00:00:00 I don’t really know too much about this movie except that it’s good and it’s kind of meta. So with that, let’s get under way!
Horror Holiday presents You’re Next!
00:00:01 I also read that the screenwriter of this movie, Simon Barrett, also co-wrote a film called V/H/S about burglars breaking into a house to find sadistic tapes of the home owners brutal serial killing. That sounds hilarious and amazing. Is my humor too dark? Anyway, the movie’s starting now.
00:01:02 We fade in, like any good horror movie, to a sex scene! Can’t make a horror film without the obligatory sex scene. They finish and the man leaves to shower. The woman puts on some clothes and wanders out of the room. We’re officially putting her odds of survival within these next five minutes at (+350). Bet at your own risk.
00:02:09 She enters the kitchen, partly nude. Partial nudity increases the odds of her death, unfortunately. We got a POV from outside the house, in the woods, watching her. Long time, no see, Mrs. Voorhees!
00:02:20 She senses something; the unusual feeling of being watched. She opens the sliding glass door and peers out but nothing. She resumes her normal Tuesday activities, which happen to be blasting loud music throughout her house and drinking whiskey on the rocks.
00:03:37 The man continues to shower. He finally exits and takes a swig from an unoccupied whiskey glass. Ew dude, you don’t know where that’s been!
00:04:01 He glances over his shoulder, out the window and into the woods. He senses something strange as well. Man, this couple have some kick ass sixth sense because I can guarantee, as a regular horror viewer, shit’s about to go down! It’s just too bad they’re about to die and they couldn’t have used their sixth sense for, like, good and all.
00:04:17 The man strides over to the glass balcony door. In blood, “You’re Next” is streaked across. Beyond the glass, laying on the balcony is his wife, girlfriend, or prostitute. He slowly backs away but is struck by an intruder equipped with an animal farm mask. The intruder takes his machete and slices his victim.
I know that he’s a serial killer and all with a sadistic sense of fashion, but he’s really pretty cocky about calling out his next victim. “Pfff you’re next, bro. No, no, I promise, you are next. There’s a list and it must be done in chronological order.”
00:05:00 We transition to day, a Jeep Patriot drives down a desolate, country road. A couple ride in the vehicle. They gossip about neighbors.
“You hear Tommy from down the street is addicted to heroin now?”
“That’s nice, honey.”
00:05:57 The vehicle comes to a stop in front of a lovely brick house. They unpack and the man goes to unlock the door. “That’s funny,” he pauses, “it’s already open.”
00:06:37 They enter. Furniture is draped in white sheets so it appears that this is a vacation home of sorts. The man takes one look around the entry way. “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here,” he shrugs. Man, if only the couple from earlier could transfer their sixth sense to others.
00:07:03 Another car rides along windy roads, nighttime. A bearded man and a pretty woman sit in the front seats. The woman asks about the bearded man’s father. The man admits that his dad is retired from a defense contractor, KPG.
“Why? Is that a problem for you, babe? Having dinner with fascists?”
“No, no,” the woman laughs.
00:07:59 The woman’s name is Erin. They haven’t mentioned it yet but for the sake of coherency, her name is Erin.
00:08:00 We get a full exterior view of the vacation home and holy shit. This thing is massive and beautiful. Can I be retired from KPG too?
00:08:30 Within the house, the mother finishes cleaning. She’s startled from a thud upstairs. Then her husband abruptly steps in the room, talking about a furnace and shit, only startling her more. Jeez dude, stop giving your wife heart attacks; one jump scare at a time, please.
00:08:38 “You didn’t hear those footsteps upstairs?” The man shakes his head. “Oh no, we have to get out of here!” the wife panics. Wow. I applaud you, ma’am, for being amazing at avoiding horror movies. Oh, a noise that doesn’t belong to me or you? Let’s get the fuck out of here!
00:08:57 “Aubrey, no. You go outside, I’ll check the upstairs,” says her husband, Paul.
