00:00:00 What would Halloween be without watching Michael Myers force his family to love him? We’re writing about the original Halloween, the movie that Friday the 13th admittedly ripped off; oh and also spawned about ten sequels and two Rob Zombie remakes.
Halloween is John Carpenter’s masterpiece. I just wrote up Scream the other day and it’s director, Wes Craven, takes one too many shots at the king. Sure, he made a lot of shitty films after the fact but the man invented the slasher horror genre and introduced us to the Scream Queen herself, Jamie Lee Curtis.
So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Halloween on Halloween!
00:00:57 We’re staring at a poorly carved pumpkin as the infamous Halloween music plays. “Introducing Jamie Lee Curtis.” GET HYPED!
00:02:23 Cue card reads Haddonfield, Illinois. Halloween Night, 1963.
00:03:05 We get some first-person camera-angle action while approaching a house. We look through the side window and watch a couple make out. They leave the room and continue the action upstairs in the bedroom.
00:04:20 We enter the back door and grab a butcher’s knife from the kitchen drawer. Hopefully this isn’t a Mrs. Voorhees fake-out again? I was super disappointed, in Friday the 13th, when I found that our first person bad assery wasn’t because we were Jason. We were goddamn Betsy Palmer. Such bullshit.
00:04:35 Also, Friday the 13th directly ripped off Halloween’s opening sequence. Were there any legal suits filed after that was released?
00:05:42 The boyfriend leaves the house. Guess he gets business done quick? We put on a mask and sneak behind our half naked sister.
00:05:50 We stab our half naked sister.
00:06:25 We exit the house and approach our parents who just pulled up in their car. Father pulls the mask off our face and the camera spins around to show us, in full clown costume holding a bloody butcher’s knife.
00:06:30 Is it safe to say Stephen King was influenced from this image alone?
00:06:36 Oh and by the way, it’s confirmed. I can finally say it! WE ARE MICHAEL FUCKING MYERS!
00:07:09 Smith’s Grove, Illinois. October 30th, 1978.
00:08:01 A nurse drives Dr. Sam Loomis through the rain. They are heading to the asylum. She’s nervous. Being a nurse and it being 1978, she’s obviously smoking cigarettes.
00:08:30 Loomis briefs the nurse on his client. He hasn’t spoken in 15 years and he needs to be heavily sedated.
00:08:47 “You’re serious about it, aren’t you,” the nurse pokes, “you never want him to get out?”
“Never,” Loomis replies, “never, ever.” Never ever ever??
00:09:38 The car pulls up to the hospital and a number of patients are wandering around outside in the rain. Loomis goes to check with the guard and one of the patients climbs on top of the vehicle and grabs the nurse’s hair. Maybe he just wants to bum a cigarette.
00:11:01 For some reason, the nurse dives from the car and into a ditch. The patient steals the vehicle and drives away. A successful heist!
00:11:05 Loomis panics.
00:11:07 Michael Myers is free.
00:11:11 Haddonfield. Halloween.
00:12:28 Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie Strode, walks through her peaceful suburban neighborhood on her way to high school. She runs into the child she’s supposed to baby sit tonight (Tommy) and they chit chat all buddy buddy. What a beautiful town! Nothing can go wrong today!
00:14:20 Curtis detours at a run down house and drops off a set of keys. Her parents are realtors and they’re selling the old Myers’ house. After she turns, a figure appears and watches her walk away. Michael is totally checking Jamie Lee out.
00:14:45 Dr. Loomis screams at the inept asylum warden. No client of Loomis escapes under his watch! He exclaims that Haddonfield is in danger. “I know exactly where he’s going.”
“Oh yeah?” the inept warden teases, “Come on, Doc. He doesn’t even know how to drive.”
“Well he drove pretty well last night!” Loomis gets in his car, “someone must have been giving him lessons.” Loomis pulls out of a handicap spot in which he was double parked in.
00:15:44 Curtis is super bored in class so she stares out the window. A head watches her from behind a parked car across the street. She returns her attention to class but when she gazes back out towards the suspicious figure, him and the car are gone. Dun dun dunnnn.
00:16:35 Jerk kids tease Tommy at school. They trip him and he falls and smashes his pumpkin. Awwwww.
00:17:41 Michael Myers witnesses all of this. He scares off the bullies and stalks slowly behind Tommy while he walks home. What a good guy that Michael is! Always looking out for people’s safety. Maybe we should nominate Mr. Myers for neighborhood watch!
00:20:24 Jamie Lee Curtis and her two gal pals walk home from school. Curtis turns around and notices that the car from earlier is following them. The figure stares at them as he passes but then accelerates ahead. “Hey! Speed kills!” shouts one of Curtis’ friends.
The car abruptly stops. The group stares and, after a minute, the vehicle speeds off.
00:24:12 Curtis begins seeing the strange figure sneaking peaks at her while walking home. Michael totally has a little crush.
00:26:27 She finally returns home and witnesses the masked figure staring at her through her window.
