Psycho

00:00:00 Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock’s horror classic Psycho!

Yeah, let’s just get to it!

Take us away, Mr. Hitchcock!

00:00:30 Andddd we’re black and white. CAN YOU FEEL THAT GRITTINESS?!

00:00:54 The opening orchestra rocks out with the Pyscho theme music as the beginning credits stream by. Did you know George Lucas’ Star Wars was one of the first films to do the production credits after the movie? Before Star Wars, every movie had a two minute opening credits sequence.

00:02:21 And we begin!

00:02:30 A cue card reads Phoenix, Arizona. Friday December 11th, 2:43 pm.

00:03:30 We open up in a couple’s bedroom. The man begs her not to go into work today, that he needs her at home.

00:03:44 Scratch that, apparently they are in a hotel room because the man is having an out-of-town affair.

00:05:46 The couple have some sort of deep conversation about their complicated relationship but I’m not interested. The woman has short blonde hair. She wants more commitment from her man but the guy rattles off like seven different excuses why they can’t extend their intimacy past sketchy hotel sex.

00:07:37 The blonde haired woman, Marion Cane, finally returns to work. Apparently this was her lunch break?

00:07:40 Marion is a secretary at a realtor’s office. Big housing business going down in southern Arizona, I hear.

00:08:15 A cowboy-wannabe client comes into the office and tries flirting with Marion by talking about his own daughter. Why don’t characters in horror movies know how to flirt? This is beginning to become a dilemma!

00:08:38 “You know what I do with my unhappiness?” The client questions Marion, “I buy it off. Are you unhappy?” Now there’s a pickup line!

00:08:47 She shuts him down though. The cowboy hat wearing-client continues to brag about the house he is about to buy from her agency. “I have 40,000 cash,” and Marion’s boss’ jaw drops.

00:10:04 Marion’s boss instructs her to put the $40,000 in the safe. He doesn’t want it sitting in the office all weekend.

00:10:50 Marion asks to be excused for the day, cites a headache. But she will bring the client’s money to the bank.

00:11:28 Marion returns home and surprise! She never brought the money to the bank. She packs a suitcase and high tails it out of the state. Yeah! Fuck, Arizona, amirite?

00:13:08 She begins her drive out of Phoenix. She daydreams of her lover but is brought back to reality when she stops at a crosswalk and her boss and client stroll by. She panics but her boss merely gives her attention.

00:14:37 A police car pulls over to investigate an immobilized car on the side of the road. He peers in and Marion awakes. He probes her with some basic questions but Marion appears startled.

00:16:14 The officer requests her license and registration. He checks her plates and returns her identification to her. She drives away.

00:17:00 The officer begins to follow her.

00:17:19 She takes some exit ramps and the officer continues a steady pursuit.

00:17:45 Finally, the officer pulls off.

00:18:32 Marion drives into a car dealership and grabs a newspaper while waiting for an employee to help her. The police officer returns. Take it easy, Michael Myers, she’s not that into you.

00:19:28 Marion asks the dealer if she can trade in her car. She peers over her shoulder as the officer watches from across the street. Just saying, Marion probably doesn’t have this ongoing conflict if she doesn’t act so suspicious when the police officer asks her how her day’s going. “Uh uh uh fine sir. Now go away!” does not qualify for ‘keeping one’s cool’.

Now she’s trying to trade in her vehicle with the officer watching from across the street? You have to chill, girl!

00:22:42 The car dealer admits to Marion that he has some concerns about someone just swinging by and buying a car without even a test run. “I’m not on the run or anything,” Marion speaks all too fast, “What, you don’t like spontaneous women?”

00:22:45 By the way, the dealer has been glancing over to the onlooking police officer. Come on, Marion, poker face!

00:23:02 The dealer and Marion go into the office to finalize the transaction. The police officer pulls into the dealership and looks around.

00:23:36 Marion emerges from the office and, upon seeing the police officer, enters her new car and begins to drive away.

00:23:40 “Hey!” a mechanic shouts. Marion stops the vehicle. “You forgot your suitcase, m’aam.”

The car dealer and the police office exchange puzzled looks. Smoooooth, Marion.

00:23:45 Marion drives away. She day dreams of the potential conversation between the dealer and the officer.

00:24:31 Day turns to night. Marion begins to day dream about her boss finding out about the money. She starts to panic. Play it coooool, Marion. You have dodged two unnecessary bullets already. Stop creating conflict for yourself! You’re cool girl. Where the fuck are we driving to anyway?!

“LOL I don’t know where I’m driving to!”

00:26:07 Torrential downpours impair Marion’s vision. She pulls over to the Bates Motel. The sign is lit up for Vacancy and no vehicles occupy the lot. Marion chooses this as her destination anyway. Our girl Marion cannot make decisions under pressure.

00:27:56 The office is locked. Marion notices a light emitting from the neighboring house. A man walks past one of the windows. Marion jumps back into her car and starts wailing on the horn. Jesus Christ, Marion, alrightttt.

00:28:37 A man emerges and apologizes. He opens up the office. “12 vacancies, 12 cabins! Your lucky day!” You have to get the fuck out of there, Marion.

00:29:14 Marion signs for a room anyway. Dammit Marion. Do you want to use one of your life lines and ask the audience? Phone a friend? We need an intervention.

00:30:11 The man, Norman Bates, sets her up in room number one. “Because it’s close to the office,” Bates grins.

Hello, Norman Bates

00:30:59 Bates asks Marion to have dinner with him up at the house. Marion accepts. Goddammit Marion. We offered you life lines, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style. Not many other protagonists get that chance!

00:32:03 Marion unpacks her suitcase. Oh nowwwww you feel safe?

00:32:35 Marion overhears voices from the house on the hill. A raspy-voiced woman scolds Norman over the lady he offered dinner to. Norman argues with his mother and returns to Room #1.

00:33:56 Norman brings down tea for Marion. He breaks the news that she’s not allowed to come for dinner. Whew, dodged a bullet with that one. “Well, since you brought tea,” Marion begins, “why don’t we have some in your office.” Christ, Marion.

00:35:31 Marion eats and Norman watches. “You eat like a bird,” Norman compliments. Thanks, Norman?

00:36:10 “My hobby is stuffing things,” Norman offers unprovoked. He tells Marion that his hobby is taxidermy. Marion is fascinated. Christ.

00:37:00 We would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being. She is now flirting with Norman Bates. So the police officer who checks on your safety is ‘out to get you’ but the strange man who ‘stuffs things’ and watches you eat is cool? Arizona is weird, man.

00:37:20 “Do you have any friends to go along with those hobbies?” Marion flirts “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother,” Norman utters under his breath. I’ve ran out of warning flags. I have to walk around and pick them back up just in case I need to throw more into the air.

00:37:31 “Where are you headed?” the strange man asks. “I’m looking for a private island,” Marion answers.

00:37:40 “What are you running away from?”

00:37:45 “Well why do you say that?”

00:38:42 Norman and Marion then discuss his mother. I don’t remember how we got here.

00:39:30 Norman gives Marion the brief history of his mother and the hotel. Her husband convinced her to invest in it but passed away rather gruesomely. “She’s been rather ill since,” Norman delivers.

00:40:52 “See,” Norman concludes, “I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become.” Marion just stares. Come on, Marion, I’ve pick up all my red flags. I’m throwing two more right in your face. You’ve. got. to. leave.

00:40:21 Marion offers her opinion that Norman should put his mother somewhere, like an institution.

00:41:04 Norman is offended. He glares at Marion and defends his mother. By the way, I haven’t seen him blink in about five minutes.

00:42:15 “It’s not… that she’s a maniac,” Norman stutters, “she just goes a little mad sometimes.” His eyes raise to meet Marion. “We all go a little mad sometimes.” His stare travels miles through her.

00:42:36 A grin breaks his face, “Haven’t you?”

00:42:40 Marion shyly answers, “yes. One time. Sometimes one time is enough.”

00:43:01 Norman’s grin holds.

00:43:42 Marion tells Bates that she plans to go back to Arizona tomorrow. She has business she hopes on fixing. She leaves and Norman returns to his office.

00:44:44 He stands unflinching for around 20 seconds then approaches the wall and removes a painting. A tiny peep hole appears. He puts his eye to the oculus and watches Marion undress. Creepy, bro.

00:46:01 He finally leaves the office and returns to the house.

00:46:32 Marion calculates her spendings thus far in the trip. She shakes her head at it and then rips it to shreds.

00:47:07 She enters the bathroom and disrobes to shower.

00:47:32 As she showers, a shadow approaches behind the curtain. A woman rips the divider back and reveals a butcher’s knife. She stabs Marion repeatedly and her blood washes down the drain.

Uh-oh

00:49:08 Gee, no wonder why the Bates Motel isn’t popular. How many stars do you think it got on Expedia?

00:49:55 The camera pans up to the house. “Mother, what’s this blood?” Norman questions, “oh god!”

00:50:05 He rushes down to Room #1. Marion’s death is confirmed. Beside himself, he leaves the room and returns to his office.

00:51:38 He emerges with a mop and bucket. So is this a common occurrence? He’s got supplies on hand. The mop is practically labeled, “blood only.”

00:52:37 Norman begins disposing of the body.

00:52:51 What do you think? 2.5 stars? It’s got a good per-night price and if you don’t insult Mrs. Bates you could make it a second night half price!

00:54:14 Norman wipes down the entire bathroom. Exceptional maid service! Can’t say anything about the customer service though. Call back later.

00:55:38 Oh my god are we still cleaning up the crime scene? Am I supposed to root for Norman Bates because he seems like a pretty nice guy who is above average at cleaning blood out of showers?

00:56:51 Bates puts Marion’s body in her car and finishes up the cleaning. Somehow he has yet to find the $40,000.

00:57:38 He has packed her suitcase, wrapped the body up and even folded her clothes nicely. The $40,000 still sits wrapped in newspaper on the bed stand. He even stole her comb! Dude!!!

00:57:40 HE LEAVES THE ROOM WITH THE ONLY THING LEFT BEING THE MONEY IN THE NEWSPAPER! Can we offer Norman some life lines?

00:58:08 Norman, having chose ‘ask the audience,’ returns to the room to pick up the newspaper. He casually tosses it into the trunk and drives away.

00:59:06 He drives the car into a swamp and ditches it. It sinks.

00:59:37 I don’t get it, man. You’re so detail oriented but when it comes to the weight of a normal newspaper, you’re oblivious. $40,000 of cash is heavy. Newspapers? Typically aren’t that heavy.

01:01:24 Marion’s sister Lila shows up at Marion’s boy toy’s hardware store. She’s looking for Marion. Boy Toy gives about seven different excuses why he wouldn’t know where Marion is. Smooooth.

01:01:50 Marion’s been missing for nearly a week and Lila is concerned.

01:02:16 Another man enters. He introduces himself as Private Investigator Arbogast. “Where is she, Miss Crane?”

01:02:32 PI Arbogast informs them about his case against Marion. “She’s got 40,000 reasons to disappear.”

01:03:55 Arbogast firmly believes she is in the same town as her boy toy. Cue investigation montage!

01:04:36 Montage ends with Arbogast arriving at the Bates Motel.

01:05:03 “Evening,” Norman greets the man, “we have vacancies. Twelve in fact. Twelve cabins, twelve vacancies.”

01:05:50 Arbogast questions Bates about his missing person. He hands Bates a picture but he shakes his head.

01:07:01 Arbogast continues to dig at Bates but Norman keeps his cool. See, Marion, if you took some lessons from the awkward taxidermist, you could have avoided a mother’s rage fit.

01:07:37 Arbogast checks the hotel log and notices an alias similar to Marion’s. Bate chews his gum harder. “Want to take a look at the picture again?” Arbogast offers.

01:07:58 “Oh yeah I do remember her….”

01:08:12 Bates provides the story of his interactions with Marion. Arbogast messes with his psyche. Note to Marion: maybe don’t take lessons from Norman.

01:09:39 Norman mentions that she paid in cash but I wonder if he even got paid. She never checked out and then Bates sank the 40 grand down with the ship.

01:09:41 That’s what I call a sunk cost. I’ll show myself out.

01:10:40 Bates offers to show Arbogast all twelve of the cabins. The Private Investigator is distracted by a figure in the window of the house. Bates tells him that it’s his mother but she is confined. Norman lets slip that his mother interacted with Marion but declines when Arbogast asks for a conversation.

01:13:20 Arbogast drives to a pay phone and reports his findings to Lila. He’s slightly suspicious of the motel.

01:14:30 The orchestra has not stopped once in the entire movie. I think it’s infecting my mind. My entire life will now be narrated by a grand orchestra.

01:14:35 Actually that doesn’t sound all too bad.

01:15:59 Arbogast returns to the Bates Motel but does not find Norman. He investigates and wanders up into the house.

01:16:10 By the way, maybe we should add ‘motels with completely open vacancies’ to the DO NOT ENTER list. Marion had 40 grand and she couldn’t find a better hotel?

01:17:30 Arbogast explores the house. He lingers a little too long at a shadow underneath the door. Mama Bates emerges with her good ole butcher’s knife and murders Arbogast.

01:19:00 Back at the hardware store, Lila and Boy Toy panic over Arbogast’s radio silence. Boy Toy drives up to the Bates Motel to investigate but he returns with nothing.

01:20:38 Boy Toy and Lila decide to see some Doctor. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s got connections to Doctor Loomis. Michael and the Bates family have similar murder techniques anyway.

01:22:55 My bad, turns out the doctor is really a sheriff. I’m bummed. A Bates/Myers crossover film could have been kick ass.

01:23:08 They finally convince the sheriff to call Norman Bates’ telephone. Bates answers.

01:23:36 Norman tells the sheriff that the Private Investigator came and went. Lila pries that Arbogast called and said he was returning to speak with Mama Bates.

01:23:59 The Sheriff snickers. “M’aam, Mrs. Bates has been dead for the last eight years.” Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

01:24:03 Oh what? Come on, grand orchestra, you can’t give me that?

01:24:30 Sheriff tells them about the murder-suicide between her and the lover. The sheriff’s interest is peaked when Boy Toy mentions seeing an old women sitting in the window of the house.

01:25:55 Norman Bates puts down the phone receiver. He climbs the stairs and enters his mom’s bedroom. A woman’s voice projects from the room and converses with Bates. He threatens to carry her out of her room and he does. False alarm guys, Norman Bates is only moderately insane..

01:28:33 Lila and Boy Toy construct a plan: they will go to the Bates Motel and register as husband and wife to investigate on their own.

01:29:44 They meet Norman and receive a room. Busy week for the Bates Motel! They must be getting some good reviews on Trip Advisor!

01:31:05 Bates gave the couple Room #10. Unless he has other peep holes, Bates subconsciously admits that he’s not all that interested in Marion’s sister. Lila is insulted! But not really.

01:32:48 Lila and Boy Toy sneak into Room #1 while Bates is AWOL. They search the place high and low but, gosh darn it, that Norman Bates is one hell of a maid!

01:33:54 Lila finds a shard of paper that Marion shredded. It is the decisive shard as well; it has most of the ‘$40,000’ figure written on it. What a find!

01:34:52 Mama Bates fires Norman from maid duties.

01:35:09 Boy Toy finds Norman in his office and distracts him while Lila climbs up to the house.

01:36:02 Lila finds the front door left opened and she enters.

