00:00:00 Teenagers learn some valuable lessons about stranger danger. Wait, haven’t we done this before? Yes but now we have a sequel because apparently nobody learned anything!
Welcome to Scream 2. Directed by Wes Craven and guess what? We’re still in the 90’s! Released in 1997 and starring pretty much the same cast as the original (minus Matthew Lillard and Billy [or Bobby or whatever] and Drew Barrymore because they all died!) Anyway, we’re going even more meta than you can imagine! The events from Scream are being turned into a major motion picture and this is what Scream 2 is based on. Your mind is turned inside out, isn’t it? Don’t worry, Craven doesn’t throw you into any wormholes or 5th dimensions (shout out to Interstellar and being current-event-relatable!) I pray I don’t wind up at 15 pages again in this write up. That’ll be just a bitch to edit. (Editor’s Note: FUCKKK)
Okay, Horror Holiday presents Scream 2.
00:00:31 We open at the “Stab!” premiere! So “Stab!” is the movie based on the book that Monica (from Friends!) wrote about the events in Scream. Now she’s profiting off the deaths of high school kids. Classy!
00:00:44 Oh look! It’s Jada Pinkett Smith! Craven seems to be creating a trend of introducing A-list actors within the first minutes just to set them up for a brutal massacre. Nice!
00:00:56 This movie theater has gone all out with the aesthetics. They have a Ghost Face Killah wacky inflatable tube man hanging from the entrance and the theater employees are handing out complementary Ghost Face Killah masks. This isn’t the premiere of fucking Psycho, guys! You’re blowing your yearly theater budget on a glorified slasher flick!
00:01:01 Smith doesn’t want to see a bunch of white girls get, “fucked up.” She’d rather see the new Sandra Bullock film, “playing down the street.” Does this theater only have one screen?? And they chose to play “Stab!”?!
00:01:23 Her boyfriend does want to watch white girls get fucked up. So it’s settled, I guess.
00:01:44 Smith and boyfriend walk into the theater and it’s packed with teenagers wearing Ghost Face Killah masks and slashing each other with fake knives. It’s a goddamn mad house.
00:01:56 Is this Wes Craven bragging about the success of his original Scream? I mean, sure, it was good and I enjoyed it but you’re not this massive icon now. I’m pretty sure that if you walked into a 1997 theater for Scream 2, you wouldn’t see a bunch of people in masks pretending to stab each other and getting hyped to watch white girls ‘get fucked up’.
00:02:05 Also teenagers are just the worst.
00:02:32 The theater has “Stab-O-Vision” too, which is basically just a black light. I guess the theater employees can kiss away the Christmas party because that budget is shot to shit.
00:22:42 Begin “Stab!”
00:02:54 Oh look, they recast Drew Barrymore for “Stab!”
00:03:10 Oh wait, that’s just Heather Graham. Everyone resume your normal activities.
00:03:50 The opening to “Stab!” is a cut-to-cut replica of Drew Barrymore’s death scene. I don’t know how this is possible because the police proved totally inept at locking down that crime scene in Scream. How could they know what happened? I mean, for fuck sake it took them half the movie to uncover the phone records! And they spent the critical 48 hours after Barrymore’s murder hanging around outside her high school for god knows why! All I’m saying is, I’m onto you, Wes Craven.
00:03:55 The phone rings, Graham answers. I BET YOU MISSED THESE!!
00:04:12 “Hang the phone up and *69 his ass!” Smith shouts at the theater screen. THANK YOU, JADA PINKETT SMITH! We had to sit through nearly two hours of this shit last time!
00:04:50 Scene continues and it’s written even worse than the original dialogue with Barrymore. Smith grows bored and goes to buy popcorn.
00:05:55 Upon returning, her boyfriend pops out of a broom closet and scares her. Booo!
00:06:47 Smith returns to the theater and the Graham scene is still going on. How many pages did I write for that scene last time? Just way too much to mock. Boyfriend decides to run to the bathroom quick. Neither of these characters are paying too much attention to this movie.
00:07:20 Oh and if you were curious, Graham did make popcorn on the stove. I actually wish they left that part out.
00:07:52 With the urinals occupied, boyfriend chooses a stall. He notices some sexual noises coming from his neighbor so, for some reason, he puts his ear up to get some free porn action. That’s when GHOST FACE KILLAH STABS HIM THROUGH HIS MOTHERFUCKING EAR! We have made contact!!!!!
00:09:21 Smith continues to watch this hour long opening scene. The boyfriend (?) returns wearing his Ghost Face Killah mask. Smith thinks nothing of it. She wraps her arm around him as they both watch Graham get stabbed. How romantic.
00:10:06 Smith slowly pulls her hand back from behind the boyfriend’s coat and notices blood from his jacket. She peers over to him and GHOST FACE KILLAH reveals a knife and stabs her. Man, this theater really goes all out for their premieres!
