Dead Snow

00:00:00 Because you’re cold, I’m cold, everyone’s cold and it’s almost Christmas, we’re covering Dead Snow. Or, for you Norwegians (does Norway read my stuff?) Død snø. ‘Nazi Zombies buried underneath ice have come back to life to terrorize a bunch of teenagers on their holiday.’ That’s the plot. Oh and the entirety of this movie is subtitled.

I have never done subtitles on Horror Holiday before. When I typically write these things (I don’t even know how to categorize these diary logs honestly. Comedy? No. Horror? No. Unnecessary? Hmmmm), I need to pause the movie to finish writing my thoughts, press play, watch and then pause again. A 90 minute movie can take me almost three hours. So given the foreign linguistics of this film, I’m going to take a lot of creative liberties. Bear with me.

Without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Dead Snow.

00:00:02 I know that the ‘nazi zombie’ concept gained significant recognition following it’s Call of Duty video game introduction but are there actually fanatics? Like, nazi zombies die hards? I know it sounds crazy but there are some fierce subgenre battles between ‘zombies’ and ‘infected.’ Is there a message board out there in the gutters of the internet shouting, “it’s not a nazi zombie unless they strictly served in World War II. World War I Kaiser zombies are simply bullshit!”

00:01:02 We open the film set in a cold, dark forest. The trees are barren of their leaves and look like they could use a good blanket. A young boy runs as if being chased. Finally, he stops and checks for his follower. He waits. Then BOO! Nazi Zombie!

He continues his flight, multiple Nazi Zombies in pursuit. He ends up tumbling down a hill and breaking his leg. The Zeds catch up and eat him.

DEAD SNOW

00:03:09 Mid Afternoon, I’m assuming the next day: a car drives down a desolate road (how many fucking times have I wrote that line to open up a horror movie?)

00:03:57 Four men ride along in the vehicle. They toy around with the radio and speak some Scandinavian language; not sure which.

00:05:02 I just missed about three minutes of subtitled dialogue while typing. I’m scraping the original script already: Welcome to Dead Snow Redux, where the dialogue doesn’t matter. I only care about pictures and pretty images now!

00:05:20 Another car drives down the same road. This one is full with three woman and luggage. One is blonde, another is dreaded, another is neither.

00:05:56 I guess they’re gossiping about the boys in the other car. The blonde lady makes dog noises, signifying someone is horny. I don’t know who though, I missed the subtitles.

00:06:48 The vehicles stop next to a frozen river. The crew gear up in jackets, hats, goggles, etc. Norway is fucking cold, man. One guy gets on a snow mobile, says some things, then drives away. The others walk. Did they at least rock-paper-scissor for the opportunity to take the snowmobile?

00:08:15 As the less fortunate walk, they converse about stuff. Hold on one second, let’s see if I can catch some of this dialogue.

Nice view.

00:08:40 Oh wait, they’re talking about big budget horror movies? Is this supposed to be meta? Did they just cast the Scandinavian Jamie Kennedy?

00:09:32 Snowmobile dude drives up to a log cabin and stops. He looks around but nothing can be seen for miles. Are his friends walking all this way? Is this vacation really worth it?

Anyway, Snowmobile dude enters and starts a fire.

00:10:44 Finally, the others make it to the cabin. I have to imagine that they’re exhausted, pissed off and need at least a dozen beers for sake of hydration.

00:11:27 Nope. Now they’re snow tubing with a tube latched behind the snowmobile. Afterwards, they have a snowball fight. Punk Rock music plays in the background. I don’t know what this all means.

00:12:36 Night falls. The crew gathers in the cabin to play Twister. Horny blonde lady must be amped.

00:13:17 Okay, so let’s knock out some characters: We have Dreads, Blonde, and Neither as the girls. Then there is Four Eyes, Ashton Kutcher, Dudeee and some other guy who looks like a knock-off James Corden. That’s all I got for you. Effort levels are truly sinking here. Merry Christmas.

00:13:44 Four Eyes flirts with Dreads by attempting to suffocate her with a pillow in front of all his friends. I don’t think that works too well in the long run, Four Eyes.

00:13:55 Dreads kicks him off. He goes JK. She isn’t too keen on his humor.

00:14:30 Later at night, Blonde wanders out to the outhouse. The others play some sort of card game.

Corden leaves the table to check the fridge. Upon inspection, he finds beer. “MMMM beer,” he says in English. This is the only English-spoken line in the entire movie. Enjoy it!

00:15:28 Blonde finishes up in the outhouse but hears strange noises coming from outside. “Hello?” No answer. She begins to tip toe back to the cabin but is disturbed by a figure in the woods.

Blonde runs back to warn the others but, upon hearing her story, call her a fool. A FOOL!

Dudeee walks outside to disprove her claim but runs directly into an old hooded man. He asks for coffee and then proceeds to chill out on their couch.

00:17:35 The old man takes a sip of his coffee. “Who made this?”

“I did,” says Dreads, “it’s organically grown. Do you like it?”

“No, I don’t.”

But thanks for the free coffee!!!

00:18:14 To wash down the awful coffee, Old Man cracks a beer. The crew looks on with concern. Is this guy going to bum it on the couch or something? Because if that’s the case, you gotta kick him out now.

Old Man continues the awkward small talk by asking what they’re doing this weekend in the middle of nowhere. In the time I typed that sentence, I missed their answer. Nice going, Kyle.

Old Man may stick around all weekend!

00:19:31 Oh wait, now the Old Man is lecturing about some old german soldiers being stationed nearby. I didn’t miss the important part! Let’s just assume that the teenagers are out in the middle of the woods to play Twister and gag each other with pillows all weekend.

00:21:22 Old Man is still telling his ghost story. Something, something, nazi germans are possessed by the devil and are a big fucking deal, something. Old Man rolls a joint during this entire lecture and begins smoking. Just making himself right at home I guess. Don’t invite old men into your house, ladies and gentlemen.

Finally, the Old Man announces that he must depart. The gang relinquishes a sigh of relief. As he’s leaving, Dudeee makes a comment. For some reason, this offends the Old Man and he grabs him by the throat. Old Man says something then leaves.

00:24:37 This diary log is going to sound batshit crazy, isn’t it? Sorry for that. Stay tuned or check out some other movie write-ups; it gets better, I promise!

00:25:41 Ashton Kutcher wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders around the cabin. He opens the front door and to peek outside. A woman in a red jacket is standing a few feet away. She vomits blood and reaches towards him.

But he wakes up. It was just a dream. This is stupid.

00:26:56 Meanwhile, the Old Man has pitched his tent in the middle of the woods. It’s snowing and appears really cold. I don’t know this man’s business but he should probably quit. Like, right now.

Anyway, he’s hanging out in his tent, probably getting high again, when he hears a noise from outside. He investigates with his flashlight.

Old Man becomes infatuated with a dark figure deep in the woods. He stares but his throat is suddenly slashed by, I don’t fucking know, a really fast thing. Like, I’m not kidding, Old Man was staring into the woods when, out of fucking nowhere, something flashes across the screen and then he begins bleeding profusely from his throat. I guess the Flash is fucking zombified now. Probably would make a better movie than this currently.

All in all, Old Man dies.

00:30:36 The next day at the cabin, the gang horses around with snowmobiles. Apparently they have uncovered multiple snowmobiles now? I don’t know. One of the dudes, Corden, attempts to jump his over some cliff edge. More punk rock blazes in the background. He tumbles down it but survives. He pumps his fist in the air like Travis fucking Pastrana and the onlooking girls cheer him on. Bro, you just wiped out. That wasn’t cool at all.

Dudeee has the other snowmobile and he’s chosen to use his free-time to drive atop a cliff and eat lunch. While eating, he notices the Old Man’s tent posted up nearby. He investigates but finds the man dead and rotting inside.

00:34:20 Back at the cabin, the others find a jewelry box full of gold coins. That’s it. End scene. Corden goes woahhhh then grabs another beer and pounds it down his gut.

00:35:34 Dudeee continues further into the snowy wasteland yelling, “Sara.” I don’t know who Sara is. He then falls into a hole. What??

“I am so hiring a new agent once I’m down with this film.”

00:36:33 The gang have decided to wear some of the golden jewelry that they have discovered. They also pound more beers. Corden excuses himself to go to the outhouse. Shortly after he leaves, Neither finds him. And you thought I forgot about Neither!

Neither and Corden have sex in the outhouse. Apparently the gold made them all really horny. The gold must be possessed! Is that the theme of this fucking movie?

00:38:44 Corden returns to the house sans Neither. When the gang asks him if he’s seen her, he simply shotguns a beer and burps. Nice, asshole.

00:39:42 Neither remains in the outhouse. I don’t know why. Something watches her from outside. Finally, it sneaks underneath and drags her into the toilet. This is weird.

She climbs back out and limps away, crying for help. The gang doesn’t hear her though because they’re playing more punk music. Punk Rock is the enemy!

Finally, they pause the music and notice Neither’s shrieking. Dread walks outside to investigate but, just before Dread can open the door, FLASH ZOMBIE takes Neither.

Now you’re here, now you’re not. FLASH ZOMBIE!!!

00:42:46 What even is a Nazi Zombie anyway? Flash Zombie is totally cooler. If this movie continues to claim Nazi Zombies have Flash-like speed, I’m discrediting them from the zombie subgenre. Yes, I have this power! Get at me, Nazi Zombie Message Boards!

00:44:18 The guys go outside to investigate based on Dread’s uneasiness. Nothing happens. They return to the cabin to argue.

For some reason, Dread peers out a window and a figure reaches through the glass and grabs her.  Blonde saves Dread.

00:46:03 The boys retrieve all the guns in the cabin, which is apparently a lot. Like, they have an entire armory of weapons on stock now. Where did they even buy this cabin? They check outside and there is now an army of Nazi Zombies. The boys begin boarding up all the windows.

“Rawrrrrr! We don’t know how we’re here but we’re going to kill anyway!”

00:47:33 Despite boarding up the windows, Corden decides it’s cool if he stands next to one because reasons. A Nazi Zombie reaches in, grabs his head and rips it apart.

00:48:48 Alright, so now we’re back with Dudeee and he’s still stuck in the hole. But this hole is significantly bigger than a hole. It turns out to be a tunnel system? He escapes somehow by climbing out.

00:49:35 And now we’re back in the cabin. The gang is huddled up in a corner and conversing with each other. Apparently the Nazi Zombies have chosen to forego their previously seen Flash-like speed killing.

Alright, I’m scrapping the diary log mid-movie. Woahhh, right?? Shit’s crazy! I can’t follow this movie because: 1) I can’t keep track of the subtitles while typing, 2) this movie is really, very stupid, and 3) I have been drinking.

I’ll continue to rattle off major events and deaths as they occur but I’m not going to follow persistently. It’d just be a waste of your time and my buzz.

So, what to talk about? Let’s discuss ‘Flash Zombie’ for a little bit because this movie is, what? 93 minutes long? Shit, still have a while to go. Anyway! Flash Zombie! Is this possible? No. Can I still discuss it? Yes!

In case you don’t understand the reference, The Flash is a superhero who is really fast. Like, lightning fast. That’s all I can describe him as because I never actually read his comics. But what if he became a zombie, right? Would he still have his speed powers in the not-so-after-life?

This stems into the zombie versus infected argument. 28 Days Later introduced us to the infected subgenre of zombie films; they were the first ‘quick’ zombies. They were created because zombies just weren’t doing it for audiences in the early 2000’s….

Movie update: Dudeee is currently having a boxing match with a Nazi Zombie.

… so director Danny Boyle decided to make them fast. “That’ll bring fear back to the subgenre.” But then the classification went sideways thanks to the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Director Zack Snyder made his zombies fast and he legitimately called them zombies. Boyle at least called his infected. So perhaps Snyder can be credited with the introduction of the fast zombie? But I digress.

Zombies were first introduced as a villain with George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. They were slow and methodical. The danger resided in the accumulation of zombies. The more zombies there were, the less space there was to run; hence, you became overrun. The fast zombies were like a cheat code in Dawn of the Dead: Snyder had a lot of ‘em and they were all track stars. Like, come on, I bet more than 75% of those guys weren’t half that fast as living humans. Is the zombie gene a new form of steroid?

See what I mean? This could be a dilemma.

Oh, and Blonde just got her gut ripped open by Nazi Zombies.

So yeah, the basic argument is: are fast zombies still considered zombies? Or are they an anomaly and a misunderstanding of the original concept of zombies?

That took longer than I expected. Still have 25 minutes left of movie. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. It’s basically the gang all separated and being hunted by a horde of Nazi Zombies. Except these zombies are militarized, strategized and can think for themselves. They’re not actually zombies at all. This is all really, very stupid.

Oh, and Dread just died. She ended up being chased to the edge of a snow ledge by a single zombie. She stops, smirks at the zombie bro and begins jumping up and down to cause an avalanche. She does and both of them die. Trust me, you’re better off reading something else. I’m only writing still because I need to provide something in the way of content for this movie. I just never realized how bad it could be.

Ummm, what else? This has really turned blog-like, hasn’t it? I’ve been trying to keep away from that. Just so you all know, I am aware these entries are way too long for a blog. I just, I don’t know, want to create good, original content. I have a great time writing about horror movies but I also want to produce solid content…

WAIT! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Dread’s alive??? She somehow digs herself out of the avalanche. What the hell?

Anyway, about producing content. I feel like horror movies have given birth to a sort of community. A lot of these films are influenced by each other which make them easy to reference. And because there’s a sort of rule book to construct a horror movie, that makes it even more relatable. But horror movies are also born from ridiculous concepts. And that’s fan-fucking-tastic. With the ridiculous story and absence of physics, logic, whatever, the imagination can roam around realms untouched by other movie genres.

So that’s why I created this blog: to poke fun, to mock, to have fun watching horror movies and also contribute my own tales in the process.

Creativity!!!

Dudeee is dead. He just got stabbed, in a choreographed fashioned, by seven Nazi Zombies. They then, in sync, lifted him up and tore his limbs off. Like the fucking Rockettes. I am so glad I gave up covering this film half an hour ago.

“And cut! Perfectly synchronized, gentlemen! This will look great on Broadway!”

Alright, so I apologize for not posting as much content post-October. I’ve just been drawn away by a number of different things, whether that be life, job searching, other blogs that I run, etc. Probably the thing I’ve been working on most is a screenplay. It’s nearly finished; I’m currently on the 4th draft. I’ve been very knit picky.

Dread finally died. Ashton Kutcher stabbed her by accident.

The screenplay resides within the horror film realm but also mixes in science fiction and comedy. I’ve really enjoyed putting it together. We’ll see where that goes.

But I have plans laid out for Horror Holiday. I’m going to produce more diary logs, that’s a certain, but I also want to create a shared universe type of thing. Like, have articles that are self referential to previous content. That’s probably the best way to describe it: articles about horror films that I’ve covered.

I’ve been working on that off and on and I think I’ll launch one of the concepts after New Years. So keep posted on that.

So I guess Ashton Kutcher got bit in the arm. He decided to amputate to avoid being zombified (if that even happens in this universe. I think it’s a prerequisite to be a Nazi first). Anyway, he amputates but then a Nazi Zombies rises from beneath and bites his dick. Another source of infection? I don’t know.

Alright, 10 minutes left. So we covered the zombie subgenre argument, my apology for not posting as much content as I wished, the future of Horror Holiday, what else?

Four Eyes just died. He got his intestines stuck on a tree. I don’t know how that’s supposed to work but, nonetheless, Ashton Kutcher is the last one alive.

Okay, quick preview of the article types! I’m thinking of creating a statistical category for horror movie characters, kind of like baseball sabermetrics. I think that’d be a cool twist on how we analyze movies; creating a balanced playing field and finding a true player value. See, mom, I AM making my sports management major useful!!

King of Baseball Sabermetrics…

And probable Queen of Horror Sabermetrics.

And then another idea I had is to create Head2Head match ups between two different villains, characters, etc. So these are much more speculation based concepts and articles. They’ll be interesting to construct.

Ashton Kutcher finally makes it back to his vehicle. He struggles to buckle his seat belt (why!?) with his severed arm but then drops the keys. Upon retrieving them, he realizes he’s become surrounded by the entirety of the Third Reich. The screen goes to black and more punk rock plays over the credits. Red out Ashton Kutcher’s name please!

So that’s a wrap on Dead Snow! This was awful. Sorry about that. Hopefully you clicked out long ago. If not, I hope you enjoyed some random babbling. I owe y’all more content and you’ll get it.

To conclude, watch good horror movies; don’t be like me. Mistakes were made, prices were paid and now I wish a Flash Zombie actually existed. Only in my dreams.

Sources

• Dead Snow. Dir. Tommy Wirkola. Perf. Jeppe Beck Laurson, Charlotte Frogner. Eurforia Film, 2009.
• Cover Image

You’re Next

00:00:00 I don’t really know too much about this movie except that it’s good and it’s kind of meta. So with that, let’s get under way!

Horror Holiday presents You’re Next!

00:00:01 I also read that the screenwriter of this movie, Simon Barrett, also co-wrote a film called V/H/S about burglars breaking into a house to find sadistic tapes of the home owners brutal serial killing. That sounds hilarious and amazing. Is my humor too dark? Anyway, the movie’s starting now.

00:01:02 We fade in, like any good horror movie, to a sex scene! Can’t make a horror film without the obligatory sex scene. They finish and the man leaves to shower. The woman puts on some clothes and wanders out of the room. We’re officially putting her odds of survival within these next five minutes at (+350). Bet at your own risk.

00:02:09 She enters the kitchen, partly nude. Partial nudity increases the odds of her death, unfortunately. We got a POV from outside the house, in the woods, watching her. Long time, no see, Mrs. Voorhees!

00:02:20 She senses something; the unusual feeling of being watched. She opens the sliding glass door and peers out but nothing. She resumes her normal Tuesday activities, which happen to be blasting loud music throughout her house and drinking whiskey on the rocks.

00:03:37 The man continues to shower. He finally exits and takes a swig from an unoccupied whiskey glass. Ew dude, you don’t know where that’s been!

00:04:01 He glances over his shoulder, out the window and into the woods. He senses something strange as well. Man, this couple have some kick ass sixth sense because I can guarantee, as a regular horror viewer, shit’s about to go down! It’s just too bad they’re about to die and they couldn’t have used their sixth sense for, like, good and all.

00:04:17 The man strides over to the glass balcony door. In blood, “You’re Next” is streaked across. Beyond the glass, laying on the balcony is his wife, girlfriend, or prostitute. He slowly backs away but is struck by an intruder equipped with an animal farm mask. The intruder takes his machete and slices his victim.

I know that he’s a serial killer and all with a sadistic sense of fashion, but he’s really pretty cocky about calling out his next victim. “Pfff you’re next, bro. No, no, I promise, you are next. There’s a list and it must be done in chronological order.”

00:05:00 We transition to day, a Jeep Patriot drives down a desolate, country road. A couple ride in the vehicle. They gossip about neighbors.

“You hear Tommy from down the street is addicted to heroin now?”

“That’s nice, honey.”

00:05:57 The vehicle comes to a stop in front of a lovely brick house. They unpack and the man goes to unlock the door. “That’s funny,” he pauses, “it’s already open.”

00:06:37 They enter. Furniture is draped in white sheets so it appears that this is a vacation home of sorts. The man takes one look around the entry way. “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here,” he shrugs. Man, if only the couple from earlier could transfer their sixth sense to others.

00:07:03 Another car rides along windy roads, nighttime. A bearded man and a pretty woman sit in the front seats. The woman asks about the bearded man’s father. The man admits that his dad is retired from a defense contractor, KPG.

“Why? Is that a problem for you, babe? Having dinner with fascists?”

“No, no,” the woman laughs.

00:07:59 The woman’s name is Erin. They haven’t mentioned it yet but for the sake of coherency, her name is Erin.

00:08:00 We get a full exterior view of the vacation home and holy shit. This thing is massive and beautiful. Can I be retired from KPG too?

00:08:30 Within the house, the mother finishes cleaning. She’s startled from a thud upstairs. Then her husband abruptly steps in the room, talking about a furnace and shit, only startling her more. Jeez dude, stop giving your wife heart attacks; one jump scare at a time, please.

00:08:38 “You didn’t hear those footsteps upstairs?” The man shakes his head. “Oh no, we have to get out of here!” the wife panics. Wow. I applaud you, ma’am, for being amazing at avoiding horror movies. Oh, a noise that doesn’t belong to me or you? Let’s get the fuck out of here!

00:08:57 “Aubrey, no. You go outside, I’ll check the upstairs,” says her husband, Paul.

00:09:19 She argues but eventually lets him go because she knows that we need at least some conflict and intensity to make this a worthwhile horror movie. Aubrey knows her horror shit.

00:10:17 Paul checks the rooms, one by one, in the slowest and tensest way possible. Paul goes to open a closet door but is startled by his son and guest, Crispian.

“Hey dad!”

“NOT NOW SON, GODDAMNIT!”

00:11:26 Paul and Crispian head downstairs. The camera pans over to the closet door as it creaks open slightly. More guests!!

Crispian’s hobbies include playing hide n’ seek and scaring the shit out of his dad when he least expects it.

00:12:07 They go outside to retrieve Crispian’s bawling mother and meet Erin, Crispian’s girlfriend, fiance, or prostitute.

00:13:23 “Your folks seem cool,” Erin later converses with Crispian in their bedroom. “Some people would kill to have parents like yours.” Crispian tells her that the rest of his siblings will be in tomorrow for his parents anniversary.

00:14:22 Aubrey wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders throughout the mansion. Maybe she doesn’t know all the rules to horror…

00:14:51 We get another Mrs. Voorhees POV shot from outside the house, staring in on Aubrey. Nothing happens though. She walks out of the kitchen after her glass of water, shuts the lights off and we arrive at morning.

Don’t wander around the house at night, Aubrey! You know the rules to this game!

00:15:41 Crispian wakes up late and his siblings have already met Erin. The brother turns to Crispian. “Good morning. Ever see kangaroos fight?” Then he goes about attempting to sexually assault Crispian like a kangaroo. Good morning indeed.

00:16:44 The brother, Drake, proceeds to gossip about how Crispian used to be fat. Man, this Drake is one hell of a brother!

00:17:33 Erin tries to make nice with her future mother-in-law (always a scary prospect. If they made a whole movie like that, it’d be horrifying!)  Aubrey asks if she can see if the neighbor can loan some milk. I feel like I’ve heard that pick up line before but that was in college.

00:18:17 Erin wanders out the back door to find Paul and sons working on some barbecue. She takes their picture and reveals a somewhat British accent. Sorry, Karen Gillan, Sharni Vinson’s giving you some competition now!

There’s going to be a lot of Sharni Vinson pictures. That’s just something you’ll have to come to terms with.

00:19:10 Crispian and his father discuss Crispian’s career prospects. Crispian didn’t get a fellowship or something. “Too many applicants,” he adds. Considering he has a beard and could qualify as a hobbit, I’m going to sit here and imagine him being denied for the Fellowship of the Ring.

“Fucking Christ, we already have four hobbits! That’s enough,”  – – Gandalf the Grey 2:13

00:19:39 Drake heads upstairs to check on his wife, Kelly. “Where’d your brother find that girl?” Kelly asks of Erin. I don’t know but I’d love to know this information.

00:19:45 “I think she’s kind of annoying.” You shut your mouth when you’re speaking of Erin!

00:19:59 Drake gets touchy feely with Kelly. Apparently kangaroo fighting has really turned him on. Kelly isn’t having it though. Drake stares at her like a serial killer would. Not sure if that’s the best way to get in your wife’s pants, Drake.

00:20:10 He walks away. “We got any vicodin?” Because when stalker eyes don’t work, result to pain killers! What a stud!

00:20:14 Erin wanders down a dirt road towards the neighbors house. Aubrey must have sent her on a half mile walk for this fucking milk. She knocks on the door, music radiates from within the house. We see the CD player repeat the track, over and over again.

“Is anyone home?” Erin calls. The dead man from the beginning sits on the couch, still naked and still dead.

00:21:43 Night again. More siblings arrive with their significant others. Aubrey greets her daughter Aimee and son Felix. She also meets their boyfriends, girlfriends, prostitutes; Tariq and Zee, respectively.

This whole family has handsome, beautiful significant others and I’m over here like, where the fuck are they finding these people? Is it the goddamn KPG?? And why doesn’t anyone have normal names besides Erin!!!

00:22:02 Aubrey welcomes Zee, who greets her with a nod and a toke from her cigarette. First impressions aren’t that important, right?

00:22:54 The new arrivals meet the others in the dining room. Beautiful people galore!! “I just want you all to know,” Aubrey starts, “how wonderful it is for you all to be here on our 35th anniversary.” Fucking wonderful! Your children are all attractive and paired up with other attractive, probably rich people and they’re all here celebrating your successful marriage in your goddamn vacation mansion. Mazel tov. I need a fucking drink.

00:23:14 If my sorrow wasn’t enough, the movie shows another exterior shot of the mansion. It’s even bigger than I thought! *chugs rest of Merlot*

00:23:21 The family gathers for dinner. Before their massive fireplace, they say a prayer.

00:24:14 The siblings discuss and get to know each others significant others. Drake talks about commercials and how great they are, is an asshole. No one likes commercials, Drake! And don’t be giving BIG ADVERTISING any ideas now, you hear???

00:25:06 Now that Drake has properly humiliated Tariq, the underground documentarist, he turns his attention to Erin and Crispian, who are having too far of a good time for his liking. Hmm, hmmm what could really make me an asshole here?

“So Erin, are you still in school?” Nailed it!

00:25:10 “Yes, yes I am,” Erin answers proudly, “I’m finishing my last year of my masters in literature.”

00:25:20 The family gives joyous congrats. ‘That’s not good enough, Drake!’ says Drake’s inner monologue.

“So then, were you a student of Crispian?”

‘Yes, yes, that’s better! Totally gonna watch some kangaroo porn later and stare at my wife as she sleeps!’ – – That second part was my imagined Drake inner monologue, which doesn’t actually exist. Yes, something may be wrong with me.

00:25:23 “I was but not anymore,” Erin responds.

Drake nods and mumbles something into his wine glass.

“What was that?” Crispian challenges.

“Huh?”

“You said unprofessional, is there something you want to say?”

“Nope, no. Just agreeing with you.”

Things begin to get heated. Not so perfect anymore, are we, family???

Shouting erupts about judgment and who should judge who. Guys, guys! I’m right here, judging you all myself. Let me be the one to, um, judge.

(Are you guys uncomfortable with me breaking the 4th wall? Because I love it.)

00:26:25 “You are so jealous of me,” Drake jabs. Our 25 year old adult characters are now being portrayed by teenagers. Enjoy!

00:26:29 Documentarist Tariq is not impressed with this nonsense. He sits, staring forward, face laid on fist. His head cocks. He notices something unusual. The sixth sense has been transferred to this young padawan!

He abruptly rises from the table and strides towards the window. He stares. “Oh shit.”

An arrow penetrates Tariq’s forehead.

Oh no, Tariq. Your head! It’s… grown an arrow!!

00:27:17 The family stops arguing and witnesses Tariq as he falls. Please tell me you got that on tape! A documentarist’s last moments and you didn’t have a fucking camera rolling??

00:27:27 The family screams and scatters from the dining room table. More arrows fly through the window. Drake jolts up to pull his mother out of harm’s way but is pierced in the back by an arrow.

00:28:46 Erin gathers the panicking family behind some cover. Paul tries his cell phone but receives no service. “They must be using a cell phone jammer,” Felix shouts from his position across the room. “You can get them on the internet for like 30 bucks.” Holy fuck, what a bargain!! Thanks Felix@amazon.com!

00:28:53 “Felix, you fucking low life,” whines a withering Drake. Apparently an arrow to the knee, ahem, back can’t stop Drake from insulting people.

00:29:01 An arrow blasts through the glass and into the family portrait. Symbolism! The family screams more, as if the portrait acted as a bonded nerve amongst them.

00:29:46 The family ducks and run, one by one, until only Erin remains in the dining room. She inspects her surroundings and grabs a fire iron. She narrowly escapes an arrow and dives into the other room.

00:30:40 Drake begs for more pain killers which, actually, is now an appropriate time to take pain killers. Character development or…

00:31:14 Felix offers that the fastest runner should run out to the cars and get help. Drake and Crispian then begin arguing about who the fastest runner. Conflict, tragedy, murder; nothing can bring these two together!

00:31:25 Aimee sobs uncontrollably. “Nobody gives me credit for anything,” she complains through tears about her ability as a runner. Poor Aimee. Let’s give this one to her, guys, she needs it right now.

“Nobody’s running, okay?” Erin settles the dispute. But, but, what about Aimee’s feelings??

00:31:32 Apparently Erin’s assertion is being disregarded. “We believe in you, sweetie,” Paul props up his little girl!

“I mmm my mmmm,” Aimee mumbles in between sobs, “best time mmmmmm is 23 mmmmmm.”

00:32:12 Aimee rises and removes her heels (the real enemy here!). Paul and Felix man the doors, prepping them to unleash Aimee, the 23 something time runner! Prepare yourselves, murderers!

Aimee gets her running start. We go slow motion. Look at that acceleration!! The doors swing free. Aimee’s throat is torn open.

00:33:06 As the family gathers round bleeding out track star Aimee, Erin inspects the door. There’s a barbed wire strung across the entry way at neck height.

00:33:29 Aimee dies. I mean, counting slow motion, it was about 23 seconds or so. I think we have to give it to her, guys.

00:33:48 Erin looks on as the last of her blood trickles out of Aimee’s body. She turns and bolts up the stairs.

Crispian follows.

00:34:07 Erin begins locking the house the fuck down. Night of the Living Dead’s Ben would be proud. She runs into Crispian and tells him that texting 911 will be received by authorities as a voicemail. She tries but no data service is available.

Erin runs back downstairs. She checks on Drake. “It’s okay, I can’t feel it anymore.” Either that’s the drugs and, good! Or that’s really, really bad.

00:35:02 Erin locks the front door. Crispian comes back down the stairs. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“You’ve never seen me in this type of situation,” she answers.

00:35:22 Paul brings a distraught Aubrey up the stairs and to bed. He turns off the lights and leaves the room. Aubrey sobs.