01:36:31 Boy Toy does some seducing on Norman Bates to keep his attention away from the intruder. Be careful, Boy Toy, I hear Norman is into some kinky stuff.

01:37:26 Lila invades Mama Bates’ bedroom. She notices the natural imprint of a sleeping body in the mattress.

01:38:58 Lila investigates further. She enters the adjacent room and finds a much smaller cot and a bunch of stuffed animals.

01:39:41 Awww fuck. I just figured it all out. Fuckkkkkk.

01:40:02 Boy Toy drops the buzz word “40 grand” and Norman freaks. He takes a heavy object and knocks Boy Toy out cold.

01:40:49 Lila hides and Norman rushes back into the house. She sneaks down into the cellar and finds a woman sitting in the corner.

01:41:09 “Mrs. Bates?” Lila approaches, “Mrs. Bates?” She touches the woman’s shoulder and spins her around. Mama Bates’ eye sockets are empty and she’s been motherfucking taxidermied. What the fucking fuck, Norman!?

01:41:25 Lila screams and turns around. Norman Bates is in the doorway dressed as his mother with his butcher’s knife held high.

01:41:32 Mrs. Norman Bates charges but he is restrained by SUPERMAN BOY TOY. Whatta hero!

01:42:05 Lila and Boy Toy end up in the police station. A psychiatrist is interrogating Bates. No more than 20 seconds pass and the psychiatrist bursts through the door like he’s goddamn Kramer. “Oh I’ve got the story alright!” the psychiatrist brags. He pauses and glares around the room for dramatic effect. Okay, dude, you’re a psychiatrist. Stop trying to withhold information like a teenager with juicy new gossip.

01:42:10 “And I got it….” sigh, “from his mother!” Dun dun dunnnnn. Oh wait. We already knew about that. That’s totally yesterday’s news, man. Go back over to the nerdddsss table.

01:42:32 “See,” the psychiatrist continues, “his mother no longer exists. She only half exists within him. But now, the other half has taken over…” pauses again, “probably for all time.” When did fucking Socrates show up to the party?

01:42:40 “Did he kill my sister?” asks Lila.

01:42:42 “Yes…” the psychiatrist finally gives a straight answer… “and no!” Le sigh. We were so close.

01:43:03 Confusion. Lila speaks. “But then my sister is…”

01:43:05 “Yup, dead.” Wow, thanks for beating us around the bush, Plato.

01:43:44 Okay, I’m done with this guy. He’s doing a monologue like he battled fucking dragons and a swarm of zombies to speak to Norman Bates. He continues on to tell us that Norman killed both his mother and his step father and probably killed many other motel residents. But he does it in the most asshole way imaginable.

01:45:05 Come on, man. We’re at the hour forty-five mark. Stop stretching this ‘Norman Bates isn’t a real boy’ conclusion out for five fucking minutes.

01:45:21 “…so he assumed that she was jealous of him. Therefore, a strong attraction to another woman would cause the mother side of him to go wild….” Lila falls asleep and Boy Toy finds a new woman to cheat on his wife with.

01:45:33 “… when he met your sister, he was touched by her, aroused by her. That’s what set off the jealous mother and the mother kills the girl…” the police officers solve 16 additional cold cases in the time of this asshole’s undeserved monologue.

01:45:40 “… and like a dutiful son, he cleaned up the crime that he was convinced his mother convicted…” When this monologue started this movie was a silent talkie.

01:46:14 “… but he was doing everything he could to keep the illusion of his mother being alive…” When this monologue started, the Romans occupied all twelve rooms of the Bates Motel.

01:46:31 “… he’d walk around the house, sit in her chair, speak in her voice…” When this monologue started, Mrs. Bates actually existed.

01:46:52 “… and that’s what I meant when I said I got the story from his mother.” Holy cow, are you finally finished!?

01:46:47 “…..” asshole stares around the room at the bored-to-death people in the room. “See, when the mind believes…” fuckkkkkkk!

01:47:04 “What about the $40,000?” someone finally asks. “Oh it’s lost in the swamp.” Alright, that’s all we need to know. Let’s wrap up the movi…

01:47:07 “… see, Mrs. Bates is about passion, not profit…” I’m pretty sure Norman Bates could have been tried in front of a jury in the time this asshole monologued.

01:48:01 Marion’s car is fished out of the swamp and that nice old Cowboy gets to buy his $40,000 home! All’s well that ends well!

End

That’s a wrap on Psycho. Norman Bates could be a sick crossover film with Michael Myers. Or he can even soothsay for Jason Voorhees. Can we build the slasher Avengers?

Basically if Marion doesn’t rob the client then have a complete breakdown of her common sense, this movie doesn’t happen.

Worse, Marion could have saved me from the psychiatrists monologue. That was rather selfish of you, Marion.

Sources

• Psycho. Dir. Alfred Hitchcock. Perf. Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh. Shamley Productions, 1960.
• Cover Image

Halloween

00:00:00 What would Halloween be without watching Michael Myers force his family to love him? We’re writing about the original Halloween, the movie that Friday the 13th admittedly ripped off; oh and also spawned about ten sequels and two Rob Zombie remakes.

Halloween is John Carpenter’s masterpiece. I just wrote up Scream the other day and it’s director, Wes Craven, takes one too many shots at the king. Sure, he made a lot of shitty films after the fact but the man invented the slasher horror genre and introduced us to the Scream Queen herself, Jamie Lee Curtis.

So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Halloween on Halloween!

00:00:57 We’re staring at a poorly carved pumpkin as the infamous Halloween music plays. “Introducing Jamie Lee Curtis.” GET HYPED!

00:02:23 Cue card reads Haddonfield, Illinois. Halloween Night, 1963.

00:03:05 We get some first-person camera-angle action while approaching a house. We look through the side window and watch a couple make out. They leave the room and continue the action upstairs in the bedroom.

00:04:20 We enter the back door and grab a butcher’s knife from the kitchen drawer. Hopefully this isn’t a Mrs. Voorhees fake-out again? I was super disappointed, in Friday the 13th, when I found that our first person bad assery wasn’t because we were Jason. We were goddamn Betsy Palmer. Such bullshit.

00:04:35 Also, Friday the 13th directly ripped off Halloween’s opening sequence. Were there any legal suits filed after that was released?

00:05:42 The boyfriend leaves the house. Guess he gets business done quick? We put on a mask and sneak behind our half naked sister.

00:05:50 We stab our half naked sister.

00:06:25 We exit the house and approach our parents who just pulled up in their car. Father pulls the mask off our face and the camera spins around to show us, in full clown costume holding a bloody butcher’s knife.

00:06:30 Is it safe to say Stephen King was influenced from this image alone?

00:06:36 Oh and by the way, it’s confirmed. I can finally say it! WE ARE MICHAEL FUCKING MYERS!

We’ve been discovered! Flee!!

00:07:09 Smith’s Grove, Illinois. October 30th, 1978.

00:08:01 A nurse drives Dr. Sam Loomis through the rain. They are heading to the asylum. She’s nervous. Being a nurse and it being 1978, she’s obviously smoking cigarettes.

00:08:30 Loomis briefs the nurse on his client. He hasn’t spoken in 15 years and he needs to be heavily sedated.

00:08:47 “You’re serious about it, aren’t you,” the nurse pokes, “you never want him to get out?”

“Never,” Loomis replies, “never, ever.” Never ever ever??

00:09:38 The car pulls up to the hospital and a number of patients are wandering around outside in the rain. Loomis goes to check with the guard and one of the patients climbs on top of the vehicle and grabs the nurse’s hair. Maybe he just wants to bum a cigarette.

00:11:01 For some reason, the nurse dives from the car and into a ditch. The patient steals the vehicle and drives away. A successful heist!

00:11:05 Loomis panics.

00:11:07 Michael Myers is free.

00:11:11 Haddonfield. Halloween.

00:12:28 Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie Strode, walks through her peaceful suburban neighborhood on her way to high school. She runs into the child she’s supposed to baby sit tonight (Tommy) and they chit chat all buddy buddy. What a beautiful town! Nothing can go wrong today!

00:14:20 Curtis detours at a run down house and drops off a set of keys. Her parents are realtors and they’re selling the old Myers’ house. After she turns, a figure appears and watches her walk away. Michael is totally checking Jamie Lee out.

All hail the Scream Queen

00:14:45 Dr. Loomis screams at the inept asylum warden. No client of Loomis escapes under his watch! He exclaims that Haddonfield is in danger. “I know exactly where he’s going.”

“Oh yeah?” the inept warden teases, “Come on, Doc. He doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“Well he drove pretty well last night!” Loomis gets in his car, “someone must have been giving him lessons.” Loomis pulls out of a handicap spot in which he was double parked in.

00:15:44 Curtis is super bored in class so she stares out the window. A head watches her from behind a parked car across the street. She returns her attention to class but when she gazes back out towards the suspicious figure, him and the car are gone. Dun dun dunnnn.

00:16:35 Jerk kids tease Tommy at school. They trip him and he falls and smashes his pumpkin. Awwwww.

00:17:41 Michael Myers witnesses all of this. He scares off the bullies and stalks slowly behind Tommy while he walks home. What a good guy that Michael is! Always looking out for people’s safety. Maybe we should nominate Mr. Myers for neighborhood watch!

00:20:24 Jamie Lee Curtis and her two gal pals walk home from school. Curtis turns around and notices that the car from earlier is following them. The figure stares at them as he passes but then accelerates ahead. “Hey! Speed kills!” shouts one of Curtis’ friends.

The car abruptly stops. The group stares and, after a minute, the vehicle speeds off.

00:24:12 Curtis begins seeing the strange figure sneaking peaks at her while walking home. Michael totally has a little crush.

Sup.

00:26:27 She finally returns home and witnesses the masked figure staring at her through her window.

00:27:27 The phone rings. Jamie Lee Curtis answers. “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Nah just kidding. Nobody answers her hellos and she hangs up.

00:29:05 Jamie Lee gets ready for her babysitting adventure. Her friend picks her up. I’d give her friend a real name but I honestly don’t know the character’s name or the actress who plays her. We’ll call her Brown Eyed Girl. You’re welcome, Van Morrison.

00:30:27 Loomis arrives in Haddonfield. Surprisingly he only caused two highway pile ups! He has an undertaker lead him to Myers’ parent’s tombstone. The undertaker attempts to lecture him on the history of Michael Myers like it’s some tourist attraction but Loomis tells him to shut up, bitch.

00:30:45 Loomis finds the tombstone unearthed and missing. “Michael’s home.” You’re goddamn right he is!

00:31:14 Brown Eyed Girl and Jamie Lee smoke some weed while driving and listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Michael Myers’ car pulls around the intersection and tailgates them. This guy is freaking everywhere. He’s taking his responsibility as neighborhood watch seriously.

00:33:45 Brown Eyed Girl teases Curtis that she should ask somebody to the Halloween dance. I’m sure Michael would be interested. Maybe he’s just trying to find the perfect time to ask Curtis. So cute. He should hold a boom box over his head Say Anything…-style and have his theme music blasting through the subs. How could she say no!

00:35:30 It’s dark and Brown Eyed Girl finally reaches their destination. Somehow the mysterious car followed them the whole time without anyone checking the rear view mirror. Curtis gets out of the car and Brown Eyed Girl pulls into the house across the street. Apparently she is babysitting for a neighboring child but Jamie Lee and Brown Eyed Girl failed to plan a joint babysitting operation.

00:37:24 Loomis and a local sheriff inspect the old Myers’ home. Loomis tells the sheriff his experience with Michael. He met him when he was six years old and was his doctor for eight more. “What I saw behind those eyes were pure evil.”

“What do we do?” the sheriff offers. Seriously? A medical doctor says he saw pure evil and that’s evidence enough that this is a serious threat? I mean, good instincts because you are totally right. But typically I think you should take the claim of ‘pure evil’ with a grain of salt when it comes to interpreting the law.

00:39:34 Loomis decides that he will stay in the Myers house as he believes Michael will return home. Your call, dude.

Doc Loomis

00:41:40 Brown Eyed Girl calls Curtis and gossips about a potential date she just nabbed. Don’t taunt Michael, Moondance.

00:42:53 Brown Eyed Girl pours coffee all over herself and decides that the appropriate action is to strip completely naked. Michael watches from the outside window but gets too embarrassed and rushes off.

00:45:32 Tommy says that he is afraid of the boogeyman. See, John Carpenter, you saved the horror genre! No more lame, old boogeyman. Now we even have cult slashers!

00:46:41 Apparently Brown Eyed Girl’s laundry machine is outside in a completely different building from the house. She goes outside and Michael locks her in the laundry outhouse.

00:48:17 The girl she is babysitting finally gets up from the couch and frees her babysitter. Brown Eyed Girl receives a call from her boyfriend who says that his parents are gone and they should totally hook up. Brown Eyed Girl drops her child off with Curtis. Jerk move, Caravan.

00:51:48 Neighborhood Watch Commander Michael will make you pay for your sins of horniness!

00:53:45 Brown Eyed Girl hops into her car and realizes that the windows are all fogged up. Michael springs from the back seat and stabs Brown Eyed Girl to death. You get ‘em, Captain Myers!

00:56:18 Tommy glances across the street and sees Michael carrying Brown Eyed Girl into the house. Wow, way to be discreet, Mike.

00:58:08 Loomis creepily stalks behind the bushes at Michael’s house. I thought when he said he’ll wait for Michael and all, he’d wait inside or even in his car. But hiding in the bushes is so much weirder, dude. Some punk kids show up and dare each other to knock on Old Man Myers’ door.

“Hey, kid,” Loomis distorts his voice, “get your ass away from there.” He giggles as the kids scatter. Come on, Looms. You’re a grown-ass man.

00:58:25 The sheriff returns and questions Loomis’ legitimacy. Apparently ‘pure evil’ doesn’t check out with the Police Captain. “Death has come to your town,” tries Loomis. ‘Man, that sure sounds spooky!’ says Sheriff No-Brains, ‘You have my attention, Doc!’

01:00:25 Jamie Lee’s other best friend shows up at crime scene numero uno. Her and her boyfriend start hooking up as Michael watches from the other room. Be safe, kids! And always wear a condom! Thanks Mike! Whatta guy!

01:03:01 Other best friend (we’ll call her Sheryl Crow. I don’t even have a reason) has sex with her boyfriend in the bed of the family Brown Eyed Girl was babysitting. That’s totally weird and I think qualifies for neighborhood watch intervention.

01:03:11 Oh hey Michael! This guy is never too far away from a neighborhood-related incident.

01:04:29 The boyfriend heads down to the kitchen for some food. Michael jumps out of the kitchen cabinet and holds the teen up by his throat. “Halt,” the imaginary-Michael-Myers-in-my-head says, “you have violated the sanctity of this home. You must now vacate the premises….” Real-Michael Myers just stabs him with his butcher’s knife and lets him hang from it for a while. Ummm I guess the punishment fits the crime? We may need to bring this case up at the next PTA meeting, Mike.

Dishing out discipline, Michael Myers style.

01:06:19 Sheryl Crow is laying in bed when Michael opens the bedroom door cloaked in a ghost-like sheet and her (ex-)boyfriend’s glasses. 10 points for creativity, Michael!

