Psycho

00:00:00 Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock’s horror classic Psycho!

Yeah, let’s just get to it!

Take us away, Mr. Hitchcock!

00:00:30 Andddd we’re black and white. CAN YOU FEEL THAT GRITTINESS?!

00:00:54 The opening orchestra rocks out with the Pyscho theme music as the beginning credits stream by. Did you know George Lucas’ Star Wars was one of the first films to do the production credits after the movie? Before Star Wars, every movie had a two minute opening credits sequence.

00:02:21 And we begin!

00:02:30 A cue card reads Phoenix, Arizona. Friday December 11th, 2:43 pm.

00:03:30 We open up in a couple’s bedroom. The man begs her not to go into work today, that he needs her at home.

00:03:44 Scratch that, apparently they are in a hotel room because the man is having an out-of-town affair.

00:05:46 The couple have some sort of deep conversation about their complicated relationship but I’m not interested. The woman has short blonde hair. She wants more commitment from her man but the guy rattles off like seven different excuses why they can’t extend their intimacy past sketchy hotel sex.

00:07:37 The blonde haired woman, Marion Cane, finally returns to work. Apparently this was her lunch break?

00:07:40 Marion is a secretary at a realtor’s office. Big housing business going down in southern Arizona, I hear.

00:08:15 A cowboy-wannabe client comes into the office and tries flirting with Marion by talking about his own daughter. Why don’t characters in horror movies know how to flirt? This is beginning to become a dilemma!

00:08:38 “You know what I do with my unhappiness?” The client questions Marion, “I buy it off. Are you unhappy?” Now there’s a pickup line!

00:08:47 She shuts him down though. The cowboy hat wearing-client continues to brag about the house he is about to buy from her agency. “I have 40,000 cash,” and Marion’s boss’ jaw drops.

00:10:04 Marion’s boss instructs her to put the $40,000 in the safe. He doesn’t want it sitting in the office all weekend.

00:10:50 Marion asks to be excused for the day, cites a headache. But she will bring the client’s money to the bank.

00:11:28 Marion returns home and surprise! She never brought the money to the bank. She packs a suitcase and high tails it out of the state. Yeah! Fuck, Arizona, amirite?

00:13:08 She begins her drive out of Phoenix. She daydreams of her lover but is brought back to reality when she stops at a crosswalk and her boss and client stroll by. She panics but her boss merely gives her attention.

00:14:37 A police car pulls over to investigate an immobilized car on the side of the road. He peers in and Marion awakes. He probes her with some basic questions but Marion appears startled.

00:16:14 The officer requests her license and registration. He checks her plates and returns her identification to her. She drives away.

00:17:00 The officer begins to follow her.

00:17:19 She takes some exit ramps and the officer continues a steady pursuit.

00:17:45 Finally, the officer pulls off.

00:18:32 Marion drives into a car dealership and grabs a newspaper while waiting for an employee to help her. The police officer returns. Take it easy, Michael Myers, she’s not that into you.

00:19:28 Marion asks the dealer if she can trade in her car. She peers over her shoulder as the officer watches from across the street. Just saying, Marion probably doesn’t have this ongoing conflict if she doesn’t act so suspicious when the police officer asks her how her day’s going. “Uh uh uh fine sir. Now go away!” does not qualify for ‘keeping one’s cool’.

Now she’s trying to trade in her vehicle with the officer watching from across the street? You have to chill, girl!

00:22:42 The car dealer admits to Marion that he has some concerns about someone just swinging by and buying a car without even a test run. “I’m not on the run or anything,” Marion speaks all too fast, “What, you don’t like spontaneous women?”

00:22:45 By the way, the dealer has been glancing over to the onlooking police officer. Come on, Marion, poker face!

00:23:02 The dealer and Marion go into the office to finalize the transaction. The police officer pulls into the dealership and looks around.

00:23:36 Marion emerges from the office and, upon seeing the police officer, enters her new car and begins to drive away.

00:23:40 “Hey!” a mechanic shouts. Marion stops the vehicle. “You forgot your suitcase, m’aam.”

The car dealer and the police office exchange puzzled looks. Smoooooth, Marion.

