This is Horror Holiday’s WAR, where we create statistical values for horror movie characters. Before continuing, please check out The Math involved in this calculation and The Concept of what WAR pertains to.
Ironically, for being such a bad ass, Ellen Ripley begins the movie as just one of the entourage on the Nostromo. The film doesn’t really focus on her until everyone starts dying by way of enraged Xenomorph. That’s when Ripley steps up. And boy, does she ever!
She disrupts Bilbo Baggins’ plot to screw the crew and practically rips his robotic face off. Then she jettisons the Xenomorph into the seven different layers of Hell. Plus, she saves a cat! Whatta heroine! And did I mention she carries a freaking flamethrower?
For all of Ripley’s heroics, she does kinda leave her crew to die. She seems pretty self-focused on getting herself out of there, even leaving Captain Viper for dead. That’s not very team player of ya, Ms. Weaver.
All in all, Ripley is a bad ass. And I haven’t even covered her sequel yet!
I’ll try not to be biased in this analysis even though Miss Gillan is my personal hero. In the movie, Karen doesn’t actually do too much to benefit her cause. Sure, she has a ‘fool-proof’ plan to capture the evil Oculus mirror but everything (everything!) falls apart just past the hour mark. And she drags her recently-cured-of-insanity brother in on the procedure. We’re gonna go ahead and say that wasn’t the best idea.
She faces insurmountable odds though and does deserves credit for the research, construction of a solid plan and keeping her sanity for the majority of the film. There was just no way she was defeating that mirror.
She ends up killing her fiance, losing her brother’s mind and her own life by the end of the film. Unfortunately for Karen, she appeared to just be a passenger for Oculus’ terror.
Pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth plays the typical jock in this generic slasher film. Except he’s actually a sociology major on Dean’s list and this isn’t your generic slasher flick.
It’s unfortunate we didn’t get to see the real Hemsworth character. Instead we view him as an asshole jock who’s just looking to get it in with his girlfriend in the middle of the woods. Can we claim, “being drugged,” as an exception to WAR laws? No? Sorry, Chris. Here we go.
Drugged-Dumb-Chris Hemsworth invites his best buds for a weekend away at his cousin’s cabin. Once getting there, the environment appears strange. Chris thinks nothing of it though because his girlfriend is right there and she’s now blonde! It’s the damn American Pie dream!
Hemsworth pursues his dream by being a dick to all of his friends, taking his blonde girlfriend into the woods (where she is killed), leading the Zombie Redneck Torture Family back to the cabin and finally crashing face first into an invisible wall while trying to escape on his dirt bike. While Hemsworth’s last acts were noble and brave, they were also very stupid. And we take off points for stupidity.
Hemsworth displays about 30 seconds of leadership in the film but, before he can act further, Bradley Whitford drugs him once again. Nice knowing ya, Thor.
Murphy awakens from a coma 28 days after a virus outbreak has obliterated the globe. Wish timing. He wanders around downtown London until he meets up with a hipster-esque survival faction. He then grows as a post-apocalyptic survivor up to the point where he becomes as raging as the infected themselves.
While largely ineffective for most of the movie (he basically just goes with the flow, having little effect on the actual story process), he does breakout in the film’s climax. After nearly being executed by a group of soldiers, he returns to the castle where his friends are being held and goes ape-shit to save them from being raped. He unleashes an infected to do his dirty work but he also goes about massacring the soulless-soldiers himself.
Murphy saves his friends and then outlasts the infected apocalypse. Not too shabby for missing the first quarter of the outbreak.
I feel like including both Ben and Ellen Ripley in the same WAR section is unfair, but it’s almost Christmas so happy holidays.
Ben is one of my personal favorites in the horror genre. He is calm under pressure, displays leadership and also knows when it’s time to kick ass. He lights zombies on fire and kicks them, for goodness sake!
He saves Barbra, even though she is unappreciative, and also tries his best to help Cooper, who is just a total dick. Ben single handily locks down an entire house and fights off the horde of zombies.
When morning comes, it is revealed that Ben has survived the night thanks to his brilliance. Upon leaving his hiding place, though, he is shot by a sheriff who had mistaken him as a zombie. Ben dies a tragic death that is not deserved for his character. I’ll admit that I shed a tear for him. Poor dude.
Anyway, Ben is a one man army. He is practically the viewer saying, “don’t go in there!” but in physical cinematic form. The man was brilliant, heroic and strong. It was sad to see you go.
This is Horror Holiday’s WAR, where we create statistical values for horror movie characters. Before continuing, please check out The Math involved in this calculation and The Concept of what WAR pertains to.
We first meet Mr. Goldblum in a crowded bookstore. Upon seeing his friend, Donald Sutherland, he instantly begins ranting about conspiracy theories. He doesn’t even know yet that Sutherland just witnessed someone get brutally murdered by a mass of people.
He later leaves the bookstore and uncovers the first body snatcher body: his own. Afterwards, he promptly decides that it’s a good time to take a nap. This nearly awakens the pod person. His wife wakes him up before this can officially happen though.
Actually, now that I think about it, Goldblum does uncover most of the clues leading up to the pod people reveal. Maybe because he’s a conspiracy theorist? He also (I still don’t know how) discovers that the alien life forms came to Earth via flowers. Sutherland and the others just roll with this concept and hey, it turns out to be legit!
About an hour and 20 minutes in, Goldblum practically sacrifices himself so Sutherland and Elizabeth can stop the body snatchers. So Goldblum may have stumbled into our movie, ranting and raving about God knows what, but dammit he will be of value!
Marion’s an interesting case. She is simply the product of the movie’s mystery. She dies, oh I don’t know, 45 minutes into Psycho? But her actions in Act One are essential for moving the plot forward and discovering Norman Bates’, well, fetish.
Let’s review what Marion does on film: she steals thousands of dollars from a client, runs away, grows paranoid when a cop asks her about her day, lets the paranoia corrode her until she hides out at a sketchy motel and then is murdered.
I have to give her props on stealing from the client and then ditching her hometown Arizona; he plan was really foolproof. She literally escapes right under her boss’ nose! And she would have escaped from the police officer too if she didn’t become all sketch-McGetch. Sorry, Marion, we’ll have to take off for that one.
She later meets Norman Bates and, after some ill-advised flirting, grows cautious of him. Smart. But, as I wrote in my diary log, “we would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being.” That’s not a ringing endorsement. She’s actually one of those aforementioned cases of being more valuable dead than alive. It may be sad but it is true.
It’s freaking Morgan Freeman. In a horror movie! We should feel so blessed. Honored! I would give him a 6 but, I mean, that’d be unfair to other characters.
While Freeman is his typical awesome self, he is not necessarily badass in Se7en. We meet Freeman as a fatigued detective, a few days before he officially retires. He’s simply showing his replacement, Brad Pitt, the ropes when he stumbles on an odd murder case.
After another eerily similar massacre is discovered, Freeman is sucked in. He researches Dante’s Inferno and Canterbury Tales to uncover that these murders relate to the seven deadly sins. Basically, that’s the only thing he does. Sure, he uses his FBI source to find library records but when Pitt and him visit the killer’s apartment, Pitt is nearly killed. And, upon losing the killer in the streets, Freeman warns Pitt not to break into the killer’s apartment without a warrant. Because it’s Brad Pitt, he breaks in anyway and they then find out more about the murderer.
After that, more people die and Freeman and Pitt can’t catch a break. Finally, the killer, Kevin Spacey, turns himself in. But Spacey has an Ace up his sleeve, which ends up being Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretty, little head.
While Freeman performs thorough research and acts as a solid mentor to Pitt (maybeee??) he doesn’t actually save anyone. More people actually die because he wants to do things, “by the book.” In the end, he retires and Pitt is mentally unstable. Spacey practically owned their asses.
So this isn’t really Mike Piazza, the baseball player. He just has the handlebar mustache and is played by an unknown actor. So he’s Mike Piazza in my book.
Piazza is the head security guard at the mall that our survivors hideout at. At first, he’s a controlling dick. He locks survivors up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and tries to play God with his mall. This ultimately backfires and there is an obvious rebellion. He is then imprisoned down below.
Piazza has a change of heart, though, and decides to help the others with his knowledge of the mall’s power system. He eventually progresses beyond this role into full blown hero, helping to save a red head and a dog and then, in the film’s conclusion, blowing up hundreds of zombies and sacrificing himself in order for the others to escape onto a boat.
This was an intriguing character development. Piazza went from being very detrimental to our heroes safety to being one of the more valuable members of the group. Once he got his head right, he proved to be very reliable. He displayed calm under pressure, leadership, sacrifice and, hey, badassery. But unfortunately, the whole movie must be considered. And Piazza hurts himself in that regard.
Trust me, this one will be quick. This whole movie could be quick actually. No one was valuable in this movie. All the characters were merely vehicles for slaughter. Kevin Bacon gets sex (nice) but also neglects to realize his dead friend in the bunk bed above him.
Bacon’s throat is then slit from Mrs. Voorhees who HAD BEEN UNDER THE BED THE ENTIRE TIME! How do you lack that awareness? And these aren’t goddamn tempurpedics either. This is a cot. And you’re having sex on it. Can you not feel another body underneath the cot that entire time you were, well, bouncing around?
Thankfully, Kevin Bacon was pretty independent to the others leading up to his death so he had no major effect on their safety. But his lack of awareness hurt as maybe a last ditch effort to warn his friends that, “hey, there’s a crazy woman under my bunk and a dead body in the one above me,” could have gone a long way of shortening this stupid movie.
How should we perceive WAR in horror films? Well, to put it bluntly, with a grain of salt. Whatever calculations I conceive are not going to be a perfect representation; not even baseball’s statistics are. According to FanGraphs, “WAR is not meant to be a perfectly precise indicator of a player’s contribution, but rather an estimate of their value to date.” For example, the two biggest statistical databases for Major League Baseball are BaseballReference.com and, again, FanGraphs. Both of these sites have separate numerical WAR’s for the same players. It’s largely perception-based on what is considered to have a greater team value (i.e. defense, on-base percentage, home runs, etc).
With that being said, I’d love for people to argue with me. That would be fantastic. Please, let’s debate! If you think I’m wrong, comment below and we can discuss! That’s what this is all about, right? Speculative statistics! Is that an oxymoron?
Also, for those who may not know, these numbers can drop below zero. How? Well, zero is valued as replacement level.
What is Considered Replacement Level?
This may sound a bit grim but replacement level is the behavior of a sane human being. I understand the consequences, situation and settings may be dire but chill out, dude. If your behavior is not only risking your own life but the others around you as well, you are significantly below replacement value.
Let’s put if this way: if the person next to you could turn around and, with a straight face, say, “I wish they had killed you already,” than you are below replacement level.
So What Are We Looking At?
Right! So what should we consider in this statistic?
Cool Under Pressure
Simply put, how does the character react to an ever-escalating situation of chaos? Do they think rationally? Do they panic? Do they fall into a catatonic state? Do they freak out so irrationally that they put others in danger? This is a key baseline for WAR.
Navigation/Use of Surroundings
Basically known as the Boy Scout rule: what can you make with what you’ve got before you? Are you going to board up those windows or are you going to sit in a corner and cry?
Leadership
Does the character take control or do they run about like a chicken with their head cut off?
Helpfulness
Now this one may sound a bit weird but I feel like it’s important. If one of your own just can’t take it anymore, do you help them cope and get back on track? How well do you perform in your perceived role?
Badassery
Are you reving and waving a chainsaw high above your head or are you digging a hole with your hands? Simple enough, right?
Body Count
Of course, we have to give special consideration to the characters who actually fight back and stack villains atop each other. That’s a high value there!
Brains
Not eating of brains, weirdo. Like intelligence. Does the character’s actions make the audience facepalm? If yes, then they’re probably doing it wrong.
Context
So what are our borders? We’re going to say a WAR of 6 is legendary. That’s the maximum number for the statistic.
5 WAR is still great. Like, they’d be considered for an All Star team if they ever had one for horror heroes.
3-4 WAR is good. Like, they’re the Robin to Batman. They have some key moments at crucial points but they’re not technically superhero-type of status.
1-2 WAR is helpful. You’re doing your best out there. You are a valued member of this survival group but if you were the head honcho? Well, I don’t think y’all would make it.
0 WAR is replacement level. Like, you are no help. You’re not costing anything but you’re also not helping the chances of survival.
And a Negative WAR is like, come on dude, just die already. Your death may actually produce a higher WAR than your living state right now.
Alright!!
So that’s how we’re going to construct HORRWAR! That was really lame, sorry.
I am working on some characters currently and I hope to release about 5 characters each week. It’ll just be 5 random characters, not a worst to best. I will be putting the statistics into an excel sheet though so, by the end, we’ll have a reference guide.
Oh and the characters used will only be the ones I covered thus far on Horror Holiday. So when more movies are added, more characters will come into consideration.
Many baseball fans already understand the concept of W.A.R. But for those unfamiliar with the term, that’s alright; I’m here for you. And honestly, nobody really knows what it means, we all just act like we do.
WAR is an acronym for Wins Above Replacement. According to FanGraphs (because if we are doing this, we’re doing this right!), “Wins Above Replacement is an attempt by the sabermetric baseball community to summarize a player’s total contributions to their team in one statistic.” It goes on to state that you should not entirely evaluate a player using a single metric but I’m going to pretend it doesn’t. WAR is the be all, end all. Deal with it.
Why am I talking about baseball and sabermetrics? Well, if you’ve read/seen Moneyball, you’d know that the Oakland Athletics used innovative statistics to evaluate their players in ways previously unseen in the sport. That’s what we’re doing here. But instead of baseball, we’re using horror movies.
That’s right. We’re leveling the playing field and creating an all-knowing statistic to evaluate some of our favorite heroes, vile villains and down-right stupid characters.
WELCOME TO WAR, BABY! This is about to be a whole new ball game, Horror!
00:00:00 Because you’re cold, I’m cold, everyone’s cold and it’s almost Christmas, we’re covering Dead Snow. Or, for you Norwegians (does Norway read my stuff?) Død snø. ‘Nazi Zombies buried underneath ice have come back to life to terrorize a bunch of teenagers on their holiday.’ That’s the plot. Oh and the entirety of this movie is subtitled.
I have never done subtitles on Horror Holiday before. When I typically write these things (I don’t even know how to categorize these diary logs honestly. Comedy? No. Horror? No. Unnecessary? Hmmmm), I need to pause the movie to finish writing my thoughts, press play, watch and then pause again. A 90 minute movie can take me almost three hours. So given the foreign linguistics of this film, I’m going to take a lot of creative liberties. Bear with me.
Without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Dead Snow.
00:00:02 I know that the ‘nazi zombie’ concept gained significant recognition following it’s Call of Duty video game introduction but are there actually fanatics? Like, nazi zombies die hards? I know it sounds crazy but there are some fierce subgenre battles between ‘zombies’ and ‘infected.’ Is there a message board out there in the gutters of the internet shouting, “it’s not a nazi zombie unless they strictly served in World War II. World War I Kaiser zombies are simply bullshit!”
00:01:02 We open the film set in a cold, dark forest. The trees are barren of their leaves and look like they could use a good blanket. A young boy runs as if being chased. Finally, he stops and checks for his follower. He waits. Then BOO! Nazi Zombie!
He continues his flight, multiple Nazi Zombies in pursuit. He ends up tumbling down a hill and breaking his leg. The Zeds catch up and eat him.
DEAD SNOW
00:03:09 Mid Afternoon, I’m assuming the next day: a car drives down a desolate road (how many fucking times have I wrote that line to open up a horror movie?)
00:03:57 Four men ride along in the vehicle. They toy around with the radio and speak some Scandinavian language; not sure which.
00:05:02 I just missed about three minutes of subtitled dialogue while typing. I’m scraping the original script already: Welcome to Dead Snow Redux, where the dialogue doesn’t matter. I only care about pictures and pretty images now!
00:05:20 Another car drives down the same road. This one is full with three woman and luggage. One is blonde, another is dreaded, another is neither.
00:05:56 I guess they’re gossiping about the boys in the other car. The blonde lady makes dog noises, signifying someone is horny. I don’t know who though, I missed the subtitles.
00:06:48 The vehicles stop next to a frozen river. The crew gear up in jackets, hats, goggles, etc. Norway is fucking cold, man. One guy gets on a snow mobile, says some things, then drives away. The others walk. Did they at least rock-paper-scissor for the opportunity to take the snowmobile?
00:08:15 As the less fortunate walk, they converse about stuff. Hold on one second, let’s see if I can catch some of this dialogue.
Nice view.
00:08:40 Oh wait, they’re talking about big budget horror movies? Is this supposed to be meta? Did they just cast the Scandinavian Jamie Kennedy?
00:09:32 Snowmobile dude drives up to a log cabin and stops. He looks around but nothing can be seen for miles. Are his friends walking all this way? Is this vacation really worth it?
Anyway, Snowmobile dude enters and starts a fire.
00:10:44 Finally, the others make it to the cabin. I have to imagine that they’re exhausted, pissed off and need at least a dozen beers for sake of hydration.
00:11:27 Nope. Now they’re snow tubing with a tube latched behind the snowmobile. Afterwards, they have a snowball fight. Punk Rock music plays in the background. I don’t know what this all means.
00:12:36 Night falls. The crew gathers in the cabin to play Twister. Horny blonde lady must be amped.
00:13:17 Okay, so let’s knock out some characters: We have Dreads, Blonde, and Neither as the girls. Then there is Four Eyes, Ashton Kutcher, Dudeee and some other guy who looks like a knock-off James Corden. That’s all I got for you. Effort levels are truly sinking here. Merry Christmas.
00:13:44Four Eyes flirts with Dreads by attempting to suffocate her with a pillow in front of all his friends. I don’t think that works too well in the long run, Four Eyes.
00:13:55Dreads kicks him off. He goes JK. She isn’t too keen on his humor.
00:14:30 Later at night, Blonde wanders out to the outhouse. The others play some sort of card game.
Corden leaves the table to check the fridge. Upon inspection, he finds beer. “MMMM beer,” he says in English. This is the only English-spoken line in the entire movie. Enjoy it!
00:15:28Blonde finishes up in the outhouse but hears strange noises coming from outside. “Hello?” No answer. She begins to tip toe back to the cabin but is disturbed by a figure in the woods.
Blonde runs back to warn the others but, upon hearing her story, call her a fool. A FOOL!
Dudeee walks outside to disprove her claim but runs directly into an old hooded man. He asks for coffee and then proceeds to chill out on their couch.
00:17:35 The old man takes a sip of his coffee. “Who made this?”
“I did,” says Dreads, “it’s organically grown. Do you like it?”
“No, I don’t.”
But thanks for the free coffee!!!
00:18:14 To wash down the awful coffee, Old Man cracks a beer. The crew looks on with concern. Is this guy going to bum it on the couch or something? Because if that’s the case, you gotta kick him out now.
Old Man continues the awkward small talk by asking what they’re doing this weekend in the middle of nowhere. In the time I typed that sentence, I missed their answer. Nice going, Kyle.
Old Man may stick around all weekend!
00:19:31 Oh wait, now the Old Man is lecturing about some old german soldiers being stationed nearby. I didn’t miss the important part! Let’s just assume that the teenagers are out in the middle of the woods to play Twister and gag each other with pillows all weekend.
00:21:22 Old Man is still telling his ghost story. Something, something, nazi germans are possessed by the devil and are a big fucking deal, something. Old Man rolls a joint during this entire lecture and begins smoking. Just making himself right at home I guess. Don’t invite old men into your house, ladies and gentlemen.
Finally, the Old Man announces that he must depart. The gang relinquishes a sigh of relief. As he’s leaving, Dudeee makes a comment. For some reason, this offends the Old Man and he grabs him by the throat. Old Man says something then leaves.
00:24:37 This diary log is going to sound batshit crazy, isn’t it? Sorry for that. Stay tuned or check out some other movie write-ups; it gets better, I promise!
00:25:41Ashton Kutcher wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders around the cabin. He opens the front door and to peek outside. A woman in a red jacket is standing a few feet away. She vomits blood and reaches towards him.
But he wakes up. It was just a dream. This is stupid.
00:26:56 Meanwhile, the Old Man has pitched his tent in the middle of the woods. It’s snowing and appears really cold. I don’t know this man’s business but he should probably quit. Like, right now.
Anyway, he’s hanging out in his tent, probably getting high again, when he hears a noise from outside. He investigates with his flashlight.
Old Man becomes infatuated with a dark figure deep in the woods. He stares but his throat is suddenly slashed by, I don’t fucking know, a really fast thing. Like, I’m not kidding, Old Man was staring into the woods when, out of fucking nowhere, something flashes across the screen and then he begins bleeding profusely from his throat. I guess the Flash is fucking zombified now. Probably would make a better movie than this currently.
All in all, Old Man dies.
00:30:36 The next day at the cabin, the gang horses around with snowmobiles. Apparently they have uncovered multiple snowmobiles now? I don’t know. One of the dudes, Corden, attempts to jump his over some cliff edge. More punk rock blazes in the background. He tumbles down it but survives. He pumps his fist in the air like Travis fucking Pastrana and the onlooking girls cheer him on. Bro, you just wiped out. That wasn’t cool at all.
