WAR Part II

This is Horror Holiday’s WAR, where we create statistical values for horror movie characters. Before continuing, please check out The Math involved in this calculation and The Concept of what WAR pertains to.

Here are our five WAR analyses for this week:

Ellen Ripley, Alien

Ironically, for being such a bad ass, Ellen Ripley begins the movie as just one of the entourage on the Nostromo. The film doesn’t really focus on her until everyone starts dying by way of enraged Xenomorph. That’s when Ripley steps up. And boy, does she ever!

She disrupts Bilbo Baggins’ plot to screw the crew and practically rips his robotic face off. Then she jettisons the Xenomorph into the seven different layers of Hell. Plus, she saves a cat! Whatta heroine! And did I mention she carries a freaking flamethrower?

For all of Ripley’s heroics, she does kinda leave her crew to die. She seems pretty self-focused on getting herself out of there, even leaving Captain Viper for dead. That’s not very team player of ya, Ms. Weaver.

All in all, Ripley is a bad ass. And I haven’t even covered her sequel yet!

Ellen Ripley Official WAR: 5.2

Karen Gillan, Oculus

I’ll try not to be biased in this analysis even though Miss Gillan is my personal hero. In the movie, Karen doesn’t actually do too much to benefit her cause. Sure, she has a ‘fool-proof’ plan to capture the evil Oculus mirror but everything (everything!) falls apart just past the hour mark. And she drags her recently-cured-of-insanity brother in on the procedure. We’re gonna go ahead and say that wasn’t the best idea.

She faces insurmountable odds though and does deserves credit for the research, construction of a solid plan and keeping her sanity for the majority of the film. There was just no way she was defeating that mirror.

She ends up killing her fiance, losing her brother’s mind and her own life by the end of the film. Unfortunately for Karen, she appeared to just be a passenger for Oculus’ terror.

Karen Gillan Official WAR: 1.2

Chris Hemsworth, The Cabin in the Woods

Pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth plays the typical jock in this generic slasher film. Except he’s actually a sociology major on Dean’s list and this isn’t your generic slasher flick.

It’s unfortunate we didn’t get to see the real Hemsworth character. Instead we view him as an asshole jock who’s just looking to get it in with his girlfriend in the middle of the woods. Can we claim, “being drugged,” as an exception to WAR laws? No? Sorry, Chris. Here we go.

Drugged-Dumb-Chris Hemsworth invites his best buds for a weekend away at his cousin’s cabin. Once getting there, the environment appears strange. Chris thinks nothing of it though because his girlfriend is right there and she’s now blonde! It’s the damn American Pie dream!

Hemsworth pursues his dream by being a dick to all of his friends, taking his blonde girlfriend into the woods (where she is killed), leading the Zombie Redneck Torture Family back to the cabin and finally crashing face first into an invisible wall while trying to escape on his dirt bike. While Hemsworth’s last acts were noble and brave, they were also very stupid. And we take off points for stupidity.

Hemsworth displays about 30 seconds of leadership in the film but, before he can act further, Bradley Whitford drugs him once again. Nice knowing ya, Thor.

Chris Hemsworth Official WAR: 0.5

Cillian Murphy, 28 Days Later

Murphy awakens from a coma 28 days after a virus outbreak has obliterated the globe. Wish timing. He wanders around downtown London until he meets up with a hipster-esque survival faction. He then grows as a post-apocalyptic survivor up to the point where he becomes as raging as the infected themselves.

While largely ineffective for most of the movie (he basically just goes with the flow, having little effect on the actual story process), he does breakout in the film’s climax. After nearly being executed by a group of soldiers, he returns to the castle where his friends are being held and goes ape-shit to save them from being raped. He unleashes an infected to do his dirty work but he also goes about massacring the soulless-soldiers himself.

Murphy saves his friends and then outlasts the infected apocalypse. Not too shabby for missing the first quarter of the outbreak.