00:23:45 Marion drives away. She day dreams of the potential conversation between the dealer and the officer.

00:24:31 Day turns to night. Marion begins to day dream about her boss finding out about the money. She starts to panic. Play it coooool, Marion. You have dodged two unnecessary bullets already. Stop creating conflict for yourself! You’re cool girl. Where the fuck are we driving to anyway?!

“LOL I don’t know where I’m driving to!”

00:26:07 Torrential downpours impair Marion’s vision. She pulls over to the Bates Motel. The sign is lit up for Vacancy and no vehicles occupy the lot. Marion chooses this as her destination anyway. Our girl Marion cannot make decisions under pressure.

00:27:56 The office is locked. Marion notices a light emitting from the neighboring house. A man walks past one of the windows. Marion jumps back into her car and starts wailing on the horn. Jesus Christ, Marion, alrightttt.

00:28:37 A man emerges and apologizes. He opens up the office. “12 vacancies, 12 cabins! Your lucky day!” You have to get the fuck out of there, Marion.

00:29:14 Marion signs for a room anyway. Dammit Marion. Do you want to use one of your life lines and ask the audience? Phone a friend? We need an intervention.

00:30:11 The man, Norman Bates, sets her up in room number one. “Because it’s close to the office,” Bates grins.

Hello, Norman Bates

00:30:59 Bates asks Marion to have dinner with him up at the house. Marion accepts. Goddammit Marion. We offered you life lines, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style. Not many other protagonists get that chance!

00:32:03 Marion unpacks her suitcase. Oh nowwwww you feel safe?

00:32:35 Marion overhears voices from the house on the hill. A raspy-voiced woman scolds Norman over the lady he offered dinner to. Norman argues with his mother and returns to Room #1.

00:33:56 Norman brings down tea for Marion. He breaks the news that she’s not allowed to come for dinner. Whew, dodged a bullet with that one. “Well, since you brought tea,” Marion begins, “why don’t we have some in your office.” Christ, Marion.

00:35:31 Marion eats and Norman watches. “You eat like a bird,” Norman compliments. Thanks, Norman?

00:36:10 “My hobby is stuffing things,” Norman offers unprovoked. He tells Marion that his hobby is taxidermy. Marion is fascinated. Christ.

00:37:00 We would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being. She is now flirting with Norman Bates. So the police officer who checks on your safety is ‘out to get you’ but the strange man who ‘stuffs things’ and watches you eat is cool? Arizona is weird, man.

00:37:20 “Do you have any friends to go along with those hobbies?” Marion flirts “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother,” Norman utters under his breath. I’ve ran out of warning flags. I have to walk around and pick them back up just in case I need to throw more into the air.

00:37:31 “Where are you headed?” the strange man asks. “I’m looking for a private island,” Marion answers.

00:37:40 “What are you running away from?”

00:37:45 “Well why do you say that?”

00:38:42 Norman and Marion then discuss his mother. I don’t remember how we got here.

00:39:30 Norman gives Marion the brief history of his mother and the hotel. Her husband convinced her to invest in it but passed away rather gruesomely. “She’s been rather ill since,” Norman delivers.

00:40:52 “See,” Norman concludes, “I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become.” Marion just stares. Come on, Marion, I’ve pick up all my red flags. I’m throwing two more right in your face. You’ve. got. to. leave.

00:40:21 Marion offers her opinion that Norman should put his mother somewhere, like an institution.

00:41:04 Norman is offended. He glares at Marion and defends his mother. By the way, I haven’t seen him blink in about five minutes.

00:42:15 “It’s not… that she’s a maniac,” Norman stutters, “she just goes a little mad sometimes.” His eyes raise to meet Marion. “We all go a little mad sometimes.” His stare travels miles through her.

00:42:36 A grin breaks his face, “Haven’t you?”

00:42:40 Marion shyly answers, “yes. One time. Sometimes one time is enough.”

00:43:01 Norman’s grin holds.

00:43:42 Marion tells Bates that she plans to go back to Arizona tomorrow. She has business she hopes on fixing. She leaves and Norman returns to his office.