01:07:11 Topless Sheryl Crow has an awkward one-way conversation with her not-boyfriend. To break off the awkwardness, she calls Jamie Lee Curtis. Michael chooses to make his move, strangling Crow with the telephone cord. Curtis, though, just assumes it’s her sex noises and laughs it off.

01:08:49 Curtis redials the house but nobody answers. Ghost Face Killah would have punched a goddamn wall.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong? Just come back to bed.”

01:09:19 Meanwhile, back with Loomis dicking around behind the bushes….

01:10:01 He turns around, like literally turns around and recognizes the car Michael stole from him the night before. How long have you been standing facing the bushes, Looms, and not noticed your damn vehicle 50 feet away. You’ve been here for hours!

01:11:05 Jamie Lee Curtis walks over to the neighboring house to investigate on her friends. I think she’s secretly worried they’re throwing a house party and she wasn’t invited. Teenagers, man.

01:12:57 She wanders around back and notices the door ajar. She enters.

01:13:45 She adventures around the dark house, for some reason refusing to turn any lights on during her investigation. She cautiously ascends the stair case.

01:15:14 Curtis notices a light escaping from underneath the bed room door. She wades in and finds Brown Eyed Girl sprawled out atop the bed with Judith Myers’, Michael’s mother, tombstone balanced on the head board.

01:15:45 The Scream Queen screams.

01:15:57 Jamie Lee also finds the boyfriend’s and still half-naked Sheryl Crow’s bodies hanging out in the room.

01:16:05 Don’t panic, Curtis. I think Michael is just asking you to the Halloween Ball!

01:16:49 Michael appears behind her and attempts a stab but misses and cuts her arm. Curtis runs. Okay, maybe Michael isn’t that interested in you after all. And maybe we need to have a committee hearing on his future neighborhood watch duties.

01:18:15 Curtis escapes the house and screams for help. She runs around, knocking on neighboring doors. Wow, this is a pretty lame town to trick or treat in.

01:19:16 Curtis returns to Tommy’s house. It’s locked but he lets her in. Somehow Michael climbs through a window.

01:20:31 His attempt to stab her backfires when she counterattacks with a sewing needle to the neck. Michael passes out and Curtis confiscates his butcher’s knife. JAMIE LEE’S GOT THE UPPER HAND!

01:21:52 Assuming him for dead, Jamie Lee leaves Michael passed out in the living room to check on the kids. This obviously backfires and Myers stands behind her within 30 seconds.

01:23:57 She hides in a closet and Michael tries to break in with his knife. Wait, did Jamie Lee leave his knife with him too? You had the upper hand, Curtis! Come on!

01:24:52 Anyway, Michael busts through the door guns blazing but instantly drops his butcher’s knife. Jamie Lee picks it up and stabs him.

01:25:47 Jamie Lee again ditches Michael to talk to the kids. Michael rises again in like 15 fucking seconds.

01:25:57 The kids run out of the house screaming, Scream Prince and Princess, and Loomis happens to be walking by.

01:26:14 Michael sneaks up on Jamie Lee again, who somehow isn’t giving her potential killer a lick of attention, and begins strangling her.

01:26:42 Loomis comes rushing up the staircase just in time to see Michael’s mask get torn off by a struggling Curtis. Michael attempts to reapply his mask when Loomis shoots him point blank. Target confirmed.

01:27:00 Oh and he shoots him another seven times until Michael is blown off the balcony. “Just what the doctor prescribed,” airs out super-bad-ass-yet-imagined-in-my-head Loomis.

01:27:18 “Was that the boogeyman?” Curtis whimpers. Don’t insult the king!

01:27:49 Loomis looks out over the balcony but Michael’s body has disappeared. Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

Oh my god, there’s more?!

END CREDITS

That’s a wrap on Halloween! The Michael Myers is introduced as more man than myth in his debut. His sequels don’t capture this side as much. Michael becomes something closer to a monster than originally intended.

Anyway, we learned that Michael Myers could be a kick ass neighborhood watchman if it weren’t for all his vendettas and, well, stabbing. Van Morrison fan girl is probably movie history’s worst babysitter and Jamie Lee Curtis now probably has to show up to tomorrow’s Halloween Ball alone. Bummer.

Sources

• Halloween. Dir. John Carpenter. Perf. Donald Preasence, Jamie Lee Curtis. Compass International Pictures, 1978.
• Cover Image

The Cabin in the Woods

00:00:00 Have you ever dreamed of a horror movie that contained all your classic villains, creatures and cliches without that film paying anything for the intellectual properties? Welcome to The Cabin in the Woods.

I’ll admit it, Cabin in the Woods may be my favorite horror movie. I realize that it shouldn’t technically qualify as horror and that many people hate this movie. But Cabin in the Woods was never constructed to be scary. It suffered from a bad marketing campaign and audiences arrived at theaters expecting some type of generic slasher Jason Voorhees-knock off.

Instead you probably left the cinema’s having laughed more than screamed. That’s perfectly fine! It’s a genre film about it’s genre. A love poem to all that is horror.

Written by Buffy the Vampire Slayer geniuses Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard, Cabin in the Woods is a brilliant piece of meta.

Are y’all tired of my lauding yet? Good. Horror Holiday presents Cabin in the Woods!

00:01:12 The movie opens with Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford chatting in a typical work-environment break room about fertility issues. I would watch a whole two hour movie starring Whitford and Jenkins talking in a break room.

00:01:56 Amy Acker approaches the guys, decked out in science lab clothing. She tells them that Stockholm, “went south”. I don’t know, Amy, I actually think it’s pretty north.

00:02:08 She informs Jenkins and Whitford that only Japan and us are left. Are we supposed to call them up to battle royale for global supremacy? Or, like, throw a party because we are the last ones left! Wooo! We did it, guys!

00:02:20 Jenkins and Whitford jump onto a golf cart and drive through corridors. Jenkins fumbles with his break room coffee while Whitford drives the cart with two hands. They continue their fertility conversation and discuss hanging out with beer and power tools. Can I, like, intern for you guys or something?

Dream team

00:03:06 Dana, played by Kristen Connolly, packs in her room, pantless, in front of open windows. I’m so glad we are past Scream and actually have self-aware characters now…..

00:03:39 Her best friend Jules, portrayed by Anna Hutchison, sneaks into the room behind her. Dana freaks out because Jules has dyed her hair blonde. THIS IS A BIG DEAL GUYS! Going blonde is a big commitment!

00:04:36 Jules mocks Dana for being a nerd and wanting to bring textbooks on their drunken cabin escapades. Chris Hemsworth (you fucking heard me) tip toes behind them and throws a football out the window. Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy receives the pass about three stories down. What a connection! Coach! Get some scholarships over here!

00:05:14 Chris Hemsworth and Jules reenact the, “I learned it from watching you,” anti-drug PSA but instead of drugs, it’s textbooks. How can you not love this?!

00:05:41 Dana finally realizes that she is not wearing pants in front of her best friend’s boyfriend. Hanging out in no pants must just be casual wednesday.

00:05:49 Williams and Hemsworth load the camper as their final companion, Marty, rolls up in his car while smoking a giant bong out of his lap. Nice.

00:06:29 Marty reasons that the cops won’t pull over a man with a giant bong in his car. Don’t try this, kids.

00:06:42 Marty also locks his car with the windows wide open. Don’t do this either, kids.

00:06:56 Finally, Marty compresses his giant bong into a travel-sized coffee mug. Yes, you may do this, kids.

00:07:20 As the camper pulls away from Dana’s house, the camera pans up to find NINJA SECRET AGENT hanging out on the roof. He informs his radio that everything is a go.

00:08:15 Marty monologues about society crumbling and everyone being watched all while rolling up about twelve joints. I’m pretty sure I knew a few Marty’s in college.

00:08:22 “Society needs to crumble,” Marty wraps up, “we’re all just too chicken-shit to let it.”

00:08:31 Awwww man! An intern military guard verifies Jenkins and Whitford for entrance to the control room. I could have totally done that!

00:09:12 Intern Truman reports that he’s been briefed on the mission. He leaves Whitford and Jenkins to do their work on some massive control room screens. And soooo many buttons!

00:09:55 The camper arrives at a vacant-looking gas station. Chris Hemsworth is still holding a football just in case you didn’t believe Thor was jock enough.

00:10:45 A creepy old man appears from within the convenience store. He warns them about the ol’ Buckner cabin; tells them that he owns that property’s lawn and Y’ALL BEST STAY OFF NOW YA HEAR??

00:11:41 Old man and the kids sash each other. Old man calls newly-blonde Jules a whore and they part ways. Oh the wonders of meeting new friends!

00:13:50 The gang arrives and oh look! It’s an exact replica of the Evil Dead cabin! Listen, Jamie Kennedy doesn’t know shit about guidelines to avoid being in a horror movie. Virginity, drinking, “I’ll be right back,” nah nah nah. Rule number fucking one: if your brand new cabin looks exactly like the Evil Dead cabin, you do not go in that cabin. You get back in what ever means of transportation you arrived in: car, camper, bicycle, fucking horseback and you find a different goddamn cabin. I mean, it’s basically on par with, ‘never read the fucking latin.’ YOU JUST DON’T DO IT!

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

00:15:44 Jesse Williams is creeped out by a painting in his bedroom depicting men slaughtering a goat. He takes the painting down to reveal a one-way mirror into Dana’s room. On basic instinct, I guess, Dana begins undressing. Because fuck clothes, right? She already spent three hours or so clothed in the camper. Can’t take it any longer! Jesse Williams internally struggles: watch or alert Dana. He decides to alert Dana and the others come check out the mirror.

00:18:12 If Evil Dead cabin is now giving you strange clues that this cabin may not be your generic cabin, you should leave.

Oh hey

00:18:57 We return to Jenkins and Whitford who are watching from a dozen of camera feeds throughout the cabin. Amy Acker informs the Dream Team that the chem department drugged Jules’ hair dye to seep into her brain and make her dumber. Is that how dumb blonde works?

00:22:19 The control room becomes crowded and Jenkins stands above his audience collecting bets. He takes Whitford’s bet and teases him, calling him ‘aquaman,’ but Whitford doesn’t find it too funny.

00:22:50 Oh what! There are more interns!? Is there a whole department? I have to find an application website or something. Anyway, the intern places the same exact bet as maintenance. Awkward.

00:23:42 Truman asks about the betting and what is going on. So much for being briefed. Whitford and Jenkins explain how the kids must be punished, how it is all just part of the game. “If they don’t go down into the basement, they don’t progress and they live.” Do I even have to state the rule against going down into Evil Dead’s basement?

00:25:39 The gang get drunk and play truth or dare. Marty dares Jules to make out with the moose hanging on the wall but instead points to a wolf. Did they give the hair dye to the wrong person? Maybe he’s just super high.

00:26:58 Jules over-sexually makes out with the dead wolf’s head and automatically answers my previous question.

Watch your back, Hemsworth.

00:28:03 During Dana’s turn, the cellar door flies open. Hemsworth dares her to go check it out and break every one of the previously mentioned horror rules.

00:29:04 The gang heads down together and discover a cellar full of creepy portraits, mirrors, wedding dresses, conches, film reels, music boxes, basically any frightening item you can imagine finding in a bad, no good, Evil Dead basement.

DON’T. TOUCH. ANYTHING.

00:30:14 The gang play with their new toys, obviously. Dana begins to read an old journal aloud.

00:31:00 The gang gathers. The diary belongs to a child named Patience. Patience is basically the offspring of Texas Chainsaw and the grown-up girl from the Exorcist who was then raised in the Evil Dead cabin while being disciplined with hack saws and butcher knives. Essentially the disturbed journal is a page-turner.

00:32:05 Dana pauses. “And then there’s something in latin.”

00:32:06 “Dana, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand,” Marty cautions, “don’t read the fucking latin.”

00:32:14 Dana begins reading the latin because of course she fucking does.

00:32:25 A hand rises through the ground, deep within the woods. The dead have been reanimated. And it’s a fucking family of five.

00:33:17 Maintenance and the intern win the work betting pool for Zombie Redneck Torture Family! Wooo!

00:34:14 Whitford is upset. Jenkins waddles up to comfort his disappointed partner. See, every year Whitford places a bet for this murderous amphibian creature called The Merman but every year he loses. He wants, just once, to see a Merman. Just one time.

00:34:40 We check out one of the smaller TV screens labeled, “Japan,” where the girl from The Ring is wrecking havoc on some elementary children. Is this how the last two countries left in the world educate our children?

The betting board!

00:35:04 We’re back at the cabin and Jules has gone full-on dumb blonde. Good work, chem department. She dances extremely sexually in front of the fire place and everyone is super uncomfortable.

00:36:54 Hemsworth takes Jules out to bone her in the woods. Bedroom’s are too mainstream.

00:37:18 Marty questions Dana on some of the oddities going on amongst their friends. Jules typically isn’t slutty and Hemsworth doesn’t act like a complete air-head jock. “He’s a sociology major,” Marty reasons, “he’s on full academic scholarship.”

00:37:38 Marty believes that the cabin is making them puppets. Dana just tells him that he’s really high. He chooses to go read a book with pictures instead.

00:42:16 Jules and Hemsworth wander around the woods looking for a place to have sex. They are making out on the ground when one of the Zombie Rednecks decide a menage a trois would be better. It stabs Jules’ hand and Hemsworth tackles him. More arrive though, with rather impressive and original weapons. One of them has a bear trap. A fucking bear trap!

00:43:06 Hemsworth is restrained as two of Zombie Rednecks handle a giant crosscut saw and cut off Jules’ head.

00:44:03 Back in the control room a prayer is read. Jenkins reaches for a golden lever and blood trickles down from a fountain to fill in the gaps of a stone carving.

00:46:15 Marty goes outside to take a leak. As he does his business, a one-armed young female member of the Zombie Rednecks approaches behind him. Her name is Patience.

00:46:41 Hemsworth charges out of the woods and completely levels Patience. “Dumb bitch!” he yells at her. Poor Patience.

00:46:50 Everyone asks Hemsworth what is happening. “Where’s Jules?” Dana opens the cabin door and is greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He hands her a head. There’s Jules!

00:48:32 The gang chooses to split up, Scooby-Doo style. They barricade themselves in their respective rooms and the control room locks them in.

00:49:14 Marty breaks a vase. He notices a tiny camera and traces the wire all the way through his room. The control room freaks out but notices Grandpa Zombie Redneck approaching Marty’s window.

00:50:18 Grandpa rips Marty out of the cabin window but Marty whips out his coffee mug bong and smacks Grandpa. Fuck yeah!

00:50:46 Grandpa Zombie Redneck is unfazed. He stabs Marty and drags him into the woods. Jenkins pulls another golden lever and more blood is leaked out of the fountain.

00:51:49 One of the big happy Zombie Redneck family members tries to bust into Dana’s room but Jesse Williams breaks the one way mirror and saves her.

Boo!

00:52:45 They return to the basement because why the fuck not and find all the weapons that gave Zombie Redneck Torture Family their namesake.

00:53:03 As they look for a way out, a bear trap latches onto Jesse Williams and drags him upwards. Bear traps are terrifying, man! Dana rescues Williams though by piercing the Zombie Redneck in the face a few times with an ice pick.

00:54:41 Hemsworth finds them in the basement and leads them out the cellar door. They jump in the camper and drive away a slight 40 minutes past due.

00:55:07 We return to Japan, one of the remaining countries in the world. The little school children have defeated Miss Ring and transformed her into the frog. Jenkins stares at the screen and issues the children a message.

