00:00:00 Because you’re cold, I’m cold, everyone’s cold and it’s almost Christmas, we’re covering Dead Snow. Or, for you Norwegians (does Norway read my stuff?) Død snø. ‘Nazi Zombies buried underneath ice have come back to life to terrorize a bunch of teenagers on their holiday.’ That’s the plot. Oh and the entirety of this movie is subtitled.
I have never done subtitles on Horror Holiday before. When I typically write these things (I don’t even know how to categorize these diary logs honestly. Comedy? No. Horror? No. Unnecessary? Hmmmm), I need to pause the movie to finish writing my thoughts, press play, watch and then pause again. A 90 minute movie can take me almost three hours. So given the foreign linguistics of this film, I’m going to take a lot of creative liberties. Bear with me.
Without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Dead Snow.
00:00:02 I know that the ‘nazi zombie’ concept gained significant recognition following it’s Call of Duty video game introduction but are there actually fanatics? Like, nazi zombies die hards? I know it sounds crazy but there are some fierce subgenre battles between ‘zombies’ and ‘infected.’ Is there a message board out there in the gutters of the internet shouting, “it’s not a nazi zombie unless they strictly served in World War II. World War I Kaiser zombies are simply bullshit!”
00:01:02 We open the film set in a cold, dark forest. The trees are barren of their leaves and look like they could use a good blanket. A young boy runs as if being chased. Finally, he stops and checks for his follower. He waits. Then BOO! Nazi Zombie!
He continues his flight, multiple Nazi Zombies in pursuit. He ends up tumbling down a hill and breaking his leg. The Zeds catch up and eat him.
DEAD SNOW
00:03:09 Mid Afternoon, I’m assuming the next day: a car drives down a desolate road (how many fucking times have I wrote that line to open up a horror movie?)
00:03:57 Four men ride along in the vehicle. They toy around with the radio and speak some Scandinavian language; not sure which.
00:05:02 I just missed about three minutes of subtitled dialogue while typing. I’m scraping the original script already: Welcome to Dead Snow Redux, where the dialogue doesn’t matter. I only care about pictures and pretty images now!
00:05:20 Another car drives down the same road. This one is full with three woman and luggage. One is blonde, another is dreaded, another is neither.
00:05:56 I guess they’re gossiping about the boys in the other car. The blonde lady makes dog noises, signifying someone is horny. I don’t know who though, I missed the subtitles.
00:06:48 The vehicles stop next to a frozen river. The crew gear up in jackets, hats, goggles, etc. Norway is fucking cold, man. One guy gets on a snow mobile, says some things, then drives away. The others walk. Did they at least rock-paper-scissor for the opportunity to take the snowmobile?
00:08:15 As the less fortunate walk, they converse about stuff. Hold on one second, let’s see if I can catch some of this dialogue.
00:08:40 Oh wait, they’re talking about big budget horror movies? Is this supposed to be meta? Did they just cast the Scandinavian Jamie Kennedy?
00:09:32 Snowmobile dude drives up to a log cabin and stops. He looks around but nothing can be seen for miles. Are his friends walking all this way? Is this vacation really worth it?
Anyway, Snowmobile dude enters and starts a fire.
00:10:44 Finally, the others make it to the cabin. I have to imagine that they’re exhausted, pissed off and need at least a dozen beers for sake of hydration.
00:11:27 Nope. Now they’re snow tubing with a tube latched behind the snowmobile. Afterwards, they have a snowball fight. Punk Rock music plays in the background. I don’t know what this all means.
00:12:36 Night falls. The crew gathers in the cabin to play Twister. Horny blonde lady must be amped.
00:13:17 Okay, so let’s knock out some characters: We have Dreads, Blonde, and Neither as the girls. Then there is Four Eyes, Ashton Kutcher, Dudeee and some other guy who looks like a knock-off James Corden. That’s all I got for you. Effort levels are truly sinking here. Merry Christmas.
00:13:44 Four Eyes flirts with Dreads by attempting to suffocate her with a pillow in front of all his friends. I don’t think that works too well in the long run, Four Eyes.
00:13:55 Dreads kicks him off. He goes JK. She isn’t too keen on his humor.
00:14:30 Later at night, Blonde wanders out to the outhouse. The others play some sort of card game.