Dudeee has the other snowmobile and he’s chosen to use his free-time to drive atop a cliff and eat lunch. While eating, he notices the Old Man’s tent posted up nearby. He investigates but finds the man dead and rotting inside.
00:34:20 Back at the cabin, the others find a jewelry box full of gold coins. That’s it. End scene. Corden goes woahhhh then grabs another beer and pounds it down his gut.
00:35:34Dudeee continues further into the snowy wasteland yelling, “Sara.” I don’t know who Sara is. He then falls into a hole. What??
“I am so hiring a new agent once I’m down with this film.”
00:36:33 The gang have decided to wear some of the golden jewelry that they have discovered. They also pound more beers. Corden excuses himself to go to the outhouse. Shortly after he leaves, Neither finds him. And you thought I forgot about Neither!
Neither and Corden have sex in the outhouse. Apparently the gold made them all really horny. The gold must be possessed! Is that the theme of this fucking movie?
00:38:44Corden returns to the house sans Neither. When the gang asks him if he’s seen her, he simply shotguns a beer and burps. Nice, asshole.
00:39:42Neither remains in the outhouse. I don’t know why. Something watches her from outside. Finally, it sneaks underneath and drags her into the toilet. This is weird.
She climbs back out and limps away, crying for help. The gang doesn’t hear her though because they’re playing more punk music. Punk Rock is the enemy!
Finally, they pause the music and notice Neither’s shrieking. Dread walks outside to investigate but, just before Dread can open the door, FLASH ZOMBIE takes Neither.
Now you’re here, now you’re not. FLASH ZOMBIE!!!
00:42:46 What even is a Nazi Zombie anyway? Flash Zombie is totally cooler. If this movie continues to claim Nazi Zombies have Flash-like speed, I’m discrediting them from the zombie subgenre. Yes, I have this power! Get at me, Nazi Zombie Message Boards!
00:44:18 The guys go outside to investigate based on Dread’s uneasiness. Nothing happens. They return to the cabin to argue.
For some reason, Dread peers out a window and a figure reaches through the glass and grabs her. Blonde saves Dread.
00:46:03 The boys retrieve all the guns in the cabin, which is apparently a lot. Like, they have an entire armory of weapons on stock now. Where did they even buy this cabin? They check outside and there is now an army of Nazi Zombies. The boys begin boarding up all the windows.
“Rawrrrrr! We don’t know how we’re here but we’re going to kill anyway!”
00:47:33 Despite boarding up the windows, Corden decides it’s cool if he stands next to one because reasons. A Nazi Zombie reaches in, grabs his head and rips it apart.
00:48:48 Alright, so now we’re back with Dudeee and he’s still stuck in the hole. But this hole is significantly bigger than a hole. It turns out to be a tunnel system? He escapes somehow by climbing out.
00:49:35 And now we’re back in the cabin. The gang is huddled up in a corner and conversing with each other. Apparently the Nazi Zombies have chosen to forego their previously seen Flash-like speed killing.
Alright, I’m scrapping the diary log mid-movie. Woahhh, right?? Shit’s crazy! I can’t follow this movie because: 1) I can’t keep track of the subtitles while typing, 2) this movie is really, very stupid, and 3) I have been drinking.
I’ll continue to rattle off major events and deaths as they occur but I’m not going to follow persistently. It’d just be a waste of your time and my buzz.
So, what to talk about? Let’s discuss ‘Flash Zombie’ for a little bit because this movie is, what? 93 minutes long? Shit, still have a while to go. Anyway! Flash Zombie! Is this possible? No. Can I still discuss it? Yes!
In case you don’t understand the reference, The Flash is a superhero who is really fast. Like, lightning fast. That’s all I can describe him as because I never actually read his comics. But what if he became a zombie, right? Would he still have his speed powers in the not-so-after-life?
This stems into the zombie versus infected argument. 28 Days Later introduced us to the infected subgenre of zombie films; they were the first ‘quick’ zombies. They were created because zombies just weren’t doing it for audiences in the early 2000’s….
Movie update: Dudeee is currently having a boxing match with a Nazi Zombie.
… so director Danny Boyle decided to make them fast. “That’ll bring fear back to the subgenre.” But then the classification went sideways thanks to the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Director Zack Snyder made his zombies fast and he legitimately called them zombies. Boyle at least called his infected. So perhaps Snyder can be credited with the introduction of the fast zombie? But I digress.
Zombies were first introduced as a villain with George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. They were slow and methodical. The danger resided in the accumulation of zombies. The more zombies there were, the less space there was to run; hence, you became overrun. The fast zombies were like a cheat code in Dawn of the Dead: Snyder had a lot of ‘em and they were all track stars. Like, come on, I bet more than 75% of those guys weren’t half that fast as living humans. Is the zombie gene a new form of steroid?
See what I mean? This could be a dilemma.
Oh, and Blonde just got her gut ripped open by Nazi Zombies.
So yeah, the basic argument is: are fast zombies still considered zombies? Or are they an anomaly and a misunderstanding of the original concept of zombies?
That took longer than I expected. Still have 25 minutes left of movie. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. It’s basically the gang all separated and being hunted by a horde of Nazi Zombies. Except these zombies are militarized, strategized and can think for themselves. They’re not actually zombies at all. This is all really, very stupid.
Oh, and Dread just died. She ended up being chased to the edge of a snow ledge by a single zombie. She stops, smirks at the zombie bro and begins jumping up and down to cause an avalanche. She does and both of them die. Trust me, you’re better off reading something else. I’m only writing still because I need to provide something in the way of content for this movie. I just never realized how bad it could be.
Ummm, what else? This has really turned blog-like, hasn’t it? I’ve been trying to keep away from that. Just so you all know, I am aware these entries are way too long for a blog. I just, I don’t know, want to create good, original content. I have a great time writing about horror movies but I also want to produce solid content…
WAIT! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Dread’s alive??? She somehow digs herself out of the avalanche. What the hell?
Anyway, about producing content. I feel like horror movies have given birth to a sort of community. A lot of these films are influenced by each other which make them easy to reference. And because there’s a sort of rule book to construct a horror movie, that makes it even more relatable. But horror movies are also born from ridiculous concepts. And that’s fan-fucking-tastic. With the ridiculous story and absence of physics, logic, whatever, the imagination can roam around realms untouched by other movie genres.
So that’s why I created this blog: to poke fun, to mock, to have fun watching horror movies and also contribute my own tales in the process.
Creativity!!!
Dudeee is dead. He just got stabbed, in a choreographed fashioned, by seven Nazi Zombies. They then, in sync, lifted him up and tore his limbs off. Like the fucking Rockettes. I am so glad I gave up covering this film half an hour ago.
“And cut! Perfectly synchronized, gentlemen! This will look great on Broadway!”
Alright, so I apologize for not posting as much content post-October. I’ve just been drawn away by a number of different things, whether that be life, job searching, other blogs that I run, etc. Probably the thing I’ve been working on most is a screenplay. It’s nearly finished; I’m currently on the 4th draft. I’ve been very knit picky.
Dread finally died. Ashton Kutcher stabbed her by accident.
The screenplay resides within the horror film realm but also mixes in science fiction and comedy. I’ve really enjoyed putting it together. We’ll see where that goes.
But I have plans laid out for Horror Holiday. I’m going to produce more diary logs, that’s a certain, but I also want to create a shared universe type of thing. Like, have articles that are self referential to previous content. That’s probably the best way to describe it: articles about horror films that I’ve covered.
I’ve been working on that off and on and I think I’ll launch one of the concepts after New Years. So keep posted on that.
So I guess Ashton Kutcher got bit in the arm. He decided to amputate to avoid being zombified (if that even happens in this universe. I think it’s a prerequisite to be a Nazi first). Anyway, he amputates but then a Nazi Zombies rises from beneath and bites his dick. Another source of infection? I don’t know.
Alright, 10 minutes left. So we covered the zombie subgenre argument, my apology for not posting as much content as I wished, the future of Horror Holiday, what else?
Four Eyes just died. He got his intestines stuck on a tree. I don’t know how that’s supposed to work but, nonetheless, Ashton Kutcher is the last one alive.
Okay, quick preview of the article types! I’m thinking of creating a statistical category for horror movie characters, kind of like baseball sabermetrics. I think that’d be a cool twist on how we analyze movies; creating a balanced playing field and finding a true player value. See, mom, I AM making my sports management major useful!!
King of Baseball Sabermetrics…And probable Queen of Horror Sabermetrics.
And then another idea I had is to create Head2Head match ups between two different villains, characters, etc. So these are much more speculation based concepts and articles. They’ll be interesting to construct.
Ashton Kutcher finally makes it back to his vehicle. He struggles to buckle his seat belt (why!?) with his severed arm but then drops the keys. Upon retrieving them, he realizes he’s become surrounded by the entirety of the Third Reich. The screen goes to black and more punk rock plays over the credits. Red out Ashton Kutcher’s name please!
So that’s a wrap on Dead Snow! This was awful. Sorry about that. Hopefully you clicked out long ago. If not, I hope you enjoyed some random babbling. I owe y’all more content and you’ll get it.
To conclude, watch good horror movies; don’t be like me. Mistakes were made, prices were paid and now I wish a Flash Zombie actually existed. Only in my dreams.
Sources
Dead Snow. Dir. Tommy Wirkola. Perf. Jeppe Beck Laurson, Charlotte Frogner. Eurforia Film, 2009.
00:00:00 I don’t really know too much about this movie except that it’s good and it’s kind of meta. So with that, let’s get under way!
Horror Holiday presents You’re Next!
00:00:01 I also read that the screenwriter of this movie, Simon Barrett, also co-wrote a film called V/H/S about burglars breaking into a house to find sadistic tapes of the home owners brutal serial killing. That sounds hilarious and amazing. Is my humor too dark? Anyway, the movie’s starting now.
00:01:02 We fade in, like any good horror movie, to a sex scene! Can’t make a horror film without the obligatory sex scene. They finish and the man leaves to shower. The woman puts on some clothes and wanders out of the room. We’re officially putting her odds of survival within these next five minutes at (+350). Bet at your own risk.
00:02:09 She enters the kitchen, partly nude. Partial nudity increases the odds of her death, unfortunately. We got a POV from outside the house, in the woods, watching her. Long time, no see, Mrs. Voorhees!
00:02:20 She senses something; the unusual feeling of being watched. She opens the sliding glass door and peers out but nothing. She resumes her normal Tuesday activities, which happen to be blasting loud music throughout her house and drinking whiskey on the rocks.
00:03:37 The man continues to shower. He finally exits and takes a swig from an unoccupied whiskey glass. Ew dude, you don’t know where that’s been!
00:04:01 He glances over his shoulder, out the window and into the woods. He senses something strange as well. Man, this couple have some kick ass sixth sense because I can guarantee, as a regular horror viewer, shit’s about to go down! It’s just too bad they’re about to die and they couldn’t have used their sixth sense for, like, good and all.
00:04:17 The man strides over to the glass balcony door. In blood, “You’re Next” is streaked across. Beyond the glass, laying on the balcony is his wife, girlfriend, or prostitute. He slowly backs away but is struck by an intruder equipped with an animal farm mask. The intruder takes his machete and slices his victim.
I know that he’s a serial killer and all with a sadistic sense of fashion, but he’s really pretty cocky about calling out his next victim. “Pfff you’re next, bro. No, no, I promise, you are next. There’s a list and it must be done in chronological order.”
00:05:00 We transition to day, a Jeep Patriot drives down a desolate, country road. A couple ride in the vehicle. They gossip about neighbors.
“You hear Tommy from down the street is addicted to heroin now?”
“That’s nice, honey.”
00:05:57 The vehicle comes to a stop in front of a lovely brick house. They unpack and the man goes to unlock the door. “That’s funny,” he pauses, “it’s already open.”
00:06:37 They enter. Furniture is draped in white sheets so it appears that this is a vacation home of sorts. The man takes one look around the entry way. “It doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here,” he shrugs. Man, if only the couple from earlier could transfer their sixth sense to others.
00:07:03 Another car rides along windy roads, nighttime. A bearded man and a pretty woman sit in the front seats. The woman asks about the bearded man’s father. The man admits that his dad is retired from a defense contractor, KPG.
“Why? Is that a problem for you, babe? Having dinner with fascists?”
“No, no,” the woman laughs.
00:07:59 The woman’s name is Erin. They haven’t mentioned it yet but for the sake of coherency, her name is Erin.
00:08:00 We get a full exterior view of the vacation home and holy shit. This thing is massive and beautiful. Can I be retired from KPG too?
00:08:30 Within the house, the mother finishes cleaning. She’s startled from a thud upstairs. Then her husband abruptly steps in the room, talking about a furnace and shit, only startling her more. Jeez dude, stop giving your wife heart attacks; one jump scare at a time, please.
00:08:38 “You didn’t hear those footsteps upstairs?” The man shakes his head. “Oh no, we have to get out of here!” the wife panics. Wow. I applaud you, ma’am, for being amazing at avoiding horror movies. Oh, a noise that doesn’t belong to me or you? Let’s get the fuck out of here!
00:08:57 “Aubrey, no. You go outside, I’ll check the upstairs,” says her husband, Paul.
00:09:19 She argues but eventually lets him go because she knows that we need at least some conflict and intensity to make this a worthwhile horror movie. Aubrey knows her horror shit.
00:10:17Paul checks the rooms, one by one, in the slowest and tensest way possible. Paul goes to open a closet door but is startled by his son and guest, Crispian.
“Hey dad!”
“NOT NOW SON, GODDAMNIT!”
00:11:26Paul and Crispian head downstairs. The camera pans over to the closet door as it creaks open slightly. More guests!!
Crispian’s hobbies include playing hide n’ seek and scaring the shit out of his dad when he least expects it.
00:12:07 They go outside to retrieve Crispian’s bawling mother and meet Erin, Crispian’s girlfriend, fiance, or prostitute.
00:13:23 “Your folks seem cool,” Erin later converses with Crispian in their bedroom. “Some people would kill to have parents like yours.” Crispian tells her that the rest of his siblings will be in tomorrow for his parents anniversary.
00:14:22Aubrey wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders throughout the mansion. Maybe she doesn’t know all the rules to horror…
00:14:51 We get another Mrs. Voorhees POV shot from outside the house, staring in on Aubrey. Nothing happens though. She walks out of the kitchen after her glass of water, shuts the lights off and we arrive at morning.
Don’t wander around the house at night, Aubrey! You know the rules to this game!
00:15:41Crispian wakes up late and his siblings have already met Erin. The brother turns to Crispian. “Good morning. Ever see kangaroos fight?” Then he goes about attempting to sexually assault Crispian like a kangaroo. Good morning indeed.
00:16:44 The brother, Drake, proceeds to gossip about how Crispian used to be fat. Man, this Drake is one hell of a brother!
00:17:33Erin tries to make nice with her future mother-in-law (always a scary prospect. If they made a whole movie like that, it’d be horrifying!) Aubrey asks if she can see if the neighbor can loan some milk. I feel like I’ve heard that pick up line before but that was in college.
00:18:17Erin wanders out the back door to find Paul and sons working on some barbecue. She takes their picture and reveals a somewhat British accent. Sorry, Karen Gillan, Sharni Vinson’s giving you some competition now!
There’s going to be a lot of Sharni Vinson pictures. That’s just something you’ll have to come to terms with.
00:19:10Crispian and his father discuss Crispian’s career prospects. Crispian didn’t get a fellowship or something. “Too many applicants,” he adds. Considering he has a beard and could qualify as a hobbit, I’m going to sit here and imagine him being denied for the Fellowship of the Ring.
“Fucking Christ, we already have four hobbits! That’s enough,” – – Gandalf the Grey 2:13
00:19:39Drake heads upstairs to check on his wife, Kelly. “Where’d your brother find that girl?” Kelly asks of Erin. I don’t know but I’d love to know this information.
00:19:45 “I think she’s kind of annoying.” You shut your mouth when you’re speaking of Erin!
00:19:59Drake gets touchy feely with Kelly. Apparently kangaroo fighting has really turned him on. Kelly isn’t having it though. Drake stares at her like a serial killer would. Not sure if that’s the best way to get in your wife’s pants, Drake.
00:20:10 He walks away. “We got any vicodin?” Because when stalker eyes don’t work, result to pain killers! What a stud!
00:20:14Erin wanders down a dirt road towards the neighbors house. Aubrey must have sent her on a half mile walk for this fucking milk. She knocks on the door, music radiates from within the house. We see the CD player repeat the track, over and over again.
“Is anyone home?” Erin calls. The dead man from the beginning sits on the couch, still naked and still dead.
00:21:43 Night again. More siblings arrive with their significant others. Aubrey greets her daughter Aimee and son Felix. She also meets their boyfriends, girlfriends, prostitutes; Tariq and Zee, respectively.
This whole family has handsome, beautiful significant others and I’m over here like, where the fuck are they finding these people? Is it the goddamn KPG?? And why doesn’t anyone have normal names besides Erin!!!
00:22:02Aubrey welcomes Zee, who greets her with a nod and a toke from her cigarette. First impressions aren’t that important, right?
00:22:54 The new arrivals meet the others in the dining room. Beautiful people galore!! “I just want you all to know,” Aubrey starts, “how wonderful it is for you all to be here on our 35th anniversary.” Fucking wonderful! Your children are all attractive and paired up with other attractive, probably rich people and they’re all here celebrating your successful marriage in your goddamn vacation mansion. Mazel tov. I need a fucking drink.
00:23:14 If my sorrow wasn’t enough, the movie shows another exterior shot of the mansion. It’s even bigger than I thought! *chugs rest of Merlot*
00:23:21 The family gathers for dinner. Before their massive fireplace, they say a prayer.
00:24:14 The siblings discuss and get to know each others significant others. Drake talks about commercials and how great they are, is an asshole. No one likes commercials, Drake! And don’t be giving BIG ADVERTISING any ideas now, you hear???
00:25:06 Now that Drake has properly humiliated Tariq, the underground documentarist, he turns his attention to Erin and Crispian, who are having too far of a good time for his liking. Hmm, hmmm what could really make me an asshole here?
“So Erin, are you still in school?” Nailed it!
00:25:10 “Yes, yes I am,” Erin answers proudly, “I’m finishing my last year of my masters in literature.”
00:25:20 The family gives joyous congrats. ‘That’s not good enough, Drake!’ says Drake’s inner monologue.
“So then, were you a student of Crispian?”
‘Yes, yes, that’s better! Totally gonna watch some kangaroo porn later and stare at my wife as she sleeps!’ – – That second part was my imagined Drake inner monologue, which doesn’t actually exist. Yes, something may be wrong with me.
00:25:23 “I was but not anymore,” Erin responds.
Drake nods and mumbles something into his wine glass.
“What was that?” Crispian challenges.
“Huh?”
“You said unprofessional, is there something you want to say?”
“Nope, no. Just agreeing with you.”
Things begin to get heated. Not so perfect anymore, are we, family???
Shouting erupts about judgment and who should judge who. Guys, guys! I’m right here, judging you all myself. Let me be the one to, um, judge.
(Are you guys uncomfortable with me breaking the 4th wall? Because I love it.)
00:26:25 “You are so jealous of me,” Drake jabs. Our 25 year old adult characters are now being portrayed by teenagers. Enjoy!
00:26:29 Documentarist Tariq is not impressed with this nonsense. He sits, staring forward, face laid on fist. His head cocks. He notices something unusual. The sixth sense has been transferred to this young padawan!
He abruptly rises from the table and strides towards the window. He stares. “Oh shit.”
An arrow penetrates Tariq’s forehead.
Oh no, Tariq. Your head! It’s… grown an arrow!!
00:27:17 The family stops arguing and witnesses Tariq as he falls. Please tell me you got that on tape! A documentarist’s last moments and you didn’t have a fucking camera rolling??
00:27:27 The family screams and scatters from the dining room table. More arrows fly through the window. Drake jolts up to pull his mother out of harm’s way but is pierced in the back by an arrow.
00:28:46Erin gathers the panicking family behind some cover. Paul tries his cell phone but receives no service. “They must be using a cell phone jammer,” Felix shouts from his position across the room. “You can get them on the internet for like 30 bucks.” Holy fuck, what a bargain!! Thanks Felix@amazon.com!
00:28:53 “Felix, you fucking low life,” whines a withering Drake. Apparently an arrow to the knee, ahem, back can’t stop Drake from insulting people.
00:29:01 An arrow blasts through the glass and into the family portrait. Symbolism! The family screams more, as if the portrait acted as a bonded nerve amongst them.
00:29:46 The family ducks and run, one by one, until only Erin remains in the dining room. She inspects her surroundings and grabs a fire iron. She narrowly escapes an arrow and dives into the other room.
00:30:40Drake begs for more pain killers which, actually, is now an appropriate time to take pain killers. Character development or…
00:31:14Felix offers that the fastest runner should run out to the cars and get help. Drake and Crispian then begin arguing about who the fastest runner. Conflict, tragedy, murder; nothing can bring these two together!
00:31:25Aimee sobs uncontrollably. “Nobody gives me credit for anything,” she complains through tears about her ability as a runner. Poor Aimee. Let’s give this one to her, guys, she needs it right now.
“Nobody’s running, okay?” Erin settles the dispute. But, but, what about Aimee’s feelings??
00:31:32 Apparently Erin’s assertion is being disregarded. “We believe in you, sweetie,” Paul props up his little girl!