A hand sneaks out from underneath her bed. The figure rises to reveal it’s animal farm mask. The Wolf-masked man raises his machete and swings.

00:37:26 The family hears a scream and runs up the staircase. Erin continues locking down the house until another animal masked man reaches through the window and grabs her. As if instinct, she stabs the man in the arm with a butcher’s knife. See what a masters in literature can get you?

Erin scrambles for another weapon but when she turns back around, the animal man is gone.

00:38:19 The family breaks into the room to find Aubrey‘s face macheted and and “You’re Next” bloodily written upon the wall. There goes Wile E. Coyote again, calling his shot. If his cartoon counterpart were as vindictive, the road runner would be fucked.

Paul freaks out and his sons cradle him as he cries.

00:39:30 Kelly stays behind in Aubrey’s room. She looks around for evidence of the murderer. She finds the window wide open so she shuts it.

Kelly returns to the bed and peeks underneath. Wile E. Coyote goes boo! Kelly runs out of the room screaming, down the stairs, past a catatonic Paul and out the door.

“Kelly!” her husband shouts. Drake runs after her. Kelly ducks underneath the barbed wire and so does Drake but Drake forgets there’s a goddamn arrow in his back so the arrow gets ripped further down his body. He faints at the doorstep.

00:41:04 Kelly continues running into the woods. A hidden figure admires her pace. And Aimee was the one bragging about her 40 time! Nonetheless, the hidden figure follows Kelly further into the woods.

00:41:57 Back at the mansion, Crispian lays out his plan: he’ll go get the car (because, by God, Kelly isn’t going to mock him with her sprinting speed!), swing it around and Erin, Felix and Zee will carry Drake and Paul to it.

“I’ll be right back,” Crispian promises Erin. Can we get a Jamie Kennedy shout out up in here?

Erin offers Crispian her butchers knife. He leaves and she shuts the door behind him.

00:42:23 Kelly’s half mile time trial brings her to a neighboring cabin. Sound familiar? It’s because it belongs to the dead naked man, that’s why!

She runs to the sliding glass door and, seeing the still dead and naked man propped up on the couch, begins pounding on the door.

Noticing a reflection, she turns and is punched in the face by a Lamb-faced murderer. She falls through the sliding glass and, finally, the music escapes the confines of the house and is shared with all of us!

*covering ears* IT’S SO FUCKING LOUD!!!

00:43:26 Crispian finds the vehicles disabled by the attackers. He sighs.

00:43:53 Meanwhile, MORE LOUD MUSIC. KELLY DESPERATELY CRAWLS AS HER ATTACKER FOLLOWS. HE THROWS HER THROUGH A GLASS TABLE (IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE FUCKING MADE OF GLASS?) AND GOLF SWINGS HIS AX INTO THE SIDE OF HER HEAD.

The music ends. I’m not sure if you heard me, but Kelly just got got with a 5 iron. The CD repeats. Fucking Christ.

Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a deep breath, admires his work (that’s a hole in one, I’d say!) and sits down on the couch next to dead, naked guy.

“So what’s on HBO tonight?”

00:45:38 Back at the mansion, Crispian and others discuss a new plan. “I’m going to go to the neighbors,” he offers. Don’t go to the neighbors, dude. But, if you do, bring ear plugs because THE MUSIC IS FUCKING LOUD THERE!

Crispian once again promises Erin he’ll be right back. You’re running out of your nine lives, dude.

00:47:14 Crispian leaves, Erin shuts the door behind him. She turns to Paul and calmly states, “I think it’s safe to say that one’s still inside.”

Erin makes another plan: bunker up in one of the rooms and border up the windows, she instructs. Erin confidently strides into the kitchen. She grabs more weapons. How many butcher knives does this family own? Did Aubrey get visited by CutCo or something?

As she is carrying her findings back to the faction, Kelly’s body is thrust through the dining room window. Erin falls to the ground and the family scatters. An attacker masked as a Bear Cat enters through the shattered window.

Bear Cat’s here to party!

00:49:04 Bear Cat swings his ax at the fallen Erin, who rolls and dodges it. She kicks him in the balls, rolls again, grabs a kitchen meat pounder and strikes him in the knee. Then she swings it at the back of his head as he withers in pain.

Bear Cat screams in agony. Erin strikes again, incapacitating him.

Bear Cat falls unconscious. Erin mounts his back and continues swinging the meat pounder into his head over and over. Felix and Zee look on with confusion.

00:49:48 Erin concludes her pulverizing and settles. She unmasks the man. “Anybody know this guy?” she asks for identification from the beaten-in face of the intruder.

“It’s kind of hard to tell,” Felix admits.

00:50:13 Oh and sorry if I didn’t make this clear but the tides have fucking turned.

00:51:10 “Where’s your dad?” Erin asks Felix.

Meanwhile, Paul wanders around upstairs wielding a butchers knife. He enters the closet he nearly investigated earlier and finds bottled water and other supplies. The power goes out within the mansion.

Sup, Paul?

00:52:54 Erin goes to find the circuit breaker in the basement but Paul reboots the power from upstairs. The lights come back on and he finds Felix and Zee.

He warns that the attackers must be watching them. He back peddles away from Felix and Zee, explaining as he goes. He walks into another room and Wile E. Coyote slits his throat with a machete.

Paul continues stumbling backwards into a coffee table. Felix and Zee look on as his blood vacates their vessels.

00:53:31 Wile E. Coyote waddles over to Felix and Zee. Felix side eyes the attacker. “Really? You had to do that in front of me?”

Wile E. Coyote turns to face Felix. He removes his iPod ear buds. “Were you saying something to me?”

Zee and Wile E. Coyote admire their destruction as Felix wanders off to wash up.

00:54:09 Oh and if I didn’t make it clear enough, FUCKING PLOT TWIST, GUYS!!

00:54:26 Erin continues exploring the basement. Mary Had A Little Lamb enters the mansion, crossbow locked, cocked.

Erin notices sounds coming from upstairs and she begins her climb back to the dining room.

00:55:40 Mary Had A Little Lamb discovers a dead Bear Cat and, in sorrow, flips over the dining room table. Aubrey worked so hard to prepare that meal too!

“Will you just look at this mess!”

00:56:02 As Mary Had A Little Lamb regroups, Erin grabs a screwdriver from a nearby toolbox at the foot of the basement stairs.

Mary Had A Little Lamb removes his mask to wipe his eyes when he notices noise coming from the cellar door. He investigates and sees Erin’s eye peering out the key hole. He hacks at the door with an ax.

00:57:51 Drake awakes from his arrow-induced coma and stumbles into the room. “Hey,” he offers to the man who killed his wife as he was sleeping.

Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a few intimidating steps forward and Drake trips backwards. Erin then bolts out from her hiding place and stabs Mary Had A Little Lamb in the back.

Drake grabs the ax and, suddenly outnumbered, Mary Had A Little Lamb runs out the front door. Erin locks it behind him.

00:58:38 Erin and Drake exchange niceties and catch up on recent events. “Where’s Kelly?”

“I don’t know,” Erin lies.

Felix and Zee run down the stairs. “What happened? We heard noises so we stayed upstairs.” Thanks, assholes.

00:58:58 “One of them came and attacked us,” Erin recounts as she helps Drake to his feet. “I stabbed him and he ran away.”

“You stabbed him?” Felix scoffs in impressed disbelief. Awwww, was that one of your college buddies, Felix?

“Yup,” Erin nonchalantly confirms. “Is dad okay?”

“Yeah he just,” Felix grits, “he just needed to lie down.” In his death bed, that is!

“How many do you think there are?” Zee speaks for perhaps the first time in the movie.

Erin blows a strand of hair out of her face. “Perhaps two more of them.”

“Well maybe they’re gone,” Zee probes, “maybe you scared them off.”

Rolling her eyes, Erin quips, “let’s not count on that.”

Erin recommends they get supplies from the basement.

Felix and Zee witness the carnage.

00:59:47 The film shows the exterior of the mansion again and I realize I do not want that home anymore.

01:00:06 Erin collects tools and her and Zee return to the dining room to construct some booby traps. She shows Zee how to properly put a nail through a 2×4. Zee looks on disinterested.

Zee picks up a hammer and inspects it. “Can I ask you a personal question? How do you know all this?”

“Well I kind of grew up on a survivalist compound. I haven’t even told Crispian yet.”

“Good answer,” Zee nods, impressed.

Erin continues: “When my dad grew paranoid, I became convinced that the world would run out of resources in a matter of years. So myself and a bunch of guys moved out to the outback.”

“Wow,” Zee mumbles, “that’s crazy.”

01:01:47  Drake and Felix review available supplies down in the basement. “I’ve gotta go looking for Crispian and Kelly,” Drake says.

“Drake, what are you talking about?” Felix utters. “Kelly’s dead.”

Drake’s face contorts. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t know,” Felix defends.

Felix continues on and Drake yells at him. “Shut up, stop talking!” he wails. Felix stabs Drake in the gut with a screwdriver.

“I’m sorry,” Felix says as he inserts another screwdriver into his brother’s abdomen. Felix isn’t that sorry.

Drake still stands as Felix repeatedly stabs him. “Will you just die already?” Felix asks. Drake staggers back and notices 7 different instruments penetrating the front of his body. Damn, if this isn’t an endorsement for Vicoden, I don’t know what is!

Drake finally falls.

01:04:16 In the dining room, Erin places her nailed 2×4 traps at the foot of the vulnerable windows. Zee firmly grasps one of the nailed wooden panels. She rises and raises it over Erin’s distracted body. Erin turns. “You done with that one?” Zee mhmms.

Erin says she’ll check upstairs for more supplies. “Don’t do that, I’ll go,” Zee offers. Erin looks at her quizzically.

“You want to come with me? We can go together.”

“No, that’s okay. I can stay here,” Zee backtracks.

“Okay, be careful,” Erin warns as she leaves. Zee watches her briefly then follows.

01:05:41 Erin investigates the second level, armed with her meat pounder. Downstairs, Zee unlocks the front door.

Erin enters one of the bedrooms to find a long-dead Paul. As she inspects the body, a machete clad figure approaches from behind.

Aware, she swivels and throws her meat pounder but misses. She runs and jumps out the bedroom window.

01:06:54 She lands roughly on the ground and notices a piece of glass protruding from her thigh. She glances up and Wile E. Coyote stares down at her from the broken window. She crawls forward and away into the woods.

Poor Erin

01:07:22 Within the solitude provided by the woods, she reveals a pocket flashlight. She removes the glass from her thigh. She then notices a discarded arrow laid upon the leaves. She turns and Mary Had A Little Lamb welcomes her with his crossbow.

He shoots but misses. She staggers back out of the woods and towards the mansion.

01:08:26 She enters through the front door and hides behind the living room curtains. She uses a piece of cloth to secure her leg wound.

01:08:52 Mary Had A Little Lamb approaches from outside. Crossbow in hand, he peeks through an open window. He notices one of the nailed wooden traps that Erin has set. He carefully climbs through but fails to notice the second nailed wooden trap. It penetrates his foot.

01:10:03 Felix, Zee and Wile E. Coyote recognize Mary Had A Little Lamb’s cries from within Aubrey’s bedroom. Wile E. Coyote reapplies his mask and goes to work.

01:10:14 By the way, Crispian is still a character that is in this movie. He’s either long dead, one of the attackers or out for help. But we have yet to hear from him since he left for the neighbors. Maybe he finally turned their music off and is chilling with naked dead guy.

01:10:34 Felix sits down on his dead mother’s bed and Zee mounts him. They make out and she removes her shirt. “I’m not really in the mood now, Zee.” That’s probably normal given your girlfriend is trying to fuck you on your mother’s corpse.

“You never want to do anything interesting,” Zee complains.

“I don’t think that is fair criticism,” Felix gawks at his obviously psychotic girlfriend.

“Fuck me next to your dead mom then,” Zee dirty talks. Ummmm fucking no, bitch. Felix throws her off his crotch and leaves. Like the psychotic fucker she is, Zee removes Aubrey’s wedding ring from her cold fingers and admires it on her own. Time to get a new girlfriend, Felix.

01:11:38 Wile E. Coyote helps Mary Had A Little Lamb remove the nail from his foot in the dining room. Felix and Zee enter. They complain about the fluidity of the plan. Mary Had A Little Lamb admits that Bear Cat was his brother. Fraternity brother or, like, blood brother. I can’t tell the difference with you college students and your pranks anymore.

Erin listens from her hiding spot.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you guys were all related,” Felix apologizes to the killers. Mary Had A Little Lamb pins Felix to a wall. He threatens him but Felix renegotiates their price offer. “You just need to finish this and we’re through.” Mary Had A Little Lamb releases Felix.

01:13:48 Erin’s phone rings.

01:13:53 Wile E. Coyote rolls his eyes. “I got it.”

A text message reveals that 911 has received Erin’s emergency text. Nice going, 911. Always proving to be the least helpful in dire situations for our horror victims.

01:14:07 Wile E. approaches with his machete. Erin waits in attack position. He rips open the curtains and Erin throat punches him. Fuck yeah!

She limps away into the kitchen and through the backdoor. The attackers follow.

Erin climbs back in through an open window as Felix, Zee and Wile E. run out into the yard.

Mary Had A Little Lamb limps after but notices something unusual with the side window. He drags his numb foot over and peeks in. Erin stabs him in the face with a knife.

Mary Had A Little Lamb stumbles backwards and falls. Another lamb bites the dust.

01:16:21 Erin claims the ax and retreats into the basement. She grabs a roll of string, a brick and gets to work. Home Alone 4!

Hells yeah!!

01:16:50 Erin sets a deadly trap at the front door.

01:17:20 Meanwhile, the others wander around outside looking for her. Wile E. Coyote tells Felix that he’s going back inside, that they can continue looking for Erin without him. Felix complains about lack of weaponry so he steals the crossbow.

Wile E. giggles. “You even know how to use that?”

“You aim and shoot, right?”

Wile E. giggles again and Felix huffs off.

01:18:28 Erin peers outside as Wile E. climbs through a window behind her. Aware, she runs back down into the cellar. He pursues.

Erin retrieves a second brick and smashes out the overhead light bulb, cloaking the cellar in darkness.

01:19:18 Wile E. enters. He holds his machete like a baseball bat. Erin hides as a steady strobe of flashes briefly light up the room.

Wile E. discovers the source of the flash. It’s a camera. Erin uses this opportunity to strike the killer. She mounts and beats Wile E. into a pulp.

01:20:45 Erin returns to the living room, her limp slightly disabling her. She surveys the room but Felix shoots the crossbow through the window. Zee and him run up to investigate but don’t find a body.

Zee further pursues into the house with the crossbow as Felix goes to the car and grabs a pocket knife.

01:22:35 Zee tip toes into the kitchen where Erin strikes her. They struggle as Felix enters. Erin dumps previously boiling water on him but it’s since gone cold. He mocks her but steps forward and slips.

Zee bites Erin’s hand. Erin takes and swings a cooking pot at Zee’s head. They strangle each other and Felix stabs Erin’s shoulder with the knife. Erin releases, takes the blender and stabs the blending bit into Felix’s skull. She plugs in the kitchen device and blends Felix’s brains.

That enough action for you? No?

Zee gags but recovers. Erin removes the pocket knife from her shoulder and pierces Zee’s skull.

Erin finally sits down, flanked by her two dead rivals. She catches her breath and caresses her new wound. She reaches into Felix’s pocket and retrieves his cell phone.

She puts it up to her ear and listens.

“Felix,” Crispian says, “is it all done in there or what?”

Erin continues listening. “Look, I know you’re pissed at me for not helping but I couldn’t do it, man. I told you this might happen. I saw mom and… the blood and… I just can’t deal with the violent stuff. Come on, man, I can hear you breathing on the other end of the phone. Felix? It’s fucking freezing out here, I’m coming inside.”

01:25:51 Crispian climbs in the window. He looks down at his cell phone, the call is ended. He turns around to find Erin, with Felix’s cell phone, glaring at him.

“Oh Erin, you’re okay. Where’s Felix?”

“I stuck his head in the blender.”

“Oh.”

“You were going to kill me,” Erin mutters to Crispian.

“No,” Crispian defends, “you were supposed to be the witness.”

Crispian continues explaining how she was supposed to be left unharmed.

He stops. “Where is Zee?”

“I killed her too.”

“Ah. Totally understand.”

He begins apologizing and compliments her for her killing ability. If she hadn’t been such a bad ass, he says, they would have been rich and heading off for a vacation right now. Crispian, this would be the perfect time to propose! Isn’t the mood lovely?

He continues on about how perfect they are for each other as Erin perpetually glares. He walks ever closer.

“I love you,” he concludes.

Erin breaks posture and stabs Crispian in the neck. Then the eye.

My hero!!

01:30:22 Erin stands above Crispian’s bleeding body as a gun shot rings out. Erin falls. We see a police man poking his gun through the broken window. He surveys the scene with astonishment and leaves.

Erin struggles for oxygen. She begins to crawl.

01:31:19 The police man returns to his cruiser and radios in back up. He approaches the front door to reenter the house.

Erin crawls towards the hallway as the front door opens.

“No, don’t!” she warns.

The police man enters and the ax trap hits him. The screen becomes soaked in blood with the words

YOU’RE NEXT.

End Credits

That’s a wrap on You’re Next! Great movie and I believe I found my new love interest in Sharni Vinson. She’s beautiful and a bad ass and will protect me from serial killers forever and ever.

So we learned that happy, rich families are probably not invulnerable to generational murder (like princes assassinating kings!), always do a background check on your student-turned-girlfriend and Vicoden turns you into the Hulk. Drake feel no more pain!!!

Sources

• You’re Next. Dir. Adam Wingard. Perf. Sharni Vinson, Joe Swanberg. HanWay Films, 2011.
• Cover Image

Night of the Living Dead

00:00:00 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the beginning of all things undead. In 1968, a 20-something year old director by the name of George A. Romero made his first feature length film. This film would spawn the creative influence for dozens upon dozens of horror films. Welcome to the Night of the Living Dead.

00:00:27 We open on a windy dirt road. A lone car drives along heading north. An organist needlessly pounds on his keys, inspiring Hans Zimmer for the score of Interstellar.

00:01:37 The car takes a steady turn into a cemetery and drives past rows on rows of tombstones. It finally comes to a stop.

00:02:20 Within the car is a man and a woman. The woman is blonde and the man wears glasses. Their personalities are probably as such.

00:02:25 The woman complains about day-light savings time. See! Even in 1968 people were confused as fuck about the clocks turning back!

00:03:09 The two are siblings and they’ve come three hours to place a single wreath on their father’s grave. “I don’t even remember the man,” four-eyes complains.

“Well it pleases mother,” the blonde answers. Hopefully this ‘mother’ figure isn’t taxidermied. Was that a popular theme in black-and-white horror films or was that just a one time thing?

00:03:20 Just as four-eyes is about to exit the vehicle, his car radio jolts to life. He questions it but turns the car off anyway.

00:03:50 So nobody has called each other by their names yet. I had to look characters up because I don’t really feel like calling them ‘blonde’ and ‘four-eyes.’ Not today, at least. So the dude is Johnny and the dudette is Barbra.

00:04:05 The siblings struggle to find the grave. How much would that suck? You reluctantly drive three hours to place a wreath on some dude’s grave and you can’t find the tombstone. Do you just, like, punt the wreath? Or is it like a lottery system? “Here! This tombstone looks worthy!”

I’m sorry, that’s insensitive. Let’s do whoever rises from the dead fastest wins the wreath!

00:04:15 Oh we found it! Or we are just saying we found it. “You’re our new father!”

00:04:30 Johnny sets the wreath down. “I wonder what happened to the one from last year.” Ummm it’s a wreath, Johnny; it’s not going to last a whole year. Your brand-new-undead-father probably reached up and brought it six feet under right after you left. Awww!

00:05:11 Barbra kneels to say a prayer. After ten seconds, Johnny goads her that she’s taking too long. Immediately after the words fall out of his mouth, thunder claps. You shall be smited for your ignorance, four-eyes!!!

00:05:22 Johnny turns to see that they have a visitor. About 50 feet away, an old man stumbles along aimlessly. Johnny thinks nothing of it.

00:05:43 Johnny puts on some kick ass leather driving gloves as he brags about not going to church. This guy doesn’t give a fuck about God’s potential smiting ability!

“I fear not of potential smiting!”

00:06:11 Johnny reminds Barbra about a time when he scared her by jumping out from behind a tombstone. No matter if this was, like, 25 years ago, Barbra still gets pissed and scolds Johnny. I guess graveyard pranking doesn’t have a statute of limitations. Someone note that somewhere.

00:06:12 “They’re coming to get you, Barbra,” Johnny mocks. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed the most infamous horror line next to, “Here’s Johnny.” Well, probably third overall because, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum,” trumps everything. There will be no further debates! This decision is final!

00:06:22 Barbra is annoyed but Johnny keeps repeating the line. He turns to the old, stumbling man. “Look! Here he comes now!” Haha, very funny to pick on the old man, Johnny. Johnny runs past. Barbra tries to be respectful and walk gently by the old man.

00:06:38 WHO THEN GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AND TRIES TO GNAW HER FACE CLEAN OFF!

00:06:56 Johnny rushes over and throws Barbra out of the way. They struggle until the old man (is that Peter Capaldi!?) slams Johnny’s head against a tombstone.

00:07:22 With Johnny unconscious, Peter Capaldi sets his sights on Barbra. She runs to the car and locks the doors. Capaldi tries to break in but his methods are merely to open-fist the glass until something positive happens.

00:07:45 So kids, what did we learn? Don’t act respectful to strangers in graveyards. They may potentially murder you.

00:08:14 Oh my God! They’re learning! Capaldi grabs a rock and breaks the passenger window. Barbra (who doesn’t have the keys) shifts the car’s parking brake into neutral. She glides a quarter mile until she crashes into a tree.

00:09:11 With Capaldi en route, Barbra exits the vehicle and begins to run. She ventures through the woods to find a lone house in the middle of nowhere. Seems legit!

00:10:03 She scrambles looking for a hiding spot but apparently can’t find one. She peers around the house and Capaldi is stumbling at a brisk walk through the woods towards her. Stop staring! He’s obviously not the young chap he once was!

00:10:19 Barbra finally enters the house and boards the door. She investigates the premises but all that she finds are mounted deer heads. Are they zombies too?! Are we allowed to use the zed word? I’m going to refer to Nick Frost; will have an answer in a few.

00:11:58 Capaldi wanders outside the house. Let the old man in! He obviously needs his afternoon tea and crumpets!

00:12:16 Barbra peers out a window and witnesses more zombies (or zeds) approaching! Capaldi has friends!

00:12:25 Barbra tries the telephone but the receiver is unhooked. What kind of home is this?? This isn’t welcoming at all! Why has Capaldi and his friends not yet been offered tea and fucking crumpets!!

00:13:07 Barbra runs upstairs and finds a partially-eaten body. I’m hoping to God that wasn’t the maid. Capaldi promised his friends at least a biscuit.

00:13:22 By the way, this has escalated quickly! And you thought Drew Barrymore had it bad!

Run away! It’s Zombie Capaldi!!

00:13:42 Panicking, Barbra rushes out the back door but runs directly into non-zombie guy. He looks over his shoulder at the rising count of zed and friends, shrugs and pushes Barbra back into the house.

00:13:59 The African-American man locks the door and casually turns to Barbra. “It’s alright,” he says. Yup, no big deal. Just a bunch of hungry undead Brits coming to rip your soul clean out of it’s flesh. “I can handle him, don’t worry about him,” this super hero of a mystery man continues, “it’s the lot more that’ll come that I’m worried about.”

Well, Super Hero, sir, if you portray as calm of an attitude towards the others as you are of Zed Peter Capaldi, I’ll feel perfectly safe. This man is a goddamn zombie whisperer!

00:14:03 Just got confirmation from Nick Frost: zombies are ridiculous; we are going with zed until further notice. Nobody is allowed to say the zed word unless our Super Hero utters it first!

00:14:20 Super Hero discusses potential escape routes to himself because Barbra is practically catatonic. Our Super Hero simply sighs and tries to phone; no dial tone.

00:14:45 Barbra is so shocked that she has yet to speak. BARBRA! This man is basically Superman and he is here to saveeeee you! Calm down!

00:15:01 Superman starts rattling off ideas for an escape. Food! Rationing! Weapons! Escape routes! This man is a genius under pressure!

00:16:30 The Zeds start destroying the escape vehicle as the Barbra and Superman watch from inside the house. The Zeds are becoming aware!!!

00:16:55 Superman swaggers outside and beats the undead shit out of two of the zeds. This man is immune to your undeadness!

00:17:41 Meanwhile, one zed sneaks into the house. It goes for Barbra but, sensing a disturbance in the force, Superman rushes inside and destroys it’s mush for brains with a crow bar.

00:18:37 He finds another zed trying to enter the house and beats up that one as well. He finally barricades the door as many more come stumbling out of the woods.

00:19:13 Barbra begins to stare into one of the undead’s dead eyes. “Don’t look at it!” Superman yells. Are they weeping angels as well!? That’d be fucking terrifying!

00:19:41 Superman drags the dead undead body outside. He glances up and witnesses other Zed approaching ever closer. Like a bad ass, he casually gets on one knee and burns the dead undead body in front of it’s peers. This guy is awesome!!

00:20:51 Superman scavenges for weapons of mass destruction such as hammers, knives, crowbars. He then uncovers nails. “We have to board this place up.” I feel like our hero stumbled out of Die Hard and mistakenly found his way into a horror movie.

No sir, you must sit in a corner and wait for the bad guys to come to youuuuu. Stop barricading the house! You’re making it too difficult for our villain!

00:21:21 Barbra is still not helping in the slightest. Maybe our dude can negotiate a trade with the Zed team. Peter Capaldi for Barbra? Who says no??

00:21:23 Superman halts all of the productive things he is doing to try and reason with Barbra. “Please help me,” is what he basically says. He finally receives a subtle nod. She goes into the next room to stare at the mounted animal heads and a music box. Very productive, Barbra.

00:22:49 Alright, so since Barbra has been too rude to ask this fine gentleman’s name, I will look it up. People are so informal in this movie. Superman’s secret identity is Ben. So Ben goes about ripping off all of the interior closet doors to use as wood for boarding down windows. Ben is a goddamn genius.

Ben deserves his own action-adventure movie franchise.

00:23:47 Barbra finally limps over and helps Ben hold up a door being nailed in. Barbra is now equaling about 0.1 wins above replacement (for all you baseball junkies. Someone write this down: project wins above replacement [W.A.R.] for horror movie characters. I have an ill feeling many of the candidates will project well below zero.)

00:24:36 Meanwhile, Ben has secured the entire house. I don’t know what the undead have been doing this whole time but I pray to God it’s a dance party.

00:25:24 As Ben dismantles the dining room table, he attempts small talk with Barbra who is still gravely silent. I don’t know, Ben. Unless she starts articulating actual words soon, I think we may have to consider her one of the zed. She’s a spy!!!

00:25:41 Ben informs Barbra about how he got to this house. He encountered his first zed by Beekman’s Diner. They were chasing a gas truck. The gas truck tipped and flew into the diner. Ben escaped by taking a random vehicle and getting the hell out of there. Ben = unkillable.

00:27:37 Ben tells the viewer (because who the fuck knows if Barbra is even listening) about how he plowed through about 60 of those guys trying to escape.

00:28:00 “We were riding through the cemetery,” Barbra speaks! “Johnny and me.”

00:28:21 “We came to put a wreath on my father’s grave,” Barbra continues breathlessly, “Johnny and me. And he said, ‘can I have some candy, Barbra?’ And we didn’t have any.”

00:28:45 Barbra begins to emotionally break down again. Don’t plan on hearing from her for another 30 minutes.

00:28:52 “And then he said, ‘ohh, it’s late,’” Barbra’s battling through! This is considered character development, right? “‘Why did we start so late?’ and I said, ‘Johnny, if you’d gotten up early, we wouldn’t be so late.”

00:29:09 “Johnny asked if I was afraid. And I said, ‘I’m not afraid, Johnny.’” I’m pretty sure your words were more along the lines of, “fuck off, Johnny. Grow up, stop being such a child.” Those were some kind last words.

00:29:12 “And then this man started coming up the road,” Barbra gulps back tears, “Johnny kept saying, ‘he’s coming to get you, Barbra.’” Johnny is starting to sound like a dick.

00:29:35 “And then Johnny ran away. I went up to this man and was going to apologize…” Ben has continued boarding up the windows with the dismantled dining room table. I don’t know if he actually gives a fuck about Barbra’s story of her dick-head brother.

00:29:40 Ben finally interrupts her, “why don’t you just keep calm?” I think he liked her more when she was a mute. Barbra’s WAR is trending downwards.

00:29:48 “… and then he grabbed me!” Barbra piles on, “and he ripped at me and my clothes!”

00:29:58 Ben raises his voice. “I think you should just calm down.” That’s Ben politely saying, “I’m sick of your shit, Barbra. I’ve already beat up 64 of these fuckers and lit one on fire. I’m basically their king. So unless you plan on ripping apart these dining room chairs, please shut the fuck up.”

00:30:02 “… and then I screamed,” *sigh* “… Johnny! Johnny, help me!”

00:30:39 Barbra continued but I zoned out.

00:30:41 “We have to go back.” What?? “We have to go back for Johnny.”

00:30:54 Barbra continues to beg Ben but Ben is a bit preoccupied with locking this house the fuck down.

00:31:01 She now rises and screams, “Johnny,” at Ben. She pulls Ben away from the 2×4 he was nailing in. Christ, Barbra, if you gave a shit about Johnny you shouldn’t have been a mute for the last few hours.

00:31:10 Ben tells Barbra that her brother is most likely dead to which she reacts by ripping down all of Ben’s hard work to get outside. WAR’s quickly declining! I think it’s near time to kick her off the team, Ben!

00:31:17 Barbra then slaps Ben. Ben slaps Barbra. Well, this is awkward.

00:31:24 Then she fucking faints?! Barbra is being so unproductive!