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you!”

So many lessons learned in so few words.

00:57:30 Amy Acker flashes onto one of the screens. Japan’s perfect record has been squandered and zero fatalities, at that. Jenkins questions her department about Marty’s weed, which should have been laced to make him completely inebriated. “How did he almost make it out of there?”

00:58:04 Whitford notices the camper fly by on one of the cameras. He checks another and realizes that the tunnel, the wood’s only exit, has not caved in as scheduled.

00:58:34 Jenkins sprints out of the control room and down hallways. He bursts into the electronics room and splices some wires. The camper is halfway through the tunnel when it finally detonates. Hemsworth throws the RV into reverse and they narrowly avoid being crushed.

00:59:13 There is a 20 foot canyon between where they stand and road on the other side of the tunnel. Hemsworth conveniently brought his fucking dirt bike. “I’m going to jump it.” Okay…

Go get ’em, Thor!

00:59:34 Hemsworth promises to return with, “police, helicopters and fucking tanks and we are going to kill those things that killed Jules.” That may be a tad overkill, Thor.

00:59:45 Hemsworth revs his engine and begins his run up towards the gap. He launches and has a good take off. It looks like he could make itttttt …. until he hits an invisible barrier and Hemsworth crashs down into the canyon’s abyss.

01:00:00 Soooo about that overkill statement… Scratch that. I think you’re going to need some divine intervention to get out of here.

01:01:20 Jesse Williams and Dana return to the RV. Williams says that they will drive until they can’t drive anymore. Jesse Williams is then stabbed through his neck by a hidden Zombie Redneck and the camper crashes into the lake. I mean, Jesse wasn’t wrong in his claim.

01:02:27 Dana escapes the sinking RV and swims to the surface. From within the control room, Whitford and Jenkins celebrate with beers.

01:02:35 “Why are you celebrating? There’s still one left,” Truman asks. “The virgin’s death is optional,” explains Whitford, “as long as she suffers, the ritual is complete.”

01:03:35 Dana crawls up to the dock and is instantly greeted by Papa Zombie Redneck. He strangles and tortures her while the entire company parties in the control room.

01:04:50 Jenkins teases the electrical department about their tunnel cave-in malfunction. They inform him that it wasn’t their fault, that there was a power failure upstairs. “What do you mean upstairs?” Jenkins questions.

01:05:05 The red phone rings. The party stops. Jenkins and Whitford exchange worried looks. Whitford finally answers and is hushed.

….

“That’s impossible, everything was done within the guidelines,” Whitford explains.

……..

“No, the virgin is the final one I….”

………..

“Which one?”

01:05:53 Daddy Zombie Redneck continues to toy with Dana on the dock. He swings his bear trap high above his head for a death blow but it’s swing is disrupted by an object: a coffee mug shaped bong.

01:06:34 Marty whacks Daddy Zombie Redneck into the lake and him and Dana run back towards the cabin.

01:07:05 Marty leads her into one of the zombie’s graves. Six feet under are wires and steel. Marty tells her that he’s figured it out, that there is an elevator below their feet. He splices some wires and the top of the elevator opens. They enter.

Death by travel-coffe mug bong!

01:09:01 The elevator descends and stops. It begins moving sideways. The doors of the elevator are glass windows. It halts.

01:09:53 A werewolf jumps at their window and they move laterally again. They stop. A ghost mocks them.

01:10:13 They descend once again and Marty witnesses a ballerina with a face full of jagged teeth. Dana gazes at a Hellraiser knockoff.

01:11:22 “The cellar,” Dana fights back tears, “all that shit we played with. They made us choose. They made us choose how we died.” She begins screaming at Hellraiser. Hellraiser is pleased by the attention. The camera pans out and we see a rubik’s cube of monsters stuck in their elevator prisons. Dana and Marty’s is merely one in a thousand.

01:12:04 Now this is where Cabin in the Woods earns it’s cool points. All of these monsters and aliens and creatures of horror in one place. It’s a classic-horror fan’s wet dream.

01:12:11 The control room completely panics. They’ve lost track of their victims. “Where the fuck are they?” Jenkins screams over a radio. “Do not touch the girl. You must kill the fool first or this whole thing goes to hell,” Whitford states.

The boss is pissed

01:12:20 So yeahhhh, I apologize if this diary log hasn’t made much sense so far. The movie builds to it but it’s difficult to explain during it’s course. Essentially, once per year, each country is responsible for conducting a ritual to the Gods. Think Greek mythology and all that. This scenario is basically if Zeus had a serious horror snuff film fetish (also, Zeus probably has a serious horror snuff film fetish).

At least one of the rituals must be successful to keep the Gods from rising beneath the Earth and raging hell on humanity. The countries base their rituals on their horror stereotypes. Japan has The Ring and The Grudge influences, Spain has government conspiracy theory-related horror and us Americans just want to see zombies kill some teenagers.

Which brings me to my next point: the virgin. Dana is the virgin except she is not a virgin. In the beginning of the film, Jules mentions her past affair with a professor. Anyway, the other stereotypes are also present. Jules, the blonde slut. Chris Hemsworth, the dumb jock. Jesse Williams, the nerrrddddd. And Marty, the fool.

The characters, other than Marty, have not acted like themselves this whole movie. That’s because they’ve been drugged. They all act like their given stereotypes. Marty, though, is immune because the chem department fucked up. They did lace his weed but Marty had a secret stash that he was using this weekend. Marty, while super high, was our most sober protagonist.

01:12:26 Truman scans the television monitors and spots Dana and Marty in their elevator cube. “Bring them downstairs,” Jenkins demands.

01:13:12 Dana and Marty cautiously exit the elevator to find twelve others in an elevator lobby. A voice speaks to them over the loud speaker telling them the story of the Gods. SWAT teams approach from all directions.

01:14:37 Dana and Marty hide in the elevator control room. The SWAT team shoots at the bulletproof glass. Dana finds a red button labeled System Purge. And presses it. Fuck yeah!

01:15:14 Now let me pause briefly to inform you that I cannot put into words the awesomeness that follows. I will try but I will fail. Nothing can replace the epicness of this elevator sequence.

01:15:15 A buzzer sounds and the SWAT team halts. They look around as the sound of twelve descending elevators grow louder. One of them puts his gun down. “Aw shit.” The lights above the elevators ding on.

01:15:30 Twelve of the most pissed off horror monsters bolt out of the elevator doors and brutally, gruesomely rip each SWAT member into pieces.

No caption necessary.

01:16:01 A second SWAT team approaches and is greeted by an elevator lobby drenched in dripping blood and intestines. The elevator lights flash on again. Ding!

01:16:10 Everybody fucking dies in the worst way imaginable. That’s the best way I can explain this scene.

Andddd after.

01:16:19 The elevator continues to purge it’s residents. Hellraiser! Angry Molesting Tree! Zombies!

01:16:25 A ghost!

01:16:30 A Basilisk!

01:16:35 The Strangers!

01:16:40 It!

01:17:11 Truman locks down the control room. Whitford and Jenkins attempt to troubleshoot as Amy Acker stands petrified.

01:17:50 A giant vampire bat breaks through Dana and Marty’s bulletproof window and they run. They sneak past death and destruction into a hole in an adjacent wall.

01:18:20 A werewolf bites an employee’s head off!

01:18:29 It! rips an interns heart out! Damn, I dodged a bullet with this company.

01:18:40 A fucking Unicorn rams it’s fucking uni-corn into a man’s chest.

01:18:47 And finally, Patience, daughter of Daddy Zombie Redneck Torture Family, is the last to arrive in her elevator. Awwwww!

01:19:07 Cannibalistic Scarecrows breach the control room and begin eating Truman. He pulls one of his grenades and blows himself up but incidentally propels Whitford across the room. Broken and injured, Whitford gazes into the smoke. Kerplop, kerplop. Whitford narrows his eyes and looks closer. Kerplop, kerplop. The Merman has arrived.

01:20:05 “Oh come on,” Whitford utters before his wonderful Merman bites into his face and rockets blood out of his blowhole.

01:20:11 Jenkins finally hacks through the escape hatch system and jumps down. Amy Acker is a second too late as an octopus tentacle rips through the ceiling and takes her.

01:20:35 Jenkins runs down the secret tunnels but is stabbed by a surprised Dana.

01:21:21 He leans against a wall and bleeds out. But before he dies, Jenkins begs Dana to, “kill Marty.”

01:21:47 Dana and Marty descend to the ritual room where all the fountain’s blood has been filling massive stone carvings of the Jock, the Whore, the Nerdddd and the Fool.

01:23:16 Sigourney Weaver appears. She is the God’s liaison.

01:23:18 Sigourney fucking Wheeler. Hells yes. Great choice, Gods. Anyone who can kick a Xenomorph’s ass is worthy to kick it with Zeus.

01:23:31 Weaver explains the ritual. When she refers to Dana, she calls her the virgin. Dana laughs. “We work with what we have,” Weaver says.

01:24:28 Weaver begs Dana to kill Marty or else the Gods will rise and rule the planet, brutally murdering and/or enslaving every human being. “You can die with them,” Weaver continues, “or you can die for them.”

01:25:51 Dana raises a gun. “I’m sorry, Marty.”

01:25:53 Marty gazes past her. “I’m sorry too.”

01:25:55 The werewolf bites Dana’s neck.

01:26:01 Marty scrambles to the dropped gun and shoots the werewolf off Dana. Weaver tackles him and they struggle for the weapon.

01:26:12 Incapacitated, Dana lays on the steps as Patience approaches. She walks past Dana.

01:26:43 As Weaver gets the upper hand on Marty, Patience swings her ax into Weaver’s skull.

01:26:45 FUCK YEAH, PATIENCE! YOU DID IT!

01:26:47 Marty kicks her down into the God pit. You’re one of them now, Patience.

01:27:58 Marty joins the bloody Dana on the steps. He takes a joint out of his pocket, lights up and shares it with her.

01:28:50 “It’s time to give someone else a chance,” Dana exhales.

What a weekend!

01:29:55 The Gods rise and enslave the planet.

END CREDITS!

Oh? Don’t like the ending? It completely fits given the prior narrative of breaking horror stereotypes. It’s time to give Zeus and Hermes and Athena some Earth time. Humans are so selfish.

And that’s a wrap on The Cabin in the Woods! If you thought Scream was meta, this movie takes that and shoots it to the moon. It’s also rather original. Okay, okay, if you’ve seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I know that this whole secret lab of monsters thing is basically ripped off. But hey! Joss Whedon wrote both these stories so I’m sure it’s okay to rip off yourself. Sometimes.

We learned that cops don’t mess with you if you are smoking from your giant bong while driving, Patience is a very patient zombie redneck, and not to buy stock in whatever company Jenkins and Whitford worked for. That’s going to be a rough drop on Monday, shareholders.

Sources

• Cabin in the Woods. Dir. Drew Goddard. Perf. Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth. Lionsgate, 2012.
• Cover Image

Scream

00:00:00 Wes Craven is responsible for a number of classic horror franchises. One such film is Scream. Scream is very self aware of itself as a horror movie. It understands horror film cliches and it utilizes this strength to come off as meta.

Horror Holiday presents Scream.

00:00:26 Drew Barrymore picks up her telephone.

00:00:27 Holy shit! It’s Drew Barrymore!

00:00:30 The caller tells Barrymore that he knows what she did last summer. Wait, wrong movie.

00:00:37 After some casual flirting with the stranger, Drew hangs up the phone; wrong number.

00:00:40 The phone rings again, Drew answers. The stranger obviously has figured out he called Drew fucking Barrymore and wants to flirt more. I honestly don’t blame him.

00:01:02 Drew hangs up the phone.

00:01:15 Wait. Drew Barrymore totally lives in Forrest Gump’s childhood home. No one can change my mind now, it is set.

00:01:20 Barrymore puts popcorn on the stove, obviously doesn’t own a microwave.

00:01:30 The phone rings, Drew answers. Am I getting too repetitive?

00:01:42 Barrymore continues to flirt with the strange man who keeps calling and even tells him her plans for the night. I know Scream is going to lay out the rules to avoid being in a horror movie, but I’d like to add my own: Don’t tell strangers who keep calling your phone what your evening plans are. Actually, just don’t do this in general.

00:01:45 Confirmed: Barrymore does own a microwave. I guess popping popcorn like a peasant makes it taste better?

00:01:46 “Do you like scary movies?” the voice hisses. Well, I mean, not now.

00:01:52 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” The Exorcist. Oh, wait, sorry I didn’t mean to offend you, Scream.

00:02:02 “Halloween!” Barrymore exclaims. “Ooooh, yeahhh,” somehow this answer has turned the stranger on. I mean, Barrymore, dude, you don’t run a 900 number over here. Just hang up.

Dammit, Drew Barrymore. Just hang up the phone!

00:02:21 Barrymore and Stranger Danger bond over Freddy Krueger’s knife fingers and it dawns on me that I must not be flirting right in the real world.

00:02:35 “What’s your name?” Stranger Danger asks. “Why do you want to know my name?” Barrymore practically giggles through the phone.

00:02:36 “Because I want to know who I’m looking at….”

00:02:37 Ahhh now Barrymore’s concerned! Do you think this will damage their relationship built on cinema serial killers and popcorn?

00:03:03 Barrymore finally hangs up on stranger danger. Her medieval popcorn is about to pop over on the stove. Why couldn’t you have just microwaved it? We wouldn’t have had this problem if you acted like normal human being.

00:03:06 Phone rings. Barrymore instinctively answers. *sigh*

00:03:34 She hangs up. Phone rings. Barrymore once again answers. This is going to be the whole diary log, guys! Surprise!!

00:03:35 “If you hang up again, I’m going to cut you open like a fish!” And now Stranger Danger’s flirting has just got very, very kinky.

00:03:46 Stranger Danger asks Barrymore if she wants to play a game and instantly rolls down the hall on his tricycle… Wait, not that movie either??

00:03:55 Eight phone calls later and Barrymore now realizes how serious her situation is. She scrambles to lock every single door in Forrest Gump’s Alabama mansion. I mean, she’s home alone, right? Why did she not lock the doors anyway in the middle of the night? She’s certainly not helping her odds here.

00:04:32 Door bell rings. Barrymore cries, “who’s there?” Don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered, kid.

00:04:35 Phone rings. Barrymore fucking picks up again! At this point, Drew, it doesn’t even make sense to hang up if you are just going to answer his call over and over.

00:04:39 “You should never say ‘who’s there,’ don’t you watch scary movies?” Stranger Danger taunts. I don’t think Barrymore watches scary movies. What a phony.

00:05:13 Barrymore threatens Stranger Danger with her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend. Raise your hand if Stranger Danger gives two fucks about her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend.

00:05:26 Oh, apparently Barrymore’s fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend is real. And Stranger Danger knows his name is Steve. Okay, well played, Stranger Danger.

00:05:45 Stranger Danger has abducted the real football-playing high school boyfriend named Steve and tied him up to a lawn chair on Barrymore’s patio. So I don’t know if Stranger Danger’s got blue tooth or something or he’s simply using his shoulder to keep the phone in place while he’s tying up football players to deck chairs.

00:06:09 Barrymore accepts Stranger Danger’s game and turns off the patio light as requested. He wants to play movie trivia. Yes! I love trivia! Can I have a team? My team is ‘My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t’. GIVE US THE FIRST QUESTION, DAMMIT!