“I mmm my mmmm,” Aimee mumbles in between sobs, “best time mmmmmm is 23 mmmmmm.”
00:32:12Aimee rises and removes her heels (the real enemy here!). Paul and Felix man the doors, prepping them to unleash Aimee, the 23 something time runner! Prepare yourselves, murderers!
Aimee gets her running start. We go slow motion. Look at that acceleration!! The doors swing free. Aimee’s throat is torn open.
00:33:06 As the family gathers round bleeding out track star Aimee, Erin inspects the door. There’s a barbed wire strung across the entry way at neck height.
00:33:29Aimee dies. I mean, counting slow motion, it was about 23 seconds or so. I think we have to give it to her, guys.
00:33:48Erin looks on as the last of her blood trickles out of Aimee’s body. She turns and bolts up the stairs.
Crispian follows.
00:34:07Erin begins locking the house the fuck down. Night of the Living Dead’s Ben would be proud. She runs into Crispian and tells him that texting 911 will be received by authorities as a voicemail. She tries but no data service is available.
Erin runs back downstairs. She checks on Drake. “It’s okay, I can’t feel it anymore.” Either that’s the drugs and, good! Or that’s really, really bad.
00:35:02Erin locks the front door. Crispian comes back down the stairs. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”
“You’ve never seen me in this type of situation,” she answers.
00:35:22Paul brings a distraught Aubrey up the stairs and to bed. He turns off the lights and leaves the room. Aubrey sobs.
A hand sneaks out from underneath her bed. The figure rises to reveal it’s animal farm mask. The Wolf-masked man raises his machete and swings.
00:37:26 The family hears a scream and runs up the staircase. Erin continues locking down the house until another animal masked man reaches through the window and grabs her. As if instinct, she stabs the man in the arm with a butcher’s knife. See what a masters in literature can get you?
Erin scrambles for another weapon but when she turns back around, the animal man is gone.
00:38:19 The family breaks into the room to find Aubrey‘s face macheted and and “You’re Next” bloodily written upon the wall. There goes Wile E. Coyote again, calling his shot. If his cartoon counterpart were as vindictive, the road runner would be fucked.
Paul freaks out and his sons cradle him as he cries.
00:39:30Kelly stays behind in Aubrey’s room. She looks around for evidence of the murderer. She finds the window wide open so she shuts it.
Kelly returns to the bed and peeks underneath. Wile E. Coyote goes boo! Kelly runs out of the room screaming, down the stairs, past a catatonic Paul and out the door.
“Kelly!” her husband shouts. Drake runs after her. Kelly ducks underneath the barbed wire and so does Drake but Drake forgets there’s a goddamn arrow in his back so the arrow gets ripped further down his body. He faints at the doorstep.
00:41:04Kelly continues running into the woods. A hidden figure admires her pace. And Aimee was the one bragging about her 40 time! Nonetheless, the hidden figure follows Kelly further into the woods.
00:41:57 Back at the mansion, Crispian lays out his plan: he’ll go get the car (because, by God, Kelly isn’t going to mock him with her sprinting speed!), swing it around and Erin, Felix and Zee will carry Drake and Paul to it.
“I’ll be right back,” Crispian promises Erin. Can we get a Jamie Kennedy shout out up in here?
Erin offers Crispian her butchers knife. He leaves and she shuts the door behind him.
00:42:23Kelly’s half mile time trial brings her to a neighboring cabin. Sound familiar? It’s because it belongs to the dead naked man, that’s why!
She runs to the sliding glass door and, seeing the still dead and naked man propped up on the couch, begins pounding on the door.
Noticing a reflection, she turns and is punched in the face by a Lamb-faced murderer. She falls through the sliding glass and, finally, the music escapes the confines of the house and is shared with all of us!
*covering ears* IT’S SO FUCKING LOUD!!!
00:43:26Crispian finds the vehicles disabled by the attackers. He sighs.
00:43:53 Meanwhile, MORE LOUD MUSIC. KELLY DESPERATELY CRAWLS AS HER ATTACKER FOLLOWS. HE THROWS HER THROUGH A GLASS TABLE (IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE FUCKING MADE OF GLASS?) AND GOLF SWINGS HIS AX INTO THE SIDE OF HER HEAD.
The music ends. I’m not sure if you heard me, but Kelly just got got with a 5 iron. The CD repeats. Fucking Christ.
Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a deep breath, admires his work (that’s a hole in one, I’d say!) and sits down on the couch next to dead, naked guy.
“So what’s on HBO tonight?”
00:45:38 Back at the mansion, Crispian and others discuss a new plan. “I’m going to go to the neighbors,” he offers. Don’t go to the neighbors, dude. But, if you do, bring ear plugs because THE MUSIC IS FUCKING LOUD THERE!
Crispian once again promises Erin he’ll be right back. You’re running out of your nine lives, dude.
00:47:14Crispian leaves, Erin shuts the door behind him. She turns to Paul and calmly states, “I think it’s safe to say that one’s still inside.”
Erin makes another plan: bunker up in one of the rooms and border up the windows, she instructs. Erin confidently strides into the kitchen. She grabs more weapons. How many butcher knives does this family own? Did Aubrey get visited by CutCo or something?
As she is carrying her findings back to the faction, Kelly’s body is thrust through the dining room window. Erin falls to the ground and the family scatters. An attacker masked as a Bear Cat enters through the shattered window.
Bear Cat’s here to party!
00:49:04 Bear Cat swings his ax at the fallen Erin, who rolls and dodges it. She kicks him in the balls, rolls again, grabs a kitchen meat pounder and strikes him in the knee. Then she swings it at the back of his head as he withers in pain.
Bear Cat screams in agony. Erin strikes again, incapacitating him.
Bear Cat falls unconscious. Erin mounts his back and continues swinging the meat pounder into his head over and over. Felix and Zee look on with confusion.
00:49:48Erin concludes her pulverizing and settles. She unmasks the man. “Anybody know this guy?” she asks for identification from the beaten-in face of the intruder.
“It’s kind of hard to tell,” Felix admits.
00:50:13 Oh and sorry if I didn’t make this clear but the tides have fucking turned.
00:51:10 “Where’s your dad?” Erin asks Felix.
Meanwhile, Paul wanders around upstairs wielding a butchers knife. He enters the closet he nearly investigated earlier and finds bottled water and other supplies. The power goes out within the mansion.
Sup, Paul?
00:52:54Erin goes to find the circuit breaker in the basement but Paul reboots the power from upstairs. The lights come back on and he finds Felix and Zee.
He warns that the attackers must be watching them. He back peddles away from Felix and Zee, explaining as he goes. He walks into another room and Wile E. Coyote slits his throat with a machete.
Paul continues stumbling backwards into a coffee table. Felix and Zee look on as his blood vacates their vessels.
00:53:31 Wile E. Coyote waddles over to Felix and Zee. Felix side eyes the attacker. “Really? You had to do that in front of me?”
Wile E. Coyote turns to face Felix. He removes his iPod ear buds. “Were you saying something to me?”
Zee and Wile E. Coyote admire their destruction as Felix wanders off to wash up.
00:54:09 Oh and if I didn’t make it clear enough, FUCKING PLOT TWIST, GUYS!!
00:54:26Erin continues exploring the basement. Mary Had A Little Lamb enters the mansion, crossbow locked, cocked.
Erin notices sounds coming from upstairs and she begins her climb back to the dining room.
00:55:40 Mary Had A Little Lamb discovers a dead Bear Cat and, in sorrow, flips over the dining room table. Aubrey worked so hard to prepare that meal too!
“Will you just look at this mess!”
00:56:02 As Mary Had A Little Lamb regroups, Erin grabs a screwdriver from a nearby toolbox at the foot of the basement stairs.
Mary Had A Little Lamb removes his mask to wipe his eyes when he notices noise coming from the cellar door. He investigates and sees Erin’s eye peering out the key hole. He hacks at the door with an ax.
00:57:51Drake awakes from his arrow-induced coma and stumbles into the room. “Hey,” he offers to the man who killed his wife as he was sleeping.
Mary Had A Little Lamb takes a few intimidating steps forward and Drake trips backwards. Erin then bolts out from her hiding place and stabs Mary Had A Little Lamb in the back.
Drake grabs the ax and, suddenly outnumbered, Mary Had A Little Lamb runs out the front door. Erin locks it behind him.
00:58:38Erin and Drake exchange niceties and catch up on recent events. “Where’s Kelly?”
“I don’t know,” Erin lies.
Felix and Zee run down the stairs. “What happened? We heard noises so we stayed upstairs.” Thanks, assholes.
00:58:58 “One of them came and attacked us,” Erin recounts as she helps Drake to his feet. “I stabbed him and he ran away.”
“You stabbed him?” Felix scoffs in impressed disbelief. Awwww, was that one of your college buddies, Felix?
“Yup,” Erin nonchalantly confirms. “Is dad okay?”
“Yeah he just,” Felix grits, “he just needed to lie down.” In his death bed, that is!
“How many do you think there are?” Zee speaks for perhaps the first time in the movie.
Erin blows a strand of hair out of her face. “Perhaps two more of them.”
“Well maybe they’re gone,” Zee probes, “maybe you scared them off.”
Rolling her eyes, Erin quips, “let’s not count on that.”
Erin recommends they get supplies from the basement.
Felix and Zee witness the carnage.
00:59:47 The film shows the exterior of the mansion again and I realize I do not want that home anymore.
01:00:06Erin collects tools and her and Zee return to the dining room to construct some booby traps. She shows Zee how to properly put a nail through a 2×4. Zee looks on disinterested.
Zee picks up a hammer and inspects it. “Can I ask you a personal question? How do you know all this?”
“Well I kind of grew up on a survivalist compound. I haven’t even told Crispian yet.”
“Good answer,” Zee nods, impressed.
Erin continues: “When my dad grew paranoid, I became convinced that the world would run out of resources in a matter of years. So myself and a bunch of guys moved out to the outback.”
“Wow,” Zee mumbles, “that’s crazy.”
01:01:47Drake and Felix review available supplies down in the basement. “I’ve gotta go looking for Crispian and Kelly,” Drake says.
“Drake, what are you talking about?” Felix utters. “Kelly’s dead.”
Drake’s face contorts. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t know,” Felix defends.
Felix continues on and Drake yells at him. “Shut up, stop talking!” he wails. Felix stabs Drake in the gut with a screwdriver.
“I’m sorry,” Felix says as he inserts another screwdriver into his brother’s abdomen. Felix isn’t that sorry.
Drake still stands as Felix repeatedly stabs him. “Will you just die already?” Felix asks. Drake staggers back and notices 7 different instruments penetrating the front of his body. Damn, if this isn’t an endorsement for Vicoden, I don’t know what is!
Drake finally falls.
01:04:16 In the dining room, Erin places her nailed 2×4 traps at the foot of the vulnerable windows. Zee firmly grasps one of the nailed wooden panels. She rises and raises it over Erin’s distracted body. Erin turns. “You done with that one?” Zee mhmms.
Erin says she’ll check upstairs for more supplies. “Don’t do that, I’ll go,” Zee offers. Erin looks at her quizzically.
“You want to come with me? We can go together.”
“No, that’s okay. I can stay here,” Zee backtracks.
“Okay, be careful,” Erin warns as she leaves. Zee watches her briefly then follows.
01:05:41Erin investigates the second level, armed with her meat pounder. Downstairs, Zee unlocks the front door.
Erin enters one of the bedrooms to find a long-dead Paul. As she inspects the body, a machete clad figure approaches from behind.
Aware, she swivels and throws her meat pounder but misses. She runs and jumps out the bedroom window.
01:06:54 She lands roughly on the ground and notices a piece of glass protruding from her thigh. She glances up and Wile E. Coyote stares down at her from the broken window. She crawls forward and away into the woods.
Poor Erin
01:07:22 Within the solitude provided by the woods, she reveals a pocket flashlight. She removes the glass from her thigh. She then notices a discarded arrow laid upon the leaves. She turns and Mary Had A Little Lamb welcomes her with his crossbow.
He shoots but misses. She staggers back out of the woods and towards the mansion.
01:08:26 She enters through the front door and hides behind the living room curtains. She uses a piece of cloth to secure her leg wound.
01:08:52 Mary Had A Little Lamb approaches from outside. Crossbow in hand, he peeks through an open window. He notices one of the nailed wooden traps that Erin has set. He carefully climbs through but fails to notice the second nailed wooden trap. It penetrates his foot.
01:10:03Felix, Zee and Wile E. Coyote recognize Mary Had A Little Lamb’s cries from within Aubrey’s bedroom. Wile E. Coyote reapplies his mask and goes to work.
01:10:14 By the way, Crispian is still a character that is in this movie. He’s either long dead, one of the attackers or out for help. But we have yet to hear from him since he left for the neighbors. Maybe he finally turned their music off and is chilling with naked dead guy.
01:10:34Felix sits down on his dead mother’s bed and Zee mounts him. They make out and she removes her shirt. “I’m not really in the mood now, Zee.” That’s probably normal given your girlfriend is trying to fuck you on your mother’s corpse.
“You never want to do anything interesting,” Zee complains.
“I don’t think that is fair criticism,” Felix gawks at his obviously psychotic girlfriend.
“Fuck me next to your dead mom then,” Zee dirty talks. Ummmm fucking no, bitch. Felix throws her off his crotch and leaves. Like the psychotic fucker she is, Zee removes Aubrey’s wedding ring from her cold fingers and admires it on her own. Time to get a new girlfriend, Felix.
01:11:38 Wile E. Coyote helps Mary Had A Little Lamb remove the nail from his foot in the dining room. Felix and Zee enter. They complain about the fluidity of the plan. Mary Had A Little Lamb admits that Bear Cat was his brother. Fraternity brother or, like, blood brother. I can’t tell the difference with you college students and your pranks anymore.
Erin listens from her hiding spot.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you guys were all related,” Felix apologizes to the killers. Mary Had A Little Lamb pins Felix to a wall. He threatens him but Felix renegotiates their price offer. “You just need to finish this and we’re through.” Mary Had A Little Lamb releases Felix.
01:13:48Erin’s phone rings.
01:13:53 Wile E. Coyote rolls his eyes. “I got it.”
A text message reveals that 911 has received Erin’s emergency text. Nice going, 911. Always proving to be the least helpful in dire situations for our horror victims.
01:14:07 Wile E. approaches with his machete. Erin waits in attack position. He rips open the curtains and Erin throat punches him. Fuck yeah!
She limps away into the kitchen and through the backdoor. The attackers follow.
Erin climbs back in through an open window as Felix, Zee and Wile E. run out into the yard.
Mary Had A Little Lamb limps after but notices something unusual with the side window. He drags his numb foot over and peeks in. Erin stabs him in the face with a knife.
Mary Had A Little Lamb stumbles backwards and falls. Another lamb bites the dust.
01:16:21Erin claims the ax and retreats into the basement. She grabs a roll of string, a brick and gets to work. Home Alone 4!
Hells yeah!!
01:16:50Erin sets a deadly trap at the front door.
01:17:20 Meanwhile, the others wander around outside looking for her. Wile E. Coyote tells Felix that he’s going back inside, that they can continue looking for Erin without him. Felix complains about lack of weaponry so he steals the crossbow.
Wile E. giggles. “You even know how to use that?”
“You aim and shoot, right?”
Wile E. giggles again and Felix huffs off.
01:18:28Erin peers outside as Wile E. climbs through a window behind her. Aware, she runs back down into the cellar. He pursues.
Erin retrieves a second brick and smashes out the overhead light bulb, cloaking the cellar in darkness.
01:19:18 Wile E. enters. He holds his machete like a baseball bat. Erin hides as a steady strobe of flashes briefly light up the room.
Wile E. discovers the source of the flash. It’s a camera. Erin uses this opportunity to strike the killer. She mounts and beats Wile E. into a pulp.
01:20:45Erin returns to the living room, her limp slightly disabling her. She surveys the room but Felix shoots the crossbow through the window. Zee and him run up to investigate but don’t find a body.
Zee further pursues into the house with the crossbow as Felix goes to the car and grabs a pocket knife.
01:22:35Zee tip toes into the kitchen where Erin strikes her. They struggle as Felix enters. Erin dumps previously boiling water on him but it’s since gone cold. He mocks her but steps forward and slips.
Zee bites Erin’s hand. Erin takes and swings a cooking pot at Zee’s head. They strangle each other and Felix stabs Erin’s shoulder with the knife. Erin releases, takes the blender and stabs the blending bit into Felix’s skull. She plugs in the kitchen device and blends Felix’s brains.
That enough action for you? No?
Zee gags but recovers. Erin removes the pocket knife from her shoulder and pierces Zee’s skull.
Erin finally sits down, flanked by her two dead rivals. She catches her breath and caresses her new wound. She reaches into Felix’s pocket and retrieves his cell phone.
She puts it up to her ear and listens.
“Felix,” Crispian says, “is it all done in there or what?”
Erin continues listening. “Look, I know you’re pissed at me for not helping but I couldn’t do it, man. I told you this might happen. I saw mom and… the blood and… I just can’t deal with the violent stuff. Come on, man, I can hear you breathing on the other end of the phone. Felix? It’s fucking freezing out here, I’m coming inside.”
01:25:51Crispian climbs in the window. He looks down at his cell phone, the call is ended. He turns around to find Erin, with Felix’s cell phone, glaring at him.
“Oh Erin, you’re okay. Where’s Felix?”
“I stuck his head in the blender.”
“Oh.”
“You were going to kill me,” Erin mutters to Crispian.
“No,” Crispian defends, “you were supposed to be the witness.”
Crispian continues explaining how she was supposed to be left unharmed.
He stops. “Where is Zee?”
“I killed her too.”
“Ah. Totally understand.”
He begins apologizing and compliments her for her killing ability. If she hadn’t been such a bad ass, he says, they would have been rich and heading off for a vacation right now. Crispian, this would be the perfect time to propose! Isn’t the mood lovely?
He continues on about how perfect they are for each other as Erin perpetually glares. He walks ever closer.
“I love you,” he concludes.
Erin breaks posture and stabs Crispian in the neck. Then the eye.
My hero!!
01:30:22Erin stands above Crispian’s bleeding body as a gun shot rings out. Erin falls. We see a police man poking his gun through the broken window. He surveys the scene with astonishment and leaves.
Erin struggles for oxygen. She begins to crawl.
01:31:19 The police man returns to his cruiser and radios in back up. He approaches the front door to reenter the house.
Erin crawls towards the hallway as the front door opens.
“No, don’t!” she warns.
The police man enters and the ax trap hits him. The screen becomes soaked in blood with the words
YOU’RE NEXT.
End Credits
That’s a wrap on You’re Next! Great movie and I believe I found my new love interest in Sharni Vinson. She’s beautiful and a bad ass and will protect me from serial killers forever and ever.
So we learned that happy, rich families are probably not invulnerable to generational murder (like princes assassinating kings!), always do a background check on your student-turned-girlfriend and Vicoden turns you into the Hulk. Drake feel no more pain!!!
Sources
You’re Next. Dir. Adam Wingard. Perf. Sharni Vinson, Joe Swanberg. HanWay Films, 2011.
00:00:00 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the beginning of all things undead. In 1968, a 20-something year old director by the name of George A. Romero made his first feature length film. This film would spawn the creative influence for dozens upon dozens of horror films. Welcome to the Night of the Living Dead.
00:00:27 We open on a windy dirt road. A lone car drives along heading north. An organist needlessly pounds on his keys, inspiring Hans Zimmer for the score of Interstellar.
00:01:37 The car takes a steady turn into a cemetery and drives past rows on rows of tombstones. It finally comes to a stop.
00:02:20 Within the car is a man and a woman. The woman is blonde and the man wears glasses. Their personalities are probably as such.
00:02:25 The woman complains about day-light savings time. See! Even in 1968 people were confused as fuck about the clocks turning back!
00:03:09 The two are siblings and they’ve come three hours to place a single wreath on their father’s grave. “I don’t even remember the man,” four-eyes complains.
“Well it pleases mother,” the blonde answers. Hopefully this ‘mother’ figure isn’t taxidermied. Was that a popular theme in black-and-white horror films or was that just a one time thing?
00:03:20 Just as four-eyes is about to exit the vehicle, his car radio jolts to life. He questions it but turns the car off anyway.
00:03:50 So nobody has called each other by their names yet. I had to look characters up because I don’t really feel like calling them ‘blonde’ and ‘four-eyes.’ Not today, at least. So the dude is Johnny and the dudette is Barbra.
00:04:05 The siblings struggle to find the grave. How much would that suck? You reluctantly drive three hours to place a wreath on some dude’s grave and you can’t find the tombstone. Do you just, like, punt the wreath? Or is it like a lottery system? “Here! This tombstone looks worthy!”
I’m sorry, that’s insensitive. Let’s do whoever rises from the dead fastest wins the wreath!
00:04:15 Oh we found it! Or we are just saying we found it. “You’re our new father!”
00:04:30Johnny sets the wreath down. “I wonder what happened to the one from last year.” Ummm it’s a wreath, Johnny; it’s not going to last a whole year. Your brand-new-undead-father probably reached up and brought it six feet under right after you left. Awww!