00:32:07 Finally with a few minutes of silence, Ben tunes into the radio. It appears that this chaos is wide spread. “There is an epidemic of mass murder,” says the broadcast. I’ll say! “… by a virtual army of unidentified assassins. It appears to be a sudden general explosion of mass homicide.” By the way, that’s the most professional statement you’re going to hear about a zombie outbreak.

00:32:41 I meant Zed! Shit!

00:33:08 Ben glances out the window. The undead seem to be congregating around his vehicle. Maybe they want to take it for a test drive. Are they aware enough to negotiate a deal?

00:34:11 Ben makes a fire in the fireplace and creates a torch using the leg of the dining room table. He ignites it and lights a couch aflame. He then kicks it outside towards the unidentified zed and they get scared. Boo!

00:36:15 Ben continues his house lock-down. This house is now a goddamn fortress!

00:37:08 He rummages through a closet and uncovers a rifle and a number of rounds. Score!!!

00:37:41 Barbra’s finally awake. Ben updates her on their situation. Barbra refuses to speak. Again. It’s like a five step process with her.

00:39:06 Ben goes upstairs to get a better vantage point with the rifle. The radio drones on: “murder victims show evidence of having been… partially… devoured by their murderers.” Yeahhhh that’s not good.

00:39:15 Ben walks past the half-eaten woman from earlier. I feel like there should be a greater concern as to how she got in that state. He decides to drag her into another room and lock the door.

00:40:03 Broadcast: “… the killers are eating the flesh of their victims.” The radio announcer sounds aghast yet slightly fascinated reporting this news. I wonder, in the back of his mind, if he’s all like, “I’m killing it tonight! Figuratively, that is. I am so in line for that next promotion!”

00:40:45 A hidden door within the living room creaks open and two men pop out, surprising catatonic Barbra. Ben rushes downstairs to investigate.

00:41:10 Ben merely shrugs when he finds the intruders to be living humans. “I could have used help up here, you know.”

“Well that’s the cellar. It’s the safest place,” the man replies.

LOL Ben! Your hard work was for naught!

00:42:02 They argue about social responsibility and who should be helping who. I always find it curious that, when faced with an undead conflict, there is always a larger conflict among the living. Same team, guys!!

00:42:23 Now this one balding dude is arguing that the cellar is the safest place while Ben is convinced that he has the first floor boarded up well enough. How about everyone returns to where they were five minutes ago, huh? Except the undead get to take Barbra.

00:44:16 We’re still arguing. Team Cellar vs Team First Floor. Balding dude is strongly Team Cellar and Ben is pro-Team First Floor. There’s some other dude with a Caesar hair-cut who is split in between and then there’s Barbra, who is just sitting on the couch staring into her lap.

00:44:33 Oh shit. Caesar’s got some balls; he starts yelling at balding dude that the cellar can be the alternative plan in case the first floor is broken into. Let’s all share!

00:44:35 So Balding dude is Mr. Cooper. Caesar-cut will remain Caesar because of reasons.

00:44:58 One of the Zed attempts to break in a window. They grab at Ben’s clothing but Caesar grabs a hammer and starts hacking away. Ben finally aims his rifle and fires a round through Zed’s chest. It recoils but returns to the window.

Ben discharges another round but Zed remains unfazed. Finally, Ben busts a cap in Zed’s head and it falls.

00:46:21 More Zed have been attracted by the gunfire.

00:46:49 I just realized Mr. Cooper looks exactly like Rob Corddry from Hot Tub Time Machine. Is that how he originally got here?!

Rob Corddry doesn’t give a shit about your zed problem!

00:47:35 Anddd we’re back to arguing about Team Cellar and Team First Floor. Impending undead be damned! Ben calls Mr. Cooper ‘dumb’ twice within the same sentence. This guy’s a boss.

00:48:18 Mr. Cooper finally chooses the cellar. Before he locks it, Caesar calls his girlfriend, Judy, up to join Team First Floor.

00:48:52 Barbra remains motionless on the couch. Did the script forget that she existed and production fail to give her dialogue?

“So, ummmm, Barbra hasn’t had a line of dialogue in about 20 minutes so let’s have her sit catatonic on the couch during all of this.”

00:49:17 Mr. Cooper returns to his wife, Helen, and their sick child, Karen. Karen lies unconscious on a table. Mr. Cooper begins smoking. Sure, that’s healthy for your sick child. He then sits down next to her. Go ahead, keep puffing away, maybe she’ll recover faster with all of your second hand smoke.

00:50:43 Helen is pissed at Cooper when he admits that there’s a radio upstairs yet he boarded them down in the cellar. Helen is quietly a Team First Floor-er.

00:51:50 Helen calls up the stairs to Caesar. They (for some reason) negotiate a trade of Cooper and herself for Judy. Guys, just combine already! There’s no need for trading teams!

Cooper and his family: a house divided by a mere floor.

00:52:30 So Judy is supposed to watch the sick child. I guess Team First Floor doesn’t allow potential undead. I’m still confused why they let Barbra up there then…

00:54:00 With the guys working on the house, Helen sits down across from Barbra and begins to smoke. Barbra’s head shoots up when she hears a match strike. “Don’t worry, dear,” Helen comforts, “I’m Helen. Cooper’s wife.” Like that’s supposed to mean something.

00:55:27 Cooper bitches about Barbra’s ineptitude. Ben yells at him to shut up. I mean, he’s not wrong.

00:55:55 Caesar gets the television running. They watch a newscast update on their current predicament.

“The report reads: those who have died have been coming back to life and committing acts of murder,” the newscaster reads from a sheet of paper, “we have reached the conclusion that the unburied dead are coming back to life and seeking human victims.” Well, time to take a couple sick days on account of all hell breaking loose.

00:57:50 The newscaster speculates possible causes. He says the White House believes that a recently returned NASA satellite which had orbited Venus could be producing high amounts of radiation to which is causing this undead outbreak. Well, that’s a new theory. And by new I mean the original theory of zed-based outbreaks. How come we crossed Venus radiation off our list of causes so early, huh Hollywood???

01:00:24 Caesar shares the story about how Judy and himself arrived at the house. He mentions finding the half-eaten lady upstairs but that’s all he says about that matter. Okay, guys, so these undead fellas are eating their victims, correct? And you found a half eaten victim upstairs, right??? But you haven’t searched the whole house or explored how and why??? We’re setting up for disaster, aren’t we?

01:01:09 Ben questions Helen on how bad and in what way her child has been hurt. He recommends she go down to the cellar to relieve Judy of zed-child duty.

01:02:10 Meanwhile, the newscaster is interviewing a scientist about the rising dead. If it was under less hostile circumstances, this would be the most entertaining news hour ever.

01:02:23 “Soak the bodies in gasoline and burn them,” the scientist recommends. And what about removing the brain from the body? What about removing the brain from the body???

01:03:33 Ben and Caesar discuss a rescue mission. They will go outside, refuel Ben’s truck and then come back to load up the others.

01:05:14 Judy expresses concern for Caesar’s plan; she wonders if they should just wait in the house instead of trying to escape. I’m kinda siding with her here. I am unabashed Team Stay!!

01:07:00 The plan is in motion! They just need to get Barbra into the cellar. Ben, professional catatonia whisperer, tells Barbra that she must go downstairs in order for them to leave.

“Oh I’d like to leave, yes,” Barbra speaks!!

Judy helps her down the steps.

01:07:22 Ben approaches Caesar at the front door, their point of exit. He hands him a hammer. “Good luck,” Ben offers. Caesar replies, “yeah.” They begin ripping down 2×4’s from the door.

01:08:01 Cooper ascends to the second floor and prepares molotov cocktails for a distraction. Fuck yeah!!

01:08:32 “You ready upstairs?” bellows Ben. “Yessir!” INITIATE UNDEAD CARNAGE!!!

01:08:35 Cooper tosses cocktails down into the crowd of undead. Many of them light up and stumble off. Ben and Caesar rush out the front door to the truck. Caesar jumps in and tries the ignition while Ben stands by with his torch.

01:09:16 Judy panics and runs outside towards the truck. Cooper locks her out. Judy jumps in the vehicle as Ben takes aim with his rifle. He fires a couple rounds then climbs in the truck’s bed with the torch. As the car drives away, Ben lights up zeds like a boss.

01:10:39 The truck finally reaches the gas pump. Caesar screws up the fuel phase though and somehow pours gasoline all over the torch. Fire catches on the truck. Panicking, Caesar hops back into the drivers seat and propels the truck away from the gas pump as fast as possible, leaving Ben.

01:11:52 The flames engulf the truck and explodes with Caesar and Judy still inside.

01:12:21 Ben is abandoned about a quarter mile from the house with just a rifle, a torch and about 50 undead in between. Whatever! Ben goes on a rampage and makes it back to the house within 30 seconds.

01:12:58 Cooper declines to open the front door though. Ben, being the bad ass he is, breaks in and reapplies the boards. He then turns to Cooper and punches him in the face. Don’t fuck with Ben!

01:14:41 The undead surround the destroyed truck and feast on Caesar and Judy’s remains. The circle of life!

01:16:39 The gang regroups in the living room. Ben asks Cooper about the car he claims was overturned by zed. “Forget it. It’s about a mile back,” Cooper replies.

“Johnny has the keys,” Barbra says. Fuck Johnny!!

01:16:52 Ben asks how Cooper’s child was injured. “One of those things bit her on the arm.”

Ben rolls his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Helen asks.

“Who knows what kind of disease those things carry,” Ben says.

Yeah, like ZOMBIE DISEASE!! Fuck it! We’re using the zed word now!!! Zombies confirmed!!

01:17:18 They rekindle their discussion about the overturned car. “You can’t start the car,” Barbra interrupts, “Johnny has the keys.”

Ben stops mid-sentence. “Wait, you have a car?”

No, Johnny has a car. And the keys. Even in the afterlife he’s still a dick.

01:18:08 The news blips back onto air. The newscaster is still droning on about Venus radiation. I wish Hollywood explored this further; it’s a heck of a lot more interesting than monkey’s on steroids being a cause.

01:18:46 “We have reports that a ghoul can be killed by a bullet to the head.” There it is!!!

01:18:58 “Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.” This newscaster is one-lining it all the way to CNN!

01:20:38 The power suddenly goes out. The house is cloaked in darkness.

01:21:33 The zombies are evolving! One has grabbed Ben’s abandoned torch and started hacking away at the boarded windows. Ben rushes over to reapply the 2×4’s as fast as possible. In the process, he drops his rifle.

01:22:41 Seeing an opportunity, dirtbag Cooper grabs the rifle and threatens Ben. Ummmm, can’t you see he’s a little busy?? There are other conflicts besides you, Rob Corddry!

01:22:54 Because he’s a bad ass, Ben fights Cooper and recovers the gun within a matter of seconds. He takes aim and shoots Cooper in the gut. Cooper tumbles down the cellar stairs. Destiny for Team Cellar!!

01:24:00 Helen, who had been trying to re-barricade a window, is groped by a number of unidentified arms. Barbra watches for a few moments from her spot on the couch. Then she finally runs over and proves to be a worthy distraction for the zombies. Helen is released and she enters the cellar.

01:24:32 She flies down the stairs to find her daughter, Karen, zombified and eating her father.  She then falls to the ground and Karen kills Helen with a garden trowel. Awww family bonding!

01:25:43 Upstairs, Ben and Barbra attempt to board up the window. A leather gloved hand reaches through towards Barbra. The shadows reveal a zombified Johnny. Did he bring the keys???

01:25:53 Johnny takes Barbra away.

“Rawr! My zombification process has brought back my impeccable eye sight but left me with my asshole-ness!”

01:26:10 Every window caves in simultaneously. Ben fights off Zombie Karen and runs down into the cellar. He boards up the cellar door as the zombies pile into the first floor.

01:27:41 Ben descends the stairs to find dead Cooper and Helen. Cooper tries to reanimate but Ben says, “fuck that shit,” and shoots Cooper’s brains out. Helen then tries her reanimation session but Ben interrupts her as well.

01:29:05 The zombies begin milling around the house looking for other things to keep them occupied. This is our house now!!

Zombie Rob Corddry or zombie Cooper? Who knows!!

01:29:52 The sun rises on a new day and we see a helicopter land in a corn field. Armed men patrol the woods and police vehicles occupy the main roads.

01:30:54 A news reporter follows the town sheriff as they head out with search dogs to investigate.

01:31:31 Ben wakes up in the cellar to distant gun shots.

01:32:04 The sheriff says that he’s going to check out the abandoned house in which Ben is held up in. Ben nimbly climbs out of the cellar and begins unboarding the windows.

01:33:03 Ben witnesses the surrounding destruction. He peers out the window at the search and rescue team and a man fires a bullet through Ben’s forehead.

01:33:30 NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

01:34:03 Oh my god, what just happened?! BEN WAS MY HERO!!!!

END CREDITS in which the credits roll over still-images of the rescue team dragging Ben’s body out of the house and burning it with the rest of the undead.

OMG that was the saddest ending I have ever witnessed. Why must you be so cruel, Romero!? He was unstoppable!! He was the King of the Undead! And you offed in within the last 30 seconds!! That’s beyond cruel and unusual punishment.

As I wipe the tears from my eyes, let’s briefly recap Night of the Living Dead. Romero introduced zombies and really brought us balls to the wall with the horror. We discovered that Barbra can produce a -3.2 WAR in a moment of crisis, Ben is a goddamn super hero who must have taken a wrong turn between Die Hard and Dawn of the Dead and Johnny apparently doesn’t need glasses when he’s zombified but the leather driving gloves? Totally need those.

So that’s a wrap on Night of the Living Dead! I hope you have enjoyed this commentary and appreciate Romero’s bold and innovative twist to the horror genre!

Sources

• Night of the Living Dead. Dir. George A. Romero. Perf. Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea. Image Ten, 1968.
• The Zed Word
• Cover Image (Cover art is not mine but it is beautiful. Follow the attached link for more details.)

Scream 2

00:00:00 Teenagers learn some valuable lessons about stranger danger. Wait, haven’t we done this before? Yes but now we have a sequel because apparently nobody learned anything!

Welcome to Scream 2. Directed by Wes Craven and guess what? We’re still in the 90’s! Released in 1997 and starring pretty much the same cast as the original (minus Matthew Lillard and Billy [or Bobby or whatever] and Drew Barrymore because they all died!) Anyway, we’re going even more meta than you can imagine! The events from Scream are being turned into a major motion picture and this is what Scream 2 is based on. Your mind is turned inside out, isn’t it? Don’t worry, Craven doesn’t throw you into any wormholes or 5th dimensions (shout out to Interstellar and being current-event-relatable!) I pray I don’t wind up at 15 pages again in this write up. That’ll be just a bitch to edit. (Editor’s Note: FUCKKK)

Okay, Horror Holiday presents Scream 2.

00:00:31 We open at the “Stab!” premiere! So “Stab!” is the movie based on the book that Monica (from Friends!) wrote about the events in Scream. Now she’s profiting off the deaths of high school kids. Classy!

00:00:44 Oh look! It’s Jada Pinkett Smith! Craven seems to be creating a trend of introducing A-list actors within the first minutes just to set them up for a brutal massacre. Nice!

00:00:56 This movie theater has gone all out with the aesthetics. They have a Ghost Face Killah wacky inflatable tube man hanging from the entrance and the theater employees are handing out complementary Ghost Face Killah masks. This isn’t the premiere of fucking Psycho, guys! You’re blowing your yearly theater budget on a glorified slasher flick!

00:01:01 Smith doesn’t want to see a bunch of white girls get, “fucked up.” She’d rather see the new Sandra Bullock film, “playing down the street.” Does this theater only have one screen?? And they chose to play “Stab!”?!

00:01:23 Her boyfriend does want to watch white girls get fucked up. So it’s settled, I guess.

00:01:44 Smith and boyfriend walk into the theater and it’s packed with teenagers wearing Ghost Face Killah masks and slashing each other with fake knives. It’s a goddamn mad house.

00:01:56 Is this Wes Craven bragging about the success of his original Scream? I mean, sure, it was good and I enjoyed it but you’re not this massive icon now. I’m pretty sure that if you walked into a 1997 theater for Scream 2, you wouldn’t see a bunch of people in masks pretending to stab each other and getting hyped to watch white girls ‘get fucked up’.

00:02:05 Also teenagers are just the worst.

00:02:32 The theater has “Stab-O-Vision” too, which is basically just a black light. I guess the theater employees can kiss away the Christmas party because that budget is shot to shit.

00:22:42 Begin “Stab!”

Yayy white girls getting fucked up!

00:02:54 Oh look, they recast Drew Barrymore for “Stab!”

00:03:10 Oh wait, that’s just Heather Graham. Everyone resume your normal activities.

00:03:50 The opening to “Stab!” is a cut-to-cut replica of Drew Barrymore’s death scene. I don’t know how this is possible because the police proved totally inept at locking down that crime scene in Scream. How could they know what happened? I mean, for fuck sake it took them half the movie to uncover the phone records! And they spent the critical 48 hours after Barrymore’s murder hanging around outside her high school for god knows why! All I’m saying is, I’m onto you, Wes Craven.

00:03:55 The phone rings, Graham answers. I BET YOU MISSED THESE!!

00:04:12 “Hang the phone up and *69 his ass!” Smith shouts at the theater screen. THANK YOU, JADA PINKETT SMITH! We had to sit through nearly two hours of this shit last time!

00:04:50 Scene continues and it’s written even worse than the original dialogue with Barrymore. Smith grows bored and goes to buy popcorn.

00:05:55 Upon returning, her boyfriend pops out of a broom closet and scares her. Booo!

00:06:47 Smith returns to the theater and the Graham scene is still going on. How many pages did I write for that scene last time? Just way too much to mock. Boyfriend decides to run to the bathroom quick. Neither of these characters are paying too much attention to this movie.

00:07:20 Oh and if you were curious, Graham did make popcorn on the stove. I actually wish they left that part out.

00:07:52 With the urinals occupied, boyfriend chooses a stall. He notices some sexual noises coming from his neighbor so, for some reason, he puts his ear up to get some free porn action. That’s when GHOST FACE KILLAH STABS HIM THROUGH HIS MOTHERFUCKING EAR! We have made contact!!!!!

He returns!

00:09:21 Smith continues to watch this hour long opening scene. The boyfriend (?) returns wearing his Ghost Face Killah mask. Smith thinks nothing of it. She wraps her arm around him as they both watch Graham get stabbed. How romantic.

00:10:06 Smith slowly pulls her hand back from behind the boyfriend’s coat and notices blood from his jacket. She peers over to him and GHOST FACE KILLAH reveals a knife and stabs her. Man, this theater really goes all out for their premieres!

00:10:47 Smith staggers away but Ghost Face Killah follows her, stabbing her with every step.

00:11:18 He finally releases her about thirty stab wounds deep. She stumbles to the screen stage and screams. Then Smith falls and dies. Hey! The teenagers finally stopped celebrating! Hopefully the theater left enough in their budget for the impending lawsuits!

00:12:07 We’re at college! The phone rings, awakening Sidney. She answers. “Hello, Sidney. What’s your favorite scary movie?”

“Who is this?”

“You tell me…”

Sidney picks up her caller ID box. “Corey Gillis. 513-555-0176.”

“Fuck!”

“Gotcha, bitch!”

*Gillis hangs up*

Oh how much caller ID could have changed the original film.

00:13:13 Sidney tells her roommate that the calls are because of the opening weekend of “Stab!”

00:14:37 Sidney and roommate watch the news as the report of the theater deaths roll in. And woahhh guess the murderer wore a “Stab!” themed mask? As long as the theater wasn’t handing out complimentary masks all night, it should be no problem finding the assailant. Oh wait.

00:15:09 As soon as Sidney sees the reports, she basically goes, “oh shit.” Not for the victims though, but because she knows that a shit storm of media is about to land on her front step. I guess we are continuing the trend of the media reporting nothing from crime scenes and everything from the campus of high school or colleges? These reporters suck.

00:15:12 “Oh, hey world wide media hanging out at the front door of my dorm!”

Sidney’s sick of this shit

00:15:25 We arrive at a classroom where a teacher is discussing the fault of the movie on the actual murders. A student argues against him and… wait… hold the fucking phone. Is that Buffy the motherfucking Vampire Slayer?!

00:15:27 IT IS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! Okay, stop the investigation now. Buffy’s got this.

00:15:40 The debate continues and holy shit! They got Timothy Olyphant too!? Who casted this film and are they a high level producer now??

00:15:56 And LOL Jamie Kennedy is in this class. He gives his opinion but Olyphant rejects his premise. Hellooo? Jamie Kennedy kinda lived through the “Stab!” movie? I think he should be leading this lecture.

00:16:05 “Are you suggesting the killer is trying to create a real life sequel?” asks the professor. By the way, this professor should be ejected from the university because what the fuck even is that question.

00:16:09 Random classmate: “Sequels suck.” THANK YOU.

00:16:41 Now we are in the midst of a full-on debate on if any sequels were better than their predecessor. This professor should be stripped of whatever tenure he has because he has officially lost his class.

00:17:37 Sidney catches up with Jamie Kennedy after class. Kennedy must be a fucking legend or something after living through Scream, flaunting his encyclopedia of horror films and then this recent stabbing. This IS the man you are looking for!

00:17:50 Sidney is worried that the killing has something to do with them but Kennedy is in denial. Come onnn dude, that’s completely out of canon!

00:18:17 Jerry O’Connell shows up and kisses Sidney, is apparently her boyfriend.

00:18:26 Oh and Jerry O’Connell is in this movie. But ehhh, it’s Jerry O’Connell.

00:19:10 Monica shows up on campus with her new news crew. She finishes a call with a movie producer and practically threatens them not to pull “Stab!” from theaters because of recent events. She actually thinks of this as publicity. Soooo Monica has sold her soul for fame, anyone else from the original?

00:20:09 Reporters swarm Monica. The reporter has become the reported!

00:21:06 Sidney rolls up and witnesses Monica speaking to reporters. Sidney seems to have a new entourage. If I were them, I would start thinking twice about my relationship with Sidney post-movie murders. Her last group of friends didn’t have a happy ending.

Sidney and the gang.

00:21:43 Some blond sorority bitches cruise up to Sidney and act all snotty as if there wasn’t enough conflict with serial killers on the loose.

00:21:45 Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon reference! Feel free to add Scream 2 to your list!

00:21:55 Oh wait, these sorority girls actually want Sidney to pledge. So that was them being friendly?

00:22:28 Sidney finds Dewey randomly wandering around campus. David Arquette is still as awkward as ever. They sit down to chat about, well, all the shit that’s gone down.

00:23:31 Dewey is sporting the world’s most awkward mustache. Was he going method for this role? Because he wins the award for most awkward character ever.

00:24:19 Dewey tells Sidney to be careful and then limps off. So if Dewey was not an awkward enough character before he now has a horrible limp.

00:25:05 Monica interrupts Sidney for an interview. In classic Monica fashion, she has brought along formerly-accused-for-Sidney’s-mother’s-murder Cotton Weary, who has just been released from prison. Oh what a special reunion!

00:25:35 Sidney calls Monica a bitch and punches her in the face, just like in Scream. At what point does Sidney get charged for assault and battery? Because she is totally of age now.

00:25:53 Cotton complains to Monica that she promised him a 10 minute talk with Sidney to work things out. Oh what a bloody ten minutes those could be!

00:26:19 Monica storms away from Formerly-Accused Cotton and finds Super-Awkward Dewey, who is just standing in a bed of flowers. “Leave her alone,” Dewey says to Monica with complete lack of eye contact and then limps away. Cool, Dewey. Cool.

00:27:12 Monica follows as Dewey spits out descriptions Monica wrote about him in her book. Essentially, it’s about him being super awkward and inexperienced (she’s not wrong). I guess these two never hooked up after their House of Horrors?

00:28:24 Night time and sorority-fraternity mixer event! Wooooo! Sidney has showed up with her roommate, Hallie.

00:28:56 Two sorority sisters approach. “Sidney, you made it! Hi,” one goes, “no, I really mean it. Hi.” So, any other time, you don’t mean it? What does ‘Hi’ even signify that you have to really ‘mean’ it??

00:29:31 Buffy hangs out at the QBZ sorority while the mixer goes down at the frat. She’s watching TV alone while gossiping on the phone. She receives a call on the other line.

00:29:32 “Hello Buffy.”

00:30:00 She believes it’s her boyfriend Ted and that he’s drunk. “Who’s Ted,” says the voice.

00:30:57 They talk a bit but Buffy doesn’t do flirting. “Why do you always answer a question with a question?” she asks.

00:30:49 The conversation ends with, “do you want to die tonight, Buffy?” and the man hangs up the phone. BREAKING NEWS: GHOST FACE KILLAH actually hangs up first! It’s a new game, ladies and gentlemen!

00:31:40 Buffy actually takes the threat seriously and begins dialing campus security. Man, college kids are way smarter than those high school ones!

00:32:01 Buffy can’t get good reception with her cordless phone when calling security but previously had excellent reception with her gossiping friend and Ghost Face Killah. “Can you hear me now?” ruffle ruffle ruffle. “How about now?”

00:32:07 Campus Security hangs up on Buffy, is officially the worst campus security ever.

00:32:45 Buffy runs into one of her sorority sisters in the house. The phone rings and the sister rudely takes the phone from Buffy. “Is Buffy there?”

00:32:47 “Yes she is, who’s calling?” the sister asks as if Buffy wasn’t right next to her this whole time. Ghost Face Killah sneaks through the open front door in the background…

00:32:54 Sorority sister hands the phone to Buffy and leaves and can now be officially accountable for Buffy’s inevitable death.

Buffy the Not Vampire Slayer

00:33:19 By the way, I don’t know what Buffy’s afraid of. She’s the goddamn vampire slayer! Unless she hasn’t gotten her powers or training yet. Then, well, she’s 6 degrees of fucked.

00:34:14 Buffy investigates through the house but finds nothing. The phone rings, Buffy answers.

00:34:23 “Hello?” Ghost Face Killah busts through a closet door and attempts to stab Buffy.

00:35:10 After chasing her through the house, Ghost Face Killah stabs and throws Buffy from a balcony.

00:35:38 Guess she didn’t have her Vampire Slayer skills after all.

00:35:45 Meanwhile at the rush event: KEG STANDS!

00:36:42 Sidney is not impressed by the sorority girls recruiting and she disses them right to their faces.

00:37:02 OMG SOMETHING’S HAPPENED AT THE SORORITY HOUSE! Okay, let’s finish this round of shots and then go check it out!!

00:37:23 Police swarm the QBZ sorority house and entire frat houses empty to watch. Media vans park about 10 feet from the victims body and (former officer) Dewey is allowed to stand and watch the crime scene unfold. Worst. Police. Ever.

00:38:24 Monica practically walks up and interviews Buffy’s dead body. “Dead sorority chick, how many times were you stabbed? How did that make you feel? How do you feel about Delta’s chances at the Puff Bowl this year?”

Do they even tape off crime scenes in this movie?

00:38:48 Sidney reenters the frat house to retrieve her jacket. A phone rings in the distance. For some fucking reason, Sidney feels the need to answer. SIDNEY! Just stay the fuck away from phones forever, okay?

00:39:18 Sidney answers. “Hello Sidney.” Sidney’s face blanks. I mean, come on girl. Who did you expect to be on the other line at this point?

00:39:38 Sidney hangs up the phone and turns to find GHOST FACE KILLAH wielding a knife. He lunges towards her but proves that this edition of Ghost Face Killah is just as inept at killing as the previous two.

00:39:58 He chases her through the frat house and barrels into a couch. Like, he full-on barrels through the couch and practically knocks himself out cold. Ghost Face Killah’s are the least athletic and efficient serial killers of all time.

Ghost Face Killah struggles at the one thing he’s meant to be good at

00:40:03 Sidney escapes and finds her boyfriend in the backyard. He rushes in to bounce Ghost Face Killah from his goddamn frat house. WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?!

00:40:14 Dewey also shows up in a full speed limp sprint. It just looks like the super awkwardliest.

00:40:28 Dewey investigates and finds boyfriend Jerry on the ground with his arm bloodied. He ventures past to find the two sorority girls from earlier at the front door. No sign of Ghost Face Killah.

00:41:21 Sidney and friends spend the night at the hospital. Jerry gets his arm patched.

00:42:15 Olyphant chats with Sidney and questions why Jerry went back into the frat house anyway. Sidney appears skeptical.

00:42:32 Meanwhile Jerry is questioned by the police. “Why did you go back in the house anyway?” It appears everyone is on the same page here. Either Jerry is associated with the murderer or he’s just a fucking idiot.

00:43:52 Back at the police station, the chief writes the victim’s names on the black board. That’s when you know shit’s serious!!

00:43:58 Monica strolls in (because I guess she can do that?), takes the chalk away from the chief (because I guess she can fucking do that??) and underlines the three names. Their last names correlate with the victims from Scream. Dun dun dunnnn.

00:44:30 Sidney walks through campus with her boyfriend and a security dispatch of two detectives. She expresses her skepticism about Jerry’s alibi.

00:45:24 Sidney practically breaks up with Jerry, who refuses to let go. Off camera, Jerry goes home and eats a tub of ice cream while watching Sleepless in Seattle.

00:45:46 I apologize if this write up has been choppy thus far. There are a lot of scenes that really have nothing to do with advancing our plot. So to summarize: there’s a copy cat killer and he’s seeking out Sidney. There it is. We’re 45 minutes in. Other than that, we basically have the same cast and those who died in the previous film have been recasted and written exactly the same.

00:45:52 Dewey walks Monica out of the police station. She asks for his help. “I’m only here to help Sid,” he says then heroically limps off. Dewey, the awkward hero we deserve but not the one we need right now.

00:48:09 The entourage eats lunch and Jerry suddenly breaks out singing, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” ala Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He begins jumping from table to table as the entire cafeteria claps melodically. Really, we have time for this??

00:49:55 Apparently it wins Sidney back and the cafeteria cheers. This is more ridiculous than people not checking their caller ID’s. Why the fuck did I just watch this scene?

00:50:11 Jamie Kennedy and Dewey grab coffee together and watch the news play a clip from “Stab!” Kennedy complains how they didn’t cast anyone good for his role but Dewey got David Schwimmer. I think Kennedy actually lucked out with that one.