00:27:27 The phone rings. Jamie Lee Curtis answers. “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Nah just kidding. Nobody answers her hellos and she hangs up.
00:29:05 Jamie Lee gets ready for her babysitting adventure. Her friend picks her up. I’d give her friend a real name but I honestly don’t know the character’s name or the actress who plays her. We’ll call her Brown Eyed Girl. You’re welcome, Van Morrison.
00:30:27 Loomis arrives in Haddonfield. Surprisingly he only caused two highway pile ups! He has an undertaker lead him to Myers’ parent’s tombstone. The undertaker attempts to lecture him on the history of Michael Myers like it’s some tourist attraction but Loomis tells him to shut up, bitch.
00:30:45 Loomis finds the tombstone unearthed and missing. “Michael’s home.” You’re goddamn right he is!
00:31:14 Brown Eyed Girl and Jamie Lee smoke some weed while driving and listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Michael Myers’ car pulls around the intersection and tailgates them. This guy is freaking everywhere. He’s taking his responsibility as neighborhood watch seriously.
00:33:45 Brown Eyed Girl teases Curtis that she should ask somebody to the Halloween dance. I’m sure Michael would be interested. Maybe he’s just trying to find the perfect time to ask Curtis. So cute. He should hold a boom box over his head Say Anything…-style and have his theme music blasting through the subs. How could she say no!
00:35:30 It’s dark and Brown Eyed Girl finally reaches their destination. Somehow the mysterious car followed them the whole time without anyone checking the rear view mirror. Curtis gets out of the car and Brown Eyed Girl pulls into the house across the street. Apparently she is babysitting for a neighboring child but Jamie Lee and Brown Eyed Girl failed to plan a joint babysitting operation.
00:37:24 Loomis and a local sheriff inspect the old Myers’ home. Loomis tells the sheriff his experience with Michael. He met him when he was six years old and was his doctor for eight more. “What I saw behind those eyes were pure evil.”
“What do we do?” the sheriff offers. Seriously? A medical doctor says he saw pure evil and that’s evidence enough that this is a serious threat? I mean, good instincts because you are totally right. But typically I think you should take the claim of ‘pure evil’ with a grain of salt when it comes to interpreting the law.
00:39:34 Loomis decides that he will stay in the Myers house as he believes Michael will return home. Your call, dude.
00:41:40 Brown Eyed Girl calls Curtis and gossips about a potential date she just nabbed. Don’t taunt Michael, Moondance.
00:42:53 Brown Eyed Girl pours coffee all over herself and decides that the appropriate action is to strip completely naked. Michael watches from the outside window but gets too embarrassed and rushes off.
00:45:32 Tommy says that he is afraid of the boogeyman. See, John Carpenter, you saved the horror genre! No more lame, old boogeyman. Now we even have cult slashers!
00:46:41 Apparently Brown Eyed Girl’s laundry machine is outside in a completely different building from the house. She goes outside and Michael locks her in the laundry outhouse.
00:48:17 The girl she is babysitting finally gets up from the couch and frees her babysitter. Brown Eyed Girl receives a call from her boyfriend who says that his parents are gone and they should totally hook up. Brown Eyed Girl drops her child off with Curtis. Jerk move, Caravan.
00:51:48 Neighborhood Watch Commander Michael will make you pay for your sins of horniness!
00:53:45 Brown Eyed Girl hops into her car and realizes that the windows are all fogged up. Michael springs from the back seat and stabs Brown Eyed Girl to death. You get ‘em, Captain Myers!
00:56:18 Tommy glances across the street and sees Michael carrying Brown Eyed Girl into the house. Wow, way to be discreet, Mike.
00:58:08 Loomis creepily stalks behind the bushes at Michael’s house. I thought when he said he’ll wait for Michael and all, he’d wait inside or even in his car. But hiding in the bushes is so much weirder, dude. Some punk kids show up and dare each other to knock on Old Man Myers’ door.
“Hey, kid,” Loomis distorts his voice, “get your ass away from there.” He giggles as the kids scatter. Come on, Looms. You’re a grown-ass man.
00:58:25 The sheriff returns and questions Loomis’ legitimacy. Apparently ‘pure evil’ doesn’t check out with the Police Captain. “Death has come to your town,” tries Loomis. ‘Man, that sure sounds spooky!’ says Sheriff No-Brains, ‘You have my attention, Doc!’
01:00:25 Jamie Lee’s other best friend shows up at crime scene numero uno. Her and her boyfriend start hooking up as Michael watches from the other room. Be safe, kids! And always wear a condom! Thanks Mike! Whatta guy!
01:03:01 Other best friend (we’ll call her Sheryl Crow. I don’t even have a reason) has sex with her boyfriend in the bed of the family Brown Eyed Girl was babysitting. That’s totally weird and I think qualifies for neighborhood watch intervention.
01:03:11 Oh hey Michael! This guy is never too far away from a neighborhood-related incident.