00:05:11Barbra kneels to say a prayer. After ten seconds, Johnny goads her that she’s taking too long. Immediately after the words fall out of his mouth, thunder claps. You shall be smited for your ignorance, four-eyes!!!
00:05:22 Johnny turns to see that they have a visitor. About 50 feet away, an old man stumbles along aimlessly. Johnny thinks nothing of it.
00:05:43Johnny puts on some kick ass leather driving gloves as he brags about not going to church. This guy doesn’t give a fuck about God’s potential smiting ability!
“I fear not of potential smiting!”
00:06:11Johnny reminds Barbra about a time when he scared her by jumping out from behind a tombstone. No matter if this was, like, 25 years ago, Barbra still gets pissed and scolds Johnny. I guess graveyard pranking doesn’t have a statute of limitations. Someone note that somewhere.
00:06:12 “They’re coming to get you, Barbra,” Johnny mocks. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed the most infamous horror line next to, “Here’s Johnny.” Well, probably third overall because, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum,” trumps everything. There will be no further debates! This decision is final!
00:06:22Barbra is annoyed but Johnny keeps repeating the line. He turns to the old, stumbling man. “Look! Here he comes now!” Haha, very funny to pick on the old man, Johnny. Johnny runs past. Barbra tries to be respectful and walk gently by the old man.
00:06:38 WHO THEN GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AND TRIES TO GNAW HER FACE CLEAN OFF!
00:06:56Johnny rushes over and throws Barbra out of the way. They struggle until the old man (is that Peter Capaldi!?) slams Johnny’s head against a tombstone.
00:07:22 With Johnny unconscious, Peter Capaldi sets his sights on Barbra. She runs to the car and locks the doors. Capaldi tries to break in but his methods are merely to open-fist the glass until something positive happens.
00:07:45 So kids, what did we learn? Don’t act respectful to strangers in graveyards. They may potentially murder you.
00:08:14 Oh my God! They’re learning! Capaldi grabs a rock and breaks the passenger window. Barbra (who doesn’t have the keys) shifts the car’s parking brake into neutral. She glides a quarter mile until she crashes into a tree.
00:09:11 With Capaldi en route, Barbra exits the vehicle and begins to run. She ventures through the woods to find a lone house in the middle of nowhere. Seems legit!
00:10:03 She scrambles looking for a hiding spot but apparently can’t find one. She peers around the house and Capaldi is stumbling at a brisk walk through the woods towards her. Stop staring! He’s obviously not the young chap he once was!
00:10:19Barbra finally enters the house and boards the door. She investigates the premises but all that she finds are mounted deer heads. Are they zombies too?! Are we allowed to use the zed word? I’m going to refer to Nick Frost; will have an answer in a few.
00:11:58 Capaldi wanders outside the house. Let the old man in! He obviously needs his afternoon tea and crumpets!
00:12:16Barbra peers out a window and witnesses more zombies (or zeds) approaching! Capaldi has friends!
00:12:25Barbra tries the telephone but the receiver is unhooked. What kind of home is this?? This isn’t welcoming at all! Why has Capaldi and his friends not yet been offered tea and fucking crumpets!!
00:13:07Barbra runs upstairs and finds a partially-eaten body. I’m hoping to God that wasn’t the maid. Capaldi promised his friends at least a biscuit.
00:13:22 By the way, this has escalated quickly! And you thought Drew Barrymore had it bad!
Run away! It’s Zombie Capaldi!!
00:13:42 Panicking, Barbra rushes out the back door but runs directly into non-zombie guy. He looks over his shoulder at the rising count of zed and friends, shrugs and pushes Barbra back into the house.
00:13:59 The African-American man locks the door and casually turns to Barbra. “It’s alright,” he says. Yup, no big deal. Just a bunch of hungry undead Brits coming to rip your soul clean out of it’s flesh. “I can handle him, don’t worry about him,” this super hero of a mystery man continues, “it’s the lot more that’ll come that I’m worried about.”
Well, Super Hero, sir, if you portray as calm of an attitude towards the others as you are of Zed Peter Capaldi, I’ll feel perfectly safe. This man is a goddamn zombie whisperer!
00:14:03 Just got confirmation from Nick Frost: zombies are ridiculous; we are going with zed until further notice. Nobody is allowed to say the zed word unless our Super Hero utters it first!
00:14:20 Super Hero discusses potential escape routes to himself because Barbra is practically catatonic. Our Super Hero simply sighs and tries to phone; no dial tone.
00:14:45Barbra is so shocked that she has yet to speak. BARBRA! This man is basically Superman and he is here to saveeeee you! Calm down!
00:15:01Superman starts rattling off ideas for an escape. Food! Rationing! Weapons! Escape routes! This man is a genius under pressure!
00:16:30 The Zeds start destroying the escape vehicle as the Barbra and Superman watch from inside the house. The Zeds are becoming aware!!!
00:16:55Superman swaggers outside and beats the undead shit out of two of the zeds. This man is immune to your undeadness!
00:17:41 Meanwhile, one zed sneaks into the house. It goes for Barbra but, sensing a disturbance in the force, Superman rushes inside and destroys it’s mush for brains with a crow bar.
00:18:37 He finds another zed trying to enter the house and beats up that one as well. He finally barricades the door as many more come stumbling out of the woods.
00:19:13Barbra begins to stare into one of the undead’s dead eyes. “Don’t look at it!” Superman yells. Are they weeping angels as well!? That’d be fucking terrifying!
00:19:41Superman drags the dead undead body outside. He glances up and witnesses other Zed approaching ever closer. Like a bad ass, he casually gets on one knee and burns the dead undead body in front of it’s peers. This guy is awesome!!
00:20:51Superman scavenges for weapons of mass destruction such as hammers, knives, crowbars. He then uncovers nails. “We have to board this place up.” I feel like our hero stumbled out of Die Hard and mistakenly found his way into a horror movie.
No sir, you must sit in a corner and wait for the bad guys to come to youuuuu. Stop barricading the house! You’re making it too difficult for our villain!
00:21:21Barbra is still not helping in the slightest. Maybe our dude can negotiate a trade with the Zed team. Peter Capaldi for Barbra? Who says no??
00:21:23Superman halts all of the productive things he is doing to try and reason with Barbra. “Please help me,” is what he basically says. He finally receives a subtle nod. She goes into the next room to stare at the mounted animal heads and a music box. Very productive, Barbra.
00:22:49 Alright, so since Barbra has been too rude to ask this fine gentleman’s name, I will look it up. People are so informal in this movie. Superman’s secret identity is Ben. So Ben goes about ripping off all of the interior closet doors to use as wood for boarding down windows. Ben is a goddamn genius.
Ben deserves his own action-adventure movie franchise.
00:23:47Barbra finally limps over and helps Ben hold up a door being nailed in. Barbra is now equaling about 0.1 wins above replacement (for all you baseball junkies. Someone write this down: project wins above replacement [W.A.R.] for horror movie characters. I have an ill feeling many of the candidates will project well below zero.)
00:24:36 Meanwhile, Ben has secured the entire house. I don’t know what the undead have been doing this whole time but I pray to God it’s a dance party.
00:25:24 As Ben dismantles the dining room table, he attempts small talk with Barbra who is still gravely silent. I don’t know, Ben. Unless she starts articulating actual words soon, I think we may have to consider her one of the zed. She’s a spy!!!
00:25:41Ben informs Barbra about how he got to this house. He encountered his first zed by Beekman’s Diner. They were chasing a gas truck. The gas truck tipped and flew into the diner. Ben escaped by taking a random vehicle and getting the hell out of there. Ben = unkillable.
00:27:37 Ben tells the viewer (because who the fuck knows if Barbra is even listening) about how he plowed through about 60 of those guys trying to escape.
00:28:00 “We were riding through the cemetery,” Barbra speaks! “Johnny and me.”
00:28:21 “We came to put a wreath on my father’s grave,” Barbra continues breathlessly, “Johnny and me. And he said, ‘can I have some candy, Barbra?’ And we didn’t have any.”
00:28:45Barbra begins to emotionally break down again. Don’t plan on hearing from her for another 30 minutes.
00:28:52 “And then he said, ‘ohh, it’s late,’” Barbra’s battling through! This is considered character development, right? “‘Why did we start so late?’ and I said, ‘Johnny, if you’d gotten up early, we wouldn’t be so late.”
00:29:09 “Johnny asked if I was afraid. And I said, ‘I’m not afraid, Johnny.’” I’m pretty sure your words were more along the lines of, “fuck off, Johnny. Grow up, stop being such a child.” Those were some kind last words.
00:29:12 “And then this man started coming up the road,” Barbra gulps back tears, “Johnny kept saying, ‘he’s coming to get you, Barbra.’” Johnny is starting to sound like a dick.
00:29:35 “And then Johnny ran away. I went up to this man and was going to apologize…” Ben has continued boarding up the windows with the dismantled dining room table. I don’t know if he actually gives a fuck about Barbra’s story of her dick-head brother.
00:29:40Ben finally interrupts her, “why don’t you just keep calm?” I think he liked her more when she was a mute. Barbra’s WAR is trending downwards.
00:29:48 “… and then he grabbed me!” Barbra piles on, “and he ripped at me and my clothes!”
00:29:58Ben raises his voice. “I think you should just calm down.” That’s Ben politely saying, “I’m sick of your shit, Barbra. I’ve already beat up 64 of these fuckers and lit one on fire. I’m basically their king. So unless you plan on ripping apart these dining room chairs, please shut the fuck up.”
00:30:02 “… and then I screamed,” *sigh* “… Johnny! Johnny, help me!”
00:30:39Barbra continued but I zoned out.
00:30:41 “We have to go back.” What?? “We have to go back for Johnny.”
00:30:54Barbra continues to beg Ben but Ben is a bit preoccupied with locking this house the fuck down.
00:31:01 She now rises and screams, “Johnny,” at Ben. She pulls Ben away from the 2×4 he was nailing in. Christ, Barbra, if you gave a shit about Johnny you shouldn’t have been a mute for the last few hours.
00:31:10Ben tells Barbra that her brother is most likely dead to which she reacts by ripping down all of Ben’s hard work to get outside. WAR’s quickly declining! I think it’s near time to kick her off the team, Ben!
00:31:17Barbra then slaps Ben. Ben slaps Barbra. Well, this is awkward.
00:31:24 Then she fucking faints?! Barbra is being so unproductive!
00:32:07 Finally with a few minutes of silence, Ben tunes into the radio. It appears that this chaos is wide spread. “There is an epidemic of mass murder,” says the broadcast. I’ll say! “… by a virtual army of unidentified assassins. It appears to be a sudden general explosion of mass homicide.” By the way, that’s the most professional statement you’re going to hear about a zombie outbreak.
00:32:41 I meant Zed! Shit!
00:33:08Ben glances out the window. The undead seem to be congregating around his vehicle. Maybe they want to take it for a test drive. Are they aware enough to negotiate a deal?
00:34:11Ben makes a fire in the fireplace and creates a torch using the leg of the dining room table. He ignites it and lights a couch aflame. He then kicks it outside towards the unidentified zed and they get scared. Boo!
00:36:15Ben continues his house lock-down. This house is now a goddamn fortress!
00:37:08 He rummages through a closet and uncovers a rifle and a number of rounds. Score!!!
00:37:41Barbra’s finally awake. Ben updates her on their situation. Barbra refuses to speak. Again. It’s like a five step process with her.
00:39:06Ben goes upstairs to get a better vantage point with the rifle. The radio drones on: “murder victims show evidence of having been… partially… devoured by their murderers.” Yeahhhh that’s not good.
00:39:15Ben walks past the half-eaten woman from earlier. I feel like there should be a greater concern as to how she got in that state. He decides to drag her into another room and lock the door.
00:40:03 Broadcast: “… the killers are eating the flesh of their victims.” The radio announcer sounds aghast yet slightly fascinated reporting this news. I wonder, in the back of his mind, if he’s all like, “I’m killing it tonight! Figuratively, that is. I am so in line for that next promotion!”
00:40:45 A hidden door within the living room creaks open and two men pop out, surprising catatonic Barbra. Ben rushes downstairs to investigate.
00:41:10Ben merely shrugs when he finds the intruders to be living humans. “I could have used help up here, you know.”
“Well that’s the cellar. It’s the safest place,” the man replies.
LOL Ben! Your hard work was for naught!
00:42:02 They argue about social responsibility and who should be helping who. I always find it curious that, when faced with an undead conflict, there is always a larger conflict among the living. Same team, guys!!
00:42:23 Now this one balding dude is arguing that the cellar is the safest place while Ben is convinced that he has the first floor boarded up well enough. How about everyone returns to where they were five minutes ago, huh? Except the undead get to take Barbra.
00:44:16 We’re still arguing. Team Cellar vs Team First Floor. Balding dude is strongly Team Cellar and Ben is pro-Team First Floor. There’s some other dude with a Caesar hair-cut who is split in between and then there’s Barbra, who is just sitting on the couch staring into her lap.
00:44:33 Oh shit. Caesar’s got some balls; he starts yelling at balding dude that the cellar can be the alternative plan in case the first floor is broken into. Let’s all share!
00:44:35 So Balding dude is Mr. Cooper. Caesar-cut will remain Caesar because of reasons.
00:44:58 One of the Zed attempts to break in a window. They grab at Ben’s clothing but Caesar grabs a hammer and starts hacking away. Ben finally aims his rifle and fires a round through Zed’s chest. It recoils but returns to the window.
Ben discharges another round but Zed remains unfazed. Finally, Ben busts a cap in Zed’s head and it falls.
00:46:21 More Zed have been attracted by the gunfire.
00:46:49 I just realized Mr. Cooper looks exactly like Rob Corddry from Hot Tub Time Machine. Is that how he originally got here?!
Rob Corddry doesn’t give a shit about your zed problem!
00:47:35 Anddd we’re back to arguing about Team Cellar and Team First Floor. Impending undead be damned! Ben calls Mr. Cooper ‘dumb’ twice within the same sentence. This guy’s a boss.
00:48:18Mr. Cooper finally chooses the cellar. Before he locks it, Caesar calls his girlfriend, Judy, up to join Team First Floor.
00:48:52Barbra remains motionless on the couch. Did the script forget that she existed and production fail to give her dialogue?
“So, ummmm, Barbra hasn’t had a line of dialogue in about 20 minutes so let’s have her sit catatonic on the couch during all of this.”
00:49:17Mr. Cooper returns to his wife, Helen, and their sick child, Karen. Karen lies unconscious on a table. Mr. Cooper begins smoking. Sure, that’s healthy for your sick child. He then sits down next to her. Go ahead, keep puffing away, maybe she’ll recover faster with all of your second hand smoke.
00:50:43Helen is pissed at Cooper when he admits that there’s a radio upstairs yet he boarded them down in the cellar. Helen is quietly a Team First Floor-er.
00:51:50Helen calls up the stairs to Caesar. They (for some reason) negotiate a trade of Cooper and herself for Judy. Guys, just combine already! There’s no need for trading teams!
Cooper and his family: a house divided by a mere floor.
00:52:30 So Judy is supposed to watch the sick child. I guess Team First Floor doesn’t allow potential undead. I’m still confused why they let Barbra up there then…
00:54:00 With the guys working on the house, Helen sits down across from Barbra and begins to smoke. Barbra’s head shoots up when she hears a match strike. “Don’t worry, dear,” Helen comforts, “I’m Helen. Cooper’s wife.” Like that’s supposed to mean something.
00:55:27Cooper bitches about Barbra’s ineptitude. Ben yells at him to shut up. I mean, he’s not wrong.
00:55:55Caesar gets the television running. They watch a newscast update on their current predicament.
“The report reads: those who have died have been coming back to life and committing acts of murder,” the newscaster reads from a sheet of paper, “we have reached the conclusion that the unburied dead are coming back to life and seeking human victims.” Well, time to take a couple sick days on account of all hell breaking loose.
00:57:50 The newscaster speculates possible causes. He says the White House believes that a recently returned NASA satellite which had orbited Venus could be producing high amounts of radiation to which is causing this undead outbreak. Well, that’s a new theory. And by new I mean the original theory of zed-based outbreaks. How come we crossed Venus radiation off our list of causes so early, huh Hollywood???
01:00:24Caesar shares the story about how Judy and himself arrived at the house. He mentions finding the half-eaten lady upstairs but that’s all he says about that matter. Okay, guys, so these undead fellas are eating their victims, correct? And you found a half eaten victim upstairs, right??? But you haven’t searched the whole house or explored how and why??? We’re setting up for disaster, aren’t we?
01:01:09Ben questions Helen on how bad and in what way her child has been hurt. He recommends she go down to the cellar to relieve Judy of zed-child duty.
01:02:10 Meanwhile, the newscaster is interviewing a scientist about the rising dead. If it was under less hostile circumstances, this would be the most entertaining news hour ever.
01:02:23 “Soak the bodies in gasoline and burn them,” the scientist recommends. And what about removing the brain from the body? What about removing the brain from the body???
01:03:33 Ben and Caesar discuss a rescue mission. They will go outside, refuel Ben’s truck and then come back to load up the others.
01:05:14Judy expresses concern for Caesar’s plan; she wonders if they should just wait in the house instead of trying to escape. I’m kinda siding with her here. I am unabashed Team Stay!!
01:07:00 The plan is in motion! They just need to get Barbra into the cellar. Ben, professional catatonia whisperer, tells Barbra that she must go downstairs in order for them to leave.
“Oh I’d like to leave, yes,” Barbra speaks!!
Judy helps her down the steps.
01:07:22Ben approaches Caesar at the front door, their point of exit. He hands him a hammer. “Good luck,” Ben offers. Caesar replies, “yeah.” They begin ripping down 2×4’s from the door.
01:08:01Cooper ascends to the second floor and prepares molotov cocktails for a distraction. Fuck yeah!!
01:08:35Cooper tosses cocktails down into the crowd of undead. Many of them light up and stumble off. Ben and Caesar rush out the front door to the truck. Caesar jumps in and tries the ignition while Ben stands by with his torch.
01:09:16Judy panics and runs outside towards the truck. Cooper locks her out. Judy jumps in the vehicle as Ben takes aim with his rifle. He fires a couple rounds then climbs in the truck’s bed with the torch. As the car drives away, Ben lights up zeds like a boss.
01:10:39 The truck finally reaches the gas pump. Caesar screws up the fuel phase though and somehow pours gasoline all over the torch. Fire catches on the truck. Panicking, Caesar hops back into the drivers seat and propels the truck away from the gas pump as fast as possible, leaving Ben.
01:11:52 The flames engulf the truck and explodes with Caesar and Judy still inside.
01:12:21Ben is abandoned about a quarter mile from the house with just a rifle, a torch and about 50 undead in between. Whatever! Ben goes on a rampage and makes it back to the house within 30 seconds.
01:12:58Cooper declines to open the front door though. Ben, being the bad ass he is, breaks in and reapplies the boards. He then turns to Cooper and punches him in the face. Don’t fuck with Ben!
01:14:41 The undead surround the destroyed truck and feast on Caesar and Judy’s remains. The circle of life!
01:16:39 The gang regroups in the living room. Ben asks Cooper about the car he claims was overturned by zed. “Forget it. It’s about a mile back,” Cooper replies.
“Johnny has the keys,” Barbra says. Fuck Johnny!!
01:16:52Ben asks how Cooper’s child was injured. “One of those things bit her on the arm.”
Ben rolls his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Helen asks.
“Who knows what kind of disease those things carry,” Ben says.
Yeah, like ZOMBIE DISEASE!! Fuck it! We’re using the zed word now!!! Zombies confirmed!!
01:17:18 They rekindle their discussion about the overturned car. “You can’t start the car,” Barbra interrupts, “Johnny has the keys.”
Ben stops mid-sentence. “Wait, you have a car?”
No, Johnny has a car. And the keys. Even in the afterlife he’s still a dick.
01:18:08 The news blips back onto air. The newscaster is still droning on about Venus radiation. I wish Hollywood explored this further; it’s a heck of a lot more interesting than monkey’s on steroids being a cause.
01:18:46 “We have reports that a ghoul can be killed by a bullet to the head.” There it is!!!
01:18:58 “Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.” This newscaster is one-lining it all the way to CNN!
01:20:38 The power suddenly goes out. The house is cloaked in darkness.
01:21:33 The zombies are evolving! One has grabbed Ben’s abandoned torch and started hacking away at the boarded windows. Ben rushes over to reapply the 2×4’s as fast as possible. In the process, he drops his rifle.
01:22:41 Seeing an opportunity, dirtbag Cooper grabs the rifle and threatens Ben. Ummmm, can’t you see he’s a little busy?? There are other conflicts besides you, Rob Corddry!
01:22:54 Because he’s a bad ass, Ben fights Cooper and recovers the gun within a matter of seconds. He takes aim and shoots Cooper in the gut. Cooper tumbles down the cellar stairs. Destiny for Team Cellar!!
01:24:00Helen, who had been trying to re-barricade a window, is groped by a number of unidentified arms. Barbra watches for a few moments from her spot on the couch. Then she finally runs over and proves to be a worthy distraction for the zombies. Helen is released and she enters the cellar.
01:24:32 She flies down the stairs to find her daughter, Karen, zombified and eating her father. She then falls to the ground and Karen kills Helen with a garden trowel. Awww family bonding!