Corden leaves the table to check the fridge. Upon inspection, he finds beer. “MMMM beer,” he says in English. This is the only English-spoken line in the entire movie. Enjoy it!
00:15:28 Blonde finishes up in the outhouse but hears strange noises coming from outside. “Hello?” No answer. She begins to tip toe back to the cabin but is disturbed by a figure in the woods.
Blonde runs back to warn the others but, upon hearing her story, call her a fool. A FOOL!
Dudeee walks outside to disprove her claim but runs directly into an old hooded man. He asks for coffee and then proceeds to chill out on their couch.
00:17:35 The old man takes a sip of his coffee. “Who made this?”
“I did,” says Dreads, “it’s organically grown. Do you like it?”
“No, I don’t.”
But thanks for the free coffee!!!
00:18:14 To wash down the awful coffee, Old Man cracks a beer. The crew looks on with concern. Is this guy going to bum it on the couch or something? Because if that’s the case, you gotta kick him out now.
Old Man continues the awkward small talk by asking what they’re doing this weekend in the middle of nowhere. In the time I typed that sentence, I missed their answer. Nice going, Kyle.
00:19:31 Oh wait, now the Old Man is lecturing about some old german soldiers being stationed nearby. I didn’t miss the important part! Let’s just assume that the teenagers are out in the middle of the woods to play Twister and gag each other with pillows all weekend.
00:21:22 Old Man is still telling his ghost story. Something, something, nazi germans are possessed by the devil and are a big fucking deal, something. Old Man rolls a joint during this entire lecture and begins smoking. Just making himself right at home I guess. Don’t invite old men into your house, ladies and gentlemen.
Finally, the Old Man announces that he must depart. The gang relinquishes a sigh of relief. As he’s leaving, Dudeee makes a comment. For some reason, this offends the Old Man and he grabs him by the throat. Old Man says something then leaves.
00:24:37 This diary log is going to sound batshit crazy, isn’t it? Sorry for that. Stay tuned or check out some other movie write-ups; it gets better, I promise!
00:25:41 Ashton Kutcher wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders around the cabin. He opens the front door and to peek outside. A woman in a red jacket is standing a few feet away. She vomits blood and reaches towards him.
But he wakes up. It was just a dream. This is stupid.
00:26:56 Meanwhile, the Old Man has pitched his tent in the middle of the woods. It’s snowing and appears really cold. I don’t know this man’s business but he should probably quit. Like, right now.
Anyway, he’s hanging out in his tent, probably getting high again, when he hears a noise from outside. He investigates with his flashlight.
Old Man becomes infatuated with a dark figure deep in the woods. He stares but his throat is suddenly slashed by, I don’t fucking know, a really fast thing. Like, I’m not kidding, Old Man was staring into the woods when, out of fucking nowhere, something flashes across the screen and then he begins bleeding profusely from his throat. I guess the Flash is fucking zombified now. Probably would make a better movie than this currently.
All in all, Old Man dies.
00:30:36 The next day at the cabin, the gang horses around with snowmobiles. Apparently they have uncovered multiple snowmobiles now? I don’t know. One of the dudes, Corden, attempts to jump his over some cliff edge. More punk rock blazes in the background. He tumbles down it but survives. He pumps his fist in the air like Travis fucking Pastrana and the onlooking girls cheer him on. Bro, you just wiped out. That wasn’t cool at all.
Dudeee has the other snowmobile and he’s chosen to use his free-time to drive atop a cliff and eat lunch. While eating, he notices the Old Man’s tent posted up nearby. He investigates but finds the man dead and rotting inside.
00:34:20 Back at the cabin, the others find a jewelry box full of gold coins. That’s it. End scene. Corden goes woahhhh then grabs another beer and pounds it down his gut.
00:35:34 Dudeee continues further into the snowy wasteland yelling, “Sara.” I don’t know who Sara is. He then falls into a hole. What??
00:36:33 The gang have decided to wear some of the golden jewelry that they have discovered. They also pound more beers. Corden excuses himself to go to the outhouse. Shortly after he leaves, Neither finds him. And you thought I forgot about Neither!
Neither and Corden have sex in the outhouse. Apparently the gold made them all really horny. The gold must be possessed! Is that the theme of this fucking movie?
