This is Horror Holiday’s WAR, where we create statistical values for horror movie characters. Before continuing, please check out The Math involved in this calculation and The Concept of what WAR pertains to.
We first meet Mr. Goldblum in a crowded bookstore. Upon seeing his friend, Donald Sutherland, he instantly begins ranting about conspiracy theories. He doesn’t even know yet that Sutherland just witnessed someone get brutally murdered by a mass of people.
He later leaves the bookstore and uncovers the first body snatcher body: his own. Afterwards, he promptly decides that it’s a good time to take a nap. This nearly awakens the pod person. His wife wakes him up before this can officially happen though.
Actually, now that I think about it, Goldblum does uncover most of the clues leading up to the pod people reveal. Maybe because he’s a conspiracy theorist? He also (I still don’t know how) discovers that the alien life forms came to Earth via flowers. Sutherland and the others just roll with this concept and hey, it turns out to be legit!
About an hour and 20 minutes in, Goldblum practically sacrifices himself so Sutherland and Elizabeth can stop the body snatchers. So Goldblum may have stumbled into our movie, ranting and raving about God knows what, but dammit he will be of value!
Marion’s an interesting case. She is simply the product of the movie’s mystery. She dies, oh I don’t know, 45 minutes into Psycho? But her actions in Act One are essential for moving the plot forward and discovering Norman Bates’, well, fetish.
Let’s review what Marion does on film: she steals thousands of dollars from a client, runs away, grows paranoid when a cop asks her about her day, lets the paranoia corrode her until she hides out at a sketchy motel and then is murdered.
I have to give her props on stealing from the client and then ditching her hometown Arizona; he plan was really foolproof. She literally escapes right under her boss’ nose! And she would have escaped from the police officer too if she didn’t become all sketch-McGetch. Sorry, Marion, we’ll have to take off for that one.
She later meets Norman Bates and, after some ill-advised flirting, grows cautious of him. Smart. But, as I wrote in my diary log, “we would have zero conflict if Marion were to act like a reasonable human being.” That’s not a ringing endorsement. She’s actually one of those aforementioned cases of being more valuable dead than alive. It may be sad but it is true.
It’s freaking Morgan Freeman. In a horror movie! We should feel so blessed. Honored! I would give him a 6 but, I mean, that’d be unfair to other characters.
While Freeman is his typical awesome self, he is not necessarily badass in Se7en. We meet Freeman as a fatigued detective, a few days before he officially retires. He’s simply showing his replacement, Brad Pitt, the ropes when he stumbles on an odd murder case.
After another eerily similar massacre is discovered, Freeman is sucked in. He researches Dante’s Inferno and Canterbury Tales to uncover that these murders relate to the seven deadly sins. Basically, that’s the only thing he does. Sure, he uses his FBI source to find library records but when Pitt and him visit the killer’s apartment, Pitt is nearly killed. And, upon losing the killer in the streets, Freeman warns Pitt not to break into the killer’s apartment without a warrant. Because it’s Brad Pitt, he breaks in anyway and they then find out more about the murderer.
After that, more people die and Freeman and Pitt can’t catch a break. Finally, the killer, Kevin Spacey, turns himself in. But Spacey has an Ace up his sleeve, which ends up being Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretty, little head.
While Freeman performs thorough research and acts as a solid mentor to Pitt (maybeee??) he doesn’t actually save anyone. More people actually die because he wants to do things, “by the book.” In the end, he retires and Pitt is mentally unstable. Spacey practically owned their asses.
So this isn’t really Mike Piazza, the baseball player. He just has the handlebar mustache and is played by an unknown actor. So he’s Mike Piazza in my book.
Piazza is the head security guard at the mall that our survivors hideout at. At first, he’s a controlling dick. He locks survivors up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and tries to play God with his mall. This ultimately backfires and there is an obvious rebellion. He is then imprisoned down below.
Piazza has a change of heart, though, and decides to help the others with his knowledge of the mall’s power system. He eventually progresses beyond this role into full blown hero, helping to save a red head and a dog and then, in the film’s conclusion, blowing up hundreds of zombies and sacrificing himself in order for the others to escape onto a boat.
This was an intriguing character development. Piazza went from being very detrimental to our heroes safety to being one of the more valuable members of the group. Once he got his head right, he proved to be very reliable. He displayed calm under pressure, leadership, sacrifice and, hey, badassery. But unfortunately, the whole movie must be considered. And Piazza hurts himself in that regard.
Trust me, this one will be quick. This whole movie could be quick actually. No one was valuable in this movie. All the characters were merely vehicles for slaughter. Kevin Bacon gets sex (nice) but also neglects to realize his dead friend in the bunk bed above him.
Bacon’s throat is then slit from Mrs. Voorhees who HAD BEEN UNDER THE BED THE ENTIRE TIME! How do you lack that awareness? And these aren’t goddamn tempurpedics either. This is a cot. And you’re having sex on it. Can you not feel another body underneath the cot that entire time you were, well, bouncing around?
Thankfully, Kevin Bacon was pretty independent to the others leading up to his death so he had no major effect on their safety. But his lack of awareness hurt as maybe a last ditch effort to warn his friends that, “hey, there’s a crazy woman under my bunk and a dead body in the one above me,” could have gone a long way of shortening this stupid movie.
How should we perceive WAR in horror films? Well, to put it bluntly, with a grain of salt. Whatever calculations I conceive are not going to be a perfect representation; not even baseball’s statistics are. According to FanGraphs, “WAR is not meant to be a perfectly precise indicator of a player’s contribution, but rather an estimate of their value to date.” For example, the two biggest statistical databases for Major League Baseball are BaseballReference.com and, again, FanGraphs. Both of these sites have separate numerical WAR’s for the same players. It’s largely perception-based on what is considered to have a greater team value (i.e. defense, on-base percentage, home runs, etc).
With that being said, I’d love for people to argue with me. That would be fantastic. Please, let’s debate! If you think I’m wrong, comment below and we can discuss! That’s what this is all about, right? Speculative statistics! Is that an oxymoron?
Also, for those who may not know, these numbers can drop below zero. How? Well, zero is valued as replacement level.
What is Considered Replacement Level?
This may sound a bit grim but replacement level is the behavior of a sane human being. I understand the consequences, situation and settings may be dire but chill out, dude. If your behavior is not only risking your own life but the others around you as well, you are significantly below replacement value.
Let’s put if this way: if the person next to you could turn around and, with a straight face, say, “I wish they had killed you already,” than you are below replacement level.
So What Are We Looking At?
Right! So what should we consider in this statistic?
Cool Under Pressure
Simply put, how does the character react to an ever-escalating situation of chaos? Do they think rationally? Do they panic? Do they fall into a catatonic state? Do they freak out so irrationally that they put others in danger? This is a key baseline for WAR.
Navigation/Use of Surroundings
Basically known as the Boy Scout rule: what can you make with what you’ve got before you? Are you going to board up those windows or are you going to sit in a corner and cry?
Leadership
Does the character take control or do they run about like a chicken with their head cut off?
Helpfulness
Now this one may sound a bit weird but I feel like it’s important. If one of your own just can’t take it anymore, do you help them cope and get back on track? How well do you perform in your perceived role?
Badassery
Are you reving and waving a chainsaw high above your head or are you digging a hole with your hands? Simple enough, right?
Body Count
Of course, we have to give special consideration to the characters who actually fight back and stack villains atop each other. That’s a high value there!
Brains
Not eating of brains, weirdo. Like intelligence. Does the character’s actions make the audience facepalm? If yes, then they’re probably doing it wrong.
Context
So what are our borders? We’re going to say a WAR of 6 is legendary. That’s the maximum number for the statistic.
5 WAR is still great. Like, they’d be considered for an All Star team if they ever had one for horror heroes.
3-4 WAR is good. Like, they’re the Robin to Batman. They have some key moments at crucial points but they’re not technically superhero-type of status.
1-2 WAR is helpful. You’re doing your best out there. You are a valued member of this survival group but if you were the head honcho? Well, I don’t think y’all would make it.
0 WAR is replacement level. Like, you are no help. You’re not costing anything but you’re also not helping the chances of survival.
And a Negative WAR is like, come on dude, just die already. Your death may actually produce a higher WAR than your living state right now.
Alright!!
So that’s how we’re going to construct HORRWAR! That was really lame, sorry.
I am working on some characters currently and I hope to release about 5 characters each week. It’ll just be 5 random characters, not a worst to best. I will be putting the statistics into an excel sheet though so, by the end, we’ll have a reference guide.
Oh and the characters used will only be the ones I covered thus far on Horror Holiday. So when more movies are added, more characters will come into consideration.
00:00:00 Because you’re cold, I’m cold, everyone’s cold and it’s almost Christmas, we’re covering Dead Snow. Or, for you Norwegians (does Norway read my stuff?) Død snø. ‘Nazi Zombies buried underneath ice have come back to life to terrorize a bunch of teenagers on their holiday.’ That’s the plot. Oh and the entirety of this movie is subtitled.
I have never done subtitles on Horror Holiday before. When I typically write these things (I don’t even know how to categorize these diary logs honestly. Comedy? No. Horror? No. Unnecessary? Hmmmm), I need to pause the movie to finish writing my thoughts, press play, watch and then pause again. A 90 minute movie can take me almost three hours. So given the foreign linguistics of this film, I’m going to take a lot of creative liberties. Bear with me.
Without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Dead Snow.
00:00:02 I know that the ‘nazi zombie’ concept gained significant recognition following it’s Call of Duty video game introduction but are there actually fanatics? Like, nazi zombies die hards? I know it sounds crazy but there are some fierce subgenre battles between ‘zombies’ and ‘infected.’ Is there a message board out there in the gutters of the internet shouting, “it’s not a nazi zombie unless they strictly served in World War II. World War I Kaiser zombies are simply bullshit!”
00:01:02 We open the film set in a cold, dark forest. The trees are barren of their leaves and look like they could use a good blanket. A young boy runs as if being chased. Finally, he stops and checks for his follower. He waits. Then BOO! Nazi Zombie!
He continues his flight, multiple Nazi Zombies in pursuit. He ends up tumbling down a hill and breaking his leg. The Zeds catch up and eat him.
DEAD SNOW
00:03:09 Mid Afternoon, I’m assuming the next day: a car drives down a desolate road (how many fucking times have I wrote that line to open up a horror movie?)
00:03:57 Four men ride along in the vehicle. They toy around with the radio and speak some Scandinavian language; not sure which.
00:05:02 I just missed about three minutes of subtitled dialogue while typing. I’m scraping the original script already: Welcome to Dead Snow Redux, where the dialogue doesn’t matter. I only care about pictures and pretty images now!
00:05:20 Another car drives down the same road. This one is full with three woman and luggage. One is blonde, another is dreaded, another is neither.
00:05:56 I guess they’re gossiping about the boys in the other car. The blonde lady makes dog noises, signifying someone is horny. I don’t know who though, I missed the subtitles.
00:06:48 The vehicles stop next to a frozen river. The crew gear up in jackets, hats, goggles, etc. Norway is fucking cold, man. One guy gets on a snow mobile, says some things, then drives away. The others walk. Did they at least rock-paper-scissor for the opportunity to take the snowmobile?
00:08:15 As the less fortunate walk, they converse about stuff. Hold on one second, let’s see if I can catch some of this dialogue.
Nice view.
00:08:40 Oh wait, they’re talking about big budget horror movies? Is this supposed to be meta? Did they just cast the Scandinavian Jamie Kennedy?
00:09:32 Snowmobile dude drives up to a log cabin and stops. He looks around but nothing can be seen for miles. Are his friends walking all this way? Is this vacation really worth it?
Anyway, Snowmobile dude enters and starts a fire.
00:10:44 Finally, the others make it to the cabin. I have to imagine that they’re exhausted, pissed off and need at least a dozen beers for sake of hydration.
00:11:27 Nope. Now they’re snow tubing with a tube latched behind the snowmobile. Afterwards, they have a snowball fight. Punk Rock music plays in the background. I don’t know what this all means.
00:12:36 Night falls. The crew gathers in the cabin to play Twister. Horny blonde lady must be amped.
00:13:17 Okay, so let’s knock out some characters: We have Dreads, Blonde, and Neither as the girls. Then there is Four Eyes, Ashton Kutcher, Dudeee and some other guy who looks like a knock-off James Corden. That’s all I got for you. Effort levels are truly sinking here. Merry Christmas.
00:13:44Four Eyes flirts with Dreads by attempting to suffocate her with a pillow in front of all his friends. I don’t think that works too well in the long run, Four Eyes.
00:13:55Dreads kicks him off. He goes JK. She isn’t too keen on his humor.
00:14:30 Later at night, Blonde wanders out to the outhouse. The others play some sort of card game.
Corden leaves the table to check the fridge. Upon inspection, he finds beer. “MMMM beer,” he says in English. This is the only English-spoken line in the entire movie. Enjoy it!
00:15:28Blonde finishes up in the outhouse but hears strange noises coming from outside. “Hello?” No answer. She begins to tip toe back to the cabin but is disturbed by a figure in the woods.
Blonde runs back to warn the others but, upon hearing her story, call her a fool. A FOOL!
Dudeee walks outside to disprove her claim but runs directly into an old hooded man. He asks for coffee and then proceeds to chill out on their couch.
00:17:35 The old man takes a sip of his coffee. “Who made this?”
“I did,” says Dreads, “it’s organically grown. Do you like it?”
“No, I don’t.”
But thanks for the free coffee!!!
00:18:14 To wash down the awful coffee, Old Man cracks a beer. The crew looks on with concern. Is this guy going to bum it on the couch or something? Because if that’s the case, you gotta kick him out now.
Old Man continues the awkward small talk by asking what they’re doing this weekend in the middle of nowhere. In the time I typed that sentence, I missed their answer. Nice going, Kyle.
Old Man may stick around all weekend!
00:19:31 Oh wait, now the Old Man is lecturing about some old german soldiers being stationed nearby. I didn’t miss the important part! Let’s just assume that the teenagers are out in the middle of the woods to play Twister and gag each other with pillows all weekend.
00:21:22 Old Man is still telling his ghost story. Something, something, nazi germans are possessed by the devil and are a big fucking deal, something. Old Man rolls a joint during this entire lecture and begins smoking. Just making himself right at home I guess. Don’t invite old men into your house, ladies and gentlemen.
Finally, the Old Man announces that he must depart. The gang relinquishes a sigh of relief. As he’s leaving, Dudeee makes a comment. For some reason, this offends the Old Man and he grabs him by the throat. Old Man says something then leaves.
00:24:37 This diary log is going to sound batshit crazy, isn’t it? Sorry for that. Stay tuned or check out some other movie write-ups; it gets better, I promise!
00:25:41Ashton Kutcher wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders around the cabin. He opens the front door and to peek outside. A woman in a red jacket is standing a few feet away. She vomits blood and reaches towards him.
But he wakes up. It was just a dream. This is stupid.