01:25:43 Upstairs, Ben and Barbra attempt to board up the window. A leather gloved hand reaches through towards Barbra. The shadows reveal a zombified Johnny. Did he bring the keys???
01:25:53 Johnny takes Barbra away.
“Rawr! My zombification process has brought back my impeccable eye sight but left me with my asshole-ness!”
01:26:10 Every window caves in simultaneously. Ben fights off Zombie Karen and runs down into the cellar. He boards up the cellar door as the zombies pile into the first floor.
01:27:41Ben descends the stairs to find dead Cooper and Helen. Cooper tries to reanimate but Ben says, “fuck that shit,” and shoots Cooper’s brains out. Helen then tries her reanimation session but Ben interrupts her as well.
01:29:05 The zombies begin milling around the house looking for other things to keep them occupied. This is our house now!!
Zombie Rob Corddry or zombie Cooper? Who knows!!
01:29:52 The sun rises on a new day and we see a helicopter land in a corn field. Armed men patrol the woods and police vehicles occupy the main roads.
01:30:54 A news reporter follows the town sheriff as they head out with search dogs to investigate.
01:31:31Ben wakes up in the cellar to distant gun shots.
01:32:04 The sheriff says that he’s going to check out the abandoned house in which Ben is held up in. Ben nimbly climbs out of the cellar and begins unboarding the windows.
01:33:03Ben witnesses the surrounding destruction. He peers out the window at the search and rescue team and a man fires a bullet through Ben’s forehead.
01:33:30 NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
01:34:03 Oh my god, what just happened?! BEN WAS MY HERO!!!!
END CREDITS in which the credits roll over still-images of the rescue team dragging Ben’s body out of the house and burning it with the rest of the undead.
OMG that was the saddest ending I have ever witnessed. Why must you be so cruel, Romero!? He was unstoppable!! He was the King of the Undead! And you offed in within the last 30 seconds!! That’s beyond cruel and unusual punishment.
As I wipe the tears from my eyes, let’s briefly recap Night of the Living Dead. Romero introduced zombies and really brought us balls to the wall with the horror. We discovered that Barbra can produce a -3.2 WAR in a moment of crisis, Ben is a goddamn super hero who must have taken a wrong turn between Die Hard and Dawn of the Dead and Johnny apparently doesn’t need glasses when he’s zombified but the leather driving gloves? Totally need those.
So that’s a wrap on Night of the Living Dead! I hope you have enjoyed this commentary and appreciate Romero’s bold and innovative twist to the horror genre!
Sources
Night of the Living Dead. Dir. George A. Romero. Perf. Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea. Image Ten, 1968.
00:00:00 Teenagers learn some valuable lessons about stranger danger. Wait, haven’t we done this before? Yes but now we have a sequel because apparently nobody learned anything!
Welcome to Scream 2. Directed by Wes Craven and guess what? We’re still in the 90’s! Released in 1997 and starring pretty much the same cast as the original (minus Matthew Lillard and Billy [or Bobby or whatever] and Drew Barrymore because they all died!) Anyway, we’re going even more meta than you can imagine! The events from Scream are being turned into a major motion picture and this is what Scream 2 is based on. Your mind is turned inside out, isn’t it? Don’t worry, Craven doesn’t throw you into any wormholes or 5th dimensions (shout out to Interstellar and being current-event-relatable!) I pray I don’t wind up at 15 pages again in this write up. That’ll be just a bitch to edit. (Editor’s Note: FUCKKK)
Okay, Horror Holiday presents Scream 2.
00:00:31 We open at the “Stab!” premiere! So “Stab!” is the movie based on the book that Monica (from Friends!) wrote about the events in Scream. Now she’s profiting off the deaths of high school kids. Classy!
00:00:44 Oh look! It’s Jada Pinkett Smith! Craven seems to be creating a trend of introducing A-list actors within the first minutes just to set them up for a brutal massacre. Nice!
00:00:56 This movie theater has gone all out with the aesthetics. They have a Ghost Face Killah wacky inflatable tube man hanging from the entrance and the theater employees are handing out complementary Ghost Face Killah masks. This isn’t the premiere of fucking Psycho, guys! You’re blowing your yearly theater budget on a glorified slasher flick!
00:01:01Smith doesn’t want to see a bunch of white girls get, “fucked up.” She’d rather see the new Sandra Bullock film, “playing down the street.” Does this theater only have one screen?? And they chose to play “Stab!”?!
00:01:23 Her boyfriend does want to watch white girls get fucked up. So it’s settled, I guess.
00:01:44Smith and boyfriend walk into the theater and it’s packed with teenagers wearing Ghost Face Killah masks and slashing each other with fake knives. It’s a goddamn mad house.
00:01:56 Is this Wes Craven bragging about the success of his original Scream? I mean, sure, it was good and I enjoyed it but you’re not this massive icon now. I’m pretty sure that if you walked into a 1997 theater for Scream 2, you wouldn’t see a bunch of people in masks pretending to stab each other and getting hyped to watch white girls ‘get fucked up’.
00:02:05 Also teenagers are just the worst.
00:02:32 The theater has “Stab-O-Vision” too, which is basically just a black light. I guess the theater employees can kiss away the Christmas party because that budget is shot to shit.
00:22:42 Begin “Stab!”
Yayy white girls getting fucked up!
00:02:54 Oh look, they recast Drew Barrymore for “Stab!”
00:03:10 Oh wait, that’s just Heather Graham. Everyone resume your normal activities.
00:03:50 The opening to “Stab!” is a cut-to-cut replica of Drew Barrymore’s death scene. I don’t know how this is possible because the police proved totally inept at locking down that crime scene in Scream. How could they know what happened? I mean, for fuck sake it took them half the movie to uncover the phone records! And they spent the critical 48 hours after Barrymore’s murder hanging around outside her high school for god knows why! All I’m saying is, I’m onto you, Wes Craven.
00:03:55 The phone rings, Graham answers. I BET YOU MISSED THESE!!
00:04:12 “Hang the phone up and *69 his ass!” Smith shouts at the theater screen. THANK YOU, JADA PINKETT SMITH! We had to sit through nearly two hours of this shit last time!
00:04:50 Scene continues and it’s written even worse than the original dialogue with Barrymore. Smith grows bored and goes to buy popcorn.
00:05:55 Upon returning, her boyfriend pops out of a broom closet and scares her. Booo!
00:06:47Smith returns to the theater and the Graham scene is still going on. How many pages did I write for that scene last time? Just way too much to mock. Boyfriend decides to run to the bathroom quick. Neither of these characters are paying too much attention to this movie.
00:07:20 Oh and if you were curious, Graham did make popcorn on the stove. I actually wish they left that part out.
00:07:52 With the urinals occupied, boyfriend chooses a stall. He notices some sexual noises coming from his neighbor so, for some reason, he puts his ear up to get some free porn action. That’s when GHOST FACE KILLAH STABS HIM THROUGH HIS MOTHERFUCKING EAR! We have made contact!!!!!
He returns!
00:09:21Smith continues to watch this hour long opening scene. The boyfriend (?) returns wearing his Ghost Face Killah mask. Smith thinks nothing of it. She wraps her arm around him as they both watch Graham get stabbed. How romantic.
00:10:06Smith slowly pulls her hand back from behind the boyfriend’s coat and notices blood from his jacket. She peers over to him and GHOST FACE KILLAH reveals a knife and stabs her. Man, this theater really goes all out for their premieres!
00:10:47Smith staggers away but Ghost Face Killah follows her, stabbing her with every step.
00:11:18 He finally releases her about thirty stab wounds deep. She stumbles to the screen stage and screams. Then Smith falls and dies. Hey! The teenagers finally stopped celebrating! Hopefully the theater left enough in their budget for the impending lawsuits!
00:12:07 We’re at college! The phone rings, awakening Sidney. She answers. “Hello, Sidney. What’s your favorite scary movie?”
“Who is this?”
“You tell me…”
Sidney picks up her caller ID box. “Corey Gillis. 513-555-0176.”
“Fuck!”
“Gotcha, bitch!”
*Gillis hangs up*
Oh how much caller ID could have changed the original film.
00:13:13Sidney tells her roommate that the calls are because of the opening weekend of “Stab!”
00:14:37Sidney and roommate watch the news as the report of the theater deaths roll in. And woahhh guess the murderer wore a “Stab!” themed mask? As long as the theater wasn’t handing out complimentary masks all night, it should be no problem finding the assailant. Oh wait.
00:15:09 As soon as Sidney sees the reports, she basically goes, “oh shit.” Not for the victims though, but because she knows that a shit storm of media is about to land on her front step. I guess we are continuing the trend of the media reporting nothing from crime scenes and everything from the campus of high school or colleges? These reporters suck.
00:15:12 “Oh, hey world wide media hanging out at the front door of my dorm!”
Sidney’s sick of this shit
00:15:25 We arrive at a classroom where a teacher is discussing the fault of the movie on the actual murders. A student argues against him and… wait… hold the fucking phone. Is that Buffy the motherfucking Vampire Slayer?!
00:15:27 IT IS BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! Okay, stop the investigation now. Buffy’s got this.
00:15:40 The debate continues and holy shit! They got Timothy Olyphant too!? Who casted this film and are they a high level producer now??
00:15:56 And LOL Jamie Kennedy is in this class. He gives his opinion but Olyphant rejects his premise. Hellooo? Jamie Kennedy kinda lived through the “Stab!” movie? I think he should be leading this lecture.
00:16:05 “Are you suggesting the killer is trying to create a real life sequel?” asks the professor. By the way, this professor should be ejected from the university because what the fuck even is that question.
00:16:09 Random classmate: “Sequels suck.” THANK YOU.
00:16:41 Now we are in the midst of a full-on debate on if any sequels were better than their predecessor. This professor should be stripped of whatever tenure he has because he has officially lost his class.
00:17:37Sidney catches up with Jamie Kennedy after class. Kennedy must be a fucking legend or something after living through Scream, flaunting his encyclopedia of horror films and then this recent stabbing. This IS the man you are looking for!
00:17:50Sidney is worried that the killing has something to do with them but Kennedy is in denial. Come onnn dude, that’s completely out of canon!
00:18:17 Jerry O’Connell shows up and kisses Sidney, is apparently her boyfriend.
00:18:26 Oh and Jerry O’Connell is in this movie. But ehhh, it’s Jerry O’Connell.
00:19:10 Monica shows up on campus with her new news crew. She finishes a call with a movie producer and practically threatens them not to pull “Stab!” from theaters because of recent events. She actually thinks of this as publicity. Soooo Monica has sold her soul for fame, anyone else from the original?
00:20:09 Reporters swarm Monica. The reporter has become the reported!
00:21:06Sidney rolls up and witnesses Monica speaking to reporters. Sidney seems to have a new entourage. If I were them, I would start thinking twice about my relationship with Sidney post-movie murders. Her last group of friends didn’t have a happy ending.
Sidney and the gang.
00:21:43 Some blond sorority bitches cruise up to Sidney and act all snotty as if there wasn’t enough conflict with serial killers on the loose.
00:21:45 Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon reference! Feel free to add Scream 2 to your list!
00:21:55 Oh wait, these sorority girls actually want Sidney to pledge. So that was them being friendly?
00:22:28Sidney finds Dewey randomly wandering around campus. David Arquette is still as awkward as ever. They sit down to chat about, well, all the shit that’s gone down.
00:23:31Dewey is sporting the world’s most awkward mustache. Was he going method for this role? Because he wins the award for most awkward character ever.
00:24:19Dewey tells Sidney to be careful and then limps off. So if Dewey was not an awkward enough character before he now has a horrible limp.
00:25:05Monica interrupts Sidney for an interview. In classic Monica fashion, she has brought along formerly-accused-for-Sidney’s-mother’s-murder Cotton Weary, who has just been released from prison. Oh what a special reunion!
00:25:35Sidney calls Monica a bitch and punches her in the face, just like in Scream. At what point does Sidney get charged for assault and battery? Because she is totally of age now.
00:25:53Cotton complains to Monica that she promised him a 10 minute talk with Sidney to work things out. Oh what a bloody ten minutes those could be!
00:26:19Monica storms away from Formerly-Accused Cotton and finds Super-Awkward Dewey, who is just standing in a bed of flowers. “Leave her alone,” Dewey says to Monica with complete lack of eye contact and then limps away. Cool, Dewey. Cool.
00:27:12Monica follows as Dewey spits out descriptions Monica wrote about him in her book. Essentially, it’s about him being super awkward and inexperienced (she’s not wrong). I guess these two never hooked up after their House of Horrors?
00:28:24 Night time and sorority-fraternity mixer event! Wooooo! Sidney has showed up with her roommate, Hallie.
00:28:56 Two sorority sisters approach. “Sidney, you made it! Hi,” one goes, “no, I really mean it. Hi.” So, any other time, you don’t mean it? What does ‘Hi’ even signify that you have to really ‘mean’ it??
00:29:31Buffy hangs out at the QBZ sorority while the mixer goes down at the frat. She’s watching TV alone while gossiping on the phone. She receives a call on the other line.
00:29:32 “Hello Buffy.”
00:30:00 She believes it’s her boyfriend Ted and that he’s drunk. “Who’s Ted,” says the voice.
00:30:57 They talk a bit but Buffy doesn’t do flirting. “Why do you always answer a question with a question?” she asks.
00:30:49 The conversation ends with, “do you want to die tonight, Buffy?” and the man hangs up the phone. BREAKING NEWS: GHOST FACE KILLAH actually hangs up first! It’s a new game, ladies and gentlemen!
00:31:40Buffy actually takes the threat seriously and begins dialing campus security. Man, college kids are way smarter than those high school ones!
00:32:01Buffy can’t get good reception with her cordless phone when calling security but previously had excellent reception with her gossiping friend andGhost Face Killah. “Can you hear me now?” ruffle ruffle ruffle. “How about now?”
00:32:07 Campus Security hangs up on Buffy, is officially the worst campus security ever.
00:32:45Buffy runs into one of her sorority sisters in the house. The phone rings and the sister rudely takes the phone from Buffy. “Is Buffy there?”
00:32:47 “Yes she is, who’s calling?” the sister asks as if Buffy wasn’t right next to her this whole time. Ghost Face Killah sneaks through the open front door in the background…
00:32:54 Sorority sister hands the phone to Buffy and leaves and can now be officially accountable for Buffy’s inevitable death.
Buffy the Not Vampire Slayer
00:33:19 By the way, I don’t know what Buffy’s afraid of. She’s the goddamn vampire slayer! Unless she hasn’t gotten her powers or training yet. Then, well, she’s 6 degrees of fucked.
00:34:14 Buffy investigates through the house but finds nothing. The phone rings, Buffy answers.
00:34:23 “Hello?” Ghost Face Killah busts through a closet door and attempts to stab Buffy.
00:35:10 After chasing her through the house, Ghost Face Killah stabs and throws Buffy from a balcony.
00:35:38 Guess she didn’t have her Vampire Slayer skills after all.
00:35:45 Meanwhile at the rush event: KEG STANDS!
00:36:42Sidney is not impressed by the sorority girls recruiting and she disses them right to their faces.
00:37:02 OMG SOMETHING’S HAPPENED AT THE SORORITY HOUSE! Okay, let’s finish this round of shots and then go check it out!!
00:37:23 Police swarm the QBZ sorority house and entire frat houses empty to watch. Media vans park about 10 feet from the victims body and (former officer) Dewey is allowed to stand and watch the crime scene unfold. Worst. Police. Ever.
00:38:24Monica practically walks up and interviews Buffy’s dead body. “Dead sorority chick, how many times were you stabbed? How did that make you feel? How do you feel about Delta’s chances at the Puff Bowl this year?”
Do they even tape off crime scenes in this movie?
00:38:48Sidney reenters the frat house to retrieve her jacket. A phone rings in the distance. For some fucking reason, Sidney feels the need to answer. SIDNEY! Just stay the fuck away from phones forever, okay?
00:39:18Sidney answers. “Hello Sidney.” Sidney’s face blanks. I mean, come on girl. Who did you expect to be on the other line at this point?
00:39:38Sidney hangs up the phone and turns to find GHOST FACE KILLAH wielding a knife. He lunges towards her but proves that this edition of Ghost Face Killah is just as inept at killing as the previous two.
00:39:58 He chases her through the frat house and barrels into a couch. Like, he full-on barrels through the couch and practically knocks himself out cold. Ghost Face Killah’s are the least athletic and efficient serial killers of all time.
Ghost Face Killah struggles at the one thing he’s meant to be good at
00:40:03 Sidney escapes and finds her boyfriend in the backyard. He rushes in to bounce Ghost Face Killah from his goddamn frat house. WHO DO YOU KNOW HERE?!
00:40:14Dewey also shows up in a full speed limp sprint. It just looks like the super awkwardliest.
00:40:28Dewey investigates and finds boyfriend Jerry on the ground with his arm bloodied. He ventures past to find the two sorority girls from earlier at the front door. No sign of Ghost Face Killah.
00:41:21Sidney and friends spend the night at the hospital. Jerry gets his arm patched.
00:42:15Olyphant chats with Sidney and questions why Jerry went back into the frat house anyway. Sidney appears skeptical.
00:42:32 Meanwhile Jerry is questioned by the police. “Why did you go back in the house anyway?” It appears everyone is on the same page here. Either Jerry is associated with the murderer or he’s just a fucking idiot.
00:43:52 Back at the police station, the chief writes the victim’s names on the black board. That’s when you know shit’s serious!!
00:43:58Monica strolls in (because I guess she can do that?), takes the chalk away from the chief (because I guess she can fucking do that??) and underlines the three names. Their last names correlate with the victims from Scream. Dun dun dunnnn.
00:44:30Sidney walks through campus with her boyfriend and a security dispatch of two detectives. She expresses her skepticism about Jerry’s alibi.
00:45:24Sidney practically breaks up with Jerry, who refuses to let go. Off camera, Jerry goes home and eats a tub of ice cream while watching Sleepless in Seattle.
00:45:46 I apologize if this write up has been choppy thus far. There are a lot of scenes that really have nothing to do with advancing our plot. So to summarize: there’s a copy cat killer and he’s seeking out Sidney. There it is. We’re 45 minutes in. Other than that, we basically have the same cast and those who died in the previous film have been recasted and written exactly the same.
00:45:52Dewey walks Monica out of the police station. She asks for his help. “I’m only here to help Sid,” he says then heroically limps off. Dewey, the awkward hero we deserve but not the one we need right now.
00:48:09 The entourage eats lunch and Jerry suddenly breaks out singing, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” ala Tom Cruise in Top Gun. He begins jumping from table to table as the entire cafeteria claps melodically. Really, we have time for this??
00:49:55 Apparently it wins Sidney back and the cafeteria cheers. This is more ridiculous than people not checking their caller ID’s. Why the fuck did I just watch this scene?
00:50:11Jamie Kennedy and Dewey grab coffee together and watch the news play a clip from “Stab!” Kennedy complains how they didn’t cast anyone good for his role but Dewey got David Schwimmer. I think Kennedy actually lucked out with that one.
00:50:51 Oh look, they got Luke Wilson to play Billy, the psycho killer!
00:51:33 Holy shit. Jamie fucking Kennedy is about to drop the rules for horror movie sequels. Hold onto your fucking faces.
Jamie Kennedy dropping horror knowledge like blam!
Rule Number One: The body count is always bigger. (Fuck does that mean this commentary is about to hit a ridiculous amount of pages? Probably, yes.)
Rule Number Two: The death scenes must be much more elaborate. More guts, more gore.
Rule Number Three: If you want your sequel to become a franchise, never ever…
“How do you catch the killer, that’s what I want to know,” Dewey interrupts. Goddamit, Dewey!
00:52:25 Kennedy and Dewey discuss the suspects. Dewey labels Kennedy as a suspect. Hence, Kennedy labels Dewey as a suspect. Touche. We move onwards.
00:52:49 Now they’re discussing race and serial killers. “Most are white males,” Dewey states. This allows me to time to note something about Scream 2. In Scream, there were no African-Americans cast. Zero. In Scream 2, at least a third of the cast is African-American. I don’t know if Craven got chewed out by the film distributor about diversity or he just casted based on that line about most serial killers being white. I don’t know. I can’t vouch for anything but somebody may be racist.
00:53:48 Now Kennedy has laid out Monica as a suspect but Dewey rejects the premise. “Well if she’s not the killer then she’s a potential victim,” Kennedy concludes.
00:55:10Monica’s African-American camera man is concerned about his safety. “I read your damn book,” he says, “your last camera man didn’t fucking make it. And brothers don’t last long in these situations.” Monica tells him to stop being a fucking bitch and do his job. Monica for boss of the year!
00:57:03Sidney discusses dropping her major with her theatre studies professor. He talks her out of it though.
00:57:53 Sidney, who is the lead I guess, rehearses her play. It’s some weird ritualistic sacrifice scene. She’s in a red dress as others are hooded. They pretend to stab her. I mean, why would Sidney accept the role in a play that has this type of scene? Doesn’t it bring back flashbacks? Well, Sidney notices one of the hooded figures to have Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Within the rehearsal act, he chases Sidney with a knife, unbeknownst to anyone else in the production.
00:59:29 He grabs her and she screams. As she falls to the ground in peril, Ghost Face Killah escapes. Sidney rushes off stage in tears.
01:00:02 Backstage, Jerry arrives and takes the crown of being at the wrong place at the worst possible time.