00:10:47 Smith staggers away but Ghost Face Killah follows her, stabbing her with every step.
00:11:18 He finally releases her about thirty stab wounds deep. She stumbles to the screen stage and screams. Then Smith falls and dies. Hey! The teenagers finally stopped celebrating! Hopefully the theater left enough in their budget for the impending lawsuits!
00:12:07 We’re at college! The phone rings, awakening Sidney. She answers. “Hello, Sidney. What’s your favorite scary movie?”
“Who is this?”
“You tell me…”
Sidney picks up her caller ID box. “Corey Gillis. 513-555-0176.”
“Fuck!”
“Gotcha, bitch!”
*Gillis hangs up*
Oh how much caller ID could have changed the original film.
00:13:13 Sidney tells her roommate that the calls are because of the opening weekend of “Stab!”
00:14:37 Sidney and roommate watch the news as the report of the theater deaths roll in. And woahhh guess the murderer wore a “Stab!” themed mask? As long as the theater wasn’t handing out complimentary masks all night, it should be no problem finding the assailant. Oh wait.
00:15:09 As soon as Sidney sees the reports, she basically goes, “oh shit.” Not for the victims though, but because she knows that a shit storm of media is about to land on her front step. I guess we are continuing the trend of the media reporting nothing from crime scenes and everything from the campus of high school or colleges? These reporters suck.
00:15:12 “Oh, hey world wide media hanging out at the front door of my dorm!”
00:15:25 We arrive at a classroom where a teacher is discussing the fault of the movie on the actual murders. A student argues against him and… wait… hold the fucking phone. Is that Buffy the motherfucking Vampire Slayer?!
00:15:27 IT IS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! Okay, stop the investigation now. Buffy’s got this.
00:15:40 The debate continues and holy shit! They got Timothy Olyphant too!? Who casted this film and are they a high level producer now??
00:15:56 And LOL Jamie Kennedy is in this class. He gives his opinion but Olyphant rejects his premise. Hellooo? Jamie Kennedy kinda lived through the “Stab!” movie? I think he should be leading this lecture.
00:16:05 “Are you suggesting the killer is trying to create a real life sequel?” asks the professor. By the way, this professor should be ejected from the university because what the fuck even is that question.
00:16:09 Random classmate: “Sequels suck.” THANK YOU.
00:16:41 Now we are in the midst of a full-on debate on if any sequels were better than their predecessor. This professor should be stripped of whatever tenure he has because he has officially lost his class.
00:17:37 Sidney catches up with Jamie Kennedy after class. Kennedy must be a fucking legend or something after living through Scream, flaunting his encyclopedia of horror films and then this recent stabbing. This IS the man you are looking for!
00:17:50 Sidney is worried that the killing has something to do with them but Kennedy is in denial. Come onnn dude, that’s completely out of canon!
00:18:17 Jerry O’Connell shows up and kisses Sidney, is apparently her boyfriend.
00:18:26 Oh and Jerry O’Connell is in this movie. But ehhh, it’s Jerry O’Connell.
00:19:10 Monica shows up on campus with her new news crew. She finishes a call with a movie producer and practically threatens them not to pull “Stab!” from theaters because of recent events. She actually thinks of this as publicity. Soooo Monica has sold her soul for fame, anyone else from the original?
00:20:09 Reporters swarm Monica. The reporter has become the reported!
00:21:06 Sidney rolls up and witnesses Monica speaking to reporters. Sidney seems to have a new entourage. If I were them, I would start thinking twice about my relationship with Sidney post-movie murders. Her last group of friends didn’t have a happy ending.
00:21:43 Some blond sorority bitches cruise up to Sidney and act all snotty as if there wasn’t enough conflict with serial killers on the loose.
00:21:45 Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon reference! Feel free to add Scream 2 to your list!
00:21:55 Oh wait, these sorority girls actually want Sidney to pledge. So that was them being friendly?
00:22:28 Sidney finds Dewey randomly wandering around campus. David Arquette is still as awkward as ever. They sit down to chat about, well, all the shit that’s gone down.
00:23:31 Dewey is sporting the world’s most awkward mustache. Was he going method for this role? Because he wins the award for most awkward character ever.
00:24:19 Dewey tells Sidney to be careful and then limps off. So if Dewey was not an awkward enough character before he now has a horrible limp.
00:25:05 Monica interrupts Sidney for an interview. In classic Monica fashion, she has brought along formerly-accused-for-Sidney’s-mother’s-murder Cotton Weary, who has just been released from prison. Oh what a special reunion!
00:25:35 Sidney calls Monica a bitch and punches her in the face, just like in Scream. At what point does Sidney get charged for assault and battery? Because she is totally of age now.