00:26:56 Meanwhile, the Old Man has pitched his tent in the middle of the woods. It’s snowing and appears really cold. I don’t know this man’s business but he should probably quit. Like, right now.
Anyway, he’s hanging out in his tent, probably getting high again, when he hears a noise from outside. He investigates with his flashlight.
Old Man becomes infatuated with a dark figure deep in the woods. He stares but his throat is suddenly slashed by, I don’t fucking know, a really fast thing. Like, I’m not kidding, Old Man was staring into the woods when, out of fucking nowhere, something flashes across the screen and then he begins bleeding profusely from his throat. I guess the Flash is fucking zombified now. Probably would make a better movie than this currently.
All in all, Old Man dies.
00:30:36 The next day at the cabin, the gang horses around with snowmobiles. Apparently they have uncovered multiple snowmobiles now? I don’t know. One of the dudes, Corden, attempts to jump his over some cliff edge. More punk rock blazes in the background. He tumbles down it but survives. He pumps his fist in the air like Travis fucking Pastrana and the onlooking girls cheer him on. Bro, you just wiped out. That wasn’t cool at all.
Dudeee has the other snowmobile and he’s chosen to use his free-time to drive atop a cliff and eat lunch. While eating, he notices the Old Man’s tent posted up nearby. He investigates but finds the man dead and rotting inside.
00:34:20 Back at the cabin, the others find a jewelry box full of gold coins. That’s it. End scene. Corden goes woahhhh then grabs another beer and pounds it down his gut.
00:35:34Dudeee continues further into the snowy wasteland yelling, “Sara.” I don’t know who Sara is. He then falls into a hole. What??
“I am so hiring a new agent once I’m down with this film.”
00:36:33 The gang have decided to wear some of the golden jewelry that they have discovered. They also pound more beers. Corden excuses himself to go to the outhouse. Shortly after he leaves, Neither finds him. And you thought I forgot about Neither!
Neither and Corden have sex in the outhouse. Apparently the gold made them all really horny. The gold must be possessed! Is that the theme of this fucking movie?
00:38:44Corden returns to the house sans Neither. When the gang asks him if he’s seen her, he simply shotguns a beer and burps. Nice, asshole.
00:39:42Neither remains in the outhouse. I don’t know why. Something watches her from outside. Finally, it sneaks underneath and drags her into the toilet. This is weird.
She climbs back out and limps away, crying for help. The gang doesn’t hear her though because they’re playing more punk music. Punk Rock is the enemy!
Finally, they pause the music and notice Neither’s shrieking. Dread walks outside to investigate but, just before Dread can open the door, FLASH ZOMBIE takes Neither.
Now you’re here, now you’re not. FLASH ZOMBIE!!!
00:42:46 What even is a Nazi Zombie anyway? Flash Zombie is totally cooler. If this movie continues to claim Nazi Zombies have Flash-like speed, I’m discrediting them from the zombie subgenre. Yes, I have this power! Get at me, Nazi Zombie Message Boards!
00:44:18 The guys go outside to investigate based on Dread’s uneasiness. Nothing happens. They return to the cabin to argue.
For some reason, Dread peers out a window and a figure reaches through the glass and grabs her. Blonde saves Dread.
00:46:03 The boys retrieve all the guns in the cabin, which is apparently a lot. Like, they have an entire armory of weapons on stock now. Where did they even buy this cabin? They check outside and there is now an army of Nazi Zombies. The boys begin boarding up all the windows.
“Rawrrrrr! We don’t know how we’re here but we’re going to kill anyway!”
00:47:33 Despite boarding up the windows, Corden decides it’s cool if he stands next to one because reasons. A Nazi Zombie reaches in, grabs his head and rips it apart.
00:48:48 Alright, so now we’re back with Dudeee and he’s still stuck in the hole. But this hole is significantly bigger than a hole. It turns out to be a tunnel system? He escapes somehow by climbing out.
00:49:35 And now we’re back in the cabin. The gang is huddled up in a corner and conversing with each other. Apparently the Nazi Zombies have chosen to forego their previously seen Flash-like speed killing.
Alright, I’m scrapping the diary log mid-movie. Woahhh, right?? Shit’s crazy! I can’t follow this movie because: 1) I can’t keep track of the subtitles while typing, 2) this movie is really, very stupid, and 3) I have been drinking.
I’ll continue to rattle off major events and deaths as they occur but I’m not going to follow persistently. It’d just be a waste of your time and my buzz.
So, what to talk about? Let’s discuss ‘Flash Zombie’ for a little bit because this movie is, what? 93 minutes long? Shit, still have a while to go. Anyway! Flash Zombie! Is this possible? No. Can I still discuss it? Yes!
In case you don’t understand the reference, The Flash is a superhero who is really fast. Like, lightning fast. That’s all I can describe him as because I never actually read his comics. But what if he became a zombie, right? Would he still have his speed powers in the not-so-after-life?
This stems into the zombie versus infected argument. 28 Days Later introduced us to the infected subgenre of zombie films; they were the first ‘quick’ zombies. They were created because zombies just weren’t doing it for audiences in the early 2000’s….
Movie update: Dudeee is currently having a boxing match with a Nazi Zombie.
… so director Danny Boyle decided to make them fast. “That’ll bring fear back to the subgenre.” But then the classification went sideways thanks to the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Director Zack Snyder made his zombies fast and he legitimately called them zombies. Boyle at least called his infected. So perhaps Snyder can be credited with the introduction of the fast zombie? But I digress.
Zombies were first introduced as a villain with George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. They were slow and methodical. The danger resided in the accumulation of zombies. The more zombies there were, the less space there was to run; hence, you became overrun. The fast zombies were like a cheat code in Dawn of the Dead: Snyder had a lot of ‘em and they were all track stars. Like, come on, I bet more than 75% of those guys weren’t half that fast as living humans. Is the zombie gene a new form of steroid?
See what I mean? This could be a dilemma.
Oh, and Blonde just got her gut ripped open by Nazi Zombies.
So yeah, the basic argument is: are fast zombies still considered zombies? Or are they an anomaly and a misunderstanding of the original concept of zombies?
That took longer than I expected. Still have 25 minutes left of movie. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. It’s basically the gang all separated and being hunted by a horde of Nazi Zombies. Except these zombies are militarized, strategized and can think for themselves. They’re not actually zombies at all. This is all really, very stupid.
Oh, and Dread just died. She ended up being chased to the edge of a snow ledge by a single zombie. She stops, smirks at the zombie bro and begins jumping up and down to cause an avalanche. She does and both of them die. Trust me, you’re better off reading something else. I’m only writing still because I need to provide something in the way of content for this movie. I just never realized how bad it could be.
Ummm, what else? This has really turned blog-like, hasn’t it? I’ve been trying to keep away from that. Just so you all know, I am aware these entries are way too long for a blog. I just, I don’t know, want to create good, original content. I have a great time writing about horror movies but I also want to produce solid content…
WAIT! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Dread’s alive??? She somehow digs herself out of the avalanche. What the hell?
Anyway, about producing content. I feel like horror movies have given birth to a sort of community. A lot of these films are influenced by each other which make them easy to reference. And because there’s a sort of rule book to construct a horror movie, that makes it even more relatable. But horror movies are also born from ridiculous concepts. And that’s fan-fucking-tastic. With the ridiculous story and absence of physics, logic, whatever, the imagination can roam around realms untouched by other movie genres.
So that’s why I created this blog: to poke fun, to mock, to have fun watching horror movies and also contribute my own tales in the process.
Creativity!!!
Dudeee is dead. He just got stabbed, in a choreographed fashioned, by seven Nazi Zombies. They then, in sync, lifted him up and tore his limbs off. Like the fucking Rockettes. I am so glad I gave up covering this film half an hour ago.
“And cut! Perfectly synchronized, gentlemen! This will look great on Broadway!”
Alright, so I apologize for not posting as much content post-October. I’ve just been drawn away by a number of different things, whether that be life, job searching, other blogs that I run, etc. Probably the thing I’ve been working on most is a screenplay. It’s nearly finished; I’m currently on the 4th draft. I’ve been very knit picky.
Dread finally died. Ashton Kutcher stabbed her by accident.
The screenplay resides within the horror film realm but also mixes in science fiction and comedy. I’ve really enjoyed putting it together. We’ll see where that goes.
But I have plans laid out for Horror Holiday. I’m going to produce more diary logs, that’s a certain, but I also want to create a shared universe type of thing. Like, have articles that are self referential to previous content. That’s probably the best way to describe it: articles about horror films that I’ve covered.
I’ve been working on that off and on and I think I’ll launch one of the concepts after New Years. So keep posted on that.
So I guess Ashton Kutcher got bit in the arm. He decided to amputate to avoid being zombified (if that even happens in this universe. I think it’s a prerequisite to be a Nazi first). Anyway, he amputates but then a Nazi Zombies rises from beneath and bites his dick. Another source of infection? I don’t know.
Alright, 10 minutes left. So we covered the zombie subgenre argument, my apology for not posting as much content as I wished, the future of Horror Holiday, what else?
Four Eyes just died. He got his intestines stuck on a tree. I don’t know how that’s supposed to work but, nonetheless, Ashton Kutcher is the last one alive.
Okay, quick preview of the article types! I’m thinking of creating a statistical category for horror movie characters, kind of like baseball sabermetrics. I think that’d be a cool twist on how we analyze movies; creating a balanced playing field and finding a true player value. See, mom, I AM making my sports management major useful!!
King of Baseball Sabermetrics…And probable Queen of Horror Sabermetrics.
And then another idea I had is to create Head2Head match ups between two different villains, characters, etc. So these are much more speculation based concepts and articles. They’ll be interesting to construct.
Ashton Kutcher finally makes it back to his vehicle. He struggles to buckle his seat belt (why!?) with his severed arm but then drops the keys. Upon retrieving them, he realizes he’s become surrounded by the entirety of the Third Reich. The screen goes to black and more punk rock plays over the credits. Red out Ashton Kutcher’s name please!
So that’s a wrap on Dead Snow! This was awful. Sorry about that. Hopefully you clicked out long ago. If not, I hope you enjoyed some random babbling. I owe y’all more content and you’ll get it.
To conclude, watch good horror movies; don’t be like me. Mistakes were made, prices were paid and now I wish a Flash Zombie actually existed. Only in my dreams.
Sources
Dead Snow. Dir. Tommy Wirkola. Perf. Jeppe Beck Laurson, Charlotte Frogner. Eurforia Film, 2009.
00:00:00 What would Halloween be without watching Michael Myers force his family to love him? We’re writing about the original Halloween, the movie that Friday the 13th admittedly ripped off; oh and also spawned about ten sequels and two Rob Zombie remakes.
Halloween is John Carpenter’s masterpiece. I just wrote up Scream the other day and it’s director, Wes Craven, takes one too many shots at the king. Sure, he made a lot of shitty films after the fact but the man invented the slasher horror genre and introduced us to the Scream Queen herself, Jamie Lee Curtis.
So without further ado, Horror Holiday presents Halloween on Halloween!
00:00:57 We’re staring at a poorly carved pumpkin as the infamous Halloween music plays. “Introducing Jamie Lee Curtis.” GET HYPED!
00:03:05 We get some first-person camera-angle action while approaching a house. We look through the side window and watch a couple make out. They leave the room and continue the action upstairs in the bedroom.
00:04:20We enter the back door and grab a butcher’s knife from the kitchen drawer. Hopefully this isn’t a Mrs. Voorhees fake-out again? I was super disappointed, in Friday the 13th, when I found that our first person bad assery wasn’t because we were Jason. We were goddamn Betsy Palmer. Such bullshit.
00:04:35 Also, Friday the 13th directly ripped off Halloween’s opening sequence. Were there any legal suits filed after that was released?
00:05:42 The boyfriend leaves the house. Guess he gets business done quick? We put on a mask and sneak behind our half naked sister.
00:05:50We stab our half naked sister.
00:06:25We exit the house and approach our parents who just pulled up in their car. Father pulls the mask off our face and the camera spins around to show us, in full clown costume holding a bloody butcher’s knife.
00:06:30 Is it safe to say Stephen King was influenced from this image alone?
00:06:36 Oh and by the way, it’s confirmed. I can finally say it! WE ARE MICHAEL FUCKING MYERS!
We’ve been discovered! Flee!!
00:07:09 Smith’s Grove, Illinois. October 30th, 1978.
00:08:01 A nurse drives Dr. Sam Loomis through the rain. They are heading to the asylum. She’s nervous. Being a nurse and it being 1978, she’s obviously smoking cigarettes.
00:08:30Loomis briefs the nurse on his client. He hasn’t spoken in 15 years and he needs to be heavily sedated.
00:08:47 “You’re serious about it, aren’t you,” the nurse pokes, “you never want him to get out?”
“Never,” Loomis replies, “never, ever.” Never ever ever??
00:09:38 The car pulls up to the hospital and a number of patients are wandering around outside in the rain. Loomis goes to check with the guard and one of the patients climbs on top of the vehicle and grabs the nurse’s hair. Maybe he just wants to bum a cigarette.
00:11:01 For some reason, the nurse dives from the car and into a ditch. The patient steals the vehicle and drives away. A successful heist!
00:11:05Loomis panics.
00:11:07Michael Myers is free.
00:11:11 Haddonfield. Halloween.
00:12:28Jamie Lee Curtis, as Laurie Strode, walks through her peaceful suburban neighborhood on her way to high school. She runs into the child she’s supposed to baby sit tonight (Tommy) and they chit chat all buddy buddy. What a beautiful town! Nothing can go wrong today!
00:14:20Curtis detours at a run down house and drops off a set of keys. Her parents are realtors and they’re selling the old Myers’ house. After she turns, a figure appears and watches her walk away. Michael is totally checking Jamie Lee out.
All hail the Scream Queen
00:14:45 Dr. Loomis screams at the inept asylum warden. No client of Loomis escapes under his watch! He exclaims that Haddonfield is in danger. “I know exactly where he’s going.”
“Oh yeah?” the inept warden teases, “Come on, Doc. He doesn’t even know how to drive.”
“Well he drove pretty well last night!” Loomis gets in his car, “someone must have been giving him lessons.” Loomis pulls out of a handicap spot in which he was double parked in.
00:15:44Curtis is super bored in class so she stares out the window. A head watches her from behind a parked car across the street. She returns her attention to class but when she gazes back out towards the suspicious figure, him and the car are gone. Dun dun dunnnn.
00:16:35 Jerk kids tease Tommy at school. They trip him and he falls and smashes his pumpkin. Awwwww.
00:17:41Michael Myers witnesses all of this. He scares off the bullies and stalks slowly behind Tommy while he walks home. What a good guy that Michael is! Always looking out for people’s safety. Maybe we should nominate Mr. Myers for neighborhood watch!
00:20:24Jamie Lee Curtis and her two gal pals walk home from school. Curtis turns around and notices that the car from earlier is following them. The figure stares at them as he passes but then accelerates ahead. “Hey! Speed kills!” shouts one of Curtis’ friends.