00:44:44 He stands unflinching for around 20 seconds then approaches the wall and removes a painting. A tiny peep hole appears. He puts his eye to the oculus and watches Marion undress. Creepy, bro.

00:46:01 He finally leaves the office and returns to the house.

00:46:32 Marion calculates her spendings thus far in the trip. She shakes her head at it and then rips it to shreds.

00:47:07 She enters the bathroom and disrobes to shower.

00:47:32 As she showers, a shadow approaches behind the curtain. A woman rips the divider back and reveals a butcher’s knife. She stabs Marion repeatedly and her blood washes down the drain.

Uh-oh

00:49:08 Gee, no wonder why the Bates Motel isn’t popular. How many stars do you think it got on Expedia?

00:49:55 The camera pans up to the house. “Mother, what’s this blood?” Norman questions, “oh god!”

00:50:05 He rushes down to Room #1. Marion’s death is confirmed. Beside himself, he leaves the room and returns to his office.

00:51:38 He emerges with a mop and bucket. So is this a common occurrence? He’s got supplies on hand. The mop is practically labeled, “blood only.”

00:52:37 Norman begins disposing of the body.

00:52:51 What do you think? 2.5 stars? It’s got a good per-night price and if you don’t insult Mrs. Bates you could make it a second night half price!

00:54:14 Norman wipes down the entire bathroom. Exceptional maid service! Can’t say anything about the customer service though. Call back later.

00:55:38 Oh my god are we still cleaning up the crime scene? Am I supposed to root for Norman Bates because he seems like a pretty nice guy who is above average at cleaning blood out of showers?

00:56:51 Bates puts Marion’s body in her car and finishes up the cleaning. Somehow he has yet to find the $40,000.

00:57:38 He has packed her suitcase, wrapped the body up and even folded her clothes nicely. The $40,000 still sits wrapped in newspaper on the bed stand. He even stole her comb! Dude!!!

00:57:40 HE LEAVES THE ROOM WITH THE ONLY THING LEFT BEING THE MONEY IN THE NEWSPAPER! Can we offer Norman some life lines?

00:58:08 Norman, having chose ‘ask the audience,’ returns to the room to pick up the newspaper. He casually tosses it into the trunk and drives away.

00:59:06 He drives the car into a swamp and ditches it. It sinks.

00:59:37 I don’t get it, man. You’re so detail oriented but when it comes to the weight of a normal newspaper, you’re oblivious. $40,000 of cash is heavy. Newspapers? Typically aren’t that heavy.

01:01:24 Marion’s sister Lila shows up at Marion’s boy toy’s hardware store. She’s looking for Marion. Boy Toy gives about seven different excuses why he wouldn’t know where Marion is. Smooooth.

01:01:50 Marion’s been missing for nearly a week and Lila is concerned.

01:02:16 Another man enters. He introduces himself as Private Investigator Arbogast. “Where is she, Miss Crane?”

01:02:32 PI Arbogast informs them about his case against Marion. “She’s got 40,000 reasons to disappear.”

01:03:55 Arbogast firmly believes she is in the same town as her boy toy. Cue investigation montage!

01:04:36 Montage ends with Arbogast arriving at the Bates Motel.

01:05:03 “Evening,” Norman greets the man, “we have vacancies. Twelve in fact. Twelve cabins, twelve vacancies.”

01:05:50 Arbogast questions Bates about his missing person. He hands Bates a picture but he shakes his head.

01:07:01 Arbogast continues to dig at Bates but Norman keeps his cool. See, Marion, if you took some lessons from the awkward taxidermist, you could have avoided a mother’s rage fit.

01:07:37 Arbogast checks the hotel log and notices an alias similar to Marion’s. Bate chews his gum harder. “Want to take a look at the picture again?” Arbogast offers.

01:07:58 “Oh yeah I do remember her….”

01:08:12 Bates provides the story of his interactions with Marion. Arbogast messes with his psyche. Note to Marion: maybe don’t take lessons from Norman.

01:09:39 Norman mentions that she paid in cash but I wonder if he even got paid. She never checked out and then Bates sank the 40 grand down with the ship.

01:09:41 That’s what I call a sunk cost. I’ll show myself out.