00:09:19 She argues but eventually lets him go because she knows that we need at least some conflict and intensity to make this a worthwhile horror movie. Aubrey knows her horror shit.
00:10:17 Paul checks the rooms, one by one, in the slowest and tensest way possible. Paul goes to open a closet door but is startled by his son and guest, Crispian.
“Hey dad!”
“NOT NOW SON, GODDAMNIT!”
00:11:26 Paul and Crispian head downstairs. The camera pans over to the closet door as it creaks open slightly. More guests!!
00:12:07 They go outside to retrieve Crispian’s bawling mother and meet Erin, Crispian’s girlfriend, fiance, or prostitute.
00:13:23 “Your folks seem cool,” Erin later converses with Crispian in their bedroom. “Some people would kill to have parents like yours.” Crispian tells her that the rest of his siblings will be in tomorrow for his parents anniversary.
00:14:22 Aubrey wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders throughout the mansion. Maybe she doesn’t know all the rules to horror…
00:14:51 We get another Mrs. Voorhees POV shot from outside the house, staring in on Aubrey. Nothing happens though. She walks out of the kitchen after her glass of water, shuts the lights off and we arrive at morning.
00:15:41 Crispian wakes up late and his siblings have already met Erin. The brother turns to Crispian. “Good morning. Ever see kangaroos fight?” Then he goes about attempting to sexually assault Crispian like a kangaroo. Good morning indeed.
00:16:44 The brother, Drake, proceeds to gossip about how Crispian used to be fat. Man, this Drake is one hell of a brother!
00:17:33 Erin tries to make nice with her future mother-in-law (always a scary prospect. If they made a whole movie like that, it’d be horrifying!) Aubrey asks if she can see if the neighbor can loan some milk. I feel like I’ve heard that pick up line before but that was in college.
00:18:17 Erin wanders out the back door to find Paul and sons working on some barbecue. She takes their picture and reveals a somewhat British accent. Sorry, Karen Gillan, Sharni Vinson’s giving you some competition now!
00:19:10 Crispian and his father discuss Crispian’s career prospects. Crispian didn’t get a fellowship or something. “Too many applicants,” he adds. Considering he has a beard and could qualify as a hobbit, I’m going to sit here and imagine him being denied for the Fellowship of the Ring.
“Fucking Christ, we already have four hobbits! That’s enough,” – – Gandalf the Grey 2:13
00:19:39 Drake heads upstairs to check on his wife, Kelly. “Where’d your brother find that girl?” Kelly asks of Erin. I don’t know but I’d love to know this information.
00:19:45 “I think she’s kind of annoying.” You shut your mouth when you’re speaking of Erin!
00:19:59 Drake gets touchy feely with Kelly. Apparently kangaroo fighting has really turned him on. Kelly isn’t having it though. Drake stares at her like a serial killer would. Not sure if that’s the best way to get in your wife’s pants, Drake.
00:20:10 He walks away. “We got any vicodin?” Because when stalker eyes don’t work, result to pain killers! What a stud!
00:20:14 Erin wanders down a dirt road towards the neighbors house. Aubrey must have sent her on a half mile walk for this fucking milk. She knocks on the door, music radiates from within the house. We see the CD player repeat the track, over and over again.
“Is anyone home?” Erin calls. The dead man from the beginning sits on the couch, still naked and still dead.
00:21:43 Night again. More siblings arrive with their significant others. Aubrey greets her daughter Aimee and son Felix. She also meets their boyfriends, girlfriends, prostitutes; Tariq and Zee, respectively.
This whole family has handsome, beautiful significant others and I’m over here like, where the fuck are they finding these people? Is it the goddamn KPG?? And why doesn’t anyone have normal names besides Erin!!!
00:22:02 Aubrey welcomes Zee, who greets her with a nod and a toke from her cigarette. First impressions aren’t that important, right?