The car abruptly stops. The group stares and, after a minute, the vehicle speeds off.
00:24:12Curtis begins seeing the strange figure sneaking peaks at her while walking home. Michael totally has a little crush.
Sup.
00:26:27 She finally returns home and witnesses the masked figure staring at her through her window.
00:27:27 The phone rings. Jamie Lee Curtis answers. “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Nah just kidding. Nobody answers her hellos and she hangs up.
00:29:05Jamie Lee gets ready for her babysitting adventure. Her friend picks her up. I’d give her friend a real name but I honestly don’t know the character’s name or the actress who plays her. We’ll call her Brown Eyed Girl. You’re welcome, Van Morrison.
00:30:27Loomis arrives in Haddonfield. Surprisingly he only caused two highway pile ups! He has an undertaker lead him to Myers’ parent’s tombstone. The undertaker attempts to lecture him on the history of Michael Myers like it’s some tourist attraction but Loomis tells him to shut up, bitch.
00:30:45Loomis finds the tombstone unearthed and missing. “Michael’s home.” You’re goddamn right he is!
00:31:14Brown Eyed Girl and Jamie Lee smoke some weed while driving and listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Michael Myers’ car pulls around the intersection and tailgates them. This guy is freaking everywhere. He’s taking his responsibility as neighborhood watch seriously.
00:33:45Brown Eyed Girl teases Curtis that she should ask somebody to the Halloween dance. I’m sure Michael would be interested. Maybe he’s just trying to find the perfect time to ask Curtis. So cute. He should hold a boom box over his head Say Anything…-style and have his theme music blasting through the subs. How could she say no!
00:35:30 It’s dark and Brown Eyed Girl finally reaches their destination. Somehow the mysterious car followed them the whole time without anyone checking the rear view mirror. Curtis gets out of the car and Brown Eyed Girl pulls into the house across the street. Apparently she is babysitting for a neighboring child but Jamie Lee and Brown Eyed Girl failed to plan a joint babysitting operation.
00:37:24Loomis and a local sheriff inspect the old Myers’ home. Loomis tells the sheriff his experience with Michael. He met him when he was six years old and was his doctor for eight more. “What I saw behind those eyes were pure evil.”
“What do we do?” the sheriff offers. Seriously? A medical doctor says he saw pure evil and that’s evidence enough that this is a serious threat? I mean, good instincts because you are totally right. But typically I think you should take the claim of ‘pure evil’ with a grain of salt when it comes to interpreting the law.
00:39:34Loomis decides that he will stay in the Myers house as he believes Michael will return home. Your call, dude.
Doc Loomis
00:41:40Brown Eyed Girl calls Curtis and gossips about a potential date she just nabbed. Don’t taunt Michael, Moondance.
00:42:53Brown Eyed Girl pours coffee all over herself and decides that the appropriate action is to strip completely naked. Michael watches from the outside window but gets too embarrassed and rushes off.
00:45:32 Tommy says that he is afraid of the boogeyman. See, John Carpenter, you saved the horror genre! No more lame, old boogeyman. Now we even have cult slashers!
00:46:41 Apparently Brown Eyed Girl’s laundry machine is outside in a completely different building from the house. She goes outside and Michael locks her in the laundry outhouse.
00:48:17 The girl she is babysitting finally gets up from the couch and frees her babysitter. Brown Eyed Girl receives a call from her boyfriend who says that his parents are gone and they should totally hook up. Brown Eyed Girl drops her child off with Curtis. Jerk move, Caravan.
00:51:48Neighborhood Watch Commander Michael will make you pay for your sins of horniness!
00:53:45Brown Eyed Girl hops into her car and realizes that the windows are all fogged up. Michael springs from the back seat and stabs Brown Eyed Girl to death. You get ‘em, Captain Myers!
00:56:18 Tommy glances across the street and sees Michael carrying Brown Eyed Girl into the house. Wow, way to be discreet, Mike.
00:58:08Loomis creepily stalks behind the bushes at Michael’s house. I thought when he said he’ll wait for Michael and all, he’d wait inside or even in his car. But hiding in the bushes is so much weirder, dude. Some punk kids show up and dare each other to knock on Old Man Myers’ door.
“Hey, kid,” Loomis distorts his voice, “get your ass away from there.” He giggles as the kids scatter. Come on, Looms. You’re a grown-ass man.
00:58:25 The sheriff returns and questions Loomis’ legitimacy. Apparently ‘pure evil’ doesn’t check out with the Police Captain. “Death has come to your town,” tries Loomis. ‘Man, that sure sounds spooky!’ says Sheriff No-Brains, ‘You have my attention, Doc!’
01:00:25Jamie Lee’s other best friend shows up at crime scene numero uno. Her and her boyfriend start hooking up as Michael watches from the other room. Be safe, kids! And always wear a condom! Thanks Mike! Whatta guy!
01:03:01 Other best friend (we’ll call her Sheryl Crow. I don’t even have a reason) has sex with her boyfriend in the bed of the family Brown Eyed Girl was babysitting. That’s totally weird and I think qualifies for neighborhood watch intervention.
01:03:11 Oh hey Michael! This guy is never too far away from a neighborhood-related incident.
01:04:29 The boyfriend heads down to the kitchen for some food. Michael jumps out of the kitchen cabinet and holds the teen up by his throat. “Halt,” the imaginary-Michael-Myers-in-my-head says, “you have violated the sanctity of this home. You must now vacate the premises….” Real-Michael Myers just stabs him with his butcher’s knife and lets him hang from it for a while. Ummm I guess the punishment fits the crime? We may need to bring this case up at the next PTA meeting, Mike.
Dishing out discipline, Michael Myers style.
01:06:19Sheryl Crow is laying in bed when Michael opens the bedroom door cloaked in a ghost-like sheet and her (ex-)boyfriend’s glasses. 10 points for creativity, Michael!
01:07:11 Topless Sheryl Crow has an awkward one-way conversation with her not-boyfriend. To break off the awkwardness, she calls Jamie Lee Curtis. Michael chooses to make his move, strangling Crow with the telephone cord. Curtis, though, just assumes it’s her sex noises and laughs it off.
01:08:49Curtis redials the house but nobody answers. Ghost Face Killah would have punched a goddamn wall.
“Hey, baby, what’s wrong? Just come back to bed.”
01:09:19 Meanwhile, back with Loomis dicking around behind the bushes….
01:10:01 He turns around, like literally turns around and recognizes the car Michael stole from him the night before. How long have you been standing facing the bushes, Looms, and not noticed your damn vehicle 50 feet away. You’ve been here for hours!
01:11:05Jamie Lee Curtis walks over to the neighboring house to investigate on her friends. I think she’s secretly worried they’re throwing a house party and she wasn’t invited. Teenagers, man.
01:12:57 She wanders around back and notices the door ajar. She enters.
01:13:45 She adventures around the dark house, for some reason refusing to turn any lights on during her investigation. She cautiously ascends the stair case.
01:15:14Curtis notices a light escaping from underneath the bed room door. She wades in and finds Brown Eyed Girl sprawled out atop the bed with Judith Myers’, Michael’s mother, tombstone balanced on the head board.
01:15:45 The Scream Queen screams.
01:15:57 Jamie Lee also finds the boyfriend’s and still half-naked Sheryl Crow’s bodies hanging out in the room.
01:16:05 Don’t panic, Curtis. I think Michael is just asking you to the Halloween Ball!
01:16:49Michael appears behind her and attempts a stab but misses and cuts her arm. Curtis runs. Okay, maybe Michael isn’t that interested in you after all. And maybe we need to have a committee hearing on his future neighborhood watch duties.
01:18:15 Curtis escapes the house and screams for help. She runs around, knocking on neighboring doors. Wow, this is a pretty lame town to trick or treat in.
01:19:16Curtis returns to Tommy’s house. It’s locked but he lets her in. Somehow Michael climbs through a window.
01:20:31 His attempt to stab her backfires when she counterattacks with a sewing needle to the neck. Michael passes out and Curtis confiscates his butcher’s knife. JAMIE LEE’S GOT THE UPPER HAND!
01:21:52 Assuming him for dead, Jamie Lee leaves Michael passed out in the living room to check on the kids. This obviously backfires and Myers stands behind her within 30 seconds.
01:23:57 She hides in a closet and Michael tries to break in with his knife. Wait, did Jamie Lee leave his knife with him too? You had the upper hand, Curtis! Come on!
01:24:52 Anyway, Michael busts through the door guns blazing but instantly drops his butcher’s knife. Jamie Lee picks it up and stabs him.
01:25:47Jamie Leeagain ditches Michael to talk to the kids. Michael rises again in like 15 fucking seconds.
01:25:57 The kids run out of the house screaming, Scream Prince and Princess, and Loomis happens to be walking by.
01:26:14Michael sneaks up on Jamie Lee again, who somehow isn’t giving her potential killer a lick of attention, and begins strangling her.
01:26:42Loomis comes rushing up the staircase just in time to see Michael’s mask get torn off by a struggling Curtis. Michael attempts to reapply his mask when Loomis shoots him point blank. Target confirmed.
01:27:00 Oh and he shoots him another seven times until Michael is blown off the balcony. “Just what the doctor prescribed,” airs out super-bad-ass-yet-imagined-in-my-head Loomis.
01:27:18 “Was that the boogeyman?” Curtis whimpers. Don’t insult the king!
01:27:49Loomis looks out over the balcony but Michael’s body has disappeared. Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!
Oh my god, there’s more?!
END CREDITS
That’s a wrap on Halloween! The Michael Myers is introduced as more man than myth in his debut. His sequels don’t capture this side as much. Michael becomes something closer to a monster than originally intended.
Anyway, we learned that Michael Myers could be a kick ass neighborhood watchman if it weren’t for all his vendettas and, well, stabbing. Van Morrison fan girl is probably movie history’s worst babysitter and Jamie Lee Curtis now probably has to show up to tomorrow’s Halloween Ball alone. Bummer.
Sources
Halloween. Dir. John Carpenter. Perf. Donald Preasence, Jamie Lee Curtis. Compass International Pictures, 1978.
00:00:00 Wes Craven is responsible for a number of classic horror franchises. One such film is Scream. Scream is very self aware of itself as a horror movie. It understands horror film cliches and it utilizes this strength to come off as meta.
Horror Holiday presents Scream.
00:00:26Drew Barrymore picks up her telephone.
00:00:27 Holy shit! It’s Drew Barrymore!
00:00:30 The caller tells Barrymore that he knows what she did last summer. Wait, wrong movie.
00:00:37 After some casual flirting with the stranger, Drew hangs up the phone; wrong number.
00:00:40 The phone rings again, Drew answers. The stranger obviously has figured out he called Drew fucking Barrymore and wants to flirt more. I honestly don’t blame him.
00:01:02Drew hangs up the phone.
00:01:15 Wait. Drew Barrymore totally lives in Forrest Gump’s childhood home. No one can change my mind now, it is set.
00:01:20Barrymore puts popcorn on the stove, obviously doesn’t own a microwave.
00:01:30 The phone rings, Drew answers. Am I getting too repetitive?
00:01:42Barrymore continues to flirt with the strange man who keeps calling and even tells him her plans for the night. I know Scream is going to lay out the rules to avoid being in a horror movie, but I’d like to add my own: Don’t tell strangers who keep calling your phone what your evening plans are. Actually, just don’t do this in general.
00:01:45 Confirmed: Barrymoredoes own a microwave. I guess popping popcorn like a peasant makes it taste better?
00:01:46 “Do you like scary movies?” the voice hisses. Well, I mean, not now.
00:01:52 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” The Exorcist. Oh, wait, sorry I didn’t mean to offend you, Scream.
00:02:02 “Halloween!” Barrymore exclaims. “Ooooh, yeahhh,” somehow this answer has turned the stranger on. I mean, Barrymore, dude, you don’t run a 900 number over here. Just hang up.
Dammit, Drew Barrymore. Just hang up the phone!
00:02:21Barrymore and Stranger Danger bond over Freddy Krueger’s knife fingers and it dawns on me that I must not be flirting right in the real world.
00:02:35 “What’s your name?” Stranger Danger asks. “Why do you want to know my name?” Barrymore practically giggles through the phone.
00:02:36 “Because I want to know who I’m looking at….”
00:02:37 Ahhh nowBarrymore’s concerned! Do you think this will damage their relationship built on cinema serial killers and popcorn?
00:03:03Barrymore finally hangs up on stranger danger. Her medieval popcorn is about to pop over on the stove. Why couldn’t you have just microwaved it? We wouldn’t have had this problem if you acted like normal human being.
00:03:34 She hangs up. Phone rings. Barrymore once again answers. This is going to be the whole diary log, guys! Surprise!!
00:03:35 “If you hang up again, I’m going to cut you open like a fish!” And now Stranger Danger’s flirting has just got very, very kinky.
00:03:46Stranger Danger asks Barrymore if she wants to play a game and instantly rolls down the hall on his tricycle… Wait, not that movie either??
00:03:55 Eight phone calls later and Barrymore now realizes how serious her situation is. She scrambles to lock every single door in Forrest Gump’s Alabama mansion. I mean, she’s home alone, right? Why did she not lock the doors anyway in the middle of the night? She’s certainly not helping her odds here.
00:04:32 Door bell rings. Barrymore cries, “who’s there?” Don’t ask questions that you don’t want answered, kid.
00:04:35 Phone rings. Barrymore fucking picks up again! At this point, Drew, it doesn’t even make sense to hang up if you are just going to answer his call over and over.
00:04:39 “You should never say ‘who’s there,’ don’t you watch scary movies?” Stranger Danger taunts. I don’t think Barrymore watches scary movies. What a phony.
00:05:13Barrymore threatens Stranger Danger with her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend. Raise your hand if Stranger Danger gives two fucks about her fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend.
00:05:26 Oh, apparently Barrymore’s fictitious football-playing high school boyfriend is real. And Stranger Danger knows his name is Steve. Okay, well played, Stranger Danger.
00:05:45Stranger Danger has abducted the real football-playing high school boyfriend named Steve and tied him up to a lawn chair on Barrymore’s patio. So I don’t know if Stranger Danger’s got blue tooth or something or he’s simply using his shoulder to keep the phone in place while he’s tying up football players to deck chairs.
00:06:09Barrymore accepts Stranger Danger’s game and turns off the patio light as requested. He wants to play movie trivia. Yes! I love trivia! Can I have a team? My team is ‘My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t’. GIVE US THE FIRST QUESTION, DAMMIT!
00:06:40 First question for 10 points! Name the killer in Halloween. Ohhhh, Drew, you are so screwed. Why’d you lie about your favorite scary movie, Drew?? This could have all been avoided if you made popcorn like a normal human being, Drew!!!!
00:06:59 Oh no way, she got it! Drew and My Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t are tied at 10!