00:25:53 Cotton complains to Monica that she promised him a 10 minute talk with Sidney to work things out. Oh what a bloody ten minutes those could be!
00:26:19 Monica storms away from Formerly-Accused Cotton and finds Super-Awkward Dewey, who is just standing in a bed of flowers. “Leave her alone,” Dewey says to Monica with complete lack of eye contact and then limps away. Cool, Dewey. Cool.
00:27:12 Monica follows as Dewey spits out descriptions Monica wrote about him in her book. Essentially, it’s about him being super awkward and inexperienced (she’s not wrong). I guess these two never hooked up after their House of Horrors?
00:28:24 Night time and sorority-fraternity mixer event! Wooooo! Sidney has showed up with her roommate, Hallie.
00:28:56 Two sorority sisters approach. “Sidney, you made it! Hi,” one goes, “no, I really mean it. Hi.” So, any other time, you don’t mean it? What does ‘Hi’ even signify that you have to really ‘mean’ it??
00:29:31 Buffy hangs out at the QBZ sorority while the mixer goes down at the frat. She’s watching TV alone while gossiping on the phone. She receives a call on the other line.
00:29:32 “Hello Buffy.”
00:30:00 She believes it’s her boyfriend Ted and that he’s drunk. “Who’s Ted,” says the voice.
00:30:57 They talk a bit but Buffy doesn’t do flirting. “Why do you always answer a question with a question?” she asks.
00:30:49 The conversation ends with, “do you want to die tonight, Buffy?” and the man hangs up the phone. BREAKING NEWS: GHOST FACE KILLAH actually hangs up first! It’s a new game, ladies and gentlemen!
00:31:40 Buffy actually takes the threat seriously and begins dialing campus security. Man, college kids are way smarter than those high school ones!
00:32:01 Buffy can’t get good reception with her cordless phone when calling security but previously had excellent reception with her gossiping friend and Ghost Face Killah. “Can you hear me now?” ruffle ruffle ruffle. “How about now?”
00:32:07 Campus Security hangs up on Buffy, is officially the worst campus security ever.
00:32:45 Buffy runs into one of her sorority sisters in the house. The phone rings and the sister rudely takes the phone from Buffy. “Is Buffy there?”
00:32:47 “Yes she is, who’s calling?” the sister asks as if Buffy wasn’t right next to her this whole time. Ghost Face Killah sneaks through the open front door in the background…
00:32:54 Sorority sister hands the phone to Buffy and leaves and can now be officially accountable for Buffy’s inevitable death.
00:33:19 By the way, I don’t know what Buffy’s afraid of. She’s the goddamn vampire slayer! Unless she hasn’t gotten her powers or training yet. Then, well, she’s 6 degrees of fucked.
00:34:14 Buffy investigates through the house but finds nothing. The phone rings, Buffy answers.
00:34:23 “Hello?” Ghost Face Killah busts through a closet door and attempts to stab Buffy.
00:35:10 After chasing her through the house, Ghost Face Killah stabs and throws Buffy from a balcony.
00:35:38 Guess she didn’t have her Vampire Slayer skills after all.
00:35:45 Meanwhile at the rush event: KEG STANDS!
00:36:42 Sidney is not impressed by the sorority girls recruiting and she disses them right to their faces.
00:37:02 OMG SOMETHING’S HAPPENED AT THE SORORITY HOUSE! Okay, let’s finish this round of shots and then go check it out!!
00:37:23 Police swarm the QBZ sorority house and entire frat houses empty to watch. Media vans park about 10 feet from the victims body and (former officer) Dewey is allowed to stand and watch the crime scene unfold. Worst. Police. Ever.
00:38:24 Monica practically walks up and interviews Buffy’s dead body. “Dead sorority chick, how many times were you stabbed? How did that make you feel? How do you feel about Delta’s chances at the Puff Bowl this year?”
00:38:48 Sidney reenters the frat house to retrieve her jacket. A phone rings in the distance. For some fucking reason, Sidney feels the need to answer. SIDNEY! Just stay the fuck away from phones forever, okay?
00:39:18 Sidney answers. “Hello Sidney.” Sidney’s face blanks. I mean, come on girl. Who did you expect to be on the other line at this point?
00:39:38 Sidney hangs up the phone and turns to find GHOST FACE KILLAH wielding a knife. He lunges towards her but proves that this edition of Ghost Face Killah is just as inept at killing as the previous two.
00:39:58 He chases her through the frat house and barrels into a couch. Like, he full-on barrels through the couch and practically knocks himself out cold. Ghost Face Killah’s are the least athletic and efficient serial killers of all time.
00:40:03 Sidney escapes and finds her boyfriend in the backyard. He rushes in to bounce Ghost Face Killah from his goddamn frat house. WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?!
00:40:14 Dewey also shows up in a full speed limp sprint. It just looks like the super awkwardliest.