00:22:54 The new arrivals meet the others in the dining room. Beautiful people galore!! “I just want you all to know,” Aubrey starts, “how wonderful it is for you all to be here on our 35th anniversary.” Fucking wonderful! Your children are all attractive and paired up with other attractive, probably rich people and they’re all here celebrating your successful marriage in your goddamn vacation mansion. Mazel tov. I need a fucking drink.
00:23:14 If my sorrow wasn’t enough, the movie shows another exterior shot of the mansion. It’s even bigger than I thought! *chugs rest of Merlot*
00:23:21 The family gathers for dinner. Before their massive fireplace, they say a prayer.
00:24:14 The siblings discuss and get to know each others significant others. Drake talks about commercials and how great they are, is an asshole. No one likes commercials, Drake! And don’t be giving BIG ADVERTISING any ideas now, you hear???
00:25:06 Now that Drake has properly humiliated Tariq, the underground documentarist, he turns his attention to Erin and Crispian, who are having too far of a good time for his liking. Hmm, hmmm what could really make me an asshole here?
“So Erin, are you still in school?” Nailed it!
00:25:10 “Yes, yes I am,” Erin answers proudly, “I’m finishing my last year of my masters in literature.”
00:25:20 The family gives joyous congrats. ‘That’s not good enough, Drake!’ says Drake’s inner monologue.
“So then, were you a student of Crispian?”
‘Yes, yes, that’s better! Totally gonna watch some kangaroo porn later and stare at my wife as she sleeps!’ – – That second part was my imagined Drake inner monologue, which doesn’t actually exist. Yes, something may be wrong with me.
00:25:23 “I was but not anymore,” Erin responds.
Drake nods and mumbles something into his wine glass.
“What was that?” Crispian challenges.
“Huh?”
“You said unprofessional, is there something you want to say?”
“Nope, no. Just agreeing with you.”
Things begin to get heated. Not so perfect anymore, are we, family???
Shouting erupts about judgment and who should judge who. Guys, guys! I’m right here, judging you all myself. Let me be the one to, um, judge.
(Are you guys uncomfortable with me breaking the 4th wall? Because I love it.)
00:26:25 “You are so jealous of me,” Drake jabs. Our 25 year old adult characters are now being portrayed by teenagers. Enjoy!
00:26:29 Documentarist Tariq is not impressed with this nonsense. He sits, staring forward, face laid on fist. His head cocks. He notices something unusual. The sixth sense has been transferred to this young padawan!
He abruptly rises from the table and strides towards the window. He stares. “Oh shit.”
An arrow penetrates Tariq’s forehead.
00:27:17 The family stops arguing and witnesses Tariq as he falls. Please tell me you got that on tape! A documentarist’s last moments and you didn’t have a fucking camera rolling??
00:27:27 The family screams and scatters from the dining room table. More arrows fly through the window. Drake jolts up to pull his mother out of harm’s way but is pierced in the back by an arrow.
00:28:46 Erin gathers the panicking family behind some cover. Paul tries his cell phone but receives no service. “They must be using a cell phone jammer,” Felix shouts from his position across the room. “You can get them on the internet for like 30 bucks.” Holy fuck, what a bargain!! Thanks Felix@amazon.com!
00:28:53 “Felix, you fucking low life,” whines a withering Drake. Apparently an arrow to the knee, ahem, back can’t stop Drake from insulting people.
00:29:01 An arrow blasts through the glass and into the family portrait. Symbolism! The family screams more, as if the portrait acted as a bonded nerve amongst them.
00:29:46 The family ducks and run, one by one, until only Erin remains in the dining room. She inspects her surroundings and grabs a fire iron. She narrowly escapes an arrow and dives into the other room.
00:30:40 Drake begs for more pain killers which, actually, is now an appropriate time to take pain killers. Character development or…
00:31:14 Felix offers that the fastest runner should run out to the cars and get help. Drake and Crispian then begin arguing about who the fastest runner. Conflict, tragedy, murder; nothing can bring these two together!
00:31:25 Aimee sobs uncontrollably. “Nobody gives me credit for anything,” she complains through tears about her ability as a runner. Poor Aimee. Let’s give this one to her, guys, she needs it right now.