00:07:09Drew doesn’t want anymore trivia. Stop being such a fucking buzzkill, Drew.
00:07:14 Question Two! Same category. Name the killer in Friday the 13th.
00:08:02 Oh. Ohhhh. Steve gets stabbed for Drew’s wrong answer. Damn, this trivia has some steep penalties for wrong answers. Fuck it, what’s the goddamn bonus round?!
00:08:25 FINAL QUESTION! “What door am I at?” Jeez, dude, I don’t fucking know. That’s a curveball fucking question. I call shenanigans!
00:08:48 The risk is death?? I don’t know, man, patio door? Fuck it, patio door: final answer.
00:09:00 It was the patio door. I win. Barrymore scrambles to her kitchen where the motherfucking popcorn has now caught fire. This is some bullshit, Drew.
00:09:07Drew draws a butcher’s knife and escapes out a side door.
00:10:06 A vehicle approaches the drive way as GHOST FACE KILLAH reaches through the window at Drew. She smacks him with the phone (irony) and runs.
00:10:37Ghost Face Killah fucking lays out through another window and tackles Drew. This kid play football? Because fuck, that was a great tackle, son!
GHOST FACE KILLAH
00:10:49 He chases her down and stabs Drew Barrymore in the heart. Because Drew has breasts of steel or something, that doesn’t seem to work. Ghost Face Killah tries chocking her but she kicks him in the balls. I mean, I guess we officially narrowed down the suspects by gender. Good work, Drew?
00:11:45Drew crawls and tries to contact her parents as they walk into the house. She fails. Ghost Face Killah mounts her and, as he is about to stab her, Drew rips his mask off.
00:12:19 Noticing the burnt popcorn and downright destruction of their home, her parents pick up the phone to call the police. Instead they get the continued call Barrymore was on. They hear her gasps as Ghost Face Killah drags her dying body across the lawn.
00:12:49 Mom exits the house to find Barrymore hung from a tree.
00:13:00 We’re only thirteen fucking minutes into this movie?!
00:13:24 Neve Campbell’s character, named Sidney, types stuff into her 90’s age computer. Her boyfriend tries to go all Clarissa Explains It All by sneaking in through her second story window. The fucking 90’s, man.
00:13:42 Sidney’s father knocks on the door and her boyfriend scrambles underneath the bed. Her father gives us some exposition that he will be gone all week and that it’d be an unfortunate time for Sidney to deal with a serial killer. Teenagers, huh?
00:14:21 Boyfriend, Billy, explains that The Exorcist was on and it made him think about his girlfriend. Seriously, is this how flirting is supposed to go?
00:14:40Billy makes a (romantic?) speech about the MPAA and their relationship. Dude, just tell her you want to be intimate. I don’t think a girl has ever been seduced by the MPAA or being compared to The Exorcist.
00:15:23 After his NC-17 proposition is shot down, Billy accepts the PG-13 compromise and still tries to cop a feel.
00:16:15Sidney tells Billy that he should go before her dad hears them. Seriously, dude, if you didn’t come in guns blazing, bringing your meta-horror charm, you’d probably still be hanging out right now.
00:17:16 The local high school of our horny protagonists has been transformed into a police state after the death of Drew Barrymore. Barricades have been erected and media line the streets. Honestly, I feel this is an overreaction. Come on, local news, there isn’t anything more important than hanging out with a bunch of teenagers? This isn’t even the goddamn crime scene! Why are you at the high school anyway??
00:18:08 Sidney and her (best?) friend gossip about Barrymore’s murder. Don’t worry, apparently Barrymore was a whore anyway. I think her flirting with random dudes on the phone was supposed to symbolize that.
00:19:04 And now I guess they’re interviewing all the students? I feel like all this attention is being misdirected. You doooo know the murder did not occur on campus, right? Can we clarify that someone read an actual police report?
00:19:20 Oh look! The Fonz is the principal! What a cool dude!
00:19:26 “Eyyyyyy, Sidney!”
00:19:43 Now the students have a school-enforced curfew. Damn, this high school sucks pretty bad for being run by the Fonz. WHO HURT YOU, FONZIE!?
00:20:10 The cool kids hang out at the giant water fountain. Get out of here, nerds!
00:20:15 Oh look, Shaggy (Matthew Lillard) is one of the cool kids!
00:20:21 “How do you gut someone?” Sidney asks. Gee, I don’t fucking know, Sidney. I feel like the term ‘gutting’ is pretty self explanatory? Teenagers, man.
00:20:44 The cool kids club start blaming each other for Barrymore’s murder. Quiet, guys! The Fonz may have wire tapped the fountain!!
00:21:31 One of these guys keeps making the most annoying voices when he talks. I hate him. Initiate the tontine?
00:21:55 But really, based on the interaction by the water fountain, does this group of friends even like each other? Or are they, like, all dealing each other pot and nobody wants to break the chain?
00:23:35Sidney watches the news from her couch. The reporters harp on the incredible lack of clues in the Barrymore case. Didn’t Ghost Face Killah gut and hang these victims? And he even abducted the boyfriend from his home. Maybe they should get Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman on the case. They did a hell of a lot more with a whole lot less last time around.
00:23:51 Apparently Sidney’s mother was murdered a year ago and her body left in town square. Poor Sidney.
Sidney clicks through the news.
00:25:20Sidney falls asleep on the couch and is awoken hours later by the phone. Her best friend (Rose McGowan) says something about Tom Cruise’s dick and that she is coming over. Sidney hangs up.
00:25:31 Phone rings again, Sidney answers. “Hello, Sidney.” Fucking here we go again.
00:25:40Sidney begins a random conversation with the stranger. Wait. Let’s step aside for a second and wonder how there were no clues at Barrymore’s crime scene. The phone rung and was answered around 20 fucking times in the span of ten minutes. All one has to do is check the call log from Barrymore’s parents service provider. I’d assume that’d be step one since she died with the cordless phone still operating.
Step two: fuck the curfews, why isn’t the school building awareness for not giving your life’s story to strangers who randomly call your house? I don’t know, man. The Fonz has really gone off the deep end.
00:26:03 “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Come on, please don’t say Halloween again. Let’s try something new. I’m sure Ghost Face Killah would appreciate some originality. Oh, oh, I don’t know, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. “Well, fuck, Sidney, I didn’t think anyone liked that movie. I guess you fucking live!”
00:26:06Sidney assumes that it’s Jamie Kennedy prank calling. “I like that thing you’re doing with your voice, Jamie. It’s sexy.” Le sigh. Fucking teenagers, man.
00:26:34Sidney still flirts with not-Jamie Kennedy until not-Jamie Kennedy says, for the umpteenth time, “I’m not Jamie fucking Kennedy.” Sidney turns cold. Ohhhh, now you get it?!
00:27:22 Ghost Face Killah claims that he is on the porch. Sidney calls bullshit and goes outside. No Ghost Face Killah. Ghost Face is a total wimp.
00:28:30Sidney goes back into her house and GHOST FACE KILLAH jumps out of the closet. Booo!
00:29:00 He’s about to stab her but Sidney kicks Ghost Face Killah in the balls. I think it’s time to add a cup to your equipment set, bro.
00:29:10 He chases her up the stairs and Sidney locks herself in her room. She dials 911 on her AOL Wireless. Ghost Face Killah vanishes.
00:30:07Billy instantly launches through her bed side window, not-so-Clarissa Explains It All style this time, and hugs Sidney. A cell phone falls from his pocket and Sidney panics and runs.
00:30:40 She rushes to the door and finds David Arquette (Officer Dewey) on her front porch, holding Ghost Face Killah’s mask. Dewey explains that he found it on the ground. The cops arrest Billy.
00:31:33Rose arrives and takes Sidney home. Apparently Dewey is Rose’s brother? Okay.
00:32:06 Reporter Monica Gellar (played by, you guessed it, Courtney Cox) arrives on the scene to poach the story. Not this time, Monica!
00:32:34 By the way, Scary Movie essentially uses the exact same script as Scream. I am not kidding.
00:32:43Sidney answers some of Officer Dewey’s questions at the station. Billy stares across the room. Awkward.
00:33:20Billy is questioned by the police chief. He has his lawyer-dad present. The lawyer opinions the police check his client’s phone bill. “Thanks for telling us how to do our damn job,” the chief sarcastically remarks. But helloooooo! Are you going to check anyone’s fucking phone bill?
00:34:00 “We’re going to have to hold you, son, until we get those phone records.” And, while you’re at it, you should probably collect Barrymore’s phone records and, oh yeah, tell students to stop talking to fucking strangers on their goddamn phones. WHERE THE FUCK IS FREEPITT WHEN YOU NEED THEM!?
00:34:29Monica arrives at the police station. She must be a bad reporter because she ends up being the last media member there.
00:35:15Dewey and the chief agree that they should pull Billy’s phone bill. And thennnn….
00:35:21 “Think he did it?” Dewey asks. I don’t know, Dewey. How about we get some fucking phone bills all up in this bitch and do some fucking cross referencing. Who hired these people?
00:35:27 Chief sighs, “damned if I know.” fuck.
Officer Dewey and his equally inept Police Chief.
00:36:17Dewey leads Sidney and Rose out the back exit. Monica intercepts them. Sidney asks Monica how her book’s coming, Monica says she’ll send her a copy. Sidney punches Monica in the face. Sidney: book hater.
00:37:07Sidney bunks up with Rose. For some reason, Rose has two twin beds in her room. Where’s the other sibling, Rose?! This may be the true mystery!
00:37:36 The phone rings downstairs. Rose’s mom tells Sidney there’s a call for her but she doesn’t know who it is. Why is Sidney not on goddamn lockdown right now?? Police officer Dewey is even in the house! This shit needs to be on lock. down.
00:38:06 This time Ghost Face Killah hangs up. What a pleasant twist!
00:39:05 At breakfast the next morning, Dewey informs Sidney that Billy’s cellular calls were clean and he’s been released. And….? Oh, that’s it? You didn’t, like, check anyone else’s phone bills? No? Alright then.
00:39:45Dewey gives Sidney a police escort to school. He also does a piss poor job of keeping her away from the media; she is immediately swamped on arrival.
00:40:28Sidney confronts Monica about the night before. Apparently Monica is writing a book about her mother’s murder case and she has written a lot of slander on Sidney. Monica believes that the man who has been convicted of the mother’s murder is innocent. Sidney gives a look that she may believe this also and Monica gets a hard-on about a potential book sequel. I’d focus on getting the first book published, Mon.
Monica reporting live from totally-not-the-crime-scene. We just want to hang out around high schools all day.
00:43:35Sidney and ex-convict Billy run into each other at school. “What, you’d rather think I’m a psycho killer than have sex with me,” Billy pries. Billy, this is not the type of flirting that allows you to have sex with your girlfriend. At all.
00:43:49 “Billy, I was attacked and nearly filleted last night,” Sidney exclaims. “I’m talking about us, Sid,” Billy continues. Still not the right time to talk about ‘us’. Like, at all.
00:44:19 With his flirting making zero progress, Billy makes an analogy involving having sex and Sidney’s mother being killed exactly a year ago. This guy is supposed to have charm?
00:48:07Ghost Face Killah hides in the girl’s bathroom and tries to kill Sidney. End scene?
00:48:49Monica flirts with (her future husband) Dewey to try to get inside information.
00:49:24 Official announcement that all classes will be suspended. Eyyyyyy Fonzi!!!!
00:49:31 Also in effect: a city-wide curfew. Boooooo!
00:50:37Matthew Lillard is amped about all the murders because now he gets to throw a party. Cool?
00:51:32The Fonz hangs out wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask in his office. The students of this shitty high school have taken to running around wearing the costume because it’s hip and trendy and fucking relatable? Anyway, grown-up Fonz has some strange fetishes.
00:51:36 There’s a knock at his door. The Fonz answers. No one is there.
00:51:49 There’s another knock. Fonzie answers… oh not this shit again.
00:52:11Fonz checks down the hallway. Only a Freddy Krueger look-alike janitor mopping the floors. I’m not kidding. Can you suck your own dick harder, Wes Craven?
00:53:10Fonzie returns to his office where he is killed by Ghost Face Killah. Not cool, dude.
00:55:38 All the cool kids hang out at the VHS Store! Jamie Kennedy rips to Matthew Lillard that Billy is totally the killer.
00:56:44Jamie Kennedy performs a meta-horror monologue on the formula to horror-movie killings. And, I mean, he’s not wrong. I feel like that’ll be me someday: standing in the middle of Best Buy, ranting about horror movie cliches and screaming, “EVERYBODY’S A SUSPECT.”
00:58:01 Wow. Everyone is taking this curfew seriously. Every local business has shut down operations. Do they know that the killer’s only target the past few days has been Sidney? I mean, he’s pretty keen on killing Sidney and he’s been rather inefficient. I don’t know why he even wasted his time on Barrymore to be honest. Have the police warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers? Please tell me that the police have warned it’s citizens to be weary of phone calls from strangers.
00:59:47 Oh my god. The chief tells Dewey that they traced the calls. THEY ACTUALLY TRACED THE GODDAMN CALLS! And it ties back to Sidney’s father’s phone. Ohhhhhh.
01:00:11 Chief initiates the manhunt for Sidney’s father, who is supposed to be away on business.
01:01:17Dewey breaks everything the curfew stands for and drives Rose and Sidney to a giant house party. Teenagers, man.
01:02:10Dewey runs into Monica, who is looking to scavenge a story from the house party. They agree to check it out together which is the opposite of keeping Sidney away from the media. In the last minute, Dewey has put Sidney in the middle of danger with a bunch of drunk teenagers who may be trying to kill her and brought her worst enemy to come report on her party antics. Great fucking job, Officer Dewey.
01:02:15 Oh yeah. And David Arquette is portraying Dewey as the single most awkward human being ever captured on film. So there’s that.
01:04:14Monica places a hidden camera at the party. Whatta muckraker!
01:04:49Rose goes to retrieve more beers from the garage. The door locks behind her and the lights go out.
01:05:36 She opens the garage and tries to leave through there but it begins closing halfway up. She turns and sees GHOST FACE KILLAH manning the control boardddddd.
01:05:55 “Is that you Jamie?” Rose snarks. Ghost Face Killah shakes his head. Poor Jamie Kennedy. Everyone just assumes he dresses up in black gowns and stabs people.
01:06:08 “Ohh you want to play psycho killer?” toys Rose. Ghost Face Killah nods. “Can I be the helpless victim?” GFK nods again.
01:06:15 “Please don’t kill me, mister ghost face,” Rose taunts, “I want to be in the sequel,” instantly eliminating her from sequel contention.
01:06:22 Rose calls Ghost Face Killah, ‘Casper.’ This does not sit well with GFK.
01:06:39 He cuts her arm and she runs. Ghost Face Killah pursues and Rose swings the freezer door in his face, knocking him to the floor. Dang, and he was finally wearing his cup too!