00:38:44 Corden returns to the house sans Neither. When the gang asks him if he’s seen her, he simply shotguns a beer and burps. Nice, asshole.
00:39:42 Neither remains in the outhouse. I don’t know why. Something watches her from outside. Finally, it sneaks underneath and drags her into the toilet. This is weird.
She climbs back out and limps away, crying for help. The gang doesn’t hear her though because they’re playing more punk music. Punk Rock is the enemy!
Finally, they pause the music and notice Neither’s shrieking. Dread walks outside to investigate but, just before Dread can open the door, FLASH ZOMBIE takes Neither.
Now you’re here, now you’re not. FLASH ZOMBIE!!!
00:42:46 What even is a Nazi Zombie anyway? Flash Zombie is totally cooler. If this movie continues to claim Nazi Zombies have Flash-like speed, I’m discrediting them from the zombie subgenre. Yes, I have this power! Get at me, Nazi Zombie Message Boards!
00:44:18 The guys go outside to investigate based on Dread’s uneasiness. Nothing happens. They return to the cabin to argue.
For some reason, Dread peers out a window and a figure reaches through the glass and grabs her. Blonde saves Dread.
00:46:03 The boys retrieve all the guns in the cabin, which is apparently a lot. Like, they have an entire armory of weapons on stock now. Where did they even buy this cabin? They check outside and there is now an army of Nazi Zombies. The boys begin boarding up all the windows.
00:47:33 Despite boarding up the windows, Corden decides it’s cool if he stands next to one because reasons. A Nazi Zombie reaches in, grabs his head and rips it apart.
00:48:48 Alright, so now we’re back with Dudeee and he’s still stuck in the hole. But this hole is significantly bigger than a hole. It turns out to be a tunnel system? He escapes somehow by climbing out.
00:49:35 And now we’re back in the cabin. The gang is huddled up in a corner and conversing with each other. Apparently the Nazi Zombies have chosen to forego their previously seen Flash-like speed killing.
Alright, I’m scrapping the diary log mid-movie. Woahhh, right?? Shit’s crazy! I can’t follow this movie because: 1) I can’t keep track of the subtitles while typing, 2) this movie is really, very stupid, and 3) I have been drinking.
I’ll continue to rattle off major events and deaths as they occur but I’m not going to follow persistently. It’d just be a waste of your time and my buzz.
So, what to talk about? Let’s discuss ‘Flash Zombie’ for a little bit because this movie is, what? 93 minutes long? Shit, still have a while to go. Anyway! Flash Zombie! Is this possible? No. Can I still discuss it? Yes!
In case you don’t understand the reference, The Flash is a superhero who is really fast. Like, lightning fast. That’s all I can describe him as because I never actually read his comics. But what if he became a zombie, right? Would he still have his speed powers in the not-so-after-life?
This stems into the zombie versus infected argument. 28 Days Later introduced us to the infected subgenre of zombie films; they were the first ‘quick’ zombies. They were created because zombies just weren’t doing it for audiences in the early 2000’s….
Movie update: Dudeee is currently having a boxing match with a Nazi Zombie.
… so director Danny Boyle decided to make them fast. “That’ll bring fear back to the subgenre.” But then the classification went sideways thanks to the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Director Zack Snyder made his zombies fast and he legitimately called them zombies. Boyle at least called his infected. So perhaps Snyder can be credited with the introduction of the fast zombie? But I digress.
Zombies were first introduced as a villain with George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. They were slow and methodical. The danger resided in the accumulation of zombies. The more zombies there were, the less space there was to run; hence, you became overrun. The fast zombies were like a cheat code in Dawn of the Dead: Snyder had a lot of ‘em and they were all track stars. Like, come on, I bet more than 75% of those guys weren’t half that fast as living humans. Is the zombie gene a new form of steroid?
Oh, and Blonde just got her gut ripped open by Nazi Zombies.
So yeah, the basic argument is: are fast zombies still considered zombies? Or are they an anomaly and a misunderstanding of the original concept of zombies?
That took longer than I expected. Still have 25 minutes left of movie. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. It’s basically the gang all separated and being hunted by a horde of Nazi Zombies. Except these zombies are militarized, strategized and can think for themselves. They’re not actually zombies at all. This is all really, very stupid.