01:10:40 Bates offers to show Arbogast all twelve of the cabins. The Private Investigator is distracted by a figure in the window of the house. Bates tells him that it’s his mother but she is confined. Norman lets slip that his mother interacted with Marion but declines when Arbogast asks for a conversation.

01:13:20 Arbogast drives to a pay phone and reports his findings to Lila. He’s slightly suspicious of the motel.

01:14:30 The orchestra has not stopped once in the entire movie. I think it’s infecting my mind. My entire life will now be narrated by a grand orchestra.

01:14:35 Actually that doesn’t sound all too bad.

01:15:59 Arbogast returns to the Bates Motel but does not find Norman. He investigates and wanders up into the house.

01:16:10 By the way, maybe we should add ‘motels with completely open vacancies’ to the DO NOT ENTER list. Marion had 40 grand and she couldn’t find a better hotel?

01:17:30 Arbogast explores the house. He lingers a little too long at a shadow underneath the door. Mama Bates emerges with her good ole butcher’s knife and murders Arbogast.

01:19:00 Back at the hardware store, Lila and Boy Toy panic over Arbogast’s radio silence. Boy Toy drives up to the Bates Motel to investigate but he returns with nothing.

01:20:38 Boy Toy and Lila decide to see some Doctor. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s got connections to Doctor Loomis. Michael and the Bates family have similar murder techniques anyway.

01:22:55 My bad, turns out the doctor is really a sheriff. I’m bummed. A Bates/Myers crossover film could have been kick ass.

01:23:08 They finally convince the sheriff to call Norman Bates’ telephone. Bates answers.

01:23:36 Norman tells the sheriff that the Private Investigator came and went. Lila pries that Arbogast called and said he was returning to speak with Mama Bates.

01:23:59 The Sheriff snickers. “M’aam, Mrs. Bates has been dead for the last eight years.” Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

01:24:03 Oh what? Come on, grand orchestra, you can’t give me that?

01:24:30 Sheriff tells them about the murder-suicide between her and the lover. The sheriff’s interest is peaked when Boy Toy mentions seeing an old women sitting in the window of the house.

01:25:55 Norman Bates puts down the phone receiver. He climbs the stairs and enters his mom’s bedroom. A woman’s voice projects from the room and converses with Bates. He threatens to carry her out of her room and he does. False alarm guys, Norman Bates is only moderately insane..

01:28:33 Lila and Boy Toy construct a plan: they will go to the Bates Motel and register as husband and wife to investigate on their own.

01:29:44 They meet Norman and receive a room. Busy week for the Bates Motel! They must be getting some good reviews on Trip Advisor!

01:31:05 Bates gave the couple Room #10. Unless he has other peep holes, Bates subconsciously admits that he’s not all that interested in Marion’s sister. Lila is insulted! But not really.

01:32:48 Lila and Boy Toy sneak into Room #1 while Bates is AWOL. They search the place high and low but, gosh darn it, that Norman Bates is one hell of a maid!

01:33:54 Lila finds a shard of paper that Marion shredded. It is the decisive shard as well; it has most of the ‘$40,000’ figure written on it. What a find!

01:34:52 Mama Bates fires Norman from maid duties.

01:35:09 Boy Toy finds Norman in his office and distracts him while Lila climbs up to the house.

01:36:02 Lila finds the front door left opened and she enters.

01:36:31 Boy Toy does some seducing on Norman Bates to keep his attention away from the intruder. Be careful, Boy Toy, I hear Norman is into some kinky stuff.

01:37:26 Lila invades Mama Bates’ bedroom. She notices the natural imprint of a sleeping body in the mattress.

01:38:58 Lila investigates further. She enters the adjacent room and finds a much smaller cot and a bunch of stuffed animals.

01:39:41 Awww fuck. I just figured it all out. Fuckkkkkk.

01:40:02 Boy Toy drops the buzz word “40 grand” and Norman freaks. He takes a heavy object and knocks Boy Toy out cold.

01:40:49 Lila hides and Norman rushes back into the house. She sneaks down into the cellar and finds a woman sitting in the corner.