01:06:49 Rose begins throwing beer bottles at Ghost Face Killah. He then powers through and is table topped by Rose. Ghost Face Killah kinda sucks at this killing his victims thing.
01:06:57Rose attempts to escape through a dog door but she can’t fit. She gets stuck halfway and Ghost Face Killah initiates the garage door. Rose gets crushed within the mechanism.
01:08:11Billy shows up as the party is ending and Matthew Lillard offers his room to Sidney for a ‘make-up’.
01:10:30Sidney opens her heart up to Billy who then compares her to Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Christ.
01:11:14 Somehow calling your girlfriend Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs helps you have sex. Who-da-fucking-thunk-it?
01:12:49Jamie Kennedy puts on Halloween and forces his fellow party-ers to watch and I suddenly realize I am Jamie fucking Kennedy in Scream. We have to end the diary log now, I said I hated Jamie Kennedy’s character about 20 minutes in. Dammit.
01:13:00 Some drunk teenager questions Jamie Kennedy about the horror movie rules. Andddd initiate Scream’s guidelines to avoid being in a horror film situation!
Jamie Kennedy pauses the film and stands up in front of the crowd. Dammit, I can’t believe I’m Jamie fucking Kennedy here.
“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie,” Kennedy begins.
“Number one: you can never have sex.”
This draws much booing from his audience. Fucking teenagers.
“Sex equals death.” Okay, Mean Girls.
“Number two: never drink or do drugs.”
The audience clink their beer glasses.
“And number three: never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say, ‘I’ll be right back.’”
“I’m getting another beer, you want one?” Lillard rises.
“Sure.”
“I’ll be right backkkkkkk!” You’re fucking hilarious, Shaggy.
By the way, those rules suck. Those are not the horror rules. I’ll write some fucking horror rules, stay tuned. It’s a work in progress.
Jamie Kennedy explains the rules of horror to disinterested drunk teenagers.
01:14:18Monica watches her hidden camera feed from a news truck across the street. Dewey comes banging on the door asking if she wants to come inspect a car crash with him. Monica accepts. And they lived happily ever after.
01:16:16 A phone rings. Jamie Kennedy answers and is informed that the Fonz was found gutted and hung from the goal post. Homecoming was intense this year, guys!
01:16:22 The party goers are amped so they ditch Kennedy to check out the scene before the police bring him down. Fucking teenagers. That’s The Fonz you’re talking about, show some respect!
01:17:27Dewey and Monica walk down a dirt road, flirting all along the way. The drunk caravan of Fonz haters nearly hit them. They dive out of the way and make out. Because romance?
01:18:44 They find the ditched car Dewey heard about. It belongs to Sidney’s father. They rush back towards the house party.
01:20:14Sidney asks Billy who his one phone call was after he was arrested. She laughs and says how it would be ironic, if he was the killer, how he could have used it to call her the night Ghost Face Killah threatened her at Rose’s house.
01:20:20 By the way, Rose died, like, a couple hours ago. She’s hanging out, crushed in the garage door. Is anybody concerned? I mean, she was getting beers so I’m pretty sure someone was concerned they didn’t receive their beer.
01:20:32 Ghost Face Killah sneaks up behind Billy and stabs him. He then reengages his long continuing pursuit of Sidney.
01:21:05 He chases her around the house and Sidney knocks him out with a door.
Dear Concussed Ghost Face Killah,
I know you made the (wise) effort to wear a cup to work. But next time, also consider a helmet?
01:21:13Sidney locks herself in the attic. She tries to signal Monica’s production van but no dice. She climbs onto the roof and, after being grabbed by GFK, falls off.
01:22:11 Upon landing on a conveniently-placed tarp, she discovers the dead Rose. It’s only been a few hours since she went to get you a beer, Sid. Maybe you guys weren’t all that good of friends after all.
01:22:22Jamie Kennedy still watches Halloween on the couch, long after all the other guests have left. Why is this me?
01:22:31Ghost Face Killah arrives. I wonder what his favorite movie is. Is it Halloween!?
01:22:55 As he is about to murder a Jamie Lee Curtis-distracted Jamie Kennedy, Ghost Face Killah becomes distracted by Sidney’s screams outside. Priorities, bro.
01:23:37Sidney takes refuge in the production van with Monica’s camera guy. They watch as Jamie Kennedy narrowly avoids death. But the camera guy remembers that the footage is on a 30-second delay. He exits the van and notices the house’s front door wide open. Ghost Face Killah sneaks around the van and slits his throat.
01:23:57Sidney escapes the van and runs into a horse field.
01:24:28 Dewey and Monica return to the house and Dewey investigates.
01:26:44Monica attempts to flee in the production van and narrowly avoids hitting Sidney. The production van goes flying into the woods and rams into a tree. Your mother is avenged, Sid!
01:27:17Sidney returns to the house and finds Dewey leaning against the front door with a knife in his back. Ghost Face Killah re-pursues Sidney.
01:27:48Sidney rushes to Dewey’s police car and locks the door. Ghost Face Killah hangs outside, giggling and waving the car keys at the window. He disappears underneath the vehicle’s eye-line.
01:28:06 He unlocks one door and Sidney dives over the seat to re-lock it.
01:28:22 He opens the hatchback trunk.
01:28:30 And grabs Sidney. She wrestles with GFK and escapes the vehicle. Ghost Face Killah is soooo inept at killing his key targets.
01:28:56Jamie Kennedy shows up outside. Sidney points Dewey’s gun at him. Oh, and apparently Matthew Lillard has now reemerged. Curious.
01:29:15 “He did it!” “No, he did it!” “No, no, he did it, Sidney!” “NO HE DID IT!” For fucks sake just shoot them both!
01:29:21 “Fuck you both,” and Sidney locks them out of the house. Good for you, Sid. Morale victories are fun too.
01:29:42 As they bang on the door, Billy comes rolling down the steps. Sidney runs to comfort him but he insists that she open the front door.
01:30:25Billy lets Jamie Kennedy in, quotes Psycho and shoots him with Sidney’s gun. I mean, I think Kennedy can appreciate going out that way. Psycho is a pretty legendary film.
01:30:40 Oh shit, I’m dead?
01:30:45Billy reveals his blood as colored corn syrup. You should probably get that checked out, dude.
01:30:51 Matthew Lillard reemerges. Sidney is a little bit too surprised given it isLillard’s house and all.
01:31:25Billy corners Sidney in the kitchen. “Fuck you!” Sidney screams. “I already did that, baha!” Stillll not flirting, dude.
01:32:16 “Why’d you kill my mother?” Sidney cries.
“Here that? She wants a motive. Sidney, did Norman Bates have a motive?” Billy lectures.
Ummm, yeah. He kind of did. Did you even watch Psycho? You just read Wikipedia, didn’t you. Yeahhhh, you read Wikipedia.
Oh and what the fuck? Why’d you kill her mother and then wait a year to kill her and all of her friends? Were you really that confident you two would still be dating?
01:32:29 “It’s scarier when there is no motive,” Billy reasons.
“We killed your mother because she was a slut,” Billy says in his next breath, stating his motive and ruining all of his credibility. “Your mother was fucking my father and she’s the reason that my mother moved out and abandoned me.”
Hey, Billy, do we need to go to dictionary.com and look up the fucking definition of the word, ‘motive’? Because I don’t think you get it. And, ewwww, you still dated the daughter of the woman who fucked your dad?
01:33:38Matthew Lillard gets way too excited before dragging Sidney’s father into the room. This movie takes place over a week and you just held someone hostage in your home? Don’t you live with your parents or something and they didn’t find this guy when you were out at school?
01:34:08 They place all of the clues on Sidney’s father. The perfect crime! Except for all your finger prints and Billy’s sexual acts with Sidney. Don’t worry, I don’t think CBS has a CSI franchise dispatched to your neighborhood yet.
01:34:52Billy stabs Matthew Lillard to play it off like they are victims as well. Then Lillard stabs Billy. And then Billy stabs Lillard. Then again. Then again. Ummm, didn’t you guys plan this part out? This doesn’t seem like it’s all going to plan.
What a cute couple
01:36:27Lillard goes to retrieve the gun but finds it missing and panics.
01:36:46 Monica aims the gun at Lillard.
01:37:17Monica pulls the trigger but the safety is on. Billy sparta kicks her out the door.
01:37:59 Distracted by the awesome-ness of Billy’s sparta kick, the GhostFaceKillah’s lose track of Sidney.
01:38:13 The phone rings. Billy answers.
01:38:28Sidney tells Billy that she already called the police. He gives the phone to a steadily-bleeding out Matthew Lillard.
01:39:03Billy quickly changes his mind and yanks the phone from Lillard. He yells, “fuckkkk,” into the receiver then throws it into Lillard’s back.
“Stop hitting me with the phone, you dick!” shouts a blood-vacant Lillard.
“Yo, I’ve told you man. You’ve got the wrong number.”
01:39:51Billy searches for his ex-girlfriend-step-sister but is distracted by Jamie Lee Curtis, who is still on the freaking TV. Taking her chance, Sidney stabs Billy with an umbrella while wearing the Ghost Face Killah mask.
01:40:18 Obviously-pissed-over-the-amount-of-blood-he’s-lost-Matthew Lillard tackles Sidney. She then beats up Lillard and drops the Halloween-playing-TV on his face, electrocuting him.
01:40:52Jamie Kennedy pops up. Oh my god! He’s alive!
01:41:01 And immediately gets punched in the face by Billy.
01:41:39Billy attempts to stab Sidney but is shot by Monicawho has discovered the goddamn safety!
01:42:59 The police finally arrive and take Sidney’s father to the hospital. Monica does her news story (and gets her book sequel!)
How was the party, Sid?
End Credits
That’s a wrap on Scream. I’m over 5,000 words on a movie that was only an hour forty-five long. Dammit.
Anyway, we learned that I am Jamie Kennedy, I guess… That comparing your relationship to classic horror films is not flirting and that BARRYMORE CANNOT COOK POPCORN LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING! FOR FUCKS SAKE!
That’s all I’ve got. Do as you will with it.
Sources
Scream. Dir. Wes Craven. Perf. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox. Dimension Films, 1996.
00:00:00 So do you remember when I said that there were films which I was really afraid to see? Well, Oculus is one of them and guess what I’m freaking watching? Also, take note my bravery as I am watching this at, like, 10pm. No, you’ve been drinking!
Anyway, I’ve heard that it is a really good film and not actually too scary. I’m just afraid that I’m going to be dodging mirrors by the end of the night. Oculus was originally a short film created by screenwriter/director Mike Flanagan. This is his full motion picture adaption and it stars my one true love, Karen Gillan. She is pretty much the only one who is going to drag me through this.
Okay, I’ve stalled for long enough? Good. Horror Holiday presents Oculus!
00:00:51 Oh no way! This is a WWE Studio picture? I didn’t know John Cena was producing now! That man is fucking talented!
00:01:55 Young redhead girl and her brunette brother try to escape a house. A young adult sneaks up behind them with a gun, aims and fires. Smash cut to the young adult in therapy, explaining his dream.
00:03:10 Let me stop us right here. Fair warning: this diary log is going to get strange. There are a lot of perception mind fucks, which is one of the other things that attracted me to this film. The perception filter is going to be difficult to conceptually portray in writing, so I’ll try my best to construct it in a way that makes some semblance of sense.
00:03:11 Oh, and a perception filter is basically the veil between our realities. Our reality is as we perceive it. If we perceive something, then it is real. But what is reality, really? Reality is just a thin veil between our perception of dimensions. Mind fucked yet?
Look around the room you are in. Things seem similar, right? Now try to focus on something that you take for granted, something that has always been in your line of sight but, when you survey a room, you’re all like, whatever. Stare at it. You noticed some new things about it, right? Details have emerged that you never noticed before, huh? Now it is a part of your reality, whether you like it or not. But did it exist before you took notice? That’s what perception is. Welcome to Oculus.
00:03:12 Oh, and the young adult, which I can assume is the young redhead’s brother, is a generic, wavy-haired Abercrombie model. He will be known as Fitch (because Abercrombie is too long, dammit!)
00:03:23 There she is! Her red pony tail swings back and forth as she marches towards an auction house bidding room. The love of my life, Karen Gillan!
00:04:09 And she’s buying the goddamn haunted mirror. Why, Karen? Why?!
00:04:15 Stop bidding! Just use the buy now option! You’re paying wayyy over sticker price!
00:04:30Fitch is being lectured by his doctor to be safe when he leaves the medical facility. It is important for his recovery. Doc, I think safety is important for anyone’s recovery.
00:06:04Gillan picks her brother up from the One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Memorial Hospital and asks him to move in with her until he’s settled. Fitch doesn’t seem like he’s into that type of commitment just yet. He just wants to pose in front of stores for preteen clothing. God, just let the man live how he wants!
00:06:52Gillan tells Fitch that she found the mirror that drove him crazy. Fitch, obviously, is not pleased.
00:07:27Gillan wants to kill the mirror. Now I’m amped! Let’s kill some fucking mirrors guys! Better yet, let’s just kill all the goddamn mirrors! Is this a social commentary of modern narcissism? This is your fault, teenagers! Taking all those damn selfies! Now we have to take it out on the mirrors!
00:08:48 Flashback to eleven years earlier. Katee Sackhoff of Battlestar Galactica Starbuck fame and the children’s Dave Matthews-looking father are moving into a new home in what looks like Alabama. It may be the same house from The Patriot but I could have sworn the British burnt that down. Wait, is this reality?? HAVE WE ALREADY STARTED?!
00:09:32 Jump cut to present day. This editing is going to be the death of this diary log.
00:09:56Fitch decides to move into a hotel room. It fits his amateur modeling career better, he says.
00:10:29Karen Gillan says that she is going to kick the mirror’s ass tomorrow if Fitch wants to come watch. I’ll come watch, Karen! From a distance and all, though. I don’t want to get too close and end up in 1930’s New York or something (someone please get that reference.)
00:10:47 And jump cut to eleven years prior. I don’t know how I’m going to keep track of this. I already use freaking colors. Am I supposed to italicize everything now??
00:11:49Dave Matthews stubs his toe in the kitchen. No, you got jump scared!
00:12:01 Then he sees a freaky girl with glowing eyes for a second but she vanishes when he double takes. Perception filters are a bitch, man. He enters the room with the all-mighty Mirror of Camelot and sees a blood stain on his shirt which obviously isn’t there in real life. He shrugs and goes back to bed.
00:13:38Karen Gillan awakes in the middle of the night and starts trash talking the mirror. She turns away and Dave Matthews appears and begins strangling her. But she is actually still in bed, she only dreamt she awoke and approached the mirror.
Dave Matthews tries to strangle his futuristic daughter
00:13:59 How the fuck am I going to write these perception glitches coherently? Dammit. If I can someone convey the actual story along with my made up side-plots, I deserve a freaking Oscar.
00:16:07Gillan explains to her boyfriend that she has to kick a mirror’s ass, so she’s taking the weekend off.