01:00:25Sidney breaks up with Jerry again. So now not only is Jerry’sTop Gun scene completely ridiculous, it is now completely meaningless. Before this scene, the last time we saw Jerry and Sidney was at the cafeteria, when they got back together. If we cut that cafeteria scene the movie would be literally unaffected. I spent six minutes watching Jerry sing and dance and Scream 2 turn into fucking Glee.
Oh and Jerry just leaves after Sidney breaks up with him. This relationship is fucking awful.
01:01:16 Now Dewey and Kennedy have brought their speculative conversation to Monica. They sit on an outside bench and discuss theories. This is the new Scooby-Doo gang.
Deep horror movie discussions ongoing
01:02:25 Right after they argue if any of themselves are the killers, Monica’s phone rings. Kennedy picks up. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I,” Ghost Face Killah asks.
01:02:51Kennedy keeps Ghost Face Killah on the line as Dewey and Monica scramble to find a potential onlooker with a cell phone.
01:03:18Kennedy and Ghost Face Killah discuss their favorite scary movies. This is like the peak of Kennedy’s horror movie watching career right here.
01:04:18 “Why are you even here, Kennedy, you’ll never be the leading man,” GFK taunts.
“Fuck you.” Kennedy shouts into the cell phone.
01:04:45Monica and Dewey hunt down cell phone operators but can’t find the caller.
01:05:18Kennedy talks shit about Ghost-Face-Killah-alum Billy while walking past a news van. GFK pops out and pulls Kennedy into the van. They struggle but he eventually kills Kennedy.
01:05:26 NOOOOOOOO!!!!
01:06:27Monica and Dewey return and find dead Kennedy in the truck. I cried.
01:07:11Sidney studies at the library and receives an instant message on her computer. “You’re going to die tonight.” Her security guards rush over to investigate. They secure Sidney next to the staircase exit (because I guess that’s considered a safe point?) and survey other computer occupant’s screens.
01:07:38 While Sidney waits, Cotton appears behind the exit. Cotton starts dropping information bombs. Monica promised him an interview with Diane Sawyer and Sidney. He wants the exposure and the money that can come with his story. Sidney declines. Cotton becomes threatening. She walks back towards her security details and Cotton follows, speaking louder with every step. The two detectives rush Cotton and arrest him.
Sidney, not a fan of Diane Sawyer.
01:10:01 The police chief interrogates Cotton back at the station. Dewey and Monica find Sidney there and break the news about Kennedy. She cries as well. We’re all in this together Sid. *sob* We’ll get through this together! *sobs* Someone must continue the horror movie lectures!
01:11:50 The police eventually release Cotton based on a lack of evidence.
01:13:04 The police announce a campus-wide lock down. No students are allowed out of their dorms past a certain hour. But hello, you’ve tried that before. A bunch of high school kids decided to throw a goddamn house party instead and many more were murdered. Are we still not checking caller ID’s? Because we know that’s a thing now; they introduced it within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Check some fucking phone records and tell people to stop picking up calls from unknown numbers. Dammit, you might as well hire Dewey back on the force at this rate!
01:14:09Monica exits the police station and runs directly into her camera man. He quits on the spot and jumps in a cab. Good call, buddy. Good call.
01:14:27Monica stands on the sidewalk as Dewey walks out of the station. “I feel bad, Dewey,” Monica admits. Bad?! BAD?! Feeling bad is when your stomach aches or when you misplace a friend’s belongings. Monica is partly responsible for inciting a serial killer that has now taken multiple victims. Some deaths have even been close relations. ‘Bad’ is nowhere near the fucking word to describe how she should feel.
01:15:21Dewey accepts her apology for some reason. I guess the power of boners win out once again. Fucking hell.
01:16:30Dewey and Monica head to the School of Film building to find a VCR to play the footage that her recently-departed camera man took. Seriously, does no one own a VCR that you had to break into the School of Film building after dark?
01:16:57Dewey and Monica have a cutesy butting heads moment while trying to insert the tape into the VCR. Does any horror movie know how to portray an actual romantic relationship??
01:17:08 By the way, I’m still upset they have already killed off Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jamie Kennedy. That’s bullshit.
01:17:46 They flirt further as they watch their argument from earlier in the movie. Apparently the camera guy has taped fucking everything we’ve seen in the movie so far. That’s weird, dude.
01:18:04 Because we apparently have nothing more important to do, Monica and Dewey begin making out. I mean, what the fuck?
01:18:35 Their make out session is interrupted by a second television turning on and projecting new footage. It’s Buffy talking on the phone at the sorority house. The footage jumps. We watch Jamie Kennedy wandering around the courtyard as the camera films from within the news van.
01:18:51 The feed jumps once more. It’s footage of Monica and Dewey watching the tapes in the School of Film lecture hall: LIVE EDITION.
01:19:02 They turn around and see Ghost Face Killah watching from the projector room. Dewey rushes up but finds it unoccupied. GFK then appears behind Monica. She’s chased down into the hallways. She escapes into an audio recording studio and locks the doors. GFK shows up and she hides.
01:21:40 In the midst of their little game of hide and seek, Dewey stumbles in. He starts pounding on a window which Monica is on the opposite side of. But because this is an audio studio, Monica can’t hear noise on the other side. While her back is turned, Ghost Face Killah rushes Dewey and stabs him in the back.
01:22:44GFK then attempts to break through the glass but, by golly, nothing can break through this window!
01:23:20 Finally given up, Ghost Face Killah leaves.
01:23:54 The security detail helps Sidney carry her luggage from her dorm. She’s being escorted off campus which is actually a good goddamn plan at this point. Jerry is there to see her off. Awww (but not really).
01:24:56 After the police escort drives off, members of Jerry’s frat swarm and carry him off because he gave away his fraternity letters to Sidney or something.
01:25:33 At the frat, they tie Jerry to a star thing and pour beer on him. Cool, I guess.
Sup Jerry
01:26:19 Meanwhile, the police escort stops at a red light. Sidney and her roommate Hallie sit in the back seat. Ghost Face Killah appears, breaks the driver’s window and slashes the detective’s throat. So much for security; one red light and all awareness drops to zero.
01:26:32GFK climbs on top of the car and grabs the other detective. He rams his head against the vehicle and throws him out. GFK takes the drivers seat and is about to peel off when the living detective pulls his gun. GFK rams the detective anyway.
01:27:14 Detective holds onto the hood as GFK attempts to hit every single obstacle on the road. He finally hits some road construction and crashes the vehicle, killing the detective immediately.
01:27:50Sidney and Hallie recover in the back seat but Ghost Face Killah is knocked out cold. Most inefficient movie serial killer ever.
01:28:07 So anyway, Sidney and Hallie are child locked in the backseat. They notice a newly gaping hole in the divider screen between the front and back seat and Sidney climbs through.
01:29:21 As she’s climbing over an unconscious Ghost Face Killah to escape, curiosity gets the best of her and she tries to unmask the killer. She is distracted though when her butt accidentally honks the car’s horn.
01:30:09 She jumps back, startled, and tries again, this time escaping without unmasking the killer. Sidney attempts to free Hallie but I guess the child safety locks don’t allow anyone to leave or enter.
01:31:05Hallie escapes as well and they run away. Sighhh. Your killer is unconscious. You both are not unconscious. Take him down now!!
01:31:18 They run about 30 feet before Sidney stops and tells her roommate that she must know who the killer is. Yes! Good Sidney!
01:31:20 Hallie refuses to go back. They start arguing. Sigh.
01:31:41Sidney finally decides to unmask Ghost Face Killah. She approaches the car but GFK is missing. Maybe y’all shouldn’t have argued over your decision for so long.
01:32:01 Somehow, GFK ends up behind Hallie. He jumps out from behind a corner and stabs her. I mean, for Ghost Face Killah’s ineptitude and unathletic ability, he’s got some stellar recovery times when it comes to being knocked out cold, being kicked in the balls and having his knees buckled out from under him.
01:32:12Sidney watches as her roommate is murdered. Then she runs away.
01:32:38Monica finally exits the audio studio to find Cotton leaving the room that Dewey was stabbed. Blood covers his hands and arms. Monica runs. Everyone is just in the wrong place at the worst possible time in this series.
01:33:45 Music begins playing from the School of Film stage. Sidney runs back onto campus and, hearing the music, runs into the building. Ummm. Fucking why??
“Oh, music! I must stop everything else that I’m doing to investigate!”
01:34:26Sidney runs onto the stage and the music stops. A spotlight beams onto her. The light then glides over to a shirt hanging from a stage tree. The light dissolves.
01:35:13 The giant star which Jerry was tied to is dropped from the ceiling. He is bound and gagged. Sidney attempts to untie Jerry but GHOST FACE KILLAH MAKES HIS GRAND ENTRANCE.
01:36:11Ghost Face Killah unmasks himself and it’s Timothy Olyphant.
01:36:12 Ummmm let’s take a beat here. Okay, Timothy Olyphant has pretty much played the same character description as Matthew Lillard in the original: creepy, strange jerk. But Olyphant has been absent from the film since Jerry’sTop Gun routine. That was an hour ago. And since I have deleted that scene in my mind, Olyphant has not been seen in Scream 2 since Jerry was in the hospital. Seriously?? This guy is your killer?? He’s been completely AWOL! His only semblance of actual dialogue was during their classroom debate about sequels. That was at the beginning of the movie! This isn’t some Anthony Hopkins Silence of the Lambs 13 minutes of screen time shit. Olyphant has been utterly forgettable and, if his career hadn’t skyrocketed a near decade after this film was released, I probably would have forgotten who the fuck his character was. For fuck’s sake, they could have revealed Ghost Face Killah to be Matthew Lillard again and I’d feel the same way I feel now: cheated.
Timothy Olyphant, I guess.
01:36:30 “Since Jerry went missing on my ass, I’ve been working alone all night,” Olyphant accuses of Jerry. Sidney stares at Olyphant. “Come on Sid, I have to have had a partner. I couldn’t have done this all alone.”
01:36:49 “Sidney, he’s lying,” Jerry pleas. Sidney backs away.
01:37:03Jerry turns his attention to Olyphant. “Fuck you! I’m going to fucking kill you, you lying piece of shit. Fuck you!”
01:37:14Olyphant pulls a gun and shoots Jerry through the chest.
01:37:15 Damn, has Sidney had a rough stretch of boyfriends.
01:37:57 “You should really work on your trust issues, Sid,” Olyphant taunts. He then goes on to lecture her about how great of a guy Jerry was. For Christ’s sake, dude, if you liked him so much maybe you should have just dated him.
01:38:31Olyphant then tells Sidney he plans to get caught. He’s gonna go to trial and plead that the “Stab!” movies made him do it. For some reason, he thinks that’ll hold up. Maybe he should have taken less film classes and added a basic law elective because there’s no fucking way a jury would rule in his favor because a, “movie inspired him.”
01:38:40 Oh. Now we’re being lectured about cinema violence and society. You’re a strike away from joining Spock and douchebag psychiatrist from Psycho in the Lecturing Asshole Hall of Shame, Olyphant.
01:38:46 “It’s airtight, Sid,” says Olyphant about his entirely not-airtight plan.
01:39:25 Sidney is able to disarm Olyphant. They struggle for a bit but he reclaims the gun. Suddenly, the star to which Jerry is tied to begins to rise. Sidney looks around wildly. “I told you I had a partner, Sid.”
01:40:24 From a side door, Monica appears but she is being held by gun point by some lady. Some lady that I’ve never FUCKING SEEN BEFORE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?
01:40:29 “Hello, Billy’s mother!” Olyphant screams to the skies. Fuck everything. Fuck everything! Hold the motherfucking phones. ALL OF THE FUCKING PHONES! This is some bullshit. This is Billy’s mother’s introduction to the film series. She never appeared in the original. She never saw a second of screen time in Scream 2 up till now. Fucking hell, they could have walked Christopher fucking Walken out that door and it’d have made as much sense. Fuck.
01:40:33 “Nice twist huh,” Olyphant giggles, “didn’t see it coming.” Nobody saw this fucking coming because it doesn’t make any sense! It’s less of a twist and more of a WHERE DID THIS FUCKING COME FROM, MOTHERFUCKING ASGARD!?
01:40:45 “I’ve seen pictures of you,” Monica reasons, “you don’t look anything like your pictures.”
“I lost weight and got plastic surgery,” Billy’s mother says.
Fuck you, movie. You can’t try to defend yourself here. This is bullshit. You not only pulled a fucking zebra out of your hat, you gave that zebra a facelift and lap band until it became a fucking chipmunk. That’s not fucking allowed!!!
01:40:57 Wait. The twist isn’t over. This has all occurred within one movie minute. This has to be the worst fucking minute in movie history. Olyphant just said he needed Billy’s mother for funding. “I need to pay tuition somehow.” What the fuck? Did Olyphant just come to this college to do this stunt? He couldn’t have planned any other way to do this? And Billy’s mother thought putting some random fucking psychopath through college was a worthy step to their plan to kill Sidney and a bunch of other random people who weren’t involved in anyway??
Wait. Why did they need to kill the couple at the movie theater anyway!? That had nothing to do with anything!!!
01:41:10 Wait. So much bullshit is being spewed at a mile a minute here. Billy’s mom just said that she found Olyphant on a ‘serial killer message board.’ “There’s only 95 active serial killers in the country so Olyphant was quite a find.”
Are you fucking with me?? There’s 95 active serial killers and they post on a message board and YOU, Billy’s motherfucking mom, found and recruited one?! How is this even possible?? The police have not been able to find this ‘message board’ but you were able to not only find it but CONTACT ONE OF THEM?!
My mind’s about to explode. We’re on minute two of the most idiotic movie twist ever. I’m afraid to press play on my DVD player as I know, within the next 15 seconds, someone else is going to do something ridiculous.
01:41:25 Right on cue. 15 fucking seconds later. Billy’s mom shoots Olyphant. WHAT?!
01:41:33Olyphant’s finger then twitches and shoots Monica in the abdomen. She falls beneath the stage. This is stupid.
01:41:47 “Two birds, one stone,” Billy’s mom cackles. Suck a dick.
Billy’s freaking Mom
01:42:06 Billy’s mom turns her firearm to Sidney. She monologues that Olyphant was insane but she’s not (questionable). Her motives are not, “90’s themed,” (what??) she’s interested in some, “old fashioned revenge. You killed my son.” Ummm yeah but he killed everyone else and you kinda abandoned him after your husband cheated on you with Sidney’s mom sooooo who’s the bad guy now?
01:42:55 Billy’s mom continues to monologue about her plan to set Sidney up. Sidney practically yawns; this whole ‘setting her up for murder’ thing isn’t new, Mrs. Billy’s Mom.
01:43:29Scream 2 is totally trying to pull a whole Mrs. Voorhees thing and it’s just awful. Didn’t they see Friday the 13th and realize how stupid it was??
01:44:00 Billy’s mom’s monologue drones on until Sidney interrupts. “Isn’t Olyphant supposed to be dead?” Billy’s mom (stupidly) turns around to look at a still-dead Olyphant. Sidney breaks a bottle over her head and barricades herself behind the stage’s set design. Billy’s mom begins shooting.
01:44:27Sidney find an emergency ax and begins hacking at wires. Stage lights fall all around Billy’s mom.
01:45:35 Billy’s mom tries to escape the chaos by climbing up a prop rock wall but Sidney cuts another wire and prop rocks fall on her. Billy’s mom becomes buried under prop rocks. This is also stupid. These aren’t real rocks, are they? This play didn’t decide, ‘HEY! forget fake prop rocks. We need two dozen stone rocks for this set design.’ No, those are not real rocks, Mrs. Billy’s Mom. You’re not going to get buried underneath them.
01:46:00Sidney attempts to flee but Billy’s mom has escaped a bunch of paper machete rocks (wooo big deal) and attacks Sidney.
01:46:34 Billy’s mom has Sidney pinned and about to stab her when Cotton appears with a gun. “Don’t fucking move.”
01:47:17 Billy’s mom holds Sidney hostage by knife point while Cotton points his gun at them. They go over the summary of what the fuck is going on.
01:48:10 Okay. Somehow, amongst the details of this current shit show, Billy’s mom has convinced Cotton to turn the gun towards Sidney. So now both of them want to kill Sidney. What??
01:48:42 “I bet that Diane Sawyer interview is looking real good right now, right Sid?” Cotton bargains.
“Consider it done,” Sidney accepts.
Cotton shoots Billy’s mom. Fuck this movie.
01:49:51Cotton and Sidney retrieve Monica from underneath the stage. Then Timothy fucking Olyphant pops up and goes BOOOOO and then Sidney shoots him a half million times. My brain has officially collapsed.
01:51:41 The next morning, paramedics bring Dewey out of the School of Film. I guess he lived from bleeding out over night? They take him away in an ambulance.
01:52:36 Reporters swarm Sidney but she refers them to Cotton, “the true hero.” Um excuse me?? Multiple people are dead and the killer’s intentions make zero sense. THERE’S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER MESSAGE BOARD SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET AND IT’S APPARENTLY FAIRLY EASY TO CONTACT THEM. There are no heros at the end of this. There are only the victims and the fucking psychopaths who killed them.
01:52:49Cotton gives the reporters his business card and tells them he’ll negotiate a price for his story. What the fuck does he have on the business card? “Convict who was formerly accused of Serial Killing but totallyyyyy not a Serial Killer now”? And did this douche bag just try to profit off a bunch of teenage murders? What even is this?! THEY KILLED JAMIE KENNEDY!!!
01:53:09Sidney walks around campus as the camera pans out and popular music softly plays.
END CREDITS
I’m glad Jamie Kennedy wasn’t around to see the end of this; he would have been as pissed off as I am. This is my concern with covering sequels: they may be fucking awful.
I thoroughly enjoyed Scream; it was a lot of fun to cover. Scream 2 was god awful. I don’t even know how this third act made it past rewrites. Did they really think it was cool to make Billy’s mom, a character who previously never saw the light of day, the serial killer? No, wait. Scratch that because that statement is wrong. Billy’s mom was not even the serial killer. She was the serial killer’s wallet. For what though? So Olyphant could go to college and then try to kill Sidney? Did he even have to be in college to attempt to ineffectively kill Sidney? And why kill anyone else? If anything, his murdering antics tipped Sidney off thus making it more difficult to kill her.
The only reasoning I can draw from having Billy’s mom be the murderer is as a homage to Friday the 13th but it was totally not worth it.
I don’t know. I guess we’ll cover Scream 3 at some point but it may be a while. There are dozens of better horror movies than this one.
And goddammit. Scream 2 is now the holder for longest movie write up at 7,321 words and 18 pages. I can only blame myself for that one.
Sources
Scream 2. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1997.
00:00:00 Ever wonder if Hollywood’s remake fetish existed in the ‘70s? Let me answer that for you: yes. The original Invasion of the Body Snatchers was released in 1956. It’s remake was created in 1978. We’re watching the remake because I have no idea where I can find the original; Psycho was difficult enough to track down.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers is directed by Philip Kaufman, who is also one of the original creators of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones, and stars Donald Sutherland (yes, Jack Bauer’s father), Jeff Goldblum, and Leonard Nimoy (yes, that Spock).
I think we are dealing with aliens but I cannot confirm. So let’s just begin. Horror Holiday presents Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
00:00:52 We open the film on Mars. So now I can confirm that we are dealing with aliens. Cannot confirm Xenomorphs though.
00:01:31 Jellyfish-like organisms from Mars set sail into space. Be free, little ones!
00:02:11 And they come to Earth! Be careful, Jellyfish. Humans don’t look kindly on immigrants initially. Probably best to lay low.
00:03:14 It’s raining. Brad Pitt can be heard in the distance yelling about a box or something. We carry on.
00:03:51 It looks like the organisms have entered Earth via the rain? Who knew space existed within Cumulus clouds.
00:04:24 Awww and they’re becoming flowers. I, for one, embrace our new alien overlords…
00:04:59 Young but still balding Robert Duvall hangs out on the swings in a playground; is totally creepy.
00:05:57Elizabeth arrives at her apartment and begins telling her boyfriend or husband or boy toy about some rare flower she found at the park. Her boyfriend yells about some bullshit foul happening in the Golden State Warriors’ game.
00:06:37Donald Sutherland, from the Department of Health, arrives at a restaurant. The restaurant scrambles to hide all of their rat traps.
00:07:35Sutherland is sporting a kick ass perm that only Sigourney Weaver could truly appreciate.
00:08:38Sutherland finds a rat turd in the soup and immediately shuts down the restaurant. Donald Sutherland, the hero we deserve, but not the one we need.
00:10:20Sutherland returns to his car and finds his windshield busted by the wait staff. Cool, busboys. Cool.
“Yeahhhh soooo, you guys are shut down. Like, immediately.”
00:12:11Elizabeth and boy toy fall asleep with their rare flower of love sitting in a glass on their night stand.
00:12:52Elizabeth awakens to find boy toy gently cleaning up broken glass. She questions him sincerely but he rises, puts the shards into a garbage pale and calmly walks outside to a waiting garbage truck. Elizabeth witnesses all of this curiously from her living room window. Long after the garbage truck has left, boy toy remains still on the sidewalk.
00:14:13Elizabeth walks to work. Practically everyone else is sprinting, 28 Days Later-style, in the complete opposite directions. Elizabeth is quite the observant girl.
