. Ding!
01:16:10 Everybody fucking dies in the worst way imaginable. That’s the best way I can explain this scene.
01:16:19 The elevator continues to purge it’s residents. Hellraiser! Angry Molesting Tree! Zombies!
01:16:25 A ghost!
01:16:30 A Basilisk!
01:16:35 The Strangers!
01:16:40 It!
01:17:11 Truman locks down the control room. Whitford and Jenkins attempt to troubleshoot as Amy Acker stands petrified.
01:17:50 A giant vampire bat breaks through Dana and Marty’s bulletproof window and they run. They sneak past death and destruction into a hole in an adjacent wall.
01:18:20 A werewolf bites an employee’s head off!
01:18:29 It! rips an interns heart out! Damn, I dodged a bullet with this company.
01:18:40 A fucking Unicorn rams it’s fucking uni-corn into a man’s chest.
01:18:47 And finally, Patience, daughter of Daddy Zombie Redneck Torture Family, is the last to arrive in her elevator. Awwwww!
01:19:07 Cannibalistic Scarecrows breach the control room and begin eating Truman. He pulls one of his grenades and blows himself up but incidentally propels Whitford across the room. Broken and injured, Whitford gazes into the smoke. Kerplop, kerplop. Whitford narrows his eyes and looks closer. Kerplop, kerplop. The Merman has arrived.
01:20:05 “Oh come on,” Whitford utters before his wonderful Merman bites into his face and rockets blood out of his blowhole.
01:20:11 Jenkins finally hacks through the escape hatch system and jumps down. Amy Acker is a second too late as an octopus tentacle rips through the ceiling and takes her.
01:20:35 Jenkins runs down the secret tunnels but is stabbed by a surprised Dana.
01:21:21 He leans against a wall and bleeds out. But before he dies, Jenkins begs Dana to, “kill Marty.”
01:21:47 Dana and Marty descend to the ritual room where all the fountain’s blood has been filling massive stone carvings of the Jock, the Whore, the Nerdddd and the Fool.
01:23:16 Sigourney Weaver appears. She is the God’s liaison.
01:23:18 Sigourney fucking Wheeler. Hells yes. Great choice, Gods. Anyone who can kick a Xenomorph’s ass is worthy to kick it with Zeus.
01:23:31 Weaver explains the ritual. When she refers to Dana, she calls her the virgin. Dana laughs. “We work with what we have,” Weaver says.
01:24:28 Weaver begs Dana to kill Marty or else the Gods will rise and rule the planet, brutally murdering and/or enslaving every human being. “You can die with them,” Weaver continues, “or you can die for them.”
01:25:51 Dana raises a gun. “I’m sorry, Marty.”
01:25:53 Marty gazes past her. “I’m sorry too.”
01:25:55 The werewolf bites Dana’s neck.
01:26:01 Marty scrambles to the dropped gun and shoots the werewolf off Dana. Weaver tackles him and they struggle for the weapon.
01:26:12 Incapacitated, Dana lays on the steps as Patience approaches. She walks past Dana.
01:26:43 As Weaver gets the upper hand on Marty, Patience swings her ax into Weaver’s skull.
01:26:45 FUCK YEAH, PATIENCE! YOU DID IT!
01:26:47 Marty kicks her down into the God pit. You’re one of them now, Patience.
01:27:58 Marty joins the bloody Dana on the steps. He takes a joint out of his pocket, lights up and shares it with her.
01:28:50 “It’s time to give someone else a chance,” Dana exhales.
01:29:55 The Gods rise and enslave the planet.
END CREDITS!
Oh? Don’t like the ending? It completely fits given the prior narrative of breaking horror stereotypes. It’s time to give Zeus and Hermes and Athena some Earth time. Humans are so selfish.
And that’s a wrap on The Cabin in the Woods! If you thought Scream was meta, this movie takes that and shoots it to the moon. It’s also rather original. Okay, okay, if you’ve seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I know that this whole secret lab of monsters thing is basically ripped off. But hey! Joss Whedon wrote both these stories so I’m sure it’s okay to rip off yourself. Sometimes.
We learned that cops don’t mess with you if you are smoking from your giant bong while driving, Patience is a very patient zombie redneck, and not to buy stock in whatever company Jenkins and Whitford worked for. That’s going to be a rough drop on Monday, shareholders.
Sources
- Cabin in the Woods. Dir. Drew Goddard. Perf. Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth. Lionsgate, 2012.
- Cover Image
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