00:16:55Gillan visits the mirror at the auction house, ready to bring it home. While inspecting the mirror, she notices things moving in the reflection behind her. She turns and sees nothing has changed. So is this like a staring into Medusa’s eyes type of thing? Where, if you stare too long, your reality becomes royally fucked?
00:19:09 This mirror is already mind fucking Gillan. She tells Mirror of Camelot, “bring it on.”
00:19:49 By the way, they got rid of Karen Gillan’s Scottish accent. She is sporting an American one here and it makes me sad.
00:20:24 Eleven years ago, in a galaxy far far away…
00:20:39Dave Matthews sits in his office, which is the mirror’s place of residence. Just saying, this mirror is gothic as shit. It does not fit the room at all. It looks like it should be in the Evil Queen’s lair. How did you escape the cartoons, Mirror, and enter Alabama?? Do you even have a valid passport?
00:21:39Baby Gillan complains that she doesn’t have a cell phone but all her friends at school do. I can totally relate, Baby Gillan from eleven years ago.
00:22:42Fitch and Gillan return home. Gillan brings her dog, who is named Dog. Come on, Karen. You have the imagination to do battle with an evil-riddled mirror but you can’t come up with a creative enough name for your dog?
00:24:27Fitch enters his dad’s old office and is attracted to a metal hook in the wall. He looks away and then it’s gone. He actually isn’t that shocked that it disappears. If this were me, I’d probably burn the house down from that experience alone.
00:25:38 Gillan and Fitch bring the mirror inside. Gillan has a bunch of cameras set up to distinguish between what they are seeing and what is real. Or… real.
00:27:05 She also has an alarm set to go off every hour and each room tracking the temperature so that if there are changes, alarms will trigger.
00:27:30Gillan begins a documentary-style introduction towards one of her cameras. She states her purpose: that these recordings will prove if there is an, “observable predictable supernatural force,” within the mirror that is responsible for decades worth of deaths.
00:28:05 She then introduces the mirror’s history of killing.
00:29:03 Oh, by the way, smash all your mirrors now. Trust no one!!!
I guess these kids never saw Paranormal Activity
00:30:39Gillan reveals the rolodex of past victims. Satan’s Mirror has a bit of a rap sheet. Basically, this shit is serious.
00:30:45 As Gillan is going over the accounts, she is distracted by a golden retriever passing through the adjacent hallway. They didn’t bring a golden retriever.
00:31:00Gillan also brought much food and water. Basically, the mirror doesn’t come out and kill you Freddy Krueger style. It messes with your perceptions so that you die of “natural” causes like starvation, dehydration, self mutilation, etc. That is why Gillan has set up the timers and such.
Let’s break it down again. We are shredding the fibers of reality here. Time doesn’t exist; Lucy lied to you. Time is how we measure things but time is not real. It is our reality but it does not exist. We perceive time as minutes, hours, days, years. But what actuality does it hang itself on? It makes people, places, things easier to perceive, creates balance within our reality. Cause and effect. It takes three hours to drive to Boston. That seems simple. But in actuality, the time and distance traveled is something made up to make sense within our minds.
The mirror messes with that basis. You can be staring at a wall for ten seconds, look away a beat then come back. It’s been ten days. Perception is a fragile thing; it’s a tragic thing to lose.
00:32:23Fitch interrupts Gillan’s documentary to argue causation versus correlation. And Fitch is right, in ways. What is this, an actual smart horror movie? Well, I’ll be damned.
00:32:45Fitch asks why they can’t just smash the Evil Queen’s Mirror. Gillan smirks and reminds him that they tried that as kids. Fitch does not remember the event taking place.
00:32:47 It’s a tragic thing to lose indeed.
00:35:11 Gillan explains that the mirror won’t let you destroy it. You can approach it with an ice pick but a second later, you’ll be sitting in another room, wondering why there is an ice pick penetrating through your chest.
00:35:33 WHAT
00:35:34 IS
00:35:35 LIFE????
Gillan and Fitch battle Mirror, round one!
00:36:20 Just saying, for doing battle with the hunched back mirror of Notre Dame, Gillan has a pretty fool-proof plan. Whether she actually kills the mirror by dawn or not, she has a timing mechanism set up to launch an anvil driven hammer through the mirror. Your move, Mickey Mirror!
00:36:35 I wonder if Disney sues me for all these references?
00:36:43Dave Matthews types in his office. The mirror watches. He takes a bandaid off his finger and continues typing. He looks back down and the bandaid is back on his finger. He takes a staple remover to remove the bandaid, but his vision of a reality returns and he has taken off his fingernail.
00:40:04Gillan uses the dog in the name of science. She puts Dog in front of the mirror, covered by a sheet.
00:40:50Dave Matthews has bought a gun in case of shooting the mirror…. and potentially your entire family if your reality folds.
00:41:34 So the Mirror of Azkaban is obviously destroying Matthews’ psyche. Can we go back and see if Jack Torrance had any weird looking mirrors at his Breckinridge palace? I mean, for fuck sake, that place was big enough!
00:42:47 So has it really been 42 minutes of movie time, OR DO YOU JUST THINK IT HAS BEEN??? What if we haven’t even started the diary log! Mwuahahahaha!
00:44:53 Also, guys, I think we have to discuss the dark realities of these characters as well. Like in The Shining with Jack and then with his son’s visions, can we trust that what we are shown on screen is actually real or canon? Jack had a potential mental illness along with alcoholism. His son had visions and could have suffered from similar mental illnesses.
What if Dave Matthews is simply mentally disturbed and the stress of the new house set it off? What if both of his children suffer from a similar illness as well and what we are seeing is what they want us to see, i.e. what they believe they are seeing. Just some tips to think beyond what the movie is showing you.
Gillan sets up the alarms and timers.
00:46:01 So Gillan reveals that the mirror killed their golden retriever. She has placed Dog in front of the mirror to see if it kills again. You may receive a call from PETA soon, Miss Gillan.
00:47:11Gillan and Fitch discuss their childhood and what they believe actually happened. Five minutes pass. But an hour passes. The timers sound. The temperature slightly rises.
00:50:03Fitch argues that the family may just have mental problems and basically states all that I did above. Honestly, director Mike Flanagan, it takes some balls to punch a hole through your whole movie premise and still keep it running! Fire all the executives responsible for the Halloween remakes, hire more people like Mike fucking Flanagan!
00:51:27Gillan finally agrees that Fitch may have a point. She walks into the office to turn off the camera and end the Mirror experiment.
00:51:59 She enters the office and is frozen. The cameras have been moved to face each other. Dead plants lay at their tripoded feet.
00:52:01 Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
00:52:08 The temperature has now risen ten degrees in the last, I don’t know, five minutes? Hour? FIVE HOURS?
00:52:13Gillan is as amped as Bill Paxton when he sees a goddamn tornado. Fitch’s mental well-being completely crashes to the ground. Dudeeee, you should totally go back to Cuckoo’s Nest Hospital and be like, “I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!”
00:52:27 Nooooooo. So, during Gillan and Fitch’s argument, they were standing still on screen. But, as Gillan rewinds the camera feed, she sees that they moved the cameras to face each other and they placed the dead plants while arguing.
00:52:50 Houston, we have a fucking problem.
00:53:39Gillan and Fitch leave the office to observe more perception fuckery around the house.
00:54:33Fitch thinks he walked outside and made a phone call. But he just sat down in the middle of the room. Fitch is quickly losing it.
00:55:09 Eleven fortnights ago, Baby Gillan witnessed her mother having a staring contest with Mirror Mirror Almighty
00:57:15Starbuck sends the children to bed. She is challenging Doctor Mirror to an ol’ fashioned DRAW!
00:57:59Starbuck finds Dave Matthews’ work. He has scribbled meaningless words all over some of his paperwork. Is he Jack Torrance Reincarnated? Whatever you do, kids, don’t let him believe that he is a good writer. He’ll move you all out to Breckinridge and chase you through mazes for eternity!
00:58:29Starbuck throws everything off Dave Matthews’ desk. Or did she really?
00:59:00 She throws a paperweight at the mirror in anger. The mirror counterattacks with perception fuckery! The mirror has possessedStarbuck.
Dave Matthews and his one true love, mirror.
00:00:00 So do you remember when I said that there were films that I was really afraid to see? Well, Oculus is one of them and guess what I’m freaking watching? Also, take note my bravery as I am watching this at, like, 10pm. No, you’ve been drinking!
Anyway, I’ve heard that it is a really good film and not actually that scary. I’m just afraid I’m going to be dodging mirrors by the end of the….. Ahhhh! Gotcha! Did I get you? You thought we were back at the beginning and… Yeah, that was lame. I’ll show myself out…
01:00:30Starbuck tries to grab Young Fitch’s throat. Baby Gillan and Young Fitch scramble away as she pursues.
01:00:50Dave Matthews returns home to find Starbuck banging on the children’s door. She tries to strangle him as well.
01:02:16 Somehow, Jack-Torrance-influenced-Dave Matthews appears to be the sane one here.
01:02:52 Until he makes an outbound call that gets intercepted by Oculus Wireless and he gets possessed too.
01:03:42 The hour timer sounds. Fitch can’t distinguish the past from the present anymore. Maybe it’s a bit too soon to go bragging to the Memorial Hospital.
01:04:40 Possessed Dave Matthews is doing his best impression of Kathy Bates’ Misery, tells his children to not disturb their mother who now lives in their bedroom for all eternity.
01:05:02 Two minutes have passed. The hour timer sounds again.
Guys, if you think you can avenge your parents whose deaths were caused by an evil mirror, just don’t, okay?
01:05:53 Pretty sure Dave Matthews has Starbuck tied up in their room Exorcist style. And, honestly, I don’t blame anyone for that method after what I’ve seen so far.
01:06:16 You have probably noticed that I’m not even clarifying the past and present cut scene jumps. They’re all meshed together because what is time other than layers on top of one another, ready to be fucked with by evil mirrors.
01:06:23Gillan goes to replace a blown light bulb. After fixing it, she picks up an apple she was previously eating and takes a bite. But the apple is really a light bulb. And it has self destructed within her mouth.
01:07:43 Except it hasn’t. And it is really an apple. Are you all still with me?
01:09:10Dave Matthews spends his days staring at Mirror Mirror, entranced by it’s majestic glory and unabashed triumph. Perhaps Oculus is really about their father’s affair with the mirror and his children’s hatred towards their step-mirror-mother.
01:10:42Baby Gillan sneaks into her parents’ bed room, where she finds her mother tied up in a chain collar like a dog.
01:10:45 Come on, Dave Matthews, the mirror isn’t even sexy. It’s all gothic and shit. Do you really want to bang that for the rest of your life? No I will not be your best man!
01:11:23 The children complain that their new step-mirror-mom won’t buy groceries or clean the house. She just married you for the sex and money! Can’t you see you’re tearing this family apart?!
01:14:34 And now the perception filters are overlapping as Young Fitch witnesses adult Fitch enter his bedroom.
01:17:12 The perception filters mess with Gillan, who stabs her boyfriend whom she thought was her possessed mother.
01:17:40 Boyfriend dies.
01:17:54Gillan’s phone rings and it’s her boyfriend asking how things are going.
01:18:00Gillan concludes that she couldn’t have killed her boyfriend, that the mirror is playing tricks again
01:18:44 She turns on her iPhone camera and raises the lens to reveal her dead boyfriend. Her actual dead boyfriend.
01:18:46 THIS MIRROR PLAYS FOR KEEPS!
01:18:50 Listen, I can’t properly explain the mind fuckery that’s going on right now. I’m just calling it as I see it.
01:21:08Gillan and Fitch call for help but they realize that they didn’t. That they can’t. That this situation is really, really bad.
01:21:45Dave Matthews loads his gun.
01:22:26Gillan and Fitch stare at themselves staring at the mirror. The mirror projects a dead, dead possessed being. It chases a just-transformed Baby Gillan and Young Fitch into their rooms.
01:23:05 Oh, by the way, smash all your mirrors now. Trust no one!!!
01:25:02 Adult Fitch convinces Adult Gillan that they need to get downstairs to activate the anchor swing. The dead, dead possessed step-mirror-mother is trying to chase them away from their, well, potential NUKE.
01:25:14Dave Matthews unleashes possessed Starbuck to eat their children and SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE???
01:26:53Baby Gillan and Young Fitch attempt an escape from the house. Baby Gillan smacks Starbuck with a golf club and dives out a second floor window.
01:28:07 Adult Fitch watches as Dave Matthews approaches with his gun. “You’re just a trick.” Dave Matthews shoots.
01:28:48Karen Gillan reenters the house and finds her creepy dead ex-boyfriend hanging around the Mirror of Eternal Life, all bloodied up and shit. Now you’re having an affair too?!
01:29:30Baby Gillan finds Young Fitch hiding in a corner. Starbuck pops out and begins strangling her daughter but she eventually releases Baby Gillan.
01:30:30Dave Matthews shoots and murders Starbuck.
01:32:06 The children rush the Mirror of Xerxes with golf clubs and hack away wildly. Ironically, they miss every time. Come on, Dave Matthews, I know you hate your family but at least give your kids golf lessons. Even the rich parents who despise their children provide that!
01:32:21Dave Matthews finds his children near the mirror. He points his gun at Baby Gillan. Young Fitch swings his club at Matthews’ arm and dislodges the weapon (fore!)
01:33:30Young Fitch obtains the firearm and aims at his father. Dave Matthews seats himself upon the ground, grabs young Fitch’s gun-brandishing hands, and pulls the trigger.
Baby Gillan and Young Fitch don’t like their new step-mirror-mom.
01:34:22 The hour timer goes off and Fitch finds himself seated on the floor, in front of Mirror of Apocalypse, alone.
01:34:39Baby Gillan finds herself in 1930’s New York City! (Just kidding) … finds herself in her father’s office, eleven years ago, wielding a pitching iron in both hands. Alone.
01:34:51 She turns to the mirror and sees her mother, hands outstretched for her daughter. Baby Gillan enters the mirror’s hug.
01:35:28Fitch rises and approaches the anvil swing activation. He flips the switch.
01:35:35 And pierces Karen Gillan’s skull
01:36:19 NOOOOO! MY ONE TRUE LOVE! NOOOOOO!
01:37:10 The police arrive on scene and take Gillan’s body away. Fitch is in handcuffs.
01:37:55Fitch screams it was the mirror as he is taken away in a police cruiser.
01:38:15 Oooohhh, so you know how we talked about bragging to the guys at the Memorial Hospital, Fitch? Yeahhhh, let’s pass on that for a while…..
END CREDITS
That’s a wrap on Oculus! And it only took a few beers and half a bottle of wine to get through!
So I apologize for the story confusion. It’s difficult to portray these timelines as they unfold upon each other. I adored the perception filter idea though. It really is brilliant.
While the movie does have it’s fair share of plot holes, Oculus is definitely worth a watch and is creepy for sure. It is probably once of the coolest horror movies that I have seen.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t shatter anyone’s grasp on reality!