00:14:31 She arrives at the Department of Health and reports to her boss, Donald Sutherland.
00:15:03 Can we take a second to appreciate Donald Sutherland’s perm and mustache combo. Bravo, sir. Brav-o.
00:15:08 She tells him about her strange experience with the boyfriend this morning. Sutherland gives her the rat turd. Cannnnn you feeelllll the loveeeee tonighttttttt.
Awwwwww
00:16:15Elizabeth returns home from work; apparently it was a short work day. Her boyfriend is still behaving awfully strange. Since the boyfriend appears to not be dead yet (as I’d hoped), I guess I have to give him a name. It will be Geoff.
00:16:25 Geoff tells Elizabeth that he gave away his Warriors’ season tickets to some co-worker. SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG, YOU GUYS!
00:16:51Elizabeth attempts to get it on with Geoff but when she lays a finger on his finely combed hair, the mood shifts. He leaves the apartment and, once again, stands at his post on the sidewalk. A vehicle approaches and he enters.
00:17:12 Hey Elizabeth, girl, you should probably break up with your weird as fuck boyfriend.
00:17:37 She decides to go over to Donald Sutherland’s house. He cooks as she voices her boyfriend troubles. I mean, at least Elizabeth is about 85% more aware than most horror movie characters that her boyfriend may be fucking possessed.
00:19:11Sutherland makes Elizabeth dinner and they converse. I can see what’s happenninggg. And they don’t have a clueeee.
00:20:07Elizabeth does one of the weirdest things I have ever seen with her eyes. That moment may make the ‘holy shit that was horrifying’ lists for Horror Holiday. Please never do that again.
00:20:10Sutherland is amused. Whatever floats your boat, dude.
00:21:07 The next day, Sutherland brings his stained dress shirt to the dry cleaners. The lady scolds him for his coffee stains. She probably scares away much of her business.
00:21:17 One of the employees asks Sutherland if he is a doctor. “No, health department.”
00:21:31 “My wife is sick,” the employee continues, “something’s wrong.”
00:21:45Donald points to the lady he just gave his dress shirt to. “She okay?”
00:21:55 “No,” the man responds, “that’s not my wife.” The woman gives the man a crippling glare. “That’s not my wife,” he repeats…
00:22:56Sutherland returns to his office and rings up Elizabeth. She doesn’t answer. Later, he walks towards the elevator and is shocked by a sweating Elizabeth. She cannot speak. After trying a few words, she simply hugs Sutherland and weeps. A janitor creepily watches from down the hall. Keep it in your pants, bro.
00:23:54 “I keep seeing these people,” Elizabeth explains later as Sutherland drives, “recognizing each other.” Elizabeth doesn’t like the idea of tight-knit communities.
00:24:07 “It’s a conspiracy,” Elizabeth concludes. We need some social media up in here to drive people apart! Too much personal interaction! This ends now!
00:24:25Elizabeth recounts her visit to Geoff’s office. She tried to enter but his door was locked. She looked out the window and noticed him taking a stroll with a strange woman. Elizabeth pursued and realized that he was interacting with all different strange people. It’s quite obvious, Elizabeth. Geoff has joined a friendship cult. It’s time to move on and probably stare at Donald Sutherland’s hair for days on end.
“I always feeeel like somebodyyysss watching meeee“
00:26:02 Sutherland continues to drive around with his shattered windshield. I’m mildly disappointed that he isn’t Ace Ventura-ing it. Maybe he’s worried about ruining his kick ass perm.
00:27:18Sutherland tries to tell Elizabeth a joke but Elizabeth cuts him off halfway; she has heard it before. Well I haven’t, Elizabeth, so would you stop being so rude and let the mustached man finish his goddamn joke?
00:27:25 A man runs into Sutherland’s car. Well that windshield couldn’t be anymore shattered so no harm, no foul.
00:27:30 Oh, the man’s still conscious. “Help! Help! They’re coming!” Okay, crazy man, I see that you are uninjured so can you remove yourself from my windshield? Please and thank you.
00:27:49 He runs off and about three dozen others chase after him. Cars swerve. Police men pursue. RIOT!!!
00:28:15Sutherland follows the mob. He slowly drives past a group of people staring down at the crazy man’s bleeding body. At least his final words were ironic.
00:28:55 Oh look! It’s Jeff Goldblum! And he has big hair too! You’re not legit though until you pair it with a mustache.
00:28:57 The couple meet Goldblum at a bookstore. Sutherland calls the police from a pay phone to offer a witness report. “Yeahhhh that never happened sir. Now kindly fuck off,” says the imaginary-possessed-police-in-my-head.
00:29:44Sutherland insists and Goldblum rants about conspiracies. Oh Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum doing Jeff Goldblum things.
00:30:07Elizabeth overhears a woman shouting about her husband being, “not her husband. It’s someone who looks like him. An impostor!” If only Ben Affleck in Gone Girl had such keen awareness…
00:31:34Elizabeth notices that everyone is pretty much staring at her. I don’t know, Elizabeth. Maybe rumors circulated through their friendship cult about you being newly single and you’re pretty and all. Maybe people are trying to make moves. All I’m saying is that Sutherland better lock ya up quick. And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster’s innnnn the airrrrr! Oh hey! That line may actually relate here!
00:32:36 Oh look! It’s Spock!
00:32:53Spock lectures about change being everywhere. “People are stepping in and out of relationships too fast. They don’t want the responsibility.” If only there was an ‘it’s complicated’ status option for the friendship cult!
00:33:51Spock continues his whole sociological spiel. I guess he’s the alien’s Socrates? Or is he just always like this? Please don’t tell me that he’s always like this because he is rather insufferable.
00:35:14Elizabeth finally accepts what he is saying because she’s tired from being cross-analyzed for the last half hour.
00:36:29Jeff Goldblum arrives at a mud bath place. “Oh hey,” the employee welcomes him, “is that (Spock’s) new book?” Goldblum immediately spikes the book into the ground. FUCK YEAH, GOLDBLUM!
00:38:06Goldblum takes his mud bath. An employee begins massaging one of her clients. Classical music vibrates through the bathroom. “Can we turn the music off please?” the client requests. “No, the plants just love it,” the employee declines. “Plants have feelings, you know? Just like people.” Okay, new plan: kill the fucking plants.
00:39:54Sutherland brings Elizabeth home but she is hesitant to enter. Sutherland offers to walk her in.
00:40:05 They find a gift plant that Geoff has left for his neglected girlfriend. FUCKING KILL IT!
00:40:42Elizabeth is flattered by the gift (it’s a trap!) and cock-blocked Sutherland leaves. Oh, and Geoff waits eerily behind a wall. Jealous much?
00:41:07 The Mud Bath employee starts closing up for the night and she finds a body. Goldblum comes running around the corner to see what all the screaming is about.
00:42:08 Instead of calling the police or a doctor, they call Health Department deputy Sutherland. Smooth move, now he’s definitely going to shut you guys down; he was pissed over one rat turd, what do you think his reaction will be over a whole body??
00:42:39Sutherland investigates the body. “It’s got no detail, no character,” Goldblum analyzes, “it’s like deformed.”
00:43:29 “No fingerprints either,” Goldblum continues. Man, those mud baths sure are intense!
00:44:04Sutherland decides to call Elizabeth; has a new idea for a spontaneous date.
00:44:18Elizabeth picks up the phone but doesn’t answer. Her face is now slightly scaly and she appears out-of-it. Geoff takes the phone and hangs up.
00:45:15Sutherland orders Goldblum to call Spock as he drives away to find Elizabeth. Goldblum complains about being tired and wanting to lie down. Come on, man, can’t you see that shit is starting to get interesting? You can take a nap later!
00:46:07Goldblum lies down and the employee (who may actually be his wife? I don’t fucking know) takes a closer look at the unidentified body. As she inspects it, the eyes blink open. Panicked, she runs to awaken Goldblum but he is just wayyy too into his R.E.M. cycle. Try again in like three hours.
00:46:26 Oh nevermind. Goldblum awakens and the body’s eyes close. Dun dun dunnnn.
00:46:37Goldblum inspects (twin) Goldblum. The body begins to bleed from it’s nose.
00:46:59Spock arrives and he is pissed! Looks like we’re in for another fucking lecture.
00:47:19 Jump cut to Sutherland arriving at Elizabeth’s apartment. He knocks but no one answers. He climbs around to the window and sees Geoff sitting in a chair. Not the way to treat your guests, Geoffrey.
00:48:30Sutherland scrambles behind the house and breaks in. I can see the spinoff movie now: former Health Department Chief turns in his badge for a life of crime.
00:50:17 He sneaks up into Elizabeth’s room and finds two Elizabeths! One who is asleep in the bed and another who is cocooned in plants. Choose wisely!
00:50:42 Geoff enters and Sutherland hides in the closet. Geoff inspects Elizabeth and leaves. What a caring boyfriend!
00:51:30Sutherland carries Elizabeth down the stairs. He throws her in his car and drives away. Never has a home invasion ever been more romantic.
00:52:46Spock reports to Goldblum and (random?) employee that there is no body in the Mud Baths. Goldblum rushes through all the rooms and discovers an open window. Come on, guys. You can’t be losing dead bodies that easily. It’s never a good sign. And it’s not good business!
00:54:04Sutherland returns with an awakened Elizabeth. He begins dialing the police. “Who are you waking up now, Donald?” Fucking Spock knows. “I’d like to report a body,” Sutherland says.
00:55:02Sutherland returns to Geoff’s police-surrounded home. Spock wanders into the crime scene (because I guess Spock can do that?) and discovers that Elizabeth’s cocooned twin is also missing.
00:56:20 The police threaten to take Sutherland in for breaking, entering and kidnapping Elizabeth. Spock tells them that it’s all good and calls them off (because I guess Spock can fucking do that??)
00:56:44 Woah, we just got consecutive smash-zooms on some faces. I just got way too much imagery of Spock and Sutherland’s nose hairs.
00:57:03 More smash-zooms! I have now seen everyone’s nose hairs.
00:57:37 Morning: the entourage explains the whole story to Spock, who just lays on the couch like an asshole and condescendingly disallows all of the information given to him. Who even invited this guy?
00:58:45 “People are being duplicated,” Elizabeth concludes. Spock rolls his eyes. “Bah humbug. Fuck any information or knowledge not bestowed by me! You are all fools and not worthy of my efforts. Beam me up to the Enterprise!”
00:59:18 “Come on, will you listen to how you all sound?” Spock scolds the group. It’s five on one, Spock. You can quit your fucking shenanigans, we’re fucking voting on facts now.
00:59:34 “You called me in the middle of the night to help,” Spock reasons, “that’s all I’m trying to do.” Yeah, who the fuck called this guy again?
Spock being just a complete asshole.
01:00:01 Confirmed: mud bath employee is Goldblum’s wife. They just have a strange relationship.
01:00:04Sutherland has since left to go hang out on the roof. As Goldblum does his typical Goldblum freak out, Spock joins Sutherland.
01:00:10 He tells Sutherland that he believes him but that he is skeptical. Why couldn’t you have acted reasonably all night, Spock?? Maybe he just likes being an asshole.
01:01:08Spock leaves; promises to call some other dude. He walks down the block to his vehicle. He gets in and is greeted by Geoff. “The sooner the better,” Geoff exhales.
01:01:10 Fucking Spock.
01:01:31Goldblum starts smelling a flower. How come we haven’t killed all the strange new plants yet?!
01:02:02Elizabeth begs him to put. the. flower. down. She had investigated and had not found a single description of it in her flower’s almanac. Or something.
01:02:21 “Well what is it?” Goldblum mocks, “a space flower?” Woah, woah. We jumped to space flower pretty doggone quick!
01:02:26 “Well why do we expect metal ships?” the wife questions. We just jumped to the rapid conclusion of aliens pretty fucking quick, you guys. Goldblum was simply smelling a pretty flower 60 seconds ago. Now we are having a panic attack over an alien invasion? I mean, I know he’s right but this turned rather quick.
01:03:05 “Aliens are happening now,” the wife decisively announces to Sutherland. Well, shit! I guess we have an alien plant invasion then. Only took a total of 90 seconds to decide this. Seems legit!
01:03:17Sutherland returns to his office and dials up Spock. His assistant answers and informs him that he is out of office. Sutherland makes another call, this one to an agency. He wants to report a claim of impostors. They ask him to keep it on the down-low as they do not wish to create a panic. They will call him back.
01:04:54 And they call him back. The Mayor’s assistant asks to meet in Union Square.
01:05:27 They meet. Sutherland leaves.
01:05:39Sutherland makes a call from a pay phone. His dial out becomes intercepted by the Mayor’s assistant’s secretary. She reminds him about discretion.
01:06:06 The pay phone rings. It’s a member of the federal preparedness agency. They pretty much tell him that he has no evidence and that he is crazy. They ask him for discretion.
01:06:26Sutherland tries a different pay phone. It rings and he answers. It’s the secretary again, telling him that he’s crazy and that his discretion is advised. Maybe stop picking up ringing pay phones, Sutherland. They don’t seem to be very kind people.
01:06:51Sutherland decides to visit his old friend from the dry cleaners. “No, she’s better now,” the man reassures, “much better now.” Okay, that’s good and all. But do you have my goddamn dress shirt?
Something’s up
01:07:31 Day turns to night. Goldblum and the others hide out at Sutherland’s apartment. Goldblum can’t find any clear stations on the radio. Just white noise.
01:08:34Spock returns and checks on Elizabeth who is laying in bed. Are we still inviting this guy over?
01:08:44 He gives her pills?? I know Spock is some kind of psychiatrist-author but he’s not a goddamn doctor, is he? Why does he have free rule over this faction??
01:09:39 Spock leaves. Sure, give out drugs and peace out. That doesn’t draw some concerns.
01:10:18Sutherland exits the house and applies a lock on the gate. He sits in a lawn chair and watches the cityscape.
01:11:15Sutherland falls asleep outside and the grass CRAWLS UP HIS SLEEVE?! The fucking grass is in on this too!?
01:12:03 The grass drags his DNA or whatever to this giant plant thing which no one recognized in his yard before and gives birth to an impostor Sutherland. Nooooo! No alien plant can replicate such a perm!
01:13:50 This birthing scene is still going on and I feel like I’m watching an actual birth. Please stop this.
01:14:45 Giant Alien Plant has now birthed four of these pod people and they’re just convulsing on the ground. Ughh, human birth may actually be less gross.
01:14:54Wife begins screaming and Sutherland awakens to find his poorly cloned perm laying next to him.
01:15:29 They rush inside to awaken the others. Sutherland gets on the phone and calls the police. He reports the new bodies and the dispatcher informs him, “we’ll be right there, Mr. (Sutherland).”
01:15:32 “How do you know my name?”
01:16:18Elizabeth looks outside. “The police are barricading the street.”
01:16:52 Figures begin sprinting towards the apartment.
01:17:32 The gang runs. As Sutherland runs past his poorly cloned perm, he stops and grabs a shovel. He brutally massacres his pod-person clone. Should have gotten the mustache right, Alien Plant.
01:18:50 The gang runs and the impostors chase.
01:20:42 They’re finally backed into a corner. Goldblum tells Sutherland and Elizabeth to hide and he’ll draw the impostors off. He kisses his wife and runs into the fray. Wife immediately renders his goodbye kiss meaningless and runs off after him.
01:22:31Sutherland and Elizabeth attempt to blend in but they are quickly discovered. Everybody knows members of the Pod People Cult exclusively wears Axe: Dark Temptation body spray!
01:23:01 Chase re-ensues.
01:23:45Sutherland and Elizabeth turn a corner and get away? They jump into a cab. “Airport, please.”
01:24:50 The cabbie questions their plans at the airport. Sutherland plays Captain Smooth and aces each intruding question.
01:25:35 The cab is stopped at a police road block but when the officer comes over to investigate the vehicle, it’s passengers have already left.
01:26:33Sutherland and Elizabeth finally decide to hide out at the Department of Health.
01:27:18 The police show up shortly after to investigate. This isn’t an alien invasion, this is a police invasion!
01:27:30 But really, why are the Pod People from Mars playing this coy and sending single police men to hunt down the last two (maybe) remaining humans in the city? Send the swarm of Pod People, guys! They’re not getting away if you go full-on invasion. The Pod People obviously lack a strong leader.
01:28:11Sutherland and Elizabeth escape Pod Policeman’s watch. Then they make out. CANNNN YOU FEEEEELLLL THE LOVEEEEE TONIGHTTTTTT? THE PEACE THE EVENING BRINGSSSSSSSS. THE WORLD FOR ONCEEEEE, IN PERFECT HARMONYYYYY. WITH ALL ITS LIVING THINGSSSSS!
END CREDITS
01:28:14 Just kidding. Although I could totally accept that ending.
01:29:11Sutherland peaks through the blinds. The impostors continue their impostoring deeds, carrying their humanoid cocoons throughout the city. This could turn out to be a real cute twin thing if these two groups ever find a peaceful middle ground.
01:30:12 “Don’t fall asleep,” Sutherland warns. And with that, Wes Craven was influenced to create Nightmare on Elm Street.
01:30:13 The phone rings. Sutherland and Elizabeth refuse to answer. Somewhere, Ghost Face Killah punches a hole through the wall.
01:30:37 “Here take some speed,” Elizabeth offers, “it’ll keep us awake.”
“How many?”
“It says take one.”
“Take five,” Sutherland swallows the drugs. Invasion of the Body Snatchers just got interesting!
01:31:05Goldblum and Wife appear in the Department of Health. And they brought friends!
01:31:24Spock is with them and no one is surprised. I guess they just accepted that either this asshole is already a Pod Person or he’s jerk enough to just go with it anyway.
01:32:08Spock injects Sutherland with a needle. Are we sure this guy is a licensed doctor?
01:32:11 Also Sutherland just took five speed pills. He’s totally going to O.D. with this horse tranquilizer shit Spoke is shooting him up with.
01:32:42 “I hate you,” Elizabeth tells Spock. Me too, Elizabeth. Me too.
01:33:24 Alien Spock begins another condescending lecture. Christ, this guy may be more of an asshole than the psychiatrist in Psycho.
01:33:49 “We arrived here,” Spock monologues, “from a dying planet.”
01:34:25 “…. pushed on by the solar winds…” when this monologue started, Geoff was still a human being.
01:34:42 “… the function of life…. is survival…” I’m pretty sure Sutherland’s speed pills have worn off over the course of this lecture.
01:34:51Sutherland pushes Spock and strangles Goldblum. Elizabeth breaks a bottle over Spock’s head. Enough of your fucking monologuing!
01:35:03 They stash Spock’s unconscious body in the freezer and begin their escape.
01:35:27Sutherland and Elizabeth run into Wife on the staircases. They freeze and Wife stares. She finally breaks the silence with tears, “(Goldblum) and I got separated, I can’t find him.”
01:35:47 “How did you get in here,” Sutherland interrogates.
“They’re easy to fool,” Wife explains, “don’t show any emotions and they can’t identify you.”
Now that explains why they hired such a forgettable actress!
01:36:31 The gang walk out of the Health Department lobby. Their blank expressions fool their intruders.
01:37:31 They’re detected by some crazy looking dog with a bearded human face (I don’t fucking know). An old Pod lady screams like a siren; Sutherland full-on slaps her.
01:37:43Sutherland and Elizabeth begin running as the impostors direct their attention unto them. Wife sneaks away into the shadows.
01:38:15 They sprint and board a moving semi truck. It outpaces their attackers and continues on.
01:39:10 They reach their destination: a construction yard full of fork lifts, construction vehicles, and cocoons. The two of them escape undetected.
01:40:54Elizabeth realizes that now would be the worst time to sprain one’s ankle so she does exactly that. Sutherland carries her into some foliage. They notice ships in the harbor so Sutherland goes off to investigate a possible escape route. Bagpipes play ‘Amazing Grace’ in the background. Apparently, in the Pod People’s limited time on Earth, they’ve learned the art of bagpipes.
01:42:55Sutherland realizes that the ships are alien controlled as well so he returns to Elizabeth, who has fallen asleep.
01:43:39 By the way, how long ago did Spock inject Sutherland with that sedative? Is the speed counteracting against it?
01:44:16 Woahhh. Elizabeth just fucking melted in Sutherland’s hands. That’s new. Sutherland cries.
01:44:29 A completely naked Elizabeth appears behind him. Sutherland is simultaneously horrified and slightly aroused.
01:44:57 She begs him to join her. One of us. One of us. Sutherland runs.
01:46:22 He climbs up scaffolding and sneaks around on the catwalk of the facility’s Greenhouse of Evil. He sets his eyes on an ax. Fuck yeah.
01:47:15 He grabs the ax and hacks away at the massive overhanging lights in the Greenhouse of Evil. The beam of bulbs fall and IGNITE THE ALIEN PLANTS IN BLAZING FIRE.
01:48:36 The whole facility goes up in flames. Still-completely naked Elizabeth arrives to witness the destruction. She points up to Sutherland on the catwalk and screams the Pod People’s trademarked Siren sound.
01:49:22Sutherland is chased by the impostors but the exploding Greenhouse of Horrors engulfs most of the invaders.