01:41:09 “Mrs. Bates?” Lila approaches, “Mrs. Bates?” She touches the woman’s shoulder and spins her around. Mama Bates’ eye sockets are empty and she’s been motherfucking taxidermied. What the fucking fuck, Norman!?

01:41:25 Lila screams and turns around. Norman Bates is in the doorway dressed as his mother with his butcher’s knife held high.

01:41:32 Mrs. Norman Bates charges but he is restrained by SUPERMAN BOY TOY. Whatta hero!

01:42:05 Lila and Boy Toy end up in the police station. A psychiatrist is interrogating Bates. No more than 20 seconds pass and the psychiatrist bursts through the door like he’s goddamn Kramer. “Oh I’ve got the story alright!” the psychiatrist brags. He pauses and glares around the room for dramatic effect. Okay, dude, you’re a psychiatrist. Stop trying to withhold information like a teenager with juicy new gossip.

01:42:10 “And I got it….” sigh, “from his mother!” Dun dun dunnnnn. Oh wait. We already knew about that. That’s totally yesterday’s news, man. Go back over to the nerdddsss table.

01:42:32 “See,” the psychiatrist continues, “his mother no longer exists. She only half exists within him. But now, the other half has taken over…” pauses again, “probably for all time.” When did fucking Socrates show up to the party?

01:42:40 “Did he kill my sister?” asks Lila.

01:42:42 “Yes…” the psychiatrist finally gives a straight answer… “and no!” Le sigh. We were so close.

01:43:03 Confusion. Lila speaks. “But then my sister is…”

01:43:05 “Yup, dead.” Wow, thanks for beating us around the bush, Plato.

01:43:44 Okay, I’m done with this guy. He’s doing a monologue like he battled fucking dragons and a swarm of zombies to speak to Norman Bates. He continues on to tell us that Norman killed both his mother and his step father and probably killed many other motel residents. But he does it in the most asshole way imaginable.

01:45:05 Come on, man. We’re at the hour forty-five mark. Stop stretching this ‘Norman Bates isn’t a real boy’ conclusion out for five fucking minutes.

01:45:21 “…so he assumed that she was jealous of him. Therefore, a strong attraction to another woman would cause the mother side of him to go wild….” Lila falls asleep and Boy Toy finds a new woman to cheat on his wife with.

01:45:33 “… when he met your sister, he was touched by her, aroused by her. That’s what set off the jealous mother and the mother kills the girl…” the police officers solve 16 additional cold cases in the time of this asshole’s undeserved monologue.

01:45:40 “… and like a dutiful son, he cleaned up the crime that he was convinced his mother convicted…” When this monologue started this movie was a silent talkie.

01:46:14 “… but he was doing everything he could to keep the illusion of his mother being alive…” When this monologue started, the Romans occupied all twelve rooms of the Bates Motel.

01:46:31 “… he’d walk around the house, sit in her chair, speak in her voice…” When this monologue started, Mrs. Bates actually existed.

01:46:52 “… and that’s what I meant when I said I got the story from his mother.” Holy cow, are you finally finished!?

01:46:47 “…..” asshole stares around the room at the bored-to-death people in the room. “See, when the mind believes…” fuckkkkkkk!

01:47:04 “What about the $40,000?” someone finally asks. “Oh it’s lost in the swamp.” Alright, that’s all we need to know. Let’s wrap up the movi…

01:47:07 “… see, Mrs. Bates is about passion, not profit…” I’m pretty sure Norman Bates could have been tried in front of a jury in the time this asshole monologued.

01:48:01 Marion’s car is fished out of the swamp and that nice old Cowboy gets to buy his $40,000 home! All’s well that ends well!

End

That’s a wrap on Psycho. Norman Bates could be a sick crossover film with Michael Myers. Or he can even soothsay for Jason Voorhees. Can we build the slasher Avengers?

Basically if Marion doesn’t rob the client then have a complete breakdown of her common sense, this movie doesn’t happen.

Worse, Marion could have saved me from the psychiatrists monologue. That was rather selfish of you, Marion.

Sources

• Psycho. Dir. Alfred Hitchcock. Perf. Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh. Shamley Productions, 1960.
• Cover Image