00:06:40 First question for 10 points! Name the killer in Halloween. Ohhhh, Drew, you are so screwed. Why’d you lie about your favorite scary movie, Drew?? This could have all been avoided if you made popcorn like a normal human being, Drew!!!!

00:06:59 Oh no way, she got it! Drew and My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t are tied at 10!

00:07:09 Drew doesn’t want anymore trivia. Stop being such a fucking buzzkill, Drew.

00:07:14 Question Two! Same category. Name the killer in Friday the 13th.

00:07:22 “Jason! Jason!” Barrymore exclaims. Goddammit, Drew. It’s totally Betsy Palmer. Couch takes the lead!

00:07:48 OH MY GOD! THERE’S A BONUS ROUND!!!!

00:08:02 Oh. Ohhhh. Steve gets stabbed for Drew’s wrong answer. Damn, this trivia has some steep penalties for wrong answers. Fuck it, what’s the goddamn bonus round?!

00:08:25 FINAL QUESTION! “What door am I at?” Jeez, dude, I don’t fucking know. That’s a curveball fucking question. I call shenanigans!

00:08:48 The risk is death?? I don’t know, man, patio door? Fuck it, patio door: final answer.

00:09:00 It was the patio door. I win. Barrymore scrambles to her kitchen where the motherfucking popcorn has now caught fire. This is some bullshit, Drew.

00:09:07 Drew draws a butcher’s knife and escapes out a side door.

00:10:06 A vehicle approaches the drive way as GHOST FACE KILLAH reaches through the window at Drew. She smacks him with the phone (irony) and runs.

00:10:37 Ghost Face Killah fucking lays out through another window and tackles Drew. This kid play football? Because fuck, that was a great tackle, son!

GHOST FACE KILLAH

00:10:49 He chases her down and stabs Drew Barrymore in the heart. Because Drew has breasts of steel or something, that doesn’t seem to work. Ghost Face Killah tries chocking her but she kicks him in the balls. I mean, I guess we officially narrowed down the suspects by gender. Good work, Drew?

00:11:45 Drew crawls and tries to contact her parents as they walk into the house. She fails. Ghost Face Killah mounts her and, as he is about to stab her, Drew rips his mask off.

00:12:19 Noticing the burnt popcorn and downright destruction of their home, her parents pick up the phone to call the police. Instead they get the continued call Barrymore was on. They hear her gasps as Ghost Face Killah drags her dying body across the lawn.

00:12:49 Mom exits the house to find Barrymore hung from a tree.

00:13:00 We’re only thirteen fucking minutes into this movie?!

00:13:24 Neve Campbell’s character, named Sidney, types stuff into her 90’s age computer. Her boyfriend tries to go all Clarissa Explains It All by sneaking in through her second story window. The fucking 90’s, man.

00:13:42 Sidney’s father knocks on the door and her boyfriend scrambles underneath the bed. Her father gives us some exposition that he will be gone all week and that it’d be an unfortunate time for Sidney to deal with a serial killer. Teenagers, huh?

00:14:21 Boyfriend, Billy, explains that The Exorcist was on and it made him think about his girlfriend. Seriously, is this how flirting is supposed to go?

00:14:40 Billy makes a (romantic?) speech about the MPAA and their relationship. Dude, just tell her you want to be intimate. I don’t think a girl has ever been seduced by the MPAA or being compared to The Exorcist.

00:15:23 After his NC-17 proposition is shot down, Billy accepts the PG-13 compromise and still tries to cop a feel.

00:16:15 Sidney tells Billy that he should go before her dad hears them. Seriously, dude, if you didn’t come in guns blazing, bringing your meta-horror charm, you’d probably still be hanging out right now.

00:17:16 The local high school of our horny protagonists has been transformed into a police state after the death of Drew Barrymore. Barricades have been erected and media line the streets. Honestly, I feel this is an overreaction. Come on, local news, there isn’t anything more important than hanging out with a bunch of teenagers? This isn’t even the goddamn crime scene! Why are you at the high school anyway??

00:18:08 Sidney and her (best?) friend gossip about Barrymore’s murder. Don’t worry, apparently Barrymore was a whore anyway. I think her flirting with random dudes on the phone was supposed to symbolize that.

00:19:04 And now I guess they’re interviewing all the students? I feel like all this attention is being misdirected. You doooo know the murder did not occur on campus, right? Can we clarify that someone read an actual police report?

00:19:20 Oh look! The Fonz is the principal! What a cool dude!

00:19:26 “Eyyyyyy, Sidney!”

00:19:43 Now the students have a school-enforced curfew. Damn, this high school sucks pretty bad for being run by the Fonz. WHO HURT YOU, FONZIE!?

00:20:10 The cool kids hang out at the giant water fountain. Get out of here, nerds!

00:20:15 Oh look, Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) is one of the cool kids!

00:20:21 “How do you gut someone?” Sidney asks. Gee, I don’t fucking know, Sidney. I feel like the term ‘gutting’ is pretty self explanatory? Teenagers, man.

00:20:44 The cool kids club start blaming each other for Barrymore’s murder. Quiet, guys! The Fonz may have wire tapped the fountain!!

00:21:31 One of these guys keeps making the most annoying voices when he talks. I hate him. Initiate the tontine?

00:21:35 Oh wait. It’s Jamie Kennedy. Fucking hell.

00:21:55 But really, based on the interaction by the water fountain, does this group of friends even like each other? Or are they, like, all dealing each other pot and nobody wants to break the chain?

00:23:35 Sidney watches the news from her couch. The reporters harp on the incredible lack of clues in the Barrymore case. Didn’t Ghost Face Killah gut and hang these victims? And he even abducted the boyfriend from his home. Maybe they should get Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman on the case. They did a hell of a lot more with a whole lot less last time around.

00:23:51 Apparently Sidney’s mother was murdered a year ago and her body left in town square. Poor Sidney.

Sidney clicks through the news.

00:25:20 Sidney falls asleep on the couch and is awoken hours later by the phone. Her best friend (Rose McGowan) says something about Tom Cruise’s dick and that she is coming over. Sidney hangs up.

00:25:31 Phone rings again, Sidney answers. “Hello, Sidney.” Fucking here we go again.

00:25:40 Sidney begins a random conversation with the stranger. Wait. Let’s step aside for a second and wonder how there were no clues at Barrymore’s crime scene. The phone rung and was answered around 20 fucking times in the span of ten minutes. All one has to do is check the call log from Barrymore’s parents service provider. I’d assume that’d be step one since she died with the cordless phone still operating.

Step two: fuck the curfews, why isn’t the school building awareness for not giving your life’s story to strangers who randomly call your house? I don’t know, man. The Fonz has really gone off the deep end.

00:26:03 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Come on, please don’t say Halloween again. Let’s try something new. I’m sure Ghost Face Killah would appreciate some originality. Oh, oh, I don’t know, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. “Well, fuck, Sidney, I didn’t think anyone liked that movie. I guess you fucking live!”

00:26:06 Sidney assumes that it’s Jamie Kennedy prank calling. “I like that thing you’re doing with your voice, Jamie. It’s sexy.” Le sigh. Fucking teenagers, man.

00:26:34 Sidney still flirts with not-Jamie Kennedy until not-Jamie Kennedy says, for the umpteenth time, “I’m not Jamie fucking Kennedy.” Sidney turns cold. Ohhhh, now you get it?!

00:27:22 Ghost Face Killah claims that he is on the porch. Sidney calls bullshit and goes outside. No Ghost Face Killah. Ghost Face is a total wimp.

00:28:30 Sidney goes back into her house and GHOST FACE KILLAH jumps out of the closet. Booo!

00:29:00 He’s about to stab her but Sidney kicks Ghost Face Killah in the balls. I think it’s time to add a cup to your equipment set, bro.

00:29:10 He chases her up the stairs and Sidney locks herself in her room. She dials 911 on her AOL Wireless. Ghost Face Killah vanishes.

00:30:07 Billy instantly launches through her bed side window, not-so-Clarissa Explains It All style this time, and hugs Sidney. A cell phone falls from his pocket and Sidney panics and runs.

00:30:40 She rushes to the door and finds David Arquette (Officer Dewey) on her front porch, holding Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Dewey explains that he found it on the ground. The cops arrest Billy.

00:31:33 Rose arrives and takes Sidney home. Apparently Dewey is Rose’s brother? Okay.

00:32:06 Reporter Monica Gellar (played by, you guessed it, Courtney Cox) arrives on the scene to poach the story. Not this time, Monica!

00:32:34 By the way, Scary Movie essentially uses the exact same script as Scream. I am not kidding.

00:32:43 Sidney answers some of Officer Dewey’s questions at the station. Billy stares across the room. Awkward.

00:33:20 Billy is questioned by the police chief. He has his lawyer-dad present. The lawyer opinions the police check his client’s phone bill. “Thanks for telling us how to do our damn job,” the chief sarcastically remarks. But helloooooo! Are you going to check anyone’s fucking phone bill?

00:34:00 “We’re going to have to hold you, son, until we get those phone records.” And, while you’re at it, you should probably collect Barrymore’s phone records and, oh yeah, tell students to stop talking to fucking strangers on their goddamn phones. WHERE THE FUCK IS FREEPITT WHEN YOU NEED THEM!?

00:34:29 Monica arrives at the police station. She must be a bad reporter because she ends up being the last media member there.

00:35:15 Dewey and the chief agree that they should pull Billy’s phone bill. And thennnn….

00:35:21 “Think he did it?” Dewey asks. I don’t know, Dewey. How about we get some fucking phone bills all up in this bitch and do some fucking cross referencing. Who hired these people?

00:35:27 Chief sighs, “damned if I know.” fuck.

Officer Dewey and his equally inept Police Chief.

00:36:17 Dewey leads Sidney and Rose out the back exit. Monica intercepts them. Sidney asks Monica how her book’s coming, Monica says she’ll send her a copy. Sidney punches Monica in the face. Sidney: book hater.

00:37:07 Sidney bunks up with Rose. For some reason, Rose has two twin beds in her room. Where’s the other sibling, Rose?! This may be the true mystery!

00:37:36 The phone rings downstairs. Rose’s mom tells Sidney there’s a call for her but she doesn’t know who it is. Why is Sidney not on goddamn lockdown right now?? Police officer Dewey is even in the house! This shit needs to be on lock. down.

00:37:45 “Hellooooo Sidney…” Oh look! It’s Jamie Kennedy again!

00:38:06 This time Ghost Face Killah hangs up. What a pleasant twist!

00:39:05 At breakfast the next morning, Dewey informs Sidney that Billy’s cellular calls were clean and he’s been released. And….? Oh, that’s it? You didn’t, like, check anyone else’s phone bills? No? Alright then.

00:39:45 Dewey gives Sidney a police escort to school. He also does a piss poor job of keeping her away from the media; she is immediately swamped on arrival.

00:40:28 Sidney confronts Monica about the night before. Apparently Monica is writing a book about her mother’s murder case and she has written a lot of slander on Sidney. Monica believes that the man who has been convicted of the mother’s murder is innocent. Sidney gives a look that she may believe this also and Monica gets a hard-on about a potential book sequel. I’d focus on getting the first book published, Mon.

Monica reporting live from totally-not-the-crime-scene. We just want to hang out around high schools all day.

00:43:35 Sidney and ex-convict Billy run into each other at school. “What, you’d rather think I’m a psycho killer than have sex with me,” Billy pries. Billy, this is not the type of flirting that allows you to have sex with your girlfriend. At all.

00:43:49 “Billy, I was attacked and nearly filleted last night,” Sidney exclaims. “I’m talking about us, Sid,” Billy continues. Still not the right time to talk about ‘us’. Like, at all.

00:44:19 With his flirting making zero progress, Billy makes an analogy involving having sex and Sidney’s mother being killed exactly a year ago. This guy is supposed to have charm?

00:48:07 Ghost Face Killah hides in the girl’s bathroom and tries to kill Sidney. End scene?

00:48:49 Monica flirts with (her future husband) Dewey to try to get inside information.

00:49:24 Official announcement that all classes will be suspended. Eyyyyyy Fonzi!!!!

00:49:31 Also in effect: a city-wide curfew. Boooooo!

00:50:37 Matthew Lillard is amped about all the murders because now he gets to throw a party. Cool?

00:51:32 The Fonz hangs out wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask in his office. The students of this shitty high school have taken to running around wearing the costume because it’s hip and trendy and fucking relatable? Anyway, grown-up Fonz has some strange fetishes.

00:51:36 There’s a knock at his door. The Fonz answers. No one is there.

00:51:49 There’s another knock. Fonzie answers… oh not this shit again.

00:52:11 Fonz checks down the hallway. Only a Freddy Krueger look-alike janitor mopping the floors. I’m not kidding. Can you suck your own dick harder, Wes Craven?

00:53:10 Fonzie returns to his office where he is killed by Ghost Face Killah. Not cool, dude.

00:55:38 All the cool kids hang out at the VHS Store! Jamie Kennedy rips to Matthew Lillard that Billy is totally the killer.

00:56:44 Jamie Kennedy performs a meta-horror monologue on the formula to horror-movie killings. And, I mean, he’s not wrong. I feel like that’ll be me someday: standing in the middle of Best Buy, ranting about horror movie cliches and screaming, “EVERYBODY’S A SUSPECT.”

00:58:01 Wow. Everyone is taking this curfew seriously. Every local business has shut down operations. Do they know that the killer’s only target the past few days has been Sidney? I mean, he’s pretty keen on killing Sidney and he’s been rather inefficient. I don’t know why he even wasted his time on Barrymore to be honest. Have the police warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers? Please tell me that the police have warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers.

00:59:47 Oh my god. The chief tells Dewey that they traced the calls. THEY ACTUALLY TRACED THE GODDAMN CALLS! And it ties back to Sidney’s father’s phone. Ohhhhhh.

01:00:11 Chief initiates the manhunt for Sidney’s father, who is supposed to be away on business.

01:01:17 Dewey breaks everything the curfew stands for and drives Rose and Sidney to a giant house party. Teenagers, man.

01:02:10 Dewey runs into Monica, who is looking to scavenge a story from the house party. They agree to check it out together which is the opposite of keeping Sidney away from the media. In the last minute, Dewey has put Sidney in the middle of danger with a bunch of drunk teenagers who may be trying to kill her and brought her worst enemy to come report on her party antics. Great fucking job, Officer Dewey.

01:02:15 Oh yeah. And David Arquette is portraying Dewey as the single most awkward human being ever captured on film. So there’s that.

01:04:14 Monica places a hidden camera at the party. Whatta muckraker!

01:04:49 Rose goes to retrieve more beers from the garage. The door locks behind her and the lights go out.

01:05:36 She opens the garage and tries to leave through there but it begins closing halfway up. She turns and sees GHOST FACE KILLAH manning the control boardddddd.

01:05:55 “Is that you Jamie?” Rose snarks. Ghost Face Killah shakes his head. Poor Jamie Kennedy. Everyone just assumes he dresses up in black gowns and stabs people.

01:06:08 “Ohh you want to play psycho killer?” toys Rose. Ghost Face Killah nods. “Can I be the helpless victim?” GFK nods again.

01:06:15 “Please don’t kill me, mister ghost face,” Rose taunts, “I want to be in the sequel,” instantly eliminating her from sequel contention.