00:40:28 Dewey investigates and finds boyfriend Jerry on the ground with his arm bloodied. He ventures past to find the two sorority girls from earlier at the front door. No sign of Ghost Face Killah.
00:41:21 Sidney and friends spend the night at the hospital. Jerry gets his arm patched.
00:42:15 Olyphant chats with Sidney and questions why Jerry went back into the frat house anyway. Sidney appears skeptical.
00:42:32 Meanwhile Jerry is questioned by the police. “Why did you go back in the house anyway?” It appears everyone is on the same page here. Either Jerry is associated with the murderer or he’s just a fucking idiot.
00:43:52 Back at the police station, the chief writes the victim’s names on the black board. That’s when you know shit’s serious!!
00:43:58 Monica strolls in (because I guess she can do that?), takes the chalk away from the chief (because I guess she can fucking do that??) and underlines the three names. Their last names correlate with the victims from Scream. Dun dun dunnnn.
00:44:30 Sidney walks through campus with her boyfriend and a security dispatch of two detectives. She expresses her skepticism about Jerry’s alibi.
00:45:24 Sidney practically breaks up with Jerry, who refuses to let go. Off camera, Jerry goes home and eats a tub of ice cream while watching Sleepless in Seattle.
00:45:46 I apologize if this write up has been choppy thus far. There are a lot of scenes that really have nothing to do with advancing our plot. So to summarize: there’s a copy cat killer and he’s seeking out Sidney. There it is. We’re 45 minutes in. Other than that, we basically have the same cast and those who died in the previous film have been recasted and written exactly the same.
00:45:52 Dewey walks Monica out of the police station. She asks for his help. “I’m only here to help Sid,” he says then heroically limps off. Dewey, the awkward hero we deserve but not the one we need right now.
00:48:09 The entourage eats lunch and Jerry suddenly breaks out singing, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” ala Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He begins jumping from table to table as the entire cafeteria claps melodically. Really, we have time for this??
00:49:55 Apparently it wins Sidney back and the cafeteria cheers. This is more ridiculous than people not checking their caller ID’s. Why the fuck did I just watch this scene?
00:50:11 Jamie Kennedy and Dewey grab coffee together and watch the news play a clip from “Stab!” Kennedy complains how they didn’t cast anyone good for his role but Dewey got David Schwimmer. I think Kennedy actually lucked out with that one.
00:50:51 Oh look, they got Luke Wilson to play Billy, the psycho killer!
00:51:33 Holy shit. Jamie fucking Kennedy is about to drop the rules for horror movie sequels. Hold onto your fucking faces.
Rule Number One: The body count is always bigger. (Fuck does that mean this commentary is about to hit a ridiculous amount of pages? Probably, yes.)
Rule Number Two: The death scenes must be much more elaborate. More guts, more gore.
Rule Number Three: If you want your sequel to become a franchise, never ever…
“How do you catch the killer, that’s what I want to know,” Dewey interrupts. Goddamit, Dewey!
00:52:25 Kennedy and Dewey discuss the suspects. Dewey labels Kennedy as a suspect. Hence, Kennedy labels Dewey as a suspect. Touche. We move onwards.
00:52:49 Now they’re discussing race and serial killers. “Most are white males,” Dewey states. This allows me to time to note something about Scream 2. In Scream, there were no African-Americans cast. Zero. In Scream 2, at least a third of the cast is African-American. I don’t know if Craven got chewed out by the film distributor about diversity or he just casted based on that line about most serial killers being white. I don’t know. I can’t vouch for anything but somebody may be racist.
00:53:48 Now Kennedy has laid out Monica as a suspect but Dewey rejects the premise. “Well if she’s not the killer then she’s a potential victim,” Kennedy concludes.
00:55:10 Monica’s African-American camera man is concerned about his safety. “I read your damn book,” he says, “your last camera man didn’t fucking make it. And brothers don’t last long in these situations.” Monica tells him to stop being a fucking bitch and do his job. Monica for boss of the year!
00:57:03 Sidney discusses dropping her major with her theatre studies professor. He talks her out of it though.
00:57:53 Sidney, who is the lead I guess, rehearses her play. It’s some weird ritualistic sacrifice scene. She’s in a red dress as others are hooded. They pretend to stab her. I mean, why would Sidney accept the role in a play that has this type of scene? Doesn’t it bring back flashbacks? Well, Sidney notices one of the hooded figures to have Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Within the rehearsal act, he chases Sidney with a knife, unbeknownst to anyone else in the production.
00:59:29 He grabs her and she screams. As she falls to the ground in peril, Ghost Face Killah escapes. Sidney rushes off stage in tears.
01:00:02 Backstage, Jerry arrives and takes the crown of being at the wrong place at the worst possible time.