Sources
Oculus. Dir. Mike Flanagan. Perf. Karen Gillan, Brenton Thwaites. Relativity Media, 2013.
00:00:00 Hellooo and this is the Friday the 13th Diary Log brought to you by the AMC Fear Fest telecast. It’s the original!!! The classic that spawned other greats like Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part IV, and who can forget the memorable Friday the 13th: Jason takes Manhattan!
All of these movies were made practically back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Seriously, how were all these movies allowed to be made in consecutive years? I don’t even know how they wrote each one, went through pre-production, filming, post-production and then completed them before a yearly release date. This franchise is like when Marvel decided to pump out movies about raccoons and trees because fuck it.
In this day and age, I doubt a movie franchise like Friday the 13th could exist and that’s a bit sad. They may be cheesy horror films but they were our cheesy horror films! Without Jason dying and reliving and then re-dying and then being sent to space, we wouldn’t have the legend Sir Voorhees is today.
The original Friday the 13th was made on a $550,000 budget and grossed $37 million domestically. That’s the stuff of studio dreams.
So, without any further ado, here is the original Friday the 13th!
00:00:28 Good ol’ sing alongs at Crystal Lake Summer Camp circa 1958! Nothing can go wrong at Fort Happy!
00:01:56 I take back all I said. These campers suck at singing and I am now rooting for kid Jason to breakout early. Come on, kid! We all see your potential!
00:02:49 Counselor girl and Counselor boy sneak off from the group of, like, eight kids to make out. Don’t your kids need you or something? They can’t like singing that much to ignore the absence of parental supervision. They’re all going to do drugs and drink all the booze!
00:04:07 Camera goes first person and WE slash the Counselor boy. That’s right, WE are the REAL murderers here! And then we slash the girl too. I don’t know why, she was cute. Can’t we vote on this? Is there, like, a popular vote or are we going to go all electoral college on our first-person slashing?
00:05:55 The Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma of the soundtrack is making me think of Ooga Chaka Ooga Ooga. Wouldn’t that be horrifying if some serial killer just slashed people while singing ‘Blue Swede’?
00:07:02 A young female reporter asks a stray dog how far Crystal Lake is. The dog responds, “I’m just a dog, go home you’re drunk.”
00:08:08 Reporter who speaks to dogs (Doctor Doolittle!) grabs a ride with some stranger who says he can bring her to Crystal Lake. Nobody seems to like when Crystal Lake is mentioned. Taxes or some shit.
00:09:35 Stranger tells Dr Doolittle to quit her research on Crystal Lake. Doolittle doesn’t know all the stories or what he’s talking about. Yet, she is tasked by her newspaper to research the lake. I mean, how unprepared can you be to go into the field and write a story? You would think that she’d ask her editor, “hey, why the fuck am I going to this lake anyway? Anything I should look for? What do you mean don’t talk to any stray dogs or take rides with strangers?”
00:11:42: Three other teenagers, two guys and a girl, drive up to Crystal Lake in a red pick up truck. They’re blasting folk guitar music. Seriously? It’s 1980. Shouldn’t these kids be rebelling against society with some Led Zeppelin or Queen or, fuck it, even disco?
Crystal Lake
00:13:18 Two other people, a man and a women, instantly put the teenagers to work at the run-down camp. I wish I could be more specific on who’s who but everyone looks the same. Even the women have similar haircuts to the men. I can only identify one of them because he has his shirt off and is trying to grow a mustache, but don’t quote me on that.
00:16:28Mustache peaces out in his jeep, leaving the six other teens to finish fixing up the camp ground. He says it better be done before he gets back but we all know that’s not happening. As soon as he leaves, they’re going to scavenge all the alcohol they can and try to awkwardly flirt with one another.
00:17:08 Doc Doolittle is still hitchhiking. The Stranger dude just left her before the lake I guess? That’s weird. Maybe she tried to talk to his dog.
00:17:52Doc gets into another hitchhiker’s car, who then flies past the lake road. He keeps on driving and Doc freaks out and jumps from the vehicle. The vehicle reverses and we go first-person camera again. We stalk a limping Doc into the woods. I mean, Doc is weird and stupid and all but she seems like a decent person. Maybe we can teach her to ask probing questions the next time she gets assigned a sketchy journalistic piece.
00:19:03 Too late, we kill Doc anyway. How are these votes being tallied? Is this, like, a republic or something? Who got elected to make our decisions? I want answers! (See, Doc, that’s how you ask important questions!)
00:21:12 The teens all (obviously) slack off and go swim in the lake. Some dude named Ned, I guess, cramps and almost drowns but the teens save him. They drag him onto the dock and one of the girls tries to resuscitate him via mouth-to-mouth. This is when he grabs her head and makes out with her. Like, this kid was under water, actually drowning himself just to make out with this girl? Does he know that there are easier ways to get her attention?
00:23:50 The gang of teens find a snake in the bunks and they decide the most efficient way to hunt down the snake is to tear the bunks apart. After bunk destruction, some dude hacks it with a machete.
00:25:08 A police officer drives up and asks why the fuck these teens were left in charge of the whole camp site.
00:25:55 He says the local crazy guy is drunk and on the loose (US?) and for them to keep an eye out. I don’t know if he lost him (US!) from his holding cell or something or he’s, like, on some type of house arrest. But, damn, we are pretty good at dodging the police chief and getting our booze on!
Mustache and shirtless, helps Blonde Girl fix up the cabin
00:26:50 We’re about a half hour in and I can still not distinguish between any of the teens. There are three dudes and three girls. But I cannot tell who is who, which pisses me off. I wanted to give them all weird names but they are all so dull and generic that I cannot even. The only character I’ve named was Doc and, hey!we decided to kill her instead. I told you we should have voted! Damn Narrator Czar!
00:27:16 Awww, one of the girl teens finds the local crazy guy in their kitchen closet. I guess it wasn’t us. Can we still be some bad ass who escapes custody and drinks?
00:28:12 Local crazy tells the teens that they are all doomed and then steals one of their bikes.
00:29:45 The sun rises on Day Two at Crystal Lake. One of the girls and one of the guys make out on the dock as a different dude acts as the peeping tom. Screw it, we’re going to call him Peeping Tom.
00:31:07Peeping Tom adventures off and follows a strange noise into an abandoned bunk. He probably is off to peep more tom.
00:31:47 OH MY GOD, WAIT! One of them is Kevin Bacon! How did I not realize this before!?
00:32:15 So Kevin Bacon tries to get it in with his girl at the lake. A storm starts kicking up so they decide to head in…. to make out some more.
00:33:23 You can add Friday the 13th to the Kevin Bacon’s Six Degrees of Separation game now, if you hadn’t already.
00:34:28Kevin Bacon gets it in, official time.
00:34:51 Okay, one last dude to name! And since he is currently playing a guitar like a douchebag, he will be Jason Mraz.
00:35:23 There are two other girls with Mraz. One of them is blonde, the other is not blonde. That will be their goddamn names. Not Blonde decides that the three of them should play strip monopoly, much to the delight of Mraz.
00:35:55Peeping Tom is dead. I guess we decided to kill him, which I was actually in favor of so, good job us!
00:36:32Kevin Bacon and Kevin Bacon’s Girl get real awkward post sex. I mean, it only lasted two minutes of movie time so I kind of know why.
00:37:51 Strip Monopoly is progressing very slowly with no one actually striped of anything. Come on, Mraz, you have to be aggressive here. Not Blonde REQUESTED strip monopoly.
00:39:08Kevin Bacon’s Girl leaves to use the bathroom, which is when some dude from underneath Kevin Bacon’s bed slashes his throat. Was he just there the whole time?? Are we sure Peeping Tom is dead??
00:41:59 And now Kevin Bacon’s Girl has been ax-murdered.
Poor Kevin Bacon
00:42:21 Still no official Jason Voorhees sighting. Wait, are we Jason Voorhees? YES! So pumped! Halloween came early!
00:42:35 Strip Monopoly is progressing!
00:43:10Not Blonde Girl remembers that she left her car windows open, like, five hours into the storm. At that point, Not Blonde Girl, you should just let it happen.
00:43:38 Oh look, Mustache is back. He’s at a diner, sipping espresso and flirting with the waitress. Is this the real reason he left?
00:44:38Not Blonde Girl instantly forgets about her flooding car, goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Because priorities.
00:45:15 So I want to believe that we are Jason Voorhees. Not Blonde Girl stares at us as we hide in a shower stall. I think democracy has set in and we are collecting the votes.
00:46:07 She left! Did we get the final tally? No? Dammit, we’re as inept at counting votes as Florida.
00:46:46Mustache crashes his jeep because Mustache guy is rather lame and bad everything. He grabs a lift with a police officer.
00:47:33We stare at Not Blonde Girl as she lays in bed reading. I’m assuming that we figured out a result from our voting. That or we are just keeping her close as we’re still counting.
00:48:26Not Blonde Girl hears a ‘help me’ from the woods and instantly forgets that there are no kids at the camp yet. She goes into full-camp-counselor-on-duty, looking and scolding the child as she searches. I think Not Blonde Girl’s awareness levels suck. Do we have to vote on that? No? Good, we’re unanimous.
00:49:34 Oh good! The votes are in. AND WE’RE KILLING NOT BLONDE GIRL! Yay democracy!
00:50:41Mraz returns to Blonde Girl, scaring her as he swings open the door while cloaked in a poncho. I honestly didn’t know Mraz left the building in the first place.
00:52:07Mraz and Blonde Girl find a bloody ax in Not Blonde Girl’s bed. “What is going on?” Blonde Girl casually asks. They search the compound and find everyone missing. “Maybe we should call someone,” they agree. Like, seriously? You two are supposed to be camp counselors??
00:53:04 The Teen Counselors break into the main office. I don’t know how Mustache expected the gang to finish fixing up the camp when he restricted their access to key areas.
00:54:12 “Don’t worry, we’ll be laughing about this tomorrow,” says Jason Mraz. Like, dude, your friends are missing and you have found a bloody ax in one of their beds. Who will be laughing about this tomorrow?
00:54:20 I was wrong, we’ll be laughing about this tomorrow. Whoever we are.
00:55:38 The police officer drops Mustache off well before the camp. Does anybody actually complete their assignments in this movie?
00:56:26We shine a flood light on Mustache. He stares at us, goes, “oh hey.” And then we kill Mustache. Obviously an unanimous vote.
00:57:32 Quick side bar: is this considered horror if we are the ones who kill all the characters? Like, this first-person camera angle is cool but I can’t find myself scared if we are, like, all bad-ass and shit.
00:59:05Mraz goes out to find things that he can laugh at more tomorrow because tonight hasn’t been fucking hilarious enough already.
01:01:02Blonde Girl makes coffee in Mraz’s absence, still not concerned over the potential deaths of her friends. Are we back in an Alien situation? They all seemed like such good friends earlier! Never trust teenagers.
01:02:05 She finally decides to go look for now-missing Mraz.
01:02:57Blonde Girl finds Mraz pinned up to a door with a knife through her forehead. Properly (finally) freaks the fuck out.
01:03:50 She locks down the cabin with very not-lock-down-able materials. Like, she blocks the door with a belt, a couple logs of wood and frying pans. That won’t keep us back!
01:06:13We decide to throw Not Blonde Girl’s dead body into the window to make Blonde Girl cry. Blonde Girl cries. Our actions prove to be a roaring success! Man, I can’t wait to see our new polling numbers.
01:07:27 Mrs. Voorhees shows up in a jeep and provides Blonde Girl a shoulder to cry on.
01:08:23 Blonde Girl brings our Mom into the cabin, where she comments how pretty the dead Not Blonde Girl is. Weird.
01:09:30 Mom goes into an unprovoked monologue about the story of her son Jason drowning in the lake while two counselors had sex. Does Jason dislike people or simply counselors?
01:10:39 Mom and Blonde Girl go battle royale and Blonde Girl knocks her out. Blonde Girl runs around and finds all of her dead friends.
01:11:30 So, wait, were we Mrs. Voorhees this whole time? That’s rather disappointing.
01:12:19Mrs. Voorhees goes all Norman Bates and starts talking to herself in a child’s voice. So is Mom really a dude in a wig?
01:13:53Blonde Girl fights Mama Voorhees again and, once again, beats her up and runs away. Why are you running away, Blonde Girl? You’re winning!
01:16:32Blonde Girl, for some reason, hides from Mama Voorhees in the cabin.
01:17:21Mama Voorhees finds Blonde Girl in the kitchen closet. When Mama Voorhees goes to attack Blonde Girl, Blonde Girl smacks her with a frying pan, knocking her out cold. In celebration of her victory, Blonde Girl runs away AGAIN! I mean, she is totally beating the shit out of Mrs. Voorhees. Why is she on the defensive again??
01:18:00 So I was wrong about this film being about Jason Voorhees. He has yet to make an appearance. I honestly had not seen the original before this point and I thought Jason was the main villain. I am the fool.
01:18:17Blonde Girl goes out to the dock and sits, ponders the universe. Mrs. Voorhees shows up and tries to slash Blonde Girl. Battle Royale Part IV commences.
01:19:33Blonde Girl takes Mama Voorhee’s sword-knife thing and beheads her. A perfect 4 for 4! Blonde Girl’s win is official. So, what are you going to do to celebrate your victory, Blonde Girl? Blonde Girl immediately runs away, gets into a boat and floats around in the lake. Fucking why?!
01:21:31Blonde Girl wakes up in the canoe, having survived the night. A police officer waves to her from the shore. As she stands up to signal the officer, JASON RISES ABOVE THE SURFACE AND DRAGS HER TO THE LAKE’S DEPTHS!
01:22:43Blonde Girl wakes up in a hospital bed, the cops having saved her from drowning. She asks if they found Jason, but the cop and the doctors tell her that Jason has been dead for 30 years. She denies their claims, firmly believing Jason is alive.
01:23:51 The camera zooms into Crystal Lake and the screen fades to black. We are Jason. And we shall wait.
END CREDITS
So that’s a wrap on Friday the 13th. This was the first time I’ve seen it, honestly. I was led to believe this was JASON VOORHEES OWNAGE instead of ‘Mama Voorhees does her best Norman Bates impression’.
Jason Voorhees does eventually become the icon that he is today in Friday the 13th Part 2. But, honestly, is anyone else really disappointed that we weren’t Jason Voorhees the whole time? I’m super bummed. Screw it, guys, we can still be Jason Voorhees! We’ll just take some creative liberties within this story.
Sources
Friday the 13th. Dir. Sean Cunningham. Perf. Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King. Paramount Pictures, 1980.
00:00:00 Hello! Greetings and welcome to Se7en commentary! If you previously read my Dawn of the Deadremake commentary, you already know that these posts are nowhere near serious. Like, take ‘serious’, drive five states away, and then dig to China. Don’t get me wrong, I love horror movies. I love their concepts and the aesthetic value of them. The whole jump-scare culture, not so much; that’s the thing that actually scares me and I hate myself for it. Why can’t I be afraid of something cool??