01:06:22 Rose calls Ghost Face Killah, ‘Casper.’ This does not sit well with GFK.

01:06:39 He cuts her arm and she runs. Ghost Face Killah pursues and Rose swings the freezer door in his face, knocking him to the floor. Dang, and he was finally wearing his cup too!

01:06:49 Rose begins throwing beer bottles at Ghost Face Killah. He then powers through and is table topped by Rose. Ghost Face Killah kinda sucks at this killing his victims thing.

01:06:57 Rose attempts to escape through a dog door but she can’t fit. She gets stuck halfway and Ghost Face Killah initiates the garage door. Rose gets crushed within the mechanism.

01:08:11 Billy shows up as the party is ending and Matthew Lillard offers his room to Sidney for a ‘make-up’.

01:10:30 Sidney opens her heart up to Billy who then compares her to Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Christ.

01:11:14 Somehow calling your girlfriend Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs helps you have sex. Who-da-fucking-thunk-it?

01:12:49 Jamie Kennedy puts on Halloween and forces his fellow party-ers to watch and I suddenly realize I am Jamie fucking Kennedy in Scream. We have to end the diary log now, I said I hated Jamie Kennedy’s character about 20 minutes in. Dammit.

01:13:00 Some drunk teenager questions Jamie Kennedy about the horror movie rules. Andddd initiate Scream’s guidelines to avoid being in a horror film situation!

Jamie Kennedy pauses the film and stands up in front of the crowd. Dammit, I can’t believe I’m Jamie fucking Kennedy here.

“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie,” Kennedy begins.

“Number one: you can never have sex.”

This draws much booing from his audience. Fucking teenagers.

“Sex equals death.” Okay, Mean Girls.

“Number two: never drink or do drugs.”

The audience clink their beer glasses.

“And number three: never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say, ‘I’ll be right back.’”

“I’m getting another beer, you want one?” Lillard rises.

“Sure.”

“I’ll be right backkkkkkk!” You’re fucking hilarious, Shaggy.

By the way, those rules suck. Those are not the horror rules. I’ll write some fucking horror rules, stay tuned. It’s a work in progress.

Jamie Kennedy explains the rules of horror to disinterested drunk teenagers.

01:14:18 Monica watches her hidden camera feed from a news truck across the street. Dewey comes banging on the door asking if she wants to come inspect a car crash with him. Monica accepts. And they lived happily ever after.

01:16:16 A phone rings. Jamie Kennedy answers and is informed that the Fonz was found gutted and hung from the goal post. Homecoming was intense this year, guys!

01:16:22 The party goers are amped so they ditch Kennedy to check out the scene before the police bring him down. Fucking teenagers. That’s The Fonz you’re talking about, show some respect!

01:17:27 Dewey and Monica walk down a dirt road, flirting all along the way. The drunk caravan of Fonz haters nearly hit them. They dive out of the way and make out. Because romance?

01:18:44 They find the ditched car Dewey heard about. It belongs to Sidney’s father. They rush back towards the house party.

01:20:14 Sidney asks Billy who his one phone call was after he was arrested. She laughs and says how it would be ironic, if he was the killer, how he could have used it to call her the night Ghost Face Killah threatened her at Rose’s house.

01:20:20 By the way, Rose died, like, a couple hours ago. She’s hanging out, crushed in the garage door. Is anybody concerned? I mean, she was getting beers so I’m pretty sure someone was concerned they didn’t receive their beer.

01:20:32 Ghost Face Killah sneaks up behind Billy and stabs him. He then reengages his long continuing pursuit of Sidney.

01:21:05 He chases her around the house and Sidney knocks him out with a door.

Dear Concussed Ghost Face Killah,

I know you made the (wise) effort to wear a cup to work. But next time, also consider a helmet?

01:21:13 Sidney locks herself in the attic. She tries to signal Monica’s production van but no dice. She climbs onto the roof and, after being grabbed by GFK, falls off.

01:22:11 Upon landing on a conveniently-placed tarp, she discovers the dead Rose. It’s only been a few hours since she went to get you a beer, Sid. Maybe you guys weren’t all that good of friends after all.

01:22:22 Jamie Kennedy still watches Halloween on the couch, long after all the other guests have left. Why is this me?

01:22:31 Ghost Face Killah arrives. I wonder what his favorite movie is. Is it Halloween!?

01:22:55 As he is about to murder a Jamie Lee Curtis-distracted Jamie Kennedy, Ghost Face Killah becomes distracted by Sidney’s screams outside. Priorities, bro.

01:23:37 Sidney takes refuge in the production van with Monica’s camera guy. They watch as Jamie Kennedy narrowly avoids death. But the camera guy remembers that the footage is on a 30-second delay. He exits the van and notices the house’s front door wide open. Ghost Face Killah sneaks around the van and slits his throat.

01:23:57 Sidney escapes the van and runs into a horse field.

01:24:28 Dewey and Monica return to the house and Dewey investigates.

01:26:44 Monica attempts to flee in the production van and narrowly avoids hitting Sidney. The production van goes flying into the woods and rams into a tree. Your mother is avenged, Sid!

01:27:17 Sidney returns to the house and finds Dewey leaning against the front door with a knife in his back. Ghost Face Killah re-pursues Sidney.

01:27:48 Sidney rushes to Dewey’s police car and locks the door. Ghost Face Killah hangs outside, giggling and waving the car keys at the window. He disappears underneath the vehicle’s eye-line.

01:28:06 He unlocks one door and Sidney dives over the seat to re-lock it.

01:28:22 He opens the hatchback trunk.

01:28:30 And grabs Sidney. She wrestles with GFK and escapes the vehicle. Ghost Face Killah is soooo inept at killing his key targets.

01:28:56 Jamie Kennedy shows up outside. Sidney points Dewey’s gun at him. Oh, and apparently Matthew Lillard has now reemerged. Curious.

01:29:15 “He did it!” “No, he did it!” “No, no, he did it, Sidney!” “NO HE DID IT!” For fucks sake just shoot them both!

01:29:21 “Fuck you both,” and Sidney locks them out of the house. Good for you, Sid. Morale victories are fun too.

01:29:42 As they bang on the door, Billy comes rolling down the steps. Sidney runs to comfort him but he insists that she open the front door.

01:30:25 Billy lets Jamie Kennedy in, quotes Psycho and shoots him with Sidney’s gun. I mean, I think Kennedy can appreciate going out that way. Psycho is a pretty legendary film.

01:30:40 Oh shit, I’m dead?

01:30:45 Billy reveals his blood as colored corn syrup. You should probably get that checked out, dude.

01:30:51 Matthew Lillard reemerges. Sidney is a little bit too surprised given it is Lillard’s house and all.

01:31:25 Billy corners Sidney in the kitchen. “Fuck you!” Sidney screams. “I already did that, baha!” Stillll not flirting, dude.

01:32:16 “Why’d you kill my mother?” Sidney cries.

“Here that? She wants a motive. Sidney, did Norman Bates have a motive?” Billy lectures.

Ummm, yeah. He kind of did. Did you even watch Psycho? You just read Wikipedia, didn’t you. Yeahhhh, you read Wikipedia.

Oh and what the fuck? Why’d you kill her mother and then wait a year to kill her and all of her friends? Were you really that confident you two would still be dating?

01:32:29 “It’s scarier when there is no motive,” Billy reasons.

“We killed your mother because she was a slut,” Billy says in his next breath, stating his motive and ruining all of his credibility. “Your mother was fucking my father and she’s the reason that my mother moved out and abandoned me.”

Hey, Billy, do we need to go to dictionary.com and look up the fucking definition of the word, ‘motive’? Because I don’t think you get it. And, ewwww, you still dated the daughter of the woman who fucked your dad?

01:33:38 Matthew Lillard gets way too excited before dragging Sidney’s father into the room. This movie takes place over a week and you just held someone hostage in your home? Don’t you live with your parents or something and they didn’t find this guy when you were out at school?

01:34:08 They place all of the clues on Sidney’s father. The perfect crime! Except for all your finger prints and Billy’s sexual acts with Sidney. Don’t worry, I don’t think CBS has a CSI franchise dispatched to your neighborhood yet.

01:34:52 Billy stabs Matthew Lillard to play it off like they are victims as well. Then Lillard stabs Billy. And then Billy stabs Lillard. Then again. Then again. Ummm, didn’t you guys plan this part out? This doesn’t seem like it’s all going to plan.

What a cute couple

01:36:27 Lillard goes to retrieve the gun but finds it missing and panics.

01:36:46 Monica aims the gun at Lillard.

01:37:17 Monica pulls the trigger but the safety is on. Billy sparta kicks her out the door.

01:37:59 Distracted by the awesome-ness of Billy’s sparta kick, the Ghost Face Killah’s lose track of Sidney.

01:38:13 The phone rings. Billy answers.

01:38:28 Sidney tells Billy that she already called the police. He gives the phone to a steadily-bleeding out Matthew Lillard.

01:39:03 Billy quickly changes his mind and yanks the phone from Lillard. He yells, “fuckkkk,” into the receiver then throws it into Lillard’s back.

“Stop hitting me with the phone, you dick!” shouts a blood-vacant Lillard.

“Yo, I’ve told you man. You’ve got the wrong number.”

01:39:51 Billy searches for his ex-girlfriend-step-sister but is distracted by Jamie Lee Curtis, who is still on the freaking TV. Taking her chance, Sidney stabs Billy with an umbrella while wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask.

01:40:18 Obviously-pissed-over-the-amount-of-blood-he’s-lost-Matthew Lillard tackles Sidney. She then beats up Lillard and drops the Halloween-playing-TV on his face, electrocuting him.

01:40:52 Jamie Kennedy pops up. Oh my god! He’s alive!

01:41:01 And immediately gets punched in the face by Billy.

01:41:39 Billy attempts to stab Sidney but is shot by Monica who has discovered the goddamn safety!

01:42:59 The police finally arrive and take Sidney’s father to the hospital. Monica does her news story (and gets her book sequel!)

How was the party, Sid?

End Credits

That’s a wrap on Scream. I’m over 5,000 words on a movie that was only an hour forty-five long. Dammit.

Anyway, we learned that I am Jamie Kennedy, I guess… That comparing your relationship to classic horror films is not flirting and that BARRYMORE CANNOT COOK POPCORN LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING! FOR FUCKS SAKE!

That’s all I’ve got. Do as you will with it.

Sources

• Scream. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1996.
• Cover Image

Oculus

00:00:00 So do you remember when I said that there were films which I was really afraid to see? Well, Oculus is one of them and guess what I’m freaking watching? Also, take note my bravery as I am watching this at, like, 10pm. No, you’ve been drinking!

Anyway, I’ve heard that it is a really good film and not actually too scary. I’m just afraid that I’m going to be dodging mirrors by the end of the night. Oculus was originally a short film created by screenwriter/director Mike Flanagan. This is his full motion picture adaption and it stars my one true love, Karen Gillan. She is pretty much the only one who is going to drag me through this.

Okay, I’ve stalled for long enough? Good. Horror Holiday presents Oculus!

00:00:51 Oh no way! This is a WWE Studio picture? I didn’t know John Cena was producing now! That man is fucking talented!

00:01:55 Young redhead girl and her brunette brother try to escape a house. A young adult sneaks up behind them with a gun, aims and fires. Smash cut to the young adult in therapy, explaining his dream.

00:03:10 Let me stop us right here. Fair warning: this diary log is going to get strange. There are a lot of perception mind fucks, which is one of the other things that attracted me to this film. The perception filter is going to be difficult to conceptually portray in writing, so I’ll try my best to construct it in a way that makes some semblance of sense.

00:03:11 Oh, and a perception filter is basically the veil between our realities. Our reality is as we perceive it. If we perceive something, then it is real. But what is reality, really? Reality is just a thin veil between our perception of dimensions. Mind fucked yet?

Look around the room you are in. Things seem similar, right? Now try to focus on something that you take for granted, something that has always been in your line of sight but, when you survey a room, you’re all like, whatever. Stare at it. You noticed some new things about it, right? Details have emerged that you never noticed before, huh? Now it is a part of your reality, whether you like it or not. But did it exist before you took notice? That’s what perception is. Welcome to Oculus.

00:03:12 Oh, and the young adult, which I can assume is the young redhead’s brother, is a generic, wavy-haired Abercrombie model. He will be known as Fitch (because Abercrombie is too long, dammit!)

00:03:23 There she is! Her red pony tail swings back and forth as she marches towards an auction house bidding room. The love of my life, Karen Gillan!

00:04:09 And she’s buying the goddamn haunted mirror. Why, Karen? Why?!

00:04:15 Stop bidding! Just use the buy now option! You’re paying wayyy over sticker price!

00:04:30 Fitch is being lectured by his doctor to be safe when he leaves the medical facility. It is important for his recovery. Doc, I think safety is important for anyone’s recovery.

00:06:04 Gillan picks her brother up from the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Memorial Hospital and asks him to move in with her until he’s settled. Fitch doesn’t seem like he’s into that type of commitment just yet. He just wants to pose in front of stores for preteen clothing. God, just let the man live how he wants!

00:06:52 Gillan tells Fitch that she found the mirror that drove him crazy. Fitch, obviously, is not  pleased.

00:07:27 Gillan wants to kill the mirror. Now I’m amped! Let’s kill some fucking mirrors guys! Better yet, let’s just kill all the goddamn mirrors! Is this a social commentary of modern narcissism? This is your fault, teenagers! Taking all those damn selfies! Now we have to take it out on the mirrors!

00:08:48 Flashback to eleven years earlier. Katee Sackhoff of Battlestar Galactica Starbuck fame and the children’s Dave Matthews-looking father are moving into a new home in what looks like Alabama. It may be the same house from The Patriot but I could have sworn the British burnt that down. Wait, is this reality?? HAVE WE ALREADY STARTED?!

00:09:32 Jump cut to present day. This editing is going to be the death of this diary log.

00:09:56 Fitch decides to move into a hotel room. It fits his amateur modeling career better, he says.

00:10:29 Karen Gillan says that she is going to kick the mirror’s ass tomorrow if Fitch wants to come watch. I’ll come watch, Karen! From a distance and all, though. I don’t want to get too close and end up in 1930’s New York or something (someone please get that reference.)

00:10:47 And jump cut to eleven years prior. I don’t know how I’m going to keep track of this. I already use freaking colors. Am I supposed to italicize everything now??

00:11:49 Dave Matthews stubs his toe in the kitchen. No, you got jump scared!

00:12:01 Then he sees a freaky girl with glowing eyes for a second but she vanishes when he double takes. Perception filters are a bitch, man. He enters the room with the all-mighty Mirror of Camelot and sees a blood stain on his shirt which obviously isn’t there in real life. He shrugs and goes back to bed.

00:13:38 Karen Gillan awakes in the middle of the night and starts trash talking the mirror. She turns away and Dave Matthews appears and begins strangling her. But she is actually still in bed, she only dreamt she awoke and approached the mirror.

Dave Matthews tries to strangle his futuristic daughter

00:13:59 How the fuck am I going to write these perception glitches coherently? Dammit. If I can someone convey the actual story along with my made up side-plots, I deserve a freaking Oscar.

00:16:07 Gillan explains to her boyfriend that she has to kick a mirror’s ass, so she’s taking the weekend off.