00:50:51 Oh look, they got Luke Wilson to play Billy, the psycho killer!

00:51:33 Holy shit. Jamie fucking Kennedy is about to drop the rules for horror movie sequels. Hold onto your fucking faces.

Jamie Kennedy dropping horror knowledge like blam!

Rule Number One: The body count is always bigger. (Fuck does that mean this commentary is about to hit a ridiculous amount of pages? Probably, yes.)

Rule Number Two: The death scenes must be much more elaborate. More guts, more gore.

Rule Number Three: If you want your sequel to become a franchise, never ever…

“How do you catch the killer, that’s what I want to know,” Dewey interrupts. Goddamit, Dewey!

00:52:25 Kennedy and Dewey discuss the suspects. Dewey labels Kennedy as a suspect. Hence, Kennedy labels Dewey as a suspect. Touche. We move onwards.

00:52:49 Now they’re discussing race and serial killers. “Most are white males,” Dewey states. This allows me to time to note something about Scream 2. In Scream, there were no African-Americans cast. Zero. In Scream 2, at least a third of the cast is African-American. I don’t know if Craven got chewed out by the film distributor about diversity or he just casted based on that line about most serial killers being white. I don’t know. I can’t vouch for anything but somebody may be racist.

00:53:48 Now Kennedy has laid out Monica as a suspect but Dewey rejects the premise. “Well if she’s not the killer then she’s a potential victim,” Kennedy concludes.

00:55:10 Monica’s African-American camera man is concerned about his safety. “I read your damn book,” he says, “your last camera man didn’t fucking make it. And brothers don’t last long in these situations.” Monica tells him to stop being a fucking bitch and do his job. Monica for boss of the year!

00:57:03 Sidney discusses dropping her major with her theatre studies professor. He talks her out of it though.

00:57:53 Sidney, who is the lead I guess, rehearses her play. It’s some weird ritualistic sacrifice scene. She’s in a red dress as others are hooded. They pretend to stab her. I mean, why would Sidney accept the role in a play that has this type of scene? Doesn’t it bring back flashbacks? Well, Sidney notices one of the hooded figures to have Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Within the rehearsal act, he chases Sidney with a knife, unbeknownst to anyone else in the production.

00:59:29 He grabs her and she screams. As she falls to the ground in peril, Ghost Face Killah escapes. Sidney rushes off stage in tears.

01:00:02 Backstage, Jerry arrives and takes the crown of being at the wrong place at the worst possible time.

01:00:25 Sidney breaks up with Jerry again. So now not only is Jerry’s Top Gun scene completely ridiculous, it is now completely meaningless. Before this scene, the last time we saw Jerry and Sidney was at the cafeteria, when they got back together. If we cut that cafeteria scene the movie would be literally unaffected. I spent six minutes watching Jerry sing and dance and Scream 2 turn into fucking Glee.

Oh and Jerry just leaves after Sidney breaks up with him. This relationship is fucking awful.

01:01:16 Now Dewey and Kennedy have brought their speculative conversation to Monica. They sit on an outside bench and discuss theories. This is the new Scooby-Doo gang.

Deep horror movie discussions ongoing

01:02:25 Right after they argue if any of themselves are the killers, Monica’s phone rings. Kennedy picks up. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I,” Ghost Face Killah asks.

01:02:51 Kennedy keeps Ghost Face Killah on the line as Dewey and Monica scramble to find a potential onlooker with a cell phone.

01:03:18 Kennedy and Ghost Face Killah discuss their favorite scary movies. This is like the peak of Kennedy’s horror movie watching career right here.

01:04:18 “Why are you even here, Kennedy, you’ll never be the leading man,” GFK taunts.

“Fuck you.” Kennedy shouts into the cell phone.

01:04:45 Monica and Dewey hunt down cell phone operators but can’t find the caller.

01:05:18 Kennedy talks shit about Ghost-Face-Killah-alum Billy while walking past a news van. GFK pops out and pulls Kennedy into the van. They struggle but he eventually kills Kennedy.

01:05:26 NOOOOOOOO!!!!

01:06:27 Monica and Dewey return and find dead Kennedy in the truck. I cried.

01:07:11 Sidney studies at the library and receives an instant message on her computer. “You’re going to die tonight.” Her security guards rush over to investigate. They secure Sidney next to the staircase exit (because I guess that’s considered a safe point?) and survey other computer occupant’s screens.

01:07:38 While Sidney waits, Cotton appears behind the exit. Cotton starts dropping information bombs. Monica promised him an interview with Diane Sawyer and Sidney. He wants the exposure and the money that can come with his story. Sidney declines. Cotton becomes threatening. She walks back towards her security details and Cotton follows, speaking louder with every step. The two detectives rush Cotton and arrest him.

Sidney, not a fan of Diane Sawyer.

01:10:01 The police chief interrogates Cotton back at the station. Dewey and Monica find Sidney there and break the news about Kennedy. She cries as well. We’re all in this together Sid. *sob* We’ll get through this together! *sobs* Someone must continue the horror movie lectures!

01:11:50 The police eventually release Cotton based on a lack of evidence.

01:13:04 The police announce a campus-wide lock down. No students are allowed out of their dorms past a certain hour. But hello, you’ve tried that before. A bunch of high school kids decided to throw a goddamn house party instead and many more were murdered. Are we still not checking caller ID’s? Because we know that’s a thing now; they introduced it within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Check some fucking phone records and tell people to stop picking up calls from unknown numbers. Dammit, you might as well hire Dewey back on the force at this rate!

01:14:09 Monica exits the police station and runs directly into her camera man. He quits on the spot and jumps in a cab. Good call, buddy. Good call.

01:14:27 Monica stands on the sidewalk as Dewey walks out of the station. “I feel bad, Dewey,” Monica admits. Bad?! BAD?! Feeling bad is when your stomach aches or when you misplace a friend’s belongings. Monica is partly responsible for inciting a serial killer that has now taken multiple victims. Some deaths have even been close relations. ‘Bad’ is nowhere near the fucking word to describe how she should feel.

01:15:21 Dewey accepts her apology for some reason. I guess the power of boners win out once again. Fucking hell.

01:16:30 Dewey and Monica head to the School of Film building to find a VCR to play the footage that her recently-departed camera man took. Seriously, does no one own a VCR that you had to break into the School of Film building after dark?

01:16:57 Dewey and Monica have a cutesy butting heads moment while trying to insert the tape into the VCR. Does any horror movie know how to portray an actual romantic relationship??

01:17:08 By the way, I’m still upset they have already killed off Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jamie Kennedy. That’s bullshit.

01:17:46 They flirt further as they watch their argument from earlier in the movie. Apparently the camera guy has taped fucking everything we’ve seen in the movie so far. That’s weird, dude.

01:18:04 Because we apparently have nothing more important to do, Monica and Dewey begin making out. I mean, what the fuck?

01:18:35 Their make out session is interrupted by a second television turning on and projecting new footage. It’s Buffy talking on the phone at the sorority house. The footage jumps. We watch Jamie Kennedy wandering around the courtyard as the camera films from within the news van.

01:18:51 The feed jumps once more. It’s footage of Monica and Dewey watching the tapes in the School of Film lecture hall: LIVE EDITION.

01:19:02 They turn around and see Ghost Face Killah watching from the projector room. Dewey rushes up but finds it unoccupied. GFK then appears behind Monica. She’s chased down into the hallways. She escapes into an audio recording studio and locks the doors. GFK shows up and she hides.

01:21:40 In the midst of their little game of hide and seek, Dewey stumbles in. He starts pounding on a window which Monica is on the opposite side of. But because this is an audio studio, Monica can’t hear noise on the other side. While her back is turned, Ghost Face Killah rushes Dewey and stabs him in the back.

01:22:44 GFK then attempts to break through the glass but, by golly, nothing can break through this window!

01:23:20 Finally given up, Ghost Face Killah leaves.

01:23:54 The security detail helps Sidney carry her luggage from her dorm. She’s being escorted off campus which is actually a good goddamn plan at this point. Jerry is there to see her off. Awww (but not really).

01:24:56 After the police escort drives off, members of Jerry’s frat swarm and carry him off because he gave away his fraternity letters to Sidney or something.

01:25:33 At the frat, they tie Jerry to a star thing and pour beer on him. Cool, I guess.

Sup Jerry

01:26:19 Meanwhile, the police escort stops at a red light. Sidney and her roommate Hallie sit in the back seat. Ghost Face Killah appears, breaks the driver’s window and slashes the detective’s throat. So much for security; one red light and all awareness drops to zero.

01:26:32 GFK climbs on top of the car and grabs the other detective. He rams his head against the vehicle and throws him out. GFK takes the drivers seat and is about to peel off when the living detective pulls his gun. GFK rams the detective anyway.

01:27:14 Detective holds onto the hood as GFK attempts to hit every single obstacle on the road. He finally hits some road construction and crashes the vehicle, killing the detective immediately.

01:27:50 Sidney and Hallie recover in the back seat but Ghost Face Killah is knocked out cold. Most inefficient movie serial killer ever.

01:28:07 So anyway, Sidney and Hallie are child locked in the backseat. They notice a newly gaping hole in the divider screen between the front and back seat and Sidney climbs through.

01:29:21 As she’s climbing over an unconscious Ghost Face Killah to escape, curiosity gets the best of her and she tries to unmask the killer. She is distracted though when her butt accidentally honks the car’s horn.

01:30:09 She jumps back, startled, and tries again, this time escaping without unmasking the killer. Sidney attempts to free Hallie but I guess the child safety locks don’t allow anyone to leave or enter.

01:31:05 Hallie escapes as well and they run away. Sighhh. Your killer is unconscious. You both are not unconscious. Take him down now!!

01:31:18 They run about 30 feet before Sidney stops and tells her roommate that she must know who the killer is. Yes! Good Sidney!

01:31:20 Hallie refuses to go back. They start arguing. Sigh.

01:31:41 Sidney finally decides to unmask Ghost Face Killah. She approaches the car but GFK is missing. Maybe y’all shouldn’t have argued over your decision for so long.

01:32:01 Somehow, GFK ends up behind Hallie. He jumps out from behind a corner and stabs her. I mean, for Ghost Face Killah’s ineptitude and unathletic ability, he’s got some stellar recovery times when it comes to being knocked out cold, being kicked in the balls and having his knees buckled out from under him.

01:32:12 Sidney watches as her roommate is murdered. Then she runs away.

01:32:38 Monica finally exits the audio studio to find Cotton leaving the room that Dewey was stabbed. Blood covers his hands and arms. Monica runs. Everyone is just in the wrong place at the worst possible time in this series.

01:33:45 Music begins playing from the School of Film stage. Sidney runs back onto campus and, hearing the music, runs into the building. Ummm. Fucking why??

“Oh, music! I must stop everything else that I’m doing to investigate!”

01:34:26 Sidney runs onto the stage and the music stops. A spotlight beams onto her. The light then glides over to a shirt hanging from a stage tree. The light dissolves.

01:35:13 The giant star which Jerry was tied to is dropped from the ceiling. He is bound and gagged. Sidney attempts to untie Jerry but GHOST FACE KILLAH MAKES HIS GRAND ENTRANCE.

01:36:11 Ghost Face Killah unmasks himself and it’s Timothy Olyphant.

01:36:12 Ummmm let’s take a beat here. Okay, Timothy Olyphant has pretty much played the same character description as Matthew Lillard in the original: creepy, strange jerk. But Olyphant has been absent from the film since Jerry’s Top Gun routine. That was an hour ago. And since I have deleted that scene in my mind, Olyphant has not been seen in Scream 2 since Jerry was in the hospital. Seriously?? This guy is your killer?? He’s been completely AWOL! His only semblance of actual dialogue was during their classroom debate about sequels. That was at the beginning of the movie! This isn’t some Anthony Hopkins Silence of the Lambs 13 minutes of screen time shit. Olyphant has been utterly forgettable and, if his career hadn’t skyrocketed a near decade after this film was released, I probably would have forgotten who the fuck his character was. For fuck’s sake, they could have revealed Ghost Face Killah to be Matthew Lillard again and I’d feel the same way I feel now: cheated.

Timothy Olyphant, I guess.

01:36:30 “Since Jerry went missing on my ass, I’ve been working alone all night,” Olyphant accuses of Jerry. Sidney stares at Olyphant. “Come on Sid, I have to have had a partner. I couldn’t have done this all alone.”

01:36:49 “Sidney, he’s lying,” Jerry pleas. Sidney backs away.

01:37:03 Jerry turns his attention to Olyphant. “Fuck you! I’m going to fucking kill you, you lying piece of shit. Fuck you!”

01:37:14 Olyphant pulls a gun and shoots Jerry through the chest.

01:37:15 Damn, has Sidney had a rough stretch of boyfriends.

01:37:57 “You should really work on your trust issues, Sid,” Olyphant taunts. He then goes on to lecture her about how great of a guy Jerry was. For Christ’s sake, dude, if you liked him so much maybe you should have just dated him.

01:38:31 Olyphant then tells Sidney he plans to get caught. He’s gonna go to trial and plead that the “Stab!” movies made him do it. For some reason, he thinks that’ll hold up. Maybe he should have taken less film classes and added a basic law elective because there’s no fucking way a jury would rule in his favor because a, “movie inspired him.”

01:38:40 Oh. Now we’re being lectured about cinema violence and society. You’re a strike away from joining Spock and douchebag psychiatrist from Psycho in the Lecturing Asshole Hall of Shame, Olyphant.

01:38:46 “It’s airtight, Sid,” says Olyphant about his entirely not-airtight plan.

01:39:25 Sidney is able to disarm Olyphant. They struggle for a bit but he reclaims the gun. Suddenly, the star to which Jerry is tied to begins to rise. Sidney looks around wildly. “I told you I had a partner, Sid.”

01:40:24 From a side door, Monica appears but she is being held by gun point by some lady. Some lady that I’ve never FUCKING SEEN BEFORE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?

01:40:29 “Hello, Billy’s mother!” Olyphant screams to the skies. Fuck everything. Fuck everything! Hold the motherfucking phones. ALL OF THE FUCKING PHONES! This is some bullshit. This is Billy’s mother’s introduction to the film series. She never appeared in the original. She never saw a second of screen time in Scream 2 up till now. Fucking hell, they could have walked Christopher fucking Walken out that door and it’d have made as much sense. Fuck.

01:40:33 “Nice twist huh,” Olyphant giggles, “didn’t see it coming.” Nobody saw this fucking coming because it doesn’t make any sense! It’s less of a twist and more of a WHERE DID THIS FUCKING COME FROM, MOTHERFUCKING ASGARD!?

01:40:45 “I’ve seen pictures of you,” Monica reasons, “you don’t look anything like your pictures.”

“I lost weight and got plastic surgery,” Billy’s mother says.

Fuck you, movie. You can’t try to defend yourself here. This is bullshit. You not only pulled a fucking zebra out of your hat, you gave that zebra a facelift and lap band until it became a fucking chipmunk. That’s not fucking allowed!!!

01:40:57 Wait. The twist isn’t over. This has all occurred within one movie minute. This has to be the worst fucking minute in movie history. Olyphant just said he needed Billy’s mother for funding. “I need to pay tuition somehow.” What the fuck? Did Olyphant just come to this college to do this stunt? He couldn’t have planned any other way to do this? And Billy’s mother thought putting some random fucking psychopath through college was a worthy step to their plan to kill Sidney and a bunch of other random people who weren’t involved in anyway??

Wait. Why did they need to kill the couple at the movie theater anyway!? That had nothing to do with anything!!!

01:41:10 Wait. So much bullshit is being spewed at a mile a minute here. Billy’s mom just said that she found Olyphant on a ‘serial killer message board.’ “There’s only 95 active serial killers in the country so Olyphant was quite a find.”

Are you fucking with me?? There’s 95 active serial killers and they post on a message board and YOU, Billy’s motherfucking mom, found and recruited one?! How is this even possible?? The police have not been able to find this ‘message board’ but you were able to not only find it but CONTACT ONE OF THEM?!

My mind’s about to explode. We’re on minute two of the most idiotic movie twist ever. I’m afraid to press play on my DVD player as I know, within the next 15 seconds, someone else is going to do something ridiculous.

01:41:25 Right on cue. 15 fucking seconds later. Billy’s mom shoots Olyphant. WHAT?!

01:41:33 Olyphant’s finger then twitches and shoots Monica in the abdomen. She falls beneath the stage. This is stupid.

01:41:47 “Two birds, one stone,” Billy’s mom cackles. Suck a dick.

Billy’s freaking Mom

01:42:06 Billy’s mom turns her firearm to Sidney. She monologues that Olyphant was insane but she’s not (questionable). Her motives are not, “90’s themed,” (what??) she’s interested in some, “old fashioned revenge. You killed my son.” Ummm yeah but he killed everyone else and you kinda abandoned him after your husband cheated on you with Sidney’s mom sooooo who’s the bad guy now?

01:42:55 Billy’s mom continues to monologue about her plan to set Sidney up. Sidney practically yawns; this whole ‘setting her up for murder’ thing isn’t new, Mrs. Billy’s Mom.

01:43:29 Scream 2 is totally trying to pull a whole Mrs. Voorhees thing and it’s just awful. Didn’t they see Friday the 13th and realize how stupid it was??

01:44:00 Billy’s mom’s monologue drones on until Sidney interrupts. “Isn’t Olyphant supposed to be dead?” Billy’s mom (stupidly) turns around to look at a still-dead Olyphant. Sidney breaks a bottle over her head and barricades herself behind the stage’s set design. Billy’s mom begins shooting.

01:44:27 Sidney find an emergency ax and begins hacking at wires. Stage lights fall all around Billy’s mom.

01:45:35 Billy’s mom tries to escape the chaos by climbing up a prop rock wall but Sidney cuts another wire and prop rocks fall on her. Billy’s mom becomes buried under prop rocks. This is also stupid. These aren’t real rocks, are they? This play didn’t decide, ‘HEY! forget fake prop rocks. We need two dozen stone rocks for this set design.’ No, those are not real rocks, Mrs. Billy’s Mom. You’re not going to get buried underneath them.

01:46:00 Sidney attempts to flee but Billy’s mom has escaped a bunch of paper machete rocks (wooo big deal) and attacks Sidney.

01:46:34 Billy’s mom has Sidney pinned and about to stab her when Cotton appears with a gun. “Don’t fucking move.”

01:47:17 Billy’s mom holds Sidney hostage by knife point while Cotton points his gun at them. They go over the summary of what the fuck is going on.

01:48:10 Okay. Somehow, amongst the details of this current shit show, Billy’s mom has convinced Cotton to turn the gun towards Sidney. So now both of them want to kill Sidney. What??

01:48:42 “I bet that Diane Sawyer interview is looking real good right now, right Sid?” Cotton bargains.

“Consider it done,” Sidney accepts.

Cotton shoots Billy’s mom. Fuck this movie.

01:49:51 Cotton and Sidney retrieve Monica from underneath the stage. Then Timothy fucking Olyphant pops up and goes BOOOOO and then Sidney shoots him a half million times. My brain has officially collapsed.

01:51:41 The next morning, paramedics bring Dewey out of the School of Film. I guess he lived from bleeding out over night? They take him away in an ambulance.

01:52:36 Reporters swarm Sidney but she refers them to Cotton, “the true hero.” Um excuse me?? Multiple people are dead and the killer’s intentions make zero sense. THERE’S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER MESSAGE BOARD SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET AND IT’S APPARENTLY FAIRLY EASY TO CONTACT THEM. There are no heros at the end of this. There are only the victims and the fucking psychopaths who killed them.

01:52:49 Cotton gives the reporters his business card and tells them he’ll negotiate a price for his story. What the fuck does he have on the business card? “Convict who was formerly accused of Serial Killing but totallyyyyy not a Serial Killer now”? And did this douche bag just try to profit off a bunch of teenage murders? What even is this?! THEY KILLED JAMIE KENNEDY!!!

01:53:09 Sidney walks around campus as the camera pans out and popular music softly plays.

END CREDITS

I’m glad Jamie Kennedy wasn’t around to see the end of this; he would have been as pissed off as I am. This is my concern with covering sequels: they may be fucking awful.

I thoroughly enjoyed Scream; it was a lot of fun to cover. Scream 2 was god awful. I don’t even know how this third act made it past rewrites. Did they really think it was cool to make Billy’s mom, a character who previously never saw the light of day, the serial killer? No, wait. Scratch that because that statement is wrong. Billy’s mom was not even the serial killer. She was the serial killer’s wallet. For what though? So Olyphant could go to college and then try to kill Sidney? Did he even have to be in college to attempt to ineffectively kill Sidney? And why kill anyone else? If anything, his murdering antics tipped Sidney off thus making it more difficult to kill her.

The only reasoning I can draw from having Billy’s mom be the murderer is as a homage to Friday the 13th but it was totally not worth it.

I don’t know. I guess we’ll cover Scream 3 at some point but it may be a while. There are dozens of better horror movies than this one.

And goddammit. Scream 2 is now the holder for longest movie write up at 7,321 words and 18 pages. I can only blame myself for that one.

Sources

• Scream 2. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1997.
• Cover Image

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

00:00:00 Ever wonder if Hollywood’s remake fetish existed in the ‘70s? Let me answer that for you: yes. The original Invasion of the Body Snatchers was released in 1956. It’s remake was created in 1978. We’re watching the remake because I have no idea where I can find the original; Psycho was difficult enough to track down.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers is directed by Philip Kaufman, who is also one of the original creators of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones, and stars Donald Sutherland (yes, Jack Bauer’s father), Jeff Goldblum, and Leonard Nimoy (yes, that Spock).

I think we are dealing with aliens but I cannot confirm. So let’s just begin. Horror Holiday presents Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

00:00:52 We open the film on Mars. So now I can confirm that we are dealing with aliens. Cannot confirm Xenomorphs though.

00:01:31 Jellyfish-like organisms from Mars set sail into space. Be free, little ones!

00:02:11 And they come to Earth! Be careful, Jellyfish. Humans don’t look kindly on immigrants initially. Probably best to lay low.

00:03:14 It’s raining. Brad Pitt can be heard in the distance yelling about a box or something. We carry on.

00:03:51 It looks like the organisms have entered Earth via the rain? Who knew space existed within Cumulus clouds.

00:04:24 Awww and they’re becoming flowers. I, for one, embrace our new alien overlords…

00:04:59 Young but still balding Robert Duvall hangs out on the swings in a playground; is totally creepy.

00:05:57 Elizabeth arrives at her apartment and begins telling her boyfriend or husband or boy toy about some rare flower she found at the park. Her boyfriend yells about some bullshit foul happening in the Golden State Warriors’ game.

00:06:37 Donald Sutherland, from the Department of Health, arrives at a restaurant. The restaurant scrambles to hide all of their rat traps.

00:07:35 Sutherland is sporting a kick ass perm that only Sigourney Weaver could truly appreciate.

00:08:38 Sutherland finds a rat turd in the soup and immediately shuts down the restaurant. Donald Sutherland, the hero we deserve, but not the one we need.

00:10:20 Sutherland returns to his car and finds his windshield busted by the wait staff. Cool, busboys. Cool.

“Yeahhhh soooo, you guys are shut down. Like, immediately.”

00:12:11 Elizabeth and boy toy fall asleep with their rare flower of love sitting in a glass on their night stand.

00:12:52 Elizabeth awakens to find boy toy gently cleaning up broken glass. She questions him sincerely but he rises, puts the shards into a garbage pale and calmly walks outside to a waiting garbage truck. Elizabeth witnesses all of this curiously from her living room window. Long after the garbage truck has left, boy toy remains still on the sidewalk.

00:14:13 Elizabeth walks to work. Practically everyone else is sprinting, 28 Days Later-style, in the complete opposite directions. Elizabeth is quite the observant girl.

00:14:31 She arrives at the Department of Health and reports to her boss, Donald Sutherland.

00:15:03 Can we take a second to appreciate Donald Sutherland’s perm and mustache combo. Bravo, sir. Brav-o.

00:15:08 She tells him about her strange experience with the boyfriend this morning. Sutherland gives her the rat turd. Cannnnn you feeelllll the loveeeee tonighttttttt.

Awwwwww

00:16:15 Elizabeth returns home from work; apparently it was a short work day. Her boyfriend is still behaving awfully strange. Since the boyfriend appears to not be dead yet (as I’d hoped), I guess I have to give him a name. It will be Geoff.

00:16:25 Geoff tells Elizabeth that he gave away his Warriors’ season tickets to some co-worker. SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG, YOU GUYS!

00:16:51 Elizabeth attempts to get it on with Geoff but when she lays a finger on his finely combed hair, the mood shifts. He leaves the apartment and, once again, stands at his post on the sidewalk. A vehicle approaches and he enters.

00:17:12 Hey Elizabeth, girl, you should probably break up with your weird as fuck boyfriend.

00:17:37 She decides to go over to Donald Sutherland’s house. He cooks as she voices her boyfriend troubles. I mean, at least Elizabeth is about 85% more aware than most horror movie characters that her boyfriend may be fucking possessed.

00:19:11 Sutherland makes Elizabeth dinner and they converse. I can see what’s happenninggg. And they don’t have a clueeee.

00:20:07 Elizabeth does one of the weirdest things I have ever seen with her eyes. That moment may make the ‘holy shit that was horrifying’ lists for Horror Holiday. Please never do that again.

00:20:10 Sutherland is amused. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

00:21:07 The next day, Sutherland brings his stained dress shirt to the dry cleaners. The lady scolds him for his coffee stains. She probably scares away much of her business.

00:21:17 One of the employees asks Sutherland if he is a doctor. “No, health department.”

00:21:31 “My wife is sick,” the employee continues, “something’s wrong.”

00:21:45 Donald points to the lady he just gave his dress shirt to. “She okay?”

00:21:55 “No,” the man responds, “that’s not my wife.” The woman gives the man a crippling glare. “That’s not my wife,” he repeats…

00:22:56 Sutherland returns to his office and rings up Elizabeth. She doesn’t answer. Later, he walks towards the elevator and is shocked by a sweating Elizabeth. She cannot speak. After trying a few words, she simply hugs Sutherland and weeps. A janitor creepily watches from down the hall. Keep it in your pants, bro.

00:23:54 “I keep seeing these people,” Elizabeth explains later as Sutherland drives, “recognizing each other.” Elizabeth doesn’t like the idea of tight-knit communities.

00:24:07 “It’s a conspiracy,” Elizabeth concludes. We need some social media up in here to drive people apart! Too much personal interaction! This ends now!

00:24:25 Elizabeth recounts her visit to Geoff’s office. She tried to enter but his door was locked. She looked out the window and noticed him taking a stroll with a strange woman. Elizabeth pursued and realized that he was interacting with all different strange people. It’s quite obvious, Elizabeth. Geoff has joined a friendship cult. It’s time to move on and probably stare at Donald Sutherland’s hair for days on end.

“I always feeeel like somebodyyysss watching meeee“

00:26:02 Sutherland continues to drive around with his shattered windshield. I’m mildly disappointed that he isn’t Ace Ventura-ing it. Maybe he’s worried about ruining his kick ass perm.

00:27:18 Sutherland tries to tell Elizabeth a joke but Elizabeth cuts him off halfway; she has heard it before. Well I haven’t, Elizabeth, so would you stop being so rude and let the mustached man finish his goddamn joke?

00:27:25 A man runs into Sutherland’s car. Well that windshield couldn’t be anymore shattered so no harm, no foul.

00:27:30 Oh, the man’s still conscious. “Help! Help! They’re coming!” Okay, crazy man, I see that you are uninjured so can you remove yourself from my windshield? Please and thank you.

00:27:49 He runs off and about three dozen others chase after him. Cars swerve. Police men pursue. RIOT!!!

00:28:15 Sutherland follows the mob. He slowly drives past a group of people staring down at the crazy man’s bleeding body. At least his final words were ironic.

00:28:55 Oh look! It’s Jeff Goldblum! And he has big hair too! You’re not legit though until you pair it with a mustache.

00:28:57 The couple meet Goldblum at a bookstore. Sutherland calls the police from a pay phone to offer a witness report. “Yeahhhh that never happened sir. Now kindly fuck off,” says the imaginary-possessed-police-in-my-head.

00:29:44 Sutherland insists and Goldblum rants about conspiracies. Oh Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum doing Jeff Goldblum things.

00:30:07 Elizabeth overhears a woman shouting about her husband being, “not her husband. It’s someone who looks like him. An impostor!” If only Ben Affleck in Gone Girl had such keen awareness…

00:31:34 Elizabeth notices that everyone is pretty much staring at her. I don’t know, Elizabeth. Maybe rumors circulated through their friendship cult about you being newly single and you’re pretty and all. Maybe people are trying to make moves. All I’m saying is that Sutherland better lock ya up quick. And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster’s innnnn the airrrrr! Oh hey! That line may actually relate here!

00:32:36 Oh look! It’s Spock!

00:32:53 Spock lectures about change being everywhere. “People are stepping in and out of relationships too fast. They don’t want the responsibility.” If only there was an ‘it’s complicated’ status option for the friendship cult!

00:33:51 Spock continues his whole sociological spiel. I guess he’s the alien’s Socrates? Or is he just always like this? Please don’t tell me that he’s always like this because he is rather insufferable.

00:35:14 Elizabeth finally accepts what he is saying because she’s tired from being cross-analyzed for the last half hour.

00:36:29 Jeff Goldblum arrives at a mud bath place. “Oh hey,” the employee welcomes him, “is that (Spock’s) new book?” Goldblum immediately spikes the book into the ground. FUCK YEAH, GOLDBLUM!

00:38:06 Goldblum takes his mud bath. An employee begins massaging one of her clients. Classical music vibrates through the bathroom. “Can we turn the music off please?” the client requests. “No, the plants just love it,” the employee declines. “Plants have feelings, you know? Just like people.” Okay, new plan: kill the fucking plants.

00:39:54 Sutherland brings Elizabeth home but she is hesitant to enter. Sutherland offers to walk her in.

00:40:05 They find a gift plant that Geoff has left for his neglected girlfriend. FUCKING KILL IT!

00:40:42 Elizabeth is flattered by the gift (it’s a trap!) and cock-blocked Sutherland leaves. Oh, and Geoff waits eerily behind a wall. Jealous much?