01:00:25 Sidney breaks up with Jerry again. So now not only is Jerry’s Top Gun scene completely ridiculous, it is now completely meaningless. Before this scene, the last time we saw Jerry and Sidney was at the cafeteria, when they got back together. If we cut that cafeteria scene the movie would be literally unaffected. I spent six minutes watching Jerry sing and dance and Scream 2 turn into fucking Glee.
Oh and Jerry just leaves after Sidney breaks up with him. This relationship is fucking awful.
01:01:16 Now Dewey and Kennedy have brought their speculative conversation to Monica. They sit on an outside bench and discuss theories. This is the new Scooby-Doo gang.
01:02:25 Right after they argue if any of themselves are the killers, Monica’s phone rings. Kennedy picks up. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I,” Ghost Face Killah asks.
01:02:51 Kennedy keeps Ghost Face Killah on the line as Dewey and Monica scramble to find a potential onlooker with a cell phone.
01:03:18 Kennedy and Ghost Face Killah discuss their favorite scary movies. This is like the peak of Kennedy’s horror movie watching career right here.
01:04:18 “Why are you even here, Kennedy, you’ll never be the leading man,” GFK taunts.
“Fuck you.” Kennedy shouts into the cell phone.
01:04:45 Monica and Dewey hunt down cell phone operators but can’t find the caller.
01:05:18 Kennedy talks shit about Ghost-Face-Killah-alum Billy while walking past a news van. GFK pops out and pulls Kennedy into the van. They struggle but he eventually kills Kennedy.
01:05:26 NOOOOOOOO!!!!
01:06:27 Monica and Dewey return and find dead Kennedy in the truck. I cried.
01:07:11 Sidney studies at the library and receives an instant message on her computer. “You’re going to die tonight.” Her security guards rush over to investigate. They secure Sidney next to the staircase exit (because I guess that’s considered a safe point?) and survey other computer occupant’s screens.
01:07:38 While Sidney waits, Cotton appears behind the exit. Cotton starts dropping information bombs. Monica promised him an interview with Diane Sawyer and Sidney. He wants the exposure and the money that can come with his story. Sidney declines. Cotton becomes threatening. She walks back towards her security details and Cotton follows, speaking louder with every step. The two detectives rush Cotton and arrest him.
01:10:01 The police chief interrogates Cotton back at the station. Dewey and Monica find Sidney there and break the news about Kennedy. She cries as well. We’re all in this together Sid. *sob* We’ll get through this together! *sobs* Someone must continue the horror movie lectures!
01:11:50 The police eventually release Cotton based on a lack of evidence.
01:13:04 The police announce a campus-wide lock down. No students are allowed out of their dorms past a certain hour. But hello, you’ve tried that before. A bunch of high school kids decided to throw a goddamn house party instead and many more were murdered. Are we still not checking caller ID’s? Because we know that’s a thing now; they introduced it within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Check some fucking phone records and tell people to stop picking up calls from unknown numbers. Dammit, you might as well hire Dewey back on the force at this rate!
01:14:09 Monica exits the police station and runs directly into her camera man. He quits on the spot and jumps in a cab. Good call, buddy. Good call.
01:14:27 Monica stands on the sidewalk as Dewey walks out of the station. “I feel bad, Dewey,” Monica admits. Bad?! BAD?! Feeling bad is when your stomach aches or when you misplace a friend’s belongings. Monica is partly responsible for inciting a serial killer that has now taken multiple victims. Some deaths have even been close relations. ‘Bad’ is nowhere near the fucking word to describe how she should feel.
01:15:21 Dewey accepts her apology for some reason. I guess the power of boners win out once again. Fucking hell.
01:16:30 Dewey and Monica head to the School of Film building to find a VCR to play the footage that her recently-departed camera man took. Seriously, does no one own a VCR that you had to break into the School of Film building after dark?
01:16:57 Dewey and Monica have a cutesy butting heads moment while trying to insert the tape into the VCR. Does any horror movie know how to portray an actual romantic relationship??
01:17:08 By the way, I’m still upset they have already killed off Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jamie Kennedy. That’s bullshit.
01:17:46 They flirt further as they watch their argument from earlier in the movie. Apparently the camera guy has taped fucking everything we’ve seen in the movie so far. That’s weird, dude.
01:18:04 Because we apparently have nothing more important to do, Monica and Dewey begin making out. I mean, what the fuck?
01:18:35 Their make out session is interrupted by a second television turning on and projecting new footage. It’s Buffy talking on the phone at the sorority house. The footage jumps. We watch Jamie Kennedy wandering around the courtyard as the camera films from within the news van.
01:18:51 The feed jumps once more. It’s footage of Monica and Dewey watching the tapes in the School of Film lecture hall: LIVE EDITION.
01:19:02 They turn around and see Ghost Face Killah watching from the projector room. Dewey rushes up but finds it unoccupied. GFK then appears behind Monica. She’s chased down into the hallways. She escapes into an audio recording studio and locks the doors. GFK shows up and she hides.