“Nobody’s running, okay?” Erin settles the dispute. But, but, what about Aimee’s feelings??
00:31:32 Apparently Erin’s assertion is being disregarded. “We believe in you, sweetie,” Paul props up his little girl!
“I mmm my mmmm,” Aimee mumbles in between sobs, “best time mmmmmm is 23 mmmmmm.”
00:32:12 Aimee rises and removes her heels (the real enemy here!). Paul and Felix man the doors, prepping them to unleash Aimee, the 23 something time runner! Prepare yourselves, murderers!
Aimee gets her running start. We go slow motion. Look at that acceleration!! The doors swing free. Aimee’s throat is torn open.
00:33:06 As the family gathers round bleeding out track star Aimee, Erin inspects the door. There’s a barbed wire strung across the entry way at neck height.
00:33:29 Aimee dies. I mean, counting slow motion, it was about 23 seconds or so. I think we have to give it to her, guys.
00:33:48 Erin looks on as the last of her blood trickles out of Aimee’s body. She turns and bolts up the stairs.
Crispian follows.
00:34:07 Erin begins locking the house the fuck down. Night of the Living Dead’s Ben would be proud. She runs into Crispian and tells him that texting 911 will be received by authorities as a voicemail. She tries but no data service is available.
Erin runs back downstairs. She checks on Drake. “It’s okay, I can’t feel it anymore.” Either that’s the drugs and, good! Or that’s really, really bad.
00:35:02 Erin locks the front door. Crispian comes back down the stairs. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”
“You’ve never seen me in this type of situation,” she answers.
00:35:22 Paul brings a distraught Aubrey up the stairs and to bed. He turns off the lights and leaves the room. Aubrey sobs.
A hand sneaks out from underneath her bed. The figure rises to reveal it’s animal farm mask. The Wolf-masked man raises his machete and swings.
00:37:26 The family hears a scream and runs up the staircase. Erin continues locking down the house until another animal masked man reaches through the window and grabs her. As if instinct, she stabs the man in the arm with a butcher’s knife. See what a masters in literature can get you?
Erin scrambles for another weapon but when she turns back around, the animal man is gone.
00:38:19 The family breaks into the room to find Aubrey‘s face macheted and and “You’re Next” bloodily written upon the wall. There goes Wile E. Coyote again, calling his shot. If his cartoon counterpart were as vindictive, the road runner would be fucked.
Paul freaks out and his sons cradle him as he cries.
00:39:30 Kelly stays behind in Aubrey’s room. She looks around for evidence of the murderer. She finds the window wide open so she shuts it.
Kelly returns to the bed and peeks underneath. Wile E. Coyote goes boo! Kelly runs out of the room screaming, down the stairs, past a catatonic Paul and out the door.
“Kelly!” her husband shouts. Drake runs after her. Kelly ducks underneath the barbed wire and so does Drake but Drake forgets there’s a goddamn arrow in his back so the arrow gets ripped further down his body. He faints at the doorstep.
00:41:04 Kelly continues running into the woods. A hidden figure admires her pace. And Aimee was the one bragging about her 40 time! Nonetheless, the hidden figure follows Kelly further into the woods.
00:41:57 Back at the mansion, Crispian lays out his plan: he’ll go get the car (because, by God, Kelly isn’t going to mock him with her sprinting speed!), swing it around and Erin, Felix and Zee will carry Drake and Paul to it.
“I’ll be right back,” Crispian promises Erin. Can we get a Jamie Kennedy shout out up in here?
Erin offers Crispian her butchers knife. He leaves and she shuts the door behind him.
00:42:23 Kelly’s half mile time trial brings her to a neighboring cabin. Sound familiar? It’s because it belongs to the dead naked man, that’s why!
She runs to the sliding glass door and, seeing the still dead and naked man propped up on the couch, begins pounding on the door.
Noticing a reflection, she turns and is punched in the face by a Lamb-faced murderer. She falls through the sliding glass and, finally, the music escapes the confines of the house and is shared with all of us!