00:41:07 The Mud Bath employee starts closing up for the night and she finds a body. Goldblum comes running around the corner to see what all the screaming is about.

00:42:08 Instead of calling the police or a doctor, they call Health Department deputy Sutherland. Smooth move, now he’s definitely going to shut you guys down; he was pissed over one rat turd, what do you think his reaction will be over a whole body??

00:42:39 Sutherland investigates the body. “It’s got no detail, no character,” Goldblum analyzes, “it’s like deformed.”

00:43:29 “No fingerprints either,” Goldblum continues. Man, those mud baths sure are intense!

00:44:04 Sutherland decides to call Elizabeth; has a new idea for a spontaneous date.

00:44:18 Elizabeth picks up the phone but doesn’t answer. Her face is now slightly scaly and she appears out-of-it. Geoff takes the phone and hangs up.

00:45:15 Sutherland orders Goldblum to call Spock as he drives away to find Elizabeth. Goldblum complains about being tired and wanting to lie down. Come on, man, can’t you see that shit is starting to get interesting? You can take a nap later!

00:46:07 Goldblum lies down and the employee (who may actually be his wife? I don’t fucking know) takes a closer look at the unidentified body. As she inspects it, the eyes blink open. Panicked, she runs to awaken Goldblum but he is just wayyy too into his R.E.M. cycle. Try again in like three hours.

00:46:26 Oh nevermind. Goldblum awakens and the body’s eyes close. Dun dun dunnnn.

00:46:37 Goldblum inspects (twin) Goldblum. The body begins to bleed from it’s nose.

00:46:59 Spock arrives and he is pissed! Looks like we’re in for another fucking lecture.

00:47:19 Jump cut to Sutherland arriving at Elizabeth’s apartment. He knocks but no one answers. He climbs around to the window and sees Geoff sitting in a chair. Not the way to treat your guests, Geoffrey.

00:48:30 Sutherland scrambles behind the house and breaks in. I can see the spinoff movie now: former Health Department Chief turns in his badge for a life of crime.

00:50:17 He sneaks up into Elizabeth’s room and finds two Elizabeths! One who is asleep in the bed and another who is cocooned in plants. Choose wisely!

00:50:42 Geoff enters and Sutherland hides in the closet. Geoff inspects Elizabeth and leaves. What a caring boyfriend!

00:51:30 Sutherland carries Elizabeth down the stairs. He throws her in his car and drives away. Never has a home invasion ever been more romantic.

00:52:46 Spock reports to Goldblum and (random?) employee that there is no body in the Mud Baths. Goldblum rushes through all the rooms and discovers an open window. Come on, guys. You can’t be losing dead bodies that easily. It’s never a good sign. And it’s not good business!

00:54:04 Sutherland returns with an awakened Elizabeth. He begins dialing the police. “Who are you waking up now, Donald?” Fucking Spock knows. “I’d like to report a body,” Sutherland says.

00:55:02 Sutherland returns to Geoff’s police-surrounded home. Spock wanders into the crime scene (because I guess Spock can do that?) and discovers that Elizabeth’s cocooned twin is also missing.

00:56:20 The police threaten to take Sutherland in for breaking, entering and kidnapping Elizabeth. Spock tells them that it’s all good and calls them off (because I guess Spock can fucking do that??)

00:56:44 Woah, we just got consecutive smash-zooms on some faces. I just got way too much imagery of Spock and Sutherland’s nose hairs.

00:57:03 More smash-zooms! I have now seen everyone’s nose hairs.

00:57:37 Morning: the entourage explains the whole story to Spock, who just lays on the couch like an asshole and condescendingly disallows all of the information given to him. Who even invited this guy?

00:58:45 “People are being duplicated,” Elizabeth concludes. Spock rolls his eyes. “Bah humbug. Fuck any information or knowledge not bestowed by me! You are all fools and not worthy of my efforts. Beam me up to the Enterprise!”

00:59:18 “Come on, will you listen to how you all sound?” Spock scolds the group. It’s five on one, Spock. You can quit your fucking shenanigans, we’re fucking voting on facts now.

00:59:34 “You called me in the middle of the night to help,” Spock reasons, “that’s all I’m trying to do.” Yeah, who the fuck called this guy again?

Spock being just a complete asshole.

01:00:01 Confirmed: mud bath employee is Goldblum’s wife. They just have a strange relationship.

01:00:04 Sutherland has since left to go hang out on the roof. As Goldblum does his typical Goldblum freak out, Spock joins Sutherland.

01:00:10 He tells Sutherland that he believes him but that he is skeptical. Why couldn’t you have acted reasonably all night, Spock?? Maybe he just likes being an asshole.

01:01:08 Spock leaves; promises to call some other dude. He walks down the block to his vehicle. He gets in and is greeted by Geoff. “The sooner the better,” Geoff exhales.

01:01:10 Fucking Spock.

01:01:31 Goldblum starts smelling a flower. How come we haven’t killed all the strange new plants yet?!

01:02:02 Elizabeth begs him to put. the. flower. down. She had investigated and had not found a single description of it in her flower’s almanac. Or something.

01:02:21 “Well what is it?” Goldblum mocks, “a space flower?” Woah, woah. We jumped to space flower pretty doggone quick!

01:02:26 “Well why do we expect metal ships?” the wife questions. We just jumped to the rapid conclusion of aliens pretty fucking quick, you guys. Goldblum was simply smelling a pretty flower 60 seconds ago. Now we are having a panic attack over an alien invasion? I mean, I know he’s right but this turned rather quick.

01:03:05 “Aliens are happening now,” the wife decisively announces to Sutherland. Well, shit! I guess we have an alien plant invasion then. Only took a total of 90 seconds to decide this. Seems legit!

01:03:17 Sutherland returns to his office and dials up Spock. His assistant answers and informs him that he is out of office. Sutherland makes another call, this one to an agency. He wants to report a claim of impostors. They ask him to keep it on the down-low as they do not wish to create a panic. They will call him back.

01:04:54 And they call him back. The Mayor’s assistant asks to meet in Union Square.

01:05:27 They meet. Sutherland leaves.

01:05:39 Sutherland makes a call from a pay phone. His dial out becomes intercepted by the Mayor’s assistant’s secretary. She reminds him about discretion.

01:06:06 The pay phone rings. It’s a member of the federal preparedness agency. They pretty much tell him that he has no evidence and that he is crazy. They ask him for discretion.

01:06:26 Sutherland tries a different pay phone. It rings and he answers. It’s the secretary again, telling him that he’s crazy and that his discretion is advised. Maybe stop picking up ringing pay phones, Sutherland. They don’t seem to be very kind people.

01:06:51 Sutherland decides to visit his old friend from the dry cleaners. “No, she’s better now,” the man reassures, “much better now.” Okay, that’s good and all. But do you have my goddamn dress shirt?

Something’s up

01:07:31 Day turns to night. Goldblum and the others hide out at Sutherland’s apartment. Goldblum can’t find any clear stations on the radio. Just white noise.

01:08:34 Spock returns and checks on Elizabeth who is laying in bed. Are we still inviting this guy over?

01:08:44 He gives her pills?? I know Spock is some kind of psychiatrist-author but he’s not a goddamn doctor, is he? Why does he have free rule over this faction??

01:09:39 Spock leaves. Sure, give out drugs and peace out. That doesn’t draw some concerns.

01:10:18 Sutherland exits the house and applies a lock on the gate. He sits in a lawn chair and watches the cityscape.

01:11:15 Sutherland falls asleep outside and the grass CRAWLS UP HIS SLEEVE?! The fucking grass is in on this too!?

01:12:03 The grass drags his DNA or whatever to this giant plant thing which no one recognized in his yard before and gives birth to an impostor Sutherland. Nooooo! No alien plant can replicate such a perm!

01:13:50 This birthing scene is still going on and I feel like I’m watching an actual birth. Please stop this.

01:14:45 Giant Alien Plant has now birthed four of these pod people and they’re just convulsing on the ground. Ughh, human birth may actually be less gross.

01:14:54 Wife begins screaming and Sutherland awakens to find his poorly cloned perm laying next to him.

01:15:29 They rush inside to awaken the others. Sutherland gets on the phone and calls the police. He reports the new bodies and the dispatcher informs him, “we’ll be right there, Mr. (Sutherland).”

01:15:32 “How do you know my name?”

01:16:18 Elizabeth looks outside. “The police are barricading the street.”

01:16:52 Figures begin sprinting towards the apartment.

01:17:32 The gang runs. As Sutherland runs past his poorly cloned perm, he stops and grabs a shovel. He brutally massacres his pod-person clone. Should have gotten the mustache right, Alien Plant.

01:18:50 The gang runs and the impostors chase.

01:20:42 They’re finally backed into a corner. Goldblum tells Sutherland and Elizabeth to hide and he’ll draw the impostors off. He kisses his wife and runs into the fray. Wife immediately renders his goodbye kiss meaningless and runs off after him.

01:22:31 Sutherland and Elizabeth attempt to blend in but they are quickly discovered. Everybody knows members of the Pod People Cult exclusively wears Axe: Dark Temptation body spray!

01:23:01 Chase re-ensues.

01:23:45 Sutherland and Elizabeth turn a corner and get away? They jump into a cab. “Airport, please.”

01:24:50 The cabbie questions their plans at the airport. Sutherland plays Captain Smooth and aces each intruding question.

01:25:35 The cab is stopped at a police road block but when the officer comes over to investigate the vehicle, it’s passengers have already left.

01:26:33 Sutherland and Elizabeth finally decide to hide out at the Department of Health.

01:27:18 The police show up shortly after to investigate. This isn’t an alien invasion, this is a police invasion!

01:27:30 But really, why are the Pod People from Mars playing this coy and sending single police men to hunt down the last two (maybe) remaining humans in the city? Send the swarm of Pod People, guys! They’re not getting away if you go full-on invasion. The Pod People obviously lack a strong leader.

01:28:11 Sutherland and Elizabeth escape Pod Policeman’s watch. Then they make out. CANNNN YOU FEEEEELLLL THE LOVEEEEE TONIGHTTTTTT? THE PEACE THE EVENING BRINGSSSSSSSS. THE WORLD FOR ONCEEEEE, IN PERFECT HARMONYYYYY. WITH ALL ITS LIVING THINGSSSSS!

END CREDITS

01:28:14 Just kidding. Although I could totally accept that ending.

01:29:11 Sutherland peaks through the blinds. The impostors continue their impostoring deeds, carrying their humanoid cocoons throughout the city. This could turn out to be a real cute twin thing if these two groups ever find a peaceful middle ground.

01:30:12 “Don’t fall asleep,” Sutherland warns. And with that, Wes Craven was influenced to create Nightmare on Elm Street.

01:30:13 The phone rings. Sutherland and Elizabeth refuse to answer. Somewhere, Ghost Face Killah punches a hole through the wall.

01:30:37 “Here take some speed,” Elizabeth offers, “it’ll keep us awake.”

“How many?”

“It says take one.”

“Take five,” Sutherland swallows the drugs. Invasion of the Body Snatchers just got interesting!

01:31:05 Goldblum and Wife appear in the Department of Health. And they brought friends!

01:31:24 Spock is with them and no one is surprised. I guess they just accepted that either this asshole is already a Pod Person or he’s jerk enough to just go with it anyway.

01:32:08 Spock injects Sutherland with a needle. Are we sure this guy is a licensed doctor?

01:32:11 Also Sutherland just took five speed pills. He’s totally going to O.D. with this horse tranquilizer shit Spoke is shooting him up with.

01:32:42 “I hate you,” Elizabeth tells Spock. Me too, Elizabeth. Me too.

01:33:24 Alien Spock begins another condescending lecture. Christ, this guy may be more of an asshole than the psychiatrist in Psycho.

01:33:49 “We arrived here,” Spock monologues, “from a dying planet.”

01:34:25 “…. pushed on by the solar winds…” when this monologue started, Geoff was still a human being.

01:34:42 “… the function of life…. is survival…” I’m pretty sure Sutherland’s speed pills have worn off over the course of this lecture.

01:34:51 Sutherland pushes Spock and strangles Goldblum. Elizabeth breaks a bottle over Spock’s head. Enough of your fucking monologuing!

01:35:03 They stash Spock’s unconscious body in the freezer and begin their escape.

01:35:27 Sutherland and Elizabeth run into Wife on the staircases. They freeze and Wife stares. She finally breaks the silence with tears, “(Goldblum) and I got separated, I can’t find him.”

01:35:47 “How did you get in here,” Sutherland interrogates.

“They’re easy to fool,” Wife explains, “don’t show any emotions and they can’t identify you.”

Now that explains why they hired such a forgettable actress!

01:36:31 The gang walk out of the Health Department lobby. Their blank expressions fool their intruders.

01:37:31 They’re detected by some crazy looking dog with a bearded human face (I don’t fucking know). An old Pod lady screams like a siren; Sutherland full-on slaps her.

01:37:43 Sutherland and Elizabeth begin running as the impostors direct their attention unto them. Wife sneaks away into the shadows.

01:38:15 They sprint and board a moving semi truck. It outpaces their attackers and continues on.

01:39:10 They reach their destination: a construction yard full of fork lifts, construction vehicles, and cocoons. The two of them escape undetected.

01:40:54 Elizabeth realizes that now would be the worst time to sprain one’s ankle so she does exactly that. Sutherland carries her into some foliage. They notice ships in the harbor so Sutherland goes off to investigate a possible escape route. Bagpipes play ‘Amazing Grace’ in the background. Apparently, in the Pod People’s limited time on Earth, they’ve learned the art of bagpipes.

01:42:55 Sutherland realizes that the ships are alien controlled as well so he returns to Elizabeth, who has fallen asleep.

01:43:39 By the way, how long ago did Spock inject Sutherland with that sedative? Is the speed counteracting against it?

01:44:16 Woahhh. Elizabeth just fucking melted in Sutherland’s hands. That’s new. Sutherland cries.

01:44:29 A completely naked Elizabeth appears behind him. Sutherland is simultaneously horrified and slightly aroused.

01:44:57 She begs him to join her. One of us. One of us. Sutherland runs.

01:46:22 He climbs up scaffolding and sneaks around on the catwalk of the facility’s Greenhouse of Evil. He sets his eyes on an ax. Fuck yeah.

01:47:15 He grabs the ax and hacks away at the massive overhanging lights in the Greenhouse of Evil. The beam of bulbs fall and IGNITE THE ALIEN PLANTS IN BLAZING FIRE.

01:48:36 The whole facility goes up in flames. Still-completely naked Elizabeth arrives to witness the destruction. She points up to Sutherland on the catwalk and screams the Pod People’s trademarked Siren sound.

01:49:22 Sutherland is chased by the impostors but the exploding Greenhouse of Horrors engulfs most of the invaders.

01:50:34 Sutherland sneaks underneath the dock as the search continues. One of the Pod People sticks a flashlight down one of the gaps in the dock and shines it right into the camera. The screen goes white.

01:51:01 Daylight. Sutherland stands in the middle of town square as children hop off a school bus and cocoons are carried off trucks.

01:51:40 He returns to the Department of Health and watches as scientists in the lab experiment with equipment. He then leaves to sit in his office.

01:52:42 He notices others in the hall walking single file. He rises and joins them. He eventually breaks off and wanders around town square. He hears his name and stops. To his left is Wife. She approaches him but stops. Sutherland points his finger and screams the siren of the Pod People. Wife drops helplessly to her knees.

END CREDITS

That’s a wrap on Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Whoever thought plants could do so much damage? Well we learned to not trust rare species of flowers because they may try to clone you and take over the universe, that Spock can be a complete dick sometimes and that Goldblum has quite the awkward relationship with his wife.

I mean seriously. I apologize for how confusing this diary log must be with not giving her a name but he really just treated her like some random employee at a mud bathhouse. And I’m not giving her a name in editing either! We’re keeping it this way!

Anyway, Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a pretty good horror film. It’s already considered a classic but I don’t think this generation ever considers it when rattling off the best horror movies. Oh and Donald Sutherland pulls off the best mustache/perm combo in film history. No one will ever come close.

Sources

• Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Dir. Philip Kaufman. Perf. Donald Sutherland, Brooke Adams. Solofilm, 1978.
• http://www.lionking.org/lyrics/OBCR/CanYouFeel.html
• Cover Image

Psycho

00:00:00 Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock’s horror classic Psycho!

Yeah, let’s just get to it!

Take us away, Mr. Hitchcock!

00:00:30 Andddd we’re black and white. CAN YOU FEEL THAT GRITTINESS?!

00:00:54 The opening orchestra rocks out with the Pyscho theme music as the beginning credits stream by. Did you know George Lucas’ Star Wars was one of the first films to do the production credits after the movie? Before Star Wars, every movie had a two minute opening credits sequence.

00:02:21 And we begin!

00:02:30 A cue card reads Phoenix, Arizona. Friday December 11th, 2:43 pm.

00:03:30 We open up in a couple’s bedroom. The man begs her not to go into work today, that he needs her at home.

00:03:44 Scratch that, apparently they are in a hotel room because the man is having an out-of-town affair.

00:05:46 The couple have some sort of deep conversation about their complicated relationship but I’m not interested. The woman has short blonde hair. She wants more commitment from her man but the guy rattles off like seven different excuses why they can’t extend their intimacy past sketchy hotel sex.

00:07:37 The blonde haired woman, Marion Cane, finally returns to work. Apparently this was her lunch break?

00:07:40 Marion is a secretary at a realtor’s office. Big housing business going down in southern Arizona, I hear.

00:08:15 A cowboy-wannabe client comes into the office and tries flirting with Marion by talking about his own daughter. Why don’t characters in horror movies know how to flirt? This is beginning to become a dilemma!

00:08:38 “You know what I do with my unhappiness?” The client questions Marion, “I buy it off. Are you unhappy?” Now there’s a pickup line!

00:08:47 She shuts him down though. The cowboy hat wearing-client continues to brag about the house he is about to buy from her agency. “I have 40,000 cash,” and Marion’s boss’ jaw drops.

00:10:04 Marion’s boss instructs her to put the $40,000 in the safe. He doesn’t want it sitting in the office all weekend.

00:10:50 Marion asks to be excused for the day, cites a headache. But she will bring the client’s money to the bank.

00:11:28 Marion returns home and surprise! She never brought the money to the bank. She packs a suitcase and high tails it out of the state. Yeah! Fuck, Arizona, amirite?

00:13:08 She begins her drive out of Phoenix. She daydreams of her lover but is brought back to reality when she stops at a crosswalk and her boss and client stroll by. She panics but her boss merely gives her attention.

00:14:37 A police car pulls over to investigate an immobilized car on the side of the road. He peers in and Marion awakes. He probes her with some basic questions but Marion appears startled.

00:16:14 The officer requests her license and registration. He checks her plates and returns her identification to her. She drives away.

00:17:00 The officer begins to follow her.

00:17:19 She takes some exit ramps and the officer continues a steady pursuit.

00:17:45 Finally, the officer pulls off.

00:18:32 Marion drives into a car dealership and grabs a newspaper while waiting for an employee to help her. The police officer returns. Take it easy, Michael Myers, she’s not that into you.

00:19:28 Marion asks the dealer if she can trade in her car. She peers over her shoulder as the officer watches from across the street. Just saying, Marion probably doesn’t have this ongoing conflict if she doesn’t act so suspicious when the police officer asks her how her day’s going. “Uh uh uh fine sir. Now go away!” does not qualify for ‘keeping one’s cool’.

Now she’s trying to trade in her vehicle with the officer watching from across the street? You have to chill, girl!

00:22:42 The car dealer admits to Marion that he has some concerns about someone just swinging by and buying a car without even a test run. “I’m not on the run or anything,” Marion speaks all too fast, “What, you don’t like spontaneous women?”

00:22:45 By the way, the dealer has been glancing over to the onlooking police officer. Come on, Marion, poker face!

00:23:02 The dealer and Marion go into the office to finalize the transaction. The police officer pulls into the dealership and looks around.

00:23:36 Marion emerges from the office and, upon seeing the police officer, enters her new car and begins to drive away.

00:23:40 “Hey!” a mechanic shouts. Marion stops the vehicle. “You forgot your suitcase, m’aam.”

The car dealer and the police office exchange puzzled looks. Smoooooth, Marion.

00:23:45 Marion drives away. She day dreams of the potential conversation between the dealer and the officer.

00:24:31 Day turns to night. Marion begins to day dream about her boss finding out about the money. She starts to panic. Play it coooool, Marion. You have dodged two unnecessary bullets already. Stop creating conflict for yourself! You’re cool girl. Where the fuck are we driving to anyway?!

“LOL I don’t know where I’m driving to!”

00:26:07 Torrential downpours impair Marion’s vision. She pulls over to the Bates Motel. The sign is lit up for Vacancy and no vehicles occupy the lot. Marion chooses this as her destination anyway. Our girl Marion cannot make decisions under pressure.

00:27:56 The office is locked. Marion notices a light emitting from the neighboring house. A man walks past one of the windows. Marion jumps back into her car and starts wailing on the horn. Jesus Christ, Marion, alrightttt.

00:28:37 A man emerges and apologizes. He opens up the office. “12 vacancies, 12 cabins! Your lucky day!” You have to get the fuck out of there, Marion.

00:29:14 Marion signs for a room anyway. Dammit Marion. Do you want to use one of your life lines and ask the audience? Phone a friend? We need an intervention.

00:30:11 The man, Norman Bates, sets her up in room number one. “Because it’s close to the office,” Bates grins.

Hello, Norman Bates

00:30:59 Bates asks Marion to have dinner with him up at the house. Marion accepts. Goddammit Marion. We offered you life lines, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style. Not many other protagonists get that chance!

00:32:03 Marion unpacks her suitcase. Oh nowwwww you feel safe?

00:32:35 Marion overhears voices from the house on the hill. A raspy-voiced woman scolds Norman over the lady he offered dinner to. Norman argues with his mother and returns to Room #1.

00:33:56 Norman brings down tea for Marion. He breaks the news that she’s not allowed to come for dinner. Whew, dodged a bullet with that one. “Well, since you brought tea,” Marion begins, “why don’t we have some in your office.” Christ, Marion.

00:35:31 Marion eats and Norman watches. “You eat like a bird,” Norman compliments. Thanks, Norman?

00:36:10 “My hobby is stuffing things,” Norman offers unprovoked. He tells Marion that his hobby is taxidermy. Marion is fascinated. Christ.

00:37:00 We would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being. She is now flirting with Norman Bates. So the police officer who checks on your safety is ‘out to get you’ but the strange man who ‘stuffs things’ and watches you eat is cool? Arizona is weird, man.

00:37:20 “Do you have any friends to go along with those hobbies?” Marion flirts “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother,” Norman utters under his breath. I’ve ran out of warning flags. I have to walk around and pick them back up just in case I need to throw more into the air.

00:37:31 “Where are you headed?” the strange man asks. “I’m looking for a private island,” Marion answers.

00:37:40 “What are you running away from?”

00:37:45 “Well why do you say that?”

00:38:42 Norman and Marion then discuss his mother. I don’t remember how we got here.

00:39:30 Norman gives Marion the brief history of his mother and the hotel. Her husband convinced her to invest in it but passed away rather gruesomely. “She’s been rather ill since,” Norman delivers.

00:40:52 “See,” Norman concludes, “I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become.” Marion just stares. Come on, Marion, I’ve pick up all my red flags. I’m throwing two more right in your face. You’ve. got. to. leave.

00:40:21 Marion offers her opinion that Norman should put his mother somewhere, like an institution.

00:41:04 Norman is offended. He glares at Marion and defends his mother. By the way, I haven’t seen him blink in about five minutes.

00:42:15 “It’s not… that she’s a maniac,” Norman stutters, “she just goes a little mad sometimes.” His eyes raise to meet Marion. “We all go a little mad sometimes.” His stare travels miles through her.

00:42:36 A grin breaks his face, “Haven’t you?”

00:42:40 Marion shyly answers, “yes. One time. Sometimes one time is enough.”

00:43:01 Norman’s grin holds.

00:43:42 Marion tells Bates that she plans to go back to Arizona tomorrow. She has business she hopes on fixing. She leaves and Norman returns to his office.

00:44:44 He stands unflinching for around 20 seconds then approaches the wall and removes a painting. A tiny peep hole appears. He puts his eye to the oculus and watches Marion undress. Creepy, bro.

00:46:01 He finally leaves the office and returns to the house.

00:46:32 Marion calculates her spendings thus far in the trip. She shakes her head at it and then rips it to shreds.

00:47:07 She enters the bathroom and disrobes to shower.

00:47:32 As she showers, a shadow approaches behind the curtain. A woman rips the divider back and reveals a butcher’s knife. She stabs Marion repeatedly and her blood washes down the drain.

Uh-oh

00:49:08 Gee, no wonder why the Bates Motel isn’t popular. How many stars do you think it got on Expedia?

00:49:55 The camera pans up to the house. “Mother, what’s this blood?” Norman questions, “oh god!”

00:50:05 He rushes down to Room #1. Marion’s death is confirmed. Beside himself, he leaves the room and returns to his office.

00:51:38 He emerges with a mop and bucket. So is this a common occurrence? He’s got supplies on hand. The mop is practically labeled, “blood only.”

00:52:37 Norman begins disposing of the body.

00:52:51 What do you think? 2.5 stars? It’s got a good per-night price and if you don’t insult Mrs. Bates you could make it a second night half price!

00:54:14 Norman wipes down the entire bathroom. Exceptional maid service! Can’t say anything about the customer service though. Call back later.

00:55:38 Oh my god are we still cleaning up the crime scene? Am I supposed to root for Norman Bates because he seems like a pretty nice guy who is above average at cleaning blood out of showers?

00:56:51 Bates puts Marion’s body in her car and finishes up the cleaning. Somehow he has yet to find the $40,000.

00:57:38 He has packed her suitcase, wrapped the body up and even folded her clothes nicely. The $40,000 still sits wrapped in newspaper on the bed stand. He even stole her comb! Dude!!!

00:57:40 HE LEAVES THE ROOM WITH THE ONLY THING LEFT BEING THE MONEY IN THE NEWSPAPER! Can we offer Norman some life lines?

00:58:08 Norman, having chose ‘ask the audience,’ returns to the room to pick up the newspaper. He casually tosses it into the trunk and drives away.

00:59:06 He drives the car into a swamp and ditches it. It sinks.

00:59:37 I don’t get it, man. You’re so detail oriented but when it comes to the weight of a normal newspaper, you’re oblivious. $40,000 of cash is heavy. Newspapers? Typically aren’t that heavy.

01:01:24 Marion’s sister Lila shows up at Marion’s boy toy’s hardware store. She’s looking for Marion. Boy Toy gives about seven different excuses why he wouldn’t know where Marion is. Smooooth.

01:01:50 Marion’s been missing for nearly a week and Lila is concerned.

01:02:16 Another man enters. He introduces himself as Private Investigator Arbogast. “Where is she, Miss Crane?”

01:02:32 PI Arbogast informs them about his case against Marion. “She’s got 40,000 reasons to disappear.”

01:03:55 Arbogast firmly believes she is in the same town as her boy toy. Cue investigation montage!

01:04:36 Montage ends with Arbogast arriving at the Bates Motel.

01:05:03 “Evening,” Norman greets the man, “we have vacancies. Twelve in fact. Twelve cabins, twelve vacancies.”

01:05:50 Arbogast questions Bates about his missing person. He hands Bates a picture but he shakes his head.

01:07:01 Arbogast continues to dig at Bates but Norman keeps his cool. See, Marion, if you took some lessons from the awkward taxidermist, you could have avoided a mother’s rage fit.

01:07:37 Arbogast checks the hotel log and notices an alias similar to Marion’s. Bate chews his gum harder. “Want to take a look at the picture again?” Arbogast offers.

01:07:58 “Oh yeah I do remember her….”

01:08:12 Bates provides the story of his interactions with Marion. Arbogast messes with his psyche. Note to Marion: maybe don’t take lessons from Norman.

01:09:39 Norman mentions that she paid in cash but I wonder if he even got paid. She never checked out and then Bates sank the 40 grand down with the ship.

01:09:41 That’s what I call a sunk cost. I’ll show myself out.

01:10:40 Bates offers to show Arbogast all twelve of the cabins. The Private Investigator is distracted by a figure in the window of the house. Bates tells him that it’s his mother but she is confined. Norman lets slip that his mother interacted with Marion but declines when Arbogast asks for a conversation.

01:13:20 Arbogast drives to a pay phone and reports his findings to Lila. He’s slightly suspicious of the motel.

01:14:30 The orchestra has not stopped once in the entire movie. I think it’s infecting my mind. My entire life will now be narrated by a grand orchestra.

01:14:35 Actually that doesn’t sound all too bad.

01:15:59 Arbogast returns to the Bates Motel but does not find Norman. He investigates and wanders up into the house.

01:16:10 By the way, maybe we should add ‘motels with completely open vacancies’ to the DO NOT ENTER list. Marion had 40 grand and she couldn’t find a better hotel?

01:17:30 Arbogast explores the house. He lingers a little too long at a shadow underneath the door. Mama Bates emerges with her good ole butcher’s knife and murders Arbogast.

01:19:00 Back at the hardware store, Lila and Boy Toy panic over Arbogast’s radio silence. Boy Toy drives up to the Bates Motel to investigate but he returns with nothing.

01:20:38 Boy Toy and Lila decide to see some Doctor. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s got connections to Doctor Loomis. Michael and the Bates family have similar murder techniques anyway.

01:22:55 My bad, turns out the doctor is really a sheriff. I’m bummed. A Bates/Myers crossover film could have been kick ass.

01:23:08 They finally convince the sheriff to call Norman Bates’ telephone. Bates answers.

01:23:36 Norman tells the sheriff that the Private Investigator came and went. Lila pries that Arbogast called and said he was returning to speak with Mama Bates.

01:23:59 The Sheriff snickers. “M’aam, Mrs. Bates has been dead for the last eight years.” Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

01:24:03 Oh what? Come on, grand orchestra, you can’t give me that?

01:24:30 Sheriff tells them about the murder-suicide between her and the lover. The sheriff’s interest is peaked when Boy Toy mentions seeing an old women sitting in the window of the house.