00:16:55 Gillan visits the mirror at the auction house, ready to bring it home. While inspecting the mirror, she notices things moving in the reflection behind her. She turns and sees nothing has changed. So is this like a staring into Medusa’s eyes type of thing? Where, if you stare too long, your reality becomes royally fucked?

00:19:09 This mirror is already mind fucking Gillan. She tells Mirror of Camelot, “bring it on.”

00:19:49 By the way, they got rid of Karen Gillan’s Scottish accent. She is sporting an American one here and it makes me sad.

00:20:24 Eleven years ago, in a galaxy far far away…

00:20:39 Dave Matthews sits in his office, which is the mirror’s place of residence. Just saying, this mirror is gothic as shit. It does not fit the room at all. It looks like it should be in the Evil Queen’s lair. How did you escape the cartoons, Mirror, and enter Alabama?? Do you even have a valid passport?

00:21:39 Baby Gillan complains that she doesn’t have a cell phone but all her friends at school do. I can totally relate, Baby Gillan from eleven years ago.

00:22:42 Fitch and Gillan return home. Gillan brings her dog, who is named Dog. Come on, Karen. You have the imagination to do battle with an evil-riddled mirror but you can’t come up with a creative enough name for your dog?

00:24:27 Fitch enters his dad’s old office and is attracted to a metal hook in the wall. He looks away and then it’s gone. He actually isn’t that shocked that it disappears. If this were me, I’d probably burn the house down from that experience alone.

00:25:38 Gillan and Fitch bring the mirror inside. Gillan has a bunch of cameras set up to distinguish between what they are seeing and what is real. Or… real.

00:27:05 She also has an alarm set to go off every hour and each room tracking the temperature so that if there are changes, alarms will trigger.

00:27:30 Gillan begins a documentary-style introduction towards one of her cameras. She states her purpose: that these recordings will prove if there is an, “observable predictable supernatural force,” within the mirror that is responsible for decades worth of deaths.

00:28:05 She then introduces the mirror’s history of killing.

00:29:03 Oh, by the way, smash all your mirrors now. Trust no one!!!

I guess these kids never saw Paranormal Activity

00:30:39 Gillan reveals the rolodex of past victims. Satan’s Mirror has a bit of a rap sheet. Basically, this shit is serious.

00:30:45 As Gillan is going over the accounts, she is distracted by a golden retriever passing through the adjacent hallway. They didn’t bring a golden retriever.

00:31:00 Gillan also brought much food and water. Basically, the mirror doesn’t come out and kill you Freddy Krueger style. It messes with your perceptions so that you die of “natural” causes like starvation, dehydration, self mutilation, etc. That is why Gillan has set up the timers and such.

Let’s break it down again. We are shredding the fibers of reality here. Time doesn’t exist; Lucy lied to you. Time is how we measure things but time is not real. It is our reality but it does not exist. We perceive time as minutes, hours, days, years. But what actuality does it hang itself on? It makes people, places, things easier to perceive, creates balance within our reality. Cause and effect. It takes three hours to drive to Boston. That seems simple. But in actuality, the time and distance traveled is something made up to make sense within our minds.

The mirror messes with that basis. You can be staring at a wall for ten seconds, look away a beat then come back. It’s been ten days. Perception is a fragile thing; it’s a tragic thing to lose.

00:32:23 Fitch interrupts Gillan’s documentary to argue causation versus correlation. And Fitch is right, in ways. What is this, an actual smart horror movie? Well, I’ll be damned.

00:32:45 Fitch asks why they can’t just smash the Evil Queen’s Mirror. Gillan smirks and reminds him that they tried that as kids. Fitch does not remember the event taking place.

00:32:47 It’s a tragic thing to lose indeed.

00:35:11 Gillan explains that the mirror won’t let you destroy it. You can approach it with an ice pick but a second later, you’ll be sitting in another room, wondering why there is an ice pick penetrating through your chest.

00:35:33 WHAT

00:35:34 IS

00:35:35 LIFE????

Gillan and Fitch battle Mirror, round one!

00:36:20 Just saying, for doing battle with the hunched back mirror of Notre Dame, Gillan has a pretty fool-proof plan. Whether she actually kills the mirror by dawn or not, she has a timing mechanism set up to launch an anvil driven hammer through the mirror. Your move, Mickey Mirror!

00:36:35 I wonder if Disney sues me for all these references?

00:36:43 Dave Matthews types in his office. The mirror watches. He takes a bandaid off his finger and continues typing. He looks back down and the bandaid is back on his finger. He takes a staple remover to remove the bandaid, but his vision of a reality returns and he has taken off his fingernail.

00:40:04 Gillan uses the dog in the name of science. She puts Dog in front of the mirror, covered by a sheet.

00:40:50 Dave Matthews has bought a gun in case of shooting the mirror…. and potentially your entire family if your reality folds.

00:41:34 So the Mirror of Azkaban is obviously destroying Matthews’ psyche. Can we go back and see if Jack Torrance had any weird looking mirrors at his Breckinridge palace? I mean, for fuck sake, that place was big enough!

00:42:47 So has it really been 42 minutes of movie time, OR DO YOU JUST THINK IT HAS BEEN??? What if we haven’t even started the diary log! Mwuahahahaha!

00:44:53 Also, guys, I think we have to discuss the dark realities of these characters as well. Like in The Shining with Jack and then with his son’s visions, can we trust that what we are shown on screen is actually real or canon? Jack had a potential mental illness along with alcoholism. His son had visions and could have suffered from similar mental illnesses.

What if Dave Matthews is simply mentally disturbed and the stress of the new house set it off? What if both of his children suffer from a similar illness as well and what we are seeing is what they want us to see, i.e. what they believe they are seeing. Just some tips to think beyond what the movie is showing you.

Gillan sets up the alarms and timers.

00:46:01 So Gillan reveals that the mirror killed their golden retriever. She has placed Dog in front of the mirror to see if it kills again. You may receive a call from PETA soon, Miss Gillan.

00:47:11 Gillan and Fitch discuss their childhood and what they believe actually happened. Five minutes pass. But an hour passes. The timers sound. The temperature slightly rises.

00:50:03 Fitch argues that the family may just have mental problems and basically states all that I did above. Honestly, director Mike Flanagan, it takes some balls to punch a hole through your whole movie premise and still keep it running! Fire all the executives responsible for the Halloween remakes, hire more people like Mike fucking Flanagan!

00:51:27 Gillan finally agrees that Fitch may have a point. She walks into the office to turn off the camera and end the Mirror experiment.

00:51:59 She enters the office and is frozen. The cameras have been moved to face each other. Dead plants lay at their tripoded feet.

00:52:01 Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

00:52:08 The temperature has now risen ten degrees in the last, I don’t know, five minutes? Hour? FIVE HOURS?

00:52:13 Gillan is as amped as Bill Paxton when he sees a goddamn tornado. Fitch’s mental well-being completely crashes to the ground. Dudeeee, you should totally go back to Cuckoo’s Nest Hospital and be like, “I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!”

00:52:27 Nooooooo. So, during Gillan and Fitch’s argument, they were standing still on screen. But, as Gillan rewinds the camera feed, she sees that they moved the cameras to face each other and they placed the dead plants while arguing.

00:52:50 Houston, we have a fucking problem.

00:53:39 Gillan and Fitch leave the office to observe more perception fuckery around the house.

00:54:33 Fitch thinks he walked outside and made a phone call. But he just sat down in the middle of the room. Fitch is quickly losing it.

00:55:09 Eleven fortnights ago, Baby Gillan witnessed her mother having a staring contest with Mirror Mirror Almighty

00:57:15 Starbuck sends the children to bed. She is challenging Doctor Mirror to an ol’ fashioned DRAW!

00:57:59 Starbuck finds Dave Matthews’ work. He has scribbled meaningless words all over some of his paperwork. Is he Jack Torrance Reincarnated? Whatever you do, kids, don’t let him believe that he is a good writer. He’ll move you all out to Breckinridge and chase you through mazes for eternity!

00:58:29 Starbuck throws everything off Dave Matthews’ desk. Or did she really?

00:59:00 She throws a paperweight at the mirror in anger. The mirror counterattacks with perception fuckery! The mirror has possessed Starbuck.

Dave Matthews and his one true love, mirror.

00:00:00 So do you remember when I said that there were films that I was really afraid to see? Well, Oculus is one of them and guess what I’m freaking watching? Also, take note my bravery as I am watching this at, like, 10pm. No, you’ve been drinking!

Anyway, I’ve heard that it is a really good film and not actually that scary. I’m just afraid I’m going to be dodging mirrors by the end of the….. Ahhhh! Gotcha! Did I get you? You thought we were back at the beginning and… Yeah, that was lame. I’ll show myself out…

01:00:30 Starbuck tries to grab Young Fitch’s throat. Baby Gillan and Young Fitch scramble away as she pursues.

01:00:50 Dave Matthews returns home to find Starbuck banging on the children’s door. She tries to strangle him as well.

01:02:16 Somehow, Jack-Torrance-influenced-Dave Matthews appears to be the sane one here.

01:02:52 Until he makes an outbound call that gets intercepted by Oculus Wireless and he gets possessed too.

01:03:42 The hour timer sounds. Fitch can’t distinguish the past from the present anymore. Maybe it’s a bit too soon to go bragging to the Memorial Hospital.

01:04:40 Possessed Dave Matthews is doing his best impression of Kathy Bates’ Misery, tells his children to not disturb their mother who now lives in their bedroom for all eternity.

01:05:02 Two minutes have passed. The hour timer sounds again.

Guys, if you think you can avenge your parents whose deaths were caused by an evil mirror, just don’t, okay?

01:05:53 Pretty sure Dave Matthews has Starbuck tied up in their room Exorcist style. And, honestly, I don’t blame anyone for that method after what I’ve seen so far.

01:06:16 You have probably noticed that I’m not even clarifying the past and present cut scene jumps. They’re all meshed together because what is time other than layers on top of one another, ready to be fucked with by evil mirrors.

01:06:23 Gillan goes to replace a blown light bulb. After fixing it, she picks up an apple she was previously eating and takes a bite. But the apple is really a light bulb. And it has self destructed within her mouth.

01:07:43 Except it hasn’t. And it is really an apple. Are you all still with me?

01:09:10 Dave Matthews spends his days staring at Mirror Mirror, entranced by it’s majestic glory and unabashed triumph. Perhaps Oculus is really about their father’s affair with the mirror and his children’s hatred towards their step-mirror-mother.

01:10:42 Baby Gillan sneaks into her parents’ bed room, where she finds her mother tied up in a chain collar like a dog.

01:10:45 Come on, Dave Matthews, the mirror isn’t even sexy. It’s all gothic and shit. Do you really want to bang that for the rest of your life? No I will not be your best man!

01:11:23 The children complain that their new step-mirror-mom won’t buy groceries or clean the house. She just married you for the sex and money! Can’t you see you’re tearing this family apart?!

01:14:34 And now the perception filters are overlapping as Young Fitch witnesses adult Fitch enter his bedroom.

01:17:12 The perception filters mess with Gillan, who stabs her boyfriend whom she thought was her possessed mother.

01:17:40 Boyfriend dies.

01:17:54 Gillan’s phone rings and it’s her boyfriend asking how things are going.

01:18:00 Gillan concludes that she couldn’t have killed her boyfriend, that the mirror is playing tricks again

01:18:44 She turns on her iPhone camera and raises the lens to reveal her dead boyfriend. Her actual dead boyfriend.

01:18:46 THIS MIRROR PLAYS FOR KEEPS!

01:18:50 Listen, I can’t properly explain the mind fuckery that’s going on right now. I’m just calling it as I see it.

01:21:08 Gillan and Fitch call for help but they realize that they didn’t. That they can’t. That this situation is really, really bad.

01:21:45 Dave Matthews loads his gun.

01:22:26 Gillan and Fitch stare at themselves staring at the mirror. The mirror projects a dead, dead possessed being. It chases a just-transformed Baby Gillan and Young Fitch into their rooms.

01:23:05 Oh, by the way, smash all your mirrors now. Trust no one!!!

01:25:02 Adult Fitch convinces Adult Gillan that they need to get downstairs to activate the anchor swing. The dead, dead possessed step-mirror-mother is trying to chase them away from their, well, potential NUKE.

01:25:14 Dave Matthews unleashes possessed Starbuck to eat their children and SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE???

01:26:53 Baby Gillan and Young Fitch attempt an escape from the house. Baby Gillan smacks Starbuck with a golf club and dives out a second floor window.

01:28:07 Adult Fitch watches as Dave Matthews approaches with his gun. “You’re just a trick.” Dave Matthews shoots.

01:28:48 Karen Gillan reenters the house and finds her creepy dead ex-boyfriend hanging around the Mirror of Eternal Life, all bloodied up and shit. Now you’re having an affair too?!

01:29:30 Baby Gillan finds Young Fitch hiding in a corner. Starbuck pops out and begins strangling her daughter but she eventually releases Baby Gillan.

01:30:30 Dave Matthews shoots and murders Starbuck.

01:32:06 The children rush the Mirror of Xerxes with golf clubs and hack away wildly. Ironically, they miss every time. Come on, Dave Matthews, I know you hate your family but at least give your kids golf lessons. Even the rich parents who despise their children provide that!

01:32:21 Dave Matthews finds his children near the mirror. He points his gun at Baby Gillan. Young Fitch swings his club at Matthews’ arm and dislodges the weapon (fore!)

01:33:30 Young Fitch obtains the firearm and aims at his father. Dave Matthews seats himself upon the ground, grabs young Fitch’s gun-brandishing hands, and pulls the trigger.

Baby Gillan and Young Fitch don’t like their new step-mirror-mom.

01:34:22 The hour timer goes off and Fitch finds himself seated on the floor, in front of Mirror of Apocalypse, alone.

01:34:39 Baby Gillan finds herself in 1930’s New York City! (Just kidding) … finds herself in her father’s office, eleven years ago, wielding a pitching iron in both hands. Alone.

01:34:51 She turns to the mirror and sees her mother, hands outstretched for her daughter. Baby Gillan enters the mirror’s hug.

01:35:28 Fitch rises and approaches the anvil swing activation. He flips the switch.

01:35:35 And pierces Karen Gillan’s skull

01:36:19 NOOOOO! MY ONE TRUE LOVE! NOOOOOO!

01:37:10 The police arrive on scene and take Gillan’s body away. Fitch is in handcuffs.

01:37:55 Fitch screams it was the mirror as he is taken away in a police cruiser.

01:38:15 Oooohhh, so you know how we talked about bragging to the guys at the Memorial Hospital, Fitch? Yeahhhh, let’s pass on that for a while…..

END CREDITS

That’s a wrap on Oculus! And it only took a few beers and half a bottle of wine to get through!

So I apologize for the story confusion. It’s difficult to portray these timelines as they unfold upon each other. I adored the perception filter idea though. It really is brilliant.

While the movie does have it’s fair share of plot holes, Oculus is definitely worth a watch and is creepy for sure. It is probably once of the coolest horror movies that I have seen.

Anyway, I hope I didn’t shatter anyone’s grasp on reality!