*covering ears* IT’S SO FUCKING LOUD!!!
00:43:26 Crispian finds the vehicles disabled by the attackers. He sighs.
00:43:53 Meanwhile, MORE LOUD MUSIC. KELLY DESPERATELY CRAWLS AS HER ATTACKER FOLLOWS. HE THROWS HER THROUGH A GLASS TABLE (IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE FUCKING MADE OF GLASS?) AND GOLF SWINGS HIS AX INTO THE SIDE OF HER HEAD.
The music ends. I’m not sure if you heard me, but Kelly just got got with a 5 iron. The CD repeats. Fucking Christ.
Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a deep breath, admires his work (that’s a hole in one, I’d say!) and sits down on the couch next to dead, naked guy.
00:45:38 Back at the mansion, Crispian and others discuss a new plan. “I’m going to go to the neighbors,” he offers. Don’t go to the neighbors, dude. But, if you do, bring ear plugs because THE MUSIC IS FUCKING LOUD THERE!
Crispian once again promises Erin he’ll be right back. You’re running out of your nine lives, dude.
00:47:14 Crispian leaves, Erin shuts the door behind him. She turns to Paul and calmly states, “I think it’s safe to say that one’s still inside.”
Erin makes another plan: bunker up in one of the rooms and border up the windows, she instructs. Erin confidently strides into the kitchen. She grabs more weapons. How many butcher knives does this family own? Did Aubrey get visited by CutCo or something?
As she is carrying her findings back to the faction, Kelly’s body is thrust through the dining room window. Erin falls to the ground and the family scatters. An attacker masked as a Bear Cat enters through the shattered window.
00:49:04 Bear Cat swings his ax at the fallen Erin, who rolls and dodges it. She kicks him in the balls, rolls again, grabs a kitchen meat pounder and strikes him in the knee. Then she swings it at the back of his head as he withers in pain.
Bear Cat screams in agony. Erin strikes again, incapacitating him.
Bear Cat falls unconscious. Erin mounts his back and continues swinging the meat pounder into his head over and over. Felix and Zee look on with confusion.
00:49:48 Erin concludes her pulverizing and settles. She unmasks the man. “Anybody know this guy?” she asks for identification from the beaten-in face of the intruder.
“It’s kind of hard to tell,” Felix admits.
00:50:13 Oh and sorry if I didn’t make this clear but the tides have fucking turned.
00:51:10 “Where’s your dad?” Erin asks Felix.
Meanwhile, Paul wanders around upstairs wielding a butchers knife. He enters the closet he nearly investigated earlier and finds bottled water and other supplies. The power goes out within the mansion.
00:52:54 Erin goes to find the circuit breaker in the basement but Paul reboots the power from upstairs. The lights come back on and he finds Felix and Zee.
He warns that the attackers must be watching them. He back peddles away from Felix and Zee, explaining as he goes. He walks into another room and Wile E. Coyote slits his throat with a machete.
Paul continues stumbling backwards into a coffee table. Felix and Zee look on as his blood vacates their vessels.
00:53:31 Wile E. Coyote waddles over to Felix and Zee. Felix side eyes the attacker. “Really? You had to do that in front of me?”
Wile E. Coyote turns to face Felix. He removes his iPod ear buds. “Were you saying something to me?”
Zee and Wile E. Coyote admire their destruction as Felix wanders off to wash up.
00:54:09 Oh and if I didn’t make it clear enough, FUCKING PLOT TWIST, GUYS!!
00:54:26 Erin continues exploring the basement. Mary Had A Little Lamb enters the mansion, crossbow locked, cocked.
Erin notices sounds coming from upstairs and she begins her climb back to the dining room.
00:55:40 Mary Had A Little Lamb discovers a dead Bear Cat and, in sorrow, flips over the dining room table. Aubrey worked so hard to prepare that meal too!
00:56:02 As Mary Had A Little Lamb regroups, Erin grabs a screwdriver from a nearby toolbox at the foot of the basement stairs.