01:04:29 The boyfriend heads down to the kitchen for some food. Michael jumps out of the kitchen cabinet and holds the teen up by his throat. “Halt,” the imaginary-Michael-Myers-in-my-head says, “you have violated the sanctity of this home. You must now vacate the premises….” Real-Michael Myers just stabs him with his butcher’s knife and lets him hang from it for a while. Ummm I guess the punishment fits the crime? We may need to bring this case up at the next PTA meeting, Mike.
01:06:19 Sheryl Crow is laying in bed when Michael opens the bedroom door cloaked in a ghost-like sheet and her (ex-)boyfriend’s glasses. 10 points for creativity, Michael!
01:07:11 Topless Sheryl Crow has an awkward one-way conversation with her not-boyfriend. To break off the awkwardness, she calls Jamie Lee Curtis. Michael chooses to make his move, strangling Crow with the telephone cord. Curtis, though, just assumes it’s her sex noises and laughs it off.
01:08:49 Curtis redials the house but nobody answers. Ghost Face Killah would have punched a goddamn wall.
01:09:19 Meanwhile, back with Loomis dicking around behind the bushes….
01:10:01 He turns around, like literally turns around and recognizes the car Michael stole from him the night before. How long have you been standing facing the bushes, Looms, and not noticed your damn vehicle 50 feet away. You’ve been here for hours!
01:11:05 Jamie Lee Curtis walks over to the neighboring house to investigate on her friends. I think she’s secretly worried they’re throwing a house party and she wasn’t invited. Teenagers, man.
01:12:57 She wanders around back and notices the door ajar. She enters.
01:13:45 She adventures around the dark house, for some reason refusing to turn any lights on during her investigation. She cautiously ascends the stair case.
01:15:14 Curtis notices a light escaping from underneath the bed room door. She wades in and finds Brown Eyed Girl sprawled out atop the bed with Judith Myers’, Michael’s mother, tombstone balanced on the head board.
01:15:45 The Scream Queen screams.
01:15:57 Jamie Lee also finds the boyfriend’s and still half-naked Sheryl Crow’s bodies hanging out in the room.
01:16:05 Don’t panic, Curtis. I think Michael is just asking you to the Halloween Ball!
01:16:49 Michael appears behind her and attempts a stab but misses and cuts her arm. Curtis runs. Okay, maybe Michael isn’t that interested in you after all. And maybe we need to have a committee hearing on his future neighborhood watch duties.
01:18:15 Curtis escapes the house and screams for help. She runs around, knocking on neighboring doors. Wow, this is a pretty lame town to trick or treat in.
01:19:16 Curtis returns to Tommy’s house. It’s locked but he lets her in. Somehow Michael climbs through a window.
01:20:31 His attempt to stab her backfires when she counterattacks with a sewing needle to the neck. Michael passes out and Curtis confiscates his butcher’s knife. JAMIE LEE’S GOT THE UPPER HAND!
01:21:52 Assuming him for dead, Jamie Lee leaves Michael passed out in the living room to check on the kids. This obviously backfires and Myers stands behind her within 30 seconds.
01:23:57 She hides in a closet and Michael tries to break in with his knife. Wait, did Jamie Lee leave his knife with him too? You had the upper hand, Curtis! Come on!
01:24:52 Anyway, Michael busts through the door guns blazing but instantly drops his butcher’s knife. Jamie Lee picks it up and stabs him.
01:25:47 Jamie Lee again ditches Michael to talk to the kids. Michael rises again in like 15 fucking seconds.
01:25:57 The kids run out of the house screaming, Scream Prince and Princess, and Loomis happens to be walking by.
01:26:14 Michael sneaks up on Jamie Lee again, who somehow isn’t giving her potential killer a lick of attention, and begins strangling her.
01:26:42 Loomis comes rushing up the staircase just in time to see Michael’s mask get torn off by a struggling Curtis. Michael attempts to reapply his mask when Loomis shoots him point blank. Target confirmed.
01:27:00 Oh and he shoots him another seven times until Michael is blown off the balcony. “Just what the doctor prescribed,” airs out super-bad-ass-yet-imagined-in-my-head Loomis.
01:27:18 “Was that the boogeyman?” Curtis whimpers. Don’t insult the king!
01:27:49 Loomis looks out over the balcony but Michael’s body has disappeared. Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!
END CREDITS
That’s a wrap on Halloween! The Michael Myers is introduced as more man than myth in his debut. His sequels don’t capture this side as much. Michael becomes something closer to a monster than originally intended.
Anyway, we learned that Michael Myers could be a kick ass neighborhood watchman if it weren’t for all his vendettas and, well, stabbing. Van Morrison fan girl is probably movie history’s worst babysitter and Jamie Lee Curtis now probably has to show up to tomorrow’s Halloween Ball alone. Bummer.
Sources
- Halloween. Dir. John Carpenter. Perf. Donald Preasence, Jamie Lee Curtis. Compass International Pictures, 1978.
- Cover Image
Horror Holiday 