01:21:40 In the midst of their little game of hide and seek, Dewey stumbles in. He starts pounding on a window which Monica is on the opposite side of. But because this is an audio studio, Monica can’t hear noise on the other side. While her back is turned, Ghost Face Killah rushes Dewey and stabs him in the back.
01:22:44 GFK then attempts to break through the glass but, by golly, nothing can break through this window!
01:23:20 Finally given up, Ghost Face Killah leaves.
01:23:54 The security detail helps Sidney carry her luggage from her dorm. She’s being escorted off campus which is actually a good goddamn plan at this point. Jerry is there to see her off. Awww (but not really).
01:24:56 After the police escort drives off, members of Jerry’s frat swarm and carry him off because he gave away his fraternity letters to Sidney or something.
01:25:33 At the frat, they tie Jerry to a star thing and pour beer on him. Cool, I guess.
01:26:19 Meanwhile, the police escort stops at a red light. Sidney and her roommate Hallie sit in the back seat. Ghost Face Killah appears, breaks the driver’s window and slashes the detective’s throat. So much for security; one red light and all awareness drops to zero.
01:26:32 GFK climbs on top of the car and grabs the other detective. He rams his head against the vehicle and throws him out. GFK takes the drivers seat and is about to peel off when the living detective pulls his gun. GFK rams the detective anyway.
01:27:14 Detective holds onto the hood as GFK attempts to hit every single obstacle on the road. He finally hits some road construction and crashes the vehicle, killing the detective immediately.
01:27:50 Sidney and Hallie recover in the back seat but Ghost Face Killah is knocked out cold. Most inefficient movie serial killer ever.
01:28:07 So anyway, Sidney and Hallie are child locked in the backseat. They notice a newly gaping hole in the divider screen between the front and back seat and Sidney climbs through.
01:29:21 As she’s climbing over an unconscious Ghost Face Killah to escape, curiosity gets the best of her and she tries to unmask the killer. She is distracted though when her butt accidentally honks the car’s horn.
01:30:09 She jumps back, startled, and tries again, this time escaping without unmasking the killer. Sidney attempts to free Hallie but I guess the child safety locks don’t allow anyone to leave or enter.
01:31:05 Hallie escapes as well and they run away. Sighhh. Your killer is unconscious. You both are not unconscious. Take him down now!!
01:31:18 They run about 30 feet before Sidney stops and tells her roommate that she must know who the killer is. Yes! Good Sidney!
01:31:20 Hallie refuses to go back. They start arguing. Sigh.
01:31:41 Sidney finally decides to unmask Ghost Face Killah. She approaches the car but GFK is missing. Maybe y’all shouldn’t have argued over your decision for so long.
01:32:01 Somehow, GFK ends up behind Hallie. He jumps out from behind a corner and stabs her. I mean, for Ghost Face Killah’s ineptitude and unathletic ability, he’s got some stellar recovery times when it comes to being knocked out cold, being kicked in the balls and having his knees buckled out from under him.
01:32:12 Sidney watches as her roommate is murdered. Then she runs away.
01:32:38 Monica finally exits the audio studio to find Cotton leaving the room that Dewey was stabbed. Blood covers his hands and arms. Monica runs. Everyone is just in the wrong place at the worst possible time in this series.
01:33:45 Music begins playing from the School of Film stage. Sidney runs back onto campus and, hearing the music, runs into the building. Ummm. Fucking why??
01:34:26 Sidney runs onto the stage and the music stops. A spotlight beams onto her. The light then glides over to a shirt hanging from a stage tree. The light dissolves.
01:35:13 The giant star which Jerry was tied to is dropped from the ceiling. He is bound and gagged. Sidney attempts to untie Jerry but GHOST FACE KILLAH MAKES HIS GRAND ENTRANCE.
01:36:11 Ghost Face Killah unmasks himself and it’s Timothy Olyphant.
01:36:12 Ummmm let’s take a beat here. Okay, Timothy Olyphant has pretty much played the same character description as Matthew Lillard in the original: creepy, strange jerk. But Olyphant has been absent from the film since Jerry’s Top Gun routine. That was an hour ago. And since I have deleted that scene in my mind, Olyphant has not been seen in Scream 2 since Jerry was in the hospital. Seriously?? This guy is your killer?? He’s been completely AWOL! His only semblance of actual dialogue was during their classroom debate about sequels. That was at the beginning of the movie! This isn’t some Anthony Hopkins Silence of the Lambs 13 minutes of screen time shit. Olyphant has been utterly forgettable and, if his career hadn’t skyrocketed a near decade after this film was released, I probably would have forgotten who the fuck his character was. For fuck’s sake, they could have revealed Ghost Face Killah to be Matthew Lillard again and I’d feel the same way I feel now: cheated.