Mary Had A Little Lamb removes his mask to wipe his eyes when he notices noise coming from the cellar door. He investigates and sees Erin’s eye peering out the key hole. He hacks at the door with an ax.
00:57:51 Drake awakes from his arrow-induced coma and stumbles into the room. “Hey,” he offers to the man who killed his wife as he was sleeping.
Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a few intimidating steps forward and Drake trips backwards. Erin then bolts out from her hiding place and stabs Mary Had A Little Lamb in the back.
Drake grabs the ax and, suddenly outnumbered, Mary Had A Little Lamb runs out the front door. Erin locks it behind him.
00:58:38 Erin and Drake exchange niceties and catch up on recent events. “Where’s Kelly?”
“I don’t know,” Erin lies.
Felix and Zee run down the stairs. “What happened? We heard noises so we stayed upstairs.” Thanks, assholes.
00:58:58 “One of them came and attacked us,” Erin recounts as she helps Drake to his feet. “I stabbed him and he ran away.”
“You stabbed him?” Felix scoffs in impressed disbelief. Awwww, was that one of your college buddies, Felix?
“Yup,” Erin nonchalantly confirms. “Is dad okay?”
“Yeah he just,” Felix grits, “he just needed to lie down.” In his death bed, that is!
“How many do you think there are?” Zee speaks for perhaps the first time in the movie.
Erin blows a strand of hair out of her face. “Perhaps two more of them.”
“Well maybe they’re gone,” Zee probes, “maybe you scared them off.”
Rolling her eyes, Erin quips, “let’s not count on that.”
Erin recommends they get supplies from the basement.
00:59:47 The film shows the exterior of the mansion again and I realize I do not want that home anymore.
01:00:06 Erin collects tools and her and Zee return to the dining room to construct some booby traps. She shows Zee how to properly put a nail through a 2×4. Zee looks on disinterested.
Zee picks up a hammer and inspects it. “Can I ask you a personal question? How do you know all this?”
“Well I kind of grew up on a survivalist compound. I haven’t even told Crispian yet.”
“Good answer,” Zee nods, impressed.
Erin continues: “When my dad grew paranoid, I became convinced that the world would run out of resources in a matter of years. So myself and a bunch of guys moved out to the outback.”
“Wow,” Zee mumbles, “that’s crazy.”
01:01:47 Drake and Felix review available supplies down in the basement. “I’ve gotta go looking for Crispian and Kelly,” Drake says.
“Drake, what are you talking about?” Felix utters. “Kelly’s dead.”
Drake’s face contorts. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t know,” Felix defends.
Felix continues on and Drake yells at him. “Shut up, stop talking!” he wails. Felix stabs Drake in the gut with a screwdriver.
“I’m sorry,” Felix says as he inserts another screwdriver into his brother’s abdomen. Felix isn’t that sorry.
Drake still stands as Felix repeatedly stabs him. “Will you just die already?” Felix asks. Drake staggers back and notices 7 different instruments penetrating the front of his body. Damn, if this isn’t an endorsement for Vicoden, I don’t know what is!
Drake finally falls.
01:04:16 In the dining room, Erin places her nailed 2×4 traps at the foot of the vulnerable windows. Zee firmly grasps one of the nailed wooden panels. She rises and raises it over Erin’s distracted body. Erin turns. “You done with that one?” Zee mhmms.
Erin says she’ll check upstairs for more supplies. “Don’t do that, I’ll go,” Zee offers. Erin looks at her quizzically.
“You want to come with me? We can go together.”
“No, that’s okay. I can stay here,” Zee backtracks.
“Okay, be careful,” Erin warns as she leaves. Zee watches her briefly then follows.
01:05:41 Erin investigates the second level, armed with her meat pounder. Downstairs, Zee unlocks the front door.
Erin enters one of the bedrooms to find a long-dead Paul. As she inspects the body, a machete clad figure approaches from behind.