01:25:55 Norman Bates puts down the phone receiver. He climbs the stairs and enters his mom’s bedroom. A woman’s voice projects from the room and converses with Bates. He threatens to carry her out of her room and he does. False alarm guys, Norman Bates is only moderately insane..

01:28:33 Lila and Boy Toy construct a plan: they will go to the Bates Motel and register as husband and wife to investigate on their own.

01:29:44 They meet Norman and receive a room. Busy week for the Bates Motel! They must be getting some good reviews on Trip Advisor!

01:31:05 Bates gave the couple Room #10. Unless he has other peep holes, Bates subconsciously admits that he’s not all that interested in Marion’s sister. Lila is insulted! But not really.

01:32:48 Lila and Boy Toy sneak into Room #1 while Bates is AWOL. They search the place high and low but, gosh darn it, that Norman Bates is one hell of a maid!

01:33:54 Lila finds a shard of paper that Marion shredded. It is the decisive shard as well; it has most of the ‘$40,000’ figure written on it. What a find!

01:34:52 Mama Bates fires Norman from maid duties.

01:35:09 Boy Toy finds Norman in his office and distracts him while Lila climbs up to the house.

01:36:02 Lila finds the front door left opened and she enters.

01:36:31 Boy Toy does some seducing on Norman Bates to keep his attention away from the intruder. Be careful, Boy Toy, I hear Norman is into some kinky stuff.

01:37:26 Lila invades Mama Bates’ bedroom. She notices the natural imprint of a sleeping body in the mattress.

01:38:58 Lila investigates further. She enters the adjacent room and finds a much smaller cot and a bunch of stuffed animals.

01:39:41 Awww fuck. I just figured it all out. Fuckkkkkk.

01:40:02 Boy Toy drops the buzz word “40 grand” and Norman freaks. He takes a heavy object and knocks Boy Toy out cold.

01:40:49 Lila hides and Norman rushes back into the house. She sneaks down into the cellar and finds a woman sitting in the corner.

01:41:09 “Mrs. Bates?” Lila approaches, “Mrs. Bates?” She touches the woman’s shoulder and spins her around. Mama Bates’ eye sockets are empty and she’s been motherfucking taxidermied. What the fucking fuck, Norman!?

01:41:25 Lila screams and turns around. Norman Bates is in the doorway dressed as his mother with his butcher’s knife held high.

01:41:32 Mrs. Norman Bates charges but he is restrained by SUPERMAN BOY TOY. Whatta hero!

01:42:05 Lila and Boy Toy end up in the police station. A psychiatrist is interrogating Bates. No more than 20 seconds pass and the psychiatrist bursts through the door like he’s goddamn Kramer. “Oh I’ve got the story alright!” the psychiatrist brags. He pauses and glares around the room for dramatic effect. Okay, dude, you’re a psychiatrist. Stop trying to withhold information like a teenager with juicy new gossip.

01:42:10 “And I got it….” sigh, “from his mother!” Dun dun dunnnnn. Oh wait. We already knew about that. That’s totally yesterday’s news, man. Go back over to the nerdddsss table.

01:42:32 “See,” the psychiatrist continues, “his mother no longer exists. She only half exists within him. But now, the other half has taken over…” pauses again, “probably for all time.” When did fucking Socrates show up to the party?

01:42:40 “Did he kill my sister?” asks Lila.

01:42:42 “Yes…” the psychiatrist finally gives a straight answer… “and no!” Le sigh. We were so close.

01:43:03 Confusion. Lila speaks. “But then my sister is…”

01:43:05 “Yup, dead.” Wow, thanks for beating us around the bush, Plato.

01:43:44 Okay, I’m done with this guy. He’s doing a monologue like he battled fucking dragons and a swarm of zombies to speak to Norman Bates. He continues on to tell us that Norman killed both his mother and his step father and probably killed many other motel residents. But he does it in the most asshole way imaginable.

01:45:05 Come on, man. We’re at the hour forty-five mark. Stop stretching this ‘Norman Bates isn’t a real boy’ conclusion out for five fucking minutes.

01:45:21 “…so he assumed that she was jealous of him. Therefore, a strong attraction to another woman would cause the mother side of him to go wild….” Lila falls asleep and Boy Toy finds a new woman to cheat on his wife with.

01:45:33 “… when he met your sister, he was touched by her, aroused by her. That’s what set off the jealous mother and the mother kills the girl…” the police officers solve 16 additional cold cases in the time of this asshole’s undeserved monologue.

01:45:40 “… and like a dutiful son, he cleaned up the crime that he was convinced his mother convicted…” When this monologue started this movie was a silent talkie.

01:46:14 “… but he was doing everything he could to keep the illusion of his mother being alive…” When this monologue started, the Romans occupied all twelve rooms of the Bates Motel.

01:46:31 “… he’d walk around the house, sit in her chair, speak in her voice…” When this monologue started, Mrs. Bates actually existed.

01:46:52 “… and that’s what I meant when I said I got the story from his mother.” Holy cow, are you finally finished!?

01:46:47 “…..” asshole stares around the room at the bored-to-death people in the room. “See, when the mind believes…” fuckkkkkkk!

01:47:04 “What about the $40,000?” someone finally asks. “Oh it’s lost in the swamp.” Alright, that’s all we need to know. Let’s wrap up the movi…

01:47:07 “… see, Mrs. Bates is about passion, not profit…” I’m pretty sure Norman Bates could have been tried in front of a jury in the time this asshole monologued.

01:48:01 Marion’s car is fished out of the swamp and that nice old Cowboy gets to buy his $40,000 home! All’s well that ends well!

End

That’s a wrap on Psycho. Norman Bates could be a sick crossover film with Michael Myers. Or he can even soothsay for Jason Voorhees. Can we build the slasher Avengers?

Basically if Marion doesn’t rob the client then have a complete breakdown of her common sense, this movie doesn’t happen.

Worse, Marion could have saved me from the psychiatrists monologue. That was rather selfish of you, Marion.

Sources

• Psycho. Dir. Alfred Hitchcock. Perf. Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh. Shamley Productions, 1960.
• Cover Image

Halloween

00:00:00 What would Halloween be without watching Michael Myers force his family to love him? We’re writing about the original Halloween, the movie that Friday the 13th admittedly ripped off; oh and also spawned about ten sequels and two Rob Zombie remakes.

Halloween is John Carpenter’s masterpiece. I just wrote up Scream the other day and it’s director, Wes Craven, takes one too many shots at the king. Sure, he made a lot of shitty films after the fact but the man invented the slasher horror genre and introduced us to the Scream Queen herself, Jamie Lee Curtis.

So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Halloween on Halloween!

00:00:57 We’re staring at a poorly carved pumpkin as the infamous Halloween music plays. “Introducing Jamie Lee Curtis.” GET HYPED!

00:02:23 Cue card reads Haddonfield, Illinois. Halloween Night, 1963.

00:03:05 We get some first-person camera-angle action while approaching a house. We look through the side window and watch a couple make out. They leave the room and continue the action upstairs in the bedroom.

00:04:20 We enter the back door and grab a butcher’s knife from the kitchen drawer. Hopefully this isn’t a Mrs. Voorhees fake-out again? I was super disappointed, in Friday the 13th, when I found that our first person bad assery wasn’t because we were Jason. We were goddamn Betsy Palmer. Such bullshit.

00:04:35 Also, Friday the 13th directly ripped off Halloween’s opening sequence. Were there any legal suits filed after that was released?

00:05:42 The boyfriend leaves the house. Guess he gets business done quick? We put on a mask and sneak behind our half naked sister.

00:05:50 We stab our half naked sister.

00:06:25 We exit the house and approach our parents who just pulled up in their car. Father pulls the mask off our face and the camera spins around to show us, in full clown costume holding a bloody butcher’s knife.

00:06:30 Is it safe to say Stephen King was influenced from this image alone?

00:06:36 Oh and by the way, it’s confirmed. I can finally say it! WE ARE MICHAEL FUCKING MYERS!

We’ve been discovered! Flee!!

00:07:09 Smith’s Grove, Illinois. October 30th, 1978.

00:08:01 A nurse drives Dr. Sam Loomis through the rain. They are heading to the asylum. She’s nervous. Being a nurse and it being 1978, she’s obviously smoking cigarettes.

00:08:30 Loomis briefs the nurse on his client. He hasn’t spoken in 15 years and he needs to be heavily sedated.

00:08:47 “You’re serious about it, aren’t you,” the nurse pokes, “you never want him to get out?”

“Never,” Loomis replies, “never, ever.” Never ever ever??

00:09:38 The car pulls up to the hospital and a number of patients are wandering around outside in the rain. Loomis goes to check with the guard and one of the patients climbs on top of the vehicle and grabs the nurse’s hair. Maybe he just wants to bum a cigarette.

00:11:01 For some reason, the nurse dives from the car and into a ditch. The patient steals the vehicle and drives away. A successful heist!

00:11:05 Loomis panics.

00:11:07 Michael Myers is free.

00:11:11 Haddonfield. Halloween.

00:12:28 Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie Strode, walks through her peaceful suburban neighborhood on her way to high school. She runs into the child she’s supposed to baby sit tonight (Tommy) and they chit chat all buddy buddy. What a beautiful town! Nothing can go wrong today!

00:14:20 Curtis detours at a run down house and drops off a set of keys. Her parents are realtors and they’re selling the old Myers’ house. After she turns, a figure appears and watches her walk away. Michael is totally checking Jamie Lee out.

All hail the Scream Queen

00:14:45 Dr. Loomis screams at the inept asylum warden. No client of Loomis escapes under his watch! He exclaims that Haddonfield is in danger. “I know exactly where he’s going.”

“Oh yeah?” the inept warden teases, “Come on, Doc. He doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“Well he drove pretty well last night!” Loomis gets in his car, “someone must have been giving him lessons.” Loomis pulls out of a handicap spot in which he was double parked in.

00:15:44 Curtis is super bored in class so she stares out the window. A head watches her from behind a parked car across the street. She returns her attention to class but when she gazes back out towards the suspicious figure, him and the car are gone. Dun dun dunnnn.

00:16:35 Jerk kids tease Tommy at school. They trip him and he falls and smashes his pumpkin. Awwwww.

00:17:41 Michael Myers witnesses all of this. He scares off the bullies and stalks slowly behind Tommy while he walks home. What a good guy that Michael is! Always looking out for people’s safety. Maybe we should nominate Mr. Myers for neighborhood watch!

00:20:24 Jamie Lee Curtis and her two gal pals walk home from school. Curtis turns around and notices that the car from earlier is following them. The figure stares at them as he passes but then accelerates ahead. “Hey! Speed kills!” shouts one of Curtis’ friends.

The car abruptly stops. The group stares and, after a minute, the vehicle speeds off.

00:24:12 Curtis begins seeing the strange figure sneaking peaks at her while walking home. Michael totally has a little crush.

Sup.

00:26:27 She finally returns home and witnesses the masked figure staring at her through her window.

00:27:27 The phone rings. Jamie Lee Curtis answers. “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Nah just kidding. Nobody answers her hellos and she hangs up.

00:29:05 Jamie Lee gets ready for her babysitting adventure. Her friend picks her up. I’d give her friend a real name but I honestly don’t know the character’s name or the actress who plays her. We’ll call her Brown Eyed Girl. You’re welcome, Van Morrison.

00:30:27 Loomis arrives in Haddonfield. Surprisingly he only caused two highway pile ups! He has an undertaker lead him to Myers’ parent’s tombstone. The undertaker attempts to lecture him on the history of Michael Myers like it’s some tourist attraction but Loomis tells him to shut up, bitch.

00:30:45 Loomis finds the tombstone unearthed and missing. “Michael’s home.” You’re goddamn right he is!

00:31:14 Brown Eyed Girl and Jamie Lee smoke some weed while driving and listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Michael Myers’ car pulls around the intersection and tailgates them. This guy is freaking everywhere. He’s taking his responsibility as neighborhood watch seriously.

00:33:45 Brown Eyed Girl teases Curtis that she should ask somebody to the Halloween dance. I’m sure Michael would be interested. Maybe he’s just trying to find the perfect time to ask Curtis. So cute. He should hold a boom box over his head Say Anything…-style and have his theme music blasting through the subs. How could she say no!

00:35:30 It’s dark and Brown Eyed Girl finally reaches their destination. Somehow the mysterious car followed them the whole time without anyone checking the rear view mirror. Curtis gets out of the car and Brown Eyed Girl pulls into the house across the street. Apparently she is babysitting for a neighboring child but Jamie Lee and Brown Eyed Girl failed to plan a joint babysitting operation.

00:37:24 Loomis and a local sheriff inspect the old Myers’ home. Loomis tells the sheriff his experience with Michael. He met him when he was six years old and was his doctor for eight more. “What I saw behind those eyes were pure evil.”

“What do we do?” the sheriff offers. Seriously? A medical doctor says he saw pure evil and that’s evidence enough that this is a serious threat? I mean, good instincts because you are totally right. But typically I think you should take the claim of ‘pure evil’ with a grain of salt when it comes to interpreting the law.

00:39:34 Loomis decides that he will stay in the Myers house as he believes Michael will return home. Your call, dude.

Doc Loomis

00:41:40 Brown Eyed Girl calls Curtis and gossips about a potential date she just nabbed. Don’t taunt Michael, Moondance.

00:42:53 Brown Eyed Girl pours coffee all over herself and decides that the appropriate action is to strip completely naked. Michael watches from the outside window but gets too embarrassed and rushes off.

00:45:32 Tommy says that he is afraid of the boogeyman. See, John Carpenter, you saved the horror genre! No more lame, old boogeyman. Now we even have cult slashers!

00:46:41 Apparently Brown Eyed Girl’s laundry machine is outside in a completely different building from the house. She goes outside and Michael locks her in the laundry outhouse.

00:48:17 The girl she is babysitting finally gets up from the couch and frees her babysitter. Brown Eyed Girl receives a call from her boyfriend who says that his parents are gone and they should totally hook up. Brown Eyed Girl drops her child off with Curtis. Jerk move, Caravan.

00:51:48 Neighborhood Watch Commander Michael will make you pay for your sins of horniness!

00:53:45 Brown Eyed Girl hops into her car and realizes that the windows are all fogged up. Michael springs from the back seat and stabs Brown Eyed Girl to death. You get ‘em, Captain Myers!

00:56:18 Tommy glances across the street and sees Michael carrying Brown Eyed Girl into the house. Wow, way to be discreet, Mike.

00:58:08 Loomis creepily stalks behind the bushes at Michael’s house. I thought when he said he’ll wait for Michael and all, he’d wait inside or even in his car. But hiding in the bushes is so much weirder, dude. Some punk kids show up and dare each other to knock on Old Man Myers’ door.

“Hey, kid,” Loomis distorts his voice, “get your ass away from there.” He giggles as the kids scatter. Come on, Looms. You’re a grown-ass man.

00:58:25 The sheriff returns and questions Loomis’ legitimacy. Apparently ‘pure evil’ doesn’t check out with the Police Captain. “Death has come to your town,” tries Loomis. ‘Man, that sure sounds spooky!’ says Sheriff No-Brains, ‘You have my attention, Doc!’

01:00:25 Jamie Lee’s other best friend shows up at crime scene numero uno. Her and her boyfriend start hooking up as Michael watches from the other room. Be safe, kids! And always wear a condom! Thanks Mike! Whatta guy!

01:03:01 Other best friend (we’ll call her Sheryl Crow. I don’t even have a reason) has sex with her boyfriend in the bed of the family Brown Eyed Girl was babysitting. That’s totally weird and I think qualifies for neighborhood watch intervention.

01:03:11 Oh hey Michael! This guy is never too far away from a neighborhood-related incident.

01:04:29 The boyfriend heads down to the kitchen for some food. Michael jumps out of the kitchen cabinet and holds the teen up by his throat. “Halt,” the imaginary-Michael-Myers-in-my-head says, “you have violated the sanctity of this home. You must now vacate the premises….” Real-Michael Myers just stabs him with his butcher’s knife and lets him hang from it for a while. Ummm I guess the punishment fits the crime? We may need to bring this case up at the next PTA meeting, Mike.

Dishing out discipline, Michael Myers style.

01:06:19 Sheryl Crow is laying in bed when Michael opens the bedroom door cloaked in a ghost-like sheet and her (ex-)boyfriend’s glasses. 10 points for creativity, Michael!

01:07:11 Topless Sheryl Crow has an awkward one-way conversation with her not-boyfriend. To break off the awkwardness, she calls Jamie Lee Curtis. Michael chooses to make his move, strangling Crow with the telephone cord. Curtis, though, just assumes it’s her sex noises and laughs it off.

01:08:49 Curtis redials the house but nobody answers. Ghost Face Killah would have punched a goddamn wall.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong? Just come back to bed.”

01:09:19 Meanwhile, back with Loomis dicking around behind the bushes….

01:10:01 He turns around, like literally turns around and recognizes the car Michael stole from him the night before. How long have you been standing facing the bushes, Looms, and not noticed your damn vehicle 50 feet away. You’ve been here for hours!

01:11:05 Jamie Lee Curtis walks over to the neighboring house to investigate on her friends. I think she’s secretly worried they’re throwing a house party and she wasn’t invited. Teenagers, man.

01:12:57 She wanders around back and notices the door ajar. She enters.

01:13:45 She adventures around the dark house, for some reason refusing to turn any lights on during her investigation. She cautiously ascends the stair case.

01:15:14 Curtis notices a light escaping from underneath the bed room door. She wades in and finds Brown Eyed Girl sprawled out atop the bed with Judith Myers’, Michael’s mother, tombstone balanced on the head board.

01:15:45 The Scream Queen screams.

01:15:57 Jamie Lee also finds the boyfriend’s and still half-naked Sheryl Crow’s bodies hanging out in the room.

01:16:05 Don’t panic, Curtis. I think Michael is just asking you to the Halloween Ball!

01:16:49 Michael appears behind her and attempts a stab but misses and cuts her arm. Curtis runs. Okay, maybe Michael isn’t that interested in you after all. And maybe we need to have a committee hearing on his future neighborhood watch duties.

01:18:15 Curtis escapes the house and screams for help. She runs around, knocking on neighboring doors. Wow, this is a pretty lame town to trick or treat in.

01:19:16 Curtis returns to Tommy’s house. It’s locked but he lets her in. Somehow Michael climbs through a window.

01:20:31 His attempt to stab her backfires when she counterattacks with a sewing needle to the neck. Michael passes out and Curtis confiscates his butcher’s knife. JAMIE LEE’S GOT THE UPPER HAND!

01:21:52 Assuming him for dead, Jamie Lee leaves Michael passed out in the living room to check on the kids. This obviously backfires and Myers stands behind her within 30 seconds.

01:23:57 She hides in a closet and Michael tries to break in with his knife. Wait, did Jamie Lee leave his knife with him too? You had the upper hand, Curtis! Come on!

01:24:52 Anyway, Michael busts through the door guns blazing but instantly drops his butcher’s knife. Jamie Lee picks it up and stabs him.

01:25:47 Jamie Lee again ditches Michael to talk to the kids. Michael rises again in like 15 fucking seconds.

01:25:57 The kids run out of the house screaming, Scream Prince and Princess, and Loomis happens to be walking by.

01:26:14 Michael sneaks up on Jamie Lee again, who somehow isn’t giving her potential killer a lick of attention, and begins strangling her.

01:26:42 Loomis comes rushing up the staircase just in time to see Michael’s mask get torn off by a struggling Curtis. Michael attempts to reapply his mask when Loomis shoots him point blank. Target confirmed.

01:27:00 Oh and he shoots him another seven times until Michael is blown off the balcony. “Just what the doctor prescribed,” airs out super-bad-ass-yet-imagined-in-my-head Loomis.

01:27:18 “Was that the boogeyman?” Curtis whimpers. Don’t insult the king!

01:27:49 Loomis looks out over the balcony but Michael’s body has disappeared. Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

Oh my god, there’s more?!

END CREDITS

That’s a wrap on Halloween! The Michael Myers is introduced as more man than myth in his debut. His sequels don’t capture this side as much. Michael becomes something closer to a monster than originally intended.

Anyway, we learned that Michael Myers could be a kick ass neighborhood watchman if it weren’t for all his vendettas and, well, stabbing. Van Morrison fan girl is probably movie history’s worst babysitter and Jamie Lee Curtis now probably has to show up to tomorrow’s Halloween Ball alone. Bummer.

Sources

• Halloween. Dir. John Carpenter. Perf. Donald Preasence, Jamie Lee Curtis. Compass International Pictures, 1978.
• Cover Image

The Cabin in the Woods

00:00:00 Have you ever dreamed of a horror movie that contained all your classic villains, creatures and cliches without that film paying anything for the intellectual properties? Welcome to The Cabin in the Woods.

I’ll admit it, Cabin in the Woods may be my favorite horror movie. I realize that it shouldn’t technically qualify as horror and that many people hate this movie. But Cabin in the Woods was never constructed to be scary. It suffered from a bad marketing campaign and audiences arrived at theaters expecting some type of generic slasher Jason Voorhees-knock off.

Instead you probably left the cinema’s having laughed more than screamed. That’s perfectly fine! It’s a genre film about it’s genre. A love poem to all that is horror.

Written by Buffy the Vampire Slayer geniuses Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard, Cabin in the Woods is a brilliant piece of meta.

Are y’all tired of my lauding yet? Good. Horror Holiday presents Cabin in the Woods!

00:01:12 The movie opens with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford chatting in a typical work-environment break room about fertility issues. I would watch a whole two hour movie starring Whitford and Jenkins talking in a break room.

00:01:56 Amy Acker approaches the guys, decked out in science lab clothing. She tells them that Stockholm, “went south”. I don’t know, Amy, I actually think it’s pretty north.

00:02:08 She informs Jenkins and Whitford that only Japan and us are left. Are we supposed to call them up to battle royale for global supremacy? Or, like, throw a party because we are the last ones left! Wooo! We did it, guys!

00:02:20 Jenkins and Whitford jump onto a golf cart and drive through corridors. Jenkins fumbles with his break room coffee while Whitford drives the cart with two hands. They continue their fertility conversation and discuss hanging out with beer and power tools. Can I, like, intern for you guys or something?

Dream team

00:03:06 Dana, played by Kristen Connolly, packs in her room, pantless, in front of open windows. I’m so glad we are past Scream and actually have self-aware characters now…..

00:03:39 Her best friend Jules, portrayed by Anna Hutchison, sneaks into the room behind her. Dana freaks out because Jules has dyed her hair blonde. THIS IS A BIG DEAL GUYS! Going blonde is a big commitment!

00:04:36 Jules mocks Dana for being a nerd and wanting to bring textbooks on their drunken cabin escapades. Chris Hemsworth (you fucking heard me) tip toes behind them and throws a football out the window. Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy receives the pass about three stories down. What a connection! Coach! Get some scholarships over here!

00:05:14 Chris Hemsworth and Jules reenact the, “I learned it from watching you,” anti-drug PSA but instead of drugs, it’s textbooks. How can you not love this?!

00:05:41 Dana finally realizes that she is not wearing pants in front of her best friend’s boyfriend. Hanging out in no pants must just be casual wednesday.

00:05:49 Williams and Hemsworth load the camper as their final companion, Marty, rolls up in his car while smoking a giant bong out of his lap. Nice.

00:06:29 Marty reasons that the cops won’t pull over a man with a giant bong in his car. Don’t try this, kids.

00:06:42 Marty also locks his car with the windows wide open. Don’t do this either, kids.

00:06:56 Finally, Marty compresses his giant bong into a travel-sized coffee mug. Yes, you may do this, kids.

00:07:20 As the camper pulls away from Dana’s house, the camera pans up to find NINJA SECRET AGENT hanging out on the roof. He informs his radio that everything is a go.

00:08:15 Marty monologues about society crumbling and everyone being watched all while rolling up about twelve joints. I’m pretty sure I knew a few Marty’s in college.

00:08:22 “Society needs to crumble,” Marty wraps up, “we’re all just too chicken-shit to let it.”

00:08:31 Awwww man! An intern military guard verifies Jenkins and Whitford for entrance to the control room. I could have totally done that!

00:09:12 Intern Truman reports that he’s been briefed on the mission. He leaves Whitford and Jenkins to do their work on some massive control room screens. And soooo many buttons!

00:09:55 The camper arrives at a vacant-looking gas station. Chris Hemsworth is still holding a football just in case you didn’t believe Thor was jock enough.

00:10:45 A creepy old man appears from within the convenience store. He warns them about the ol’ Buckner cabin; tells them that he owns that property’s lawn and Y’ALL BEST STAY OFF NOW YA HEAR??

00:11:41 Old man and the kids sash each other. Old man calls newly-blonde Jules a whore and they part ways. Oh the wonders of meeting new friends!

00:13:50 The gang arrives and oh look! It’s an exact replica of the Evil Dead cabin! Listen, Jamie Kennedy doesn’t know shit about guidelines to avoid being in a horror movie. Virginity, drinking, “I’ll be right back,” nah nah nah. Rule number fucking one: if your brand new cabin looks exactly like the Evil Dead cabin, you do not go in that cabin. You get back in what ever means of transportation you arrived in: car, camper, bicycle, fucking horseback and you find a different goddamn cabin. I mean, it’s basically on par with, ‘never read the fucking latin.’ YOU JUST DON’T DO IT!

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

00:15:44 Jesse Williams is creeped out by a painting in his bedroom depicting men slaughtering a goat. He takes the painting down to reveal a one-way mirror into Dana’s room. On basic instinct, I guess, Dana begins undressing. Because fuck clothes, right? She already spent three hours or so clothed in the camper. Can’t take it any longer! Jesse Williams internally struggles: watch or alert Dana. He decides to alert Dana and the others come check out the mirror.

00:18:12 If Evil Dead cabin is now giving you strange clues that this cabin may not be your generic cabin, you should leave.

Oh hey

00:18:57 We return to Jenkins and Whitford who are watching from a dozen of camera feeds throughout the cabin. Amy Acker informs the Dream Team that the chem department drugged Jules’ hair dye to seep into her brain and make her dumber. Is that how dumb blonde works?

00:22:19 The control room becomes crowded and Jenkins stands above his audience collecting bets. He takes Whitford’s bet and teases him, calling him ‘aquaman,’ but Whitford doesn’t find it too funny.

00:22:50 Oh what! There are more interns!? Is there a whole department? I have to find an application website or something. Anyway, the intern places the same exact bet as maintenance. Awkward.

00:23:42 Truman asks about the betting and what is going on. So much for being briefed. Whitford and Jenkins explain how the kids must be punished, how it is all just part of the game. “If they don’t go down into the basement, they don’t progress and they live.” Do I even have to state the rule against going down into Evil Dead’s basement?

00:25:39 The gang get drunk and play truth or dare. Marty dares Jules to make out with the moose hanging on the wall but instead points to a wolf. Did they give the hair dye to the wrong person? Maybe he’s just super high.

00:26:58 Jules over-sexually makes out with the dead wolf’s head and automatically answers my previous question.

Watch your back, Hemsworth.

00:28:03 During Dana’s turn, the cellar door flies open. Hemsworth dares her to go check it out and break every one of the previously mentioned horror rules.

00:29:04 The gang heads down together and discover a cellar full of creepy portraits, mirrors, wedding dresses, conches, film reels, music boxes, basically any frightening item you can imagine finding in a bad, no good, Evil Dead basement.

DON’T. TOUCH. ANYTHING.

00:30:14 The gang play with their new toys, obviously. Dana begins to read an old journal aloud.

00:31:00 The gang gathers. The diary belongs to a child named Patience. Patience is basically the offspring of Texas Chainsaw and the grown-up girl from the Exorcist who was then raised in the Evil Dead cabin while being disciplined with hack saws and butcher knives. Essentially the disturbed journal is a page-turner.

00:32:05 Dana pauses. “And then there’s something in latin.”

00:32:06 “Dana, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand,” Marty cautions, “don’t read the fucking latin.”

00:32:14 Dana begins reading the latin because of course she fucking does.

00:32:25 A hand rises through the ground, deep within the woods. The dead have been reanimated. And it’s a fucking family of five.

00:33:17 Maintenance and the intern win the work betting pool for Zombie Redneck Torture Family! Wooo!

00:34:14 Whitford is upset. Jenkins waddles up to comfort his disappointed partner. See, every year Whitford places a bet for this murderous amphibian creature called The Merman but every year he loses. He wants, just once, to see a Merman. Just one time.

00:34:40 We check out one of the smaller TV screens labeled, “Japan,” where the girl from The Ring is wrecking havoc on some elementary children. Is this how the last two countries left in the world educate our children?

The betting board!

00:35:04 We’re back at the cabin and Jules has gone full-on dumb blonde. Good work, chem department. She dances extremely sexually in front of the fire place and everyone is super uncomfortable.

00:36:54 Hemsworth takes Jules out to bone her in the woods. Bedroom’s are too mainstream.

00:37:18 Marty questions Dana on some of the oddities going on amongst their friends. Jules typically isn’t slutty and Hemsworth doesn’t act like a complete air-head jock. “He’s a sociology major,” Marty reasons, “he’s on full academic scholarship.”

00:37:38 Marty believes that the cabin is making them puppets. Dana just tells him that he’s really high. He chooses to go read a book with pictures instead.

00:42:16 Jules and Hemsworth wander around the woods looking for a place to have sex. They are making out on the ground when one of the Zombie Rednecks decide a menage a trois would be better. It stabs Jules’ hand and Hemsworth tackles him. More arrive though, with rather impressive and original weapons. One of them has a bear trap. A fucking bear trap!

00:43:06 Hemsworth is restrained as two of Zombie Rednecks handle a giant crosscut saw and cut off Jules’ head.

00:44:03 Back in the control room a prayer is read. Jenkins reaches for a golden lever and blood trickles down from a fountain to fill in the gaps of a stone carving.

00:46:15 Marty goes outside to take a leak. As he does his business, a one-armed young female member of the Zombie Rednecks approaches behind him. Her name is Patience.

00:46:41 Hemsworth charges out of the woods and completely levels Patience. “Dumb bitch!” he yells at her. Poor Patience.