Cillian Murphy Official WAR: 3.4

Ben, Night of the Living Dead

I feel like including both Ben and Ellen Ripley in the same WAR section is unfair, but it’s almost Christmas so happy holidays.

Ben is one of my personal favorites in the horror genre. He is calm under pressure, displays leadership and also knows when it’s time to kick ass. He lights zombies on fire and kicks them, for goodness sake!

He saves Barbra, even though she is unappreciative, and also tries his best to help Cooper, who is just a total dick. Ben single handily locks down an entire house and fights off the horde of zombies.

When morning comes, it is revealed that Ben has survived the night thanks to his brilliance. Upon leaving his hiding place, though, he is shot by a sheriff who had mistaken him as a zombie. Ben dies a tragic death that is not deserved for his character. I’ll admit that I shed a tear for him. Poor dude.

Anyway, Ben is a one man army. He is practically the viewer saying, “don’t go in there!” but in physical cinematic form. The man was brilliant, heroic and strong. It was sad to see you go.

Ben Official WAR: 5.6

Sources

• Cover Image

WAR: Part I

This is Horror Holiday’s WAR, where we create statistical values for horror movie characters. Before continuing, please check out The Math involved in this calculation and The Concept of what WAR pertains to.

Here are our five WAR analyses for this week:

Jeff Goldblum, Invasion of the Body Snatchers

We first meet Mr. Goldblum in a crowded bookstore. Upon seeing his friend, Donald Sutherland, he instantly begins ranting about conspiracy theories. He doesn’t even know yet that Sutherland just witnessed someone get brutally murdered by a mass of people.

He later leaves the bookstore and uncovers the first body snatcher body: his own. Afterwards, he promptly decides that it’s a good time to take a nap. This nearly awakens the pod person. His wife wakes him up before this can officially happen though.

Actually, now that I think about it, Goldblum does uncover most of the clues leading up to the pod people reveal. Maybe because he’s a conspiracy theorist? He also (I still don’t know how) discovers that the alien life forms came to Earth via flowers. Sutherland and the others just roll with this concept and hey, it turns out to be legit!

About an hour and 20 minutes in, Goldblum practically sacrifices himself so Sutherland and Elizabeth can stop the body snatchers. So Goldblum may have stumbled into our movie, ranting and raving about God knows what, but dammit he will be of value!

Jeff Goldblum Official WAR: 3.7

Marion Crane, Psycho

Marion’s an interesting case. She is simply the product of the movie’s mystery. She dies, oh I don’t know, 45 minutes into Psycho? But her actions in Act One are essential for moving the plot forward and discovering Norman Bates’, well, fetish.

Let’s review what Marion does on film: she steals thousands of dollars from a client, runs away, grows paranoid when a cop asks her about her day, lets the paranoia corrode her until she hides out at a sketchy motel and then is murdered.

I have to give her props on stealing from the client and then ditching her hometown Arizona; he plan was really foolproof. She literally escapes right under her boss’ nose! And she would have escaped from the police officer too if she didn’t become all sketch-McGetch. Sorry, Marion, we’ll have to take off for that one.

She later meets Norman Bates and, after some ill-advised flirting, grows cautious of him. Smart. But, as I wrote in my diary log, “we would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being.” That’s not a ringing endorsement. She’s actually one of those aforementioned cases of being more valuable dead than alive. It may be sad but it is true.

Marion Crane Official WAR: 0.7

Morgan Freeman, Se7en

It’s freaking Morgan Freeman. In a horror movie! We should feel so blessed. Honored! I would give him a 6 but, I mean, that’d be unfair to other characters.

While Freeman is his typical awesome self, he is not necessarily badass in Se7en. We meet Freeman as a fatigued detective, a few days before he officially retires. He’s simply showing his replacement, Brad Pitt, the ropes when he stumbles on an odd murder case.