Sources

• Oculus. Dir. Mike Flanagan. Perf. Karen Gillan, Brenton Thwaites. Relativity Media, 2013.
• Cover Image

Se7en

00:00:00 Hello! Greetings and welcome to Se7en commentary! If you previously read my Dawn of the Dead remake commentary, you already know that these posts are nowhere near serious. Like, take ‘serious’, drive five states away, and then dig to China. Don’t get me wrong, I love horror movies. I love their concepts and the aesthetic value of them. The whole jump-scare culture, not so much; that’s the thing that actually scares me and I hate myself for it. Why can’t I be afraid of something cool??

Horror Holiday was born from absentmindedly live tweeting horror movies that I watched. To save all of my followers from two hours of non-stop banter, I created a blog. I like to poke fun, make inane pop culture references, construct side plots and devise new meanings and themes out of thin air. Any pop culture reference I make is not intended slander, it is mainly because it’s the first thought that popped into my head when watching the film.

Now don’t get me wrong; just because I mock and create silly twists in horror movies does not mean that I am immune to their terror. I’ve actually found that the sillier the imaginary side plot is, the scarier the movie.

I wanted to create this blog commentary for those who enjoy horror movies or for those who are too afraid to see them. I fall within both categories. There are films that I will not see because I am gravely horrified by them. But curiosity rips at me. I’ll go and read Wikipedia plot summaries, scroll through message boards just to get a glimpse of what I’m missing out on, while making sure not get too close. That is why I think this blog is interesting. People who don’t like horror movies are always wondering about them. Let me watch them for you. Let me tell you about them in ways that make them light, fluffy, silly. And maybe you can fall in love with some of the beauty in this twisted genre.

Oh, and obvious spoilers ahead.

00:00:05 So Se7en is director David Fincher’s second real movie. His first was Alien3. It is a slight miracle that Fincher was allowed the creative licensing to produce a movie like Se7en after Alien3’s suckitude.

00:00:40 Detective Morgan Freeman prepares for his last first long day of hunting down serial killers. Even in 1995, Morgan Freeman is still considered the ‘old retiring detective’. He’s pretty much made a career out of being old and wise.

00:01:32 Mustache cop says the force will be real glad when Morgan Freeman leaves, which is strange. A minute-thirty into the film and Freeman has said nothing offensive or anything. Mustache cop may just be a dick. Ten seconds later, mustache cop walks out and young Brad Pitt comes running up the stairs. Mustache cop is never seen again. Are they the same person?? Are you Tyler Durden?!

00:01:47 I previously live tweeted Se7en on my twitter account and I mentioned how Brad Pitt has made two iconic movies with director David Fincher: Se7en and Fight Club. I compared them to Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo and Scorsese have made a number of movies together such as, Gangs of New York, The Departed, Shutter Island, and most recently Wolf of Wall Street. Honestly, for all the hype Scorsese and DiCaprio get, they don’t make many great movies. Shutter Island would be my favorite out of that group but it doesn’t have a very popular following. Fight Club and Se7en are iconic. All you have to do is mention the ending to someone and they can name the film.

00:02:03 Pitt is the new detective on the block. Hot-shot, shoot ‘em up ‘nd git er’ done attitude. Morgan Freeman is the old school detective, keen on good ol’ fashioned book research and detail. Anddddd, action!

00:04:17 Morgan Freeman falls asleep to a grimly ticking metronome. Cue opening credits!

00:04:53 Haunting imagery of serial killer reading through books, prepping for his murders. In case you don’t know the plot, Se7en is about a serial killer whose killings are influenced by the seven deadly sins. Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.

00:07:43 Brad Pitt waits in the rain with two coffees, one for him and one for Freeman. Awwww! New friends! Freeman rejects this sign of friendship though. Gosh, no wonder mustache cop wants Freeman off the force! By the way, it rains nearly every day in this film. I’m surprised there are no flash floods by the end. It’s like the film takes place during Hurricane Sandy or something.

00:09:26 Freeman and Pitt investigate a crime scene using torch flashlights. Since Se7en, nobody has been able to catch that same imagery of torches like Fincher. When you think of Se7en, you think of the seven deadly sins, *major spoiler ending*, and the goddamn torches.

The goddamn torches

00:09:40 Freeman and Pitt uncover their victim: majorly fat dead dude face down in his food. Majorly Fat Dead Dude also has his hands and feet tied. So, obviously, he died during a pie eating contest.

00:11:03 Pitt concludes murder. I still conclude death by pie eating contest.

00:12:19 Pitt is super friendly, introducing himself to all the cops on site. This pisses Freeman off, so Freeman sends Pitt to do traffic duty while he wraps up crime scene. No new friends.

00:13:27 Pitt asks Freeman to take him seriously. “Don’t jerk me off, man,” Pitt pleas, “just be real with me, and don’t jerk me off.” Freeman looks at Pitt, but no response. Freeman can’t promise not to jerk Pitt off.

00:13:34 What is the Vegas over/under on Majorly Fat Dead Dude’s weight. I got (-130) on over 340 pounds and (-115) on the under.

00:15:02 Freeman and Pitt decide that cause of death was not pie eating contest related, conclude someone made him eat to death. I still don’t buy it.

00:16:33 Freeman tells the Chief that he wants off the case because he’s retiring soon and he doesn’t believe he can close it before retirement. Outraged, Pitt tells Freeman, “fuck that,” and tries to poach the case. Someday, I hope Pitt and Freeman can be happy together. Are there any Se7en Freeman/Pitt shippers? Or is that way too much of a niche?

00:18:39 Pitt hangs out in swivel chair in a murdered defense attorney’s office while watching Breaking News Bulletin about murdered defense attorney.

00:19:12 GREED

00:20:10 Chief informs Freeman, who is back at the office typing on a goddamn type writer (because he’s old fashioned, get it??), that murdered defense attorney has been murdered with greed written in blood on the floor. Freeman is back in the game! Nobody writes bloody buzz words on his crime scene! NOT WHILE HE’S ON THE FORCE!

00:23:05 Freeman returns to crime scene of Majorly Fat Dead Dude to find GLUTTONY etched into the wall behind the refrigerator. Morgan Freeman will not stand for vandalism any longer!!

00:23:55 With those two clues, Freeman has already figured that the murders must relate to the seven deadly sins because old man Freeman was around when they were established. Freeman even got a say in them! He wanted to add, “Get off my damn lawn!” but it got voted down.

00:24:50 Day 244 and it still rains. No one is concerned.

00:28:01 ‘Old Man’ Freeman goes to the library to do research. While he reads the Divine Comedy and Canterbury Tales for clues on the seven deadly sins, HOT SHOT Pitt pours over crime scene notes. If only they were together, they’d make the perfect team!

Morgan Freeman researches the Divine Comedy and Canterbury Tales

00:30:28 Pitt finally picks up a copy of the Canterbury Tales Cliff Notes. Look, he’s maturing before our eyes!

00:30:57 Freeman, who is supposed to be moved out of Pitt’s new office, hasn’t left. Now we get an awkward ‘sharing desk’ scene and the cute, ‘who answers the phone’ cliche.

00:32:01 What do you mean there’s no cult following for Freeman/Pitt shippers??

00:32:45 Pitt’s wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, invites Morgan Freeman to dinner at their place. What a matchmaker!

00:36:12 Awkward dinner conversation is awkward. Paltrow acts as the conversation driver for Freeman and Pitt.

00:37:40 Paltrow leaves and Pitt/Freeman share their separate notes on the case. They’re bonding!!

00:42:07 Freepitt (or Pittman) are back on the case!

00:44:50 Freepitt reinvestigate murdered defense attorney’s office and believe that the murderer is toying with them. He’s obviously jealous of their rekindled relationship.

00:46:51 After finding new finger prints on the wall, Freepitt fall asleep while waiting for prints to process. The rest of the police unit see them but Freepitt plays it cool when they wake up. You ain’t fooling anyone, Freepitt!

00:49:09 Finger prints are traced and SWAT team is dispatched. It is only Day 1,540 of consistent rain. Should people be less worried about all these murders and freaking the fuck out about all this rain? This is Noah’s Ark biblical status! Maybe these seven deadly sins are not about the murders and are about building an ark. Who’s been dispatched for that??

00:53:13 False alarm. Finger prints were a ploy and the SWAT team uncovers the next sin and murder victim, SLOTH.

00:55:53 So here’s a quick summary on what each seven deadly sin entails:

Lust is an intense desire, such as money, food, sex or power.

Gluttony is an over-indulgence to the point of waste.

Greed is another sin of excess and a pursuit for material possession.

Sloth is physical and spiritual laziness.

Wrath is rage.

Envy is an insatiable desire.

And Pride is considered the most serious of the seven sins. “It is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self (Wikipedia).”

00:58:58 Gwyneth Paltrow asks Freeman to meet up and talk, admits that she is pregnant but hasn’t told Pitt. Paltrow is being such the cock block for Freepitt right now.

Paltrow tells Freeman that she is pregnant with Pitt’s child.

01:06:12 Freepitt argue over the sanity of the murderer, pay FBI dude to get them a list of people who have checked out library books relating to the seven deadly sins.

01:07:57 Freepitt are able to track the library card of a Jonathan Doe to his apartment address. Upon knocking a few times, a man walks up an empty corridor towards them, sees Freepitt and shoots. John Doe’s typically aren’t so lethal!

01:10:02 Pitt auditions for ‘action movie star’ role by chasing John Doe through apartment complex until he is attacked by ninja John Doe with a crowbar, breaking his arm. Doe puts a gun up to Pitt’s head but Freeman comes just in time to chase Doe off.

01:17:15 Freepitt returns to John Doe’s apartment and discover Doe is their guy. Doe has radicalist christianity paraphernalia, photos of the murders and even a photograph of Pitt. Doe obviously gots the hots for Pitt. Freeman withholds his jealousy.

01:20:45 Pitt confirms a drawn police sketch of John Doe, who looks an awful like Walter White. Forensic team fails to find finger prints in John Doe’s apartment.

01:22:33 John Doe phone home! Doe calls his house phone and Pitt picks up. Doe instantly tells Pitt that he thinks he’s cute, stutters and hangs up. He was obviously blushing way too hard to ask Pitt to junior prom.

01:24:08 Okay, so in movie time, it’s only been six days. In my commentary time, we are up to Day 11,342. But it is still fucking raining. Is no one building an ark yet??

01:25:38 Via a photograph pulled from Doe’s apartment, Freepitt track down a prostitute. Upon reaching the club, police have already taped up a crime scene. They find the prostitute dead and LUST etched onto the door.

01:32:09 Other stuff happens. Not to discount any of it, there’s a good bar conversation between Pitt and Freeman about expectations versus reality, apathy versus virtue. It’s just that this commentary is satirical and I can’t really cover those type of ideologies and mock them.

01:33:18 PRIDE

01:34:17 Freepitt returns to office after investigating pride crime scene.

01:34:46 John Doe arrives at police station and turns himself in, covered in blood, screaming the detective’s name.

01:34:48 And it’s Kevin freaking Spacey.

01:36:21 Kevin Spacey is two sins away from finishing all seven deadly sins. He claims that there are two more bodies but he will only show Freepitt.

01:37:05 Spacey once again admits his love for Pitt, this time via lawyer surrogate. Spacey is reallyyy threatening to ruin this Freepitt ship I’ve been pushing.

01:38:00 Spacey’s got Toby Ziegler as his lawyer. So that’s where Toby was before serving in the White House!

01:39:00 Freepitt accepts terms to escort Spacey to the final two bodies in exchange for his confession.

01:40:02 Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt make small talk while shaving their chests, discussing life after the case. I am not even kidding. This is an actual scene.

01:43:05 Spacey preaches about his work, what it means significance-wise to the world. Spacey is obviously trying too hard to impress Pitt, who is unimpressed.

01:43:24 Pitt tells Spacey that he is not special. That he is not a beautiful or unique snowflake. That he is the same decaying organic matter as everything else. And with that, Fight Club was born.

01:44:08 Spacey is making this love rectangle very complicated. Spacey admires Pitt, who loves his wife and secretly admires Freeman. Gwyneth Paltrow is with child but only Freeman knows that Pitt and Paltrow are pregnant. Freeman is quietly humbled by Spacey’s insane dedication and genius but still feels a strong bond with Pitt, who he has now spent a whole week past his retirement date with. Are you all still with me?

01:47:54 Spacey goes on monologue of his acts and a social commentary on the seven deadly sins. Not going to cover all of that, but it’s interesting. Check out plot summaries for Se7en if you’re interested in reading about his reasoning.

01:49:44 Pitt calls Spacey a, “movie of the week, a fucking t-shirt, at best.” Ouch. Spacey doesn’t seem to take the hint that Pitt’s not that into him. Also, what’s the over/under for times Pitt used this same dialogue as a pick up line?

01:51:31 Freeman stops the car in the middle of desert. They take Spacey out of the vehicle and he stumbles them in the direction of his crimes.

Spacey leads Freepitt to his final destination

01:53:15 A white van approaches in the distance. Pitt gets Spacey down on the ground and Freeman goes to intercept the vehicle.

01:54:49 White delivery van has a package for Pitt. Freeman takes it as Pitt/Spacey stare from a distance. The delivery man produces a square box.

01:56:23 Freeman opens the box.

01:56:29 “There’s blood,” says Freeman

01:56:36 Freeman fully opens the box. Gasps.

01:56:45 Turns around and sprints toward Pitt, who still has Spacey under gun point.

01:57:01 Spacey starts monologuing to Pitt about Gwyneth Paltrow as Freeman sprints towards Pitt. “I admire you, Detective,” Spacey begins.

01:57:49 “I went to your home, after you left,” says Spacey, “tried to play husband.”

01:58:03 “It didn’t work out,” Spacey continues as Freeman approaches, “so I took a souvenir. Her.. pretty… head.”

01:58:08 Freeman arrives.

01:58:12 “What was in the box” Pitt asks Freeman, “show me what’s in the box.”

01:58:18 “… because I envy you, Detective,” Spacey maintains, “it seems like ENVY is my sin.”

01:58:21 “…ooooh what’s in the booox,” Pitt ignores Spacey, “what’s in the fucking box!”

01:58:32 “I just told you,” Spacey answers for Freeman.

01:58:39 Pitt threatens to shoot Spacey, Freeman tries to reason with Pitt that Spacey wants to be shot.

01:58:45 “Become,” Spacey endures, “WRATH.”

01:59:00 Spacey breaks the news of Paltrow’s pregnancy to Pitt, only makes things worse. “Oh. You didn’t know?”

01:59:47 “If you kill him,” Freeman speaks calmly, “he will win.”

02:00:17 Pitt kills Spacey.

02:01:04 Pitt is taken away in police car. Freeman’s career is finally over. End of Freepitt.

End Credits

So that’s a wrap on Se7en! Within the confines of an investigation case regarding a serial killer, we also found a massive love rectangle that somehow concludes itself in the end. Out of envy for Pitt, Spacey kills Gwyneth Paltrow. Pitt kills Spacey out of wrath. Freeman breaks up with Pitt, as Pitt must now undergo trial and Freeman finally accepts retirement. We have all grown.

Se7en is a very well done film, I definitely recommend it. Despite all my mocking and sarcasm, it is a very dark movie and very gory. While you do not see any of the actual crimes being committed, you do witness the crime scenes. And it does get weird.

I hope you have enjoyed this commentary for Se7en.

Sources

• Se7en. Dir. David Fincher. Perf. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt. New Line Productions, 1995.
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins
• Cover Image