Horror Holiday was born from absentmindedly live tweeting horror movies that I watched. To save all of my followers from two hours of non-stop banter, I created a blog. I like to poke fun, make inane pop culture references, construct side plots and devise new meanings and themes out of thin air. Any pop culture reference I make is not intended slander, it is mainly because it’s the first thought that popped into my head when watching the film.
Now don’t get me wrong; just because I mock and create silly twists in horror movies does not mean that I am immune to their terror. I’ve actually found that the sillier the imaginary side plot is, the scarier the movie.
I wanted to create this blog commentary for those who enjoy horror movies or for those who are too afraid to see them. I fall within both categories. There are films that I will not see because I am gravely horrified by them. But curiosity rips at me. I’ll go and read Wikipedia plot summaries, scroll through message boards just to get a glimpse of what I’m missing out on, while making sure not get too close. That is why I think this blog is interesting. People who don’t like horror movies are always wondering about them. Let me watch them for you. Let me tell you about them in ways that make them light, fluffy, silly. And maybe you can fall in love with some of the beauty in this twisted genre.
Oh, and obvious spoilers ahead.
00:00:05 So Se7en is director David Fincher’s second real movie. His first was Alien3. It is a slight miracle that Fincher was allowed the creative licensing to produce a movie like Se7en after Alien3’s suckitude.
00:00:40 Detective Morgan Freeman prepares for his last first long day of hunting down serial killers. Even in 1995, MorganFreeman is still considered the ‘old retiring detective’. He’s pretty much made a career out of being old and wise.
00:01:32 Mustache cop says the force will be real glad when Morgan Freeman leaves, which is strange. A minute-thirty into the film and Freeman has said nothing offensive or anything. Mustache cop may just be a dick. Ten seconds later, mustache cop walks out and young Brad Pitt comes running up the stairs. Mustache cop is never seen again. Are they the same person?? Are you Tyler Durden?!
00:01:47 I previously live tweeted Se7en on my twitter account and I mentioned how Brad Pitt has made two iconic movies with director David Fincher: Se7en and Fight Club. I compared them to Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo and Scorsese have made a number of movies together such as, Gangs of New York, The Departed, Shutter Island, and most recently Wolf of Wall Street. Honestly, for all the hype Scorsese and DiCaprio get, they don’t make many great movies. Shutter Island would be my favorite out of that group but it doesn’t have a very popular following. Fight Club and Se7en are iconic. All you have to do is mention the ending to someone and they can name the film.
00:02:03Pitt is the new detective on the block. Hot-shot, shoot ‘em up ‘nd git er’ done attitude. Morgan Freeman is the old school detective, keen on good ol’ fashioned book research and detail. Anddddd, action!
00:04:17Morgan Freeman falls asleep to a grimly ticking metronome. Cue opening credits!
00:04:53 Haunting imagery of serial killer reading through books, prepping for his murders. In case you don’t know the plot, Se7en is about a serial killer whose killings are influenced by the seven deadly sins. Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.
00:07:43Brad Pitt waits in the rain with two coffees, one for him and one for Freeman. Awwww! New friends! Freeman rejects this sign of friendship though. Gosh, no wonder mustache cop wants Freeman off the force! By the way, it rains nearly every day in this film. I’m surprised there are no flash floods by the end. It’s like the film takes place during Hurricane Sandy or something.
00:09:26Freeman and Pitt investigate a crime scene using torch flashlights. Since Se7en, nobody has been able to catch that same imagery of torches like Fincher. When you think of Se7en, you think of the seven deadly sins, *major spoiler ending*, and the goddamn torches.
The goddamn torches
00:09:40Freeman and Pitt uncover their victim: majorly fat dead dude face down in his food. Majorly Fat Dead Dude also has his hands and feet tied. So, obviously, he died during a pie eating contest.
00:11:03Pitt concludes murder. I still conclude death by pie eating contest.
00:12:19Pitt is super friendly, introducing himself to all the cops on site. This pisses Freeman off, so Freeman sends Pitt to do traffic duty while he wraps up crime scene. No new friends.
00:13:27Pitt asks Freeman to take him seriously. “Don’t jerk me off, man,” Pitt pleas, “just be real with me, and don’t jerk me off.” Freeman looks at Pitt, but no response. Freeman can’t promise not to jerk Pitt off.
00:13:34 What is the Vegas over/under on Majorly Fat Dead Dude’s weight. I got (-130) on over 340 pounds and (-115) on the under.
00:15:02Freeman and Pitt decide that cause of death was not pie eating contest related, conclude someone made him eat to death. I still don’t buy it.
00:16:33Freeman tells the Chief that he wants off the case because he’s retiring soon and he doesn’t believe he can close it before retirement. Outraged, Pitt tells Freeman, “fuck that,” and tries to poach the case. Someday, I hope Pitt and Freeman can be happy together. Are there any Se7enFreeman/Pitt shippers? Or is that way too much of a niche?
00:18:39Pitt hangs out in swivel chair in a murdered defense attorney’s office while watching Breaking News Bulletin about murdered defense attorney.
00:19:12GREED
00:20:10 Chief informs Freeman, who is back at the office typing on a goddamn type writer (because he’s old fashioned, get it??), that murdered defense attorney has been murdered with greed written in blood on the floor. Freeman is back in the game! Nobody writes bloody buzz words on his crime scene! NOT WHILE HE’S ON THE FORCE!
00:23:05Freeman returns to crime scene of Majorly Fat Dead Dude to find GLUTTONY etched into the wall behind the refrigerator. Morgan Freeman will not stand for vandalism any longer!!
00:23:55 With those two clues, Freeman has already figured that the murders must relate to the seven deadly sins because old man Freeman was around when they were established. Freeman even got a say in them! He wanted to add, “Get off my damn lawn!” but it got voted down.
00:24:50 Day 244 and it still rains. No one is concerned.
00:28:01 ‘Old Man’ Freeman goes to the library to do research. While he reads the Divine Comedy and Canterbury Tales for clues on the seven deadly sins, HOT SHOT Pitt pours over crime scene notes. If only they were together, they’d make the perfect team!
Morgan Freeman researches the Divine Comedy and Canterbury Tales
00:30:28Pitt finally picks up a copy of the Canterbury Tales Cliff Notes. Look, he’s maturing before our eyes!
00:30:57Freeman, who is supposed to be moved out of Pitt’s new office, hasn’t left. Now we get an awkward ‘sharing desk’ scene and the cute, ‘who answers the phone’ cliche.
00:32:01 What do you mean there’s no cult following for Freeman/Pitt shippers??
00:32:45Pitt’s wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, invites Morgan Freeman to dinner at their place. What a matchmaker!
00:36:12 Awkward dinner conversation is awkward. Paltrow acts as the conversation driver for Freeman and Pitt.
00:37:40Paltrow leaves and Pitt/Freeman share their separate notes on the case. They’re bonding!!
00:42:07 Freepitt (or Pittman) are back on the case!
00:44:50Freepitt reinvestigate murdered defense attorney’s office and believe that the murderer is toying with them. He’s obviously jealous of their rekindled relationship.
00:46:51 After finding new finger prints on the wall, Freepitt fall asleep while waiting for prints to process. The rest of the police unit see them but Freepitt plays it cool when they wake up. You ain’t fooling anyone, Freepitt!
00:49:09 Finger prints are traced and SWAT team is dispatched. It is only Day 1,540 of consistent rain. Should people be less worried about all these murders and freaking the fuck out about all this rain? This is Noah’s Ark biblical status! Maybe these seven deadly sins are not about the murders and are about building an ark. Who’s been dispatched for that??
00:53:13 False alarm. Finger prints were a ploy and the SWAT team uncovers the next sin and murder victim, SLOTH.
00:55:53 So here’s a quick summary on what each seven deadly sin entails:
Lust is an intense desire, such as money, food, sex or power.
Gluttony is an over-indulgence to the point of waste.
Greed is another sin of excess and a pursuit for material possession.
Sloth is physical and spiritual laziness.
Wrath is rage.
Envy is an insatiable desire.
And Pride is considered the most serious of the seven sins. “It is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self (Wikipedia).”
00:58:58Gwyneth Paltrow asks Freeman to meet up and talk, admits that she is pregnant but hasn’t told Pitt. Paltrow is being such the cock block for Freepitt right now.
Paltrow tells Freeman that she is pregnant with Pitt’s child.
01:06:12Freepitt argue over the sanity of the murderer, pay FBI dude to get them a list of people who have checked out library books relating to the seven deadly sins.
01:07:57Freepitt are able to track the library card of a Jonathan Doe to his apartment address. Upon knocking a few times, a man walks up an empty corridor towards them, sees Freepitt and shoots. John Doe’s typically aren’t so lethal!
01:10:02Pitt auditions for ‘action movie star’ role by chasing John Doe through apartment complex until he is attacked by ninja John Doe with a crowbar, breaking his arm. Doe puts a gun up to Pitt’s head but Freeman comes just in time to chase Doe off.
01:17:15Freepitt returns to John Doe’s apartment and discover Doe is their guy. Doe has radicalist christianity paraphernalia, photos of the murders and even a photograph of Pitt. Doe obviously gots the hots for Pitt. Freeman withholds his jealousy.
01:20:45Pitt confirms a drawn police sketch of John Doe, who looks an awful like Walter White. Forensic team fails to find finger prints in John Doe’s apartment.
01:22:33John Doe phone home! Doe calls his house phone and Pitt picks up. Doe instantly tells Pitt that he thinks he’s cute, stutters and hangs up. He was obviously blushing way too hard to ask Pitt to junior prom.
01:24:08 Okay, so in movie time, it’s only been six days. In my commentary time, we are up to Day 11,342. But it is still fucking raining. Is no one building an ark yet??
01:25:38 Via a photograph pulled from Doe’s apartment, Freepitt track down a prostitute. Upon reaching the club, police have already taped up a crime scene. They find the prostitute dead and LUST etched onto the door.
01:32:09 Other stuff happens. Not to discount any of it, there’s a good bar conversation between Pitt and Freeman about expectations versus reality, apathy versus virtue. It’s just that this commentary is satirical and I can’t really cover those type of ideologies and mock them.
01:33:18PRIDE
01:34:17Freepitt returns to office after investigating pride crime scene.
01:34:46John Doe arrives at police station and turns himself in, covered in blood, screaming the detective’s name.
01:34:48 And it’s Kevin freaking Spacey.
01:36:21Kevin Spacey is two sins away from finishing all seven deadly sins. He claims that there are two more bodies but he will only show Freepitt.
01:37:05Spacey once again admits his love for Pitt, this time via lawyer surrogate. Spacey is reallyyy threatening to ruin this Freepitt ship I’ve been pushing.
01:38:00Spacey’s got Toby Ziegler as his lawyer. So that’s where Toby was before serving in the White House!
01:39:00Freepitt accepts terms to escort Spacey to the final two bodies in exchange for his confession.
01:40:02Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt make small talk while shaving their chests, discussing life after the case. I am not even kidding. This is an actual scene.
01:43:05Spacey preaches about his work, what it means significance-wise to the world. Spacey is obviously trying too hard to impress Pitt, who is unimpressed.
01:43:24Pitt tells Spacey that he is not special. That he is not a beautiful or unique snowflake. That he is the same decaying organic matter as everything else. And with that, Fight Club was born.
01:44:08Spacey is making this love rectangle very complicated. Spacey admires Pitt, who loves his wife and secretly admires Freeman. Gwyneth Paltrow is with child but only Freeman knows that Pitt and Paltrow are pregnant. Freeman is quietly humbled by Spacey’s insane dedication and genius but still feels a strong bond with Pitt, who he has now spent a whole week past his retirement date with. Are you all still with me?
01:47:54Spacey goes on monologue of his acts and a social commentary on the seven deadly sins. Not going to cover all of that, but it’s interesting. Check out plot summaries for Se7en if you’re interested in reading about his reasoning.
01:49:44Pitt calls Spacey a, “movie of the week, a fucking t-shirt, at best.” Ouch. Spacey doesn’t seem to take the hint that Pitt’s not that into him. Also, what’s the over/under for times Pitt used this same dialogue as a pick up line?
01:51:31Freeman stops the car in the middle of desert. They take Spacey out of the vehicle and he stumbles them in the direction of his crimes.
Spacey leads Freepitt to his final destination
01:53:15 A white van approaches in the distance. Pitt gets Spacey down on the ground and Freeman goes to intercept the vehicle.
01:54:49 White delivery van has a package for Pitt. Freeman takes it as Pitt/Spacey stare from a distance. The delivery man produces a square box.
01:56:23Freeman opens the box.
01:56:29 “There’s blood,” says Freeman
01:56:36Freeman fully opens the box. Gasps.
01:56:45 Turns around and sprints toward Pitt, who still has Spacey under gun point.
01:57:01Spacey starts monologuing to Pitt about Gwyneth Paltrow as Freeman sprints towards Pitt. “I admire you, Detective,” Spacey begins.
01:57:49 “I went to your home, after you left,” says Spacey, “tried to play husband.”
01:58:03 “It didn’t work out,” Spacey continues as Freeman approaches, “so I took a souvenir. Her.. pretty… head.”
01:58:08Freeman arrives.
01:58:12 “What was in the box” Pitt asks Freeman, “show me what’s in the box.”
01:58:18 “… because I envy you, Detective,” Spacey maintains, “it seems like ENVY is my sin.”
01:58:21 “…ooooh what’s in the booox,” Pitt ignores Spacey, “what’s in the fucking box!”
01:58:32 “I just told you,” Spacey answers for Freeman.
01:58:39Pitt threatens to shoot Spacey, Freeman tries to reason with Pitt that Spacey wants to be shot.
01:58:45 “Become,” Spacey endures, “WRATH.”
01:59:00Spacey breaks the news of Paltrow’s pregnancy to Pitt, only makes things worse. “Oh. You didn’t know?”
01:59:47 “If you kill him,” Freeman speaks calmly, “he will win.”
02:00:17Pitt kills Spacey.
02:01:04Pitt is taken away in police car. Freeman’s career is finally over. End of Freepitt.
End Credits
So that’s a wrap on Se7en! Within the confines of an investigation case regarding a serial killer, we also found a massive love rectangle that somehow concludes itself in the end. Out of envy for Pitt, Spacey kills Gwyneth Paltrow. Pitt kills Spacey out of wrath. Freeman breaks up with Pitt, as Pitt must now undergo trial and Freeman finally accepts retirement. We have all grown.
Se7en is a very well done film, I definitely recommend it. Despite all my mocking and sarcasm, it is a very dark movie and very gory. While you do not see any of the actual crimes being committed, you do witness the crime scenes. And it does get weird.
I hope you have enjoyed this commentary for Se7en.
Sources
Se7en. Dir. David Fincher. Perf. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt. New Line Productions, 1995.
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