After another eerily similar massacre is discovered, Freeman is sucked in. He researches Dante’s Inferno and Canterbury Tales to uncover that these murders relate to the seven deadly sins. Basically, that’s the only thing he does. Sure, he uses his FBI source to find library records but when Pitt and him visit the killer’s apartment, Pitt is nearly killed. And, upon losing the killer in the streets, Freeman warns Pitt not to break into the killer’s apartment without a warrant. Because it’s Brad Pitt, he breaks in anyway and they then find out more about the murderer.

After that, more people die and Freeman and Pitt can’t catch a break. Finally, the killer, Kevin Spacey, turns himself in. But Spacey has an Ace up his sleeve, which ends up being Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretty, little head.

While Freeman performs thorough research and acts as a solid mentor to Pitt (maybeee??) he doesn’t actually save anyone. More people actually die because he wants to do things, “by the book.” In the end, he retires and Pitt is mentally unstable. Spacey practically owned their asses.

Morgan Freeman Official WAR: 2.4

Mike Piazza, Dawn of the Dead Remake

So this isn’t really Mike Piazza, the baseball player. He just has the handlebar mustache and is played by an unknown actor. So he’s Mike Piazza in my book.

Piazza is the head security guard at the mall that our survivors hideout at. At first, he’s a controlling dick. He locks survivors up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and tries to play God with his mall. This ultimately backfires and there is an obvious rebellion. He is then imprisoned down below.

Piazza has a change of heart, though, and decides to help the others with his knowledge of the mall’s power system. He eventually progresses beyond this role into full blown hero, helping to save a red head and a dog and then, in the film’s conclusion, blowing up hundreds of zombies and sacrificing himself in order for the others to escape onto a boat.

This was an intriguing character development. Piazza went from being very detrimental to our heroes safety to being one of the more valuable members of the group. Once he got his head right, he proved to be very reliable. He displayed calm under pressure, leadership, sacrifice and, hey, badassery. But unfortunately, the whole movie must be considered. And Piazza hurts himself in that regard.

Mike Piazza Official WAR: 2.7

Kevin Bacon, Friday the 13th

Trust me, this one will be quick. This whole movie could be quick actually. No one was valuable in this movie. All the characters were merely vehicles for slaughter. Kevin Bacon gets sex (nice) but also neglects to realize his dead friend in the bunk bed above him.

Bacon’s throat is then slit from Mrs. Voorhees who HAD BEEN UNDER THE BED THE ENTIRE TIME! How do you lack that awareness? And these aren’t goddamn tempurpedics either. This is a cot. And you’re having sex on it. Can you not feel another body underneath the cot that entire time you were, well, bouncing around?

Thankfully, Kevin Bacon was pretty independent to the others leading up to his death so he had no major effect on their safety. But his lack of awareness hurt as maybe a last ditch effort to warn his friends that, “hey, there’s a crazy woman under my bunk and a dead body in the one above me,” could have gone a long way of shortening this stupid movie.

Kevin Bacon Official WAR: -0.1

Sources

• Cover Image

WAR, What is it Good For?

How should we perceive WAR in horror films? Well, to put it bluntly, with a grain of salt. Whatever calculations I conceive are not going to be a perfect representation; not even baseball’s statistics are. According to FanGraphs, “WAR is not meant to be a perfectly precise indicator of a player’s contribution, but rather an estimate of their value to date.” For example, the two biggest statistical databases for Major League Baseball are BaseballReference.com and, again, FanGraphs. Both of these sites have separate numerical WAR’s for the same players. It’s largely perception-based on what is considered to have a greater team value (i.e. defense, on-base percentage, home runs, etc).

With that being said, I’d love for people to argue with me. That would be fantastic. Please, let’s debate! If you think I’m wrong, comment below and we can discuss! That’s what this is all about, right? Speculative statistics! Is that an oxymoron?

Also, for those who may not know, these numbers can drop below zero. How? Well, zero is valued as replacement level.