01:50:34Sutherland sneaks underneath the dock as the search continues. One of the Pod People sticks a flashlight down one of the gaps in the dock and shines it right into the camera. The screen goes white.
01:51:01 Daylight. Sutherland stands in the middle of town square as children hop off a school bus and cocoons are carried off trucks.
01:51:40 He returns to the Department of Health and watches as scientists in the lab experiment with equipment. He then leaves to sit in his office.
01:52:42 He notices others in the hall walking single file. He rises and joins them. He eventually breaks off and wanders around town square. He hears his name and stops. To his left is Wife. She approaches him but stops. Sutherland points his finger and screams the siren of the Pod People. Wife drops helplessly to her knees.
END CREDITS
That’s a wrap on Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Whoever thought plants could do so much damage? Well we learned to not trust rare species of flowers because they may try to clone you and take over the universe, that Spock can be a complete dick sometimes and that Goldblum has quite the awkward relationship with his wife.
I mean seriously. I apologize for how confusing this diary log must be with not giving her a name but he really just treated her like some random employee at a mud bathhouse. And I’m not giving her a name in editing either! We’re keeping it this way!
Anyway, Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a pretty good horror film. It’s already considered a classic but I don’t think this generation ever considers it when rattling off the best horror movies. Oh and Donald Sutherland pulls off the best mustache/perm combo in film history. No one will ever come close.
Sources
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Dir. Philip Kaufman. Perf. Donald Sutherland, Brooke Adams. Solofilm, 1978.
00:00:00 Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock’s horror classic Psycho!
Yeah, let’s just get to it!
Take us away, Mr. Hitchcock!
00:00:30 Andddd we’re black and white. CAN YOU FEEL THAT GRITTINESS?!
00:00:54 The opening orchestra rocks out with the Pyscho theme music as the beginning credits stream by. Did you know George Lucas’ Star Wars was one of the first films to do the production credits after the movie? Before Star Wars, every movie had a two minute opening credits sequence.
00:02:21 And we begin!
00:02:30 A cue card reads Phoenix, Arizona. Friday December 11th, 2:43 pm.
00:03:30 We open up in a couple’s bedroom. The man begs her not to go into work today, that he needs her at home.
00:03:44 Scratch that, apparently they are in a hotel room because the man is having an out-of-town affair.
00:05:46 The couple have some sort of deep conversation about their complicated relationship but I’m not interested. The woman has short blonde hair. She wants more commitment from her man but the guy rattles off like seven different excuses why they can’t extend their intimacy past sketchy hotel sex.
00:07:37 The blonde haired woman, Marion Cane, finally returns to work. Apparently this was her lunch break?
00:07:40Marion is a secretary at a realtor’s office. Big housing business going down in southern Arizona, I hear.
00:08:15 A cowboy-wannabe client comes into the office and tries flirting with Marion by talking about his own daughter. Why don’t characters in horror movies know how to flirt? This is beginning to become a dilemma!
00:08:38 “You know what I do with my unhappiness?” The client questions Marion, “I buy it off. Are you unhappy?” Now there’s a pickup line!
00:08:47 She shuts him down though. The cowboy hat wearing-client continues to brag about the house he is about to buy from her agency. “I have 40,000 cash,” and Marion’s boss’ jaw drops.
00:10:04 Marion’s boss instructs her to put the $40,000 in the safe. He doesn’t want it sitting in the office all weekend.
00:10:50Marion asks to be excused for the day, cites a headache. But she will bring the client’s money to the bank.
00:11:28Marion returns home and surprise! She never brought the money to the bank. She packs a suitcase and high tails it out of the state. Yeah! Fuck, Arizona, amirite?
00:13:08 She begins her drive out of Phoenix. She daydreams of her lover but is brought back to reality when she stops at a crosswalk and her boss and client stroll by. She panics but her boss merely gives her attention.
00:14:37 A police car pulls over to investigate an immobilized car on the side of the road. He peers in and Marion awakes. He probes her with some basic questions but Marion appears startled.
00:16:14 The officer requests her license and registration. He checks her plates and returns her identification to her. She drives away.
00:17:00 The officer begins to follow her.
00:17:19 She takes some exit ramps and the officer continues a steady pursuit.
00:17:45 Finally, the officer pulls off.
00:18:32Marion drives into a car dealership and grabs a newspaper while waiting for an employee to help her. The police officer returns. Take it easy, Michael Myers, she’s not that into you.
00:19:28Marion asks the dealer if she can trade in her car. She peers over her shoulder as the officer watches from across the street. Just saying, Marion probably doesn’t have this ongoing conflict if she doesn’t act so suspicious when the police officer asks her how her day’s going. “Uh uh uh fine sir. Now go away!” does not qualify for ‘keeping one’s cool’.
Now she’s trying to trade in her vehicle with the officer watching from across the street? You have to chill, girl!
00:22:42 The car dealer admits to Marion that he has some concerns about someone just swinging by and buying a car without even a test run. “I’m not on the run or anything,” Marion speaks all too fast, “What, you don’t like spontaneous women?”
00:22:45 By the way, the dealer has been glancing over to the onlooking police officer. Come on, Marion, poker face!
00:23:02 The dealer and Marion go into the office to finalize the transaction. The police officer pulls into the dealership and looks around.
00:23:36Marion emerges from the office and, upon seeing the police officer, enters her new car and begins to drive away.
00:23:40 “Hey!” a mechanic shouts. Marion stops the vehicle. “You forgot your suitcase, m’aam.”
The car dealer and the police office exchange puzzled looks. Smoooooth, Marion.
00:23:45Marion drives away. She day dreams of the potential conversation between the dealer and the officer.
00:24:31 Day turns to night. Marion begins to day dream about her boss finding out about the money. She starts to panic. Play it coooool, Marion. You have dodged two unnecessary bullets already. Stop creating conflict for yourself! You’re cool girl. Where the fuck are we driving to anyway?!
“LOL I don’t know where I’m driving to!”
00:26:07 Torrential downpours impair Marion’s vision. She pulls over to the Bates Motel. The sign is lit up for Vacancy and no vehicles occupy the lot. Marion chooses this as her destination anyway. Our girl Marion cannot make decisions under pressure.
00:27:56 The office is locked. Marion notices a light emitting from the neighboring house. A man walks past one of the windows. Marion jumps back into her car and starts wailing on the horn. Jesus Christ, Marion, alrightttt.
00:28:37 A man emerges and apologizes. He opens up the office. “12 vacancies, 12 cabins! Your lucky day!” You have to get the fuck out of there, Marion.
00:29:14Marion signs for a room anyway. Dammit Marion. Do you want to use one of your life lines and ask the audience? Phone a friend? We need an intervention.
00:30:11 The man, Norman Bates, sets her up in room number one. “Because it’s close to the office,” Bates grins.
Hello, Norman Bates
00:30:59Bates asks Marion to have dinner with him up at the house. Marion accepts. Goddammit Marion. We offered you life lines, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style. Not many other protagonists get that chance!
00:32:03Marion unpacks her suitcase. Oh nowwwww you feel safe?
00:32:35Marion overhears voices from the house on the hill. A raspy-voiced woman scolds Norman over the lady he offered dinner to. Norman argues with his mother and returns to Room #1.
00:33:56Norman brings down tea for Marion. He breaks the news that she’s not allowed to come for dinner. Whew, dodged a bullet with that one. “Well, since you brought tea,” Marion begins, “why don’t we have some in your office.” Christ, Marion.
00:35:31Marion eats and Norman watches. “You eat like a bird,” Norman compliments. Thanks, Norman?
00:36:10 “My hobby is stuffing things,” Norman offers unprovoked. He tells Marion that his hobby is taxidermy. Marion is fascinated. Christ.
00:37:00 We would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being. She is now flirting with Norman Bates. So the police officer who checks on your safety is ‘out to get you’ but the strange man who ‘stuffs things’ and watches you eat is cool? Arizona is weird, man.
00:37:20 “Do you have any friends to go along with those hobbies?” Marion flirts “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother,” Norman utters under his breath. I’ve ran out of warning flags. I have to walk around and pick them back up just in case I need to throw more into the air.
00:37:31 “Where are you headed?” the strange man asks. “I’m looking for a private island,” Marion answers.
00:37:40 “What are you running away from?”
00:37:45 “Well why do you say that?”
00:38:42Norman and Marion then discuss his mother. I don’t remember how we got here.
00:39:30Norman gives Marion the brief history of his mother and the hotel. Her husband convinced her to invest in it but passed away rather gruesomely. “She’s been rather ill since,” Norman delivers.
00:40:52 “See,” Norman concludes, “I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become.” Marion just stares. Come on, Marion, I’ve pick up all my red flags. I’m throwing two more right in your face. You’ve. got. to. leave.
00:40:21Marion offers her opinion that Norman should put his mother somewhere, like an institution.
00:41:04Norman is offended. He glares at Marion and defends his mother. By the way, I haven’t seen him blink in about five minutes.
00:42:15 “It’s not… that she’s a maniac,” Norman stutters, “she just goes a little mad sometimes.” His eyes raise to meet Marion. “We all go a little mad sometimes.” His stare travels miles through her.
00:42:36 A grin breaks his face, “Haven’t you?”
00:42:40Marion shyly answers, “yes. One time. Sometimes one time is enough.”
00:43:01Norman’s grin holds.
00:43:42Marion tells Bates that she plans to go back to Arizona tomorrow. She has business she hopes on fixing. She leaves and Norman returns to his office.
00:44:44 He stands unflinching for around 20 seconds then approaches the wall and removes a painting. A tiny peep hole appears. He puts his eye to the oculus and watches Marion undress. Creepy, bro.
00:46:01 He finally leaves the office and returns to the house.
00:46:32 Marion calculates her spendings thus far in the trip. She shakes her head at it and then rips it to shreds.
00:47:07 She enters the bathroom and disrobes to shower.
00:47:32 As she showers, a shadow approaches behind the curtain. A woman rips the divider back and reveals a butcher’s knife. She stabs Marion repeatedly and her blood washes down the drain.
Uh-oh
00:49:08 Gee, no wonder why the Bates Motel isn’t popular. How many stars do you think it got on Expedia?
00:49:55 The camera pans up to the house. “Mother, what’s this blood?” Norman questions, “oh god!”
00:50:05 He rushes down to Room #1. Marion’s death is confirmed. Beside himself, he leaves the room and returns to his office.
00:51:38 He emerges with a mop and bucket. So is this a common occurrence? He’s got supplies on hand. The mop is practically labeled, “blood only.”
00:52:37Norman begins disposing of the body.
00:52:51 What do you think? 2.5 stars? It’s got a good per-night price and if you don’t insult Mrs. Bates you could make it a second night half price!
00:54:14Norman wipes down the entire bathroom. Exceptional maid service! Can’t say anything about the customer service though. Call back later.
00:55:38 Oh my god are we still cleaning up the crime scene? Am I supposed to root for Norman Bates because he seems like a pretty nice guy who is above average at cleaning blood out of showers?
00:56:51Bates puts Marion’s body in her car and finishes up the cleaning. Somehow he has yet to find the $40,000.
00:57:38 He has packed her suitcase, wrapped the body up and even folded her clothes nicely. The $40,000 still sits wrapped in newspaper on the bed stand. He even stole her comb! Dude!!!
00:57:40 HE LEAVES THE ROOM WITH THE ONLY THING LEFT BEING THE MONEY IN THE NEWSPAPER! Can we offer Norman some life lines?
00:58:08Norman, having chose ‘ask the audience,’ returns to the room to pick up the newspaper. He casually tosses it into the trunk and drives away.
00:59:06 He drives the car into a swamp and ditches it. It sinks.
00:59:37 I don’t get it, man. You’re so detail oriented but when it comes to the weight of a normal newspaper, you’re oblivious. $40,000 of cash is heavy. Newspapers? Typically aren’t that heavy.
01:01:24 Marion’s sister Lila shows up at Marion’s boy toy’s hardware store. She’s looking for Marion. Boy Toy gives about seven different excuses why he wouldn’t know where Marion is. Smooooth.
01:01:50 Marion’s been missing for nearly a week and Lila is concerned.
01:02:16 Another man enters. He introduces himself as Private Investigator Arbogast. “Where is she, Miss Crane?”
01:02:32 PI Arbogast informs them about his case against Marion. “She’s got 40,000 reasons to disappear.”
01:03:55Arbogast firmly believes she is in the same town as her boy toy. Cue investigation montage!
01:04:36 Montage ends with Arbogast arriving at the Bates Motel.
01:05:03 “Evening,” Norman greets the man, “we have vacancies. Twelve in fact. Twelve cabins, twelve vacancies.”
01:05:50Arbogast questions Bates about his missing person. He hands Bates a picture but he shakes his head.
01:07:01Arbogast continues to dig at Bates but Norman keeps his cool. See, Marion, if you took some lessons from the awkward taxidermist, you could have avoided a mother’s rage fit.
01:07:37Arbogast checks the hotel log and notices an alias similar to Marion’s. Bate chews his gum harder. “Want to take a look at the picture again?” Arbogast offers.
01:07:58 “Oh yeah I do remember her….”
01:08:12Bates provides the story of his interactions with Marion. Arbogast messes with his psyche. Note to Marion: maybe don’t take lessons from Norman.
01:09:39Norman mentions that she paid in cash but I wonder if he even got paid. She never checked out and then Bates sank the 40 grand down with the ship.
01:09:41 That’s what I call a sunk cost. I’ll show myself out.
01:10:40Bates offers to show Arbogast all twelve of the cabins. The Private Investigator is distracted by a figure in the window of the house. Bates tells him that it’s his mother but she is confined. Norman lets slip that his mother interacted with Marion but declines when Arbogast asks for a conversation.
01:13:20Arbogast drives to a pay phone and reports his findings to Lila. He’s slightly suspicious of the motel.
01:14:30 The orchestra has not stopped once in the entire movie. I think it’s infecting my mind. My entire life will now be narrated by a grand orchestra.
01:14:35 Actually that doesn’t sound all too bad.
01:15:59 Arbogast returns to the Bates Motel but does not find Norman. He investigates and wanders up into the house.
01:16:10 By the way, maybe we should add ‘motels with completely open vacancies’ to the DO NOT ENTER list. Marion had 40 grand and she couldn’t find a better hotel?
01:17:30Arbogast explores the house. He lingers a little too long at a shadow underneath the door. Mama Bates emerges with her good ole butcher’s knife and murders Arbogast.
01:19:00 Back at the hardware store, Lila and Boy Toy panic over Arbogast’s radio silence. Boy Toy drives up to the Bates Motel to investigate but he returns with nothing.
01:20:38Boy Toy and Lila decide to see some Doctor. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s got connections to Doctor Loomis. Michael and the Bates family have similar murder techniques anyway.
01:22:55 My bad, turns out the doctor is really a sheriff. I’m bummed. A Bates/Myers crossover film could have been kick ass.
01:23:08 They finally convince the sheriff to call Norman Bates’ telephone. Bates answers.
01:23:36Norman tells the sheriff that the Private Investigator came and went. Lila pries that Arbogast called and said he was returning to speak with Mama Bates.
01:23:59 The Sheriff snickers. “M’aam, Mrs. Bates has been dead for the last eight years.” Dun dun dunnnnnnn!
01:24:03 Oh what? Come on, grand orchestra, you can’t give me that?
01:24:30 Sheriff tells them about the murder-suicide between her and the lover. The sheriff’s interest is peaked when Boy Toy mentions seeing an old women sitting in the window of the house.
01:25:55Norman Bates puts down the phone receiver. He climbs the stairs and enters his mom’s bedroom. A woman’s voice projects from the room and converses with Bates. He threatens to carry her out of her room and he does. False alarm guys, Norman Bates is only moderately insane..
01:28:33Lila and Boy Toy construct a plan: they will go to the Bates Motel and register as husband and wife to investigate on their own.
01:29:44 They meet Norman and receive a room. Busy week for the Bates Motel! They must be getting some good reviews on Trip Advisor!
01:31:05Bates gave the couple Room #10. Unless he has other peep holes, Bates subconsciously admits that he’s not all that interested in Marion’s sister. Lila is insulted! But not really.
01:32:48Lila and Boy Toy sneak into Room #1 while Bates is AWOL. They search the place high and low but, gosh darn it, that Norman Bates is one hell of a maid!
01:33:54Lila finds a shard of paper that Marion shredded. It is the decisive shard as well; it has most of the ‘$40,000’ figure written on it. What a find!
01:34:52 Mama Bates fires Norman from maid duties.
01:35:09Boy Toy finds Norman in his office and distracts him while Lila climbs up to the house.
01:36:02Lila finds the front door left opened and she enters.
01:36:31Boy Toy does some seducing on Norman Bates to keep his attention away from the intruder. Be careful, Boy Toy, I hear Norman is into some kinky stuff.
01:37:26Lila invades Mama Bates’ bedroom. She notices the natural imprint of a sleeping body in the mattress.
01:38:58Lila investigates further. She enters the adjacent room and finds a much smaller cot and a bunch of stuffed animals.
01:39:41 Awww fuck. I just figured it all out. Fuckkkkkk.
01:40:02Boy Toy drops the buzz word “40 grand” and Norman freaks. He takes a heavy object and knocks Boy Toy out cold.
01:40:49Lila hides and Norman rushes back into the house. She sneaks down into the cellar and finds a woman sitting in the corner.
01:41:09 “Mrs. Bates?” Lila approaches, “Mrs. Bates?” She touches the woman’s shoulder and spins her around. Mama Bates’ eye sockets are empty and she’s been motherfucking taxidermied. What the fucking fuck, Norman!?
01:41:25 Lila screams and turns around. Norman Bates is in the doorway dressed as his mother with his butcher’s knife held high.
01:41:32Mrs. Norman Bates charges but he is restrained by SUPERMAN BOY TOY. Whatta hero!
01:42:05Lila and Boy Toy end up in the police station. A psychiatrist is interrogating Bates. No more than 20 seconds pass and the psychiatrist bursts through the door like he’s goddamn Kramer. “Oh I’ve got the story alright!” the psychiatrist brags. He pauses and glares around the room for dramatic effect. Okay, dude, you’re a psychiatrist. Stop trying to withhold information like a teenager with juicy new gossip.
01:42:10 “And I got it….” sigh, “from his mother!” Dun dun dunnnnn. Oh wait. We already knew about that. That’s totally yesterday’s news, man. Go back over to the nerdddsss table.
01:42:32 “See,” the psychiatrist continues, “his mother no longer exists. She only half exists within him. But now, the other half has taken over…” pauses again, “probably for all time.” When did fucking Socrates show up to the party?
01:42:40 “Did he kill my sister?” asks Lila.
01:42:42 “Yes…” the psychiatrist finally gives a straight answer… “and no!” Le sigh. We were so close.
01:43:03 Confusion. Lila speaks. “But then my sister is…”
01:43:05 “Yup, dead.” Wow, thanks for beating us around the bush, Plato.
01:43:44 Okay, I’m done with this guy. He’s doing a monologue like he battled fucking dragons and a swarm of zombies to speak to Norman Bates. He continues on to tell us that Norman killed both his mother and his step father and probably killed many other motel residents. But he does it in the most asshole way imaginable.
01:45:05 Come on, man. We’re at the hour forty-five mark. Stop stretching this ‘Norman Bates isn’t a real boy’ conclusion out for five fucking minutes.
01:45:21 “…so he assumed that she was jealous of him. Therefore, a strong attraction to another woman would cause the mother side of him to go wild….” Lila falls asleep and Boy Toy finds a new woman to cheat on his wife with.
01:45:33 “… when he met your sister, he was touched by her, aroused by her. That’s what set off the jealous mother and the mother kills the girl…” the police officers solve 16 additional cold cases in the time of this asshole’s undeserved monologue.
01:45:40 “… and like a dutiful son, he cleaned up the crime that he was convinced his mother convicted…” When this monologue started this movie was a silent talkie.
01:46:14 “… but he was doing everything he could to keep the illusion of his mother being alive…” When this monologue started, the Romans occupied all twelve rooms of the Bates Motel.
01:46:31 “… he’d walk around the house, sit in her chair, speak in her voice…” When this monologue started, Mrs. Bates actually existed.
01:46:52 “… and that’s what I meant when I said I got the story from his mother.” Holy cow, are you finally finished!?
01:46:47 “…..” asshole stares around the room at the bored-to-death people in the room. “See, when the mind believes…” fuckkkkkkk!
01:47:04 “What about the $40,000?” someone finally asks. “Oh it’s lost in the swamp.” Alright, that’s all we need to know. Let’s wrap up the movi…
01:47:07 “… see, Mrs. Bates is about passion, not profit…” I’m pretty sure Norman Bates could have been tried in front of a jury in the time this asshole monologued.
01:48:01 Marion’s car is fished out of the swamp and that nice old Cowboy gets to buy his $40,000 home! All’s well that ends well!
End
That’s a wrap on Psycho. Norman Bates could be a sick crossover film with Michael Myers. Or he can even soothsay for Jason Voorhees. Can we build the slasher Avengers?
Basically if Marion doesn’t rob the client then have a complete breakdown of her common sense, this movie doesn’t happen.
Worse, Marion could have saved me from the psychiatrists monologue. That was rather selfish of you, Marion.
Sources
Psycho. Dir. Alfred Hitchcock. Perf. Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh. Shamley Productions, 1960.
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Horror Holiday 