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01:36:30 “Since Jerry went missing on my ass, I’ve been working alone all night,” Olyphant accuses of Jerry. Sidney stares at Olyphant. “Come on Sid, I have to have had a partner. I couldn’t have done this all alone.”
01:36:49 “Sidney, he’s lying,” Jerry pleas. Sidney backs away.
01:37:03 Jerry turns his attention to Olyphant. “Fuck you! I’m going to fucking kill you, you lying piece of shit. Fuck you!”
01:37:14 Olyphant pulls a gun and shoots Jerry through the chest.
01:37:15 Damn, has Sidney had a rough stretch of boyfriends.
01:37:57 “You should really work on your trust issues, Sid,” Olyphant taunts. He then goes on to lecture her about how great of a guy Jerry was. For Christ’s sake, dude, if you liked him so much maybe you should have just dated him.
01:38:31 Olyphant then tells Sidney he plans to get caught. He’s gonna go to trial and plead that the “Stab!” movies made him do it. For some reason, he thinks that’ll hold up. Maybe he should have taken less film classes and added a basic law elective because there’s no fucking way a jury would rule in his favor because a, “movie inspired him.”
01:38:40 Oh. Now we’re being lectured about cinema violence and society. You’re a strike away from joining Spock and douchebag psychiatrist from Psycho in the Lecturing Asshole Hall of Shame, Olyphant.
01:38:46 “It’s airtight, Sid,” says Olyphant about his entirely not-airtight plan.
01:39:25 Sidney is able to disarm Olyphant. They struggle for a bit but he reclaims the gun. Suddenly, the star to which Jerry is tied to begins to rise. Sidney looks around wildly. “I told you I had a partner, Sid.”
01:40:24 From a side door, Monica appears but she is being held by gun point by some lady. Some lady that I’ve never FUCKING SEEN BEFORE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?
01:40:29 “Hello, Billy’s mother!” Olyphant screams to the skies. Fuck everything. Fuck everything! Hold the motherfucking phones. ALL OF THE FUCKING PHONES! This is some bullshit. This is Billy’s mother’s introduction to the film series. She never appeared in the original. She never saw a second of screen time in Scream 2 up till now. Fucking hell, they could have walked Christopher fucking Walken out that door and it’d have made as much sense. Fuck.
01:40:33 “Nice twist huh,” Olyphant giggles, “didn’t see it coming.” Nobody saw this fucking coming because it doesn’t make any sense! It’s less of a twist and more of a WHERE DID THIS FUCKING COME FROM, MOTHERFUCKING ASGARD!?
01:40:45 “I’ve seen pictures of you,” Monica reasons, “you don’t look anything like your pictures.”
“I lost weight and got plastic surgery,” Billy’s mother says.
Fuck you, movie. You can’t try to defend yourself here. This is bullshit. You not only pulled a fucking zebra out of your hat, you gave that zebra a facelift and lap band until it became a fucking chipmunk. That’s not fucking allowed!!!
01:40:57 Wait. The twist isn’t over. This has all occurred within one movie minute. This has to be the worst fucking minute in movie history. Olyphant just said he needed Billy’s mother for funding. “I need to pay tuition somehow.” What the fuck? Did Olyphant just come to this college to do this stunt? He couldn’t have planned any other way to do this? And Billy’s mother thought putting some random fucking psychopath through college was a worthy step to their plan to kill Sidney and a bunch of other random people who weren’t involved in anyway??
Wait. Why did they need to kill the couple at the movie theater anyway!? That had nothing to do with anything!!!
01:41:10 Wait. So much bullshit is being spewed at a mile a minute here. Billy’s mom just said that she found Olyphant on a ‘serial killer message board.’ “There’s only 95 active serial killers in the country so Olyphant was quite a find.”
Are you fucking with me?? There’s 95 active serial killers and they post on a message board and YOU, Billy’s motherfucking mom, found and recruited one?! How is this even possible?? The police have not been able to find this ‘message board’ but you were able to not only find it but CONTACT ONE OF THEM?!
My mind’s about to explode. We’re on minute two of the most idiotic movie twist ever. I’m afraid to press play on my DVD player as I know, within the next 15 seconds, someone else is going to do something ridiculous.
01:41:25 Right on cue. 15 fucking seconds later. Billy’s mom shoots Olyphant. WHAT?!
01:41:33 Olyphant’s finger then twitches and shoots Monica in the abdomen. She falls beneath the stage. This is stupid.
01:41:47 “Two birds, one stone,” Billy’s mom cackles. Suck a dick.
01:42:06 Billy’s mom turns her firearm to Sidney. She monologues that Olyphant was insane but she’s not (questionable). Her motives are not, “90’s themed,” (what??) she’s interested in some, “old fashioned revenge. You killed my son.” Ummm yeah but he killed everyone else and you kinda abandoned him after your husband cheated on you with Sidney’s mom sooooo who’s the bad guy now?