Oh, and Dread just died. She ended up being chased to the edge of a snow ledge by a single zombie. She stops, smirks at the zombie bro and begins jumping up and down to cause an avalanche. She does and both of them die. Trust me, you’re better off reading something else. I’m only writing still because I need to provide something in the way of content for this movie. I just never realized how bad it could be.
Ummm, what else? This has really turned blog-like, hasn’t it? I’ve been trying to keep away from that. Just so you all know, I am aware these entries are way too long for a blog. I just, I don’t know, want to create good, original content. I have a great time writing about horror movies but I also want to produce solid content…
WAIT! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Dread’s alive??? She somehow digs herself out of the avalanche. What the hell?
Anyway, about producing content. I feel like horror movies have given birth to a sort of community. A lot of these films are influenced by each other which make them easy to reference. And because there’s a sort of rule book to construct a horror movie, that makes it even more relatable. But horror movies are also born from ridiculous concepts. And that’s fan-fucking-tastic. With the ridiculous story and absence of physics, logic, whatever, the imagination can roam around realms untouched by other movie genres.
So that’s why I created this blog: to poke fun, to mock, to have fun watching horror movies and also contribute my own tales in the process.
Dudeee is dead. He just got stabbed, in a choreographed fashioned, by seven Nazi Zombies. They then, in sync, lifted him up and tore his limbs off. Like the fucking Rockettes. I am so glad I gave up covering this film half an hour ago.
Alright, so I apologize for not posting as much content post-October. I’ve just been drawn away by a number of different things, whether that be life, job searching, other blogs that I run, etc. Probably the thing I’ve been working on most is a screenplay. It’s nearly finished; I’m currently on the 4th draft. I’ve been very knit picky.
Dread finally died. Ashton Kutcher stabbed her by accident.
The screenplay resides within the horror film realm but also mixes in science fiction and comedy. I’ve really enjoyed putting it together. We’ll see where that goes.
But I have plans laid out for Horror Holiday. I’m going to produce more diary logs, that’s a certain, but I also want to create a shared universe type of thing. Like, have articles that are self referential to previous content. That’s probably the best way to describe it: articles about horror films that I’ve covered.
I’ve been working on that off and on and I think I’ll launch one of the concepts after New Years. So keep posted on that.
So I guess Ashton Kutcher got bit in the arm. He decided to amputate to avoid being zombified (if that even happens in this universe. I think it’s a prerequisite to be a Nazi first). Anyway, he amputates but then a Nazi Zombies rises from beneath and bites his dick. Another source of infection? I don’t know.
Alright, 10 minutes left. So we covered the zombie subgenre argument, my apology for not posting as much content as I wished, the future of Horror Holiday, what else?
Four Eyes just died. He got his intestines stuck on a tree. I don’t know how that’s supposed to work but, nonetheless, Ashton Kutcher is the last one alive.
Okay, quick preview of the article types! I’m thinking of creating a statistical category for horror movie characters, kind of like baseball sabermetrics. I think that’d be a cool twist on how we analyze movies; creating a balanced playing field and finding a true player value. See, mom, I AM making my sports management major useful!!
And then another idea I had is to create Head2Head match ups between two different villains, characters, etc. So these are much more speculation based concepts and articles. They’ll be interesting to construct.
Ashton Kutcher finally makes it back to his vehicle. He struggles to buckle his seat belt (why!?) with his severed arm but then drops the keys. Upon retrieving them, he realizes he’s become surrounded by the entirety of the Third Reich. The screen goes to black and more punk rock plays over the credits. Red out Ashton Kutcher’s name please!
So that’s a wrap on Dead Snow! This was awful. Sorry about that. Hopefully you clicked out long ago. If not, I hope you enjoyed some random babbling. I owe y’all more content and you’ll get it.
To conclude, watch good horror movies; don’t be like me. Mistakes were made, prices were paid and now I wish a Flash Zombie actually existed. Only in my dreams.
Sources
- Dead Snow. Dir. Tommy Wirkola. Perf. Jeppe Beck Laurson, Charlotte Frogner. Eurforia Film, 2009.
- Cover Image
Horror Holiday 