Aware, she swivels and throws her meat pounder but misses. She runs and jumps out the bedroom window.
01:06:54 She lands roughly on the ground and notices a piece of glass protruding from her thigh. She glances up and Wile E. Coyote stares down at her from the broken window. She crawls forward and away into the woods.
01:07:22 Within the solitude provided by the woods, she reveals a pocket flashlight. She removes the glass from her thigh. She then notices a discarded arrow laid upon the leaves. She turns and Mary Had A Little Lamb welcomes her with his crossbow.
He shoots but misses. She staggers back out of the woods and towards the mansion.
01:08:26 She enters through the front door and hides behind the living room curtains. She uses a piece of cloth to secure her leg wound.
01:08:52 Mary Had A Little Lamb approaches from outside. Crossbow in hand, he peeks through an open window. He notices one of the nailed wooden traps that Erin has set. He carefully climbs through but fails to notice the second nailed wooden trap. It penetrates his foot.
01:10:03 Felix, Zee and Wile E. Coyote recognize Mary Had A Little Lamb’s cries from within Aubrey’s bedroom. Wile E. Coyote reapplies his mask and goes to work.
01:10:14 By the way, Crispian is still a character that is in this movie. He’s either long dead, one of the attackers or out for help. But we have yet to hear from him since he left for the neighbors. Maybe he finally turned their music off and is chilling with naked dead guy.
01:10:34 Felix sits down on his dead mother’s bed and Zee mounts him. They make out and she removes her shirt. “I’m not really in the mood now, Zee.” That’s probably normal given your girlfriend is trying to fuck you on your mother’s corpse.
“You never want to do anything interesting,” Zee complains.
“I don’t think that is fair criticism,” Felix gawks at his obviously psychotic girlfriend.
“Fuck me next to your dead mom then,” Zee dirty talks. Ummmm fucking no, bitch. Felix throws her off his crotch and leaves. Like the psychotic fucker she is, Zee removes Aubrey’s wedding ring from her cold fingers and admires it on her own. Time to get a new girlfriend, Felix.
01:11:38 Wile E. Coyote helps Mary Had A Little Lamb remove the nail from his foot in the dining room. Felix and Zee enter. They complain about the fluidity of the plan. Mary Had A Little Lamb admits that Bear Cat was his brother. Fraternity brother or, like, blood brother. I can’t tell the difference with you college students and your pranks anymore.
Erin listens from her hiding spot.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you guys were all related,” Felix apologizes to the killers. Mary Had A Little Lamb pins Felix to a wall. He threatens him but Felix renegotiates their price offer. “You just need to finish this and we’re through.” Mary Had A Little Lamb releases Felix.
01:13:48 Erin’s phone rings.
01:13:53 Wile E. Coyote rolls his eyes. “I got it.”
A text message reveals that 911 has received Erin’s emergency text. Nice going, 911. Always proving to be the least helpful in dire situations for our horror victims.
01:14:07 Wile E. approaches with his machete. Erin waits in attack position. He rips open the curtains and Erin throat punches him. Fuck yeah!
She limps away into the kitchen and through the backdoor. The attackers follow.
Erin climbs back in through an open window as Felix, Zee and Wile E. run out into the yard.
Mary Had A Little Lamb limps after but notices something unusual with the side window. He drags his numb foot over and peeks in. Erin stabs him in the face with a knife.
Mary Had A Little Lamb stumbles backwards and falls. Another lamb bites the dust.
01:16:21 Erin claims the ax and retreats into the basement. She grabs a roll of string, a brick and gets to work. Home Alone 4!
01:16:50 Erin sets a deadly trap at the front door.
01:17:20 Meanwhile, the others wander around outside looking for her. Wile E. Coyote tells Felix that he’s going back inside, that they can continue looking for Erin without him. Felix complains about lack of weaponry so he steals the crossbow.
Wile E. giggles. “You even know how to use that?”
“You aim and shoot, right?”
Wile E. giggles again and Felix huffs off.