00:46:50 Everyone asks Hemsworth what is happening. “Where’s Jules?” Dana opens the cabin door and is greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He hands her a head. There’s Jules!

00:48:32 The gang chooses to split up, Scooby-Doo style. They barricade themselves in their respective rooms and the control room locks them in.

00:49:14 Marty breaks a vase. He notices a tiny camera and traces the wire all the way through his room. The control room freaks out but notices Grandpa Zombie Redneck approaching Marty’s window.

00:50:18 Grandpa rips Marty out of the cabin window but Marty whips out his coffee mug bong and smacks Grandpa. Fuck yeah!

00:50:46 Grandpa Zombie Redneck is unfazed. He stabs Marty and drags him into the woods. Jenkins pulls another golden lever and more blood is leaked out of the fountain.

00:51:49 One of the big happy Zombie Redneck family members tries to bust into Dana’s room but Jesse Williams breaks the one way mirror and saves her.

Boo!

00:52:45 They return to the basement because why the fuck not and find all the weapons that gave Zombie Redneck Torture Family their namesake.

00:53:03 As they look for a way out, a bear trap latches onto Jesse Williams and drags him upwards. Bear traps are terrifying, man! Dana rescues Williams though by piercing the Zombie Redneck in the face a few times with an ice pick.

00:54:41 Hemsworth finds them in the basement and leads them out the cellar door. They jump in the camper and drive away a slight 40 minutes past due.

00:55:07 We return to Japan, one of the remaining countries in the world. The little school children have defeated Miss Ring and transformed her into the frog. Jenkins stares at the screen and issues the children a message.

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you!”

So many lessons learned in so few words.

00:57:30 Amy Acker flashes onto one of the screens. Japan’s perfect record has been squandered and zero fatalities, at that. Jenkins questions her department about Marty’s weed, which should have been laced to make him completely inebriated. “How did he almost make it out of there?”

00:58:04 Whitford notices the camper fly by on one of the cameras. He checks another and realizes that the tunnel, the wood’s only exit, has not caved in as scheduled.

00:58:34 Jenkins sprints out of the control room and down hallways. He bursts into the electronics room and splices some wires. The camper is halfway through the tunnel when it finally detonates. Hemsworth throws the RV into reverse and they narrowly avoid being crushed.

00:59:13 There is a 20 foot canyon between where they stand and road on the other side of the tunnel. Hemsworth conveniently brought his fucking dirt bike. “I’m going to jump it.” Okay…

Go get ’em, Thor!

00:59:34 Hemsworth promises to return with, “police, helicopters and fucking tanks and we are going to kill those things that killed Jules.” That may be a tad overkill, Thor.

00:59:45 Hemsworth revs his engine and begins his run up towards the gap. He launches and has a good take off. It looks like he could make itttttt …. until he hits an invisible barrier and Hemsworth crashs down into the canyon’s abyss.

01:00:00 Soooo about that overkill statement… Scratch that. I think you’re going to need some divine intervention to get out of here.

01:01:20 Jesse Williams and Dana return to the RV. Williams says that they will drive until they can’t drive anymore. Jesse Williams is then stabbed through his neck by a hidden Zombie Redneck and the camper crashes into the lake. I mean, Jesse wasn’t wrong in his claim.

01:02:27 Dana escapes the sinking RV and swims to the surface. From within the control room, Whitford and Jenkins celebrate with beers.

01:02:35 “Why are you celebrating? There’s still one left,” Truman asks. “The virgin’s death is optional,” explains Whitford, “as long as she suffers, the ritual is complete.”

01:03:35 Dana crawls up to the dock and is instantly greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He strangles and tortures her while the entire company parties in the control room.

01:04:50 Jenkins teases the electrical department about their tunnel cave-in malfunction. They inform him that it wasn’t their fault, that there was a power failure upstairs. “What do you mean upstairs?” Jenkins questions.

01:05:05 The red phone rings. The party stops. Jenkins and Whitford exchange worried looks. Whitford finally answers and is hushed.

….

“That’s impossible, everything was done within the guidelines,” Whitford explains.

……..

“No, the virgin is the final one I….”

………..

“Which one?”

01:05:53 Daddy Zombie Redneck continues to toy with Dana on the dock. He swings his bear trap high above his head for a death blow but it’s swing is disrupted by an object: a coffee mug shaped bong.

01:06:34 Marty whacks Daddy Zombie Redneck into the lake and him and Dana run back towards the cabin.

01:07:05 Marty leads her into one of the zombie’s graves. Six feet under are wires and steel. Marty tells her that he’s figured it out, that there is an elevator below their feet. He splices some wires and the top of the elevator opens. They enter.

Death by travel-coffe mug bong!

01:09:01 The elevator descends and stops. It begins moving sideways. The doors of the elevator are glass windows. It halts.

01:09:53 A werewolf jumps at their window and they move laterally again. They stop. A ghost mocks them.

01:10:13 They descend once again and Marty witnesses a ballerina with a face full of jagged teeth. Dana gazes at a Hellraiser knockoff.

01:11:22 “The cellar,” Dana fights back tears, “all that shit we played with. They made us choose. They made us choose how we died.” She begins screaming at Hellraiser. Hellraiser is pleased by the attention. The camera pans out and we see a rubik’s cube of monsters stuck in their elevator prisons. Dana and Marty’s is merely one in a thousand.

01:12:04 Now this is where Cabin in the Woods earns it’s cool points. All of these monsters and aliens and creatures of horror in one place. It’s a classic-horror fan’s wet dream.

01:12:11 The control room completely panics. They’ve lost track of their victims. “Where the fuck are they?” Jenkins screams over a radio. “Do not touch the girl. You must kill the fool first or this whole thing goes to hell,” Whitford states.

The boss is pissed

01:12:20 So yeahhhh, I apologize if this diary log hasn’t made much sense so far. The movie builds to it but it’s difficult to explain during it’s course. Essentially, once per year, each country is responsible for conducting a ritual to the Gods. Think Greek mythology and all that. This scenario is basically if Zeus had a serious horror snuff film fetish (also, Zeus probably has a serious horror snuff film fetish).

At least one of the rituals must be successful to keep the Gods from rising beneath the Earth and raging hell on humanity. The countries base their rituals on their horror stereotypes. Japan has The Ring and The Grudge influences, Spain has government conspiracy theory-related horror and us Americans just want to see zombies kill some teenagers.

Which brings me to my next point: the virgin. Dana is the virgin except she is not a virgin. In the beginning of the film, Jules mentions her past affair with a professor. Anyway, the other stereotypes are also present. Jules, the blonde slut. Chris Hemsworth, the dumb jock. Jesse Williams, the nerrrddddd. And Marty, the fool.

The characters, other than Marty, have not acted like themselves this whole movie. That’s because they’ve been drugged. They all act like their given stereotypes. Marty, though, is immune because the chem department fucked up. They did lace his weed but Marty had a secret stash that he was using this weekend. Marty, while super high, was our most sober protagonist.

01:12:26 Truman scans the television monitors and spots Dana and Marty in their elevator cube. “Bring them downstairs,” Jenkins demands.

01:13:12 Dana and Marty cautiously exit the elevator to find twelve others in an elevator lobby. A voice speaks to them over the loud speaker telling them the story of the Gods. SWAT teams approach from all directions.

01:14:37 Dana and Marty hide in the elevator control room. The SWAT team shoots at the bulletproof glass. Dana finds a red button labeled System Purge. And presses it. Fuck yeah!

01:15:14 Now let me pause briefly to inform you that I cannot put into words the awesomeness that follows. I will try but I will fail. Nothing can replace the epicness of this elevator sequence.

01:15:15 A buzzer sounds and the SWAT team halts. They look around as the sound of twelve descending elevators grow louder. One of them puts his gun down. “Aw shit.” The lights above the elevators ding on.

01:15:30 Twelve of the most pissed off horror monsters bolt out of the elevator doors and brutally, gruesomely rip each SWAT member into pieces.

No caption necessary.

01:16:01 A second SWAT team approaches and is greeted by an elevator lobby drenched in dripping blood and intestines. The elevator lights flash on again. Ding!

01:16:10 Everybody fucking dies in the worst way imaginable. That’s the best way I can explain this scene.

Andddd after.

01:16:19 The elevator continues to purge it’s residents. Hellraiser! Angry Molesting Tree! Zombies!

01:16:25 A ghost!

01:16:30 A Basilisk!

01:16:35 The Strangers!

01:16:40 It!

01:17:11 Truman locks down the control room. Whitford and Jenkins attempt to troubleshoot as Amy Acker stands petrified.

01:17:50 A giant vampire bat breaks through Dana and Marty’s bulletproof window and they run. They sneak past death and destruction into a hole in an adjacent wall.

01:18:20 A werewolf bites an employee’s head off!

01:18:29 It! rips an interns heart out! Damn, I dodged a bullet with this company.

01:18:40 A fucking Unicorn rams it’s fucking uni-corn into a man’s chest.

01:18:47 And finally, Patience, daughter of Daddy Zombie Redneck Torture Family, is the last to arrive in her elevator. Awwwww!

01:19:07 Cannibalistic Scarecrows breach the control room and begin eating Truman. He pulls one of his grenades and blows himself up but incidentally propels Whitford across the room. Broken and injured, Whitford gazes into the smoke. Kerplop, kerplop. Whitford narrows his eyes and looks closer. Kerplop, kerplop. The Merman has arrived.

01:20:05 “Oh come on,” Whitford utters before his wonderful Merman bites into his face and rockets blood out of his blowhole.

01:20:11 Jenkins finally hacks through the escape hatch system and jumps down. Amy Acker is a second too late as an octopus tentacle rips through the ceiling and takes her.

01:20:35 Jenkins runs down the secret tunnels but is stabbed by a surprised Dana.

01:21:21 He leans against a wall and bleeds out. But before he dies, Jenkins begs Dana to, “kill Marty.”

01:21:47 Dana and Marty descend to the ritual room where all the fountain’s blood has been filling massive stone carvings of the Jock, the Whore, the Nerdddd and the Fool.

01:23:16 Sigourney Weaver appears. She is the God’s liaison.

01:23:18 Sigourney fucking Wheeler. Hells yes. Great choice, Gods. Anyone who can kick a Xenomorph’s ass is worthy to kick it with Zeus.

01:23:31 Weaver explains the ritual. When she refers to Dana, she calls her the virgin. Dana laughs. “We work with what we have,” Weaver says.

01:24:28 Weaver begs Dana to kill Marty or else the Gods will rise and rule the planet, brutally murdering and/or enslaving every human being. “You can die with them,” Weaver continues, “or you can die for them.”

01:25:51 Dana raises a gun. “I’m sorry, Marty.”

01:25:53 Marty gazes past her. “I’m sorry too.”

01:25:55 The werewolf bites Dana’s neck.

01:26:01 Marty scrambles to the dropped gun and shoots the werewolf off Dana. Weaver tackles him and they struggle for the weapon.

01:26:12 Incapacitated, Dana lays on the steps as Patience approaches. She walks past Dana.

01:26:43 As Weaver gets the upper hand on Marty, Patience swings her ax into Weaver’s skull.

01:26:45 FUCK YEAH, PATIENCE! YOU DID IT!

01:26:47 Marty kicks her down into the God pit. You’re one of them now, Patience.

01:27:58 Marty joins the bloody Dana on the steps. He takes a joint out of his pocket, lights up and shares it with her.

01:28:50 “It’s time to give someone else a chance,” Dana exhales.

What a weekend!

01:29:55 The Gods rise and enslave the planet.

END CREDITS!

Oh? Don’t like the ending? It completely fits given the prior narrative of breaking horror stereotypes. It’s time to give Zeus and Hermes and Athena some Earth time. Humans are so selfish.

And that’s a wrap on The Cabin in the Woods! If you thought Scream was meta, this movie takes that and shoots it to the moon. It’s also rather original. Okay, okay, if you’ve seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I know that this whole secret lab of monsters thing is basically ripped off. But hey! Joss Whedon wrote both these stories so I’m sure it’s okay to rip off yourself. Sometimes.

We learned that cops don’t mess with you if you are smoking from your giant bong while driving, Patience is a very patient zombie redneck, and not to buy stock in whatever company Jenkins and Whitford worked for. That’s going to be a rough drop on Monday, shareholders.

Sources

• Cabin in the Woods. Dir. Drew Goddard. Perf. Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth. Lionsgate, 2012.
• Cover Image

Scream

00:00:00 Wes Craven is responsible for a number of classic horror franchises. One such film is Scream. Scream is very self aware of itself as a horror movie. It understands horror film cliches and it utilizes this strength to come off as meta.

Horror Holiday presents Scream.

00:00:26 Drew Barrymore picks up her telephone.

00:00:27 Holy shit! It’s Drew Barrymore!

00:00:30 The caller tells Barrymore that he knows what she did last summer. Wait, wrong movie.

00:00:37 After some casual flirting with the stranger, Drew hangs up the phone; wrong number.

00:00:40 The phone rings again, Drew answers. The stranger obviously has figured out he called Drew fucking Barrymore and wants to flirt more. I honestly don’t blame him.

00:01:02 Drew hangs up the phone.

00:01:15 Wait. Drew Barrymore totally lives in Forrest Gump’s childhood home. No one can change my mind now, it is set.

00:01:20 Barrymore puts popcorn on the stove, obviously doesn’t own a microwave.

00:01:30 The phone rings, Drew answers. Am I getting too repetitive?

00:01:42 Barrymore continues to flirt with the strange man who keeps calling and even tells him her plans for the night. I know Scream is going to lay out the rules to avoid being in a horror movie, but I’d like to add my own: Don’t tell strangers who keep calling your phone what your evening plans are. Actually, just don’t do this in general.

00:01:45 Confirmed: Barrymore does own a microwave. I guess popping popcorn like a peasant makes it taste better?

00:01:46 “Do you like scary movies?” the voice hisses. Well, I mean, not now.

00:01:52 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” The Exorcist. Oh, wait, sorry I didn’t mean to offend you, Scream.

00:02:02 “Halloween!” Barrymore exclaims. “Ooooh, yeahhh,” somehow this answer has turned the stranger on. I mean, Barrymore, dude, you don’t run a 900 number over here. Just hang up.

Dammit, Drew Barrymore. Just hang up the phone!

00:02:21 Barrymore and Stranger Danger bond over Freddy Krueger’s knife fingers and it dawns on me that I must not be flirting right in the real world.

00:02:35 “What’s your name?” Stranger Danger asks. “Why do you want to know my name?” Barrymore practically giggles through the phone.

00:02:36 “Because I want to know who I’m looking at….”

00:02:37 Ahhh now Barrymore’s concerned! Do you think this will damage their relationship built on cinema serial killers and popcorn?

00:03:03 Barrymore finally hangs up on stranger danger. Her medieval popcorn is about to pop over on the stove. Why couldn’t you have just microwaved it? We wouldn’t have had this problem if you acted like normal human being.

00:03:06 Phone rings. Barrymore instinctively answers. *sigh*

00:03:34 She hangs up. Phone rings. Barrymore once again answers. This is going to be the whole diary log, guys! Surprise!!

00:03:35 “If you hang up again, I’m going to cut you open like a fish!” And now Stranger Danger’s flirting has just got very, very kinky.

00:03:46 Stranger Danger asks Barrymore if she wants to play a game and instantly rolls down the hall on his tricycle… Wait, not that movie either??

00:03:55 Eight phone calls later and Barrymore now realizes how serious her situation is. She scrambles to lock every single door in Forrest Gump’s Alabama mansion. I mean, she’s home alone, right? Why did she not lock the doors anyway in the middle of the night? She’s certainly not helping her odds here.

00:04:32 Door bell rings. Barrymore cries, “who’s there?” Don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered, kid.

00:04:35 Phone rings. Barrymore fucking picks up again! At this point, Drew, it doesn’t even make sense to hang up if you are just going to answer his call over and over.

00:04:39 “You should never say ‘who’s there,’ don’t you watch scary movies?” Stranger Danger taunts. I don’t think Barrymore watches scary movies. What a phony.

00:05:13 Barrymore threatens Stranger Danger with her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend. Raise your hand if Stranger Danger gives two fucks about her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend.

00:05:26 Oh, apparently Barrymore’s fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend is real. And Stranger Danger knows his name is Steve. Okay, well played, Stranger Danger.

00:05:45 Stranger Danger has abducted the real football-playing high school boyfriend named Steve and tied him up to a lawn chair on Barrymore’s patio. So I don’t know if Stranger Danger’s got blue tooth or something or he’s simply using his shoulder to keep the phone in place while he’s tying up football players to deck chairs.

00:06:09 Barrymore accepts Stranger Danger’s game and turns off the patio light as requested. He wants to play movie trivia. Yes! I love trivia! Can I have a team? My team is ‘My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t’. GIVE US THE FIRST QUESTION, DAMMIT!

00:06:40 First question for 10 points! Name the killer in Halloween. Ohhhh, Drew, you are so screwed. Why’d you lie about your favorite scary movie, Drew?? This could have all been avoided if you made popcorn like a normal human being, Drew!!!!

00:06:59 Oh no way, she got it! Drew and My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t are tied at 10!

00:07:09 Drew doesn’t want anymore trivia. Stop being such a fucking buzzkill, Drew.

00:07:14 Question Two! Same category. Name the killer in Friday the 13th.

00:07:22 “Jason! Jason!” Barrymore exclaims. Goddammit, Drew. It’s totally Betsy Palmer. Couch takes the lead!

00:07:48 OH MY GOD! THERE’S A BONUS ROUND!!!!

00:08:02 Oh. Ohhhh. Steve gets stabbed for Drew’s wrong answer. Damn, this trivia has some steep penalties for wrong answers. Fuck it, what’s the goddamn bonus round?!

00:08:25 FINAL QUESTION! “What door am I at?” Jeez, dude, I don’t fucking know. That’s a curveball fucking question. I call shenanigans!

00:08:48 The risk is death?? I don’t know, man, patio door? Fuck it, patio door: final answer.

00:09:00 It was the patio door. I win. Barrymore scrambles to her kitchen where the motherfucking popcorn has now caught fire. This is some bullshit, Drew.

00:09:07 Drew draws a butcher’s knife and escapes out a side door.

00:10:06 A vehicle approaches the drive way as GHOST FACE KILLAH reaches through the window at Drew. She smacks him with the phone (irony) and runs.

00:10:37 Ghost Face Killah fucking lays out through another window and tackles Drew. This kid play football? Because fuck, that was a great tackle, son!

GHOST FACE KILLAH

00:10:49 He chases her down and stabs Drew Barrymore in the heart. Because Drew has breasts of steel or something, that doesn’t seem to work. Ghost Face Killah tries chocking her but she kicks him in the balls. I mean, I guess we officially narrowed down the suspects by gender. Good work, Drew?

00:11:45 Drew crawls and tries to contact her parents as they walk into the house. She fails. Ghost Face Killah mounts her and, as he is about to stab her, Drew rips his mask off.

00:12:19 Noticing the burnt popcorn and downright destruction of their home, her parents pick up the phone to call the police. Instead they get the continued call Barrymore was on. They hear her gasps as Ghost Face Killah drags her dying body across the lawn.

00:12:49 Mom exits the house to find Barrymore hung from a tree.

00:13:00 We’re only thirteen fucking minutes into this movie?!

00:13:24 Neve Campbell’s character, named Sidney, types stuff into her 90’s age computer. Her boyfriend tries to go all Clarissa Explains It All by sneaking in through her second story window. The fucking 90’s, man.

00:13:42 Sidney’s father knocks on the door and her boyfriend scrambles underneath the bed. Her father gives us some exposition that he will be gone all week and that it’d be an unfortunate time for Sidney to deal with a serial killer. Teenagers, huh?

00:14:21 Boyfriend, Billy, explains that The Exorcist was on and it made him think about his girlfriend. Seriously, is this how flirting is supposed to go?

00:14:40 Billy makes a (romantic?) speech about the MPAA and their relationship. Dude, just tell her you want to be intimate. I don’t think a girl has ever been seduced by the MPAA or being compared to The Exorcist.

00:15:23 After his NC-17 proposition is shot down, Billy accepts the PG-13 compromise and still tries to cop a feel.

00:16:15 Sidney tells Billy that he should go before her dad hears them. Seriously, dude, if you didn’t come in guns blazing, bringing your meta-horror charm, you’d probably still be hanging out right now.

00:17:16 The local high school of our horny protagonists has been transformed into a police state after the death of Drew Barrymore. Barricades have been erected and media line the streets. Honestly, I feel this is an overreaction. Come on, local news, there isn’t anything more important than hanging out with a bunch of teenagers? This isn’t even the goddamn crime scene! Why are you at the high school anyway??

00:18:08 Sidney and her (best?) friend gossip about Barrymore’s murder. Don’t worry, apparently Barrymore was a whore anyway. I think her flirting with random dudes on the phone was supposed to symbolize that.

00:19:04 And now I guess they’re interviewing all the students? I feel like all this attention is being misdirected. You doooo know the murder did not occur on campus, right? Can we clarify that someone read an actual police report?

00:19:20 Oh look! The Fonz is the principal! What a cool dude!

00:19:26 “Eyyyyyy, Sidney!”

00:19:43 Now the students have a school-enforced curfew. Damn, this high school sucks pretty bad for being run by the Fonz. WHO HURT YOU, FONZIE!?

00:20:10 The cool kids hang out at the giant water fountain. Get out of here, nerds!

00:20:15 Oh look, Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) is one of the cool kids!

00:20:21 “How do you gut someone?” Sidney asks. Gee, I don’t fucking know, Sidney. I feel like the term ‘gutting’ is pretty self explanatory? Teenagers, man.

00:20:44 The cool kids club start blaming each other for Barrymore’s murder. Quiet, guys! The Fonz may have wire tapped the fountain!!

00:21:31 One of these guys keeps making the most annoying voices when he talks. I hate him. Initiate the tontine?

00:21:35 Oh wait. It’s Jamie Kennedy. Fucking hell.

00:21:55 But really, based on the interaction by the water fountain, does this group of friends even like each other? Or are they, like, all dealing each other pot and nobody wants to break the chain?

00:23:35 Sidney watches the news from her couch. The reporters harp on the incredible lack of clues in the Barrymore case. Didn’t Ghost Face Killah gut and hang these victims? And he even abducted the boyfriend from his home. Maybe they should get Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman on the case. They did a hell of a lot more with a whole lot less last time around.

00:23:51 Apparently Sidney’s mother was murdered a year ago and her body left in town square. Poor Sidney.

Sidney clicks through the news.

00:25:20 Sidney falls asleep on the couch and is awoken hours later by the phone. Her best friend (Rose McGowan) says something about Tom Cruise’s dick and that she is coming over. Sidney hangs up.

00:25:31 Phone rings again, Sidney answers. “Hello, Sidney.” Fucking here we go again.

00:25:40 Sidney begins a random conversation with the stranger. Wait. Let’s step aside for a second and wonder how there were no clues at Barrymore’s crime scene. The phone rung and was answered around 20 fucking times in the span of ten minutes. All one has to do is check the call log from Barrymore’s parents service provider. I’d assume that’d be step one since she died with the cordless phone still operating.

Step two: fuck the curfews, why isn’t the school building awareness for not giving your life’s story to strangers who randomly call your house? I don’t know, man. The Fonz has really gone off the deep end.

00:26:03 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Come on, please don’t say Halloween again. Let’s try something new. I’m sure Ghost Face Killah would appreciate some originality. Oh, oh, I don’t know, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. “Well, fuck, Sidney, I didn’t think anyone liked that movie. I guess you fucking live!”

00:26:06 Sidney assumes that it’s Jamie Kennedy prank calling. “I like that thing you’re doing with your voice, Jamie. It’s sexy.” Le sigh. Fucking teenagers, man.

00:26:34 Sidney still flirts with not-Jamie Kennedy until not-Jamie Kennedy says, for the umpteenth time, “I’m not Jamie fucking Kennedy.” Sidney turns cold. Ohhhh, now you get it?!

00:27:22 Ghost Face Killah claims that he is on the porch. Sidney calls bullshit and goes outside. No Ghost Face Killah. Ghost Face is a total wimp.

00:28:30 Sidney goes back into her house and GHOST FACE KILLAH jumps out of the closet. Booo!

00:29:00 He’s about to stab her but Sidney kicks Ghost Face Killah in the balls. I think it’s time to add a cup to your equipment set, bro.

00:29:10 He chases her up the stairs and Sidney locks herself in her room. She dials 911 on her AOL Wireless. Ghost Face Killah vanishes.

00:30:07 Billy instantly launches through her bed side window, not-so-Clarissa Explains It All style this time, and hugs Sidney. A cell phone falls from his pocket and Sidney panics and runs.

00:30:40 She rushes to the door and finds David Arquette (Officer Dewey) on her front porch, holding Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Dewey explains that he found it on the ground. The cops arrest Billy.

00:31:33 Rose arrives and takes Sidney home. Apparently Dewey is Rose’s brother? Okay.

00:32:06 Reporter Monica Gellar (played by, you guessed it, Courtney Cox) arrives on the scene to poach the story. Not this time, Monica!

00:32:34 By the way, Scary Movie essentially uses the exact same script as Scream. I am not kidding.

00:32:43 Sidney answers some of Officer Dewey’s questions at the station. Billy stares across the room. Awkward.

00:33:20 Billy is questioned by the police chief. He has his lawyer-dad present. The lawyer opinions the police check his client’s phone bill. “Thanks for telling us how to do our damn job,” the chief sarcastically remarks. But helloooooo! Are you going to check anyone’s fucking phone bill?

00:34:00 “We’re going to have to hold you, son, until we get those phone records.” And, while you’re at it, you should probably collect Barrymore’s phone records and, oh yeah, tell students to stop talking to fucking strangers on their goddamn phones. WHERE THE FUCK IS FREEPITT WHEN YOU NEED THEM!?

00:34:29 Monica arrives at the police station. She must be a bad reporter because she ends up being the last media member there.

00:35:15 Dewey and the chief agree that they should pull Billy’s phone bill. And thennnn….

00:35:21 “Think he did it?” Dewey asks. I don’t know, Dewey. How about we get some fucking phone bills all up in this bitch and do some fucking cross referencing. Who hired these people?

00:35:27 Chief sighs, “damned if I know.” fuck.

Officer Dewey and his equally inept Police Chief.

00:36:17 Dewey leads Sidney and Rose out the back exit. Monica intercepts them. Sidney asks Monica how her book’s coming, Monica says she’ll send her a copy. Sidney punches Monica in the face. Sidney: book hater.

00:37:07 Sidney bunks up with Rose. For some reason, Rose has two twin beds in her room. Where’s the other sibling, Rose?! This may be the true mystery!

00:37:36 The phone rings downstairs. Rose’s mom tells Sidney there’s a call for her but she doesn’t know who it is. Why is Sidney not on goddamn lockdown right now?? Police officer Dewey is even in the house! This shit needs to be on lock. down.

00:37:45 “Hellooooo Sidney…” Oh look! It’s Jamie Kennedy again!

00:38:06 This time Ghost Face Killah hangs up. What a pleasant twist!

00:39:05 At breakfast the next morning, Dewey informs Sidney that Billy’s cellular calls were clean and he’s been released. And….? Oh, that’s it? You didn’t, like, check anyone else’s phone bills? No? Alright then.

00:39:45 Dewey gives Sidney a police escort to school. He also does a piss poor job of keeping her away from the media; she is immediately swamped on arrival.

00:40:28 Sidney confronts Monica about the night before. Apparently Monica is writing a book about her mother’s murder case and she has written a lot of slander on Sidney. Monica believes that the man who has been convicted of the mother’s murder is innocent. Sidney gives a look that she may believe this also and Monica gets a hard-on about a potential book sequel. I’d focus on getting the first book published, Mon.

Monica reporting live from totally-not-the-crime-scene. We just want to hang out around high schools all day.

00:43:35 Sidney and ex-convict Billy run into each other at school. “What, you’d rather think I’m a psycho killer than have sex with me,” Billy pries. Billy, this is not the type of flirting that allows you to have sex with your girlfriend. At all.

00:43:49 “Billy, I was attacked and nearly filleted last night,” Sidney exclaims. “I’m talking about us, Sid,” Billy continues. Still not the right time to talk about ‘us’. Like, at all.

00:44:19 With his flirting making zero progress, Billy makes an analogy involving having sex and Sidney’s mother being killed exactly a year ago. This guy is supposed to have charm?

00:48:07 Ghost Face Killah hides in the girl’s bathroom and tries to kill Sidney. End scene?

00:48:49 Monica flirts with (her future husband) Dewey to try to get inside information.

00:49:24 Official announcement that all classes will be suspended. Eyyyyyy Fonzi!!!!

00:49:31 Also in effect: a city-wide curfew. Boooooo!

00:50:37 Matthew Lillard is amped about all the murders because now he gets to throw a party. Cool?

00:51:32 The Fonz hangs out wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask in his office. The students of this shitty high school have taken to running around wearing the costume because it’s hip and trendy and fucking relatable? Anyway, grown-up Fonz has some strange fetishes.

00:51:36 There’s a knock at his door. The Fonz answers. No one is there.

00:51:49 There’s another knock. Fonzie answers… oh not this shit again.

00:52:11 Fonz checks down the hallway. Only a Freddy Krueger look-alike janitor mopping the floors. I’m not kidding. Can you suck your own dick harder, Wes Craven?

00:53:10 Fonzie returns to his office where he is killed by Ghost Face Killah. Not cool, dude.

00:55:38 All the cool kids hang out at the VHS Store! Jamie Kennedy rips to Matthew Lillard that Billy is totally the killer.

00:56:44 Jamie Kennedy performs a meta-horror monologue on the formula to horror-movie killings. And, I mean, he’s not wrong. I feel like that’ll be me someday: standing in the middle of Best Buy, ranting about horror movie cliches and screaming, “EVERYBODY’S A SUSPECT.”

00:58:01 Wow. Everyone is taking this curfew seriously. Every local business has shut down operations. Do they know that the killer’s only target the past few days has been Sidney? I mean, he’s pretty keen on killing Sidney and he’s been rather inefficient. I don’t know why he even wasted his time on Barrymore to be honest. Have the police warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers? Please tell me that the police have warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers.