What is Considered Replacement Level?

This may sound a bit grim but replacement level is the behavior of a sane human being. I understand the consequences, situation and settings may be dire but chill out, dude. If your behavior is not only risking your own life but the others around you as well, you are significantly below replacement value.

Let’s put if this way: if the person next to you could turn around and, with a straight face, say, “I wish they had killed you already,” than you are below replacement level.

So What Are We Looking At?

Right! So what should we consider in this statistic?

• Cool Under Pressure

Simply put, how does the character react to an ever-escalating situation of chaos? Do they think rationally? Do they panic? Do they fall into a catatonic state? Do they freak out so irrationally that they put others in danger? This is a key baseline for WAR.

• Navigation/Use of Surroundings

Basically known as the Boy Scout rule: what can you make with what you’ve got before you? Are you going to board up those windows or are you going to sit in a corner and cry?

• Leadership

Does the character take control or do they run about like a chicken with their head cut off?

• Helpfulness

Now this one may sound a bit weird but I feel like it’s important. If one of your own just can’t take it anymore, do you help them cope and get back on track? How well do you perform in your perceived role?

• Badassery

Are you reving and waving a chainsaw high above your head or are you digging a hole with your hands? Simple enough, right?

• Body Count

Of course, we have to give special consideration to the characters who actually fight back and stack villains atop each other. That’s a high value there!

• Brains

Not eating of brains, weirdo. Like intelligence. Does the character’s actions make the audience facepalm? If yes, then they’re probably doing it wrong.

Context

So what are our borders? We’re going to say a WAR of 6 is legendary. That’s the maximum number for the statistic.

5 WAR is still great. Like, they’d be considered for an All Star team if they ever had one for horror heroes.

3-4 WAR is good. Like, they’re the Robin to Batman. They have some key moments at crucial points but they’re not technically superhero-type of status.

1-2 WAR is helpful. You’re doing your best out there. You are a valued member of this survival group but if you were the head honcho? Well, I don’t think y’all would make it.

0 WAR is replacement level. Like, you are no help. You’re not costing anything but you’re also not helping the chances of survival.

And a Negative WAR is like, come on dude, just die already. Your death may actually produce a higher WAR than your living state right now.

Alright!!

So that’s how we’re going to construct HORRWAR! That was really lame, sorry.

I am working on some characters currently and I hope to release about 5 characters each week. It’ll just be 5 random characters, not a worst to best. I will be putting the statistics into an excel sheet though so, by the end, we’ll have a reference guide.

Oh and the characters used will only be the ones I covered thus far on Horror Holiday. So when more movies are added, more characters will come into consideration.

Stay tuned!

Sources

• http://www.fangraphs.com/library/misc/war/
• Cover Image

WAR

Many baseball fans already understand the concept of W.A.R. But for those unfamiliar with the term, that’s alright; I’m here for you. And honestly, nobody really knows what it means, we all just act like we do.

WAR is an acronym for Wins Above Replacement. According to FanGraphs (because if we are doing this, we’re doing this right!), “Wins Above Replacement is an attempt by the sabermetric baseball community to summarize a player’s total contributions to their team in one statistic.” It goes on to state that you should not entirely evaluate a player using a single metric but I’m going to pretend it doesn’t. WAR is the be all, end all. Deal with it.

Why am I talking about baseball and sabermetrics? Well, if you’ve read/seen Moneyball, you’d know that the Oakland Athletics used innovative statistics to evaluate their players in ways previously unseen in the sport. That’s what we’re doing here. But instead of baseball, we’re using horror movies.

That’s right. We’re leveling the playing field and creating an all-knowing statistic to evaluate some of our favorite heroes, vile villains and down-right stupid characters.

WELCOME TO WAR, BABY! This is about to be a whole new ball game, Horror!

Sources

• http://www.fangraphs.com/library/misc/war/
• Cover Image