01:18:28 Erin peers outside as Wile E. climbs through a window behind her. Aware, she runs back down into the cellar. He pursues.
Erin retrieves a second brick and smashes out the overhead light bulb, cloaking the cellar in darkness.
01:19:18 Wile E. enters. He holds his machete like a baseball bat. Erin hides as a steady strobe of flashes briefly light up the room.
Wile E. discovers the source of the flash. It’s a camera. Erin uses this opportunity to strike the killer. She mounts and beats Wile E. into a pulp.
01:20:45 Erin returns to the living room, her limp slightly disabling her. She surveys the room but Felix shoots the crossbow through the window. Zee and him run up to investigate but don’t find a body.
Zee further pursues into the house with the crossbow as Felix goes to the car and grabs a pocket knife.
01:22:35 Zee tip toes into the kitchen where Erin strikes her. They struggle as Felix enters. Erin dumps previously boiling water on him but it’s since gone cold. He mocks her but steps forward and slips.
Zee bites Erin’s hand. Erin takes and swings a cooking pot at Zee’s head. They strangle each other and Felix stabs Erin’s shoulder with the knife. Erin releases, takes the blender and stabs the blending bit into Felix’s skull. She plugs in the kitchen device and blends Felix’s brains.
That enough action for you? No?
Zee gags but recovers. Erin removes the pocket knife from her shoulder and pierces Zee’s skull.
Erin finally sits down, flanked by her two dead rivals. She catches her breath and caresses her new wound. She reaches into Felix’s pocket and retrieves his cell phone.
She puts it up to her ear and listens.
“Felix,” Crispian says, “is it all done in there or what?”
Erin continues listening. “Look, I know you’re pissed at me for not helping but I couldn’t do it, man. I told you this might happen. I saw mom and… the blood and… I just can’t deal with the violent stuff. Come on, man, I can hear you breathing on the other end of the phone. Felix? It’s fucking freezing out here, I’m coming inside.”
01:25:51 Crispian climbs in the window. He looks down at his cell phone, the call is ended. He turns around to find Erin, with Felix’s cell phone, glaring at him.
“Oh Erin, you’re okay. Where’s Felix?”
“I stuck his head in the blender.”
“Oh.”
“You were going to kill me,” Erin mutters to Crispian.
“No,” Crispian defends, “you were supposed to be the witness.”
Crispian continues explaining how she was supposed to be left unharmed.
He stops. “Where is Zee?”
“I killed her too.”
“Ah. Totally understand.”
He begins apologizing and compliments her for her killing ability. If she hadn’t been such a bad ass, he says, they would have been rich and heading off for a vacation right now. Crispian, this would be the perfect time to propose! Isn’t the mood lovely?
He continues on about how perfect they are for each other as Erin perpetually glares. He walks ever closer.
“I love you,” he concludes.
Erin breaks posture and stabs Crispian in the neck. Then the eye.
01:30:22 Erin stands above Crispian’s bleeding body as a gun shot rings out. Erin falls. We see a police man poking his gun through the broken window. He surveys the scene with astonishment and leaves.
Erin struggles for oxygen. She begins to crawl.
01:31:19 The police man returns to his cruiser and radios in back up. He approaches the front door to reenter the house.
Erin crawls towards the hallway as the front door opens.
“No, don’t!” she warns.
The police man enters and the ax trap hits him. The screen becomes soaked in blood with the words
YOU’RE NEXT.
End Credits
That’s a wrap on You’re Next! Great movie and I believe I found my new love interest in Sharni Vinson. She’s beautiful and a bad ass and will protect me from serial killers forever and ever.
So we learned that happy, rich families are probably not invulnerable to generational murder (like princes assassinating kings!), always do a background check on your student-turned-girlfriend and Vicoden turns you into the Hulk. Drake feel no more pain!!!
Sources
- You’re Next. Dir. Adam Wingard. Perf. Sharni Vinson, Joe Swanberg. HanWay Films, 2011.
- Cover Image
Horror Holiday 