00:59:47 Oh my god. The chief tells Dewey that they traced the calls. THEY ACTUALLY TRACED THE GODDAMN CALLS! And it ties back to Sidney’s father’s phone. Ohhhhhh.

01:00:11 Chief initiates the manhunt for Sidney’s father, who is supposed to be away on business.

01:01:17 Dewey breaks everything the curfew stands for and drives Rose and Sidney to a giant house party. Teenagers, man.

01:02:10 Dewey runs into Monica, who is looking to scavenge a story from the house party. They agree to check it out together which is the opposite of keeping Sidney away from the media. In the last minute, Dewey has put Sidney in the middle of danger with a bunch of drunk teenagers who may be trying to kill her and brought her worst enemy to come report on her party antics. Great fucking job, Officer Dewey.

01:02:15 Oh yeah. And David Arquette is portraying Dewey as the single most awkward human being ever captured on film. So there’s that.

01:04:14 Monica places a hidden camera at the party. Whatta muckraker!

01:04:49 Rose goes to retrieve more beers from the garage. The door locks behind her and the lights go out.

01:05:36 She opens the garage and tries to leave through there but it begins closing halfway up. She turns and sees GHOST FACE KILLAH manning the control boardddddd.

01:05:55 “Is that you Jamie?” Rose snarks. Ghost Face Killah shakes his head. Poor Jamie Kennedy. Everyone just assumes he dresses up in black gowns and stabs people.

01:06:08 “Ohh you want to play psycho killer?” toys Rose. Ghost Face Killah nods. “Can I be the helpless victim?” GFK nods again.

01:06:15 “Please don’t kill me, mister ghost face,” Rose taunts, “I want to be in the sequel,” instantly eliminating her from sequel contention.

01:06:22 Rose calls Ghost Face Killah, ‘Casper.’ This does not sit well with GFK.

01:06:39 He cuts her arm and she runs. Ghost Face Killah pursues and Rose swings the freezer door in his face, knocking him to the floor. Dang, and he was finally wearing his cup too!

01:06:49 Rose begins throwing beer bottles at Ghost Face Killah. He then powers through and is table topped by Rose. Ghost Face Killah kinda sucks at this killing his victims thing.

01:06:57 Rose attempts to escape through a dog door but she can’t fit. She gets stuck halfway and Ghost Face Killah initiates the garage door. Rose gets crushed within the mechanism.

01:08:11 Billy shows up as the party is ending and Matthew Lillard offers his room to Sidney for a ‘make-up’.

01:10:30 Sidney opens her heart up to Billy who then compares her to Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Christ.

01:11:14 Somehow calling your girlfriend Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs helps you have sex. Who-da-fucking-thunk-it?

01:12:49 Jamie Kennedy puts on Halloween and forces his fellow party-ers to watch and I suddenly realize I am Jamie fucking Kennedy in Scream. We have to end the diary log now, I said I hated Jamie Kennedy’s character about 20 minutes in. Dammit.

01:13:00 Some drunk teenager questions Jamie Kennedy about the horror movie rules. Andddd initiate Scream’s guidelines to avoid being in a horror film situation!

Jamie Kennedy pauses the film and stands up in front of the crowd. Dammit, I can’t believe I’m Jamie fucking Kennedy here.

“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie,” Kennedy begins.

“Number one: you can never have sex.”

This draws much booing from his audience. Fucking teenagers.

“Sex equals death.” Okay, Mean Girls.

“Number two: never drink or do drugs.”

The audience clink their beer glasses.

“And number three: never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say, ‘I’ll be right back.’”

“I’m getting another beer, you want one?” Lillard rises.

“Sure.”

“I’ll be right backkkkkkk!” You’re fucking hilarious, Shaggy.

By the way, those rules suck. Those are not the horror rules. I’ll write some fucking horror rules, stay tuned. It’s a work in progress.

Jamie Kennedy explains the rules of horror to disinterested drunk teenagers.

01:14:18 Monica watches her hidden camera feed from a news truck across the street. Dewey comes banging on the door asking if she wants to come inspect a car crash with him. Monica accepts. And they lived happily ever after.

01:16:16 A phone rings. Jamie Kennedy answers and is informed that the Fonz was found gutted and hung from the goal post. Homecoming was intense this year, guys!

01:16:22 The party goers are amped so they ditch Kennedy to check out the scene before the police bring him down. Fucking teenagers. That’s The Fonz you’re talking about, show some respect!

01:17:27 Dewey and Monica walk down a dirt road, flirting all along the way. The drunk caravan of Fonz haters nearly hit them. They dive out of the way and make out. Because romance?

01:18:44 They find the ditched car Dewey heard about. It belongs to Sidney’s father. They rush back towards the house party.

01:20:14 Sidney asks Billy who his one phone call was after he was arrested. She laughs and says how it would be ironic, if he was the killer, how he could have used it to call her the night Ghost Face Killah threatened her at Rose’s house.

01:20:20 By the way, Rose died, like, a couple hours ago. She’s hanging out, crushed in the garage door. Is anybody concerned? I mean, she was getting beers so I’m pretty sure someone was concerned they didn’t receive their beer.

01:20:32 Ghost Face Killah sneaks up behind Billy and stabs him. He then reengages his long continuing pursuit of Sidney.

01:21:05 He chases her around the house and Sidney knocks him out with a door.

Dear Concussed Ghost Face Killah,

I know you made the (wise) effort to wear a cup to work. But next time, also consider a helmet?

01:21:13 Sidney locks herself in the attic. She tries to signal Monica’s production van but no dice. She climbs onto the roof and, after being grabbed by GFK, falls off.

01:22:11 Upon landing on a conveniently-placed tarp, she discovers the dead Rose. It’s only been a few hours since she went to get you a beer, Sid. Maybe you guys weren’t all that good of friends after all.

01:22:22 Jamie Kennedy still watches Halloween on the couch, long after all the other guests have left. Why is this me?

01:22:31 Ghost Face Killah arrives. I wonder what his favorite movie is. Is it Halloween!?

01:22:55 As he is about to murder a Jamie Lee Curtis-distracted Jamie Kennedy, Ghost Face Killah becomes distracted by Sidney’s screams outside. Priorities, bro.

01:23:37 Sidney takes refuge in the production van with Monica’s camera guy. They watch as Jamie Kennedy narrowly avoids death. But the camera guy remembers that the footage is on a 30-second delay. He exits the van and notices the house’s front door wide open. Ghost Face Killah sneaks around the van and slits his throat.

01:23:57 Sidney escapes the van and runs into a horse field.

01:24:28 Dewey and Monica return to the house and Dewey investigates.

01:26:44 Monica attempts to flee in the production van and narrowly avoids hitting Sidney. The production van goes flying into the woods and rams into a tree. Your mother is avenged, Sid!

01:27:17 Sidney returns to the house and finds Dewey leaning against the front door with a knife in his back. Ghost Face Killah re-pursues Sidney.

01:27:48 Sidney rushes to Dewey’s police car and locks the door. Ghost Face Killah hangs outside, giggling and waving the car keys at the window. He disappears underneath the vehicle’s eye-line.

01:28:06 He unlocks one door and Sidney dives over the seat to re-lock it.

01:28:22 He opens the hatchback trunk.

01:28:30 And grabs Sidney. She wrestles with GFK and escapes the vehicle. Ghost Face Killah is soooo inept at killing his key targets.

01:28:56 Jamie Kennedy shows up outside. Sidney points Dewey’s gun at him. Oh, and apparently Matthew Lillard has now reemerged. Curious.

01:29:15 “He did it!” “No, he did it!” “No, no, he did it, Sidney!” “NO HE DID IT!” For fucks sake just shoot them both!

01:29:21 “Fuck you both,” and Sidney locks them out of the house. Good for you, Sid. Morale victories are fun too.

01:29:42 As they bang on the door, Billy comes rolling down the steps. Sidney runs to comfort him but he insists that she open the front door.

01:30:25 Billy lets Jamie Kennedy in, quotes Psycho and shoots him with Sidney’s gun. I mean, I think Kennedy can appreciate going out that way. Psycho is a pretty legendary film.

01:30:40 Oh shit, I’m dead?

01:30:45 Billy reveals his blood as colored corn syrup. You should probably get that checked out, dude.

01:30:51 Matthew Lillard reemerges. Sidney is a little bit too surprised given it is Lillard’s house and all.

01:31:25 Billy corners Sidney in the kitchen. “Fuck you!” Sidney screams. “I already did that, baha!” Stillll not flirting, dude.

01:32:16 “Why’d you kill my mother?” Sidney cries.

“Here that? She wants a motive. Sidney, did Norman Bates have a motive?” Billy lectures.

Ummm, yeah. He kind of did. Did you even watch Psycho? You just read Wikipedia, didn’t you. Yeahhhh, you read Wikipedia.

Oh and what the fuck? Why’d you kill her mother and then wait a year to kill her and all of her friends? Were you really that confident you two would still be dating?

01:32:29 “It’s scarier when there is no motive,” Billy reasons.

“We killed your mother because she was a slut,” Billy says in his next breath, stating his motive and ruining all of his credibility. “Your mother was fucking my father and she’s the reason that my mother moved out and abandoned me.”

Hey, Billy, do we need to go to dictionary.com and look up the fucking definition of the word, ‘motive’? Because I don’t think you get it. And, ewwww, you still dated the daughter of the woman who fucked your dad?

01:33:38 Matthew Lillard gets way too excited before dragging Sidney’s father into the room. This movie takes place over a week and you just held someone hostage in your home? Don’t you live with your parents or something and they didn’t find this guy when you were out at school?

01:34:08 They place all of the clues on Sidney’s father. The perfect crime! Except for all your finger prints and Billy’s sexual acts with Sidney. Don’t worry, I don’t think CBS has a CSI franchise dispatched to your neighborhood yet.

01:34:52 Billy stabs Matthew Lillard to play it off like they are victims as well. Then Lillard stabs Billy. And then Billy stabs Lillard. Then again. Then again. Ummm, didn’t you guys plan this part out? This doesn’t seem like it’s all going to plan.

What a cute couple

01:36:27 Lillard goes to retrieve the gun but finds it missing and panics.

01:36:46 Monica aims the gun at Lillard.

01:37:17 Monica pulls the trigger but the safety is on. Billy sparta kicks her out the door.

01:37:59 Distracted by the awesome-ness of Billy’s sparta kick, the Ghost Face Killah’s lose track of Sidney.

01:38:13 The phone rings. Billy answers.

01:38:28 Sidney tells Billy that she already called the police. He gives the phone to a steadily-bleeding out Matthew Lillard.

01:39:03 Billy quickly changes his mind and yanks the phone from Lillard. He yells, “fuckkkk,” into the receiver then throws it into Lillard’s back.

“Stop hitting me with the phone, you dick!” shouts a blood-vacant Lillard.

“Yo, I’ve told you man. You’ve got the wrong number.”

01:39:51 Billy searches for his ex-girlfriend-step-sister but is distracted by Jamie Lee Curtis, who is still on the freaking TV. Taking her chance, Sidney stabs Billy with an umbrella while wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask.

01:40:18 Obviously-pissed-over-the-amount-of-blood-he’s-lost-Matthew Lillard tackles Sidney. She then beats up Lillard and drops the Halloween-playing-TV on his face, electrocuting him.

01:40:52 Jamie Kennedy pops up. Oh my god! He’s alive!

01:41:01 And immediately gets punched in the face by Billy.

01:41:39 Billy attempts to stab Sidney but is shot by Monica who has discovered the goddamn safety!

01:42:59 The police finally arrive and take Sidney’s father to the hospital. Monica does her news story (and gets her book sequel!)

How was the party, Sid?

End Credits

That’s a wrap on Scream. I’m over 5,000 words on a movie that was only an hour forty-five long. Dammit.

Anyway, we learned that I am Jamie Kennedy, I guess… That comparing your relationship to classic horror films is not flirting and that BARRYMORE CANNOT COOK POPCORN LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING! FOR FUCKS SAKE!

That’s all I’ve got. Do as you will with it.

Sources

• Scream. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1996.
• Cover Image

28 Days Later

00:00:00 Please don’t call it a zombie movie. Whatever you say, these aren’t zombies. The director even says, “my villain-dudes are not zombies.” They’re called infected because they are, well, infected. This is what would happen if the plague was fused with steroids and then got an adrenaline shot. Oh, yeah, this movie is called 28 Days Later.

While not a zombie film, 28 Days Later revitalized the zombie genre in 2003. Before then the genre was deader than it’s occupants. Director Danny Boyle gave a spark to this sub-genre by making his villains scary and, actually, deadly. Before then, a couple of well-timed jukes could have avoided you all of the horror conflict. Boyle imagined a desolate London whose new residents were diseased super humans hungry for living flesh. And his main character somehow slept through the whole ordeal for, you guessed it, 28 days!

Basically, if you love The Walking Dead, Zombieland, or Nazi Zombies, you have 28 Days Later to thank. So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents 28 Days Later!

00:00:10 By the way, with both this film and Shaun of the Dead, you have to thank the British for influencing your addiction to everything zombie.

00:00:50 Stock news footage of chaos. Don’t worry, this is how every zombie genre film begins.

00:01:27 An ape is tied up Clockwork Orange-style being forced to watch a never-ending loop of the violence. Someone save Cesar!!

00:02:09 Ocean’s Eleven: PETA Edition breaks into the ape-experimenting facility.

00:02:45 Is Andy Serkis playing all these apes? I’m just going to assume Andy Serkis plays every ape in film history from now on.

00:03:34 The Ocean’s Eleven squad is discovered by a graveyard-shift scientist. He begs them not to release the apes as they have been injected with a drug called ‘Rage.’

00:04:22 Ocean’s Eleven releases the apes anyway because nobody tells George Clooney and Brad Pitt what to do!

00:04:53 Apes instantly attack Ocean’s Eleven. Victim Zero’s!

00:05:23 Cue card fades in: 28 Days Later.

00:05:30 Just curious, what were the plans for those scientists injecting the apes with Rage and then having to isolate them? Was this some underground laboratory for GNC? Were they making the next pre-workout mix?! Imagine infected strength while getting your leg day in? Making gains, bro!

00:05:37 Man (Not Rick) wakes up from a coma. This man is Cillian Murphy, also known for his portrayal of Scarecrow in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight series.

00:07:06 Scarecrow wanders around the vacant hospital. Half of his hair has been shaved which probably classifies him as a hipster. Dude, the zombie apocalypse is way too mainstream. I’mma go ghost for a while, come back 28 days later. No, man, I told you, a month is too mainstream!

00:08:53 Scarecrow leaves the hospital and enters a barren London. He walks over the Westminster Bridge. No tourists. SOMETHING IS TOTALLY UP, YOU GUYS!

00:10:28 Scarecrow visits every touristy spot in London, just in case you forget that he is in London and not Tennessee. That or he is totally taking a great opportunity to sight-see. Look, guys! No line to get into Buckingham Palace!

00:11:21 St. Paul’s Cathedral! No way, Trafalgar Square! Look, it’s the London Eye! We are seeing everything today!

00:11:51 Scarecrow’s got the Andrew Luck beard going on. Stop copying the hipsters, Luck!

00:12:50 Scarecrow finds a memorial wall to the lost and the dead which is pretty much everyone in London.

00:13:50 He enters a church and finds, “THE END IS FUCKING NIGH,” written on the walls. You’re telling me, dude.

00:14:19 Scarecrow climbs to the second floor of the church to overlook hundreds of dead bodies scattered throughout the pews.

00:15:03 “Hello?” he asks.

00:15:05 Dozens of bodies awaken.

00:15:38 A priest comes running up the staircase and tries to attack Scarecrow, who promptly wacks him and then begs for forgiveness. I think you’re exempt if the priest attacks you first, Scarecrow. Is that one of the bylaws?

00:15:49 Scarecrow rushes out of the church.

00:16:00 Confirmed, it is not one of the bylaws.

00:16:16 Scarecrow invites the awakened infected to a 1,600 meter race. The infected gladly accept.

00:16:20 Randoms begin throwing molotov cocktails at the infected, setting them aflame. That’s totally against the rules of the race, right??

00:16:25 The rules clearly state you must remain unflaming throughout the course of the race.

00:16:31 And you’re DQ’d! And you’re DQ’d!

The race is on!

00:16:52 Scarecrow, who began the race at a distant 20:1 odds, takes first place!!

00:17:06 He takes refuge with the molotov cocktail-throwers in a gas station’s back room. The other flaming contestants ignite a bunch of gasoline and, well, blow up.

00:17:38 The gang make their way down into the subway tubes. One of them tells a frightened Scarecrow riddles. Scarecrow isn’t good at riddles.

00:18:53 One of the molotov cocktail-throwers is Naomie Harris. She’s the voodoo lady from Pirates of the Caribbean. She will from here forth be referred to as Voodoo. The other guy is Mark. He’s pretty lame.

00:19:30 Voodoo brings Scarecrow up to speed on all he’s missed in his 28 days of unconsciousness. Scarecrow is pretty relieved that he chose the perfect time to check out for a little while.

00:20:37 “There has to be a government,” Scarecrow insists, “police, authority…” No countries and no religion too?!

00:22:02 Mark, Voodoo, and Scarecrow continue their sightseeing of London in daylight. Hey, a plague-like apocalypse can’t ruin a good vacation!

00:23:09 The group enters Scarecrow’s old home. He finds his parents dead in their bed, cause of death via sleeping pills. The group takes refuge for the night.

00:28:05 Scarecrow explores his home and watches old home videos. An infected spots the light from the television and attack through the glass door. Mark saves Scarecrow by hacking the infected with a machete. Voodoo is pissed. She asks Scarecrow if he’s been bitten but he denies. She turns to Mark; he has been bitten. She kills Mark. Being bitten is too mainstream, bro. You are officially EXPELLED from the hipster functioning homo sapien faction!

00:30:53 Voodoo explains the rules of the infected to Scarecrow which is essentially the official zombie survival guide.

00:32:38 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction spot a light coming from an apartment complex. They begin a 15 floor climb to the illuminating beacon.

00:33:46 On floor eight, they realize the infected have infiltrated the complex. The infected fly up the staircase triple the speed of the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. I mean, should we just accept being infected? These guys seem to be way more athletic than hipster humans. Scarecrow was heaving on floor five alone!

00:34:31 Voodoo and Scarecrow run into a riot-gear clad fellow who beats up the infected and invites the faction in for tea.

00:35:24 Oh, look! It’s Mad-eye Moody! And he has two totally normal eyes!

00:35:36 They introduce themselves to Mad-Eye and his daughter, Hannah.

00:35:38 The light emitting from the apartment are flashing Christmas lights which instantly qualifies 28 Days Later as a classic Christmas film. Hey, if we can put Die Hard on the list, I can put 28 goddamn Days Later on my list too! No, we are not watching Frosty the Snowman again, mom! We are watching the infected chase a bunch of hipsters around downtown London! ‘Tis the season!

Happy Holidays!

00:38:07 Scarecrow shaves. He didn’t like being compared to Andrew Luck.

00:38:51 Voodoo and Scarecrow take refuge at Mad-Eye’s apartment. Functioning Homo Sapien Faction’s couch hopping abilities are strong!

00:40:17 Mad Eye shows Scarecrow the roof where he is collecting rain water to drink, proving his worth as a true hipster and eco-friendly as well.

00:41:09 I wonder, if there truly is an infected apocalypse, if the hipsters have a stronger chance of survival. Does Vegas have odds on which stereotypes will last the longest?

00:42:34 Mad-Eye is inducted to the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. They argue over whether to respond to a military proclamation for people to journey to a safe house outside the city. Infected and Xenomorphs need not apply.

00:43:18 Mad-Eye is a taxi driver. He takes the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction out for another tour of London.

00:43:59 Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.

00:44:20 Mad-Eye takes their taxi underneath in a tunnel where there are abandoned cars and dead bodies. Haven’t seen this!

00:45:02 Mad-Eye turns into a monster truck driver and begins running over the cars until he blows out his tire. Note to self: taxi is not a 20-foot tall monster truck.

00:45:41 While fixing the wrecked tire, rats expel from the sewers. Ironically, they do not begin a plague.

00:46:00 The infected enter the tunnels, their shadows reflect upon the walls. The hipsters turn NASCAR pit crew to replace the tire.

00:46:56 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction escape, prove that the infected are not as fast as moving vehicles. Infected is overrated anyway!

Don’t attempt spontaneous monster truck rallies.

00:47:43 The Faction find a grocery store and go BLACK FRIDAY ALL OVER IT!

00:48:50 Mad-Eye steals about five bottles of whiskey, is my kind of guy.

00:49:21 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction decide it’s a beautiful day to travel the outskirts of London, promptly run out of gas.

00:50:03 They decide to siphon some gasoline from a tanker. Stealing is now officially totally hipster.

00:51:34 Scarecrow enters the adjacent store because, “he wants a cheeseburger.” I mean, unless McDonald’s isn’t telling us something about their Big Macs storage ability, I’m pretty sure all that ground meat is rotten. But, it is McDonald’s soo….

00:52:17 Scarecrow gets jump scared by an infected. He beats the shit out of it. End scene.

00:53:25 The group drives to Stonehenge because you can’t go to England and not see Stonehenge!

00:53:56 Confirmed: bunch of random stones in the ground are not Stonehenge.

00:54:16 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction stop to eat some of their stolen food.

00:56:13 The group decides to bunk up for the night OUTSIDE. Why is that the plan!? Every other plan so far has seemed legit given the circumstances but now we’re sleeping outside!? (Not) Stonehenge will not protect you!

00:58:31 Scarecrow wakes up in daylight to find himself abandoned. He yells at a bunch of horses.

00:59:01 Except he was dreaming and it is still dark. Are we back to Oculus? Is that a goddamned mirror hanging on Stonehenge?!

00:59:27 The group awakes in daylight. I still do not approve of their ‘camping with the infected’ plan.

01:00:25 Taxi continues down abandoned free ways. The taxi toll continues to rise. Will that be cash or credit?

01:01:51 The taxi reaches a Manchester border toll booth. The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction remembers that they denounced coin money as too mainstream right before deciding being infected wasn’t very hipster. I mean, given their declaration that hipsters steal everything now, our group should be fine.

01:03:15 The toll booth has been blockaded by the military. Looks like they’ll have to actually pay the toll. Dammit all!

01:03:55 Mad-Eye goes searching for some set of keys to move the military truck blockade.

01:05:10 Mad-Eye gets pissed at a crow feasting on some infected body hanging on a pillar. He gets underneath it and starts yelling at the rude crow when a drop of blood falls into his eye.

01:05:36 Mad-Eye realizes that he is fucked. He goes to tell his daughter that he loves her and to keep away. He begins his conversion to the mainstream-infection side but Mad-Eye is shot dead by hidden military soldiers.

01:06:58 The soldiers bring the depleted Functioning Homo Sapien Faction to their headquarters, Windsor Castle.

01:07:12 Okay, it’s not really Windsor Castle but I’m going to call it freaking Windsor Castle.

01:07:43 The soldiers bring the faction to their leader, Major Henry West, played by Christopher Eccleston, who recently played Malekith in Thor: The Dark World.

01:08:59 Voodoo and Scarecrow, once again, take refuge. This time at Windsor Castle. Be careful, Malekith! The last two people they couch hopped on didn’t make it past the hour mark!

01:10:59 Malekith gives Scarecrow a tour of all their booby-traps such as flood lights, trip wires and well-placed snipers, to protect Windsor Castle.

Malekith, proud owner of Windsor Castle.

01:11:47 Scarecrow is beginning to see that the soldiers are really a bunch of immature jerks. I guess Vegas needs to up ‘immature jerks’ odds for apocalypse survival?

01:12:10 Malekith has an infected tied up in their courtyard for experimentation. If only Ocean’s Eleven could see this now!

01:13:06 The infected are people too! Freedom! Freedom!

01:13:54 The soldiers feast in Windsor Castle’s dining hall, slamming their silverware and singing Arsenal chants. Long live the infected Queen!

01:14:13 Malekith is totally having a King Henry the VIII complex syndrome. He will collect many wives, or immature soldiers or hipsters. You know what, fuck it. OFF WITH ALL THEIR HEADS!

01:15:54 One of the sergeants tries his best Plato impersonation, believes that they should just let the infected happen, man; return to normality. Scratch that, sergeant may be more surfer duuuuude.

01:16:44 Hannah refuses to eat. Malekith demands she eats or off with her head!

01:17:15 Infected trip the encompassing alarms. Asshole soldiers go to work, gunning down the intruders. They count their killings, keeping score. You’re welcome, Nazi Zombies.

01:18:45 The soldiers return from their slaughter and mock Voodoo for both holding a machete and being a women. I told you these soldiers were jerks.

01:19:50 Malekith breaks up his soldier’s inappropriate pursuit of Voodoo. She storms off to her bedroom. Malekith takes Scarecrow to his office for a drink.

01:20:54 Malekith explains his intentions for the women of the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction. He wants them to become wives to him and his soldiers, to become impregnated and create for their future. He really took the Henry the VIII thing seriously, didn’t he?

01:21:52 Scarecrow won’t allow it. He rushes to retrieve Voodoo and Hannah but is knocked out conscious by an asshole soldier.

01:22:08 Scarecrow comes to and Malekith reiterates that the only way he doesn’t start feeding his Pet Infected is if he cooperates.

01:23:54 Scarecrow is sent to the brig where he finds that sergeant surfer duuude is also exiled. A few moments later, the two of them are being dragged out into the middle of the woods to be executed.

01:25:45 The immature jerk soldiers execute surfer duuuude and, while they argue since they are immature jerks, Scarecrow escapes over the Windsor Castle dividing wall. The immature soldiers shrug and go home. Mission accomplished??

01:27:25 Scarecrow runs through the woods and falls. He stares up at the sky and sees a plane cruising through the air. There is hope.

01:28:19 Malekith unleashes his immature children soldiers on Voodoo and Hannah. Voodoo hypnotizes the immature jerks with her femininity to leave Hannah and her alone to dress. While they are gone, Voodoo tries to convince Hannah to commit suicide with pills. One of the soldiers breaks this up however.

01:30:23 The alarm sounds, soldiers scatter.

01:30:30 Beyond the Windsor wall, Scarecrow triggers the beacon. Attack on Windsor Castle commences!

Begin Siege!

01:31:05 A convoy drives out to the beacon. Scarecrow waits. He has learned the ways of the infected; has now become Infected (but not really infected) Ninja.

01:32:24 Scarecrow kills one of the soldiers and disconnects the military vehicle. Malekith is stranded.

01:33:17 Malekith begins his on-foot trek through the woods back to Windsor.

01:33:42 Scarecrow returns to Windsor and unleashes Pet Infected. Pet and him exchange knowing looks and Pet creates chaos within the castle.

01:33:46 The infected are so misunderstood! All it takes is a little bit of trust and some parkour and we can all get along!

01:34:09 The immature soldiers are on-edge with King Henry the VIII away.

01:35:01 Sleeping-pill-drugged Hannah goes all premonition on the soldiers, telling them they’re going to be next.

01:35:13 Pet Infected immediately responds with killer-precise timing, murders soldier through a window.

01:35:24 Voodoo and Hannah escape but Hannah is high as a kite. She doesn’t seem to worry about the impending doom. Surfer duuuude would have been so proud of you, Hannah!

01:36:06 The infection begins to spread throughout the soldiers. Infiltrate from within!

01:37:13 The soldiers panic as the infected begin to multiply. One soldier runs up the stairs to be stabbed by Scarecrow. Scarecrow has now entered the building!

01:38:07 Malekith returns to find his house a wreck and most of his soldiers dying and/or chasing their former teammates around his castle. This is why you always hire a babysitter!

01:39:26 Hannah hides from an infected by hanging from the back of a mirror. The infected enters the room and is entranced by his own reflection. The narcissism is strong with this one!

01:40:21 Scarecrow frantically searches Windsor for Voodoo and Hannah.

01:41:24 He finds Voodoo being held hostage by a soldier. He drops down and brutally murders the soldier. The infected have taught him well!

01:42:26 Given his infected-like violence, Voodoo threatens to hack Scarecrow with a machete. Upon noticing his active membership card to the Functioning Homo Sapien Faction, she decides the better course of action is to make out with him instead.

01:43:03 Given Voodoo and Scarecrow’s non-infected-like make out session, Hannah breaks a bottle over Scarecrow’s head. We’ll give Hannah a pass on this one though. She’s still superrrr highhhh.

01:43:35 The realigned Functioning Homo Sapien Faction flee Windsor Castle towards Mad-Eye’s taxi. Upon opening the cab door, Malekith shoots Scarecrow.

01:43:37 Hannah, who has taken her place in the drivers spot which I can only wonder why given her super high actions of the past ten minutes, reverses the taxi into Windsor’s main entrance. Her new best friend, Pet Infected, rips Malekith out of the rear window and tears him to pieces.

01:44:14 The Functioning Homo Sapien Faction retreat from the castle and Pet Infected bellows from the doorway, proclaiming there is a new King of England! ALL HAIL!

01:44:41 Hannah speeds the taxi towards the main gate, which is locked. In her infinite-high wisdom, she rams it. The screen goes black. A 28 days later cue card fades in.

01:44:59 Scarecrow awakens in bed, showing off a rather impressive inner clock.

01:45:49 The faction is in Scotland surviving on canned goods in isolation.

01:47:41 A jet flies by and sees HELLO written on the faction’s lawn with knitted sheets. “Send a helicopter,” the pilot orders over his comms.

01:47:58 “Think he saw us this time?” Voodoo teases.

END CREDITS

And that’s a wrap on 28 Days Later! Remember to always bet on hipsters when it comes to apocalypses. World-wide doom is wayyy too mainstream. Oh, and beware King Henry the VIII’s immature army. They are both ill-prepared and perverts.

Also, next time you watch a zombie movie or watch a new episode of the Walking Dead, remember that it probably wouldn’t exist if Danny Boyle didn’t introduce the infected’s vacation in London. Oh and also don’t let GNC test pre-workouts on apes! It is very dangerous for mankind and doesn’t make a lick of sense!

Sources

• 28 Days Later. Dir. Danny Boyle. Perf. Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris. DNA Films, 2002.
• Cover Image