01:42:55 Billy’s mom continues to monologue about her plan to set Sidney up. Sidney practically yawns; this whole ‘setting her up for murder’ thing isn’t new, Mrs. Billy’s Mom.
01:43:29 Scream 2 is totally trying to pull a whole Mrs. Voorhees thing and it’s just awful. Didn’t they see Friday the 13th and realize how stupid it was??
01:44:00 Billy’s mom’s monologue drones on until Sidney interrupts. “Isn’t Olyphant supposed to be dead?” Billy’s mom (stupidly) turns around to look at a still-dead Olyphant. Sidney breaks a bottle over her head and barricades herself behind the stage’s set design. Billy’s mom begins shooting.
01:44:27 Sidney find an emergency ax and begins hacking at wires. Stage lights fall all around Billy’s mom.
01:45:35 Billy’s mom tries to escape the chaos by climbing up a prop rock wall but Sidney cuts another wire and prop rocks fall on her. Billy’s mom becomes buried under prop rocks. This is also stupid. These aren’t real rocks, are they? This play didn’t decide, ‘HEY! forget fake prop rocks. We need two dozen stone rocks for this set design.’ No, those are not real rocks, Mrs. Billy’s Mom. You’re not going to get buried underneath them.
01:46:00 Sidney attempts to flee but Billy’s mom has escaped a bunch of paper machete rocks (wooo big deal) and attacks Sidney.
01:46:34 Billy’s mom has Sidney pinned and about to stab her when Cotton appears with a gun. “Don’t fucking move.”
01:47:17 Billy’s mom holds Sidney hostage by knife point while Cotton points his gun at them. They go over the summary of what the fuck is going on.
01:48:10 Okay. Somehow, amongst the details of this current shit show, Billy’s mom has convinced Cotton to turn the gun towards Sidney. So now both of them want to kill Sidney. What??
01:48:42 “I bet that Diane Sawyer interview is looking real good right now, right Sid?” Cotton bargains.
“Consider it done,” Sidney accepts.
Cotton shoots Billy’s mom. Fuck this movie.
01:49:51 Cotton and Sidney retrieve Monica from underneath the stage. Then Timothy fucking Olyphant pops up and goes BOOOOO and then Sidney shoots him a half million times. My brain has officially collapsed.
01:51:41 The next morning, paramedics bring Dewey out of the School of Film. I guess he lived from bleeding out over night? They take him away in an ambulance.
01:52:36 Reporters swarm Sidney but she refers them to Cotton, “the true hero.” Um excuse me?? Multiple people are dead and the killer’s intentions make zero sense. THERE’S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER MESSAGE BOARD SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET AND IT’S APPARENTLY FAIRLY EASY TO CONTACT THEM. There are no heros at the end of this. There are only the victims and the fucking psychopaths who killed them.
01:52:49 Cotton gives the reporters his business card and tells them he’ll negotiate a price for his story. What the fuck does he have on the business card? “Convict who was formerly accused of Serial Killing but totallyyyyy not a Serial Killer now”? And did this douche bag just try to profit off a bunch of teenage murders? What even is this?! THEY KILLED JAMIE KENNEDY!!!
01:53:09 Sidney walks around campus as the camera pans out and popular music softly plays.
END CREDITS
I’m glad Jamie Kennedy wasn’t around to see the end of this; he would have been as pissed off as I am. This is my concern with covering sequels: they may be fucking awful.
I thoroughly enjoyed Scream; it was a lot of fun to cover. Scream 2 was god awful. I don’t even know how this third act made it past rewrites. Did they really think it was cool to make Billy’s mom, a character who previously never saw the light of day, the serial killer? No, wait. Scratch that because that statement is wrong. Billy’s mom was not even the serial killer. She was the serial killer’s wallet. For what though? So Olyphant could go to college and then try to kill Sidney? Did he even have to be in college to attempt to ineffectively kill Sidney? And why kill anyone else? If anything, his murdering antics tipped Sidney off thus making it more difficult to kill her.
The only reasoning I can draw from having Billy’s mom be the murderer is as a homage to Friday the 13th but it was totally not worth it.
I don’t know. I guess we’ll cover Scream 3 at some point but it may be a while. There are dozens of better horror movies than this one.
And goddammit. Scream 2 is now the holder for longest movie write up at 7,321 words and 18 pages. I can only blame myself for that one.
Sources
- Scream 2. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1997.
- Cover Image
Horror Holiday 
Awesome rundown! I enjoyed this more than the Wes Craven commentary!
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haha thanks Sarah! I really like your blog! You’ve got yourself a new follower!
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Thanks! Ditto, so do you! Really enjoy reading your writing 😀
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